West Edmonton Mall. The third-biggest mall in the world, one time the biggest mall in the world --- and possessed of more submarines than the Canadian Navy. Over 42 square city blocks with parking for 20,000 cars (the largest parking lot in the world, kids!), a waterpark, amusement park, bowling alley and THREE OF EVERY STORE, hot dammit.
And tonight, for the first time ever, pro wrestling comes to WEM!
The NAPW faithful have made their way to the HMV stage area, where the NAPW ring is set up, hanging over the guardrails and making sure they get prime viewing. Loads of curious mall-goers have stopped nearby, chattering about the curiousity they see. Fans are watching on from the second floor. It's a bizarre atmosphere for wrestling, in a wide-open echo-ey mall, but there is a buzzing excitement that rises even more so when Frank Warburton gets on the microphone.
FRANK WARBURTON: West Edmonton Mall, are you ready for the best Pro Wrestling in Alberta?
Hardcore fans cheer, other folks applaud politely, but it's definitely a rowdy bunch of fans!
FRANK WARBURTON: It is time to begin... BRAWL FROM A MALL! This opening match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the NAPW Tag Team Championship!
"Party Hard" by Andrew WK hits the speakers and the crowd gives a great reaction from the crowd.
FRANK WARBURTON: Coming to the ring first, They weigh in at a combined four-hundred and forty pounds, Mystic Ninja & The Expositioner... Mystic Exposition!!!
The duo make their way to the ring, a confident look on their faces. The camera pans over and we see a fan holding a sign that reads "Deathrow stole my car!"
FRANK WARBURTON: And introducing the current NAPW Tag Team Champions...
"Surprise! You're Dead" by Faith No More hits the speakers and the crowd pops for the tag champs.
FRANK WARBURTON: Coming to the ring first, he weighs in at two-hundred and eighty-nine pounds and hails from Fort Lauderdale, Florida... "The Murder City Devil" Jake Phoenix!!!
Phoenix comes out from the back, title belt around his waist and an evil grin on his mug. He stops at ringside and looks at his two challengers standing inside the ring.
"We Fall, We Fall" by Dead Celebrity Status blasts through the sound system and the crowd goes wild for maybe the most unstable man in NAPW.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his partner, he weighs in at two-hundred and fifty-four pounds and hails from St. Paul Minnesota..."Superstar" Tommy Deathrow!!!
Deathrow charges out from the back, championship belt clutched in his right hand. Deathrow drops the belt on the floor, shoves his partner aside and slides into the ring. Mystic Exposition are on him in a heartbeat but "Superstar" is keeping them at bay with wild lefts and rights! Phoenix quickly rolls into the ring and the referee calls for the bell and gets the hell out of the way.
BILL HEWSON: Deathrow doesn't work by the hour, he's looking to inflict pain and misery on these men. Not just the regular kind... how angry must Tommy be after BILLY KRYENIK turned on him last week?
JACK JONES: Why doesn't the referee clear the ring?
BILL HEWSON: Superstar rules buddy!
JACK JONES: (muttering) I hate Superstar Rules.
Mystic Exposition probably feels the same way as it looks like they're getting mugged in the ring. Deathrow has Mystic Ninja trapped in a corner and is throwing bombs at the mans head as he tries to cover up. On the other side of the ring, Phoenix has The Expositioner trapped against the turnbuckles and is lighting him up with chops to the chest. Phoenix looks over his shoulder, shouts something to Deathrow and then pulls Expositioner from the corner. Deathrow pulls Mystic Ninja away from the turnbuckle as well and each member of the Tag Team Champions Irish whip their challengers to the middle of the ring! Instead of colliding, the team of Mystic Exposition hook each others arms, spin each other around and charge at the champions. The Expositioner takes a boot to the gut from Deathrow. Dominator! Expositioner rolls to the outside. Mystic Ninja tries a roaring elbow but it's blocked. Chokeslam from Phoenix onto the ninja! Deathrow rolls to the outside and clubs Exposition with a shot across the back as inside the ring Phoenix is pulling Mystic Ninja back to his feet.
BILL HEWSON: The team of Mystic Exposition are having a tough time getting out of the starting gate on this one. Deathrow & Phoenix are just an elemental force!
JACK JONES: What do you expect? The Champions have an unfair advantage with their stupid Superstar Rules!
On the outside Deathrow goes to whip Expositioner into the guard railing but it's reversed at the last second! Deathrow hits the guard rails hard and Expositioner takes him over into the front row with a clothesline! Inside the ring Phoenix shoots Mystic Ninja into the ropes and punishes him with a snap powerslam! Phoenix goes for a cover but it's broken up by Expositioner. Phoenix takes an elbow to the back of the head and then gets driven to the mat with a swinging neckbreaker. Mystic Ninja is getting to his feet and gestures to his partner. They pull Phoenix to his feet and whip him into the ropes. Expositioner drops his head and Phoenix easily leap frogs him and runs right into a reverse heel kick from Mystic Ninja! On the outside Deathrow has grabbed a chair from one fan and a beer from another. He climbs over the railing and stops. It's as if he's watching the mayhem inside the ring. Expositioner hits a corkscrew elbow off the ropes and it's followed up by Mystic Ninjas Shuriken Press! What the Hell? Deathrow is now sitting in his stolen chair on the outside drinking the from the cup of beer!
BILL HEWON: It's true that there is no love lost between Deathrow and Phoenix but this is a little odd. Even for Deathrow.
JACK JONES: Maybe he just knows that Mystic Exposition are to much for him.
BILL HEWSON: Yeah...I'm sure that's it Jack.
Mystic Ninja and The Expositioner each go to opposite turnbuckles and start to climb their way to the top. It's obvious that they're getting ready to hit their X-Terminator on Phoenix! Suddenly Deathrow decides that break time is over and gets up from his chair. He tosses the beer aside, picks up the chair and simply flings it at Mystic Ninja! The chair cracks him across the hip and it causes the ninja to lose his balance and drop throat first onto the ring ropes! The Expositioner takes flight! Phoenix gets popped with the missile dropkick and The Expositioner goes for a cover.
One!
Two!
Expositioner is pulled out of the ring by Deathrow! Expositioner is whipped into the ring steps laying him out. Mystic Ninja has rolled back into the ring and is getting to his feet when he takes a big boot from Phoenix! Deathrow is in the ring now...And he has a chair. Deathrow pulls Mystic Ninja to his feet and smashes him across the skull with the chair! The Expositioner is pulling himself into the ring and Phoenix simply plants a kick to his face that sends him sprawling back to the outside. Meanwhile, Deathrow has set up the chair in the ring and placed Mystic Ninja in a seated position on it. Deathrow hits the ropes then does his best to decapitate the ninja with a clothesline! Both Mystic Ninja and the chair go flying across the ring! Deathrow covers, one, two... Ninja kicks out somehow! Ninja is pulled up and gets hoisted up onto the shoulder of Phoenix. Tombstone Piledriver! EXPOSITIONER FOR THE SAVE --- stopped by Deathrow! DEATHROW DRIVER on the chair! Oh my! Tommy pins Expositioner, referee counts both falls ONE, TWO, THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winners of this match, and still NAPW Tag Team Champions...Tommy Deathrow and Jake Phoenix!!!
BILL HEWSON: The Champs retain in a wild match! Mystic Exposition earned this match by going on a tag team winning streak, but tonight... against Phoenix and Deathrow... Jack Attack, it wasn't a wrestling match, it was a massacre!
JACK JONES: Well of COURSE it wasn't a wrestling match with these stupid Superstar rules! What genius let STD write them into his contract? I mean, outsmarted by Tommy Deathrow? What the hell?
The fans go wild as Deathrow snatches the belts from the referee. He pretty much hits Phoenix in the gut with one of them, and then leaves the ring. Jake looks surly, but hey, he's a tag champion dammit. He leaves too, as Mystic Exposition stir... piledrivers aren't fun. Seriously.
BILL HEWSON: I take nothing away from Mystic Exposition's run so far in NAPW, but they weren't prepared for "the sickest son of a bitch in NAPW" and "The Murder City Devil..." though how do you prepare for a team like these two? The unlikely tag champs retain their belts, will the other champions do the same tonight?
JACK JONES: Then the girl told me that she was lesbian and not interested.
BILL HEWSON: Must have been a heartbreaker, you got to finally meet Ellen Degeneres, and she turned you down.
JACK JONES: And of all the things she could have come up with, she says she's gay? That's a lie if ever I heard one!
Lynyrd Skynyrd plays and the West Edmonton Mall crowd starts booing the very opportunistic Jeff Garvin. The lovely Julie Malone-Garvin accompanies him to the ring. He has a cocky swagger about him, as the crowd boos him very loudly. He enters the ring and Frank Warburton takes over.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first... he is accompanied to the ring by Julie Malone Garvin. He weighed in at two hundred forty two and one half pounds. He is wrestling out of Memphis Tennessee. He is THE ORIGINAL... JEFF GARVIN!!
SCREAM by GLAYxEXILE cranks up and Vincent Yun Chang comes out. He receives a chorus of boos as well. He is unstartled and enters the ring. He gets in the face of Morgan Smythe who tells him to back up.
FRANK WARBURTON: His opponent, weighing in at two hundred pounds even. He is wrestling out of St. Petersburg, Florida. He is VINCENT... YUN CHANG!!!
The bell sounds and the match is underway. Th two men circle each other. They engage in a collar and elbow tie up. Jeff Garvin uses his forty pound weight advantage to push Yun Chang into the corner. Garvin backs up and then chops the chest of Vincent very hard. Garvin whips him into the opposite corner. He charges in with a clothesline, and nails it. Vince staggers out of the corner, as Jeff Garvin gets on the second turnbuckle. He jumps off and bulldogs Vincent down. A quick cover and a quick kickout. Jeff Garvin picks up Vincent Yun Chang and Vincent unloads with a devastating right hand. Vincent follows it up with a jumping DDT. He goes for a cover, and Jeff Garvin kicks out at two. Vincent gets up quickly and waits for Jeff to rise. Jeff does just that, and Chang flies up with SHINING BLACK! But Garvin avoids it. He bounces off the ropes and hits Chang in the chin with a Milliondollar Style Knee lift. Vincent Yun Chang staggers into the ropes. Jeff Garvin runs at him with a clothesline, but is back body dropped over the top rope.
Jeff Garvin holds his back as the crowd is cheering every move, as they hate both men, and any damage is good damage. Vincent Yun Chang to the top rope... UCHUJIN QUEBRADA ON JEFF GARVIN! Morgan Smythe begins her count of ten as the crowd rumbles a "HOLY SHIT CHANT!" One... two... three. Garvin is picked up by his brown locks. The count is at five and Vincent Yun Chang throws Jeff Garvin into the ring. Julie is cheering her man on, hoping he can recover. Vincent with the cover... One! Two! Too close to the ropes! Chang turns Garvin over and makes a play for his arm. He must be looking for the BEST DAMN ARMBAR IN THE BUSINESS!
JACK JONES: Once Chang's got that armbar on, that's all she wrote, boys!
BILL HEWSON: After last week's supershow, Vincent Yun Chung has something to prove against Jeff Garvin.
Chung locks it in! Momentarily, anyway... Garvin gets the ropes, and Yun Chang breaks at Morgan's count of four! Vince gets up and kicks the hell out of the back of Garvin's head. Tajiri is grinning somewhere from that kick! Garvin gets up, holding his head. Vincent Yun Chang measures him up and... SHINING BLACK! Garvin is back down. Vincent stands Jeff back up, and leaps onto the top turnbuckle. He walks the rope and it's TIGHTROPE ENZUGI- NO Jeff Garvin falls into the ropes. Chang falls inside the ring and lands on his head.
Garvin is trying to get his thoughts together, as Julie yells for him to finish Chang. Garvin goes over to Chang and starts knee after knee to the back of Chang's head. The crowd boos as he is unmerciful. Garvin picks him up and knees him in the stomach. He gets him into the powerbomb position and executes a beautiful WILD BOMB! One! Two! Vincent Yun Chang kicks out somehow. Jeff Garvin looks very frustrated. He picks up Chang and PENDULUM BACKBREAKER! Another cover attempt.. another two count. Garvin picks him up once again, and has him in the powerbomb/piledriver position. Garvin jaws to the crowd, and Vincent wiggles out. Yun Chang with a thumb to the eye. He kicks Garvin in the stomach and he nails him with a Jumping Piledriver of his own!
JACK JONES: That's it! I'm calling it here! The time is 8:32, and Jeff Garvin is dead as a doornail!
He covers and One! TWO! THR-- Foot on the rope!
JACK JONES: Oops. Spoke too soon.
