The NAPW fans are milling about a few minutes to bell-time. The Polish Hall has been PACKED for the final show of 2007, one of the biggest in NAPW's history...
"GIMME BACK MY BULLETS!"
The fans are therefore surprised to hear Skynryd and Kid Rock pick up before the show should start, and even more surprised when RYAN AND ROBERT REBEL storm out of the curtain and head to the ring, demanding a mic.
RYAN REBEL: Yo yo, what's up EDMONTONNNNN! Mebbe ya'll don't know us, but dis is my brother Robert and ah'm Ryan, and we the REBEL BROS...
ROBERT REBEL: Til that REBEL Pro got uppity on our asses and kicked us out, shit, they don't know what they doin'. They need to MAN UP!
RYAN REBEL: MAN UP!
ROBERT REBEL: MAN UP!
RYAN REBEL: But that's okay, because you know what, from now on, we ain't the REBEL Bros, naw! We come up here to Alberta... and we like it. From now on, we ain't REBEL Bros, we ALBERTA BROS! So tell you what NAPW, all you got do to sign the ALBERTA BROS is to give us a tag team title shot, cos we put asses in seats and born to ride gold! MAN UP!
ROBERT REBEL: MAN UP!
Well... the crowd isn't exactly impressed, and here comes Terry Brandon, acting commissioner of NAPW! He has an amused, if irritated, expression on his face.
TERRY BRANDON: First of all let me say, Edmonton, I know it's a little early, but HOW ARE WE ALL DOING TONIGHT? (pop) I just want to thank each and every one of you, from every wrestler in that locker room up to Wahoo Winchell for coming out to NAPW shows, buying your ticket, buying a t-shirt, and basically making sure this company exists!
The crowd cheers, I mean, sure Brandon's sucking up but hell, it makes 'em feel good.
TERRY BRANDON: NOW! Ryan, Robert, The... "Alberta Bros", is it?
RYAN REBEL: Word. MAN UP!
TERRY BRANDON: So you want to join NAPW... but your condition is that you get an NAPW tag title shot right off the bat? Well, I'm pretty sure I laid something similar out last week, but we have a rankings systems in NAPW and wins get you the title shots. Now from where I stand, you haven't wrestled match ONE here in NAPW and that means you don't have any wins. And frankly, I'm not really sure NAPW needs the no-name version of The Briscoe Brothers anyways!
RYAN REBEL: Hey foo, the Briscoe Brothers stole from us! MAN UP!
ROBERT REBEL: Yeah we started manning up before they manned up they pubes!
TERRY BRANDON: I'm not sure exactly what you just said, but I ain't going to argue with you about that. I'm sure the fans can tell the real deal when they see it.
"RIP-OFF, RIP-OFF" comes the chant.
TERRY BRANDON: But I'll tell you what! You know what I'll do, because NAPW gives EVERYBODY a shot... if you guys can win a handicap match right now, a Handicap match, then I'll give you what you want! A shot at the NAPW tag team titles on the first show in January! I'm a man of my word, so if you want it... you can have it right now, the opportunity of a lifetime!
RYAN REBEL: A handicap match? Hell, bring it out, we all manned up!
ROBERT REBEL: MAN---
TERRY BRANDON: Oh for the love of God. Well let me introduce your opponent. He stands six-feet nine inches tall and weighs three-hundred and fifty pounds! He is the biggest, meanest, toughest son of a bitch in NAPW and REBEL Pro... your opponent! KRENSHOOOOOV!
ATTACK! Krenshov comes through the curtain to a loud ovation as the REBEL Bros blanche. They've already had their asses kicked by this man once in the past month! Krenshov hits the ring, Ryan and Robert rush him --- and get double-clotheslined down! They try again, DOUBLE-CLOTHESLINE from Krenshov! He picks up Ryan Rebel... FALLAWAY slam! Which sends Ryan spinning right out of the damn ring. Robert is staggering up, the huge Krenshov hits the ropes and NAILS a RUNNING BIG BOOT. KABLAM! Here comes Ryan, springboards off the ropes --- caught!
SPINEBUSTER!
Right on top of Robert! Krenshov sticks a foot on top of both REBEL... or ALBERTA Brothers and Brandon makes the ONE, TWO, THREE! He rings for the bell and grabs the mic.
TERRY BRANDON: Too bad, so sad, don't let the door hit you on the way out! Security, get these pieces of trash out of here! Your winner, KRENSHOV... and now ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for SOME WRESTLING?
OH YEAHHHHH!
TERRY BRANDON: THEN WELCOME TO BLACK THURSDAY THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: The following match is scheduled for one fall and it is for the NAPW Tag Team Championship. Introducing first, the challengers, weighing in at a combined weight of three hundred eighty-five pounds, Link Van Haggard, Odyssey Baldwin, COAST 2 COAST!
Nirvana begins blaring from the speakers and Link Van Haggard and Odyssey Baldwin appear from behind the curtain and make their way to the ring. While walking down the aisle to the ring they are booed by the crowd, however, it's not the usual amount of boos, it seems that the NAPW team is the crowd favorite in this match. Coast 2 Coast looks determined to bring the NAPW Tag Team titles back to NAPW.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing second, weighing in at a combined weight of five hundred-one pounds, being accompanied to the ring by Rosie Cheeks, representing REBEL-Pro Wrestling, they are the reigning REBEL World Tag Team Champions and NAPW Tag Team Champions, Steven Wylde, Ace Adams, CENSORSHIP AGAINST BAD STUFF!
"Censored Truth" hits the speakers and boos rain down from the crowd as The C.A.B.S. with Rosie Cheeks alongside appear from behind the curtain, draped in two promotion's worth of tag gold. The NAPW fans hate the C.A.B.S. just as much as the REBEL fans. It's evident here tonight when the normally disliked team is the crowd favorite. The C.A.B.S. look determined to keep their titles, and NAPW's rules cater to their tastes. Referee John Sharplin calls for the bell and the match is underway.
BILL HEWSON: The C.A.B.S. come into this match as both the NAPW Tag Team Champions and the REBEL Tag Team Champions. They must be the overwhelming favorites to win, even if the crowd hates them.
JACK JONES: I told you a few weeks ago that C.A.B.S. would make history when they won the NAPW Tag Titles. They're not looking to lose tonight, especially to these high flying idiots!
Link Van Haggard will start off the match for Coast 2 Coast against Ace Adams. The two lock up in the middle of the ring and Ace gains the upper hand using a knee to the midsection and locking in a headlock. Ace tightens his hold on Link, but Link breaks the headlock and sends Ace into the ropes. Ace comes back off the rebound, Link gets down to the mat, Ace steps over him, Link gets up and leans against the ropes, comes back with a flying elbow to the face of Ace Adams. Link sees Adams down and he goes off of the ropes again and tries to land an elbow to the back of Ace Adams, but Ace rolls out of the way and gets to his feet. Both men on their feet, they circle each other in the middle of the ring.
Link tries to land a right hand but Ace, being the technician that he is, blocks the right and gets Link into another headlock. No, DDT in the middle of the ring and Link is down! Ace gets up and tags in Steven Wylde. Wylde comes in and stomps away at the back of Link Van Haggard. He lifts Link up off the mat and whips him into the ropes, and lands a big powerslam! Wylde rolls Link onto his stomach and begins stomping away at his back again. Referee John Sharplin reminds Steven that these are not REBEL rules and Wylde backs off of Link. Link uses the ropes to help him get fully balanced on his feet and then Wylde grabs him by the hand and whips him across the ring. Wylde bounces off the ropes as well and lands a big clothesline sending Link to the canvas.
BILL HEWSON: C.A.B.S. seem to want to cut the ring in half in this match, and so far they have prevented Link Van Haggard from tagging in his partner.
JACK JONES: Damn it, let him tag in the Baldwin! Why? Because he's a Baldwin, he does whatever the hell he wants.
BILL HEWSON: I think that's why the C.A.B.S. don't want him to tag in Odyssey Baldwin.
Wylde scoops Link up off the mat and whips him into the C.A.B.S.'s corner and follows it up with a clothesline. Link is slouched in the corner, only being held up because his arms are over the ropes. Wylde begins to argue with the referee and while John Sharplin is distracted Ace Adams hangs up Link Van Haggard by grabbing him by the neck and then falling off of the ring apron. Link falls to the mat but the referee saw nothing. Wylde lays in with more stomps to the back of Haggard. He lifts Link off the mat again and pushes him against the ropes, and then whips him across the ring again. Link comes back off the rebound and a big spine buster from Steven Wylde. Link is being dismantled in this match up. Wylde goes for a cover.
ONE!
TWO!
Kick out after two. Wylde grabs Link by the hair and brings him to the C.A.B.S.'s corner again and tags in Ace Adams who lays in a right hand to the midsection of Link Van Haggard. Ace gives Link a kick to the gut, doubling him over and tries to land another DDT, but Link breaks out of sending Ace into the ropes. Link lands a couple rights to Ace Adam's ribs and whips him across the ring and lands a drop toehold. Link drops an elbow across the back of Ace Adams and then Ace rolls out of the way. Link whips Ace into the corner and then back across the ring to the other turnbuckle and follows it up with a big jumping splash. Ace comes stumbling out of the corner and Link goes for a bulldog but Ace ducks out of the way and Link goes flying onto the mat. Ace grabs Link by the hair and he tags in Steven Wylde. Wylde enters the ring and clotheslines Link to the mat, then lifts him up from the mat. Wylde lifts up Haggard and lands a scoop slam by the C.A.B.S.'s corner. Steven Wylde begins stomping away at Link's chest, he's stomping a mud hole in Link's chest, and again referee John Sharplin tells Wylde to back off.
BILL HEWSON: Link Van Haggard hasn't seen his corner in so long I doubt he even knows what it looks like at this point.
JACK JONES: The C.A.B.S. are doing a good job keeping that Kiwi down. Keep up the good work guys!
Wylde backs off and Link hoists himself to his feet by using the ropes. Wylde goes back on the offensive and shoves Link into the corner. Wylde sends several shoulders into the midsection of Link Van Haggard. Wylde grabs Link by the hair and whips him into the ropes. No, Link reverses the Irish Whip and lands a desperation back body drop. Link is down and so is Steven Wylde. Link crawls to his corner to tag in Odyssey Baldwin. Wylde gets to his feet... and grabs Links foot! Link is now on one foot as Wylde has the other in his hands. Link is hopping, trying to dive and make a tag but he won't reach his partner from this distance. Out of desperation Link Van Haggard lands a huge Enziguri that sends Wylde down in a heap.
LINK MAKES THE TAG TO BALDWIN!
HOUSE A FAR!
Ace Adams rushes in, but gets sent right back down after Baldwin clotheslines him. Wylde gets to his feet and Baldwin sends him back to the canvas with a clothesline.
BILL HEWSON: Baldwin is cleaning house here! Good thing Link Van Haggard made that tag.
JACK JONES: What did I tell you? He's a Baldwin, I expect nothing less from him.
BILL HEWSON: Who's side are you on, exactly?
JACK JONES: Same as always, my own.
Baldwin whips Steven Wylde into the ropes and lands a back body drop. Wylde is down in the middle of the ring, and Baldwin hops up onto the turnbuckle. Baldwin leaps off the turnbuckle and lands a big splash on Wylde! Baldwin makes a cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THR-Ace Adams breaks it up.
John Sharplin sends Adams back onto the ring apron. Odyssey Baldwin takes down Wylde with a snapmare and sits him up in the middle of the ring. Baldwin follows that up with a swift kick to the spine, and then bounces off the ropes and lands a running neck snap. Baldwin lifts Wylde up off the mat and brings him to the C2C corner. He tags in Link Van Haggard. Double Irish whip into the ropes and Link and Baldwin land big double flapjack and Wylde is down. Link tags Odyssey Baldwin even though he never left the ring, so Baldwin is still the legal man. Wylde is lifted off the mat and whipped into the ropes, Baldwin follows it up with a running splash. Baldwin takes Wylde gives him a knee to the midsection and then tosses him to the mat and then gives him a few swift kicks to the ribs. Baldwin goes to the top ropes. The Californication! He nails it and goes for the cover!
ONE!
TWO! - Rosie Cheeks puts Steven Wylde's foot on the rope and tells the referee.
THR-NO!
Referee John Sharplin notices his foot on the ropes and tells Baldwin. Baldwin goes over to his corner and tags in Link Van Haggard. Link goes over to Wylde and scoops him off the mat. He and Baldwin are still in the ring. A double Irish whip into the corner across the ring, Link then whips Baldwin across the ring into Steven Wylde. Wylde comes stumbling out of the corner and Baldwin whips him back across the ring and Link sends him down with a thunderous clothesline! Link tags in Baldwin legally. Wylde gets to his feet and C2C come running and land a double clothesline, sending him back down after just getting up. Wylde is down, and Link lands a standing moonsault and Odyssey Baldwin follows it up with a leg drop across Wylde's neck.
Link goes out of the ring and Baldwin goes to work. He whips Wylde into the ropes and puts his head down to set up for a back body drop, but Wylde sees it and give him a kick sending him down. Both men are down in the middle of the ring, Baldwin makes it to the corner before Wylde does and tags in Link. Link Van Haggard comes running in and grabs Steven Wylde by the foot and drags him back across the ring. Steven begins to get to his feet, Link bounces off the ropes and lands a big swinging neckbreaker. Wylde is down and Link heads to the top rope, he points to Wylde and then to Ace Adams and then he lands the high flying Bullet the Blue Sky from the top rope!
BILL HEWSON: It's over, Wylde won't kick out from that!
JACK JONES: These guys are crafty they'll come up with something to get out of this predicament. Don't you worry my friend, a couple of high flying idiots won't beat this sound wrestlers.
Link doesn't go for the cover, instead he tags in Baldwin and tells him to go the top rope. Baldwin runs over to the turnbuckle, hops up, and lands the Baldwinizer! He goes for the cover! Rosie Cheeks gets on the ring apron! Odyssey Baldwin confronts her, but here comes Ace Adams from behind. No! Baldwin ducks out of the way and Ace Adams sends Rosie Cheeks flying off the ring apron to the floor! The two C.A.B.S. members roll out of the ring to check on Rosie. Coast 2 Coast are in the ring as referee John Sharplin begins his count, and the two look at each other and simply nod. Link Van Haggard and Odyssey Baldwin come running at the ropes and dive over them taking out the C.A.B.S.! C2C with huge body splashes from inside the ring to the outside and the C.A.B.S. are down! Coast 2 Coast rolls into the ring, John Sharplin continues his count. The C.A.B.S. are up at a count of six. Ace Adams walks towards the ring, but Steven Wylde tells him not to and the C.A.B.S. simply walk away as the ten-count continues. Count out, the C.A.B.S. have been counted out in the match!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winners of the match by way of count out, Link Van Haggard, Odyssey Baldwin, Coast 2 Coast!
