It is Edmonton, Alberta Canada at The Polish Hall... and once again, hundreds of wrestling fans have packed the house for New Alberta Pro Wrestling! Jack "Attack" Jones and Bill Hewson are chatting as the show begins while fans take their last minute seats...
JACK JONES: And that's how you perform "the move."
BILL HEWSON: And a woman let you do that?
JACK JONES: Woman?
Suddenly... "Kingdom" plays in the arena. Out of the back comes Diablo who receives... no reaction? He walks out as the fans just chat among themselves like he doesn't exist. He starts yelling out the fans, but only is responded too by a "BORING" chant!
FRANK WARBURTON: The following match will be fought under "Superstar Rules." Introducing...
That gets interrupted by
"WE FALL, WE FALL! "
The crowd looks to the entrance way, but alas no Tommy Deathrow. Then through the crowd comes Tommy.
JACK JONES: What does he have in his hands?
BILL HEWSON: A steel chair, and a fifth of Vodka!
JACK JONES: Isn't that against the rules?
BILL HEWSON: WHAT RULES?!
Tommy is downing Vodka on the way to the ring. The fans are getting a few swallows too. The crowd is going absolutely nuts for the return of STD! He staggers over the railing. He comes over to the announce table and offers a drink to Jack Jones. He refuses, and the crowd yells PUSSY! Bill Hewson offers out his cup, and Tommy laughs, and goes to pour some. Nothing left.
BILL HEWSON: Just my luck, it would have been good to ease my pain from talking to you.
JACK JONES: Funny... very funny!
Tommy hits the ring, with the chair in hand. He doesn't wait for an introduction and tells referee Morgan Smythe to ring the bell.
Ding! Diablo tells Tommy to bring it, and turns to mock the crowd. Tommy swings the chair, and BAM! Diablo goes down to one knee. Tommy doesn't look amused, and BAM! ANOTHER CHAIR SHOT!
JACK JONES: THAT WAS JUST VICIOUS!
Diablo attempts to get up and when he does, he gets a boot to the stomach. The dented chair is laid just right, and
BILL HEWSON: DEATHROW DRIVER ON THE CHAIR!
ONE, TWO, THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: WINNER OF THE MATCH, TOMMY DEATHROW!
Tommy celebrates in the ring as the crowd shows him love, cheering, some fans bowing. Suddenly somebody slips into the ring from behind --- Tommy turns to see SEBASTIEN MARTYR, who... flings a goblet of a red fluid all over Tommy!
JACK JONES: What the hell is that?
BILL HEWSON: I think that's... that's blood is all over Tommy Deathrow! From who knows where! Martyr is trying to escape through the crowd, Deathrow is giving chase!
Tommy is giving chase! He hops over the guardrail and follows Martyr, the two exchanging punches as they go. The crowd surges to follow them as they end up in the foyer of The Polish Hall... oh my! Tommy slams Sebastien's head into the water fountain. Sebastien is busted open. "Kill him, Tommy!" shouts a fan. Deathrow picks up Martyr --- oh, Tommy gets hit in the stomach with a lead pipe that was near by. Security suddenly swarm the two men as Terry Brandon walks into the scene. "What the hell is this --- keep them damn apart ---"
Tommy spits at Terry Brandon and makes a charge towards Martyr. Security tackle him before he can make it. Brandon is spitting mad. "Throw him out of the building, nobody spits on me! And you! You still have a match later, Sebastien, you might want to think about fixing that head wound!"
Security hustles a scrapping, grinning and blood-soaked Deathrow to and out the front door of the Polish Hall. Deathrow gives the ol' crotch grab in the general direction of Brandon and Martyr as fans chant "DEATHROW! DEATHROW! DEATHROW!" What a scene of chaos this is! Deathrow turns and starts walking away into the summer Edmonton evening, throwing middle fingers back. Martyr has disappeared...
FRANK WARBURTON: This next match is scheduled for one fall....
"Man In The Box (Instrumental)" by Harry Slash and The Slashtones hits the speakers and the fans come to their feet.
FRANK WARBURTON: Coming to the ring first, he hails from Napier, New Zealand and weighed in tonight at one-hundred and eighty pounds....Link Van Haggard!
Link comes out from the back to a nice pop from the fans. He quickly makes his way down to the ring giving out high fives to fans along the way.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent....
"Techno Sonic Sunshine" by ISOR hits the speakers and the fans start to half heartedly boo.
FRANK WARBURTON: He hails from Bradford, England and weighs in tonight at two-hundred and twenty-eight pounds...Jay O' Brien!
Jay comes out to a lukewarm reaction from the crowd (not that he cares mind you) and makes his way to the ring.
BILL HEWSON: This should be an interesting match as both men have a lot to prove here in NAPW.
JACK JONES: I didn't even know Link Van Haggard still worked here.
With the two men in the ring, the referee waits for Warburton to exit and then calls for the bell. They lock up with a collar and elbow and Link pulls Jay into a side headlock. Link does a go behind on Jay and locks in a hammerlock. Jay drops to the mat and brings down Haggard with a drop toe hold. Jay quickly floats over and slaps on his own side headlock on Link. Link is back up and backs Jay against the ropes. Jay gets shot off the ropes and ducks a clothesline from Haggard! Jay tries for a flying dropkick on the rebound but Haggard swats him away. Jay is quick to his feet and charges in only to take a fireman's carry down to the mat. With Jay in a seated position, Link hits a dropkick to the back of O'Briens head! Jay rolls to the ropes and Link smiles at him getting a nice reaction from the crowd. Jay pulls himself up and advances on Link. Before they can tie up, Jay drives a knee into the mid section of Haggard and then snapmares him to the mat. A soccer kick between the shoulder blades of Haggard echoes through the arena.
BILL HEWSON: Jay O' Brien has the edge in experience, but Haggard has the edge in...
JACK JONES: Lame gimmicks.
Jay pulls Haggard to his feet and whips him into the ropes. Jay drops his head early and Link leap frogs over him. Jay spins around and gets nailed with an enziguri from Haggard! Jay drops to one knee and Haggard hits a hurricanrana! With Jay laying prone on the mat, Haggard nails a KENTA Knee! A cover gets a count of one as Jay gets a shoulder up! Haggard pulls Jay to his feet and peppers him with a series of lighting fast forearm blows to the head. A thumb to the eye from O' Brien stops Haggard dead in his tracks and Jay tries to hurl Link over the top rope. Haggard hangs on and starts to skin the cat...Only to take a basement dropkick to the face! Link crashes to the floor and Jay immediately starts to measure him. On the outside Haggard is getting to his feet, turns and takes a suicide dive through the ropes from Jay! Both men crash into the ring barricade and the fans start to rally behind Link. Jay is up to his feet first and pulls Link up by his hair. A stiff European uppercut stuns Link allowing Jay to roll him back into the ring. Jay climbs up onto the ring apron, spring up onto the top rope and drops a leg across the chest of Haggard!
BILL HEWSON: That could do it!
JACK JONES: No way this kid will kick out of that!
But he does at the count of two! Jay pulls Link to his feet and goes to shoot him into the ropes but it's reversed! Jay doesn't miss a beat though as he hits his "Liquid Grace" off the ropes! Another two count for O' Brien! Jay drags Haggard to the middle of the ring and goes to the nearest turnbuckle. At the top, Jay takes to the skies with a beautiful moonsault...That misses when Link rolls out of the way! Link shakes the cobwebs from his head and pulls O' Brien to his feet. Jay is shot into the ropes and drilled with a dropkick! Link quickly goes to the ropes and gains some frequent flier miles when he hits a spingboard shooting star press! Link goes for a cover but Jay kicks out at two! Jay uses the ring ropes to pull himself up and takes a clothesline from Link that sends him down to the floor. Link points to the ropes and the fans rise to their feet. On the outside Jay gets to his feet just in time to take a spingboard plancha from Haggard! The fans start up a "LVH!" chant as Link pulls Jay off of the floor and rolls him back into the ring. Link climbs up onto the ring apron, and continues all the way to the top rope - Bullet The Blue Sky! Link hooks a leg as the referee counts! One! Two! Three!
BILL HEWSON: Link Van Haggard picks up an important win here tonight!
JACK JONES: Pffffft he got lucky. Jay was having a bad night.
Link has his arm raised in victory by the referee as Warburton does what he's paid for.
FRANK WARBURTON: Winner of this match...Link Van Haggard!
The fans give Link a nice ovation as the high flyer leaves the ring.
JACK JONES: And that's why I never went to the circus agan. Never. Again.
BILL HEWSON: Jack, I'm so sorry to hear that. I never new that you had such depth of character. Do you...do you need a hug?
JACK JONES: What? NO! Dammit, Hewson, that's why I don't talk about stuff like that around you!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen! The following is a tag team contest, scheduled for one fall! Entering the ring first, weighing in at a combined weight of three hundred and thirty-five pounds. They are accompanied to the ring by Turancula and THE BEE! They are Nenji and the Shadow! Awesome! Wrestling! eXplosion!
OK GO! A smoke bomb goes off in front of the curtain, and the crowd goes nuts for the little stable that could as Nenji and The Shadow burst through the cloud of smoke! They walk down to the ring, Nenji posing every once in a while so as best to show off his martial arts skills, Shadow all business. Turancula comes out dressed in grease paint and garbage bags, staring with bug-eyes out at the audience. The Bee huffs and puffs as he shuffles to keep up with them.
JACK JONES: What the hell is going on with Turancula? He looks like a hobo! A scary hobo.
BILL HEWSON: You don't remember the epic battle Nenji had with The Toxic Clown earlier last week?
JACK JONES: I don't remember ANYTHING about last week. My god-daughter's wedding had an open bar.
AWX finally gets into the ring, The Bee posing mightily on the ring steps. Then, the lights dim, and a few blue spotlights start swirling around the hall.
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponents! Weighing in at a combined weight of four hundred and forty pounds! They are the former Gastown Tag Team Champions! Accompanied by German The Clown and Der Klowne Deutschelander! Mystic Ninja and The Expositioner! MYSTIC EXPOSITION!
The blue spotlights converge on the curtain, and then Andrew WK starts up. And if you thought the crowd went nuts for AWX...Mystic Ninja and The Expositioner burst forth from the curtain, smiling and waving at the crowd, as their clown valets march down the ring shoulder to shoulder, furiously German. Mystic Ninja signs an autograph for a cute girl in the front row, while Expo poses for a photograph with a group of overly excited adolescent male fans.
JACK JONES: I can't believe the fans are actually looking forward to this match.
BILL HEWSON: According to the poll on NAPW.ca, this is the second-most anticipated match on the card. People like ninjas, Jack Attack.
JACK JONES: People are idiots.
The clowns wrangle them away from the fans and towards the ring, and soon all four men are in the ring. Nenji. The Expositioner. Shadow. The Mystic Ninja. The four men stand in the corner, staring each other down. Oh, you just know it's going to be epic. Junior Referee Morgan Smythe steps into the middle and Nenji and The Expositioner head to their corners. AWX is ready. Mystic Exposition is ready. The clowns are ready. The bell rings, and the show is ON!
