It's time in Calgary, Alberta Canada! 2008 and the first NAPW show of the new year! The Ogden Legion Hall is packed with fans anxiously awaiting the return of New Alberta Pro Wrestling... and they don't have long to wait at all!
"Southern Hospitality" by Ludacris brings out the debuting tag team of Southern Destruction. Dan Miller, the more flamboyant of the duo, slaps hands with fans. He gives a teenaged girl a kiss on the cheek, and she melts. Hank Henderson on the other hand, walks straight to the ring. Dan goes around the ring, greeting as many fans as he can. The fans seem to like the duo. Dan grabs a mic from Frank Warburton. He enters the ring, pats the super serious Hank, on the back. They both are noticeably dressed to wrestle.
DAN MILLER: CALGARY, HOW ARE YOOOUU TONNIGHHHT!
The crowd goes crazy.
DAN MILLER: We was supposed to be interviewed by Josh Reynolds, but we couldn't wait to come out here! The respect we both have for the style of wrestling that was BORN AND BRED IN CALGARY, is tremendous! We love the hard hitting, innovative style that made Bret Hart, The Dynamite Kid, Owen Hart, and Brian Pillman, house hold names!
The pop gets louder!
DAN MILLER: Tonight we get to debut for New Alberta Pro, in a packed house of the most loyal and dedicated fans in the World. We are proud as hell to be in this company, and tonight... SOUTHERN DESTRUCTION WILL ENTERTAIN YOU! WE WILL SHOCK YOU! WE WILL NEVER BORE YOU! AND WE SHALL TAKE OUR OPPONENTS TO THE EXTREME!
He tosses his mic to Hard Hittin' Hank.
HANK HENDERSON: I ain't much of a talker, I let my two fists and my "Hard Hittin" moves talk for me! So, Dan's dressed to wrestle. I'm all taped up and ready to go... so let's start this show off NOW!
DAN MILLER: Everyone got they popcorn ready?
The crowd is ready, and then the music stars. "BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS!" The crowd ... cheers? "Bad Boy" Joey Malone comes out wearing both his Extreme Jobber title belt and his REBEL Pro World Tag title belt! Chris Kamikaze is right beside him, looking slick in his aviator shades and bomber jacket!
FRANK WARBURTON: The next match is a tag team attraction! Already in the ring at a combined weight of four-hundred and fifty-four pounds... "The Dynasty" Dan Miller, "Hard Hittin'" Hank Henderson, SOUTHERN DESTRUCTION! And their opponents, at a total combined weight of four-hundredy and thirty-five pounds... the team of CHRIS KAMIKAZE and "BAD BOY" JOEY MALONE!
BILL HEWSON: And talk about a shock to start the new year... our very own "Bad Boy" Malone last week in North Carolina became ONE-HALF of the REBEL Pro tag team champions alongside the dude, Warren! They put the nail in the coffin of the C.A.B.S.! You have to wonder if Joey's REBEL success can translate back here to New Alberta Pro?
JACK JONES: With that goof Kamikaze as his partner? Not likely! Joey Malone is a fluke and outside of that garbage REBEL wrestling he'll be exposed for what he really is!
BILL HEWSON: The teams are both in the ring and ready to go! It looks like "Bad Boy" Joey Malone and "Hard Hitting'" Hank Henderson will start out for their respective teams... Morgan Smythe is the referee.
JACK JONES: This should be a quick match as Southern Destruction get to start off easy against Joey Malone and Chris Kamikaze. But at least we get to look at a pretty zebra.
BILL HEWSON: Well I don't know about that, Joey Malone is riding a two-match win streak in REBEL Pro Wrestling... nobody thought he'd be one-half of the REBEL Pro Tag team champions. I mean it, NOBODY thought that!
JACK JONES: Well yeah, but that's in REBEL PRO.
Joey Malone and Hank Henderson start off the match. They shake hands in a sign of respect before circling each other. They lock up in a good old-fashioned collar and elbow. Henderson quickly takes control and slaps an armbar on Joey's left arm before turning it into and HammerLock. Malone fights to get loose but Henderson cranks up the pressure! Henderson scoops up Joey Malone and puts him down hard with a hammerlock slam.