Garvin is still down. Vincent Yun Chang covers again, hooking both legs. He puts his feet on the rope too, and Morgan Smythe stops the count. Vince starts choking Jeff Garvin. She counts to four and he stops, then starts again. He stops at four once more, then picks Jeff up by his hair. MEANTIME SUPLEX! Garvin rolls to the outside,lays on the floor and Julie tends to him. Chang goes up top, and FROG SPLASH! THAT MISSES! Morgan starts her count. One... Two... Three... Garvin gets up woozily. Four... Five... He rolls into the ring. Six... Chang is trying to get to his feet. Seven... Eight... He gets to the ring apron. Nine... The match continues.
BILL HEWSON: Neither man wants to lose by countout here! This is quite the grudge match we're witnessing, and I'm sure it's going to end only by pinfall or submission! The egos on these men would not allow it any other way!
Garvin is to his feet. Chang finally gets up and they have been going high impact all match long. They charge at each other and double clothesline. Both down again and the count starts one more time. One.. Two... Three.. Four.. Garvin rolls over and gets his arm over Chang. ONE! TWO! Shoulder up! Garvin gets to his feet. Chang rises slowly too. Chang receives a boot to the gut. Garvin signals for the Memphis Death Certificate! Chang doesn't let him get in position. Chang tries to kick Garvin and gets his foot caught. Garvin spends him around, boots Chang in the stomach and MEMPHIS DEATH CERTIFICATE! One... Two... Three!
FRANK WARBURTON: WINNER OF THE MATCH.... THE ORIGINAL JEFF GARVIN!
BILL HEWSON: For the second week in a row, Jeff Garvin has triumphed with his Memphis Death Certificate!
JACK JONES: That jumping piledriver of his is pretty lethal, Hewson! Once he hits it? It's lights out for his opponent! Simply Beautiful found that out last week in Raleigh, and Vincent Yun Chang was just schooled here in West Edmonton Mall!
The lights of the West Edmonton Mall dim as "When The Lights Go Out" by The Black Keys begins to plare over the PA system. The gathering of NAPW faithful begin to boo as NAPW Grand Slam winner, "LDK" Lloyd Rees, makes his way to the ring led by his manager, John Salty. Rees grips the REBEL Pro Number One Contenders Throphy like a man obsessed.
BILL HEWSON: This man makes me sick! After what he did to Chris Casino last week, Rees should be suspended!
JACK JONES: You're a Chris Casino fan now?!
BILL HEWSON: No, Jack, but Casino is a human being and he did not deserve the beating he recieved from Rees and the rest of The Crimes. In front of his wife's eyes, while Caliber held her? I mean come on!
JACK JONES: Well, maybe Lloyd is coming out here to apologize for his actions...
BILL HEWSON: That will be the day...
Rees and Salty enter the ring as the boos continue. John has a microphone in his hands and waste no time to address the crowd.
JOHN SALTY: Alright now is da time t'keep yer opinions t'yerself. Cause t'tell ya da truth...we don't give a sweet f**k what we ungrathful pieces of crap tink about me, about Da Crimes, or about da best wrassler dis business has ever seen, "LDK". So, keep yer mouths shut if ya can manage t'stop stuff'n d'hem with da garbage food d'hat makes you so fat and listen t'da words of da only true Grand Slam Winner in NAPW history, me number one man, "LDK" Lloyd Rees!!
Salty hands the microphone to "LDK", after a few minutes of trying to speak and numberous chats from the crowd, Lloyd has hand enough.
"LDK" LLOYD REES: SHUT UP!! SHUT DA HELL UP!! Don't ye all realize d'hat right now, stand'n in front ye, is someting d'hat ye are all very lucky t'gaze upon. Some of ye might never get dis oppertunity again; da oppertunity to look upon pure greatness, greatness d'hat is simply known as "LDK". Now, I understand d'hat all of ye are more d'han familiar with all me accomplishments and frankly if ya arn't, d'hen ya must have been live'n in a cave for da past seventeen months. But last week...Oh last week, was probably one of me favorite tings I ever did my me amaze'n career.
BILL HEWSON: He enjoyed it?! I have never liked Rees but, he is different now. He has changed since losing the NAPW Provincial Title.
JACK JONES: Rees is serious! His loss of the Provincial strap has struck him hard and he is going to make everyone pay for loss.
BILL HEWSON: I think the best idea for Rees would be to check himself into a hospital...
"LDK" LLOYD REES: Last week, I took a man d'hat seems t'tink he is better dan "LDK" and showed him what dis business is all about. I showed him da true mean'n of hold da title of Grand Slam Winner, what happens if ya mess with Da Crimes, and what happens if ya get in da way of da most decorated man in NAPW history and dis week ain't about t'be any different...
BILL HEWSON: What the hell is Rees blabbering on about?! Was he pointless beating of Chris Casino just the beginning of some vicious trend here in the NAPW?!
JACK JONES: I sure hope so!
BILL HEWSON: So Jack, your actually trying to to tell me you enjoyed last week?
JACK JONES: Kind of, yes...
Back in the ring.
"LDK" LLOYD REES: So, what I'm get'n at here is simple. If anyone, and I mean anyone, has got the guts t'step into da ring with "LDK" come on out!! D'hats right!! ANYONE!!
No one comes.
"LDK" LLOYD REES: Exactly what I thought! No one in da NAPW has da balls t'face me one on one in dis ring! Not, Kodaik, not Beautiful, not James, not Zellor, hell, not even NAPW Champion Ravager got what it takes t'step into dis very ring with da one and da only Lloyd Rees!
The crowd boos, but suddenly cheers as "Last Call" by Tora, Tora, Tora begins to blare.
BILL HEWSON: Jack, I can not believe it!! Someone has answered Rees' challenge... and that someone is Chris Kamikaze!!
JACK JONES: Come on Hewson! Do you actually think that Kamikaze is on the same level as the one and only LLOYD REES?!
Frank Warbuton is in the ring to announce this impromptu match up.
FRANK WARBURTON: On his way to the ring weighting in at two hundred and four pounds, hauling from Pearl Harbour, Hawaii...CHRIS KAAMIIKAAAZEEE!!
Kamikaze enters the ring and looks ready to shut Rees up.
FRANK WARBURTON: And already in the ring, weighting in tonight at two hundred and forty seven pounds, from Wabana, Bell Island, Newfoundland..."L! D! K!" LLOYD REES!!
BILL HEWSON: Well, this is unexpected Jack but it should be good!
JACK JONES: Of course it will be Bill!! We got "LDK" in the ring.
The bell rings and this match is under way. Rees and Kamikaze meet in the middle of the ring and stand nose to nose. Words fly and out of no where Chris Kamikaze smacks Rees in the face. Lloyd staggers backward. Studded by the brashness of Kamikaze. Rees in right back in the face of Chris but, this time with a right hand and a swift kick to the guts! Kamikaze is folded in half! DDT FROM THE GREEN!! Chris Kamikaze in planted!!
JACK JONES: This one is already over!! What the hell was Kamikaze thinking stepping into the right with the "East Coast Sensation"?!
BILL HEWSON: Maybe he, like everyone else, is sick of Rees and his attitude!!
Back in the ring Rees is nowhere near done with Kamikaze. Multiple kicks and punches have lead to Kamikaze being set up for one of Rees's deadly finishers. "NISH" J. DROP!! Kamikaze is out!! This one is over and Rees goes for the pin. Referee Morgan Smythe drops to the mat for the count...
ONE!
TWO!!
NO!!
BILL HEWSON: Typical Rees! He had this match won but he had to go and do something like this!
JACK JONES: Pulling Kamikaze's head off the mat, just wanting to keep this lesson going...
After a few more smacks, Rees locks on the on Conception Bay Chinlock!
BILL HEWSON: This has to be the end!
JACK JONES: But, Kamikaze is very close to the ropes Bill!
Kamikaze is bound to tap but, while referee Morgan Symthe's attention in focuesed on the action, John Salty places Kamikaze's hand on the bottom rope but, the keen Smythe notices Salty and turns her attention to him. While the ref addresses the issue, Rees grabs his precious REBEL Trophy and is about to plant Kamikaze... when suddenly the fans erupt.
Chris Casino is behind Rees. AND HE HAS A BASEBALL BAT.
JACK JONES: Watch out Rees!!
SMASH!!
Casino just nailed Rees with the bat!!
BILL HEWSON: Pay back is a bitch!!
Kamikaze is quick to react, hits the top rope, and nails the stunned Rees with the Type 99 and the cover! Symthe counts...
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!
FRANK WARBURTON: Your winner...CHRIS KAAMIKAAZEE!!
BILL HEWSON: Can you believe what we are seeing Jones?!
JACK JONES: NO!!
Kamikaze flees the ring as Rees is completely shocked!! Salty rolls into the ring and the duo stares at Casino as he makes his way through the cheering crowd. "LDK" Lloyd Rees is FURIOUS... Casino stops and points his bat at LDK, pointing to the bandages on his own forehead. Oh my.
JACK JONES: ... and that's how they put the Caramilk into the Caramilk bar!
BILL HEWSON: Amazing. I'd have never thought it was so... so simple!
JACK JONES: I know!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen the following TAG-TEAM MATCH is scheduled for ONE FALL.
"Sober" by Tool hits the sound system and the fans here in West Edmonton Mall start booing as SEBASTIEN MARTYR and AL B. DAMNED both emerge from the curtains. Martyr looks like he's in a bad mood...
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, at a combined weight of FIVE HUNDRED and FIFTEEN pounds. They are the team of SEBASTIEN MARTYR and AL B. DAMNED... THE DAMNED!
BILL HEWSON: Not a lot of love for these two guys, Jack Attack. But, frankly, I don't think they care.
JACK JONES: Martyr thrives on their hate, Bill Hewson. He eats it like a delicious breakfast cereal. And look at that Damned kid! Wow! What a specimen!
Martyr and Damned both step into the ring, sneering at the fans. Martyr heads into his corner, making it clear that the large Al B. Damned is going to start off this match.
"Here We Go Again" by Ok Go! The fans erupt into cheers as NENJI and TURANCULA both emerge from the curtain, with SHADOW up behind them.
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponents, at a combined weight of THREE HUNDRED and SIXTY pounds, and being accompanied to the ring by SHADOW... AWESOME! WRESTLING! EXPLOSION!
JACK JONES: I still can't believe that Terry Brandon has sent these losers back to the backyard.
BILL HEWSON: These guys have proven themselves again and again, Jack Attack. They are NAPW caliber wrestlers, and I - for one - hope that they're here to stay!
The trio make their way to the ring, gladhanding on the way, and climb up into their corner, mugging to the crowd a bit. Turancula steps into the ring to start, and Morgan Smythe calls for the bell!
Damned is a big, big man, and lumbers after Turancula, but the nimble Latino Sensation sidesteps, goes low, and we've got a Schoolboy Rollup in the first thirty second folks! One! Two! And Al kicks out with enough authority to send Turancula skittering back into the ropes. Damned rises and with a snarl rushes at Turancula who pulls down the ropes and sends the lummox up and over to ringside. Martyr rubs his temples and grits his teeth.
BILL HEWSON: Somehow, I don't think this match is going quite how Sebastien Martyr expected.
Damned basically no-sells his landing, rising quickly and sliding back into the ring. He rushes at Turancula again who unleashes a Hip Toss that grounds the man, then steps over his chest on the way to his corner and tags in Nenji to a big cheer!
JACK JONES: Don't encourage him!
Nenji leaps into the ring just as Damned has risen to one knee and Dropkicks him in the face. Damned, amazingly, just hangs there, on one knee, looking stunned! Nenji scratches his head, then hits the ropes for some momentum and goes for a second Dropkick! And Damned just keeps hanging there, still not moving. Nenji takes a step back, and blows on Al B. Damned... and the large man faceplants! The crowd goes wild! Martyr stamps his feet angrily and shouts at the fan nearest to him to shut up! Nenji covers. One! Only one. Damned powers out and Nenji soars across the ring. Al rises to his feet, snarls and charges at Nenji, determined to land some offence, but Nenji Baseball slides between his legs! Damned spins around... SMOKEBOMB!
JACK JONES: Not in the mall! He'll set off a fire alarm!
The smoke clears with Al B. Damned coughing and waving his hands... and Nenji poised to strike right behind him! He turns... MYSTIC SIDE KICK... NO! Damned staggers back at the last second, and Nenji goes wide. Al B. Damned reaches out and tags in Sebastien Martyr, who is red faced and looks furious!
BILL HEWSON: Matyr looks like he's not too happy that AWX isn't taking his team seriously.