Shadow and Mystic Ninja lock up in the center of the ring, and Shadow quickly gains the advantage and gets the Ninja in a headlock. He tries to break out, but Shadow just wrenches on his opponent's neck and holds tight. Mystic Ninja makes it to the ropes, then leans back and pushes with all his strength; Shadow finally breaks the hold and rushes to the far ropes. Shadow rebounds, looking for a clothesline, but Mystic Ninja is too fast! He bounces up from a back handspring--KABUKI KICK! Shadow gets the wind knocked out of him after that incredible move, and leans up against the ropes. Mystic Ninja advances, trying to lock up with a grapple of his own, but Shadow reverses! He was just playing possum, and now he's locked on a crossface chickenwing, and Mystic Ninja's in trouble, using his free arm to flail madly for the ropes. German The Clown and Der Klowne Deutschelander are rallying the audience, trying to get them behind Mystic Ninja, and soon the entire arena is clapping along. Clap clap clap. Ninja swings out madly for the ropes, but misses. Clap clap clap! Again, Ninja reaches for the rope, but Shadow mintains the hold, pulling him even further away. CLAP CLAP CLAP! Ninja in desparation, falls to his knees and reaches for the ropes with his feet...AND CONNECTS! Morgan Smythe breaks up the hold, and Mystic Ninja gets a quick breather before Shadow's on him again. He Irish whips Ninja into the ropes, but the mystic one just climbs the ropes, balancing on the top rope for a second, then turns around and flies...Huracanrana! Mystic Ninja hits a huracanrana from the top rope, and Shadow's on the ground dazed! Ninja goes for the cover, one, two, kickout.
JACK JONES: How the hell did he manage to turn around like that on the top rope!
BILL HEWSON: He's a ninja, Jack Attack, they have mystical powers.
JACK JONES: He's not a ninja. He just has a shiny costume!
BILL HEWSON: That's just misdirection.
Mystic Ninja's favouring his arm, so he goes over to tag in The Expositioner, who walks towards Shadow, getting to his feet in the middle of the ring. When Shadow sees Expo, he freaks: his eyes get wide and he scrambles to the far turnbuckle, tagging in Nenji. Nenji rushes in on fire, giving his opponent no quarter; Expo's a little taken aback by Nenji's furious attack, and is taken down by a running lariat! Nenji climbs up to the top rope, and as The Expositioner he lets fly...oh my god, that's a lot of air...HE CONNECTS! Drop kick from the top rope, and now both men are on the ground, breathing a little heavy. Morgan Smythe starts the count, one, two, Expositioner's up at three, Nenji at four. They tangle in the middle of the ring, Expositioner getting the advantage. He puts Nenji down with a belly-to-belly suplex, then pops up to his feet and climbs to the top turnbuckle himself. As Nenji gets to his feet, Expo hollers "X-PRESS!" and lets fly with a cross body! "Why didn't I see that coming?" howls Shadow as his opponent is crushed beneath The Expositioner. On the outside of the ring, the AWX looks a little worried; The Bee is gnawing his fingers, and Turancula's eyes are bugging out even more through the greasepaint. Then suddenly, he has an idea. He goes up to German the Clown, spins him around, and slaps him right in the face! The crowd goes quiet. German is stunned, but then slaps The Toxic Clown right back, even harder. Some fat kid in the audience yells out "CLOWN FIGHT!" And the crowd ROARS as the two clowns go at it! The Bee is right in there, calling the action, while Der Klowne Deutschelander goes to the announcer's table and starts calling the action, in German.
JACK JONES: Get this freak away from me!
Morgan Smythe starts yelling at the fight going on outside the ring, but AWX and Mystic Exposition don't seem to mind a bit! The Expositioner leans over the ropes, yelling encouragement to German, while Nenji and Shadow hang out in their corner, cheering on Turancula. German the Clown rushes at Turancula, but he goes down with a hip toss, and Turancula gives him a boot to the head. German gets back to his feet and chops Turancula twice, then locks up for the Brainbuster, but Turancula breaks out, then pie-faces the clown! Three Second Call!
DER KLOWNE DEUTSCHELANDER: Der Clown fur ein brainbuster sich vorbereitet, aber es wird aufgehoben! Es gibt ein Tortegesicht und dann OH- durch die Fahrt des Valkyries! Zweiter Anruf Drei!
The Bee calls it. One, two, three! The crowd goes nuts! Turancula leaps to his feet and lifts his own hand into the air because The Bee is hilariously short! The crowd goes BANANAS!
DER KLOWNE DEUTSCHELANDER: Und Ihr Sieger! Der Giftige Clown!
The Expositioner shakes his head, while Nenji and Shadow high-five in triumph!
Wait a minute. Nenji and Shadow high-five? Oh, no they didn't. OH YES THEY DID! Morgan Smythe calls for Shadow to come in to the ring, as he is now the legal man, and his face goes white. He comes into the ring, and when Expo advances on him he runs to the far turnbuckle, almost cowering in fear. You can hear a few boos coming from the crowd, which snaps Shadow out of it a little. He gets to his feet, squares his shoulders, and walks back to The Expositioner. He fires off with a hard right hand, but Expo blocks and gives a chop back in change. Shadow tries to go for a body block off the ropes, but he just bounces right off the much larger Expositioner. He stands there, frustrated, as Expositioner shouts out "X-POUND!"; Shadow freezes, unsure of what to do, and Expo bounces off the second rope and lays in with the Lou Thesz Press! He rolls off a prone Shadow - "X-TRACTION!" - and Shadow ROLLS ONTO HIS BACK TO COUNTER! Except that's exactly what Expo wanted. Octopus Stretch! Shadow's SCREAMING in agony, "HE'S TOO UNPREDICTABLE!" and no warm-blooded AWX member can stand by to see one of their men in pain like that. So Turancula distracts the ref by doing some awful pantomime, while The Bee climbs up beside Nenji! Oh my god it's THE STING! The Bee lands on BOTH wrestlers, who just lie on the canvas. Morgan Smythe turns around to see the aftermath, as The Bee slips out just in time, and she starts another count-out. One. Two. Three. Four. We see signs of life as Shadow starts crawling to his corner. Five. Six. Expo stumbles towards the Mystic Ninja. Shadow tags in Nenji - Expo tags in Mystic Ninja! THE CROWD IS FOAMING AT THEIR COLLECTIVE MOUTH!
Mystic Ninja and Nenji circle each other in the middle of the ring. Nenji lets out a tentative kick, which Ninja blocks and counters with a leg sweep, but Nenji leaps over it and tries to bring down an elbow on Mystic Ninja, who rolls out of the way and back to his feet. Oh, it's on. Kicks and punches fly in the middle of the ring, most of them getting blocked; Mystic Ninja does a flying Crane kick and Nenji leans back JUST far enough to dodge it. As Ninja lands, Nenji lashes out with a spinning heel kick, and he connects! The Mystic Ninja rolls with the blow and gets back to his feet, sidesteps a rushing Nenji, and gives him a kick to the back. Nenji falls to the ground, and Mystic Ninja's on the top turnbuckle before anyone knows what's happening! SHURIKEN PRESS! Nenji's bruised from the impact, but he's not giving up. Mystic Ninja lifts him up, but Nenji breaks the hold and WHALLOPS his opponent with an European uppercut! Mystic Ninja stumbles back, and Nenji continues the offensive! Mystic Ninja blocks a kick to the midsection, but Nenji follows up with a drop kick and floors the Ninja. Mystic Ninja grits his teeth and gets to his feet, and Nenji lets loose with the MYSTIC SIDE KICK! Mystic Ninja is DOWN! Nenji goes for the cover!
One!
Two!
Three!
FOOT ON THE ROPES! Nenji moved too far into Mystic Exposition's corner, and SOMEHOW Mystic Ninja got his foot on the ropes! Nenji looks pleadingly at Morgan Smythe, but she's all business. The match will continue. Nenji, angry, goes in to tag Shadow, who rushes at Mystic Ninja with a falling elbow drop, and then pulls him away from his corner. Mystic Ninja grabs at his feet, and trips Shadow up, and now Mystic Ninja's up again, and he's locked in the SHARPSHOOTER! Shadow's gritting his teeth, reaching for the ropes, finally does! Ninja releases the hold, then rushes over to his corner to tag in The Expositioner. Expo rushes at Shadow, but Ninja grabs his shoulder and shakes his head. He points to the two turnbuckles, and the crowd's on the same page as Mystic Exposition. "X-TERMINATE!" they shout, while Shadow, getting to his fee, shouts at the crowd, "What?" Mystic Ninja and The Expositioner are on the top turnbuckles by now, and they both shout out "X-TERMINATE!" Shadow turns around to face them. "What do you..OH GOD N--" THEY CONNECT! Mystic Ninja and The Expositioner connect with double dropkicks, and now The Expositioner goes in for the cover! Mystic Ninja counters a charging Nenji and sends him over the top rope!
One!
Two!
THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here are your winners! Mystic Ninja and The Expositioner! MYSTIC EXPOSITION!
Mystic Exposition extend their hands to the members of AWX, who begrudgingly shake them in a display of good sportsmanship. Outside the ring, German the Clown and Der Klowne Deutschelander shake hands with Turancula and The Bee.
BILL HEWSON: It was a hard-fought match on both sides, Jack Attack, but at the end there had to be a winner. And it's nice to see that there are no hard feelings between these men. Both of these teams have proved that just because they're seen as a "comedy team" doesn't mean they can't bring the goods when it comes to a match!
JACK JONES: I'm embarassed to have sat through this.
BILL HEWSON: Aren't you the same Jack Jones who used a 55 minute headlock to stretch out a 60 minute draw?
JACK JONES: And I retained my Pacific Northwest title by doing so! That wasn't embarassing, that was brilliant!
JACK JONES: Believe it or not, I only escaped with superficial wounds.
BILL HEWSON: Who would have thought trying to breed pirahnas and tigers would lead to such calamity?
"STONE COLD CRAZY!"
The crowd pops as the one, the only Simply Beautiful comes through the curtain. He's in his ring gear with a "THAT'S NOT THE BEST, THAT'S NOT THE COOLEST, THAT'S SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL" t-shirt on. He hits the ring and asks for the microphone. He pauses, soaking up the cheers of the crowd with a cocky grin.
SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL: Thank you, thank you. Now before I get around to the business of kicking Kevin Kodiak's lumberjack ass all the way back to Northern BC, I have a little something to say. You see, all week long I've said one thing and one thing only... and that is, now that I've sent Brian Bruno packing all the way down to Raleigh, well...
I'M BACK, BABY!
Crowd pops. "SB, SB, SB!"
SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL: And NOW that I've put "Big Bad" behind me, I have one goal and one goal alone... and that is takin' apart THE CRIMES one by one! I've beaten LDK so many times it's boring, but I am laying out a challenge next week for Ca$h... and if by some fluke, you end up the NAPW Champion tonight, hey, bring the belt with you ---
"Hold on just a minute!"
Terry Brandon. Boo.
TERRY BRANDON: Now just hold on a minute here, son, I say, hold on a minute! I want to know just who you are thinking that you can come out here and challenge the next NAPW Champion to a match!
SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL: Are you getting senile, Brandon? Hey fans, who the hell am I?
Loudly.
"SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL."
TERRY BRANDON: Well it's good that the humanoids know your name, but it's time they remember my name ... and title! I'm the Acting Commissioner of NAPW, son, and what that means is that I run the show. The only man I defer to in running the show is that son of a gun Rex Caliber, and you're not Rex Caliber. What have you done lately, Simply Beautiful to earn a shot at the Crown Jewel of The Crimes and next NAPW Champion? The last time I checked, NAPW was a promotion based on win-loss records, and also the last time I checked, yours hasn't been so stellar in 2007!
Crowd boos. SB smirks, saying "What's your point?"
TERRY BRANDON: So as far as I'm concerned, and since I'm the Acting Commissioner, my concern makes it YOUR concern, you have a lot of work to do before you even get a sniff at championship gold in New Alberta Pro again! So let's bring out your opponent and have ourselves a match, dammit!