The crowd pops... but...
FRANK WARBURTON: However, since the titles can NOT change hands on a count-out, STILL NAPW Tag Team Champions...Censorship Against Bad Stuff!
BILL HEWSON: That damn Censorship Against Bad Stuff! They knew they couldn't beat Coast 2 Coast, and what a cowardly move on their part... getting purposely counted out.
JACK JONES: I told you they were crafty. I told you they wouldn't lose to a bunch of high flying idiots. Okay, so they did lose, but they're still the champions! And at the end of the day, isn't that all that matters?
BILL HEWSON: I hate you. Well folks, it looks like the NAPW tag title belts are still in the hands of an outsider team going into 2008... some team will get them back. They have to!
C2C's music is playing, but neither Link nor Baldwin looks too thrilled. The victory is hollow. CABS head through the curtain with the tag belts still in their possession...
***DVD EXCLUSIVE***
Cut to JOSH REYNOLDS backstage.
JOSH REYNOLDS: I'm backstage where I've received word we have a special visitor, and there she is!
The camera pans over to see a beautiful redhead, in a tight, low cut, short skirt, Mrs Claus outfit. It is of course TEX, the famed manager/valet/tough as nails chick who managed North T. Gunderson, and had an affair with Delivery Man #1!
JOSH REYNOLDS: It look like we've got one of Santa's little Ho, Ho, OOOOH! Tex!!
TEX: Hello Mr. Reynolds. What was that you were saying?
JOSH REYNOLDS: Oh, uh, nothing. What are you doing here?
TEX: Looking for North... I mean Thunder Claus. He forgot his damn pants again this year. Now if you'll excuse me.
JOSH REYNOLDS: There you have it! Black Thursday is once again playing host to a Pantless Thunder Claus. Let's hope our cameras don't see "too much" of him.
Fade out.
JACK JONES: And that's how I ended up buying the cow.
BILL HEWSON: That story will haunt me forever.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is a TRIPLE-THREAT match-up, and the winner will receive a slot in the 2008 CANADA CUP tournament!
A road agent runs to the ring, as Frank leans over the agent whispers something into his ear, Frank nods that he gets the message. He returns to the centre of the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: I have just been informed that this match is also to determine the final TWO roster spots open in NAPW! The man who takes the fall will not be granted a roster spot in NAPW!
BILL HEWSON: That's a surprising addition! But the competition in NAPW is so tough, you have to know this match is seen as a test for each of these newcomers.
JACK JONES: Well they better work on impressing, because one of them isn't going to be back to NAPW in the new year!
"For Boston" by the Dropkick Murphys hits the arenas speakers, and out steps Luke O'Hern. He seems to be one of the faces in this match, but no one really knows him just yet. Luke just seems to be enjoying being out here.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, fighting out of Boston, Massachussetts... He weighs in at two hundred and forty seven pounds... LUKE O'HERN!
Luke steps into the ring, and is patted down by the referee of this contest, Morgan Smythe. As this happens "Holy Diver" by Dio floods the arena.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, from Liverpool, England. Weighing in at two hundred and twenty five pounds... GREGORY ZADE!
Zade calmly strolls into the arena, the British Flag draped around his shoulders. The NAPW crowd isn't too thrilled with this arrogant newcomer, especially after his promo last week in Calgary. They give him some heat as he makes his entrance. Gregory hands the flag carefully over to some of the ring side attendants and steps into the ring.
JACK JONES: I think I might actually like this guy.
BILL HEWSON: Just because he's booed by the fans? He hasn't even wrestled yet.
JACK JONES: I don't care. Anyone who can get a reaction like that without even wrestling is good in my books.
"Hands Down Ghandi" - The Legion of Doom is played and out steps the third competitor, he is the most nervous. He slowly, and cautiously approaches the ring as his fellow competitors in the ring eye each other up suspiciously.
FRANK WARBURTON: And here is the final competitor! Hailing from Ottawa... Weighing in at two hundred and ten pounds... TRENT DANIELS!
The three men are in the ring, and they all look tense. Sensing this, Frank quickly escapes to his seat on the outside. Smythe calls for the bell, and the match officially begins. O'Hern and Daniels tie up as Zade keeps to himself in the corner.
O'Hern uses his reach advantage to beat Daniels into a corner, before T-Boning him back into the center of the ring. Taking advantage of this, Gregory makes a quick cover. He gets only a two from Megan. O'Hern faces Zade in a stare down. This moment lasts for just that, as Zade unleashes a series of lefts and rights to the mid section of the big bad Boston native. Seeing this, Trent tries to get involved, but gets a double boot to the gut, and a Vertical Suplex out of it. The two new found adversaries get back to their duel of fists, trading them backwards and forwards. Megan finally gets between the two, and orders them to use actual wrestling moves.
BILL HEWSON: This match has started off as a brawl. And Megan Smythe is trying to reinstated order into this WRESTLING match.
JACK JONES: Who cares so long as this match comes to a logical conclusion... with Gregory Zade as the victor!
BILL HEWSON: Of course, why didn't I think of that. Dumbass.
JACK JONES: I'm glad you can see my point---hey!
Before this argument can continue, O'Hern hits the third wrestling move of the match, laying out Zade with a Fisherman's Suplex. A quick cover and another two, as Daniels breaks the count. All three men rise to their feet, and are all looking at each other. Zade and Daniels tie up, but this is quickly broken up with a Double Clothesline from O'Hern. Daniels, the fresher of the two downed men, is quickly back to his feet, but is sent over the ropes with a Cactus Clothesline. The two men begin brawling on the outside, as Zade rises to his feet. He backs up a bit.
BILL HEWSON: Zade obviously going for a suicide move! High-risk, will it pay off?
JACK JONES: Well, thank you for stating the obvious. We should change your job title from Play-by-play to Stating-the-obvious.
BILL HEWSON: I'm just trying to call it down the middle, and call it how I see it.
And Hewson is right, Zade lets it rip with a springboard suicide Moonsault on his two opponents. Everyone is down, and everyone is out. Except for Zade, who rises to his feet. He begins stomping away at both his downed foes. He picks up Trent and German Suplexs him into the floor. He picks up Trent, and whips him into the corner post. It's obvious that he's using these tactics to soften up Trent for the pin. Megan who's still in the ring is getting seriously annoyed, and orders Gregory Zade to bring his young charge into the ring to deal with him.
Unfortunately for Megan, Zade isn't particularly interested in listening to the referee's instructions at the moment. Making full use of the No Count rule, Gregory continues his assault. He grabs Trent by the hair, and slams his pretty Canadian face into the guard rail. It obviously doesn't have the effect that he wants, so he repeats this process. Harder and harder, until it finally busts the man open.
BILL HEWSON: What the hell is Gregory Zade's problem? Trent Daniels doesn't deserve this kind of abuse!
JACK JONES: Gregory Zade determines who deserves what kind of abuse and when! Suck it, Daniels!
BILL HEWSON: You're... not even trying to pretend you're impartial.
JACK JONES: Nope! Go Zade Go!
Zade holds Daniels' bleeding busted open face like it's a trophy of some kind. Luke finally inserts himself back into the match, dropkicking Zade gut first onto the guard rail. He drags the Boston fighter back into the ring, hoping to deal with him in a legal manner.
BILL HEWSON: Finally, a wrestling match!
Gregory is back to his feet, but is dealt a bridged German Suplex for his troubles. 1...2.. KICKOUT! O'Hern tries another one, but it's blocked by Zade... Zade's trick knee acts up and he catches O'Hern with a low blow! Zade spins around, GERMAN SUPLEX of his own! He's going to the top rope for the Corkscrew Senton...
DANIELS!
BILL HEWSON: A bloody Trent Daniels is still in this thing!
JACK JONES: Where the heck did he come from --- oh no! Watch out, Zade!
Daniels shoves Zade off the top rope, he splats on the canvas and rolls outside. O'Hern is back on his feet as Daniels gets into the ring, WHAM! Daniels clips him with a jump-up enziguri! O'Hern is down, on the outside Zade is getting up HERE COMES DANIELS! SPRINGBOARD CROSS BODY BLOCK! He just FLOORS Gregory Zade out on the concrete, but Daniels is still up! He leaps to the top rope and nails a corkscrew plancha on a rising O'Hern! One, two, kick-out! They get up, lariat by Zade, ducked by O'Hern, German Suplex attempt! No, Daniels rolls forward and through! SEATED DROPKICK out of nowhere! STANDING MOONSAULT! ONE! TWO! BARELY KICKS OUT! Zade is trying to get his bearings, he's dazed on the outside... meanwhile O'Hern reverses an irish whip. He charges into the corner!
Daniels gets a boot up! O'Hern is staggered! Trent Daniels climbs up the turnbuckle... and what's this? A Tornado DDT?
NO! WHAT A MANEUVER!
BILL HEWSON: He calls that SYSTEMS CRASH! The cover! ONE, TWO, THREE!
JACK JONES: This can't be it! My man Zade's suppose to be the one making the cover on this clown!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of the match by pinfall, TRENT DANIELLLLLLS!
BILL HEWSON: A great come-from-behind performance by Trent Daniels, but a shame that Luke O'Hern is not going to be a part of NAPW.
JACK JONES: Well, as long as GREGORY ZADE is still in NAPW! I have a fever, and the only cure is more ZADE!
"Hands Down Ghandi" plays again as Daniels helps O'Hern back to his feet. Tough break for Luke O'Hern, but a show of respect between he and Daniels as they shake hands. Gregory Zade is heading to the back, apparently sulking by his manner. Sure he's glad to have his job, but he's not happy that Daniels won this match...
Josh Reynolds is standing in the entrance way. Short. Bald. Evil. Ian Smith walks through the curtain following the terrific triple threat.
Ê JOSH REYNOLDS: With me at this time is a man who you may know as the manager of REBEL Pro's Mr. Berzerker, Ian Smith, what are you doing in Edmonton tonight?
IAN SMITH: That's a question I've been asking myself since I hopped on an airplane and flew up to this frozen pot hole!
BOOOO!
IAN SMITH: Thank you, thank you. You're far too kind.
SHUT THE HELL UP! CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
JOSH REYNOLDS: I don't think it's a good idea to insult the great fans in Edmonton!
Cheap Pop! Cheap Pop!
IAN SMITH: Yeah well... You're mother wears army boots!
JOSH REYNOLDS: My mother does NOT wear....
IAN SMITH: SHUT THE HECK UP! This is my time, not yours! Now as self centered as you are JOSH REYNOLDS:, I didn't come here to fight with you. I came here to announce that Ian Smith Incorporated is here in NAPW and open for business!
JOSH REYNOLDS: Ian Smith Incorporated?
IAN SMITH: That's right! I.S.I! Those three letters will be chanted throughout the crowd at every NAPW event from here on out!
JOSH REYNOLDS: And just who is involved in "I.S.I"?
IAN SMITH: You ask too many questions! IS Incorporated is open for business and I will be scouting this sorry excuse of a roster for the most talented, brutal and beastly individuals it has... and when I find them... Oh yes, it's not IF, it's WHEN... The NAPW will bow down to me, beg for mercy and CHANT MY NAME!
BOOOO! "You Suck! You Suck!"
JOSH REYNOLDS: It doesn't look like these great NAPW fans believe you!
IAN SMITH: Ahhh what do they know? They live in Edmonton. Everyone knows that Edmonton is the red headed step child of Canada. Artsy fartsy... BLAH! You people wouldn't know opportunity and success if it smacked you in the face with a bag of oily sand! All I can I say is, NAPW will be changed and Ian Smith will be branded into the minds of wrestling fans world wide! Prepare for warriors, it's time to do battle!
JOSH REYNOLDS: Wait a minute! You seem to be missing that Nordic Giant, Mr. Berzerker... Why is he not with you?
IAN SMITH: This interview is over!
Ian Smith turns away and walks to the back in a huff.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Umm... Thank you? Back to you, Bill and Jack!
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is the Ego Buster versus Egomaniac match.
"Zero" by Smashing Pumpkins hits the arenas speakers, and Dan Ryan comes from out from the Gorilla Position and strolls confidently to the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is the first competitor. Hailing from Huston, Texas. Weighing in tonight at three hundred and thirty five pounds. DAN RYAN!!
Ryan is in the ring now, and raises his hand to acknowledge his name.
BILL HEWSON: I'm not so sure about this man being the fan favorite.
JACK JONES: And why not? He's being cheered by the crowd isn't he?
BILL HEWSON: I've just been reading up on his history and it isn't good.
Before they can say any more Stone Cold Crazy plays through out the arena. The boos are raining down like hail as Andrew Rossi enters the arena. As he walks to the ring, he doesn't take his eyes off of Ryan, and Ryan doesn't take his eyes off of him.
FRANK WARBURTON: And here is his opponent. Hailing from Staten Island, New York. Weighing in at two hundred and thirty five pounds. ANDREW ROSSI!!
Andrew just scows at this, as he rolls into the ring facing Dan. Anthony Uruburu checks them both for weapons, finding nothing he calls for the bell. The match is officially underway, and the two awesome competitors tie up in the centre of the ring. Dan Ryan uses his Strength and Size advantage to whip the Wrestling 101 master to the ropes, trying for a clothesline, but Rossi ducks. Andrew tries for a clothesline of his own. Unfortunately for the veteran Dan unleashes the My Boot to your Face style.
BILL HEWSON: The famous Boot to Face style unleashed.
JACK JONES: And will we see similar styles unleashed by both men?
BILL HEWSON: Uh... probably.
We probably will as Ryan begins stomping away the head of Rossi. He's obviously trying to end this early by decapitating his opponent. Rossi is returned to his feet and has is back snapped with an unreleased Backbreaker. Rossi's spine is in a precarious position. The ref asks if Rossi wants to surrender, but he refuses. Uruburu finally orders Dan to release the hold, and he does so. Dan continues to work on the back, stomping away at it. Uruburu orders him to stop, so Ryan grins evilly and steps on Rossi's back, and walking over him. Andrew screams in pain at this torture.
Rossi is to his feet, but again, not for very long as Dan wraps his arms around the Wrestling Executor's waist, and squashes him like an accordion with a German Suplex. Dan Ryan makes a the cover 1... 2 ... KICKOUT!
JACK JONES: It seems that my main man, the Human Wrestling Machine, is getting unfairly beaten down.
BILL HEWSON: Don't forget, that if Rossi loses this match, he's out of the NAPW for good.
JACK JONES: He won't lose. Just because his record of late isn't exactly stellar, doesn't mean he won't win. In fact it gives him more motivation to beat someone as stupid as Dan Ryan.
BILL HEWSON: Seriously Jack Attack, I am really beginning to doubt your sanity....
Rossi staggers to his feet, holding his back. Dan goes back on the offensive, with a series of lefts and rights, Rossi tries to fight back. He manages to block some of the shots, and unleashes some of his own. He gets the big man reeling. Dan is whipped to the ropes, and is hit with a Lariat, felling the savage beast.