Martyr hestures for Nenji to bring it, and the plucky ninja locks up with him. Which is a mistake, because Martyr has almost a hundred pounds on the cruiserweight. Nenji gets powered around and the Doctor of Desecration locks in the Morpheus! Nenji flails and cries out in anguish, and Martyr just glowers. Smythe is right there, checking to see if Nenji's going to tap out, but the little ninja who could shakes his head no! And suddenly there's Turancula, stomping on Martyr, and breaking the hold! Martyr rolls aside as Turancula heads back to his corner and Nenji leaps over and tag him back in.
BILL HEWSON: Good save!
Turancula rushes Martyr, but Martyr is in no mood. One Quick DDT and Turancula is planted on the top of his head. Martyr then pulls him back to his feet... SACRIFICE! Turancula twitches and the crowd start booing mercilessly... and SHADOW hits the ring! He rushes Martyr before the fomer Tag Team Champion can get the pin, but is intercepted by Al B. Damned! The behemoth nearly beheads him with a clothesline, and Shadow his the canvas at an awkward angle. More booing ensues and Nenji starts shouting for the AWX to rally! Smythe tries to regain some control but can't stop Damned from pulling Shadow back up and POWERBOMBING the man into the corner turnbuckle! Holy Hell! Martyr has finally cracked a smile, and the sick bastard is laughing.
BILL HEWSON: Oh man, someone stop this!
Nenji crashes the ring again and leaps onto Damned's back, hammering on his head. Al B. Damned grabs him by the head and flips him over his shoulder... but Nenji lands nimbly on his feet and DARK DAZE! The little ninja gets put down hard by Martyr right out of nowhere. Martyr hauls Nenji over to the still prone Turancula and drapes him over his partner and waves for Al B. Damned who does the same with Shadow. The crowd is on it's feet booing...
JACK JONES: NO!
BILL HEWSON: THE BEE!
And the crowd EXPLODES as THE BEE emerges from under the ring and starts going bananas in the ring! Damned actually flees for his very life, diving out of the ring! Martyr staggers as The Bee lays into him, little fists flying. Martyr crumples to one knee and The Bee buzzes around to the opposite side of the ring, rushes, uses his three fallen teammates as a set of steps and DIVES towards Martyr!
BILL HEWSON: FEEL THE STING!
And Martyr catches him.
SACRIFICE!
BILL HEWSON: HOLY HELL! Not on a MIDGET! You sick bastard!
JACK JONES: About time someone swatted that bug!
And then, with a handfull of antenna, and the crowd starting to actually throw garbage at him in the ring, Martyr swings the crumpled Bee on top of his three prone teammates, and pins the entire AWX.
One!
Two!
Three!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners... THE DAMNED!
BILL HEWSON: That was... that was an atrocity! Martyr should feel ashamed!
But he looks happy for the first time in a while. Al B. Damned joins him in the ring and they raise their arms in triumph over the crumpled heap in front of them.
JACK JONES: You don't mess with the Damned, Bill Hewson, or you'll end up just like those backyard wrestlers.
BILL HEWSON: A worthy effort by the AWX as always... but tonight... just wasn't their night...
Jack Jones returns to the announcers table with an HMV bag in hand.
JACK JONES: Been looking all over for this. ... Why the glare, Hewson?
BILL HEWSON: Couldn't you have waited until AFTER the show to go shopping?
JACK JONES: I didn't want to take any chances on a sell out...
BILL HEWSON: Sell out of what?
Hewson grabs the bag from Jones, who protests. Hewson pulls a copy of the Dreamgirls DVD, as well as a Kelly Rowland CD.
JACK JONES: I can explain...
"BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS! WHAT YA GONNA DO?"
BILL HEWSON: I've never been happier to see Joey Malone. It's four corner survival time!
JACK JONES: It's for a friend. A friend with a serious crush on Jennifer Hudson...
BILL HEWSON: (muttering to himself) Focus on the match and only the match...
FRANK WARBURTON: This match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a four corner survival match! First, making his way to the ring, he is from Lloydminster, Alberta. Weighing in at two hundred and thirty one pounds, he is the EXTREME JOBBER CHAMPION, "THE BAD BOY" Joey Malone!
And a pity pop for the Extreme Jobber champion, but truthfully, he looks happy just to be back on the show again.
Cocky by Kid Rock takes over the speakers, and the crowd gives a respectable pop to "The Show".
FRANK WARBURTON: His opponents! First, from Paducah, Kentucky, weighing in at two hundred and thirty pounds, he is "THE SHOW" Chad Kurtis!
Kurtis climbs into the ring and glares at Joey Malone, but his mind seems to be somewhere else right now...
Rob Zombie's turn on the sound system, and the fans are not very receptive to the next man out.
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponent, accompanied by Mandy. From Wickliffe, Kentucky, weighing in at three hundred and fifteen pounds, he is "THE ANGRY AMERICAN", Matthew Kurtis!
Mandy gets a few catcalls from the "classier" NAPW fans. A glare from Matthew ends all that, though. He gets in the ring and locks eyes with Chad. The two men nod at each other, ready for whatever the match may bring them. Isis' "Beneath Below" makes sure everyone pays attention to the last combatant.
FRANK WARBURTON: And finally, from Windsor, Ontario, weighing in at two hundred and forty pounds... Billlllly Kryenik!
A hostile reaction to be sure. Nobody's forgotten what this man did last week. And who he betrayed. Referee John Sharplin calls for the bell, and we're off! Joey Malone charges at Matthew Kurtis, and nails a roaring elbow! A lesser man would be... well, not hurt, maybe bruised slightly. Matthew Kurtis? He's just annoyed. He grabs Malone and whips him into the turnbuckle and follows up with a Yakuza kick! Malone is knocked over the top rope and to the floor, much to the delight of the fans. Matt turns around and is face to face with his brother Chad. There are murmurs of anticipation from the crowd, but the fight never happens, as Matt tags Kryenik.
BILL HEWSON: Not a popular decision by Matthew Kurtis.
JACK JONES: What? You really want to see two brothers fight? Please.
Kryenik has an intense look on his face. Chad is as determined as ever. The two men lock up. Kryenik whips Chad into the ropes, and follows up with a knee to the gut. Chad goes down, Kryenik plants a stiff kick to Chad's spine, then tries to lock on a bow and arrow. Chad gets an arm free, and grabs the ropes. Kryenik holds on until the count of four, then lets go. He tries to get a waist lock, but instead he's elbowed in the jaw. He staggers back, allowing room for Chad to hit a dropkick. Kryenik falls into the ropes, and bounces back into super kick! Kryenik goes down, and Kurtis covers! One.. two.. Kryenik kicks out, and rolls to the outside.
BILL HEWSON: These men wasting very little time tonight... what's Malone trying to do?
Joey Malone is back up, but a bit groggy. He has enough to grab Kryenik by the shoulder and turn him around, but not enough to dodge Kryenik's right hook! Malone falls against the guard rail. Kryenik lays in with a few more punches...
Forgetting that Chad Kurtis is still the legal man! Kurtis with a plancha that takes out Kryenik and Malone! That gets a good response from the fans, though Joey looks to be out. Chad gets to his feet, hauls up Kryenik, and rolls him back into the ring. Chad is quick to follow, and goes for another cover. One.. Two.. again Kryenik kicks out! Chad cinches in a head lock, trying to wear Kryenik down. Kryenik rolls Chad onto his back for a pin! One... Two.. Chad is surprised, but kicks out! Kryenik is on his feet, and catches a charging Kurtis with a European uppercut! He grabs a stunned Chad and whips him into the ropes, then follows up with The Kiss of Babylon! Chad's head is nearly knocked clean off! Kryenik with the cover, but referee Sharplin isn't counting! Kryenik starts to ask why, but his only answer is to be hauled up and tossed into the corner turnbuckle.
BILL HEWSON: Matthew Kurtis with the blind tag! Kryenik was too focused on hitting his move to notice!
Matt lays in with some stiff chops, which gets a "Woo" from the fans, even if they're not sure who to cheer for. Kryenik tries to fight his way out of the corner, but Matt is too big. A knee to the gut and a forearm to the back puts Kryenik down. He's dragged back up, and locked in a bear hug! Matt Kurtis squeezes with all his might, and Kryenik starts to go limp. Kurtis demands that Sharplin check to see if Kryenik has passed out. Sharplin lifts the arm, but Kryenik head snaps up, suddenly very alert. He drives his forearm into Kurtis' face. Then another. And another. The third loosens the grip enough the Kryenik can get his feet on the mat. A fourth breaks the hold entirely. Kryenik hits the ropes, looking to come back with a huge move, only he's slapped on the back. A pop from the crowd as:
JACK JONES: Joey Malone has tagged himself in.
BILL HEWSON: I thought he was unconscious?
Nope. He's groggy though. But he's ready to fight! He pulls the straps down! He raises his fists and tells Matthew Kurtis to bring it! Kurtis shrugs his shoulders...
and knocks Malone out of his boots with a Clothesline from Hell. Literally. One of his boots nearly makes it to Chapters. Matthew Kurtis with a cover, but Kryenik breaks it up before Sharplin can even count. Kurtis glares at Kryenik, and lays in with several shots. Kryenik doesn't back down, hitting some hard rights and lefts. He goes for a right hook, but Kurtis blocks, nails a head butt, and tosses Kryenik over the top rope. Chad meets Kryenik on the floor, and the two men exchange punches as well. Matthew goes back to Malone, who has barely moved in the last minute. he hauls him up, setting him for the Bluegrass Bomb, but something catches his attention. The crowds as well.
BILL HEWSON: Some sort of commotion, it looks like.. oh no..
Tommy Deathrow, large box in hand, is making his way to the ring. Kryenik doesn't notice at first, as he and Chad Kurtis are in an intense brawl. But Kryenik sees Deathrow out of the corner of his eye, and suddenly there's only one thing to focus on.
JACK JONES: Why does that lunatic need to be out here? Haven't we seen enough of him tonight?
BILL HEWSON: After everything Kryenik has put him through? Can you really blame him for wanting a little payback?
Kryenik walks over to Deathrow. His glare would reduce most men to tears. But Deathrow just has his sick grin on his face. And a box.
JACK JONES: What's in the box?
BILL HEWSON: Why don't you go up to Deathrow and ask him?
JACK JONES: On the other hand, I can live with a few mysteries in life...
Deathrow puts the box on the ground. Carefully opens it. The fans close enough to the guardrail strain for a better look. Then wish they hadn't bothered. Deathrow pulls something up... Kryenik's eyes go wild when he finally sees what's in Deathrow's hands.
It's a bunny.
Check that. It's a dead bunny.
JACK JONES: Did Deathrow kill Col. Giggles?
BILL HEWSON: We may need some extra security down here.
Kryenik? Loses it. He yells in rage and lunges at Deathrow, who is quick to drop the carcass on the ground and dive right back at Kryenik. The former Doomriders lay into each other with a fury rarely seen at West Edmonton Mall (at least before the bars close). The Kryenik takes Deathrow to the floor and tries to slam the Superstar's head into the concrete. Deathrow reaches up and tries to drive his fingers into Kryenik's eyes. Officials and Mall Security (as well as real police officers) swarm the scene to make sure the fight doesn't spread into the crowd.
Oh yeah, there's still a match in the ring.
Malone has used the distraction to get to his feet. He hits a baseball slide on Chad Kurtis, who is watching the fight in the crowd. Malone turns around and CHOPS Matthew Kurtis! Matt smirks as Malone lays in another. And another. Chad Kurtis has slid back into the ring. He grabs Malone by the shoulder and turns him around. Boot to the gut, Malone is doubled over ... CK FINALE! Malone's spine is folded up like an accordion! Matthew Kurtis smiles, hauls Malone up, and nails the Bluegrass Bomb! Both Kurtis Brothers go for the pin! Sharplin is slightly unsure, but counts the pin.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winners of the match, Chad and Matthew Kurtis, THE BLUEGRASS MAFIA!
The Kurtis Brothers high five, though the fans are not entirely enthused for the win. They're happy for Chad, but...
BILL HEWSON: I think Warburton forgot something...
FRANK WARBURTON: And still Extreme Jobber Champion, THE BAD BOY, JOEY MALONE!
And Malone gets that sweet sweet pity from the crowd. If only he were awake to hear the pop. Matt and Chad head back to the locker rooms as Malone is dragged out of the ring...
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is the triple-threat match for the Provincial Title! Introducing first...
"Farther Away" - AKForty kicks up. The fans don't mind that the song sucks (haha JP), and cheer Jeff James anyways! The two-time TV Champion and former Provincial Champion hits the ring to a great reaction.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing challenger number one, weighing in at two-hundred and five pounds... from Chicago Illinois, he is Jeeeeeff Jaaaaaaames!