BILL HEWSON: NAPW based on win-loss records? How Brandon and Caliber don't choke on their hypocrisy, I'll never know.
JACK JONES: What? Brandon's right! Simply Beautiful has been a complete mess all spring! He's lucky he hasn't lost every match he's been in but if you want to take win-loss records, he isn't exactly Bill Goldberg!
"Frankenstein" - Edgar Winters Band hits the arenas speakers, and Kevin Kodiak runs out of the back, and towards the ring. Simply Beautiful drops the mike. The referee manages to keep the fighters separate, but fails as the two starts going at it, trading punches and kicks. Referee John Sharplin manages to separate the two, and calls for the bell, officially starting the contest. The two men tie up, with a collar and elbow tie up. Kodiak, using his height and weight advantage throws SB to the ropes and knocks him off his feet with a big boot.
JACK JONES: Kevin Kodiak winning the opening stanza of the match, not that anybody's surprised by that.
BILL HEWSON: Well, Simply Beautiful isn't going to be finished off THAT early. He is a former Pure Honor champion and seems to have a new fire in his belly!
Kevin Kodiak drops and elbow onto the chest of Simply Beautiful. He picks up Beautiful and drops him with a Sidewalk Slam. He makes the cover. One, two, KICKOUT!
BILL HEWSON: Kevin Kodiak trying to end this match early, but Simply Beautiful kicks out at two.
JACK JONES: I'm shocked SB remembers how to kick-out.
BILL HEWSON: Will you be serious?
They both rise to their feet, cautious of each other. Kodiak stuns SB with a quick left right combo. Kevin continues his assault on Simply Beautiful with a series of short and strong one-two combos. He throws Simply Beautiful to the ropes. Beautiful tries for a Crossbody, but is caught in the air by Kodiak and slammed to the mat with a scoop slam.
JACK JONES: What a dumb mistake by Beautiful. Kodiak's got strength on his side.
BILL HEWSON: You can't blame a man for trying.
JACK JONES: Sure I can.
SB stumbles back to his feet, groggily. Kodiak charges at him, but Beautiful counters with a deep arm drag. Kodiak gets up and charges again, and again he is met with a deep arm drag. Shades of Ricky Steamboat with those deep arm drags. Kodiak gets back to his feet. The crowd cheers a little for the athleticism of these two. Kodiak gestures for SB to come to him this time, which he cautiously does so. The have a collar and elbow tie up. Kodiak gets shoved into the corner. SB calls for silence. He gives Kevin a Ric Flair Chop "WHOOOO!", Kodiak grabs his chest. Simply gives him another. "WHOOOO!" SB pulls Kevin out of the corner and hits his trademark Spin Doctor. SB locks in the Painkiller, to the arm of Kodiak.
BILL HEWSON: Beautiful trying to force a submission here, smartly working the arm of Kodiak!
JACK JONES: How is that smart? Beautiful should be hitting high impact moves, not playing with the arm of Kodiak.
BILL HEWSON: But by taking out Kevin Kodiak's arm Jack Attack, Beautiful's making sure that Kodiak can't hit any high impact moves on HIM.
Kodiak is making it back to a vertical base, as he does so, Beautiful turns the Arm Bar into a Hammerlock. Mike Jones is asking Kodiak if he wants to give up, but Kevin refuses. Kodiak in on one knee. He manages to grab the ropes, and Jones orders Beautiful to release the hold. As Kodiak gets to his feet Simply Beautiful showers him with a series of blow to his body and head, to get him back on one knee. Kodiak hits SB with a vicious uppercut to the jaw to send him to the mat. Kodiak gets to his feet, stretching his injured shoulder. As Simply raises from the mat, he goes vertical. Kodiak takes him to the centre of the Ring, and Beautiful crashes back down to Earth with a Delayed Vertical Suplex. Beautiful writhes in pain. Kodiak goes for the cover. ONE! TWO! THREE! KICKOUT!
BILL HEWSON: I'm amazed Beautiful was able to kick out of that devastating Vertical Suplex.
JACK JONES: Kick out?! That was just a twitch from the Vertical Suplex.
Kodiak gets to his feet, unable to believe that Simply Beautiful kicked out. He gets to his feet, pulling SB up with him. He hits a Michinoku Driver II~! Into the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
Kodiak argues with John Sharplin... but wait a minute! SB KIPS UP! KODIAK TURNS AROUND --- INTO THE SEXYKICK! Kodiak topples to the canvas, SB hits the ropes for ONE, TWO, THREE jumps --- TRIPLE JUMP MOONSAULT!
NAILS IT!
ONE!
TWO!
KICK-OUT!
SB groans, he can't believe Kodiak kicked out. He pulls his man up with a handful of hair, then whips Kodiak off the ropes. SB with a SPEAR --- No! Kodiak crumples him with a Spinning Heel kick. Kodiak picks up the stunned Beautiful and headbutts him back to the canvas. SB is pulled back to his feet, Kodiak Signals to the crowd, and goes for his TIMBER! Signature move, but SB reverses it into an Impact DDT - in turn reversed into a DDT by Kodiak, who finally smashes Beautiful into the mat. The crowd pops at this double reverse. Cover gets TWO.
BILL HEWSON: Where are these two getting their energy?! TheyÕve been battering each other for about 10 minutes, and show no signs of stopping.
Kevin Kodiak roars with frustration. He slowly gets to his feet, and assends the Top turnbuckle. He hits a Splash, hooking Simply Beautiful's leg for the pin.
ONE! TWO!
KICKOUT AGAIN!
Simply Beautiful simply refuses to stay down for the three count. SB is dragged to his feet, probably for the last time tonight. Kodiak attempts his second TIMBER! For the night, only to have it quickly reversed into an Impact DDT! Beautiful gets to his feet, raising his arm to the cheering crowd. He ascends the turnbuckle himself. The crowd cheers in anticipation as Beautiful jumps off and hits the NEW YORK NIGHTMARE! He hooks the leg of Kodiak.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
The bell rings, and Stone Cold Crazy begins to play. Simply Beautiful gets to his feet, arms raised in victory
FRANK WARBURTON: And here is your winner of the match, by way of Pinfall... SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!
SB hits the corner in celebration, although he is holding his head in pain. Crowd is loving it.
BILL HEWSON: Simply Beautiful picking up a big win here tonight... uh oh, this could be dangerous.
JACK JONES: It could be fun.
Kevin Kodiak has stirred, getting to his feet. He walks over to Simply Beautiful and taps him on the shoulder. Simply Beautiful turns around, getting face-to-chest with Kodiak. Kodiak offers his hand. SB almost looks like he's going to brush it off, but shakes hands with Kodiak. The veteran exits the ring, leaving SB to celebrate a hard-fought victory.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, this match is scheduled for one fall. And it is a HANDICAP MATCH!
NO ONE'S GOING TO TAKE ME ALIVE!
A massive pop as The Beast makes his way through the curtains.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, from St. Albert, Alberta. He weighs two hundred and seventy pounds: BRUCE " THE BEAST" RICHARDS!!
A huge scowl on Richards' face. He knows the match he should be having tonight. If only he had played ball...
BILL HEWSON: Bruce Richards isn't one to complain, but you have to believe he wanted to be fighting for the NAPW title tonight!
JACK JONES: He crossed the boss. And he's going to learn a lesson in humility tonight.
My Generation hits the speakers, as the Bluegrass Mafia hit the ring, to a solid amount of boos. The Alberta crowd are not fans of the BGM's new attitude as of late.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponents, accompanied by "Lovely" Lyndsey Valentine, they are Matt and Chad Kurtis, The BLUEGRASS MAFIA!
Chad Kurtis takes the mic from Warburton.
CHAD KURTIS: You know, as much as we appreciate Rex's faith in us - and that was sarcastic, if you couldn't tell - this doesn't need to be a handicap match. My big blue ass-kicking brother doesn't need any help to waste The Beast!
Matthew Kurtis takes the mic.
MATTHEW KURTIS: This'll be just me and you, Beast. Now get your ass over here!
Richards doesn't argue this, and he strides over to Matt, and the two big men stare down. Chad and Lyndsey go to the outside, Chad with a huge smirk on his face. Referee Morgan Smythe calls for the bell, and Matt opens up with a huge slap to the face of the Beast! A gasp from the crowd as they expect the Beast to explode. But he just pauses a second, gets the faintest hint of a smile on his face, then responds with a slap of his own. And that gets the fans going:
You got bitch slapped!
JACK JONES: These people have no class. There are children here!
BILL HEWSON: Um, I seem to recall an outburst at a playground yesterday...
JACK JONES: When I do it it's cute...
Matt doesn't back down as he nails a stiff head butt to Richards. Richards staggers, allowing Matt time to hit a clothesline. Richards stumbles into the corner, and Matt races in with a Yakuza kick! A sick smack as boot hits jaw, and that sends the Beast to the mat, much to the shock of the fans. As Chad yells for his brother not to let up, Matt lays in with boots to the chest of Richards. Smythe calls for him to back up, which Matt eventually does. The Beast is slow to his feet, and Matt pounces, hefting up his opponent and slamming him to the mat! He covers! One... Way too early for that! The Beast gets his shoulder up, and Matt just shrugs, knowing he's in control. He plants a knee to the side of Richards' head, then slaps on a headlock, trying to wear his man down. Beast grabs the ropes, forcing the break, then slides to the outside to catch a breather.
BILL HEWSON: Matthew Kurtis grabbing control early on. The Beast is not his usual dominant self tonight!
JACK JONES: Because he messed with the Crimes, Bill! The Beast has been broken. Tonight we get to see him for the last time!
Indeed, The Beast seems to be out of it as Matt pursues him to the outside. He grabs Richards by the shoulder and spins him around...
SMACK
Beast nails a palm strike right to Matt Kurtis' temple!
And we see that hint of a smile again... as the Beast boots Kurtis in the head, knocking him into the guardrail! The fans come alive for the resurgence of the Beast. Kurtis is dazed, but clears the cobwebs just in time to be clotheslined over the railing into the front row! Chad Kurtis isn't grinning now. And he gets even angrier when he hears the chant build:
BEAST IS GONNA KILL YOU!
BEAST IS GONNA KILL YOU!
Matt stumbles over the barricade, and gets tossed back into the ring by Richards. Richards slides in after his opponent, then locks him up in a pump handle. And here comes the slam! Kurtis hits the mat hard, but it took a lot out of the Beast to hit the move, as both men are a bit slow to get up. Beast recovers faster, and pounces on Kurtis, going for a pin!One, two... only a two! Richards' turn to go for a rest hold, as he slaps on a rear chin lock. Matt struggles against the hold, but manages to turn onto his side, receiving some of the pressure. By grabbing the bottom rope, the hold gets broken. Richards takes a step back, waits for Kurtis to get to his feet, then charges! Kurtis ducks, and back body drops the Beast over the top rope! Richards lands on the floor in a heap!
JACK JONES: And the momentum shifts just like that!