Rossi makes the cover 1... KICKOUT! With authority. Dan is back to his feet. Rossi goes for the kill, trying to lock in a Suplex. Dan hits a devastating Back Body Drop sending Rossi over the ropes and sprawling out to the outside. Dan Ryan quickly follows. Uruburu orders him back into the ring, but Ryan either doesn't hear him or just doesn't care. Both men on the outside and Dan Ryan with the advantage.
Rossi is returned to his feet, and is hit with a release Belly to Belly Suplex into the guard rail, breaking the man in half. Anthony has counted to four. Andrew is back to his feet, and looks in a bad way. Rossi, is whipped face first into the post felling him to the ground.
JACK JONES: It looks like Dan Ryan, may turn out to be victorious.
BILL HEWSON: But not if he gets back in the ring.
Hearing this advice, and the count of seven from Referee Anthony Uruburu, Dan Ryan rolls back in to break the count, only to return to the outside.
JACK JONES: I like how this man thinks. Go Ryan!
The crowd is slowly beginning to boo the big man as he approaches the wobbling figure that is Andrew Rossi. A couple of fans can even be seen ripping up their "Dan Ryan is the man!" signs. But out of nowhere lands the ...
BILL HEWSON: SEXYKICK! SEXYKICK!
JACK JONES: ...
BILL HEWSON: Ladies and gentlemen Andrew Rossi has just unleashed the Sexykick to an unsuspecting Dan Ryan, and for the first time in two years, my partner is speechless with surprise. Could this mark the return of Simply Beautiful?
Indeed it might. The crowd is equally stunned as our announce team. Bleeding slightly from the forehead, and probably running on adrenaline Simply Bea~ I mean Andrew Rossi, rolls Dan Ryan back into the ring, and mounts the top turn buckle and lets fly with the BEST! MOONSAULT! EVER! He makes with the covering already, 1...2...KICKOUT! Andrew, I mean SB, no I mean Rossi is literally thrown off, much to the devastation of the crowd. Andrew Rossi is equally frustrated. Dan Ryan is back to his feet, fury in his eyes, and determination in his fists.
Dan begins assaulting Beautiful, I mean Rossi, with is fists of fury as the crowd is chanting "Simply Beautiful! Simply Beautiful!" Dan pause for a moment, yelling to the crowd "Cheer for me you bastards! This man's finished!" The fans reply in kind, hurling insults at the big man. As he turns back to the match, he is met with the second Sexykick of the night. And again he goes up top. He signals for one of the most legendary finishers in the NAPW. The move made famous by Guerrero and Van Damn, but turned into legend by the likes of Andrew Rossi. Here it is folks --- THE NEW YORK NIGHTMARE!!! The crowd goes wild as it connects, and the leg is hooked for the cover, 1...2 KICKOUT. Trying for another old school Arial attack, and goes for a Swanton Bomb.
BILL HEWSON: That doesn't look right. I think Simply Rossi may have landed on his neck, more then he should've.
JACK JONES: Everyone knows the risks involved in going to the top rope. Never went there much myself back in the day.
Andrew is in the ring, holding his neck gingerly, and it is obviously hurting him. Dan Ryan smells an opening and attacks. He kicks Rossi in the back of the head, aggravating the injury even more, and causing the New York Native to scream out in pain. Anthony tells Ryan to give Rossi some space, but he refuses, stomping away at the back and neck of Rossi.
The ref finally orders Ryan away from Andrew, and allows the man to get to his feet. The Staten Island legend raises his hand in respect to the fans whose "Simply Beautiful" chants are deafening, a single tear runs down his cheek as a "Please don't die!" chant also begins.
Rossi looks to Ryan, a defiant look in his eyes. The tear is still rolling down the cheek. He whips off the rope, hoping to turn this fan support into a decent offence. But it never eventuates, as he is decapitated with a big boot to the face, jarring the neck again. A devilish grin spreads over the face of the six foot seven 300 + pounder. He lifts Rossi into the position.
BILL HEWSON: WHAT IS WRONG WITH DAN RYAN? Andrew Rossi is seriously injured and he doesn't seem to even care! You don't need to do this!
The crowd is in shock and horror, disbelieving seemingly demonic Dan Ryan practically destroys Andrew Rossi's neck with the Humility Bomb. Rossi's body quivers and then, he lays motionless. A lazy cover follows
1...
2...
3.
And it ends, the match, the slaughter, the career of a great man. All over in three seconds.
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner, by way of pinfall. DAN RYAN!!
Instead of cheering the winner, like they should, the crowd is booing and hissing. Popcorn, beer, and other items are being hurled at Dan Ryan, who casually nudges Rossi to see if he's alive. Anthony Uruburu orders Dan Ryan away from his downed opponent. Ryan just stares him down. "Do you know who I am?!" Sensing the tension, Uruburu backs off, but order's medics onto the scene. Leaning out of the ring, Ryan grabs the mike off Frank.
DAN RYAN: Well apparently Edmonton thinks they can boo Dan Ryan. You paid your tickets, you can do whatever you want. Reality check: I don't care. I'm Dan Ryan, I don't need the approval of 600 rednecks in some frozen city.
BOOS.
DAN RYAN: Oh, you don't like that? You don't like what I did to your "Simply Rossi" do you? Well you know what, seeing as how he's fired anyways, I might as well make it a clean sweep! Take notice NAPW, this is what happens when you get into the ring with the EGO BUSTER.
He drops the mic, and picks up his opponent, brushing off the medics and trainers. He is about to lock in another Humility Bomb.
BILL HEWSON: NO! NOT AGAIN! NOT EVEN ROSSI DESERVES THIS KIND OF PUNISHMENT! HE'S RETIRED GOD DAMN IT!!!
Hewson's prayers are answered as out of the locker room storms the one man no one expected. KRENSHOV!!! The hired gun thunders into the ring and proceeds to dismantle his equally sized opponent, thundering lefts, devastating rights. He rocks Ryan over the top rope!
Ryan's up. He shrugs and looks to Rossi's limp body and Krenshov's furious form, then smirks. "I only got paid to wrestle one match tonight, Krenshov." He turns and leaves. The fans are standing, and yelling themselves hoarse. "Thank You Rossi!", "Please Don't Die!", and "Holy Shit!" chants are can be heard through out. Krenshov gestures for the medics, trainers, and EMT's to come and collect the injured combatant. They get Rossi onto a stretcher, and carry him out, accompanied by the seemingly tender big brute. As they leave the crowd gives a standing ovation...
But it doesn't change the fact that Andrew Rossi's NAPW career is over. We don't even know if he'll walk again.
***DVD EXTRA***
Fade in backstage. Mystic Exposition are on the ground stretching before their match. When into frame steps a pantless Thunder Claus.
THUNDER CLAUS: Ho Ho Ho! If it isn't Mystic Exposition! Have you two been good this year? WAIT! Don't answer, Thunder Claus is a busy man and he doesn't have time for some long monologue. I just wanted to let you know that Thunder Claus is a forgiving Claus, and I have something for you.
Thunder Claus pulls out two boxes, one for each of them.
THUNDER CLAUS: Here you go boys. Unfortunately even a Christmas Miracle can't make lightning strike three times. You got lucky twice, but I fear these may be the closest you come to the NAPW Tag Belts again. MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO!
Thunder Claus exits, to spread more Christmas "cheer" to the NAPW locker room. The duo open their gifts to find a pair of Classic NAPW action figures: Stylin' Kyle Roberts and Bruce "The Beast" Richards, The New & Improved D-X complete with replica NAPW Tag Team Title Belts.
Tex runs in, looking amazing in her "Mrs. Claus" outfit, still carrying Thunder Claus' pants.
TEX: You have gifts!Ê He's been this way, where did he go? WAIT, never mind, I don't have time for the answer.
Tex runs off as the camera fades out on a less-then-happy Mystic Exposition.
"Censored Truth" hits and is immediately drowned out by the boos from the crowd. Undeterred by the angry reaction, Adams and Wylde emerge from the back with the tag straps around their waists, Rosie walking between them. CABS hits the ring and call for the sticks, not even waiting for the crowd to quiet before launching into what they have to say - people are going to want to hear this.
ACE ADAMS: Normally I'd have a few things to say about the language I'm hearing out of your dirty Canadian mouths right now, but because of what I'm about to say, I could care less!
STEVEN WYLDE: Which doesn't mean you still shouldn't all SHUT IT!
ACE ADAMS: You see, as double champions, myself and Steven have complete control over the tag division. We are tag team wrestling, and that means that we get to make a few decisions. And the first decision we've made is that we're taking these NAPW belts right back home to the United States, where they can finally enjoy living in a real country.
Deafening roars from the home-town crowd - which is everyone.
STEVEN WYLDE: Don't like it? Don't care!
ACE ADAMS: Listen up, because you're going to like this even less - after the events of the past couple of weeks, we have made a resolution. Not only are we taking these belts to the USA, we are staying there!
JACK JONES: What are they talking about, Hewson? The NAPW needs CABS to really go places! When will they be back?
ACE ADAMS: I'm not talking about a vacation, either. Censorship Against Bad Stuff are leaving and never coming back to Canada. Ever! So say goodbye to your titles, you perverts, because you're never going to see them-
"When it's time to party we will party hard!"
Explosion!!! from the crowd and from the back as Mystic Exposition burst onto the scene with mics already in hand to interrupt the immediately irate CABS.
JACK JONES: First CABS are leaving and now we have to deal with these guys? Could this night get any worse?
ACE ADAMS: What are you freaks doing? This is our time!
EXPOSITIONER: Many millennia ago...
MYSTIC NINJA: No time for that now, chum! We are here to challenge you! Mystic Exposition cannot allow you to leave the NAPW with your ill-gotten gains. You will face us in honorable combat and we will defeat you!
STEVEN WYLDE: You forgetting who we beat down to take these belts in the first place? Why don't you come down here and-
ACE ADAMS: No, no, no. Don't let them get under your skin, Steven. I've had enough of this, let's get out of here.
CABS walks towards the ropes.
BILL HEWSON: Of course, they don't want any part of a rematch. They're just going to leave with OUR damn title belts!
JACK JONES: But, but... they're the good guys!
BILL HEWSON: Snap out of it, Jack! Hang on! Is that... Terry Brandon is out here!
TERRY BRANDON: Hang on just a second there, fellahs. Mystic Exposition wants a title shot?
Mystic Exposition nod vigorously and point towards the ring.
TERRY BRANDON: And the fans want to see a title shot?
The roar from the crowd says that they sure as hell do.
TERRY BRANDON: Then I say we have a title shot!
CABS shakes their heads no and again begin to exit the ring.
TERRY BRANDON: I also say that if Censorship Against Bad Stuff refuses to compete, then they'll forfeit the match... AND the belts! Now ring that bell!
Mystic Exposition charges towards the ring as the stunned team of CABS moves slowly back into the ring. The bell sounds just as ME slide under the bottom ropes - and are immediately met with a series of stomps by the quickly recovered CABS. Adams grabs the Expositioner and slings him into the corner while Wylde continues to pummel Ninja on the ground. Adams finally drags Mystic Ninja up as across the ring Steven Wylde pulls Expositioner out of the corner. Simultaneous Irish whips! Mystic Exposition reach out as they pass each other... do-si-do! ME fly back and TWIN BUTT BUMPS! Wylde and Ace are knocked disgracefully out opposite sides of the ring by the twin hip attacks of Mystic Exposition! And they're not done there, rushing back to the center of the ring for another momentum-tastic do-si-do. Mystic Ninja over the top with a suicide dive headscissors that sends Ace Adams careening into the ringside barrier! Expositioner over the top with a suicide dive... nothing but air as Steven Wylde steps out of the way! Wylde into the ring! Mystic Ninja into the ring! We've got ourselves an official-like start to this match with two, count 'em two, legal men!
JACK JONES: Kill him, Wylde! I mean, go, ugh, Mystic Ninja, keep those belts where they belong! Arrrgghhh!
BILL HEWSON: You alright there, Jack Attack? Hey-oh, Wylde doesn't look happy!
Indeed he doesn't as he charges across the room and decapitates Mystic Ninja with a clothesline. Or he would if the crafty Ninja didn't duck out of the way at the last possible second! Ninja spins around and plants his boot in Wylde's stomach, driving him into the corner. Ninja gets a running start and Steven Wylde eats boot courtesy of the Kabuki Kick! Wylde stumbles forward and falls on his face, quick pin by Mystic Ninja.
One!
Two!
POWER out!
Mystic Ninja nearly reaches the ropes as Wylde hurls him off, and both men are back to their feet. Ninja into the ropes immediately and barely budges Steven Wylde with his return clothesline. Wylde flexes, straining his starched white shirt and points to the ropes again. Ninja sizes him up and then delivers a sneaky ninja kick to the inside of the knee that staggers Wylde before hitting the ropes again. Ninja back with a full head of steam and FLATTENED by a shoulder block from Wylde!
BILL HEWSON: Love him or hate him or really really hate his ugly face and stupid shirt, you have to admire the power that man packs!
JACK JONES: You have to love him, Hewson! He's doing what's best for all of us! By... taking the titles... to the United States? That doesn't make - ahhh - get up Ninja! Save those belts! I hate this!
Mystic Ninja slowly up to all fours, still shaking off the impact of that simple but powerful blow. Wylde isn't waiting around, seizing the Ninja by the back of the shirt and the tights and hauling him bodily off the mat. Wylde takes a few running steps and hurls Ninja between the second and top turnbuckles, driving him shoulder-first into that deadly steel ringpost. Wylde turns away and raises his arms to a chorus of boos and fails to see the Expositioner climbing up onto the apron. Easy to lose track when both partners are on the floor, but he just planted Ninja in his own corner! Expositioner tags himself in as Ace Adams crawls up onto the apron on the other side of the ring. Wylde spots him, turns slowly around and EATS what?
"X-POUND!"
You heard it from the man himself, Expositioner shouting as he lands the springboard Lou Thesz Press! Expositioner pounds away with rights and lefts, calling out each hand before driving it into the side of Wylde's head. Wylde starts to cover up, shifting his arms to catch the blows as Expositioner calls them out. "Right!" Right hand! "Left!" Left hand! "Right!" Right hand! "Left!" Right hand! What? It catches Wylde by surprise to as he gets a chinful of knuckles trying to protect his left side.
JACK JONES; That liar! I mean, hit him again! Worst day ever, Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: You heard it here first, Jack Jones rooting for Mystic Exposition!
JACK JONES: You shut your mouth!
Steven Wylde finally manages to get away from the fists of fury and rolls all the way to the outside. He grabs Ace Adams and the two wave off the ring, the match, and Mystic Exposition as they circle the ring and begin to head towards the back, Rosie in tow. The referee reluctantly begins to count them out of the ring.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
BILL HEWSON: Brandon said they'd forfeit if they didn't compete, but now that they've competed can they be counted out?