BILL HEWSON: Henderson looks to be focusing on the left arm of the "Bad Boy" early in this match.
JACK JONES: Yes! Good old-fashioned, old-school rasslin', like I perfected back in the day.
BILL HEWSON: Oh brother.
Henderson goes back to work on Malone's arm, driving his knee into the elbow while Malone is prone on the mat. Joey gets to a knee with Henderson still wrenching his arm but Joey responds with three shots to the gut that cause Hank to let go! Joey elbows Hank in the back of the head and then hits the ropes and attempts a DDT --- blocked by Henderson who shoots Joey into the ropes and catches Joey in his "Pine on the Spine" Spinebuster. Henderson goes for the early cover! Smythe counts the pin - one, two, kick-out by Malone.
BILL HEWSON: Malone kicks out. You know a year ago, I would have thought that would be IT, but the "Bad Boy" is showing some heart as of late!
JACK JONES: Oh yeah, STOP THE PRESSES Hewson, Joey Malone kicked out! GIVE HIM THE COVER OF BIG-WHOOP MAGAZINE!
BILL HEWSON: What is wrong with you?
Back in the ring Henderson drops an elbow on Joey and drags him to his corner; he tags in the "Dynasty" Dan Miller. The girls in the crowd squeal with delight. Henderson picks up Malone and twists his left arm as Miller comes off the top turnbuckle with a double Axe-Handle to the elbow. Southern Destruction then hit Joey with the Total Elimination! Malone gets taken out, this could be all as Miller covers Malone!
ONE...
TW...
Chris Kamikaze with the save. As Morgan Smythe gets up and tells Kamikaze to leave the ring, Miller picks Malone up off the mat. Joey counters with a low blow.
BILL HEWSON: Not a great technical move but effective than the less.
JACK JONES: This isn't REBEL, Malone! Disqualify him ref!
BILL HEWSON: Well, she didn't see the move... and the fans seem to love it! They're having a hard time picking who they want to cheer for.
Joey Malone plants Dan Miller with a DDT! Malone climbs to second turnbuckle pulls down the strap to his singlet and comes off with a flying fistdrop.
BILL HEWSON: Joey Malone just did his Jerry Lawler impression.
JACK JONES: I thought he only stole moves from Stylin' Kyle Roberts, what gives? He better not try any of my moves.
BILL HEWSON: I doubt he will, he wants to win the match.
JACK JONES: Hey what's that crack supoosed to mean?!
Joey whips Miller into the ropes near his and Kamikaze's corner and knocks him down with a shoulderblock. Joey tags Chris Kamikaze into the match. Kamikaze climbs the turnbuckle and comes off with a with a top rope splash... that actually connects! The crowd gasps as Kamikaze actually hits a move for once. Kmaikaze goes back up the turnbuckle and comes off again win a moonsault but Miller gets his knees up this time. He grabs Kamikaze and plants him with a snap Suplex. Miller drags Kamikaze across the ring and tags in Henderson. Southern Destruction whip Kamikaze into the ropes and put him down with a double drop kick! Miller quickly climbs the turnbuckles --- Henderson grabs and hurls him on top of Kamikaze! Rocket Launcher! Henderson steps out as Miller covers...
ONE...
TWO...
"Bad Boy" kicks Miller in the back of the head!
BILL HEWSON: Joey Malone with the save.
JACK JONES: You mean they haven't lost yet?
BILL HEWSON: It's a new year, Jack Attack! And a new Joey Malone!
Malone and Kamikaze send Miller into the ropes and Joey Malone hits a Rocker Dropper! Joey leaves the ring as Kamikaze climbs the turnbuckles... Kamikaze flies with a Frog Splash attempt but Miller iss no where to be found! Kamikaze crashes and burns on the mat. Now, Dan Miller quickly scales the turnbuckles himself and waits for Kamikaze to stand up. Kamikaze gets to his feet and never sees Dan hit him with the Miller High Life. Dan Miller with a cover...