Richards looks to be hurt, but Matt doesn't let up. He's out on the floor in a flash, and he hefts his man back into the ring (but not before a few well placed stomps). The Beast tries to pull himself up with the ropes, but Kurtis grabs him and nails a German Suplex! The Beast hits the mat hard! And a cover! One... two... barely a kickout! Matt looks a little bit surprised, but doesn't relent. He drags Richards to his feet, then slaps on a bear hug! Nothing pretty about this move! Just squeezing every ounce of air out of his opponent! Kurtis manages to get his fingers locked to cinch in the hold, and the Beast is in trouble! He tries to slid his arm under one of Kurtis' to relieve the pressure, but no dice. He picks up Kurtis, and carries him one step. He puts him down and reaches for the rope. Not yet. He picks his opponent up again. Puts him down. Reaches. Still not there yet. He tries one more time, only this time Kurtis plants his feet, dead-weighting himself. The Beast needs to try a different tactic. He smacks his forehead against Kurtis'. Matt looks stunned, but doesn't let go. Beast tries again. Matt staggers a bit, but no release. A third head butt, and the fingers loosen just a bit. Bruce gets an arm free! He grabs Kurtis by the hair and pulls his face close and bites down on Matt's nose! Smythe orders an immediate release! Chad and Lyndsey are furious on the outside! And Matt lets go in order to make Bruce let go. Everybody wins. Even if there's a slight trickle of blood on the bridge of Matt's nose.
JACK JONES: I can't believe he would stoop to such tactics!
BILL HEWSON: His name is "BEAST". What do you expect?
Matt is angry now, and lays in with forearms to the Beast's head. But the Beast is fighting back, and he gets a few forearms of his own. They trade shots, but then Matt rears back for a huge blow!
Beast ducks, catches Matt's arm, and hooks a Cobra Clutch! All he needs to add now is the BOMB!
Kurtis hits the mat and Bruce covers! One.. two... Kurtis gets an arm up! The Beast doesn't look angry... more disappointed, that he didn't finish it there. He tries to lift Kurtis up for a human torture rack, but too much damage has been done this match. Beast stumbles a bit, drops Matt, who lands on his feet, then rolls Beast up in a small package! One... Two... Beast kicks out! Both men hit their feet and then nail each other with a double clothesline! Both men go down hard! Smythe starts the ten count! Chad and Lyndsey pound the mat to will ... Matt to his feet, but the fans chant for Bruce, and both men are on their feet by seven. They glare at each other. Then lock up. Matthew with a go behind, and school boys Beast for a cover! One... Two...
Beast has his shoulder up. Or more accurately, he grabs hold of Matt with THE CLAW! The Beast gets to his feet as he puts more and more pressure on the head of Matt Kurtis! Lyndsey Valentine is on the ring apron, and Smythe goes to head her off. But she misses Chad Kurtis going to the top rope...
BILL HEWSON: Come on! He said they didn't need this match to be a handicap match!
And the crowd is on their feet trying to warn Bruce of what's about to happen. They're buzzing in anticipation. Wait ....
That's not the crowd buzzing. (* groan* all complaints can be sent to admin who will forward them on to me)
JACK JONES: What the Hell are they doing here?!?!?
Chad Kurtis? FEEL THE STING!
The Awesome Wrestling eXplosion has raced to ringside! Shadow and Tarancula launch the Bee at Chad! Chad stumbles off the ropes, hits the ring apron and tumbles to the floor (miraculously not landing on the Bee, who is chomping at Chad's ears). Nenji, Shadow and Tarancula race over and put the boots to the downed Kurtis brother! The Beast has let go of the Claw as he surveys the mayhem on the outside. He shakes his head and turns back to Matt...
Who has had just enough recovery time to land a boot to the Beast's midsection! He calls for the Kurtis Krusher! Beast fights it! Kurtis plants forearms into Bruce's back, then hefts him up!
Beast rolls through and rolls Kurtis up! One ... two... Kurtis kicks out! Both men hit their feet, Matt charges, Beast scoops him up in position for a Chart Attack! He hefts Kurtis up...
Matt reverses into a DDT! A cover! One... Two... BEAST KICKS OUT!! Matt goes for the Kurtis Krusher again, and again Beast fights it! He slumps to one knee. Matt leans down trying to heft him up..
And the Beast grabs a hold of Matt's leg. The other arm gets a grip on Matt's head. He stands up, supporting all three hundred and fifteen pounds of his opponent. And then he nails
BILL HEWSON: CHART ATTACK!
Kurtis hits the mat with a thud, and the Beast quickly covers, hooking the leg and holding on for dear life as Smythe counts:
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner! BRUCE "THE BEAST" Richards!!
And a massive fan reaction.
BILL HEWSON: He did it! What was supposed to be a punishment turned into a hard fought victory! You can bet the boss won't be too happy.
Indeed. And the Bluegrass Mafia don't look too happy either as the AWX walk to the back, celebrating a small taste to revenge. But the moment belongs to the Beast. Who can only have one thing on his mind:
Getting back what's his...
JACK JONES: Anyways, then I paid my debt in full and told the judge I was sorry.
BILL HEWSON: You... did?
JACK JONES: Of course.
BILL HEWSON: Are you sure? No axel grease and pistacho filled kiddie pools? No sending enforcers after your mother? You apologized and paid your debt, without any twists or problems?
JACK JONES: Of course I did! What's YOUR problem?
BILL HEWSON: Who are you and what have you done with Jack Jones?
Well, let's interrupt this odd conversation. With what? How about, with AkForty and his track "Farther Away?" Oh. And a big fat pop to accompany it to welcome a man this crowd is more than happy to see!
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the NAPW PROVINCIAL CHAMPIONSHIP! Introducing first the challenger, from Chicago Illinois! Weighing two-hundred and five pounds, he is the record-setting TV Champion... Jefffff Jaaaaaames!
BILL HEWSON: It was not so long ago that this young man, Jeff James, brought the Television Title to new heights. Jeff James has been waiting for this opportunity to once again hold singles gold, and he will get it tonight against the very man who won the match to unify the Television and Provincial Titles.
JACK JONES: Shame the end result is going to be the same. Nobody's going to take that title from LDK and The Crimes, not tonight, not ever!
James hits the ring and the corners. His music fades, replaced by The Black Keys - and a torrential downpour of boos. Accompanied by the finally walking under his own power John Salty comes the champion...
FRANK WARBURTON: And now! From Bell Island, Newfoundland accompanied by the manager of champions John Salty... he weighs in at two-hundred and forty seven pounds! He is the Technical Terror, the East-Coast Sensation, and then Undisputed Provincial Champion... "LDK" Lllllllloyd Reeeeees!
LDK gets into the ring and taunts the crowd. He is of course wearing the Provincial title belt around his waist. John Salty carries two belts --- the NAPW TV Title belt, and the old "Republic of Newfoundland" title belt. So much GOLD. LDK points to the gold, then James, then shakes his finger. "Close as ye are goin' t'get, bye!" Jeff James glances at the old TV Title belt he carried with such pride, and then stares LDK in the eyes, saying nothing. His look says it all.
James and LDK circle one another, and then meet to lock horns in center-ring. LDK gets the upper hand and shoves the youngster to the corner, but James fires up and comes right back for more - and delivers a stiff open hand to Rees' face. Rees answers with a knife edge chop, which in turn gets him an overhand chop to the chest. Rees with an elbow smash to the jaw, and then another aaaaand CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! Rees can not tell a lie! He just chopped down James cherry tree, and the former TV Champion is sent into the corner. Rees follows with a clothesline attempt, but James Jackie Chan's his way to the tope rope and leaps over as Rees approches - Sunset Flip! Quick two count! Rees gets up first but he's immediately swept off his feet, and James hits the Crash Landing! James is heating up and bounces off the ropes for a springboard corkscrew leg drop and hits it with authority! Cover, hook of the leg, but Rees is out at just two.
Both competitors jump to their feet and James feeds his leg to Rees looking for an enzuigiri, but "Da Technical Terror" ducks it. He hangs onto James' leg and sweeps the other one from under him, following with an elbow drop back. That one hit right between the shoulder blades and had to KILL. James rolls over to face up, and Rees goes for another pointed elbow attack - but Jeff back sommersualts out of the way and springs to his feet. He gets Rees with a toe kick and a textbook vertical suplex - but Jeff wouldn't be Jeff without adding something to that textbook - STANDING MOONSAULT, how does he do that? James is climbing to the top, he's gonna look to end this right here! But Rees gets up and crotches him. Oh no! Wabanna Buster on the way! BAM! James with a right hand sends Lloyd all the way back down to the mat. James with a throat slash, could be it? Diving headbutt! Rees rolls out of the way, and James' face gets smushed on the canvas. Rees stands over James, laughing and pointing to his head. Yeah, we get it Lloyd. Smarter than you. Gotcha. (BLEEP).
The Champion grabs his challenger off the mat and goes for a bodyslam - but James wiggles free and slides off behind - and connects with sleeper slam! Not quite the NyQuil Driver, but close enough! That buys James some time, who's still shaken up after crash landing (no pun intended). Quickly enough he's back on his feet, and picks Lloyd up to whip him into the ropes and connect with a Spinning Wheel Kick. He's up like a shot, and bounces off the ropes like a trapeeze artist with another springboard move, this time a Lionsault that hits paydirt! He covers Rees once more, but the most decorated champion in NAPW history powers out before the two count! James gets to his feet immediately, and tries picking Rees up off the mat - low blow, and Salty distracted referee Morgan Smythe, she didn't see a thing! Curse that Lloyd Rees!
BILL HEWSON: With as much talent as he has, Lloyd Rees does not need to rely on underhanded tactics to win matches - so I can only assume that he's a big enough jerk to just enjoy cheating.
JACK JONES: You call that cheating? I call that brilliance, William! Brilliance!
BILL HEWSON: Keep it up, Jack, maybe you can be the New Crimes' towel boy.
JACK JONES: Hey, you gotta get along to go along. I'd do anything to keep this job - my child support bills are sky high!
BILL HEWSON: Aaaaand back to the action, Lloyd Rees still in control here with that vice-like rear chinlock!
JACK JONES: Slap on that Conception Bay Chinlock and end it, Lloyd! C'mon Salty, get on him!
BILL HEWSON: Would you give it a rest - wait a minute, Jeff James is rising to his feet!
Indeed he is, and he's just delivered the three elbow thrusts of doom and broken free! He Irish whips LLoyd Rees to the ropes and runs off the adjacent ones to try a Flying Lariat - Lloyd puts the brakes on and Rees stands on his feet in front of him. SICK Scoop Brainbuster puts James down on the canvas. The fans here in the Polish Hall were just getting back into this thing but that silenced them - save for the boos being reigned down on the Provincial Champion. Rees with a really delayed cover, and as a result he gets just two! Rees doesn't care much, he's toying with James now as he gets on top of him, slapping him on the back of the head and taunting him in what can only be described as Yosemite Sam-ese. More boos, more intense now, and Salty tells some guy in the front row with Blue Jays jersey to sit down (and that his team sucks!). Rees on the inside now locks on the Lance Cove Leglock! Near the ropes, but it's gonna be a struggle for James to reach them! Smythe is right in his face, asking him if he wants to pack it in and live to fight another day - but James shakes his finger and screams NO! NO! He reaches...reaches...the ropes are so close, he can just graze them - but that doesn't break the hold, he needs to grab them. Rees cranks back hard and tells him to give up, but the fans are on there feet here in Edmonton! They're firmly behind this kid from Chicago and their energy is giving James energy! He drags himself and Rees closer to the ropes and reaches out for them once more...and...almost thereee...
GOT EM'!