JACK JONES: Again? Brilliant! I mean terrible!
Five.
Six.
Seven!
The crowd is making their disapproval known in thunderous manner, and the ref stops at seven with a torn look on his face. Finally he rolls out of the ring and speaks quickly to Frank Warburton at ringside before getting back into the ring. He doesn't continue the count and CABS begins shouting back towards the ring, gesturing for the complete ten.
FRANK WARBURTON: The Referee has declared that if CABS are counted out, they WILL lose the titles!
CABS are FURIOUS, stomping their feet and screaming that he can't do that. Shaking his head, the ref raises seven fingers then brings his hands down.
Eight!
The CABS realize their predicament and begin hauling behind back towards the ring as the crowd gleefully counts along.
NINE!
TE - Ace Adams slides into the ring just before the count can finish. He raises his arms in victory and then tastes elbow as Expositioner shows him the point. Adam stumbles back into the ropes and Expositioner hauls him by the arm into a whip across the ring. Reversed! Adams yanks Expo back around into a raised knee to the gut. Front facelock, he's up and he's down as Adams shakes the ring with a violent brainbuster! Ace spins around into a lateral press, hooking the leg.
One!
Two!
Mystic Ninja breaks the pin with a diving elbow! Adams up to his feet and shoving Ninja back into the corner, leaving Expositioner laying on the mat alone. But not for long as Steven Wylde steps between the ropes and stalks towards the downed member of Mystic Exposition. And where is the ref? Trying to deal with an apparently hysterical Rosie who is up on the ring apron shrieking about something.
BILL HEWSON: Just like against Coast 2 Coast, Rosie is giving her guys the unfair advantage!
JACK JONES: She's a lady in distress, Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: She's about to be!
Why? Because here comes Manny X, all a-lather after the lovely brunette, right out of the crowd! It takes a moment for Rosie to realize just who is coming her way, but when she does whatever problem she was having with the ref is gone in an instant - and then so is Rosie. With Manny X in hot pursuit, Rosie runs as if her life depends on it! The ref turns back to the ring just in time to see Wylde DRILL the Expositioner with a earth-shaking powerbomb. He wrangles the power man of CABS back into the corner, but the damage has already been done. Ace Adams lays in a few more stiff right hands on Mystic Ninja in the corner then hurls him over the top rope to the unforgiving ringside floor. Adams struts back over to the downed Expositioner, dropping into a casual pin with a big title-retaining grin on his face.
One!
Two!
Thr-shoulder up! Expositioner just gets his shoulder up and Adams looks furious. Ace drags Expositioner up to his feet and calls for the end - Fully Censored! He's got it locked, pulls Expositioner back and... Expositioner ducks out before he can get his face planted on the canvas. He's got the arms wrapped from behind Ace Adams and that means it is time for the X-Plex! It hurts as much as it rhymes, and it rhymes a TON! Adams folded up like a cheap lawn chair! Expositioner down again, still feeling the effects of the Wylde powerbomb! Wylde leaning over the ropes and calling for the tag, Mystic Ninja back on the apron and doing the same. Who will reach the corner first! Adams crawling, pulling himself arm over arm towards the corner like he's going through a field of barbed wire! Expositioner stirring, rolling slowly over and staring at his partner who might as well be a million miles away. But Mystic Exposition has free long distance with Verizon! Adams closer! Expositioner dragging himself towards the corner. Adams almost there! Expositioner stretches, stretches... Adams makes the tag! Wylde across the ring in a flash to grab the boot of Expositioner and haul him away from the corner. Expositioner hopping on one leg and FORWARD ROLL! Wylde goes face first into the turnbuckle! Expositioner leaps and makes the HOT TAG! Ninja into the ring like a HASSAFIERRR! Back-spinning chop to the throat of Ace Adams. Pele kick to the forehead of Steven Wylde! Dropkick sends Ace Adams right over the top rope to the outside! Spinning back kick doubles over a dazed Steven Wylde! Ninja into the ropes, flying back SPEAR! SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR! Mystic Ninja's intestines get a free trip to Throat City, courtesy of Wylde CABS.
JACK JONES: Hey, Hewson?
BILL HEWSON: What, Jack, what!? There's a hell of a match going on!
JACK JONES: Yeah, I know but... doesn't Mystic Exposition already have a match scheduled tonight. Against SAD?
BILL HEWSON: ... Huh.
Wylde is motion for Ace Adams, who still looks a little worn down in the corner. Not too much for this though! Adams gets tagged in by Wylde and the two stomp a few times on Mystic Ninja for good measure. Expositioner starts to come into the ring but he gets railroaded by a charging Wylde, sending him sprawling on the apron, half-dangling on the verge of falling to the floor. Ace Adams wraps Mystic Ninja up tight in the center of the ring with a bearhug! Wylde hits the ropes behind Adams and flies back with his arm cocked to finish Mystic Ninja with the Censor This! Ninja comes to life! Claps Ace's ears and drops out of the bearhug just in time to feel the brawny arm of Steven Wylde whistle over the top of his head. Jaw jammer to the stunned Adams! Wylde comes flying back and gets caught in the Mystic Cyclone! That isn't a cow going by, Wylde, it's the turnbuckles! Wylde caught up in the corner, Ace down in the center of the ring... Mystic Ninja staggers to the corner and motions to the Expositioner - X-TERMINATE! The crowd goes breadfruit! The ref checks on Adams as Expositioner runs across the apron and leaps to the most precarious perch in the ring, Mystic Ninja climbing to the adjacent turnbuckle! They both turn and spread their arms, but Adams reaches up and grabs the ref by the front of the shirt, pulling him in the way. Expositioner stops himself before flying into a massive collision and Ninja leaps down to the canvas, but that gives Wylde the time he needs to shake the ropes! CROTCHED is the Expositioner, and every male in the building goes cross-eyed with him. Ace Adams and the ref are still tangled as Wylde makes his way across the ring to the stunned Expositioner. Wylde climbing the ropes in front of the Expositioner, and this could be the end for Mystic Exposition and the NAPW tag titles.
BILL HEWSON: I don't know if the ref even knows who the legal man is at this point, but if Wylde hits whatever he's thinking of here, I don't think it will matter much!
JACK JONES: But they're OUR tag titles!
Steven Wylde lifts Expositioner up to stand on the top, hooking him for the superplex! He grabs the tights and OUT OF NOWHERE! Mystic Ninja runs all of the way across the ring rope to plant a dropkick in the side of Steven Wylde! Wylde SOARS out of the ring and CRASHES into the ringside barrier, nearly collapsing the whole structure. Expositioner falls back to sit on the top turnbuckle, more gently this time, as Ninja lands back in the ring and sprints at Ace Adams just as he separates himself from the ref. Front dropkick right to the kisser FLOORS Ace Adams and suddenly the building is filled with the thunder of stomping feet and the overwhelming chant of "M! E! M! E!" as the crowd realizes just how far the tables are turning. The ref gets well out of the way this time as Mystic Ninja runs and leaps back up into the corner. He shoots a look and points with both hands at the Expositioner on sitting on the adjacent turnbuckle. The Expositioner struggles to rise, the window of opportunity closing as Ace Adams slowly gets back to his feet. Who will reach the critical point first? Adams up to one knee. The ring shaking as every foot in the building stomps in tandem. Expositioner pushing, pushing... Expositioner SPRINGS up and lands standing with a foot on either side of the turnbuckle!
"Bingo!"
The roof nearly comes off the place as the crowd answers:
"TANGO!"
"X-TERMINATOR!"
Ace Adams has a full six-course banquet of X-TERMINATOR served up fresh right in the center of the ring! Adams down! Wylde out on the outside! Expositioner grabs Ninja off the mat by the back of his shirt and his tights! Ninja pushes himself up into the air and Expositioner slams him down right on top of Ace Adams! The ref counts and Expositioner and the whole crowd count with him!
ONE!
TWO!
THREEEEEEE!
BILL HEWSON: They did it! Mystic Exposition did it! Three-time tag team champions!
JACK JONES: I don't know whether to laugh or cry! Ah hell! MYSTIC EXPOSITION SAVES THE NAPW TAG TITLES! WHOOO!
FRANK WARBURTON: And the winners of this match and NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS.... Mystic Ninja and The Expositioner... MYSTIC EXPOOOOOSSSIIIIITIIIOOOON!
"Let's get a party goin'! Let's get a party goin'!"
The building is rocking and rolling to Andrew WK as Mystic Exposition hit the corners and heft their newly won belts high! CABS HAVE BEEN VANQUISHED! THE TAG TITLES ARE BACK IN NAPW!
...and ME still have to wrestle SAD later tonight!
WITH APOLOGIES TO STONE ZELLOR, DEZ CARTER and EL REY de CORIZONES.
A proper match will replace my booking notes sometime laterl...
-Heritage Title-
Dez Carter d. Stone Zellor (DQ)
*Bubbles comes to the ring with Stone
*Match starts as a babyface deal, Stone seems kind of... off though.
*El Rey de Corizones, with his valet, comes out to scout Dez Carter and take in this match
*Good long match that sees Stone get increasingly frustrated with his inability to put it away, leading to him putting his feet on the ropes to try to get a fall, ref catches him.
*Basically, Stone can't beat Dez, and though he keeps kicking out, it's clear that Dez is on the road to victory. Signals for Go 2 Sleep... HITS IT! OVER! ONE --- TWO ---
*BUBBLES pulls the referee out of the ring to break up the fall! WTF? Asuka jumps in the ring and goes after Bubbles, who gets out of there. Dez catches Bubbles when she runs back in, and tells Asuka to back off. Bubbles slaps Dez, he catches her hand. What the heck is she doing?
*And then, with Dez's back turned, Stone has gotten up, belt in hand. Asuka shrieks a warning, but too late. Dez turns INTO THE HERITAGE BELT TO THE FACE. DQ! DQ! Bubbles wasn't just "acting alone!" Asuka drapes over Dez in horror, and Stone grabs around her waist to force her off...
*El Rey de Corizones has seen enough! He gets into the ring and tells Stone (in spanish and body language) to hit a MAN if he wants to fight! Stone looks ready to fight El Rey, nah, he bails out of the ring. Bubbles raises Stone's arm at the entrance way (Dez wins by DQ, Stone retains).
*The crowd just hates Stone. The Heritage Title has brought on this madness... Stone never wants to lose it again. It's his precious.
*Dez and El Rey with a shake of hands and respect to close it out.
The swingin' Motown sounds of The Supremes' "Santa Claus is Comin" fills the arena. Snow sprinkles down from the rafters as Thunder Claus (still pantless) enters, with a bag full of goodies for the audience. He's followed quickly Tex, still dressed as Mrs. Claus, still trying to get Mr. Claus his pants. Having reached the ring, she drops the pants (too late now) and starts passing out more presents.
Thunder Claus climbs the ropes and starts tossing more presents to the back rows, while giving the front rows a better view then the were expecting (or really wanting). Finally, Claus grabs the microphone...
THUNDER CLAUS: Are... you... ready for Christmas? I said ARE YOU READY FOR CHRISTMAS!? Then... for those in attendance, and millions of kids around the world... Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages... The holiday season is proud to bring to you, the Christmas Icon of the WOOOOOORLD! IT'S... THUNDER... CLAAAAAAAUS!
TEX: And if you ain't down with Christmas, we've got 2 words for ya...
BOTH: HAPPY HANUKAH!
"I AM THE MAN!"
The crowd turns their heads as, to their great surprise, STYLIN' KYLE ROBERTS comes out of the entrance way, dressed to the nines! Black suit, mustard shirt, but what the hell's with the tie? A green and red Christmas tie with a yellow shirt? Oh, Kyle. Why?
Roberts hits the ring as the crowd gives him a nice pop, then asks for the microphone from Thunder Claus.
STYLIN' KYLE: Hello "Thunder Claus"... oh, and HELLLLLLOOO Missus Claus!
Tex puts her hands on her hips, rolling her eyes.
STYLIN' KYLE: Now I know none of you expected to see me again, hell, you didn't think you could get Christmas twice in one December. But since I was up in the area, I thought I'd take a little break from Carolina and vist some family, old friends and old haunts, and of course, eat the biggest steak in Edmonton. Ruth's Chris steakhouse, the 40 oz Porterhouse for two, but barely satisfying for a Roberts! Fortunately, I met up with my waitress later that night in a special "Dinner for two," and believe you me, both of us were PLENTY satisfied in the morning. (Kyle holds up his hand.) Three times satisfied, if you catch my drift.
Kyle looks around the crowd, who are rolling their eyes at him.
THUNDER CLAUS: Ho ho ho! Of course you can, Stylin' Kyle! HO HO HO!
STYLIN' KYLE: Great. So North...
WHY IN THE BLUE HELL AREN'T YOU WEARING ANY PANTS?
Bwahahahaha.
TEX: Well, I *tried*, but...
THUNDER CLAUS: Oh Kyle, don't you worry about my pants or the lack thereof. In fact, I was hoping I'd see you here tonight, because I have a present for you!
STYLIN' KYLE: Wow, really? A present for me? Is it... Turkey Jerky? I loves me some good jerky!
THUNDER CLAUS: Ho Ho Ho! Better! Tex, give Kyle his present!
Tex pulls out a beautifully wrapped box from the gift bag. Kyle actually looks touched. He opens it up... and scowls.
THUNDER CLAUS: It's the body-wax five-thousand, Kyle! It's good on all levels of body hair from "chia pet" to "Chewbacca!" I think you might need to spring for the additional "Sasquatch" supplement package, though. HO HO HO!
STYLIN' KYLE: North, I don't know what to say...
THUNDER CLAUS: Oh, that's okay, I'm just doing my job HO HO HO ---*
STYLESKICK!
STYLIN' KYLE: Tex... will you PLEASE put some pants on him before he wakes up? Merry Christmas, Edmonton!
Thunder Claus is splayed out in the center of the ring as Kyle, shaking his head in disbelief, exits the ring to Philosopher Kings. Tex retrieves the santa pants, but honestly, she doesn't look too interested in getting that close to ... uh... lil' North. She dumps the pants over Thunder Claus's crotchal region and exits the ring herself. Jingle Bells starts playing. Or perhaps that's just what's circling Thunder's head!
Frank Warburton has the mic, and prepares the crowd for the next match.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for one fall, and it is a NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH, with the added stipulation that the loser of the match must leave the NAPW!
"Surprise! You're dead!"
Faith No More can barely cover up the boos of the crowd as Jake Phoenix emerges from the curtains. His Oakleys may hide his eyes, but you can't hide the hate, the lack of remorse, or the sheer determination the man has...
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. He weighs in at two hundred and eighty nine pounds. He is "The Murder City Devil" JAKE PHOENIX!
Phoenix steps over the top rope into the ring, removes his sunglasses, and stares daggers at the ring entrance, waiting for his opponent. The fans start cheering as Phoenix's music fades out, waiting for the four cellos to start. But tonight they get something different. Some foreboding piano keys...