James takes a corner. The music fades... "Bang Bang To The Rock & Roll," baby! The crowd pops as Stone Zellor dances his way out. He glad hands fans on the way to the ring, pointing at pretty girls and nodding, before hitting the ring and giving the WEM crowd a scintillating version of The Robot.
FRANK WARBURTON: Challenger number two! Weighing in at one-hundred and seventy-one pounds, from Staten Island New York... he is "DYNAMITE" Stone Zellor!
BILL HEWSON: These two men are on the same side in the war against The Crimes. And that's exactly why Terry Brandon booked this match. Jeff James gets his rematch, Stone Zellor finally gets his title shot after pinning Ca$h CLEAN in the Eight-Man tag last week... but they're opponents in this match, and only one man will walk away with the gold.
JEFF JAMES: How can you act like this is so unfair for James and STONE? The champion is at a disadvantage, I mean, Ca$h could lose the Provincial Title without even being pinned for it! I don't know what Brandon's smoking!
BILL HEWSON: Somehow, I don't think the advantage is going with the enemies of The Crimes...
Crimes? OZZY picks up, and to a chorus of boos out walks the champion with the belt draped across his shoulder. Ca$h snorts at the fans, mocking their disdain. He takes his time getting in to the ring. James and Stone each have the Prov title held up in front of their face, Ca$h pointing at himself saying "No way this belt leaves except around MY waist."
FRANK WARBURTON: And now, the champion! Weighing in a two-hundred and thirty-five pounds, he comes from Seattle Washington... the NAPW PROVINCIAL CHAMPIONNNNN.... Ca$h!
BILL HEWSON: And there's the bell!
Stone moves in onthe Champion Ca$h with caution. Jeff James opts to remain in his corner, preferring to observe for now and strike at the most opportune time. Can't blame him! Stone calls for a test of strength, but Ca$h begs off as the fans boo. Zellor waves him off and turns to the crowd. They know what's coming...they can't WAIT for what's coming...because it's dance-off time! Stone with a Head Spin-a-roonie! He twirls like a top before hopping to his feet and holding his hands out for Ca$h to show what he's got. The fans are eating this up - cheap shot by Ca$h! Belly-to-Belly Suplex puts Zellor down. Jeff James charges and hits a flip-over cutter on Ca$h! Zellor pops up and gets creamed by James' Jumping Superkick! Ca$h rises to his feet, but suffers the wrath of Jeff's Crash Landing - double kneedrop to the face after a textbook legsweep! James hops over the ropes - Tope Atomico on Ca$h - but Zellor is back on his feet! James boots him in the gut and plants him with a swinging neckbreaker. He's on a roll here in the early goings, and it's not looking good for the Champ!
James throws the champ to the corner, but it's reversed. Ca$h hits a left-right-left-right-right combination in the corner, wearing down the high-flyer with strikes to keep gim grounded. Ca$h whips him to the opposite corner and follows behind for the clothesline - Jackie Chan by Jeff James, propping himself up on the ring ropes. He grabs Ca$h around the head drives to hit a Tornado DDT, but Ca$h throws him off hard onto his back. The Provincial Champ bounces off the ropes for a little momentum and goes for a fist drop, but James rolls away and he punches the canvas! James kips-up and dropkicks a rising Ca$h right in the jaw, sending him out through the middle rope! James follows right after, sliding under the bottom rope - but he's clotheslined hard to the floor by a pop-up Ca$h! Ca$h is whipped around, and starts trading punches with Stone, who he whips him into the steel steps at ringside.
JACK JONES: What did I tell you, Hewson? Even two-on-one, the Crown Jewel of The Crimes is dominating!
BILL HEWSON: Mutual respect between Stone and James, and clearly they want nothing more than to beat Ca$h for the belt, but the champion is holding his own in the early going!
Zellor grabs at his back in pain, but is able to move as Ca$h knee lifts the cold, hard steel rather than his intended Target of Zellor's head! Stone gets to his feet but James catches him napping with a modified neckbreaker than sees him slam the back of Zellor's head over his knee! Ca$h again with a cheap shot, sending Jeff James into the apron. He slams his head off of the side of the ring before sliding him back in, and turns his attention back towards Stone - the only man in this match without a singles title reign. Belly-to-Belly suplex on the floor! Ca$h looks pretty pleased with himself, and gets up onto the apron. He's not headed back inside, however; he gets a running start and drives a flying elbow into Stone's sternum! Now, he's able to turn his attention to OH MY GODDDDD!!! SUICIDE NO HANDS PLANCHA, right over the top rope! Jeff James whipes out Ca$h - but he's not done yet. He jumps onto the apron with one hop, and then bounces onto the top rope with the next - top rope ASAI MOONSAULT! CONNECTS 100 PERCENT! The crowd goes wild, and James pops up ready to do more damage!
But what's this?
STATIC from the crowd! And he's got a chair, Jeff James doesn't see him! STEEL CHAIR to Jeff's leg, and the greatest TV Champion of all-time is down in tremendous pain! "SUCK MY VOODOO, (BLEEP)! CRIMES!" And just as soon as he got there, Static rushes off cackling - but not before sliding Ca$h back into the ring. EMT's rush down to tend to Jeff James - this is awful. The fans are booing...
BILL HEWSON: Dammit, what a cowardly move by the Crimes! This kid gives his heart and soul to Rex Caliber's company, and in return Static just submarined him with a steel chair.
JACK JONES: That's why you can't ever cross the boss, Hewson. Or his posse for that matter. But I'm glad that snot-nosed little punk got what he deserved - it's poetic justice!
BILL HEWSON: Do you even know what that expression means?
JACK JONES: No, but I will admit that Tupac can act after seeing that movie.
BILL HEWSON: Would you please? Jeff James is being helped to the back here by our emergency medical technicians, and we've been informed this will be contested now under normal singles match rules.
Stone gets up on the apron to get back into the ring, but as he sticks his head through the middle rope Ca$h DDT's him right into the ring. Ca$h with a pin, but it's barely two. Ca$h peels Stone off the mat and starts to punch that injured shoulder - he's attacking it just like he said he would all week. A few more stiff punches to the injured joint before he tosses him through the corner ropes and into the ringpost - that's uncalled for! Stone staggers out of the corner, grabbing his shoulder, but only gets a Jumping Armbreaker for his troubles. Like a shark smelling blood, Ca$h is all over him with a Crossface Chickenwing! This could very well be the end of the match, Stone's shoulder is severely injured and this move focuses all it's energies on trying to tear that body part directly off! Ca$h has a very tight grip - this pain must be excruciating, and their stuck right in the middle of the ring to make matters worse for Stone. He grunts and groans, trying to fight through the pain and wiggle his way free. Ca$h locks him in a body scissors to keep him right where he's at, not wanting to lose this golden opportunity to force a tapout and retain the title for the Crimes.
The crowd is behind Stone Zellor, they want him to break free. He's squirming about, and Ca$h is having a hell of a time keeping him locked up! The crowd gets louder - Stone forces himself free and gets up to his feet. Ca$h with a big right hand - blocked - right hand from Stone - blocked - Jawjacker takes Ca$h down! Ca$h pops up from the impact, and Stone puts him right back on his keister with a Discus Clothesline! He ascends the turnbuckle, albeit gingerly with that injured shoulder hindering his climbing ability, and takes flight with a Diving Headbutt. It hits! He pins the Champion! Oneeee...twwwooooo....kickout!
BILL HEWSON: Not that easily, not on this day! But Stone is building momentum!
Stone gets to his feet, still favoring his shoulder, and lays a few kicks into Ca$h for good measure. The Champ is scooped up here by Stone - Ca$h punches him in the gut as he's being picked up, and then drives two sharp elbows into the chest and then the throat of the Zellor brother! Ca$h shows his quick lateral movement and seemingly glides behind Zellor - German Suplex! He holds onto the waistlock, and drags Stone back to his feet - Stone grabs at his hands to block, and starts throwing elbows to get free. It worked, and now Stone turns around to feed a leg to Ca$h. Enzuigiri is ducked by Ca$h, but Stone whips back around and tries again with a reverse heel kick only to have Ca$h evade once again. Ca$h yanks him in close and lays him out him face first with a reverse STO. He pins with a hook of the leg! Oneeee...twwwooooo....th-shoulder up! Stone took one right on the chin but he's still in it. Ca$h doesn't give a crap how resilient Zellor is, and he promptly hits a Vertical Suplex to try to keep him down. No dice, Stone fights to his feet. Ca$h with a few forearm shots, trying to weaken Stone even further - he double axehandles the bum shoulder! Stone goes down on one knee in pain, and Ca$h immediately grabs on a Crossface Chickenwing - no! Stone slides out of it and catches him in a hammerlock! Now it's Ca$h's turn to be in pain, as he has a very well documented shoulder injury that nearly cost him his career!
Ca$h walks around, trying to create a reversal angle and he finds one. Reversed into a hammerlock on Stone Zellor, and Ca$h kicks his knee out and once more attempts a Chickenwing - snapmare takes him forward and Stone applies a rear chinlock. That lasts all of two seconds and Ca$h fights to his feet and whips Stone into the ropes and catches him with a sidewalk slam on the rebound. Ca$h punches the bad shoulder as they lie on the mat! Stone punches him right in the face, once, twice, three times! Ca$h scrambles away and slides under the bottom rope to catch his breath. He hardly has time to inhale before Stone rushes to the top rope and hits a Missile Dropkick right down onto the floor! Both men are down, it's hard to even tell who got the worst of that exchange.
BILL HEWSON: Those are the kinds of high-risk moves that have earned Stone his place in this company, as well as in this title match, but I think he may have just crashed and burned in spite of connecting with that fantastic aerial maneuver.
JACK JONES: That's the danger of high-flying, and that's why Ca$h is just flat-out better suited to be a champion than this Zellor character. I got skillz, bitch? Apparently not, chump!
Zellor is up to his feet first, but he may have taken some of that landing on his shoulder. He grabs Ca$h by the head -Ca$h with a lowblow! And he IMMEDIATELY regrets that decision as the pain shoots up his arm like a tetanus shot! Stone just laughs off the ball-shot and BLAM! Pimp Slap! Ca$h isn't taking that embassment lying down and slaps him right back, but even harder. Stone turns away for just a second, and Ca$h bulldogs him face first on the floor! The crowd's booing, but Ca$h almost instinctively instucts them to go (BLEEP) themsevles. Isn't that nice? He rolls Stone back in the ring and covers, but it's only a two count. Now, he looks pissed off. Picking Stone up, he hooks him for a suplex - could it be the Midas Touch? We'll never know...
Because it's SLAMMY TIME! Double Arm DDT connects, here's the cover!
ONE!
TWOOOO!
THRE-NO! NO! Kickout, Ca$h barely was able to get his shoulder off the mat. Stone can't believe it - nobody kicks out of Slammy Time! Stone picks Ca$h up and shoves him to the corner, but his chop is ducked under and he's hit with a Backdrop Driver! ONE!....TWOOO!!...KICKOUT! That was damn close, Ca$h nearly stole one here in Edmonton. Ca$h uses the ropes to help him up in a more timely fashion, and starts to drop knees on Stone's un-protected shoulder. Ca$h wisely positions himself between Zellor and the ropes, and then places a knee on top of that bad shoulder. He puuullls back hard on the arm, causing a sharp pain all the way up Stone's arm. Will he tap? No, because Ca$h inexplicably releases the hold. He picks up the younger Zellor brother and spikes his head with a Piledriver, Texas style. ONE!...TWOOO!...TH-SHOULDER! Ca$h is legitmately surpised, that should have been the end of the match for sure. He mounts Zellor and tries to work in some punches - but Zellor grabs his hands and headbutts him, knocking him backwards. Stone gets to his feet quick, fast, and in a hurry and finds the strength somewhere to stick a boot to Ca$h's gut and pull off a Brainbuster DDT! Both men lie on the mat, Stone facing up and Ca$h on his back. Stone slowly rolls over...slowly rolls Ca$h onto his back...and pins him.
ONE!
TWOOOO!
KICKOUT!
Perhaps the time spent getting into the pin saved Ca$h's tite reign, but nonetheless we continue. The competitors rise to their feet, and trade some stiff punches. Ca$h is a better brawler and gets the upper hand - Stone with a Diamnond Cutter! From out of nowhere, a perfect cutter! But can he get the pin in time?
BILL HEWSON: If he can cover here he's got the gold in his hand! He just needs to throw an arm over the champ!
JACK JONES: Get up, get up, get up!