The crowd explodes like he just WON the match, and Smythe orders the clean break. Yeah, right. That's what Rees is known for, his clean breaks. He pulls back extra hard on the Leglock before violently throwing James legs down on the mat. In a flash, he's stomping the challenger's lower back out. He drags him to the middle of the ring again for what appears to be one more Lance Cove Leglock. If he locks it in again, it's goodnight nurse. He goes for it - and James kicks him off! Rees shoots back up and grabs the legs again, only to be kicked off once more! James nips up DDT's Lloyd Rees! No! Rees counters in mid-move and jacks James' up with a SPINE-BUSTAH! The ring shakes, and the crowd is deflated once again. Just how rees likes them to be. He stomps away some more at Jeff James and decides that now would be a good time for a head scissors, to take the rest of the fight out of his opponent. Hate him or hate him, it's hard not to appreciate Rees' excellent technical skill and tacticc he displays between bouts of cheating like a maniac. The hold is applied, and it looks like James might be slipping away into unconsciousness as the move slowly takes it's effect. Rees laxes a bit, and James takes the opportunity to roll him up and get a quick ONE! TWO! kickout at the last second! Wow, Rees almost just lost the title in the blink of an eye. And he's NOT happy about it, here he goes with the a snap suplex once both men have gotten to their feet. He puts James in an armbar, but James gets to his feet, wheels around, and rolls the Champ up! ONEE! TWOO! THRE-NO! Dammit, Rees escapes again. But the crowd is going bonkers, the Technical Terror is being shown up here!
BILL HEWSON: Lloyd Rees had better be more careful, or this kid is going to take his Provincial Championship here tonight!
JACK JONES: Don't be ridiculous Hewson! Rees has this one in the bag!
Both men lock eyes - and it's on as if the match was re-started! Punches! Kicks! Chops! Oh BABY, the chops! Forearm smashes, everything including the kitchen sink, but neither man is getting the upper hand in this wild brawl! Rees with a rake of the eyes, but James rakes the eyes right back leaving both men visually impaired. Rees with a blind swing misses, and James can't find the mark with a knife edge chop that Rees stumbles out of the way of. Salty hops on the apron and throws water in Rees' eyes to flush them out, and Rees is ready to rumble once again! As Smythe orders Salty down off the apron, Rees just rears back and kicks the dizzied James right in the groin. DDT from the Green! Rees barks for Smythe to get over, and she does - ONE....TWO...THRE-NO! Kickout! Rees is beside himself, and the crowd has gone banana creme! He wastes no time in whipping James off the ropes - FRESH WATER FLIP! Another cover! ONE...TWOOO....THREE? No, James kicks out once more! What's Rees going to have to do? He digs deeper into the playbook, and brings out an old signature - The East End Drop! BAM, that's gotta be the end of the match. ONE! TWO! JUST TWO! The crowd has gone into a frenzy, and Rees looks about ready to wring Smythe's neck. He's in her face, Salty is yelling on the ring apron, and Smythe is shouting at Rees to back off. All the while, James is stirring. Rees turns right around into a SIDE EFFECT! He bounces off the mat and pops straight up, only to be decked with a jumping superkick that sends him into the corner. He stumbles out and James darts behind him - JAMES EFFECT! JAMES EFFECT! JAMES EFFECT! COVER
ONE!!!!
TWOOOOOOOOO!!!!
THREEE-WHAT?
John Salty pulls Rees out of the ring! And they're headed for the exit!
BILL HEWSON: Now what the hell is the meaning of this?
JACK JONES: Brilliant! He'll hang onto the title and keep the New Crimes on top! What a team player!
BILL HEWSON: Team player my Maple Leaf-loving behind, that's a coward right there! WAIT A MINUTE! STONE ZELLOR!
The crowd's boos are replaced with HUGE cheers when Stone Z! emerges and chops Rees right in the chest! Salty resents it and is immediately dropped on his ass. Stone grabs Rees by the head and runs him allll the way down to the ring and tosses him back inside, and Smythe is going to let this thing continue!
JACK JONES: What is this? CHEAT! LIAR! BLASPHEMER!
BILL HEWSON: You're abosutely right, and now Rees is going to pay for being all those things!
James goes for another James effect - countered! Rees with a whip to the ropes, and his clothesline attempt is ducked. James with another superkick, but Rees steps back and it misses him. Toe kick! NISH J. DROP COMING!
NO! James slides out and throws a punch - it's caught! Rees gets him in the CONCEPTION BAY CHINLOCK! OH NO!
JACK JONES: YES! YES! YES! GOODBYE, BLUE MONDAY!
BILL HEWSON: COME ON, KID, HANG IN THERE!
He did it against Yellow Chicken twice, and now he's trapped in the deadliest submission in all of independent wrestling, being applied by perhaps it's greatest technical wrestler as well. But James is smart - and he knows that Rees isn't expecting this. He BRIDGES, putting Rees into a pin!
ONE!
Rees doesn't even hear the count, he's pulling back as hard as he can!
TWO!
REES IS STILL CLUELESS!
THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
JACK JONES: NOOOO!!!
BILL HEWSON: HE DID IT! THE KID DID IT, WHAT AN UPSET! JEFF JAMES! JEFF JAMES!
In the ring, pint-sized Morgan Smythe is trying to pull LDK off of James, the bell is ringing like crazy! LDK lets go and demands Smythe raise his arm, she shakes her head no. "What ya mean? RAISE ME HAND!" Smythe leans down and tells Frank exactly what to say... Stone Zellor is in the ring, kneeling next to Jeff James...
FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of the match...
AND NEWWWWWW PROVINCIAL CHAMPION...
JEEEEEEEFF JAAAAAAAAAAMMMMES!
BILL HEWSON: And LDK is beside himself! Rees trying to attack Jeff James, Stone Zellor cuts him off --- and sends LDK all the way out to the floor! Thank God for Stone Zellor, who was not able to wrestle tonight because of an assault several weeks ago... but what an impact he made here tonight!
Lloyd Rees is walking up the aisle. His expression is one of utter shock. Shell-shock. John Salty is trying to talk him up, trying to tell him there'll be another day, but LDK has gone blank.
Meanwhile! In the ring! The referee hands Jeff James the Provincial Title belt and the crowd explodes as he raises it over his head! James raises it to four corners of the ring, he has taken the title from not only LDK, but The Crimes. Jeff James asks for the microphone?
JEFF JAMES: Thank you... (breathing heavily)... you know, last year, I learned a lot from The Yellow Chicken about what it means to be a CHAMPION in this great sport of ours! And today... I am so proud to stand here the new Provincial Champion, not only because it brings the belt back into the hands of a man who respects and loves professional wrestling, not only because this kind of thing pisses off The Crimes, but because I want and I plan and I WILL bring to the Provincial Title, which has been tarnished by men like Kurt Castle and LDK... (breathing)... ah! I will bring prestige, honor and respect to the Provincial Title once again! And I will be a FIGHTING champion!
The crowd is STANDING for this. Stone Zellor is clapping, and then he asks for the mic. James hands it over...
"DYNAMITE" STONE ZELLOR: Now let me say this... CAN I HEAR YOU IN THIS BIZATCH E-TOWNNNNN?
YEAHHHHHHHHH!
"DYNAMITE" STONE ZELLOR: Jeff James, you know last month it was almost me who took that P-Vincial Champeeenship from th' LDK... so I'm askin' you right out, LIKE A MAN... for the first shot at the title, baby! What do you say?
JEFF JAMES: You want a shot at the Provincial title?!
"DYNAMITE" STONE ZELLOR: Hell yes I do, baby!
JEFF JAMES: YOU GOT IT!
KABOOOOOOOM!
Wait a minute.
TERRY BRANDON: Now hold on, hold on, HOLD on just a minute, goddammit! You don't make the title matches in here! What is WITH you people tonight! I'M THE COMMISSIONER! I MAKE THE MATCHES! You people, you want a title match, Jeff James vs Stone Zellor? Well Stone Zellor, Jeff James, way I see it, if you didn't get involved in this title match here, Lloyd Rees wouldn't be the FORMER Provincial Champion! Jeff James, you will defend the title next week, but not against Stone Zellor, against a challenger of MY choosing!
And Stone Zellor... well, next week, I'll tell you what! I'm going to stick you in a match against a man who no doubt would love another chance to put you out! A man you're very familiar with! And I don't like him myself, but I DO like the idea of what he could do to you and hell, if you do a little damage yourself... Next week, SUPERSTAR RULES, MIDNIGHT COWBOYS vs DOOMRIDERS once more! STONE ZELLOR vs TOMMY DEATHROW!
The crowd pops for the match, but then as soon turns to boos as Brandon scowls and exits through the curtain. James and Stone are left in the ring with expressions of disgust on their faces in light of Brandon's ruling...
But they shake it off and shake hands, Stone Zellor raising Jeff James' arm high in the air, the new champion raising his belt high in the other hand. Stone Zellor and Jeff James have let The Crimes know exactly where they stand --- AGAINST THEM.
BILL HEWSON: Wrestling fans, up next we have the Tag Team title match. Now, let us bring you back to last month's Triangle Ladder match for the tag titles. At the end of the match, it was Chris Casino and Donovan Astros on the top of the ladder, fighting for the belts. David Banks pulled the ladder out from under the two men...
JACK JONES: And then the unthinkable happened!
BILL HEWSON: Well, what happened was Astros and Casino each pulled down a tag title belt. Acting Commissioner Terry Brandon determined that Astros and Casino, despite representing different teams, would be the tag team champions. And then just to further stir the pot, Brandon forced Casino and Astros to defend their titles against the team of Sebastien Martyr and Jake Phoenix... their tag team partners on any given night. You know this just an attempt by Terry Brandon to break up two teams that have given The Crimes fits.
JACK JONES: I'm a proponent of The Crimes and certainly Terry Brandon's tough but fair commissionership, but I just don't know about this entire situation!
BILL HEWSON: Certainly I am not a fan of either team, Malicious Intent or Murder City Devils. And yet I have to say, I think Martyr, Phoenix, Astros and yes, even Chris Casino, are being screwed over here. Just let the two teams fight it out... but Rex Caliber clearly considers, and rightly so, these four men to be threats. He's got them squabbling with each other and far away from Crimes business. Speaking of business, it's time to get down to it!
Ministry cranks it up. "New World Order." Not THAT New World Order. The big man, ugly expression on his face, storms down to the ring in his steel-toes. He rolls in the ring, looks out at the curtain. He just wants to fight. The crowd gives him a mix of boos but some cheers are there. The crowd has no problem seeing Phoenix kill suckers dead!
Up next... Tool. It's totally early nineties metal night! And that brings out, to huge boos, Sebastien Martyr. He has a bandage on his forehead from where Deathrow bashed him into the water fountain earlier tonight. Martyr doesn't roll into the ring, instead circling the outside and talking trash. Who knows, Phoenix is angry enough to possibly destroy his partner as well.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the NAPW Tag Team titles! Introducing first, from Fort Lauderdale Florida, he is Jake Phoenix! And his partner, from The Shadows... Sebastien Martyr!
Change it up... Pigeonhed. Carrying a tag title belt in one hand and Terry Brandon's old busted up briefcase in his other hand is none other than Donovan Astros, to boos. He comes to near the ring, looks up at Phoenix screaming for him to get in the ring and get killed. Somehow I don't think Astros is too eager to get into the ring...
Oh, you know what time it is. "Smooth." And the crowd... gives actually a somewhat mixed reaction. Chris Casino exits the curtain, title belt around his waist. He extends his arms out to the sides, grinning broadly and playing it up. He slowly walks to the ring, soaking up the reaction good and bad.
JACK JONES: Chris Casino with a title around his waist... it's like it was meant to be.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing the NAPW Tag Team Champions! First, from Los Angeles, California... Donovan Astros! And his partner, from Las Vegas Nevada... Chriiiiis Casinnno!
BILL HEWSON: Astros has to get in the ring sometime this match... wait, he wants a microphone?
Astros does indeed take the microphone from Frank Warburton. Casino is in the ring, lounging on a corner HBK style. Phoenix is still staring him down, Martyr has taken a corner. Astros holds out a hand to Jake Phoenix from the floor.