"Declare this an emergency
Come on and spread a sense of urgency
And pull us through
And pull us through
And this is the end
This is the end of the world"
Muse's "Apocalypse Please" brings Ravager out tonight. As promised, he's dressed in white. The former NAPW champ barely notices the fans reaction. He locks eyes with Phoenix and marches to the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, from Brooklyn, New York! He weighs two hundred and ten pounds! He is the Shooter, The White Collar Assassin, The Last Resort: This is RAVAGER!
Phoenix and Ravager meet center ring, but exchange no blows. Referee Dick Kiebiech is there to make sure nothing happens before the bell. Phoenix is talking smack. Ravager has an icy glare on his face. The fans are ready for a fight. Kiebiech calls for the bell...
And they're off! The two men trade punches centre ring, neither willing to back down! Phoenix uses his size and strength to try and drive Ravager back, but Ravager delivers a stiff kick to Phoenix's knee, then headbutts the big man right in the solar plexus! Phoenix staggers a bit, and Ravager scores a double leg takedown! Ravager gets into a mount position and starts to drive his knuckles into Phoenix's brow, trying to draw blood early. Phoenix tosses Ravager off, and goes for a big boot... Ravager ducks it, taking Phoenix down with a leg whip. Again Ravager tries to pound on Phoenix's forehead, and again Phoenix tosses him off. Ravager gets to his feet, and is met with a boot to the gut. Phoenix hauls Ravager up and slams him hard to the mat! He goes for a cover! One... two.. Ravager kicks out, and the fans breathe a sigh of relief. Phoenix starts to lay in with some boots to his downed opponent. Ravager tries to cover up, but he can only hold Phoenix off for so long. Finally Ravager rolls out of the way, and slides out of the ring. Phoenix is quick to pursue. Ravager throws a right hand, and Phoenix easily blocks it. A smirk crosses the Murder City Devil's face as he prepares to...
Ouch. No holds barred, and a foot to the groin is nice and legal. It's Ravager's turn to smirk as Phoenix doubles over. Ravager lays in with a series of stiff forearms, Phoenix pushes him off, Ravager comes back with a STIFF Headbutt! A collective wince from the front row fans who heard the impact! And the first trace of blood can be seen on Phoenix's head. Ravager locks on a side Russian Leg Sweep, and takes Phoenix into the guard rail! And now Ravager is back trying to draw more blood from Phoenix's forehead! Phoenix is really starting to bleed now, and Ravager is relentless... Phoenix picks Ravager up, and rams him into the ring post! He doesn't drop him, just rams him again! And again! Ravager getting his back pounded, and all the air knocked out of him! Phoenix is not quite in the crimson mask phase, but he is looking rather grim. Phoenix drops Ravager to the ground, then grabs a steel chair. He measures up the former champion, and lays a stiff shot across Ravager's back! That one gets an "Oooo" from the crowd! ... The second one gets a groan, as people can see the welts forming on Ravager's back. Phoenix tosses the chair into the ring, then Ravager as well. He goes for a cover, but only gets a two count. Phoenix doesn't look so much surprised as he is disgusted with himself for not finishing the job earlier. He grabs Ravager by the back of the neck and tries to drag him up... Ravager with a small package! One... Two... Phoenix kicks out! He is quick to his feet, and tries to clothesline a rising Ravager, but Ravager ducks, hits the ropes, and comes back with a roaring elbow! Phoenix doesn't go down! Ravager hits the ropes again, and comes back with a flying forearm! Phoenix still doesn't go down! Ravager hits the ropes again, and stiff European Uppercut! Phoenix teeters, but won't go down!
That's when Ravager grabs the chair. And puts the "No Holds Barred" Stip to work.
CRACK
Ravager nearly bends the chair over Phoenix's head! Ravager then drops the chair to the mat, boots Phoenix in the gut, and plants the Murder City Devil face first into the chair with a DDT! Ravager with a cover! One... Two... Phoenix gets a shoulder up! Ravager wraps his legs around Phoenix's neck, trying to get a vise grip on his opponent, and cut off the blood supply. Phoenix can't break the hold, but manages to fight his way to his knees... then he hauls Ravager up and powerbombs him to the mat! ... But Ravager somehow manages to keep his legs locked around Phoenix's neck. Phoenix picks him up and slams him again! And again Ravager does not let go! But Phoenix is smart, making sure Ravager's shoulders are on the mat! Kiebiech counts the pin! One... two... Ravager is forced to let go. His white tights and knee pads are now red with Phoenix's blood. Phoenix's forehead is pouring out the crimson, but that does not seem to be stopping him. As Ravager gets to his feet, Phoenix clubs him across the neck with a big forearm. Before ravager can respond, he's picked up and dropped throat first across the top rope! Ravager struggles for breath, and Phoenix grabs the chair, and drives the end of it into Ravager's throat! He puts all his weight onto the chair, trying to crush Ravager's windpipe! Kiebiech is powerless to stop this, and Phoenix is yelling "Ask if he wants to tap!". Ravager can't speak, but doesn't tap out. Phoenix yells "I'm not letting go until you (BLEEP) tap, you son of a bitch!" Ravager is too far away to reach for the ropes, so he does the only thing he can do..
Plants his knee right between the uprights. Phoenix understandably relents, and Ravager looks disgusted with himself for resorting to a low blow twice in the same match. But all disgust is gone when he sees opportunity arise. Phoenix is hunched over in the corner turnbuckles. Ravager drives his knee into Phoenix's lower back, driving the Murder City Devil to his knees. Ravager pushes Phoenix's face into the turnbuckle then
STOMP
Ravager with the Silencer! He goes for a cover, but fails to hook the leg, and only gets a two count. Realizing he needs to put the big man away now, he goes to the top rope, looking to hit his Diving Headbutt! He leaps off the top rope, and sails through the air...
but Phoenix rolls out of the way. Ravager crashes face first into the mat. Phoenix takes a second to gather himself, then goes after his fallen foe. He drags Ravager up then hits a short arm clothesline, driving Ravager to the mat. He drops an elbow, then covers! One... two... Ravager gets a shoulder up! Phoenix glares at Kiebiech, then picks Ravager up. He sets him up for a powerbomb. He has Ravager up in the air... but instead of driving him to the mat, he tosses him over the top rope and through the announcer's table! Hewson and Jones scramble for cover as Ravager crashes through the table! The fans in the front row look on grimly, as it doesn't appear that Ravager will be back in 2008. Phoenix doesn't waste time to admire the carnage. He doesn't play to the crowd, He goes right to the wreckage and drags Ravager back to the ring. Ravager is busted open, and is not moving. Bill Hewson is trying to see if Ravager is okay, but gets shoved aside by Phoenix. Jack Jones wisely gets out of the way as Phoenix harshly pulls Ravager to his feet, and tries to toss him into the ring. Ravager slumps to the floor as soon as he's pulled up, however. Phoenix rolls his eyes, and drags Ravager back up tossing him over his shoulder, and carrying him into the ring. He goes to the centre of the ring, and prepares to dump him onto the mat. Just one problem.
Ravager won't let go of Phoenix's waist. Phoenix tries to shake him off, and finally Ravager lets go. Phoenix tries to fling him to the mat...
Ravager reverses into a crossface! Phoenix is caught by surprise, and Ravager desperately strains back with everything he has! Blood pours down his face as he pulls back on the hold! Phoenix is gushing blood from his face as he crawls to the ropes. He finally gets to the ropes and grabs the bottom one, but Ravager refuses to let go. As Kiebiech debates whether ropes breaks apply in a no holds barred match, Phoenix pulls himself up on the ropes, and rolls backwards, pinning Ravager to the mat! Kiebiech counts! One.. two... Ravager lets go of the hold and slides out of the ring. Phoenix is in pain, but there is no way he's letting Ravager have a moment's peace. He's out and after Ravager, who has crawled under the ring. Phoenix (with his good arm) grabs Ravager's leg and pulls him out. Ravager tries to fight him off, but even one handed Phoenix is a force. Ravager is finally pulled out from underneath the ring, and Phoenix leans over to drag him up and
KA CHUNK
Phoenix yells out in pain as Ravager slowly gets to his feet and slowly raises his staple gun over his head.
And smirks.
Phoenix is snorting mad now, and he turns and charges at Ravager, who sidesteps him, and sends him into the guard rail. Ravager is quickly on top of his opponent, and drives several more staples into Phoenix's back. Fans start handing him their ticket stubs, which Ravager is more than willing to staple into Phoenix's back. Phoenix gets an elbow up, and nails Ravager in the jaw. A boot to the head sends Ravager into the concrete. Phoenix grabs Ravager's legs and swings him... right into the guard rail! Hard enough to knock some front row fans back. Ravager clutches at his head and neck as Phoenix grabs another chair and tosses it into the ring. He picks Ravager up and tosses him into the ring post, then lays in with repeated punches! More blood is being drawn as Phoenix relentlessly pounds on the White Collar Assassin! Ravager is driven to his knees, and Phoenix drives his knee into Ravager's skull. Ravager's eyes are glassy as Phoenix assaults him. Finally Phoenix has enough, and tosses Ravager into the ring. Ravager is flat on his back, going nowhere. Phoenix slowly climbs onto the ring apron. Then he goes to the top rope? Phoenix going out of his element here, but he wants badly to put Ravager away, and right now he'll do anything. He isn't graceful, but he dives off with a big elbow that nearly crushes the Shooter beneath him! Phoenix is slow to get up, as the blood loss is getting to him.
The ring has red stains all over it.
You'd never have guessed that Ravager's tights were white to start the match.
The announce table is in ruins.
The fans are on the edge of their seats. Someone is going to be gone after tonight.
Phoenix finally is back to his feet. He walks over to the prone body of Ravager.
And he hauls him up.
And sets up for the Tombstone.
The crowd holds its breath, waiting for a reversal.
They don't get one.
Ravager is driven head first into the mat. Phoenix is covers, hooking the leg. There are a lot of boos as Kiebiech counts the fall.
ONE!!
TWO!!
THR- RAVAGER GETS A SHOULDER UP!
Pandemonium from the fans after the kick out. A bloody Phoenix has Kiebiech backed into a corner, and he is yelling out things not fit for any kind of family show. Kiebiech insists that it was only two, but Phoenix will not listen, demanding that he be declared the winner. Ravager is on his knees, looking like he's got no clue where he is. He looks up and sees Phoenix has his back to him. Ravager suddenly realizes what the stakes are, and crawls over to where the argument is, and rolls Phoenix up! Kiebiech with the count!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THRE- Phoenix kicks out of it! He angrily stomps Ravager, then perches him on the top turnbuckle, setting up for a superplex! Ravager gets a thumb into Phoenix's throat, then a forearm to his face! Then a headbutt! Phoenix is knocked off the ropes, and Ravager shakily stands on the top turnbuckle. Phoenix is back to his feet, and turns just as Ravager dives! He hits a crossbody and takes Phoenix down!...
Phoenix holds on.
And rolls through.
And in an amazing feat of strength, gets to his feet, and flips Ravager over into position for the Tombstone!
Only this time he hits it on the chair.
The impact is sickening. Phoenix covers and hooks the leg. Kiebiech makes the count.
ONE!
TWO!
No miracles tonight folks.
THREE!!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner: JAKE PHOENIX!
Massive boos for the Murder City Devil, who, even through a mask of his own blood, has a huge smile on his face. Now he has time to talk smack. Now he has time to insult the fans. Now he has all the time in the world.
Because he just ended Ravager.
Phoenix exits through the curtains, leaving all eyes on the ring, where Ravager still lays in a pool of blood. Several other referees are out there to check on him, as is Terry Brandon. There is a hush over the crowd as they wait for any sign of movement. Finally Ravager starts to stir. He's slow to get up, but with the help of Brandon, he's back to his feet. he surveys the faces of the people in the ring, and the fans at ringside, and then he understands how the match ended. Warburton hands him a mic, and the crowd waits for the farewell address. The normally stoic face of Ravager seems to be very emotional right now.
RAVAGER: It's been my privilege. Thank you.
And with that Ravager hands the mic back to Warburton, and shakes his hand. Brandon's hand, and Kiebiech's hand. "Path" starts up as Ravager exits the ring, stopping to shake hands with fans in the front row. A standing ovation as he makes his way from ringside one last time. He pauses as he reaches the curtains, turns back to the fans, and smirks. And mouths these words, that only the people watching on DVD will catch.
"Business is Business".
-INTERMISSION-
BILL HEWSON: ... and it was the best christmas gift a father could ask for.
JACK JONES: I dunno, it just doesn't seem like Christmas to me without fishnet stockings and a santa hat.
BILL HEWSON: I'm talking about my daughter coming home for Christmas!
JACK JONES: Huh? Oh, sorry, I tuned you out. Fishnet stockings, a santa hat and that's all, baby.
BILL HEWSON: Well, I won't say I'd find that unattractive on the right woman.
JACK JONES: Woman? I was talking about myself!
BILL HEWSON: ...scarred for life, Jack Attack. Scarred for life.
JACK JONES: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Enough of Statler and Waldorf here. The crowd is done getting their beer and popcorn and are ready for some more action.
The lights dim.
A guitar riff.
"GO!!"
"The Man Without Fear" by Drowning Pool featuring Rob Zombie hits the PA and the fans don't know how to react! The lights brighten again and Jacob Venar stands in the entrance way. The fans EXPLODE! Jacob sporting a new look! He's dressed in red on black attire mostly consisting of Underarmour products. Tights, black with red down each side in a kind of ripping design. BLack muscle shirt with two red stripes down each shoulder to about the pecs meeting at a point, completed by wrist bands on each arm, black ones near the elbow on each forearm and red ones on east wrist. Jacob wears black wrestling boots with red laces.
BILL HEWSON: The young Jacob Venar sporting a new look and new entrance music! The fans sure seem to appreciate it, Jack Attack. Venar would love the opportunity for his first title shot of any kind here in NAPW!
JACK JONES: Yeah, well... The kid is a walking Underarmour ad! He better be getting a sponsorship deal or LAME, LAME, LAME.
BILL HEWSON: Be nice.
JACK JONES: NEVER!
Jacob raises his arms as though to say "Check me out" and does a little spin. On the back of his shirt he has emblazoned the word "FALCON" in bleeding letters near the shoulderblades and a pair of wings stretch from each side of the word. Jacob looks around at the crowd, basking in the cheers, then hits the ring at full speed. He hops up and down on the balls of his feet, awaiting his first opponent...
"CAN'T WHOOP ME!"