ONE...
Malone breaks it up! Henderson climbs in the ring and grabs Joey, irish whip... Henderson follows in close and nails a clothesline that sends Joey over the top to the floor! Miller quickly puts Kamikaze on the top turnbuckle as Morgan Smythe tries to regain control...
BILL HEWSON: I think I know what's coming.
JACK JONES: Yeah Southern Destruction is about to put the losers away with a move they call "Hard Hittin' and Side Splittin'!"
Back in the ring Henderson and Miller come off the top turnbuckle with Kamikaze and drive him down into the mat. Miller makes the cover as Joey Malone attempts to get back into ring and break it up but is met by Hank Henderson. Miller hooks a leg, Smythe counts
ONE...
TWO...
THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here are your winners, SOUTHERN DESTRUCTION!
BILL HEWSON: Southern Destruction won the match but not as easily as some people thought they would. Hats off to both teams!
JACK JONES: Really, some people just don't when to keep quiet.
Back in the ring Morgan Smythe raises and thens lowers the arms of Henderson and Miller as the still groggy Malone and Kamikaze walk over to shake hands with their opponents.
BILL HEWSON: Nice show of sportsmanship there by the two teams.
JACK JONES: What is this, little league?
BILL HEWSON: I'm not surprised that's wasted on you, Jack Attack. Strong effort from Joey Malone and Kamikaze, but it's Southern Destruction on their way to the pay window tonight in Calgary!
"Holy Diver" by Dio begins to play as Gregory Zade makes his way to the ring. His theme is downed out by the crowd beginning to chant, "Beast is going to kill you, Beast is going to kill you! "
FRANK WARBUTON: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first on his way to the ring standing five-foot eleven inches and weighing in at two-hundred twenty-five pounds... from Liverpool, England... GREGORY ZADE!
"No one's gonna take me alive!
The time has come to make things right!"
The fans are own their feet as "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse blasts through the sound system.
FRANK WARBUTON: And now... he is a former world champion fighting out of St. Albert, Alberta! Weighing in at two-hundred and seventy pounds and standing six-feet, three inches tall... he is the man called THE BEAST!
BILL HEWSON: The crowd is firmly behind "The Beast" in this way. We will just have to see if the crowd has any affect on Zade.
JACK JONES: I believe the kid will be okay. He seems focused. He knows if he can pull off the upset here he jumps up a bunch of spots in the rankings.
Zade doesn't wait for the bell as he catch "The Beast" off guard with a drop kick! He follows up with a DDT as Dick Kiebiech calls for the bell. Zade goes for the early cover, but The Beast bench presses him and tosses him off before even a one count! Both men on their feet now. Richards catches Zade with a powerful clothesline, then picks the man up and whips him into the ropes. Bruce catches him as he comes off the ropes with a thunderous power slam.
BILL HEWSON: The kid got off to a quick start, but things aren't looking too good for him right now.
JACK JONES: Hell, at least he had the balls to jump "the beast" before the bell.
The crowd is really getting behind Richards now as he assaults Zade with a serious of lariats. Richards tosses Zade of the ropes again this time catching him and putting him in the human torture rack. Dick Kiebiech checks for the submission, but Richards breaks the hold, as he sets Zade up for Cobra Clutch Bomb. Zade manages to roll under the ropes to the outside of the ring as he tries to shake off the effects of the Cobra Clutch Bomb. The referee begins to counts...ONE...TWO... "The Beast" tires of waiting for Zade and FLIES!
BEAST OUTTA CONTROL NO-HANDS SUICIDE PLANCHA!
CROWD GOES SQUASH!
Richard then tosses Zade back in the ring and climbs to the top rope for a moonsault.
BILL HEWSON: If he lands this it could be over! Two-hundred seventy pounds flying off the top!
JACK JONES: This match was over before it even begin. I think "The Beast" was just toying with him.