DONOVAN ASTROS: Now hold on, Jake! Now I think... that every man in this ring isn't happy with the situation. I don't want to team with Chris Casino! Jake, you don't want to team with Sebastien Martyr... we're all here because Terry Bradshaw is playing his little games, and I'm sick of it. So I propose we settle this...
"Hold on, I say, hold on! How many times do I have to come out here tonight?"
Terry Brandon. AGAIN. And he's as exasperated as the crowd.
TERRY BRANDON: How many times do I have to do this? WRESTLERS... do not make the matches! I make the matches, because I am the Acting Commissioner, and the Acting Commissioner makes the matches! Astros, why don't you shut your big mouth, get in that ring, and wrestle?! Oh and by the way, it's Terry BRANDON!
DONOVAN ASTROS: Oh, I'll wrestle Bradshaw, when I'm good and ready. But first, I want you to make the match. Next week, I want to see this tag title "controversy" taken care of. Whoever wins tonight, I'll tell you what. Next week, we'll have a tag champion vs tag champion match-up... and the winner takes it all, and wins the tag team titles for himself and a partner of his choice.
TERRY BRANDON: Did you hear a word I said, son? I make the matches I want to make, I don't do what you tell me.
DONOVAN ASTROS: I felt like you might say that, Terry Taylor! But you seem to have forgotten that I have THIS.
And Astros holds up the briefcase. Brandon's eyes bulge.
DONOVAN ASTROS: And you know. Everything in it. But if you don't want to make the match, I guess I can show this crowd just what's in "Terry Brandon's Mysterious Briefcase Of Doom." What do you say, Edmonton? Want to see what's in the briefcase?
That would be a big affirmative. Astros shrugs and lays the briefcase on the ring apron and starts fiddling with the padlock that keeps it closed (the original locks have been broken of course. How do you think Astros got into it?). Even Casino looks on, curious.
TERRY BRANDON: WAIT! Wait! Okay... OKAY. You've got your match! You've got your match! The winners tonight will wrestle each other next week, tag titles on the line, winner take all! You've got what you want, just don't open that briefcase!
Astros teases opening it anyways, but then smirks.
DONOVAN ASTROS: I thought you'd see it my way, Bradshaw. Sorry kids, the briefcase contents stay with me---urk!
Urk? Urk is Jake Phoenix reaching over the top rope and grabbing Astros by the throat and pulling him up. Phoenix hauls Astros into the ring and Dick Kiebiech calls for the bell to get things officially started. Astros stumbles up and is immediately beset by meat-tenderizing clubbing shots. Astros forced to a ropes, referee wants a break, Phoenix threatens a backhand. Kiebiech flinches, Phoenix throws more big blows into Astros. Irish whip and a spinning powerslam by Phoenix puts Astros down for an early one, two, Astros gets the shoulder up.
BILL HEWSON: Well, Donovan Astros... he wants to tag with Jake Phoenix, but the feeling is not mutual!
JACK JONES: It is gold on the line, Hewson, and if you're not in this business for gold, you've no business being in this business!
Phoenix two-hand choke grabs Astros and literally manhandles Astros into the corner, where he's met with repeated punches. And they just keep COMING as Astros slumps down in the corner. Phoenix sticks a size 16 boot into Astros' throat and chokes him, one, two, three, four, Phoenix breaks. He wants the gold, baby. Martyr wants a tag in... Phoenix ignores him. He'll win this damn match on his own.
Phoenix sends Astros to the ropes, Astros grabs the top one to stop his momentum. Phoenix charges, Astros ducks under a lariat and hits the opposite ropes. He flies, cross body block...
Caught.
Phoenix flips Astros onto his shoulders for the TOMBSTONE! No, Astros wriggles out the back door! He shoves Phoenix forward into the corner, slap. Martyr slaps Phoenix on the shoulder to tag himself in. Phoenix argues with the ref, but the tag was legal. And now it's Sebastien and Astros locking up. Astros certainly the superior technical wrestler, wins the tie-up into a side-headlock. He wrenches on it. Martyr to the ropes, throws Astros off. Leapfrog Astros on a ducking Martyr. Martyr then leapfrogs Astros charging... Astros with a flying forearm knocks down Martyr! Donovan looking for the ASTROLOCK, Martyr quickly counters however, back suplex! That puts Astros down, and he quickly goes over to his corner to make a tag...
To Chris Casino.
BILL HEWSON: And this crowd's noise just increased in volume. They want to see Casino and Martyr go at it!
Casino and Martyr meet in center ring, eye to eye. And oh dear. They seem to be trash talking. No doubt Martyr resents Casino being champion while he is not. Martyr and Casino... LOCK UP! They're jockeying for position.
Jockeying...
Jockeying...
Uh, jockeying.
Hm. Still jockeying. Feel free to get a cup of coffee, microwave a burrito, they'll still be jockeying.
WAIT! Martyr takes control! He sends Casino to the ropes...
Rebound!
Rebound!
Rebound!
Uh...
Rebound?
Casino running the ropes. Again. Again. Again. And again. And... again. Martyr misses with a clothesline! Misses with a second clothesline! Misses with a uh, third clothesline. Uh-huh. Right. Casino getting some cardio-vascular work-out... oh, he's run too much! Chris Casino is visibly winded. He stops, holding his finger out to Martyr, then puts his hands on his thighs and tries to catch his breath. Martyr rolls up Chris Casino!
One!
Casino rolls up Martyr!
One!
And now...
INTO THE LOCK-UP.
BILL HEWSON: Jockeying for position...jockeying... sigh, jockeying...
JACK JONES: THEY'RE JOCKEYING FOR POSITION! JOCKEYING! JOCKEYING! OH MY GOD! WHAT A MATCH! WHAT A MAAAATCH!
Donovan Astros on the outside is saying "Come on, what the hell is this crap?" Jake Phoenix is snarling, shaking the ropes. He tries to reach out and tag Martyr on the back, not quite close enough even with those long arms. Wait a minute! Casino with an eye gouge. Martyr looks in pain... eye gouge of his own! Casino rakes the back! MARTYR rakes the back! Martyr slaps Casino! Casino slaps Martyr! And not like, stiff Japanese style. They're eye-to-eye...
And wait a minute, now what? Casino and Martyr just threw their arms around the referee... what the hell? They're doing...
A kick-line.
ROCKETTES KICK OF DOOM LINE.
And Kiebiech is forced to get into it as the crowd starts chanting the Can-Can.
JAKE PHOENIX KILLS THEM DEAD!
Well, not the referee, who ducked out of the way at the last second, but Casino and Martyr get flattened by a double clothesline from Phoenix. Phoenix hurls Martyr to their corner and slaps the back to tag in. He grabs Casino and hits a CHOKESLAM! ONE! TWO!
Astros with the save!
Phoenix looks up, shaking with rage. Astros calls for a time-out, but Phoenix won't give him that! He grabs Astros and tosses him over the top rope! Phoenix turns around
SUPERKICK BY CASINO!
Phoenix stumbles, but doesn't go down. Casino shrugs, and superkicks the point of the jaw again. Phoenix is still STANDING... but a third superkick puts the big guy down! Casino goes to the top rope... and here it is! Picture-Perfect Flying Elbow! Right to the heart! ONE! TWO! TH---
Phoenix with the kick-out!
BILL HEWSON: Three superkicks and he kicks out? Jake Phoenix is something else!
JACK JONES: Casino didn't have full mustard on those superkicks, Hewson! He's verging on exhaustion after that epic clinic with Sebastien he just put on!
Casino holds up three fingers to the referee, but Kiebiech says it was definitely only a two-count. Casino grimaces, then looks to pull Jake Phoenix up for Bankrupt. Don't bet against Phoenix's power, however. The big man is suddenly free of Casino and has him behind... German Suplex! Good Lord, Casino flips through the air and lands belly-first on the canvas. And then he tags in Donovan Astros, who has returned to the apron. Astros doesn't want back in against Jake Phoenix. He's yelling for Phoenix to tag in Sebastien Martyr before he gets in. Phoenix smirks, an ugly thing, and cracks his knuckles. Kiebiech says that Astros has to get in the ring or he'll call the match! Astros looks out at the crowd, an anxious expression on his face... and finally steps through the ropes. Phoenix lunges --- Astros ducks underneath and suddenly runs to the other side of the ring, dropkicking Martyr off the ring apron! Phoenix charges in, Astros sidesteps. Phoenix hits the turnbuckle hard, Astros leaps up on Phoenix's shoulders... WAIT A MINUTE!
He slides forward, bending Jake over! The arms! ASTROCIDE!
Astros covers on his "friend" Jake Phoenix, one, two, Martyr with the save! Martyr pounding on Donovan Astros, referee trying to throw him out. Phoenix is slowly to his feet, Casino sneaks in. POWDER in the face of Phoenix! Oh no! Martyr backs out, referee turns around, and he catches Casino looking for his own Unprettier, Bankrupt. Referee pulls Casino off, forces him back to the corner. But that means Astros can dance around Phoenix, who can't see. Phoenix swings where Astros isn't, Astros with a dropkick to the back of Phoenix. Phoenix bounces off, trying to lariat, Astros easily evades... waits for it... ASTROLABE! wait a minute! Phoenix throws Astros off! Astros again dodges a blind swing, boots Phoenix in the gut, it's going to be another Astrocide...
Jake Phoenix STANDS UP.
He has Astros on his shoulder, Astros trying to fire away. Casino runs into the ring, Phoenix big boots him down! And wait a minute! Phoenix flips Astros around... into position!
TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER!
Casino is on the outside! Phoenix covers Astros for ONE! TWO! THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here are your winners... and NEWWWW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! JAKE PHOENIX AND SEBASTIEN MARTYR!
BILL HEWSON: We have... we have new tag team champions! And that means that next week, it will be Sebastien Martyr vs Jake Phoenix, winner take all! Jack Jones, this may have completely backfired on Donovan Astros! You have to question... if Phoenix wins next week, will he even CHOOSE Astros as his tag champion partner?
JACK JONES: WHAT A MATCH! FIVE STARS! A TECHNICAL MASTERPIECE! MATCH OF THE YEAR!
BILL HEWSON: You weren't watching the same match as me, where you?
Sebastien Martyr and Chris Casino are leaving... together? Martyr with one of the tag belts. What exactly are Malicious Intent feeling? In the ring, Phoenix is standing over Astros with the tag belt, holding it above the KOed Astros. Phoenix pointing down, talking trash to Astros... what will happen next week, when this tag team title controversy ends?
JACK JONES: ... needed a pair of forceps to pull that one free.
BILL HEWSON: That's... great, Jack.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for ONE FALL and is for the NAPW CHAMPIONSHIP!
"Crimes" by the Blood Brothers and these NAPW fans turn up the heat! STATIC emerges from the curtains, decked out in a referee jersey, basking in the hatred this fired up crowd is feeding him.
FRANK WARBURTON: By order of Commissioner Terry Brandon, the Championship match will be officiated by tonight's SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE. SSSSSSSTATIC!
BILL HEWSON: What a farce. For weeks now the New Crimes have blatantly interfered in one another's business, and now they've supplied their own biased referee to tip the odds in their favour!
JACK JONES: In their favour? More like, levelled the playing field! You've seen it these past few months. You watched as Dick Kiebiech declared a draw in the first unification match. You watched what John Sharplin did last month, SCREWING the New Crimes out of the Tag Team Titles! The officials of the NAPW have their own agenda, Bill Hewson. At least Static will call things straight.
BILL HEWSON: Static is a manic fire-ant of hate, Jack Jones. I don't think he has the capacity to call this match straight.