Cover! Oneeee...twwwwwoooooo....threeee
NO! Ca$h kicked out again. And now he's to his feet - and he looks MAD. Stone gets up, but it's just a barrage of punches and elbows that he can't stop. And then Ca$h hooks him up in Suplex Position - MIDAS TOUCH - is REVERSED! Now Stone has the Champion in suplex position, but he transitions to a front facelock - SLAMMY TIME! But Ca$h is able to counter with a back body drop! Stone pops right back up! Ca$h with a kick to the stomach - and there's a Sitout Double Underhook Facebuster! He covers! ONEEEE....TWWOOOOOO... KICKOUT at the last second! Ca$h is beside himself, scoops up Stone, and tries to end it with the Midas Touch again! Stone's up...he slides off Ca$h's back and gets behind him! Full Nelson Facebuster! Stone covers!
ONEEEEEEE!
TWWWWWOOOOOO!
THREEEEEEEE!!!
Well, it would have been if Ca$h didn't kickout!
BILL HEWSON: We've seen big move after big move, but who's going to hit the biggest of them all?
JACK JONES: One Midas Touch and it's over!
Stone and Ca$h slowly get back to their feet and look into each other's eyes. They've gone back to square one now. Stone with a right hand! Another - it's blocked! Right hand from Ca$h! Reverse Russian Legsweep! Both men are down, and look to be in considerable pain...but Ca$h pays homage to his leader - RINGS OF REX!
BILL HEWSON: RINGS OF REX!!! This has got to be it, Ca$h could end this gutsy kid's career with a move like this on that injured shoulder!
JACK JONES: Good! Do it, and teach all these morons from Zellor to James all the way to the Champion Ravager that the Crimes can't be beat!
BILL HEWSON: You're sick! Look at this here, Stone's showing the heart of a champion as he fights his way to his feet - wait a minute, is Ca$h letting him?
It was all a trick - , Ca$h hits a Tiger Suplex that he was already in perfect positon for - bridge cover!
ONE!
TWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO
THREEE-KICKOUT!
Ca$h is running out of ideas, and he heads to the top rope. He's waiting for Stone to get to his feet, perched like a hawk about to strike. Flying Axehandle Smash - RUNNING STO COUNTER IN MID-AIR! It lays Ca$h out!
ONE!
TWWOOOOOOO!
THRE-NO! WHAT is it going to take?
Both men lie on the mat, chests heaving. The crowd is cheering for them to get to their feet so that they can finish this amazing match. Stone stirs. Ca$h stirs. But no one's able to make a move to get up...
STONE'S UP!
CA$H IS UP!
Ca$h with a boot to the stomach, and he forces Stone's head into his armpit to start the Midas Touch process! Lifts him up --- Stone COUNTERS WITH AN INSIDE CRADLE! ONE! TWO! THREEEEE!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of the match...and NEW Provincial Champion! "Dynamite" Stonnnnne Zellloorrrrrr!
BILL HEWSON: He did it! He did it! By God he did it --- Stone Zellor is at last the NAPW Provincial Champion! And is there anybody more deserving than he is?
JACK JONES: I can't believe it! Ca$h --- LOST?
Stone is up, favoring his shoulder still... but he seems to gain new energy when referee John Sharplin hands him the Provincial Title belt. Ca$h has rolled outside the ring, exhausted, swearing with his hands on his hips. He looks up at Stone in disgust and walks to the back. Stone is worn out himself, but dammit... he's the Provincial Champion! He looks out at the crowd and yells... "I GOT SKILLZ..."
Crowd responds. "BITCH!"
And now he done got the Provincial Title, baby.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first! From Napier, New Zealand, weighing in at one hundred and eighty pounds! This is! LINK! VAAAAAN HAGGAAAAAARRRRRDDDD!
"Man in the Box" plays as Van Haggard enters, dressed in his dark red leather trenchcoat, shaking the hands of his fans as he passes by. He enters the ring, and leans against the ring ropes, waiting for his opponent to appear.
FRANK WARBURTON: AND HIS OPPONENT! Weighing in at two hundred and sixty two pounds! From Salmon River, British Columbia! He is KEVVVVIIIIINNNNN! KOOOOODDDDI--
Josh Reynolds scampers down to ringside and whispers something in Warburton's ear. After a brief discussion, Warburton lifts the microphone.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that due to the car accident Kevin Kodiak was involved in several days ago, he will not be here. He's not critically injured, but he has not been cleared to wrestle here tonight.
Link Van Haggard furrows his brow. "What about my match?"
FRANK WARBURTON: However, the show must go on, and NAPW has found a suitable replacement for Kevin Kodiak to fight Link Van Haggard in this FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE match!
A giant man in a black outfit enters through the curtains. (Remember Dustin Runnels with his black jeans and sleeveless button-up? The renegade cowboy? Think of that, but this guy has a mask covering his face.) Frank whispers something in the giant's ear, and the giant whispers something back.
FRANK WARBURTON: From the West, I give you, IIIIAAAANNN COGNIIIITOOOOOO!!!!
JACK JONES: Ian Cognito? God, this is going to be good!
BILL HEWSON: Incognito? Who the hell is this guy?
JACK JONES: Only the greatest masked wrestler in the West! He'd give the Lone Ranger a run for his money!
The bell rings, and Link sizes up his opponent warily. Ian Cognito cracks his knuckles, the two men lock up, and it's on! Cognito, having a good few inches and about fifty pounds on Van Haggard, gets the advantage, and whips Link to the ropes, only to catch the smaller man in a devastating sidewalk slam! Cognito goes for the pin! One, and a kickout from Link Van Haggard. Cognito picks up Van Haggard, and attempts a chokeslam, but Link is not ready to fall just yet, kicking Cognito in the side. Cognito drops Link, and Link takes advantage with some solid kicks to the midsection. Ian grabs the leg of Van Haggard, waving his finger back and forth, but Link follows up with an enzuigiri to the back of Cognito's masked melon. Ian Cognito goes down, and Link scrambles for a pin. A quick one count, and Cognito gets his shoulder up. Van Haggard with a leg drop on the throat of Cognito, and Ian is thrashing on the mat. Van Haggard goes to the top rope, and signals to the crowd.
BILL HEWSON: Bullet the Blue Sky, already?
JACK JONES: Oh, the rookie's doomed.
Van Haggard flies through the air with the greatest of ease, his corkscrew senton picture perfect, until Ian Cognito manages to catch him in midair. And then, lifting the light frame of Link Van Haggard above his head, Cognito throws him over the top rope. The crowd ooohs in sympathetic pain as Van Haggard crashes into a couple of chairs in the front row of the audience. And then Ian Cognito, all six and three-quarters feet of him, does something unexpected. He climbs to the top rope, gauges his distance, and lets loose with a flying top rope splash! The crowd starts chanting "This is awesome!"
JACK JONES: My god, did you see that man fly? It's shades of Big Van Vader!
Cognito with the pin. One. Two! Kickout by Link Van Haggard. Cognito shrugs, and applies a Bow and Arrow lock, working the legs and back of the Kiwi. Van Haggard cries out in pain, but there's no ropes to reach out for. Ian Cognito torques the back of Van Haggard even more, and Van Haggard is looking for an out here! His arms are going everywhere, trying to find hold of something he can use. He glances the face of Cognito, pulling the mask from the chin. Ian Cognito desperately releases Link, scrambling to put the mask back on.
BILL HEWSON: Did I see a beard under there?
JACK JONES: Pay no attention to the face behind the mask! It's of no concern to you!
Cognito adjusts his mask, turning around, only to get a face full of folding chair. Swinging neckbreaker by Van Haggard! Ian Cognito goes through three chairs on his way to the concrete. But Link Van Haggard is not done there! He pulls a groggy Cognito up, and drags him past the audience. Some loyal fans scramble out of their seats in order to follow the action, and of course, an NAPW cameraman follows suit. Van Haggard drags Ian to the Chapters display placard, and drops the chalkboard on top of his opponent. Another leg drop forces the chalkboard into the chest of the burly masked man. Van Haggard with the pin. One! Tw-the knees of Cognito send Van Haggard and the Chapters placard flying. Ian Cognito rallies, and manages to Irish whip Van Haggard straight into the main display of Chapters. A black-haired assistant manager runs up. "The Harry Potter display!" Ian Cognito grabs a hardcover of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," flips through it, and uses it against the head of Van Haggard, yelling "Dumbledore dies on page 439!" "That was the previous book, moron!" shouts Link, sweeping the leg of Cognito, sending him down into the pile of books. The manager tries to send them out of the store. Van Haggard grabs the head of Ian Cognito and hits it into every metal pole he can find on the way to the two-floor HMV. Cognito's looking woozy, here, and Van Haggard jumps onto the NewCap stage, and lets loose with a KENTA knee! Springboard knee drop - that hits nothing but floor as Cognito rolls out of the way. That's GOTTA hurt! As Link Van Haggard writhes on the floor holding his knees, the masked man locks in a figure four leg lock.
JACK JONES: The figure four! That's got to do damage to the already hurt knees of Link Van Haggard! This Ian Cognito's a ring general!
BILL HEWSON: Wait a minute! That's the Bear Trap!
JACK JONES: Well, duh! Don't you know that Kevin Kodiak trained this man?
BILL HEWSON: I know that Kevin Kodiak IS this man!
JACK JONES: Balderdash!
Link Van Haggard is in some serious pain here. Ian Cognito is torquing the leg and knees, trying to get Link Van Haggard to submit and end this thing. Van Haggard is lashing out, trying to find anything at his disposal. Cognito is turning the screws, applying the pressure, and Van Haggard's arm is poised to tap out. He's exhausted, but he's trying his hardest not to tap. He thrashes around some more, but to no avail. He rests, and Sharplin counts. One! Two! Th-shoulder off the ground! One! Two! Thr-shoulder off the ground! One! Two! With every ounce of strength he has left, Link Van Haggard lashes out, whipping his head into the groin of Ian Cognito! And with a yelp of pain, Cognito releases the hold. Van Haggard tries to get up. Those knees can't take much more punishment here. Link stumbles into the HMV, holding on to the new releases shelf for support. And here comes Ian Cognito, bursting into the store, with a devastating lariat! It sends Van Haggard head over feet!
JACK JONES: Did you see that lariat, Hewson? It almost took the Kiwi's head off!
BILL HEWSON: Yes, I saw the Northern BC lariat.
JACK JONES: Similar! But I can see how you'd get the two mixed up, Hewson. The difference is subtle.
Van Haggard is pulled up, and Ian Cognito grabs him and lifts him up into the air. Vertical suplex! And it seems to go on for a while. Is it time for a Timber? Not if Cognito can't get him over, and Van Haggard uses his weight to reverse it into a sitout slam, driving Cognito into the rack, sending the two men into copies of Charmed Season Five and Dreamgirls. Van Haggard calls that the WTF! Both men are down for the count, here, and John Sharplin has no choice but to start counting. One! Two! Three! Ian Cognito is twitching, and Link Van Haggard is trying to conserve his energy. Four! Five! Cognito grabs for a box set, trying to get himself up. Van Haggard is still resting. Six! Seven! Cognito manages to sit up. Eight! Nothing from Van Haggard yet. Nine! Cognito's getting to his feet. Te-BAM! Ian Cognito has used the DVD box set as a weapon, straight to the face of Link Van Haggard! That's one way to stop a ten count, I guess. Cognito throws Van Haggard over his shoulder, and uses the escalator to the second floor of HMV. The camera's not able to get up that way! What the hell's happening? Oh, there they are, on the second floor balcony! Ian Cognito's left the HMV, Van Haggard still over his shoulder. When they get to the section right over the ring, the masked man drops his opponent into the second story rail. Double axe hand chop! And again! Even from down here, you can see the red welts starting to show on the chest of Link Van Haggard. Spinning leg kick goes straight for the head of Van Haggard, but he ducks! Ian Cognito is not sitting pretty, having been low blowed by the brass railing. Ah, there's our cameraman. Van Haggard hits the elevator button. He picks Ian Cognito off the rail, and grabs his black jeans. Ding! The elevator opens, and Van Haggard with a German suplex! Pin 'em, win 'em! Sharplin gets into the elevator and drops to his knees! One! Two! Kickout! Van Haggard shrugs, hits the main floor button, and the doors close in front of our cameraman.