That's new too, but the voice is unmistakeable. "HUH" by AkForty kicks in and out walks the hated Prince W. Darko. The Prince is clad in his traditional white vinyl bodysuit with white facemask. Darko struts to the ring talking trash the whole way.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following is the GAUNTLET match for a guaranteed shot at the championship of the winner's choosing! The rules are simple: Two wrestlers at a time to the first fall, at which point the next competitor enters. The match continues until the final man has entered! Falls occur by pinfall, submission, count-out or disqualification! Already in the ring from Parts Unknown, British Columbia... weighing in at two-hundred and thirty pounds... He is "THE FALCON" JACOB VENAR!
His opponent, hailing from The Kingdom of Zamunda off the north-east coast of Afria... Weighing in at two-hundred and twenty seven pounds... he is the Crown Prince of Zamunda, PRINCE WILLIAM DARKO!
BILL HEWSON: Normally I would say it's bad luck of draw for these two men, but Jacob Venar DEMANDED the first spot! The other five men had their order of entrance determined by drawing lots. Jack Attack, you know from experience how hard it has to be to start first in this kind of match and make it to the final, much less win it.
JACK JONES: Well the strategy as the first guy in has to be sound, but there's so much you can't control. If I'm Prince Darko or Venar, I try to conserve my energy, wrestle this first match as conservatively as possible. The problem is, if your opponent comes at you full-force, you have to keep up or you're not getting anywhere. And then you're already half-spent when the NEXT fresh opponent comes in. Try doing that four more times in a row, especially against the caliber of wrestlers in this one.
BILL HEWSON: Venar wants to prove something to everybody in the wrestling world, let's see if it comes back to haunt him! There's the bell, referee Morgan Smythe in charge of this one!
And here comes the action! Jacob Venar isn't interested in wrestling a "conservative" game, he's going right to Prince W. Darko. Darko is totally caught off-guard, he was trying to talk some trash but Venar is chopping and kicking him away. Darko trying to cover up and get away, Venar whips his arm away and unloads a STIFF ASS CHOP. WHOOOO! Darko's eyes bug out at the sting and he covers his chest, Venar again pulls them away and CHOP! WHOOOO! Darko in the corner, Venar climbs up and begins punching away! The crowd counts along!
ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE! TEN!
Darko is slumped in the corner, Venar hits the canvas. He gets some distance and charges up, connecting with WHISPER IN THE WIND on Darko in the corner! The Prince collapses and Venar is right there to hook the leg, ONE, TWO, COULD HAVE A FALL, NO! Darko just gets out in the nick of time!
JACK JONES: He's using all his energy up! Darn kids, they never listen to their elders!
BILL HEWSON: Venar wants to end this first match quickly! He almost pinned the former Heritage champion right there! And now he's got his man up, oh, Darko with a thumb to the eye. That'll turn the tables everytime.
JACK JONES: Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat!
Darko finally has space to breathe, he boots Venar in the gut hard, then hits... a schoolboy? When does Darko use WRESTLING moves? Wait a minute, he has the tights! ONE! TWO! Kick-out by Venar. Darko argues the count with the referee, Venar trying to rise, Darko turns around and kicks him in the head. Darko talking smack to the fans, saying "CAN'T WHOOP ME!" Crowd says "YOU SUCK DARKO!" Venar shot into the ropes, clothesline ducked though! Venar rebounds off the opposite ropes with a dropkick NO! INTO A DRAGONRANA, HOLY HELL! He calls that Unkindness and has a cover ONE, TWO, TH Darko again kicks out!
Venar wants the three, but not quite yet. He grabs Darko's arm looking for THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE submission! Darko quickly scrambles to the ropes as Venar locks it on, he wouldn't last long in that vicious hold. Venar looking a little frustrated, sends Darko into the corner. Charge --- nobody home! DARKO WITH THE LAID OUT! Claw-hold STO puts Venar down. And then what's this...
ZAMUNDA YOKE!
BILL HEWSON: This could be it right here, Darko has Venar far from the ropes in that camel clutch sleeper hold of his!
JACK JONES: It's tap out or pass out, Hewson, there's no hope for Jacob Venar! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!
Venar tries for the ropes, but the light is leaving his eyes. Darko shaking his head, no doubt spewing profanity. Smythe lifts Venar's arm. It drops once.
The crowd is trying to rally, chanting "FALCON, FALCON, FALCON!" Smythe lifts the arm again, lets go... it drops twice. The crowd quiets.
She grabs the arm a third time. And it falls...
It...
NO!
VENAR's first is shaking! He's alive! He won't make it! And now he's using every part of his body to attempt to crawl to the ropes, just reaching! Darko trying to keep it, but Venar's will is inexorable. He reaches out, fingertips just brushing the ropes... GOT THEM! Smythe tells Darko to break, the former Heritage champ holds on for her count of one, two, three, four, fi-broken. Smythe lays down the law for Darko, who holds out a hand. "TALK TO THE HAND. Also. CAN'T WHOOP ME!" Darko turns around and grabs Venar from the ropes. He kicks him hard in the gut again, doubling the man over, and hooks the arms. ZAMUNDA DRIVER --- Venar takes the legs out from underneath Darko! CATAPULT INTO THE CORNER! Darko looks dazed, and he gets FAME-ASSERED! HE'S DOWN!
BILL HEWSON: Prince Darko is in perfect position! Venar looks to the skies... and he's going up top, Jack Attack! These fans can feel it! Here it comes!
JACK JONES: No!
BILL HEWSON: Jacob Venar wants to spread his wings --- SMW!
...Nobody home! Darko moves! Venar, however, rolls forward and his momentum brings him right back to his feet. Darko turns around, Venar lets fly the SUPERKICK --- PUNCH TO THE BALLS. Darko just nailed Venar right in the nutstack after ducking the superkick! Venar is in huge pain, Darko grabs him and drives him head-first into the canvas with the ZAMUNDA DRIVER. He hooks the leg, one, two, three! The crowd deflates as Venar is eliminated.
FRANK WARBURTON: Jacob Venar has been eliminated by pinfall!
JACK JONES: And to all a good night!
BILL HEWSON: What a heartbreaker for Jacob Venar, he had Darko beaten until that low blow. Not the way he wanted to end 2007, but take nothing away from how far Venar has come in the past few months here in NAPW.
JACK JONES: Yeah yeah, the rookie done good, but he's old news now. Who's next to get whooped by Darko, that's what I want to know!
Venar is on his way back up the aisle, holding the back of his head. Tough break for him. Darko is strutting around the ring gangster-style, shouting "CAN'T WHOOP ME! NOBODY CAN WHOOP ME! ZAMUNDA DRIVER!"
And then Warren Zevon kicks in, and the crowd looks down the entrance way to the NAPW newcomer...
FRANK WARBURTON: Entering the gauntlet, from Chatsworth Ontario... weighing in at two-hundred and twelve pounds, he is TEDDY DAVIS!
BILL HEWSON: What an opportunity here for Teddy Davis, in his first NAPW match... he could take home any title shot he wants.
JACK JONES: Yeah, but even if he beats Prince Darko, and I DOUBT that's going to happen, he's got to go through Stein, Lloyd Rees and KRENSHOV. Teddy Davis is going to find out the hard way just how stiff the competition is here in NAPW.
Davis comes down the aisle, no-nonsense. He takes off his purple ring jacket, and when his music cuts off slides immediately into the ring. Also immediately Darko is all over him with stomps, stompy stomp stomp. Darko wants to end this one as quickly as possible, clearly. He takes the fan up and hits a jab straight into the throat! Davis coughs and Darko grabs hold of him, nailing LAID OUT NUMBER TWO, the inverted STO --- no! Davis fighting back, throwing elbows into the side of Darko's head. The two men disengage, Darko charges for the Laid Out #1, but instead gets caught and taken down with a German Suplex that sends him flying 360 in the air! Teddy Davis may be only five-nine, but that low center of gravity enabled him to LAUNCH Darko. The Prince staggers up, caught with a stiff kick and Davis hits a snap suplex with authority. Sudden impact, float-over into a cover, one, two, Darko kicks out.
Darko sitting up, that leaves him wide open for Davis to run and deliver his rolling neck snap! Perfectly executed in homage to Mr. Perfect, and Darko gets splinched. Darko looking dazed, he gets caught --- belly-to-belly suplex! Another cover, still only a two count.
JACK JONES: ... he can't do that!
BILL HEWSON: Teddy Davis is unrelenting, what an array of suplexes this man has! I don't know if Prince W. Darko was prepared for this in the slightest!
JACK JONES: Prince W. Darko is never not prepared! He's a prince, you ever read the Darko Times? He's got mad people on top of things!
BILL HEWSON: I think you've been reading the Darko Times too much. "Mad people?" You're not only white, but you're SO WHITE. And 43.
JACK JONES: Don't be frontin', B-Hew!
Darko has rolled out to the floor, he can't believe what's going on here. The crowd is getting interested in this. They'd love to see Darko get his ass handed to him as such, and Davis is so far punishing the Prince. Smythe has started her ten count as Darko walks around the ring. The crowd gets in Darko's face, but his only response is "Can't whoop me, nuh-uh." Smythe tells Darko to get in the ring, she hits seven, Darko slides in... only to slide right back out. Crowd is getting pretty restless with the stalling of Darko. He grabs a water bottle from the announce table and pulls his mask forward enough to take a swig.
BILL HEWSON: Come on Darko, get in the ring!
JACK JONES: The man's thirsty, Hewson, he's got another three opponents after this. He's got until ten.
BILL HEWSON: You would approve.
Darko FINALLY gets back on the ring apron, Davis comes in SPSSSSSHHH! Darko pulls his face-mask forward and spits a cloud of water right in Teddy Davis' eyes! With his opponent momentarily blinded, Darko leaps over the ropes and delivers OVER AND OUT! He NAILS IT! Davis is down, Darko covers ONE, TWO, THR---
FOOT ON THE ROPES!
Davis with the ring presence to know exactly where he is, even after the devastating Over & Out. Darko snarls loudly, he thought it was a three-count. "Oh, you think you can whoop me? CAN'T WHOOP ME!" He stomps on Davis, then chokes him out with his boot while holding the top rope, breaking right before the five-count. Smythe tells him to get Davis out of the ropes, Darko says "oh, you want man out the ropes? Can't whoop me!"
BILL HEWSON: WHY DOESN'T HE SHUT UP?
Darko measures Davis and hits his Running DDT, that puts his man down. He steps to the ring apron, ready to go... "You want Perfection? This is JUST PERFECTION!" SPRINGBOARD SWANTON --- and like Darko did to Venar earlier, Teddy Davis makes sure NOBODY'S HOME! Darko doesn't rebound quite so gracefully, and suddenly --- like lightning --- Teddy Davis has the CROSSFACE CHICKEN-WING APPLIED ON PRINCE DARKO! He falls back, Darko trying to stay up, his free arm pinwheeling comically, until Davis falls back and cinches the legs! Darko is in a world of pain, WILL HE TAP OUT! He's reaching for the ropes, there's a good couple feet in the way! Darko reaching out frantically, but he can't hold on WAIT! He just grabbed Morgan Smythe by the collar and pulled her down! Was it accidental? Darko was reaching out for anything and Smythe was checking to see if he was submitting...
Either way, the situation is beneficial to Darko. Davis relinquishes enough of his grip for Darko to get free and roll back outside. Smythe is shaken up, holding her chest. Must have gotten the wind knocked out of her. Davis gets up, checking on her ---
DARKO!
STEEL CHAIR TO THE FOREHEAD OF TEDDY DAVIS!
And Morgan Smythe isn't dead, she caught all of it! She rings for the bell!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of the fall as a result of a disqualification... Teddy Davis!
Darko throws the chair down to the canvas as the crowd showers him with boos. "WHAT I TELL YA? CAN'T WHOOP ME!" And then, he grabs Davis and ... oh no.
ZAMUNDA DRIVER!
JACK JONES: Prince Darko promised he'd Zamunda Driver half of NAPW, and he's not a leader to break his promises! Teddy Davis deserved everything he just got!
BILL HEWSON: What are you talking about? Teddy Davis had Prince Darko beaten, and now...
Darko heads out to a chorus of boos as Smythe checks on Davis. She asks him if he wants to continue. Davis looks out of it, holding the back of his head as blood red trickles from his forehead. He nods despite his pain. Smythe shrugs helplessly and signals to bring in the next competitor...
"Science" by System of A Down.
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the gauntlet, from parts unknown... weighing one-hundred and eighty pounds... STEIN!
BILL HEWSON: Oh... dear.
JACK JONES: So long, Teddy Davis, don't let the door hit you on the way out! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
BILL HEWSON: You don't like Stein!
JACK JONES: No, but Prince W. Darko just gift-wrapped Davis for him. This is going to be a slaughter of biblical proportions.
BILL HEWSON: I hate to agree with you, but Teddy Davis, after that brutal attack, is up against a man many have trouble taking down under the best of circumstances. Stein is a former Provincial champion, has a count-out win over the current Heritage Champion Stone Zellor and could contend for any title in NAPW!
JACK JONES: "Thing."
BILL HEWSON: Excuse me?
JACK JONES: You called Stein a "man." The correct nomenclature is "thing."
BILL HEWSON: Sigh.
Stein makes his slow, herky-jerky way to the ring in his tattered Delivery Man uniform. Davis is still gathering his wits as Stein enters into the ring.
And then, something happens.
Stein looks at his bloody opponent, cocking his head with a perplexed expression on his face. Well, it's mostly his normal expression but slightly quizzical, strange eyes swirling in color. Stein then... motions for the microphone.
STEIN: It appears that my opponent has been left in a critical state by one Prince W. Darko. While I understand that the rules of the gauntlet match leave the preceding entrant at a disadvantage, by pure virtue of the contest mechanics, I think it is highly unfair that Teddy Davis should have to wrestle the fresh combatant, who, as I must say, is me, after being attacked in such a violent fashion.
BILL HEWSON: Well, fair enough, but I don't know what Stein wants to...
STEIN: Therefore, I think it is only sporting to give myself an equal handicap. Referee, please take the microphone.
Stein dangles the microphone out as Smythe takes it with a look of confusion. And then, to the sheer shock of the crowd, Stein begins to CLIMB THE TURNBUCKLE.
Slowly.
Awkwardly.
JACK JONES: What the crap is he DOING?
BILL HEWSON: Stein is on the top rope... but... why... what is he... OH MY GOSH!
JACK JONES: YOU FOOL!
CRASH!
Stein crashes through the time-keepers table with an ungainly backflip. The crowd looks on in shock. Nobody makes a noise.
Then the chant goes up.
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
BILL HEWSON: Holy, well, indeed.
JACK JONES: Somewhere, Intern Pete has suffered stabbing pains in the heart.
BILL HEWSON: I don't think Teddy Davis has any idea what to do with his opponent here! But for better or for worse, Stein has leveled the playing field!
A single arm raises up from the wreckage, horror movie style. Davis is in the ring, and he's looking alright, wiping the blood away from his face. He looks at Smythe. "Is he.... serious?" Smythe nods her head slowly. Stein, meanwhile, is slowly pulling himself to the ring. And then, like some zombie-Rock, he reaches out one hand.