Bruce lands the moonsault and goes for the cover as Dick Kiebiech starts the count. ONE...TWO... NO. The BEAST pulls Zade up before the three! He shakes his head to the crowd, saying "That isn't enough!" Whip to the corner, Zade slumped as Beast charges... STINGER SPLASH! Zade stumbles out of the corner and gets scooped up onto The BEast's shoulders! CROWD KNOWS WHAT'S COMING---
CHART ATTAAAAAACK!
The crowd is loving it as "The Beast" lands his signature move then covers Zade. Referee Dick Kiebiech starts the count...ONE...TWO...THREE!
FRANK WARBUTON: HERE IS YOUR WINNER... BRUCE "THE BEAST" RICHARDS!
BILL HEWSON: The crowd surely enjoyed the match, but I don't think the same can be said for Gregory Zade.
JACK JONES: I don't think this match was about Gregory What's his name in the mind of "The Beast". I think this match was about sending a message to Donovan Astros and everyone else that in 2008... "The Beast has been unleashed!"
JACK JONES: And then the police tell me I'm under arrest. I was like, why can't a man relieve himself in nature?
BILL HEWSON: The parking lot at West Edmonton Mall isn't exactly nature.
JACK JONES: Siding with the Five-O? You're no friend of mine!
BILL HEWSON: I'll remember that the next time you ask to borrow money!
JACK JONES: ...
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is set for one fall to a finish. It's for the NAPW Tag Team Championship and it will be fought under... SUPERSTAR RULES!
"GO!"
Drowning Pool, with the metal legend Rob Zombie on vocals, plays throughout the arena. Through the curtain comes out "The Falcon" Jacob Venar and his very accomplished tag team partner, Lloyd Rees. The crowd goes insane for the duo. Venar slaps hands with the fans at ringside, as Lloyd Rees goes to the ring. The crowd is drowning out Drowning Pool and the music stops.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing the challengers. First hailing from Bell Island, Newfoundland. He weighs in tonight at two hundred forty six and one half pounds. He is a member of the GRAND SLAM CLUB, previously holding the NAPW World, Provincial, Tag Team and Television titles. He is THE EAST COAST SENSATION, THE TECHNICAL TERROR, L...D...K!!! LLOYD REES!
The crowd pops big time.
FRANK WARBURTON: His partner hails from Parts Unknown, British Columbia. He weighs in tonight at two hundred thirty pounds. He is THE FALCON! JACOB VENAR!
Even bigger pop. The pop ends with NAPALM DEATH's "When All Is Said and Done" blaring through the speakers. Boos rain from every direction in the building. Fans show their various anti KKP signs, such as "DRUGS ARE FOR LOSERS" and "DEATH METAL SUCKS." Ouch... apparently some Garth Brooks fans in the audience. But anyways, out walks Ian Smith leading Krusty Kid Paul and Tommy Deathrow. Krusty K. Paul has an annoyed/angered look on his face. He waits at the top of the aisle way, hearing the haterade being poured on him. The hate doesn't seem to bother the STD though. He's holding his NAPW tag belt in one hand, and a fifth of Jim Beam in the other! Well behind the group, we see Dextro walk out pushing a shopping cart full of weapons. STD takes a swig, swallows then leads the pack to the ring. He walks with an air of confidence surrounding him. He completely ignores his partners around him, and stops in the middle of walking to the ring. He goes over to a fan, and lets the fan rub his nipples. That guy is one lucky fan! Tommy then continues on, with KKP behind him, along with Ian Smith, and the shopping cart full of violent goodies being pushed by the Meth-Orphan, Dextro.
FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponents. They weighed in tonight at a combined weight of four-hundred ninety-four pounds. They are accompanied to the ring by Dextro and Ian Smith. "The Superstar" Tommy Deathrow... Krusty Kid Paul... they are the reigning NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, SEXY! ADORABLE! DRUNKS!
Morgan Smythe has a wild match on her hands as the bell sounds.
JACK JONES: Who you pickin' here?