As the glass elevator lowers, Van Haggard pushes Cognito into the wall, and just unleashes with a flurry of chops.The elevator opens, and Van Haggard with ANOTHER German suplex! Once more with the bridge! One! Two! T-Kickout by the big man! Van Haggard drags Cognito out of the elevator, and he spies the little island food court in the middle of the West Edmonton Mall lagoon. Van Haggard pulls Cognito across the bridge, head under his arm, feeding him shots to keep him in line. Once he's there, he manages to suplex the larger man over his head, and brings him back down in a Thunderchild Driver! Bam! Ian Cognito looks out for the count, but Link Van Haggard is not ready yet! He climbs up onto the counter of the Booster Juice, and signals once more for his finisher! Will this be it? Can Van Haggard Bullet the Blue Sky and win this one? Whap! The hell? WHAP! Ian Cognito, from his place on the floor, has grabbed a carton of Cinnzeo cinnamon buns, and is lobbing them at the face of Link Van Haggard! Icing sugar in the eyes! WHAP! The entire carton hits him square in the face! Link Van Haggard is disoriented! He wipes the cinnamon bun residue from his eyes, only to be staring straight into the masked face of his opponent! VERTICAL SUPLEX BY IAN COGNITO! TIIIIMBEEEERRRRR! Link Van Haggard goes through the cinnamon bun display, and Cognito pins! One! Two! THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Your winner! IAAAAANNNN COOOOGNIIIIITTOOOOO!
The masked man has his arm raised by John Sharplin, and walks to the balcony overlooking the lagoon, staring straight at the crowd of people at ringside. He pulls off his mask!
JACK JONES: Oh, my god! It was really Kevin Kodiak ALL ALONG?
BILL HEWSON: Now there's a shocker.
Kevin Kodiak laughs after his victory, holding the black mask him his outstretched hand. His eyes open wide as Link Van Haggard, from behind, pushes him over the railing! SPLOOOOSH! Kevin Kodiak is sent straight into the lagoon, as the crowd pops huge! His head pops up, and he sputters water and treads water. John Sharplin helps Link Van Haggard back to the ring and through the curtain, and mall maintenance tries to fish the large lumberjack out of the lagoon.
It's intermission time. The crowd is abuzz between matches, when all of a sudden, some familiar music starts up...
"I said hallelujah!"
"Battleflag" by pigeonhed blares over the pa and the West Edmonton Mall crowd begins booing as Donovan Astros steps out through the entranceway, briefcase in hand. The taped, dented, mangled briefcase of Terry Brandon's that was one wrapped around astros's head is now being cradled by the self-proclaimed face of greatness like a small child. Astros slides into the ring and motions for the microphone.
DONOVAN ASTROS: I'd spend some time introducing myself to the stupidest of you, but I have important business to take care of, and really, by now, each and every one of you should know that I am the best damned wrestler on God's green Earth!
The crowd boos louder.
Astros: Onto that business. Terry Brandon, you keep doing your damnedest to make my life miserable. You send me to North Carolina to wrestle in front of a bunch of inbred, toothless, drooling simpletons, and when I come back to wrestle for the promotion I'm contracted to, you do the one thing that hurts me most, Terry. You keep me out of action. You keep the fans from seeing the greatest thing that could ever happen to their miserable, pathetic lives. You keep NAPW from seeing greatness personified!
More booing as Astros smirks.
Astros: But Terry, tonight, that's all going to change. This is your briefcase. The briefcase you brought to Tagstravaganza when you first showed up and then showed your true colors as Rex Caliber's lapdog. The briefcase that everyone's been talking about and you've been dreading. And I don't blame you for dreading it, Terry. I mean, it must have been very... rough knowing the briefcase has been in my possession. It must be... dogging you that I know your secrets. And you're barking up the wrong tree if you think you can get out of here without every person here knowing what kind of sick animal you are!
BILL HEWSON: What could possibly be in that briefcase?
JACK JONES: I don't know, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know!
Astros: So Terry, this is your disgusting, pathetic, miserable life!
As Astros beings pulling off the tape, he's suddenly interrupted by the man walking through the entrance...
TERRY BRANDON: Wait! WAIT! Don't open that briefcase!
Astros: Why, Terry, you got something to hide?
Brandon: Yes! I mean, no, but there are sensitive documents in there that don't need to be made public!
Astros: I'm sure that the people here can be the judge of that. As I was saying, Terry Brandon's deep, dark, dirty past is about to come to light!
Astros struggles with the tape on the briefcase some more as Brandon rushes into the ring.
Brandon: I'll do anything you want, Donovan, just don't open that briefcase up!
Astros: Begging like a dog, are we, Terry? I'm not sure there's anything you can give me that would make me want to leave this case shut.
Brandon: I swear to you, anything you want! Just give me the briefcase!
Astros sets the briefcase down and puts one foot on top of it.
Astros: Anything, huh. Well, about the only thing that might sway my mind... is a shot at the NAPW title.
Brandon: I... I can't. Rex told me-
Astros bends down and picks up the briefcase again.
Astros: Rex Caliber's not gonna make what's in here go away, Terry. Gimme a title shot or Edmonton gets to see what's behind door number two.
Astros peels off some more tape from the briefcase.
Brandon: Ok... OK! You'll get your title shot next week. You against either Ravager or Jade, next week... just give me the briefcase!
Astros smiles.
Astros: Congratulations! You're finally starting to see things my way. You want your briefcase? CATCH.
Astros throws the briefcase at Brandon, but holds onto the last piece of tape holding the case together. As the tape unravels, the case flies open in midair to reveal... the shredded remains of whatever was in that briefcase beforehand. Brandon stands, covered in shredded paper, as "battleflag" plays again and Astros leaves the ring.
JACK JONES: ... And that's how I stopped that 40-year-old man from penetrating me.
BILL HEWSON: That is just seriously disturbing. Anyways, welcome back to the West Edmonton Mall. Up next is one of tonight's highly anticipated matches, Jason Cruise versus Simply Beautiful.
JACK JONES: And we all know who's going to win this one.
BILL HEWSON: Three guesses...
JACK JONES: Jason Cruise!
As the two announcers bicker "The Imperial March" by John Williams hits the arenas speakers, which can be heard all round the mall. The crowd boos and hisses come in loud and clear, as out steps Jason Cruise, holding his trademark chair.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is scheduled for a one fall. Introducing first. He hails from Boston, Massachussets. Weighing in at two-hundred and forty-five pounds and making his debut here in the NAPW, he is JASON CRUISE!!
Cruise rolls into the ring, and cockily smiles to the crowd. Gesturing as if he's a face. As he does so "Stone Cold Crazy" hits. The crowd begins to cheer, as Simply Beautiful thunders out from behind the curtains, ripping off any excess clothing and jumping into the ring, as Cruise rolls out. SB looks on as the referee orders Cruise back into the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, from Staten Island, New York. Weighing in tonight at two-hundred and thirty-five pounds... He is a legend in his own right... He is purely the greatest looking man in the NAPW... SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!
Jason Cruise is still refusing to come in the ring. SB whispers in the ref's ear. The ref calls for the bell.
JACK JONES: But Jason Cruise isn't even in the ring. What is the ref up to?
The referee begins to count Jason Cruise out.
BILL HEWSON: So that's Beautiful's plan. Cruise has to get back in the ring, or lose by count out.
JACK JONES: That's unfair! Cruise should be allowed to start this match on his own terms.
Cruise finally rolls into the ring on the count of seven, dropping his chair, and faces off against Simply Beautiful. They lock up, where Cruise tries to use his slight weigh advantage to shove Beautiful to the ropes, but it fails, and Cruise is sent there himself. Jason ducks under a clothesline and returns with a springboard back elbow off the second elbow.
Before Simply can recover Cruise begins stomping away at his head and neck. He goes off the ropes and hits a falling an elbow drop. He continues his assault on SB before being pulled off by the ref. Jason rolls Simply over and goes for a cocky cover. SB kicks out before the ref even manages the one count. Both the competitors rise to their feet. As they do so they begin to exchange blows. Seeing that he is losing this exchange, Cruise drops to his knees, pleading with SB. Beautiful can't believe his eyes. As he shakes his head in disgust, Cruise low blows him, and Simply falls to his knees.
JACK JONES: Cruise taking control of the match.
BILL HEWSON: This should be interesting.
Cruise rises to his feet, and Izzy kicks SB. Jason takes to the skies, and goes flying with his trademarked Air Cruise. He stumbles back to his feet, before rolling SB up with a schoolboy, but Simply kicks out.
Simply nips up, and starts some heated words with Cruise, who trash talks right back at him. They begin pushing and shoving each other, and return to punching and kicking before Beautiful sends Jason to the ropes and locks in a pain killer. Jason tries to get out of the lock using his other arm, but Beautiful just locks the hold in harder. Somehow Cruise manages to give the NAPW ring veteran a Greco Roman thumb to the eye, causing him to release the hold.
JACK JONES: Some intelligent thinking there from the rookie.
BILL HEWSON: Quick thinking? That's cheating pure and simple.
JACK JONES: Jason Cruise is not the type of person who would cheat! How dare you!
BILL HEWSON: So that blatant low blow earlier, and that thumb to the eye never happened?
JACK JONES: That's just using all the weapons in your arsenal.
BILL HEWSON: *Sigh*
Using this distraction, Cruise manages to escape the ring, and gets the tradition orders from the referee. SB patiently waits for Jason to get back in the ring. Three... Cruise calls for Simply to come and get him, but Simply refuses. Five... Cruise walks up the steps, and enters the ring. As SB approaches Cruise, he is pulled into a bear hug, where Cruise manages to hide a couple of knees to the balls from the referee, but not from the fans, who are booing loudly.
Beautiful manages to wrap his arm around Cruise, and hits a Double Arm DDT. Jason rolls of the ring, and pause for a moment. SB shakes his head in frustration. Cruise taps his head smiling, as if to say "I'm smarter then you." He bends down, pulling something out of his shoes, and quickly rolls into the ring, quickly assuming a martial arts stance, and gestures for Simply Beautiful to bring it on.
Simply Beautiful whips himself off the ropes, and charges towards Cruise, who lands a devastating punch with his other hand. SB staggers back, holding his nose...?
BILL HEWSON: What the hell happened? Jason's punch can't've been that strong, surely?
JACK JONES: Of course it could. Jason Cruise is just that powerful.
BILL HEWSON: Could it have something to do with what Cruise got out of his shoe?
JACK JONES: He didn't get anything out of his shoe. He was just checking to make sure it was on properly. Keep up, Hewson!
Before the referee can do anything, Jason hits Beautiful with the same fist again, felling him. He rolls up SB, and as the ref counts the fall, Cruise uses the ropes for leverage, while sliding whatever he had on his fist out of the ring.
ONE!
TWO!
THR---
Just as the ref's hand comes down for the three he notices Jason's legs on the ropes, and tells him to break the pin. Cruise gets to his feet, and begins yelling at the referee, telling him that he should've won, feet on ropes or not. The ref screams back, saying he must enforce the rules. Neither sees Simply Beautiful is stumbling to his feet, a look of pure fury on his face.
BILL HEWSON: This could be interesting after that near fall, and that mysterious foreign object used by Jason Cruise.
JACK JONES: Who cares? The match is continuing, and it looks like that nasty piece of work, Simply Beautiful is about to blindside Jason.
Indeed he is, Jason gives up arguing with the ref, and turns to SB, expecting him to be still on the mat. But he is standing there, blood dripping from his nose. Without hesitation, and with a huge look of amazement from Jason Cruise, Simply Beautiful hits a Sexykick, with authority. Simply Beautiful rolls Cruise up!
ONE!
TWO!
TH-KICKOUT!
BILL HEWSON: So close! Not many people have kicked out of the Sexykick, after the amount of punishment, Jack Attack.
JACK JONES: Punishment? What are you talking about? Simply Beautiful's the one who's bleeding not Cruise.
Jason Cruise rolls out of the ring for the third time in this match up. He looks up at Simply Beautiful in amazement at what has just transpired. Jason begins to stumble up the walkway, and out of this match. In the ring, SB is furious, but calms down after a few moments. He sizes up the distance between himself and Cruise. The crowd holds their collective breaths in anticipation. "Hey, CRUISE!!" Jason stops and turns around, smiling, striking an "I don't care" pose. Beautiful takes a running jump and takes a flying leap over the ropes landing a flying cross body on Cruise. The crowd lets out a roar of approval at this amazing example of athletic ability. Both wrestlers are down outside the ring.
JACK JONES: That was just plain stupid of him. Beautiful should've let Cruise leave, and left it at that. Now Cruise may just have to beat Simply Beautiful well and truly.
BILL HEWSON: Cruise beat Simply Beautiful? Beautiful's had the advantage throughout most of this match, Jack Attack! Cruise has to cheat to get ahead!
JACK JONES: Not "has to." "Chooses to." There's a difference!