BRING IT.
Teddy Davis shrugs and strides forward to meet Stein. They hit a collar-and-elbow tie-up, Davis quickly getting an arm-bar. Stein, shockingly, counters with a textbook arm-bar reversal. Davis isn't so much surprised by that as he is the sheer torque Stein is using. The slim frame belies an inhuman strength!
Davis counters again, into a hammer-lock, and then again and Stein can't keep up. Back suplex puts Stein down, Davis floats over, one ---
Only a one! Stein pushes Davis off with ease.
BILL HEWSON: Teddy Davis isn't quite sure how to deal with Stein. He may be only 180 pounds, but we've seen him use incredible strength in that ring, manhandling opponents many times bigger than himself.
JACK JONES: It's... he's... it's not human, Hewson!
They're back up, Davis again using technical know-how to take over on Stein. Side headlock applied, Stein is able to try his own back suplex. Davis lands on his feet! He grabs Stein in a rear-waistlock and tries a german suplex, Stein has reached out to grab the top rope. And he isn't going anywhere. Davis gives up trying to German suplex the man and instead starts firing shots into the small of Stein's back, hoping to stun him. They don't have much effect, however. Davis tries an irish whip...
Hm. Well, Stein TRIES to run the ropes in a jerky jog. He "rebounds" off the far side and in veritable slow-motion comes back towards Adam Davis... Davis side-steps.
Stein rebounds off the ropes again, and slowly proceeds back to the other side of the ring, where he... REBOUNDS.
Ka-thunk ka-thunk, his arms pistoning in and out in a vain attempt to make him go faster. Stein once again rebounds off the ropes, as if he thinks that's what he's supposed to do.
BILL HEWSON: Davis is standing to the side wondering what the hell he's gotten himself into here in NAPW, wrestling some kind of... well, whatever Stein is!
JACK JONES: The harbinger of doom!
Davis has had enough of this, when Stein makes his slow journey across the ring yet again, he simply holds his arm out. Stein bumps into it. He looks at Davis, and Davis shakes his head. Forearm strike to the jaw! A series of them, Davis then lifting a knee into the breadbasket. Stein gets doubled over, sort of, and Davis hits the ropes and comes off with BLINDING speed to drive a knee right into the side of Stein's head! That one stuns Stein, almost taking him off his feet, and Davis hooks the head, SNAP suplex! Stein sits up, zombie-like, and that means he's wide open for the ROLLING NECK SNAP! And Stein's body never moves that fast, he actually seems stunned in a prone position on the canvas. Davis goes to the second rope...
And drops the first! The cover! One, two, Stein kicks out!
JACK JONES: Keep on him, Davis! I take back what I said about this chump earlier --- Teddy Davis is my vote to win! Especially if he can take out that creepy Stein!
BILL HEWSON: Davis' best bet here is to continue the assault and not give Stein any chance to breathe, he can not counter speed for speed! And he seems ready to do just that!
Davis with another snap suplex, Stein sits up! Davis soccer kicks Stein in the small of the back , drawing "OOOHS" from the crowd. Stein registers the hit on his face, even if he doesn't seem to be in any greater pain than normal. Davis then picks the man up... before grabbing the arm and looking for the cross-face chicken-wing!
Except, Stein takes ahold of Davis' arm in one vise-like hand. Davis can't... get the crossface on, and in fact, Stein is slowly turning around with Davis' arm in increasing pain!
TONGAN DEATH GRIP!
Stein uses his free hand and suddenly has Davis in a bad, bad predicament! Davis is going down, but he reaches out for the ropes with his feet, hooking his foot on the bottom rope. Stein immediately lets go of the hold as Davis seems in shock at how powerful Stein's death-grip was. And then before he knows what's happened, he's been lifted up and OVER STEIN'S HEAD! Gorilla Press drop! Davis splats on the canvas and Stein... well, he goes to the ropes and shakes them Ultimate Warrior-style, though with a mechanical awkwardness. The crowd responds nonetheless as Stein waits for Davis to get up... he's going for SMOTHERED IN KETCHUP! The Cobra-Clutch! But Teddy Davis has this maneuver scouted as he quickly spins out of it! Stein is still in the middle of the application and can't change his program quick enough to block Davis hooking his face and a leg. Can it be?
Fisherman's Suplex! Davis holds on however and spins up, pulling Stein with him!
A second Fisherman's Suplex! One more time, and Stein is dropped a third time in what Teddy Davis calls the Perfect Series.
ONE, TWO, THREE!
That would be all. If Stein didn't get his foot on the bottom rope at the last possible second.
JACK JONES: NOOOOOO!
BILL HEWSON: Believe it or don't, I think Teddy Davis stunned Stein enough to get the three-count with his Perfect Series of Fisherman's Suplexes, but Stein was just near enough the ropes to get his foot on them!
Davis can't believe it, but he's got other moves in his bag of tricks. He pulls Stein up and stuns him with a forearm, than hits the ropes --- caught! Stein with a flapjack splats Davis back on the canvas, knocking the wind out of the man no doubt. Davis pulls himself to his feet by the ropes, staggers backwards...
Right into Stein's clutches! And Teddy Davis is SMOTHERED IN KETCHUP!
Davis reaches for the ropes, Stein pulls him back! He's trying to move himself back in, but Stein cinches in the Cobra Clutch ever more! Davis reaches, and reaches, and fights for all he's worth, but there is only so much the human body can take before it starts to give out. Smythe grabs his arm, it falls once. Twice. THREE TIMES! Davis has been passed out to the power of KETCHUP!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of the fall by knock-out, STEIN!
JACK JONES: *groan*
BILL HEWSON: A hell of an effort from Teddy Davis, he very nearly put Stein away and that's after the attack from Prince Darko. I don't think we've heard the end of that one, but right now, Stein is waiting for his next opponent. It could be one of two men...
Davis has rolled outside and slowly begins to head up the aisle, garnering a good crowd response for a strong effort. But then, the lights go out.
The low down southern blues of "When The Lights Go Out" plays, and the entry way illuminates to reveal a bearded man in a "FREE NFLD" t-shirt. There is no humour in the face of "LDK" Lloyd Rees, only determination.
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the gauntlet, from Wabana, Bell Island Newfoundland... weighing two-hundred forty-seven pounds, he is "LDK" LLOYD REES!
BILL HEWSON: Four-time Provincial Champion, two-time World Champion, TV champion and a one-time Tag Team champion with Davis Banks! Lloyd Rees has been trying to overcome a serious losing streak over the fall, and this match could be his redemption.
JACK JONES: Lloyd Rees is a has-been, Hewson, a drunk, a bum. He needs to just pack it up and get back home to "da east coast, bye."
BILL HEWSON: Well, he's picked up a couple wins over the last week in tag matches, but he needs to see about singles. Oddly enough, it was after Rees was defeated by Jacob Venar months ago that he seemed to start to turn things around. The pair of them seem to have a mutual respect, though I wouldn't call them friends --- and HERE WE GO! Rees isn't wasting any time going to work on his old rival Stein!
JACK JONES: A man Rees defeated in the first - and ONLY - Ketchup Casket Match back at Get The Hell of Our Lawn in 2006, see Hewson, you're not the only one who can spout out random information!
SHUT IT, JACK! Rees has gotten into the ring and is bringing the fight RIGHT to Stein with a flurry of rights and lefts! Stein is backed into the corner, and Rees knows the irish whip won't do him any good, so he lets fly with one powerful right hand to try to knock Stein out of the ring. No dice, Rees tries another shot --- CAUGHT by Stein's hand! The pain! Rees fires his left hand, that one's caught too! Both of Lloyd Rees' hands being crushed in the steel-grip of Stein. Rees forced down to his knees as the man-machine continues inexorably on --- wait a minute! Rees rolls onto his back, he's still trapped, but he gets his feet into Stein's gut! Monkey flip! Stein still holding on, but Rees again rolls and now he's on top of Stein. STEIN'S SHOULDERS ARE DOWN! ONE! TWO! TH--- Stein realizes what's happening almost too late, but then kicks out.
But Rees is free.
He rushes at Stein again with something to prove, and gets CAUGHT by one hand. GOOZLE --- choke toss! Rees sent flying all the way across the ring! The crowd are deeply into this as the old intensity between these two has returned, but there is one key difference. This Lloyd Rees isn't flanked by managers and flunkies to help him win. And he's not taking any shortcuts. Stein moves forward on Rees, using a throat chop, but Rees has that well-scouted and moves aside and behind Stein! He shoves Stein sternum first into the turnbuckle, then gets speed and rams his knee high into the shoulder-blades of Stein, crushing him against the turnbuckle. Again! AGAIN! Stein seems stunned, Rees grabs a handful of black hair and bends him backwards!
DDT FROM THE GREEN!
ONE!
TWO!
KICK-OUT!
BILL HEWSON: Stein is undefeated since he returned to NAPW! How DO you pin this man? How DO you put him away?
JACK JONES: Come on Rees, use the chair! The flask! The 87th Airborne!
BILL HEWSON: Will you be serious?
Rees however doesn't let it get to him, instead he grabs Stein's legs and attempts to lock in the Lance Cove Leglock. But... Stein doesn't intend to allow that. Rees can't get it cinched in, and then Stein reaches out and locks one hand again around Rees throat! Once more up high, Stein going for a CHOKESLAM --- Rees swings out of it! Stein tries to turn around in time, Rees trying for the CONCEPTION BAY CHINLOCk! The Dragon Sleeper! No, Stein isn't letting that happen either, refusing to be bent over backwards this time. Instead he grabs Rees' arm and uses it to flip Lloyd forwards, zombie-judo style. Yes, zombie judo. Rees is down and STEIN ---
SMOTHERED IN KETCHUP! Rees is in trouble, in the middle of the ring! Like Teddy Davis just moments ago, he flails his arms towards the ropes, but grabs nothing but air. Rees trying to move forward, trying to get something, but Stein is not to be denied! He loves good competition, but indeed he wants to win. Rees looks out of options...
So he goes BACKWARDS, driving Stein into the turnbuckle. He still can't break the hold as Stein moves back towards the center of the ring.
BACKWARDS into another turnbuckle! Rees is fading, Stein still holding on...
BACKWARDS into a third turnbuckle! And Rees keeps it there, ramming backwards again and again! Finally, almost surprisingly, Stein's grip slackens enough for Rees to dive forward, freed!
BILL HEWSON: Rees is free, but how much can he have left? He was in Smothered In Ketchup for so long! Can Rees possibly defeat Stein tonight?
JACK JONES: I dislike Stein, but I dislike this "new" wussified Lloyd Rees even more, so the magic 8-ball says "NO!"
BILL HEWSON: And Stein wants to get the cobra clutch one more time. If Rees is Smothered in Ketchup again, it's all over!
But Rees instead gets behind Stein, delivering Long Pond LUNGBLOWER! New move by Rees there, one that stuns Stein. Rees pulls Stein up and sets him up, standing head-scissors... Can he? NISH J. DROP --- No! Stein wriggling like a ROBO-ZOMBIE-WORM and slides out. Both men are back to back, they spin around each looking for a move, STEIN WITH THE THROAT CHOP! He stuns Stein, and then locks on the Smothered In NO! Rees --- snapmares Stein over instead! AND WAIT A MINUTE! DRAGON SLEEPER! THE CONCEPTION BAY CHINLOCK! Stein using his great strength to try to crab-walk to the ropes, but Rees delivers some stiff forearm shots across Stein's exposed chest and pulls him back to the center of the ring, desperately. He falls back and locks his legs around Stein's body, stretching the man's head back excessively! The crowd is torn, wondering what can happen... can Stein even FEEL pain?
BILL HEWSON: Lloyd Rees has Stein in the middle of the ring! Stein isn't going anywhere! But... can Rees even get a submission on Stein? Jack Attack, have we EVER seen Stein submit?
JACK JONES: No, but that doesn't mean we can't see it tonight!
BILL HEWSON: I don't think Stein is going to tap out, Jones! I don't think he recognizes pain the way most people do, nothing is going to stop him.
But... his body is going limp. Smythe grabs Stein's arm, it drops once.
BILL HEWSON: But... that's one! Stein may not tap out, but...
A second time, the arm drops.
JACK JONES: But the human body can only take so much, whether you notice it or not! Or are some kind of zombie freak robot!
Smythe lifts Stein's arm one more time as Rees is desperate for this, can it happen...
The arm falls a third time.
FRANK WARBURTON: As a result of a knock-out, Stein has been eliminated!
BILL HEWSON: REES has done it! Lloyd Rees is BACK, folks! I can't believe what we have just seen! It's almost as though Stein... shut down to prevent the kind of damage he would take if he was in the hold for much longer!
JACK JONES: He shut down, Hewson. Systems crash! But don't you celebrate Rees being "back" yet.
BILL HEWSON: Rees has just fought a war, but there is one man left...
JACK JONES: And you know who it is.
Stein has been rolled out of the ring. He's regaining his senses, but the attention is all focused on the entrance way. Rees has no real time to enjoy a hard-fought victory, because it's time for an...
"ATTACK."
30 Seconds to Mars kicks in and out steps the six-nine, three-hundred fifty pound KRENSHOV to a big pop.
FRANK WARBURTON: Now entering the Gauntlet, the FINAL ENTRANT! Hailing from Middletown, New Jersey... weighing THREE-HUNDRED and FIFTY POUNDS... KRENSHOV!
BILL HEWSON: And this is going to be one hell of a fight! Krenshov acquitted himself very well indeed in a recent NAPW World Title match against The Beast, he would love getting another title shot by winning this!
JACK JONES: Seriously, I think every guy in this damn gauntlet has gone soft, I can't stand any of them. Except of course MY LIEGE Prince W. Darko!
BILL HEWSON: Sycophant.
JACK JONES: Goodie goodie!
And KRENSHOV steps OVER the top rope. Rees knows he has to dig down and find another reserve of energy and take the fight right to the big man... so he does. He has to. Right on Krenshov as soon as he steps in, rights and lefts! Krenshov is barely fazed, shoving Rees away like he's a bug. But Rees hits the ropes for added rebound, delivering a clothesline ...
That barely moves Krenshov.
Rees hits the ropes again, another clothesline. He manages to rock Krenshov with this one, off the ropes again WHAM. Krenshov's turn and he just FLOORS Rees with a standing lariat of his own. Rees, as much as Stein's strength is surprising... Krenshov is on a whole new level. Rees gets to his feet and starts running his mouth at Krenshov, trying a new tactic. Rees trying to rock the man again, off the ropes, Krenshov sticks his arm out, Rees ducks it and rebounds off, going to CHOPBLOCK Krenshov's legs! And that works! Krenshov doesn't go down, though, Rees circles and then nails them again... one more time! Krenshov goes down! Rees! To the outside! SPRINGBOARD ---
FRESH WATER FLIP!
Picture-perfect! Hooks the leg, the cover, ONE
ONE.