Static enters the ring, climbs a turnbuckle, and happily informs them that he does, indeed, have voodoo, and more importantly, that they can suck it. At around that same time, Ozzy Osbourne cuts in with "The Almighty Dollar", and the fans continue to boo - though possibly a little less hatefully - as the challeger emerges from the curtains.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, the challenger! From Seattle, Washington; and weighing in at TWO HUNDRED and THIRTY FIVE pounds. He is the man, called, CAAAA$HHHHHH!
JACK JONES: And there he is, Bill Hewson. The man who, after tonight, will be the FACE of the NAPW. The new NAPW Champion!
BILL HEWSON: I think you're counting your chickens before they hatch, Jack Attack. He still has to BEAT the current NAPW Champion. And I have a feeling that Ravager isn't just going to go down easy.
CA$H hits the ring, pulls off his hoodie, and chucks it into the crowd... who promptly chuck it back. Static and Ca$h both angrily confront that side of the audience, shouting unpleasant family related obscenities at them. But they only have the chance to do it for a few moments.
"Path." And the crowd goes wild. Ravager steps out of the curtain, NAPW Title around his waist, and gares into the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, hailing from Brooklyn, New York; and weighing in at TWO HUNDRED and TEN pounds. He is the SHOOTER. The WHITE COLLAR ASSASSIN. And the NAPW CHAMPIOOOOON! He. Is. RAAAAVAAAGEERRRRR!
BILL HEWSON: The two-time NAPW Champion! The man with the LONGEST title reign, and SEVEN successful title defences! This is the man that Ca$h expects to CAKEWALK tonight.
JACK JONES: Well, last month's Tag Title decision proved once and for all what x-factor was helping Ravager overcome the odds time and again. Biased officiating, Bill Hewson! But leave it to our owner, REX CALIBER, to put them on notice, and give them an opportunity to see someone FAIR call a match!
BILL HEWSON: Are you hearing the words that come out of your mouth?
Ravager still stands at the entrance. Ca$h stands in the middle of the ring, just glaring back up at him, a slight smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. Static has retreated to a corner, where he smugly hangs on the ropes. As Frank Warburton steps out of the ring, the crowd picks up a chant.
"RA-VA-GER! RA-VA-GER! RA-VA-GER!"
BILL HEWSON: Listen to that crowd! Ravager hasn't even made his way to the ring, and already they're chanting his name!
Ravager pulls off the title belt and holds it high, and Ca$h's hungry eyes move away from his opponent and fixate on it. There's no doubt what's on his mind right now. Ravager begins walking to the ring. He hands off the belt to the time keeper on his way by, and rolls into the ring... and Ca$h lays the boots on him to a chorus of boos as Static calls for the bell!
Ravager rolls away from Ca$h's early assault, and gets to his feet, the challenger right on his tail. Ca$h pursues him to the corner, where Ravager lashes out with a LOUD, stiff chop that sends Ca$h reeling! Static warns Ravager about the closed fist. Ravager rolls his eyes, but now he's on the offencive. He throws out another hard chop, the front row "WOOO"-ing along with it, and Ca$h winces, his chest already starting to turn red. Ravager goes to unleash a third of his sick, stiff chops, but Ca$h blocks it, and unloads one of his own! Ravager's the once wincing now, and the "WOOO"s have become "BOOO"s. Ca$h, smirking, throws a second audible chop. BOOO! And then Ravager throws one back! WOOO! Ca$h! BOOO! Ravager! WOOO! BOOO! WOOO! BOOO! WOOO! BOOO! WOOO! Both men's chests are just red welts now, Ravager's even may be bleeding a little... but they just keep on chopping one another! BOOO! WOOO! BOOO! BOOO! And as Ca$h goes to throw out his third stiff chop in a row, Ravager blocks it, trapping the arm! Ca$h tries to struggle, throws out his other arm for a punch, but Ravager traps that too! Ca$h shakes his head "no"! Headbutt! The challenger staggers, trapped in Ravager's grasp! Headbutt! Good Lord you could HEAR that connect! And then the crowd boos as Static pulls the two men apart, ordering Ravager to "Play clean!"
BILL HEWSON: How was he playing dirty!?
JACK JONES: Are you in the ring? Do you see what Acting Senior Referee Static sees? No!
Ravager scowls at Static, but releases Ca$h who staggers backward. The Champion, keeping on the attack, lunges after him... but Ca$h still has enough sense to sidestep... Rollup! Handful of tights! ONETWOTHRKICKOUT!
JACK JONES: And just like that we almost had a new Champion, Bill Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: What a FAST COUNT! And PULLING THE TIGHTS! I can't believe Ravager managed to kick out! Is this FAIR officiating, Jack Attack?
JACK JONES: Static's hand slipped, Bill Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: You really are naive.
Ca$h looks a little disappointed as the fans BOO Static mercilessly. Ravager, who's currently showing a little more back than normal, adjusts his tights, and shoots a VERY dangerous glare at Static, but he really doesn't get a chance to do anything else because the challenger is right there on the assault! Ca$h with a running short-arm clothesline, and Ravager crashes to the canvas. The Champion tries to scramble back to his feet, but Ca$h hits the ropes and throws out a running dropkick right into the back of Ravager's head! Ravager pitches forward, and Ca$h scrambles up, grabbing the Champion by the leg, trying to get the single leg crab locked in but Ravager reaches out and catches a rope! Static, surprisingly, calls Ca$h off, then nods over toward Frank Warburton.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ravager has used his FIRST rope break.
And suddenly it's like the rug was pulled out from under this match. The NAPW crowd seems to be just as shocked Ravager is. Ca$h is smirking again, waiting for the incredulous Ravager to let go of the bottom rope. Static is cackling madly.
BILL HEWSON: What the hell? This is a PURE HONOUR MATCH all of a sudden!?
JACK JONES: It always WAS a Pure Honour Match, Bill Hewson.
BILL HEWSON: It's true that the Unified NAPW Championship CAN be defended under Pure Honour Rules... but it's Champion's privilege! HE gets to decide! Static's just changing the rules as he goes along!
JACK JONES: It isn't Static's fault if Ravager didn't bother to ask what the rules were before the match. But he'd better wise up, or he's going to lose this match... and the NAPW Title.
Ravager composes himself surprisingly well, climbs to his feet, and with a "Fine. Let's do this." motions for Ca$h to bring it. The crowd cheers as Ca$h and Ravager lock up, collar and elbow near the middle of the ring! The two men begin jockeying for position. Ca$h, with the twenty pound advantage, manages to ground the Champion, but Ravager locks his legs over Ca$h's arm, and starts trying to get a hold on his head, attempting to pull him down. Ca$h attempts to roll through and pin Ravager, but the Champion lets go, and both men scramble to their feet. Ravager is a hair faster this time. He locks up with Ca$h from behind, but Ca$h manages to lock his leg around Ravager's, and throws an elbow that momentarily stuns the Champ. He breaks the waistlock, spins, and locks in a front facelock. Ravager goes to instinctively grab the ropes... but then apparently thinks twice. Instead, he drives a forearm into Ca$h's abdomen. Ca$h, winded, loosens his hold, and Ravager pulls free, grabbing an arm as he does so, and twisting it into an armbar. Ca$h winces, trying to manoeuvre himself into a position where he can reverse the pressure, but Ravager twists the arm into a hammerlock - a basic but debilitating hold, especially to a man who nearly retired from an arm related injury. Ca$h grits his teeth, tries to struggle against it, staggers forward, and has no choice but to grab the ropes.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ca$h has used his FIRST rope break.
Ravager, perhaps a little smugly, gives the clean break while the crowd applauds. Ca$h rubs his shoulder, his smirk is gone. The two tie back up in the middle of the ring, and again it's Ca$h's larger size that gives him the advantage. He drives Ravager to his knees, and reapplies his front facelock. Before Ravager can try and escape this time, Ca$h goes for what appears to be a snap suplex... but Ravager manages to block it, locking his leg up with Ca$h's. Ca$h tries a second time, but to no avail. Ravager manges to pull himself free of the front facelock, and again tries to grab at an arm, but this time Ca$h is expecting it. He sidesteps, hooks up... Gutwrench Suplex! And Ca$h slides into a pin! ONETWOTHRKICKOUT!
BILL HEWSON: AGAIN with the fast count, and AGAIN Ravager saves his Championship by a split second!
JACK JONES: I told you, Static's hand just keeps slipping. He's giving Ravager every fair chance he deserves and... wait what's THIS now!?
Ravager is climbing to his feet, glaring at Static, but Static's attention has shifted to the entry way. The fans explode...
Because BRUCE "The Beast" RICHARDS is coming down to ringside.
JACK JONES: Get him out of here! What the hell does he think he's doing!?
BILL HEWSON: It looks like he's grabbing a headset.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Bill. Jack. How're things?
The Beast sits down at the announce table, nodding briefly to the fans who're still cheering him. Static angrily shouts something down at him, pointing toward the entrance, but Richards smirks and gestures around him.
BRUCE RICHARDS: What? I'm just helping call the match. You should be paying attention to what's going on in the ring.
Static scowls and goes to return to the action.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Oh... and Static... I'M paying attention to what's going on in the ring.
The fans behind him "Ooooooh!" that and Static's eyes flash. Behind the distracted acting official, Ravager seems to be taking control of the match. He throws out a pair of those wicked stiff chops, and a hard toe kick that doubles over the challenger. Ravager locks up... DDT! Ca$h actually upends, landing on his back. Ravager covers up, and shouts at Static, who hesitates... but a quick glance back at Richards sends him down to the mat. One! Kickout at one. Ravager continues his assault, mercilessly pulling his opponent to his feet, and hooking up for... the Northern Lights Suplex! And the bridge! One! Two! KICK-OUT...
RAVAGER LOCKS ON KATA-HAJIME! CA$H FRANTICALLY TO THE ROPES!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ca$h has used his SECOND rope break!
BILL HEWSON: Ca$h needs to be careful now. By the Pure Honour rulebook, he's only got one more rope break. Then again, Static doesn't understand what "honour" is, so I somehow doubt it'll matter.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Oh, it matters.
JACK JONES: What gives, anyway! You HATE Ravager, Richards! Why are you out here watching his back!?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Something you wouldn't understand, Jack Attack. I don't LIKE Bob. But I'll be damned if he hasn't earned my respect. He deserves better than to be screwed out of the NAPW Championship.
Ca$h scrambles to his feet, but Ravager is still on the offencive! He locks up with Ca$h, driving him into the corner. Static calls for the clean break, and Ravager obliges, only to have the challenger kick him in the midsection! The crowd boos as Ravager staggers back, and Ca$h advances, locks up... Slingshot... SUPLEX! Ravager crashes to the ring hard on his back, and thrashes for a moment, while Ca$h scrambles up and hits the corner turnbuckle! He's GOING UPSTAIRS! It's... a FLYING ELBOW DROP!
And GODDMAN but it CONNECTS! This could be it right here! Ca$h with the pin!
ONE!
TWO!
FOOT ON THE ROPES!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ravager has used his SECOND rope break!
JACK JONES: And once again Ravager JUST manages to stay in the match! Ca$h is DOMINATING the Champion. But more importantly, Ravager has only one rope break left!
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'll hand it to Ca$h. He's a hell of a competitor. But he needs to stay on the attack, or Bob'll regain control, and his chances of picking up his first title will disappear.