The two competitors slowly and groggily rise to their feet. The referee orders them both back into the ring. Simply Beautiful drags Jason Cruise back to the ring, throwing him shoulder first into the ring post, then into the ring. Cruise gets to his feet, swinging blindly. SB rolls into the ring, and taps Cruise on the shoulder. Jason smiles mischievously, and pulls Beautiful in for a Cruise Control, but it's reversed into Impact DDT. The crowd roars in anticipation of what's coming. The bruised and bloodied Simply Beautiful points to the top rope, and the pack WEM fans roar even louder. Beautiful jumps up onto the top rope. He lets fly with the New York Nightmare! ONE, TWO, THREE----nooooo!
BILL HEWSON: HE KICKED OUT! CRUISE KICKED OUT!
JACK JONES: Well of course. A fine athlete like him is bound do kick out of a soppy finisher like the New York Nightmare!
Simply Beautiful looks up in amazement --- and determination. He wipes some of the blood off his face and flicks it on Cruise.
BILL HEWSON: What does Simply Beautiful have to do to beat Jason Cruise?
Simply Beautiful goes up top again, and hits his second New York Nightmare. He goes for the cover:
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Stone Cold Crazy blares throughout the West Edmonton Mall. Simply Beautiful slowly gets to his feet as the crowd cheers his name.
FRANK WARBURTON: And here is your winner, by way of pinfall... SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!!
Jason Cruise stumbles to his feet as the referee raises SB's hand in victory. The crowd begins to chant "SHAKE HIS HAND! SHAKE HIS HAND! SHAKE HIS HAND!" Simply Beautiful offers his hand as a sign of respect for the newcomer, but Cruise just glares at him and turns away. SB shrugs, hits the ropes in victory.
BILL HEWSON: Call it a show-stealer! NAPW newcomer Jason Cruise and Simply Beautiful just tore it up, but it was SB who came out on top! What a match, what's next for both men?
JACK JONES: ...and that's about the moment I realized, perhaps mixing deadly fire-ants with gasoline and OJ was a BAD idea.
BILL HEWSON: Who knew?
The NAPW fans are buzzing, it's been one hell of a show so far... but there is one more match left. Kick in the guitar, baby.
"Dirty deeds --- DONE DIRT CHEAP!
Dirty deeds --- DONE DIRT CHEAP!
Dirty deeds --- DONE DIRT CHEAP!
Dirty deeds, and they're done dirt cheap
Dirty deeds, and they're done dirt cheap
AC/DC and none other, baby, and the crowd erupts. It's been a long time since the particular wrestler coming through the curtains has graced Edmonton. In a green unitard showing off full-breasts but, unlike diva outfits, practical for wrestling, steps a tall, well-built but still feminine figure. Jade steps through the curtains with a haughty smirk on her face, seemingly enjoying the fan's applause. She steps through and beckons somebody to follow her. The 7-foot tall, 300 pound man-beast Karnage is next. Jade puts a hand to his face with maternal lovingness, and then the two walk to the ring, Karnage sniffing curiously at fans on either side of the aisleway. Jade stands to the ring apron and turns around, holding one arm. She tosses her long blonde hair behind her, still the haughtiness on her face... into the ring she goes, demanding the microphone from Frank Warburton imperiously.
JADE: Well well, it HAS been a dreadfully long time since I've been to Edmonton, hasn't it?
Crowd goes nuts!
JADE: ...not long enough, I would have to say.
Boo. Jade grins evilly.
JADE: Oh come now, so predictable aren't we? Darlings, I know that beautiful women are few and far between in Canada, but what possessed you inbred hicks to cheer for me? "Duh, a big star is coming to our flea market grade fed!" Tsk tsk.
Whatever cheers were there for a famous wrestling name? Gone. BOOOOOO.
JADE: A long time ago, my husband Sean Laughreah said about you fans... you're sheep. Easily manipulatable. Boo me all you like, but with a snap of my fingers (grins) --- or maybe a peek-a-boo cleavage --- you will love me again. It's that easy, sweeties. Now as far as the next twenty minutes go, cheer me, boo me, do whatever you like, but I will soon stand before you the greatest NAPW Champion this two-bit promotion will ever see. I am the most talented, most beautiful and certainly most intelligent female to ever hit the sport and after tonight, well, Ravager... all good things must come to an end.
Jade winks and blows a kiss out to the crowd, who are good and riled up by this point. She hands the mic back to Warburton with the disdain one might have for an empty can of tuna-fish, and then does some final loosening up. Karnage has taken his place near her corner, looking up at his mistress with admiring eyes.
BILL HEWSON: ... I was going to say it's a privilege to have a wrestling legend like Jade in an NAPW ring, and taking nothing away from her ability and legacy... huh.
JACK JONES: We have wrestling royalty in front of us, the TRUE first lady of wrestling! Ravager isn't leaving here tonight with his title, not a chance! Can you believe it, Hewson? JADE is here in NAPW!
BILL HEWSON: She sure is.
Crowd starts quieting down... and then.
One cello.
FOUR CELLOS.
BOOM.
They erupted before, but this time... the NAPW faithful, the curious at the mall, and all the rest, truly and utterly EXPLODE.
The raven-haired Ravager steps through the curtains, looking back and forth over the crowd with focused, brooding intensity. The NAPW title belt is around his waist, gleaming gold against his pale skin and black trunks. He simply walks, never taking his eyes off of the opponent in the ring. The guitar and cellos inter-mingle powerfully as Ravager steps to the ring apron, wiping his feet off before stepping through the ropes. He stares at Jade, then steps to the second turnbuckle and looks over the crowd again.
BILL HEWSON: And this... is... Ravager! What a reaction from Edmonton tonight for the longest-reigning NAPW champion in this promotion's two year history! Let's go to Frank Warburton for the introductions.
"Path" fades out. Each competitor takes the corner as Frank Warburton stands in the center of the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: It is now time for the NAPW "Brawl From A Mall" Main Event! The following contest is scheduled for one-fall at a 60 minute time limit, and is for the UNDISPUTED NAPW CHAMPIONNNNNNSHIP! The official in charge of the bell senior NAPW referee Dick Kiebiech. Now, West Edmonton Mall, are you rrrready?
Introducing first, to my left wearing green...the challenger. She is accompanied to the ring by the Man-Beast Karnage. She is a multiple-time wrestling champion in feds such as DWO... IWA... NWC, and isone of the pioneering females in this sport. She stands six-feet even and this morning weighed in at one-hundred and eighty-five pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, from Your Darkest Fantasies... T THIS! IS! JAAAAAAAAAADE!
Jade raises her arms to the crowd, still wearing that infuriatingly contemptuous smirk on her face. She gets what she wants, which is the crowd's enmity.
FRANK WARBURTON: To my right, wearing black. He is the first ever, and two-time NAPW Provincial Champion. His battles with D!, Chris Casino and Rex Caliber have become infamous in the wrestling world. Standing five-feet, ten inches tall, he weighed in this morning at two-hundred and nine pounds. Tonight, he defends the NAPW Championship for a record tenth time... he is the reigning and record-setting NAPW CHAMPEEEEEEEN... THIS! IS! RAAAAAAVAGERRRRRRR!
Dick Kiebiech has checked over both competitors for any foreign objects, and now asks Ravager for the NAPW title belt. Ravager at last unstraps it from his waist, giving it to Kiebiech with utmost respect. Is it shown directly to Jade, the hunger in her eyes belying her desire for it. The crowd witnesses the title held high...
Ding. Ding. Ding.
BILL HEWSON: This contest is underway, who knows what we will see before the night is through! Jade and Ravager circling one another, you will see a match between two crafty competitors like none other.
Jade and Ravager... tie-up! Ravager ruthlessly cinches Jade down to a headlock, but Jade is quick to back into the ropes and send Ravager off at a run. She unloads a spinning backhand that Ravager is quick to duck, but before he knows what's up, Jade is behind him going for a suplex. Ravager snap-mares Jade over to counter and hauls the beauty up, back suplex but Jade backflips out and lands on her educated feet. She dropkicks Ravager --- swatted away! Jades hits the canvas, Ravager dumps her on the back of her head with the back suplex! Cover gets one, Jade out...
And Ravager cracks the barest hint of a grin, cocking his head towards Jade.
JACK JONES: Now would you look at this disrespect from Ravager to Jade? No wonder Rex Caliber wants somebody else representing NAPW to the world. Honestly.
BILL HEWSON: I think Jade may have thought she would come in here and get a cakewalk. Ravager's letting her know early that he is, indeed... a champion!
Jade is infuriated, and now we've got centerofthering confrontation. Jade is actually taller than the champion by two inches, and you can tell she is enjoying "looking down" at Ravager. We can't hear what she's saying to Ravager, no doubt she is attempted to get into his head and play mind games...
SLAP.
Jade just slapped Ravager right across the face. "Sweetness." Wow. The crowd winces on impact for that... Ravager's head snaps back into position and he stares daggers right into Jade's contemptuous face. He rears back then to slap in return -
But thinks twice about it.
BILL HEWSON: Jade slapped Ravager like the best female in old Hollywood, but I don't think Ravager is quite willing to return the favor.
JACK JONES: Why not? Our "champion" dropped his own VALET on her head last year just to screw with D!, why wouldn't he slap an actual female WRESTLER?
BILL HEWSON: We both know Ravager has changed over the past few months. I wouldn't claim that he has honor, but ... I don't know what I would claim! But I think Jade is trying to goad Ravager into it, and the champion is refusing to rise to the bait. He's not going to play her game.
Indeed, it is head games. Jade seems to cooing now. "Oh, what's the matter sweetness... not sure what to do against a poor little woman?" Ravager never takes his eyes off of her.
SLAP.
BILL HEWSON: Again! Jade is trying to humiliate Ravager! So many times in her career, her male peers would under-estimate this woman, because she was a woman in a man's game. But Jade is very, very adept at using her sex as a weapon... especially if it means playing on sexist prejudices!
JACK JONES: She got where she is by being the best, Hewson, against some of the toughest men in the business! Don't try to sell me some line about how she got there because she was "under-estimated."
BILL HEWSON: By no means did I suggest that. Ask any of the men Jade wrestled and beat decisively as a champion, they'll tell you they gave her whatfor and came up short. All I'm saying is that Jade will use any weapon to her advantage, including mind games... Ravager has wrestled them all, but he has never wrestled a WOMAN like Jade before!
The crowd wants something to happen. They don't care if Ravager hits her. Hell, some classy fans have started up a "slap the bitch, slap the bitch" chant. Sigh. Thanks Edmonton! Ravager inhales deeply, but no, he won't return the favor. Jade winks at Ravager, then brings her hand back one more time for a
SLAP
Caught! Ravager has Jade by the wrist, grabs her other wrist and then spins so he's behind her with her arms crossed, then suplexes the woman! Ocean Cyclone Suplex, Straight Jacket Suplex, call it what you will, but Jade once again got her bell rung. Ravager quickly pulls her up to standing, hooking in a front face-lock and driving stiff forearm shots across her back. Jade struggles, but Ravager snap suplexes her down with sudden impact. He floats over... and goes for The Garrote! Jade has the move well-scouted and scrambles for the ropes. Once again, Ravager has bested her on the mat, and as Jade comes up to one knee the expression on her face is one of murder.
JACK JONES: Oh... I've seen that look on my ex-wife's face before. Ravager's in for it now.
BILL HEWSON: What happened when your ex-wife gave you that look?
JACK JONES: She became my ex-wife.
Jade composes herself and takes her feet again. She gives Ravager a nod, and then --- SLAP --- no! Jade fakes Ravager out and comes in with the other arm, a forearm shot right to the point of Ravager's jaw. Jade throwing one, two, three, four, five forearm shots and driving Ravager right into the corner where she rears back and unloads a knife-edge chop against the bare flesh of Ravager's chest, and can you believe, you better believe, she hits as hard as any man in NAPW. The crowd "WHOOOOS" and then winces, as Jade delivers another hard chop, but Ravager suddenly grabs her and trades places roughly, rearing back...
WILL HE
Jade with a quick boot to the gut as Ravager hesitated for the barest split-second, and the Bitch-Goddess Supreme follows it up with another forearm shot, shooting out of the corner. Ravager staggers backwards and Jade slips behind him, waiting until the perfect moment to deliver a sickening neckbreaker. Ravager sits up, holding his neck, watch out for Jade off the ropes with a seated dropkick to the BACK of Ravager's head. The champion is down and the challenger makes her first cover, she gets two off of that. Jade sits back, both knees on the canvas, and grabs what she can of Ravager's hair to pull him up. She forearms Ravager again, into the ropes, irish whip sends the man rebounding and it's a spinning heel kick that takes him down! Ravager pops up but Jade leaps up his back to his shoulders, spinning around for a sudden huracanrana that sends Ravager all the way to the outside, leaving Jade in the ring demanding the fans admire the display they just witnessed. The referee takes her to task for sending Ravager out, asking her to keep it in the ring. Jade takes umbrage and gets into an argument with Kiebiech...