Krenshov presses Rees half-way across the ring.
BILL HEWSON: Oh my goodness. Of all the men to get the last spot in this contest, it had to be the biggest, strongest, meanest man in it. Rees might want to try for a count-out victory here, if he can...
JACK JONES: I don't know if I've seen Krenshov as motivated as I have in the past couple weeks, and that means bad times for Lloyd Rees.
Rees doesn't rush in this time, circling as Krenshov gets up. He comes in, Krenshov swats at him. Rees gets close, Krenshov firing a big blow, glancing off Rees. Another shot, glancing blow, Rees keeps moving, stick and move. Wait a minute.
Rees is trying to tire the big man out. Rope-a-dope style.
Rees comes in close, trying to nail Krenshov, and again Krenshov unloads with the big gun, but only glancing blow. They stun Rees but don't do what they could, his fists. Rees ducks beneath the next Krenshov blow and rebounds, trying to take Krenshov down with a splash to the back... but Krenshov turns.
And catches LDK.
Fallaway slam all the way across the ring. Rees pulls himself up by the ropes, he's in the corner, and Krenshov with a HEAD OF STEAM. SPLASH. Rees is squashed, Krenshov gets another HEAD OF STEAM... SPLASH! One more, the charging rhino, SPLASH. Rees has been squashed in the corner as Krenshov lets his man collapse to the canvas. Krenshov reaches down to pick up Rees, BEAR HUG! No, Rees starts firing shots into Krenshov's forehead before it's totally locked in. He gets free, off the ropes --- KRENSHOV. Big... BIG Boot just takes Rees head straight off! There's a cover! ONE! TWO! TH---Rees barely gets the shoulder up! Krenshov pulls the man up and fires him to the ropes, POWERSLAM! Snapped down! ONE! TWO! TH---KICK-OUT! Rees once more somehow, barely gets out of it!
BILL HEWSON: Krenshov shaking the ring with every impact! Rees can't take much more of this!
Krenshov pulls the limp bodied Rees up now. Rees is just hanging there, swaying on his feet. Krenshov hits the ropes! RUNNING BIG BOOT --- Rees ducks! Krenshov is momentarily off balance! Rees opens up with a flurry of blows! Right, left, right, left, Krenshov is in the ropes! Rees goes outside them, then leaps up to a SPRINGBOARD BULLDOG! Scramble for a cover, ONE, TWO, THKICKOUT! Krenshov with a big kick-out! Rees hits the ropes, clothesline --- NAILED by Krenshov! Krenshov roughly hauls Rees to his feet and hooks a front face-lock, roaring to the crowd. He's done! It's over! Up high and...
DOWN!
TOTAL ECLIPSE! ONE, TWO, THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of the gauntlet... KRENSHOV!
BILL HEWSON: Well the odds went in his favor, but the level of competition throughout this entire gauntlet was off the charts. Stein, Rees, Venar, Davis, yes, even Darko, give them all credit... but it's Krenshov who now has a shot at any title in NAPW he wants!
JACK JONES: Well at least something's right in the world, although I still haven't forgiven Krenshov for attacking the Murder City Devils last month.
BILL HEWSON: I'm sure he cares.
Krenshov flexes his muscles and poses in victory for the fans as Rees gets to his feet. What's this, is Rees going to back-attack Krenshov? No, he holds out his hand. Krenshov smirks, but accepts it. Not a lot of "love" in the building but two great competitors at least have that much respect for pure ability. What title will Krenshov pick to go after? We'll have to find out later... his next match is on NAPW's first show of 2008 against DAN RYAN.
FRANK WARBURTON: The next match will be a Superstar Rules match and is scheduled for ONE FALL!
Oh, the techno stylings of Right Said Fred. As "I'm Too Sexy" comes on, out come the Sexy Adorable Drunks, Krusty Kid Paul and Tommy Deathrow. The crowd goes nuts, and the duo are all too willing to interact with their loyal fans, even if it means having some of the ladies rub the nipples of Deathrow.
FRANK WARBURTON: Weighing in at a combined four hundred and ninety four pounds! Krusty Kid Paul! Tommy Deathrow! The SEXY ADORABLE DRUNKS!
BILL HEWSON: One week ago, the Sexy Adorable Drunks reunited at the NAPW/REBEL supershow, and I for one am glad to see them back!
JACK JONES: Sounds about right. You WOULD love these deviants, wouldn't you?
KKP and STD get into the ring, and are still leering at some ladies at ringside, when Boney M hits! "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," as done in seventies disco stylings! Out come the new NAPW tag team champions, Mystic Exposition, wearing their shiny belts around their waists. Both Mystic Ninja and the Expositioner are wearing Santa hats, and Ninja's carrying a big sack over his shoulder.
BILL HEWSON: And here comes the three-time tag team champions!
JACK JONES: Pfft. And they haven't been able to hold their belts a single match. If they focused less on pleasing the crowd and focused more on winning, they might still be one-time champions.
FRANK WARBURTON: Weighing in at a combined four hundred and forty pounds! Mystic Ninja! The Expositioner! They are the new NAPW tag team champions! MYSTIC EXPOSITION!
The crowd cheers louder! Mystic Exposition enter the ring, and the Expositioner calls for a microphone.
EXPOSITIONER: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, NAPW fans! And Merry Christmas, Sexy Drunken Opponents! Have you two been good boys?
KKP and Tommy Deathrow nod their heads eagerly. The mic picks up Paul saying "I haven't been arrested for a week and a half! It's a new record!"
EXPOSITIONER: Well, Ninja and I have decided to bring you two presents anyway. Ninja?
Mystic Ninja opens the sack, pulls out two large presents and hands them to SAD. The two men rip open their gifts, and find two matching hand-knit turtlenecks, each embroidered with a giant "P" and "T", respectively. He pulls them over their heads, and looks out to the audience, asking their approval. The crowd cheers.
EXPOSITIONER: We're so glad you like them. Ninja's been working on them non-stop this entire week!
NINJA: (grabbing the mic) When it comes to needlepoint, I'm a viking.
EXPOSITIONER: (taking the mic back) That's part one of our gift to you gentlemen. Are you ready for part two?
Tommy and Paul smile, and nod eagerly once more.
EXPOSITIONER: We won these belts this very night, when CABS said that they would no longer compete in Canada. And we're here to say that these belts deserve to STAY in NAPW, not go to REBEL! So after some discussion, we've decided to let you compete for them in this very ring tonight!
The crowd asplodes! Tommy and Paul get huge grins on their faces, and they put out their hands to shake on it. Tommy asks for the mic.
TOMMY DEATHROW: Wow. That's (BLEEP) great, guys. But I'm not sure if Paul and I were able to get you guys anything.
KKP pats down his body and shrugs. Deathrow pulls out a flask and offers swigs to Ninja and Expositioner. They politely decline. After a bit of searching, Krusty Kid Paul pulls a condom out of his pocket and gives it to Ninja. Ninja looks at Expositioner and puts the condom in his pocket. The crowd laughs. Oh, those Sexy Adorable Drunks. At least they tried.
FRANK WARBURTON: This match will now be a NAPW TAG TEAM TITLE match!
Morgan Smythe calls for the bell, and both Tommy and KKP lock up with Ninja and Expo.
JACK JONES: What the hell? Double teaming already?
BILL HEWSON: That's right, I guess we haven't had a proper Superstar Tag Rules match in quite a while. All four men are legal. No tags are needed in this match, so it looks like Morgan Smythe might have her hands full tonight.
Tommy and KKP with a tandem Irish whip to Mystic Exposition. Tommy goes for a big boot, Paul for a clothesline, but both members of ME are able to duck, bounce off the ropes, and come back with flying clotheslines. Tommy and Paul go down! Ninja does a somersault splash, Expo with a leg drop. Mystic Exposition are firing on all cylinders! Both men pick up Krusty Kid Paul, and perform a double-team maneuver, Expo sweeping the leg, Ninja with a roundhouse kick to his chest. KKP drops to the floor, and Ninja scrambles for the cover. One! T-KKP kicks out. From behind, Deathrow knocks Expositioner through the ropes, and then picks up Mystic Ninja, throwing the lighter man over his shoulder. DOMINATOR! Deathrow calls to Paul, and they double Irish whip Mystic Ninja to the ropes. Ninja comes back, only to recieve a double spinebuster! KKP makes the cover. One! Tw- shoulder up by the Ninja! Deathrow rolls under the bottom rope, and starts searching for plunder under the ring. He pulls out two garbage can lids and holds them up for the crowd to see. Out of nowhere, lunges the Expositioner. "X-POUND!" Lou Thesz Press takes Deathrow to the floor, and Expo starts with punches to the head as the ringside crowd right beside him starts counting. One! Two! Three! Fourfivesixseven! Expo's letting it all out, as Krusty Kid Paul watches from inside the ring. But he doesn't see the Mystic Ninja climb the ropes. MYSTIC CYCLONE! KKP is flipped over by a headscissors from the smaller man. And Ninja holds on for a pinfall. One! Two! Kickout!
The Expositioner climbs back into the ring, and locks the X-Traction onto KKP, calling it out, of course. Smythe is right there, seeing if Paul is wanting to submit to the Octopus hold that Expo's got on him. Paul's crying out, but he's not giving up. A large portion of Expo's two hundred and forty pounds are currently resting on the neck of Krusty Kid Paul, and it's beginning to show in the strain on the face of Paul. But he shakes his head no! He's not going to submit! CLANG! He's especially not going to submit now that Deathrow's come back into the ring with his garbage can lid. Expo drops, holding his head in pain. KKP's writhing on the mat. He rolls under the ring ropes, trying to massage some life back into his shoulders. Deathrow winds up, and it's another strike to the head of Expo with that garbage can lid. He winds up for another, but here comes Ninja, with a dropkick into the lid, sending it into the face of Tommy Deathrow! Tommy flies over the top rope, landing on the floor! Ninja makes sure that his tag partner's all right, and Expositioner nods. "I might have been hit twice in the head with a garbage can lid, but I'm all right. No problems. Nothing that can't be solved with an ice pack after the show. Don't worry about me. You should go on and take the fight to the Sexy Adorable Drunks, Tommy Deathrow and Krusty Kid Paul, who just reunited last-" Yeah, he's fine. Mystic Ninja turns his attention to the prone Tommy Deathrow, and climbs to the top rope. He waits patiently for Deathrow to stand up. Deathrow's groggy but he gets to his feet. Mystic Ninja's so focused on Deathrow, he doesn't notice Paul climbing back ito the ring and getting into position. Super powerbomb! The crowd ooohs in sympathy as KKP has powerbombed Ninja from the top rope! KKP covers! One! Two! The Expositioner with the save!
BILL HEWSON: The action is nonstop in a Superstar Rules match! It's still anyone's match here!
Expo takes down Krusty Kid Paul by grabbing the mohawk! (How was KKP able to hide that 10-inch wonder of hair as Professor P? Things we just weren't meant to know.) Tommy slides back into the ring, and crawls to the prone Ninja, locking his head between the Superstar's legs. Oh no! Total Nonstop Tommy! That's gotta bruise the old ego! Expo's got Paul on his shoulders in a crucifix! "X-PLANATION!" Spinning crucifix toss! KKP lands in the corner, as Expo sets his sights on helping his tag team partner. A kick to the head of Tommy Deathrow make him let go of the Ninja. Expositioner pulls the hair of Deathrow, dragging him to the corner. Mystic Ninja shakes his head, trying to get his bearings. He climbs to the top of a turnbuckle, and walks along the ropes, and lets fly with a Shadow Missile to the face of STD! The crowd oooohs and cheers! He sees KKP on the opposite corner and points to him. The crowd is totally behind Expositioner as he runs in place, and barrels towards Paul. "X-PREEEEESSSSSOOOF!" Paul drops to the mat just in the nick of time as Expositioner lets himself fly with a cross-body and hits the turnbuckle. Paul wastes no time, throwing Expo into a Tree of Woe. The crowd murmurs, as some of the old-timers know what's next.
Crack Rock Steady!
KKP gets his revenge for the Octopus hold as he throws an armbreaker while hanging off the ring apron! Expo cries out in pain and the Ninja looks his way. "I'm coming!" Well, not when Tommy Deathrow holds Ninja's leg and pulls it out from under him. Ninja faceplants on the mat, and Tommy crawls under the rope to find some more plunder. He comes back up with a steel chair, and slides it under the ring rope. Ninja, however, notices it and slides it under his body. Tommy enters the ring. But where's his chair? He just had it a second ago. Oh, well. He shrugs and drops a knee onto Ninja, but he rolls out of the way, exposing the chair. CRUNCH! Tommy Deathrow just kneed a solid steel chair! He shrieks in pain and drops to the mat.
KKP is STILL wrenching the arm of Expo, but Ninja's here to save the day. He scrambles under the rope, runs at KKP, and grabs his head as he stops to the ground. KKP lets go of Expositioner as the back of Paul's head hits the floor, followed by the rest of his body. Expo's now free, and Ninja's motioning to Deathrow in the ring. Deathrow's getting up, putting some weight onto his leg, and well, it's fine for now. NINJATTACK! Headscissors takes Deathrow down to the canvas once more, and Expositioner climbs the ropes, and yells "BINGO TANGOOOO!" Mystic Ninja scrambles to the opposite corner, and the crowd is chanting. "BINGO! TANGO! BINGO! TANGO!" Expo and Ninja both point to the groggy Deathrow and shout "X-TERMINATE!" Deathrow manages to get up, but doesn't see anyone in the ring. He turns around too late! Two pairs of feet fly at him from opposite corners, and he goes down! Ninja covers, and Expo looks over to where Krusty Kid Paul's lying, making sure he doesn't interfere. Morgan Smythe drops to the mat.
One!
Out of nowhere, Ian Smith jumps over the guardrail, sliding into the opposite side of the ring.
Two!
He picks up the steel chair lying on the mat.
THRE-WHACK!
Ninja is caught unawares and rolls off of Deathrow, writhing in pain. The Expositioner turns around, just as Ian Smith runs at him with the steel chair, trying to get him over the ropes. Expositioner ducks, and hurls Smith over his head onto the floor. Krusty Kid Paul catches the manager just in the nick of time. Expositioner sees the two of them, and his eyes go red. He runs at the ropes for a suicide dive, taking down Ian Smith and Krusty Kid Paul! The crowd goes bananas!
BILL HEWSON: Look out, Expo!
Expo hears the announcer and turns around, only to get a face full of steel chair, courtesy of Sir Thomas Deathrow, Esquire. The Expositioner drops to the ground. "Why me?" Ian Smith plays general, telling SAD what exactly to do. Paul drags Expo to the guardrail, and lays his neck on the top metal rail. Tommy grabs the steel chair and climbs to the ring apron. And then he runs, jumps of the apron, and drives the steel chair right into the back of Expo's head.
BILL HEWSON: This is sic