That's just what seems to be on the challenger's mind. He grabs Ravager's leg off the ropes, and pulls him around toward the centre of the ring. Ravager struggles, but it looks like that elbow drop took a lot out of him. Ca$h fends off a few kicks, then starts trying to turn the Champion over! Ravager continues to fight it... but Ca$h manages to turn him over... and lock in the Single Leg Crab! Ravager angrily howls, and clutches at his hair, while Ca$h screams at him to "TAP!" Static is right down in his face... also screaming "TAP!" Huh. Ravager glares right into Static's eyes, and starts crawling toward the ropes. The crowd starts clapping, trying to rally the NAPW Champion!
"RA-VA-GER! RA-VA-GER!"
Ravager is INCHES from the ropes. He's biting his knuckles, trying to choke back the pain. Ca$h just cranks back on the hold harder! He's trying to break Ravager IN HALF! Static is still shouting "TAP! TAP YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
So close to the ropes.
Ravager reaches out... his fingers brush the bottom rope.
"RA-VA-GER! RA-VA-GER!"
The Champion just can't make it! He raises his hand...
And catches the bottom rope!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ravager has used his THIRD and FINAL rope break!
JACK JONES: This is it, boys! Ravager is spent! He's out of rope breaks! And he's up against a man who is a SUBMISSION MASTER!
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'll hand it to Static. He seems to be calling things fair now.
BILL HEWSON: I honestly think it has to do with your presence at ringside, Bruce.
Static may be calling things fair, but he also looks twitchy. He shoots another crazed look to the Beast at ringside, and then calls for the break. Ca$h doesn't push his luck and releases the hold. Ravager clutches at his back and starts trying to climb to his feet using the ropes, but Ca$h steps back and hits a chop block that upends the Champion and puts him back on the ground. Ca$h now, still on the offencive, takes hold of Ravager's legs again and HAULS him to the middle of the ring. Ravager tries to roll away, but Ca$h refuses to let go, steps over one of Ravager's legs...
FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK!
And, finally, Ravager has no where left to run.
Ravager flails, clutching at his hair, reaching out towards Ca$h with venom in his eyes. Ca$h laughs, and Static is once again in Ravager's face, screaming at him to "TAP OUT! FOR GOD'S SAKE TAP!" Again, the screaming NAPW fans are on their feet!
"PLEASE DON'T TAP! PLEASE DON'T TAP!"
Ravager is again biting his knuckles, as Ca$h falls backwards again and again, putting more and more pressure on the hold! Ravager raises a fist, trying to feed off the crowd who are desperately trying to rally him!
But it's too much, and there's no escape. His fist slowly opens into a hand...
And Ravager, the two-time NAPW Champion...
The man who Unified the NAPW Title and the Pure Honour Title...
The man who has had seven successful title defences and the longest NAPW Title reign in the promotion's history...
Reverses the hold.
BILL HEWSON: HOLY HELL! THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHY RAVAGER IS THE CHAMP!
Ca$h HOWLS in agony, all that pressure he was putting on the hold now reversed onto him! Static is literally flailing around the ring in rage! Ravager has a grim, satisfied look on his face. Ca$h reaches out and catches the bottom rope!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ca$h has used his THIRD and FINAL rope break!
Static practically HURLS Ravager off of the challenger. Both men lie collapsed in the ring. Ravager tries to stand, but his legs just give right out. Ca$h continues to hang off the bottom rope. Static shoots a baleful look at Bruce Richards, then starts counting. One! Two! Three! Four! Ravager and Ca$h both start to rise. Five! Six! They both take to their feet, legs shaky. Ca$h is the better off of the pair and immediately goes low, trying to take advantage of Ravager's weakened legs... but even if they're weak, they work. Ravager nearly kicks Ca$h's head into the rafters! Both men topple back to the canvas with a crash. Ca$h twitches, and Static looks to start his count again, but Ravager pulls himself to his feet...
THUMB ACROSS THE THROAT!
The NAPW fans explode as Ravager heads up-stairs! He signals for the flying headbutt! Static begs him off, shaking his head "NO!"
FLYING HEADBUTT!
CONNECTS!
And Ravager, triumphant, pulls up a leg on his prone opponent!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Count you son of a bitch!
Static with the count!
THIS IS IT!
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
BILL HEWSON: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
BRUCE RICAHRDS: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
JACK JONES: I BELIEVE! I BELIEVE!
Ravager looks stunned! He hooks the leg again! Static counts again! One! Two! Kickout again! The NAPW fans are in a frenzy! Ravager shakily retakes his feet, glaring down at the fallen challenger... and once again... THUMB ACROSS THE THROAT!
BILL HEWSON: Insanity! Ravager's going to do ANOTHER Flying Headbutt!?
Indeed he is, Bill Hewson. Ravager starts climbing back up the ropes...
And Static dropkicks the Champion right in the spine!
The fans BOO mercilessly as the White Collar Assassin topples from the ropes to land with a crash near the still-prone Ca$h. Static starts stomping away at him, shouting a long string of obscenities that ends in "SUCK! MY! VOODOO! BOB!"
BILL HEWSON: NO! NO! NOT LIKE THIS!
BRUCE RICHARDS: THAT SON OF A --
Richards throws down his headset in a rage. Static, meanwhile, rushes over and LEAPS up to the top rope, then he points down at Ravager!
MOMENT!
OF!
CAUGHT IN MIDAIR!
CHART ATTACK!
OVER THE TOP ROPE!
BILL HEWSON: HOLY HELL! Static may be DEAD!
JACK JONES: What the hell did Richards just DO!? There's no REFEREE!
The fans are going bananas as Ravager slowly begins retaking his feet. Ca$h, too, seems to finally be stirring. Bruce "the Beast" Richards glares down at the KO'd "official", then over to the two men starting to rise to their feet.
And then he pulls off his "Never Trust the Beast" T-Shirt, and reveals the striped zebra shirt underneath.
JACK JONES: NO! Talk about SCREW-JOBS!
BILL HEWSON: Yeah, Static sure did just try to perpetrate one! But now it looks like the tables have turned!
Ravager has retaken his feet, and shoots a quick glance to Richards that speaks volumes.
CA$H FROM BEHIND!
DRAGON SUPLEX! LAST RESORT, BABY!
Ravager crashes to the ring, and ladies and gentlemen, THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE!
Bruce Richards counts it clean!
ONE!
TWO!
CA$H WITH THE UPSET!
THKICKOUT!
Kickout!?
YES KICKOUT! RAVAGER IS STILL ALIVE, and the NAPW FANS HAVE BLOWN OFF THE ROOF!
Ca$h looks shaken. He argues that it was three, but the Beast assures him, no, it was two. Ca$h pins again. One! Two! Again, kickout at two. Ca$h angrily pins a THIRD time, but this time Ravager actually kicks out at one. Ca$h, eyes wild, pulls Ravager to his feet and loudly declares "This is it! Time to bring home the GOLD!" He hooks up for the MIDAS TOUCH! Ravager goes up in the vertical suplex...
And somehow twists free and lands on his feet!
Ca$h turns, eyes bugging out as Ravager hits the ropes! The Champion with a lariat...
And Ca$h ducks aside, catches Ravager from behind for a German Suplex...
But Ravager with the standing switch... and he hooks up for the LAST RESORT...
But Ca$h fights it! Fights it! FIGHTS IT!
KATAHAJIME!
No more rope-breaks. No more Static. But I'll be damned, Ca$h, somehow, doesn't tap out.
He blacks out. The Beast calls for the bell.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner... and STILL NAPW CHAMPION... RAAAAVAAAAAAGEEEEEEEER!
BILL HEWSON: HE DID IT! HE DID IT! RAVAGER RETAINS!
JACK JONES: What a FARCE! A FARCE, I SAY!
The NAPW fans EXPLODE! It's DEAFENING! Ravager lets go of the limp Ca$h, and Bruce Richards helps him to his feet, and hands him the NAPW Title. Ravager accepts it, and then extends a hand to the Beast. Richards doesn't even hesitate. He accepts the handshake, nods, and raises Ravager's arm in victory.
"EVEN MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN."
JACK JONES: Finally, someone who can straighten this issue out!
And all of that good will. All of that love and emotion. It all turns instantly to hate and bile. The owner of the NAPW, REX CALIBER, steps out from the curtains, microphone in hand. He's red-faced, and almost shaking with rage.
REX CALIBER: Ravager! Richards! You sons of who-- YOU SHUT THE HELL UP WHEN I'M TALKING, DAMN IT! I'M BETTER THAN ANY (BLEEP) ONE OF YOU! I RUN THIS COMPANY, I'M A (BLEEP) CHAMPION, AND YOU'LL SHOW ME RESPECT!
"ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!"
REX CALIBER: Screw, each and everyone of you!
"ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!"
REX CALIBER: Ravager! Richards! Now I'm a SMART businessman. It's true that you two are my biggest draws!
The fans cheer! "RA-VA-GER! BRUCE-THE-BEAST! RA-VA-GER! BRUCE-THE-BEAST!"
REX CALIBER: And it's also true that I LOVE screwing with your lives week after week!
BOOO!
REX CALIBER: But although I might need YOU... I don't need YOU BOTH. And I'm SICK AND TIRED of you two SCREWING WITH ME AND MY CRIMES! Look what you did to poor Static! He was just trying to CALL THE DAMN MATCH!
Static is coming too, and trying to pull the groggy Ca$h out of the ring. Ca$h is asking what's going on.
REX CALIBER: It's the LAST STRAW! You've gone TOO FAR! And it's time to END IT! Once and FOR ALL! I'm a smart enough business man to know that to conquer... YOU DIVIDE. So enjoy your little moment of unity up there... it's your LAST.
There are murmurs from the crowd.
BILL HEWSON: What's he talking about?
REX CALIBER: Bruce! You wanted an NAPW Title shot? You wanted to be the NUMBER ONE CONTENDER!? YOU'VE GOT IT! NEXT WEEK! BRUCE "THE BEAST" RICHARDS VERSUS RAVAGER, FOR THE NAPW CHAMPIONSHIP!
The NAPW fans EXPLODE!
BILL HEWSON: HOLY HELL! What an announcement! Richards versus Ravager... NEXT WEEK!
JACK JONES: You've got to hand it to Rex Caliber! The man knows how to book 'em!
Ravager and the Beast exchange a wary glance.
REX CALIBER: But there's ONE CATCH. One of you will be the NAPW Champion. But the other one... IS FIRED! YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! Whichever one of you loses, is OUT OF THE NAPW! FOR! EVER!
BILL HEWSON: Oh my GOD!
JACK JONES: Talk about a DO or DIE situation! One of those two men, after next week, will NEVER WRESTLE in an NAPW match EVER AGAIN!
Ravager and Richards both glare up at Caliber as the fans return to chanting "ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!" Rex smugly drops the microphone, and helps Static and Ca$h as they join him up at the entrance. "Here Comes the Champ" begins to play as the New Crimes rally. The three of them raise their arms - Static and Ca$h painfully so - and Rex shouts "You've messed with the Crimes for the LAST TIME."
BILL HEWSON: What a victory tonight for Ravager... but what a twist! Next week... Jack Attack, next week we're going to see the FINAL NAPW MATCH of either Ravager... or Bruce "the Beast" Richards!
JACK JONES: And don't let the door hit you on the way out, I say! You cross the boss, you pay the price!
Even in defeat, somehow all three Crimes look like winners. Static. Ca$h. Rex Caliber. It's been a long night, but in the end, they're still on top - will ALWAYS be on top. And in the ring, it looks like Ravager and the Beast are coming to realize that.
Next week, one of them will win or retain the title, but will lose a potential ally. And the other loses his job, permanently.
Really, there can only be one true winner.
And his name is Rex Caliber. And he knows it.
We're out.