BILL HEWSON: The challenger using her aerial skills to take advantage of the champion, and oh no! Hey, Karnage, the 7 footer, just grabbed Ravager... gorilla press drops Ravager rib-first across the guard rail! Kiebiech never saw it, Jade's got him distracted!
JACK JONES: Ravager shouldn't have threatened Karnage, the poor guy's just defending himself!
BILL HEWSON: How did he threaten Karnage? Are you kidding?
No, but Ravager is crawling into the ring here... BASEBALL SLIDE. Jade sends Ravager back out to the floor the hard way. Kiebiech telling her to let the man get in the ring, but Jade is shrewd and ensures that her argument with the referee keeps the man from witnessing another Karnage attack. The Man-Beast grabs Ravager and just MANHANDLES him like a rag doll, crushing him with a vicious bear hug before ramming Ravager into the edge of the ring canvas. Ouch. Karnage rolls Ravager back in the ring. Kiebiech sees THAT, and tells Karnage to leave the man alone, before checking on Ravager. Jade reaches through the ropes and gives an affectionate pat to Karnage, causing him to beam, and then Jade licks her lips, smiling like a black widow spider with her prey caught...
She circles Ravager, cat-like, the champion holding his ribcage. Jade toes his hand away, Ravager batting her away, and Jade viciously stomps. The heel of her boot right into the ribcage. Ravager tries to bat her away again, but Jade unleashes brutal kicks with the pointy tips of her boots into the man's ribs. Ravager on his hands and knees, trying to use the ropes to get up, only opened up more for Jade to damage his ribs. Ravager tries to hit a lariat, but Jade easily blocks the slow delivery and hooks a front face-lock for a DDT... no, a rib-breaking drop-down of Ravager's ribs onto Jade's knee! She holds on, popping back up to the vertical base, and THEN plants Ravager straight on his head with the first DDT of the match-up! Cover gets ONE, TWO, Ravager kicks out.
BILL HEWSON: Jade's specialty is indeed the DDT... any kind of DDT, from seemingly almost any position. After that attack from Karnage, Ravager's ribs may be --- must be --- broken. And Jade is taking complete advantage! The NAPW Champion's title reign is in serious jeopardy!
Jade has Ravager by one-arm now... single-arm DDT! And of course, that drives Ravager's chest into the canvas as much as his face. The Champion is curled up on the canvas, both arms crossed over his chest. No doubt, some ribs must be cracked. Hard to breathe. Hard to move when you can't breathe. Harder still to wrestle when you can't breathe. Jade knows it. She steps over Ravager and pulls his arms back, sitting back in a Camel Clutch. Works the neck, yes, but stretches the chest and ribs. More damage. She sits back and pulls. Kiebiech asks Ravager if he wants to give up, he shakes his head no. Jade tosses her head back, blonde hair cascading, but her face shows her true heart: Wrestler. To inflict pain to win a contest.
Ravager refuses to submit, so Jade releases the hold after tormenting the man's ribs just a biiiiit more. He staggers to his feet on sheer guts, Jade lets fly a kick --- Ravager catches her foot! He grimaces through the pain, and for a brief second it looks like Ravager will nail Jade, but he's too hurt to capitalize in time, and Jade catches him in the back of the head with a sadistic enziguri kick. Ravager falls face-first to the canvas, rolling over on his back... and JADE HITS THE ROPES! ASAI MOONSAULT!
ONE!
TWO!
TH---
Ravager kicks out!
JACK JONES: It's just a matter of time, Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: I didn't think when this match began that Ravager would be playing catch-up to this degree, but his ribs are clearly bothering him! He's got to have some cracked ribs, but he must find a way to win or he will NOT be taking the NAPW title overseas in August!
Jade looks momentarily flustered that she didn't put the champion away, but that's fine. It's time. She pulls the man up, T-BONE! IMPALER --- Ravager blocks! Ravager with a fireman's carry take-down on Jade, she quickly gets up and runs off the ropes with a flying headscissors, no! Ravager with a spinning POWERBOMB on the challenger! Jade is seeing stars, Ravager is down, and Dick Kiebiech has no choice but to begin counting both wrestlers out. He's up to three when Ravager starts kicking the canvas. Jade may be out! Ravager is kicking the canvas, an arm cradled to his ribs in pain, but he's crawling to the ropes... trying to get up! SIX. SEVEN. Ravager is getting up... but Jade is come to... EIGHT... Ravager is up... NINE... So is Jade.
and she unloads a chop, but Ravager absorbs it with a roar of pain, returning fire with a vicious headbutt right to Jade's forehead! The challenger stumbles back, dazed, unloads another chop. Ravager's face tells the story of the damage to his ribs, but he grits his teeth and ROARS, delivering another headbutt to Jade! She staggers back, not as quick with her return this time, and Ravager headbutts her again! ONE more time... one MORE time! Jade is woozy, supported by the ropes, and Ravager hauls back!
He cocks an eighth of a grin at the crowd
and CHOPS THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF JADE'S BREASTBONE.
JACK JONES: HE HIT A WOMAN!
BILL HEWSON: Oh for God's sake, you were... never mind. Can you hear that chop echoing all the way down to the Ice Palace?
Jade's eyes go WIDE. Karnage arooos in sympathy pain, growling at Ravager. Jade's mouth opens and closes, she can't believe the impact of Ravager's chop --- or even that he finally did it to her. Ravager looks at Jade, saying "Believe me. I have no problem hitting a woman." A beat. "Or you."
CHOP.
Oh OUCH.
I mean OUCH.
Ravager proved he can outwrestle Jade, he didn't rise to her bait, BUT NOW... Jade is gasping in pain, red welts rising on her chest. It's not that her chops earlier weren't hard. They were. It's just that Ravager's chops are that much harder, and quite frankly, her ample bosom makes it a bit trickier to hit a good chop on her. Ravager doesn't care, he's just attempting to cave in the upper breast bone. Jade stumbles along the ropes, Ravager grabs her around the waist...German Suplex! With a Bridge!
ONE!
TWO!
Jade gets out, but Ravaget turns her over, step-over toe hold into the cravate... Jade is GARROTED!
BILL HEWSON: Can the champion end it here? Jade can't reach out and grab a rope, will she submit? How long can she withstand the pain?
Ravager is wrenching back, wincing himself from the pain in his ribs, but Jade is screaming in pain. Karnage is frantic with concern for his mistress, but there's nothing he can do to help, he knows enough to not get her disqualified... Jade reaches out one way, another way, no ropes. Her hand reaches up...
WILL SHE TAP
CROWD WANTS IT
"TAP TAP TAP TAP!"
THE HAND SHAKES
NO!
Jade crawling, scratching with her fingernails (not the kind of chick who cares about breaking one)...
Reaches out and finally grabs the ropes, ending the agonizing pain.
Ravager holds on for one, two, three, four, then finally lets go. Kiebiech warns him, but Ravager, well, you know. Like he cares. He gives Jade a moment to breathe? No, it's not sportsmanship.
It's hunting. Jade slowly gets to her feet, unsure where she is. Ravager swoops in behind! Full-nelson, LAST RESORT --- Jade shoots her leg back with a low blow! She knew what was coming and did what she needed to do. Ravager sways, and Jade turns around, getting to the second turnbuckle. She leaps off and SPIKES Ravager to the mat with one hell of a Torando DDT! No cover? No cover! Jade with a sudden burst of speed is up on the top rope annnnd... SWANTON BOMB! RIGHT ON RAVAGER'S CHEST! Jade covers
ONE!
TWO!
THRRRRRRavager kicks out!
BILL HEWSON: Just like that Jade with the nearest of falls, but still the champion kicks out! Boy, I don't know how much longer his ribs are going to take this kind of punishment!
JACK JONES: Exactly! Ravager should quit now and still have a career. If he keeps this up, Jade'll make sure he never wrestles again!
BILL HEWSON: I'm sure our esteemed owner would love that, but right now, what matters is the NAPW title! Jade, Ravager, exhausted in the ring, and only one can walk out with the ten pounds of gold!
Jade, hair sticking to her face now, picks Ravager up. She's... uh, she's angry. After screaming at Kiebiech, she irish whips Ravager into the corner hard. He slumps, and then Jade starts kicking at him in a wild frenzy. Ravager ends up seated in the corner, worn out as Jade gets some distance. She looks out at the crowd with a snarl and then CHARGES into the corner, landing on Ravager for a BRONCO BUSTER, known to Jade fans as...
JACK JONES: The Lap Dance, Lap Dance, Lap Dance!
BILL HEWSON: Somehow I doubt Ravager is enjoying THIS Lap Dance, Jade bouncing up and down on the man's chest... god, the humiliation!
Jade relents and gets off, letting the crowd know just who IS the best in this god-forsaken province. Ravager is slowly to his feet, and Jade chops him before sending him running across the ring --- Ravager reverses! He hits the opposite ropes, LARIATOOOOOO
DUCKED
JADE BOOTS THE GUT, T-BONES THE MAN, AND HITS THE IMPALER STRAIGHT TO THE CANVAS!
COVER GETS ONE!
TWO!
THREEEEEEEEEE!
JACK JONES: JADE DID IT! JADE DID IT! RAVAGER'S TITLE REIGN IS OVER! OVER, OVER, OVER ---WHAAAAAT?
BILL HEWSON: Uh, Jack... you better check something.
JACK JONES: What? The time of this momentus title change?
BILL HEWSON: Ravager's foot.
JACK JONES: Why would I want to look at Ravager's foot --- OH NO.
Jade herself thinks she's won, she heard three slaps of the mat. But right as the ref came down for that third slap, he saw out of the corner of his eye Ravager's foot resting on the bottom rope. Jade is demanding the title belt, but Kiebiech is telling her No, the match isn't over! Foot on the rope. "WHAT?" shrieks Jade. She almost looks ready to slap Kiebiech, but she thinks better of it. Having lost all composure, Jade storms over to Ravager, picks him up, RAVAGER WITH AN INSIDE-CRADLE! ONE! TWO! Jade kicks out! The champion almost ended it there, Jade with a vicious kick to the ribs. That's it, IMPALER #2 --- Ravager spins around Jade KATA-HAJIME! KATA-HAJIME! HE BEAT CHRIS CASINO WITH THIS! HE BEAT CA$H WITH THIS! Jade struggles to the corner, she walks up it and shoves backwards to pin Ravager... but he flips and rolls through! He hauls Jade back up to her feet ---
LETS GO ---
LAST RESORT
Ravager folds Jade up like an accordion! His ribs are absolutely killing him, but he throws an arm over Jade for the pinfall and the ONE TWO THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner, and STILL NAPW Champion... RAVAGERRRRRR!
BILL HEWSON: The Last Resort, and that finishes it! What a match! Jade hasn't lost a step, but tonight Ravager proved once again he is a TRUE champion, and he did it for the tenth time! Give a hand to both these competitors!
Ravager gets up, draping the NAPW title belt over one arm. He tries to raise it high, but his ribs protest and he pulls his arms in close. Karnage is in the ring with concern for Jade, helping her up. Ravager leans back in a corner, covered in sweat and holding his no-doubt cracked ribs.
Slowly Jade gets to her feet... She eyes Ravager. She's breathing heavily, slick with sweat herself. One hell of a match. The crowd, their enmity notwithstanding, starts up a "You Still Got It!" chant. Jade looks around, not disguising her disgust. But still, the champion offers out his right hand. Jade looks at it... scoffs with contempt. "Karnage - kill!"
The Man-Beast suddenly has his hands wrapped around Ravager from behind... FULL NELSON SLAM! Ravager gets destroyed. Jade blows kisses to the crowd, who boo as she leaves with Karnage.
BILL HEWSON: Jade sure is a good sport! Hopefully that's the last we see of this "legend" in NAPW rings... nonetheless, Ravager retains the title.
JACK JONES: I could always see more of Jade.
BILL HEWSON: She destroys the sex barrier, and still you make a lewd comment. In any event... Jade was one of the stiffest challenges to Ravager's title reign so far, but for the tenth time, it is Ravager retaining his title. But next week, with only a few days to rest, he will defend it against the dangerous Donovan Astros when we are in Calgary for GET THE HELL OFF OUR LAWN II! This is Bill Hewson for Jack "Attack" Jones saying good night from West Edmonton Mall and "Brawl From A Mall!"
Ravager slowly gets to his feet. He raises the title high in his right arm. He winces and pulls it back down, exiting the ring, holding his ribson the walk back to the locker room. Ten times retained. But next week, rested from this war or not, it will be Donovan Astros coming for the title. Tonight, though, Ravager can rest easy. One more week.
Somewhere, Rex Caliber is enraged.