BILL HEWSON: I think the team of Venar and Rees have a legit shot at winning, but don't ever count out SAD!
JACK JONES: Your wife makes ALL the decisions for you, don't she?
A stop sign gets tossed in the ring, as well as the Fifth of Jim Beam. Rees catches the bottle, and takes a swig. Rees can drink with the best of them, and will at any chance given. He throws the bottle to the corner where a ring attendant grabs it, sitting it by the commentators table. Tommy doesn't take kindly to his liquor touching another mans lips, and enters the ring quickly taking Rees down. He starts wailing with rights and lefts, but is quickly placed in a Fujiwara Armbar. Venar wastes little time as KKP is trying to unload the cart with the help of Dextro. OVER THE TOP ROPE SUICIDE DIVE HITTING KKP AND DEXTRO. Dextro hits his head on the guardrail... we all hope the railing wasn't injured. In the ring, Lloyd Rees is trying to take off the arm of Tommy Deathrow. Ian Smith gets on the ring apron, and Rees lets go of the hold. Ian quickly drops down, and Rees turns back around to meet a boot to the stomach. DOMINATOR! Tommy doesn't cover, but would rather stick his hand down his pants, adjust himself, then apply a claw hold to Rees!
BILL HEWSON: THE SWEATY BALL CLAW! That move is more disgusting than watching you exercise in tights.
JACK JONES: It might not be a "sweaty" ball claw just yet... how do you know that his balls are already sweaty?
BILL HEWSON: I'm ignoring that as VENAR DROPKICKS TOMMY!
Tommy is forced to release the hold. Krusty Kid Paul is stirring with Ian Smith's help. Venar drops a leg drop to the downed Tommy Deathrow. Venar goes to the top rope and FLIES THROUGH THE AIR, HITTING THE GUARDRAIL? KKP PUSHED HIM OFF! Paul does a Cactus Jack style elbow drop on the floored Falcon. "BANG BANG!" Krusty Kid Paul leaves the wincing and downed Venar, to join his brother from another mother in the ring. Rees is up and gets clipped from behind by KKP. STD turns around and stomps LDK, with STD's BFF, KKP, getting his kicks in too. ALL HAIL ABBREVIATIONS! Venar is being berated by Ian Smith, but isn't touched by him, as Ian keeps a smart, yet safe distance.
JACK JONES: Dextro is up finally and throws a Singapore Cane into the ring. Good boy!
Krusty Kid Paul gets the cane, and lays in to Rees. Venar is finally moving and trying to get up. Tommy picks up Rees and they hold him. KKP unloads with a shot to the head with the cane. Venar off the top rope: CLOTHESLINE ON KKP! Tommy releases Rees, and goes after Venar. FALCON ARROW ON THE FALCON! Tommy goes for the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
REES WITH THE SAVE!
Rees and Tommy begin punching each other on the ground and they roll out of the ring. Dextro throws a can of beer to Tommy, who catches it, boots Rees in the stomach. He opens the beer, drinks some, then smashes the can in the head of Rees.
BILL HEWSON: Rees is bleeding from the top of his head. His hair is black but you can see the blood sticking to it.
JACK JONES: What do you expect? It's Superstar Rules, somebody's going to bleed!
Rees is on one knee and Tommy stands over him, licking his lips then spits toward the crowd. Tommy is in control... WAIT, REES WITH DOUBLE LEG TAKE DOWN. He locks in the LANCE COVE LEGLOCK ON TOMMY ON THE FLOOR! KKP and Venar are battling in the ring, and are going toe to toe. Venar kicks KKP in the stomach and goes for the ROCKER DROPPER... KKP BLOCKS IT, AND HITS A RING SHAKING SPINE BUSTER! The cover.
ONE!
TWO!
KICK OUT BY JACOB VENAR!
JACK JONES: Kid should just stay down.
BILL HEWSON: The heart of this kid will never allow him to "just stay down."
Rees still has his version of the Texas Cloverleaf locked in. Rees finally sees Ian Smith lurking around with the shopping cart, but doesn't release the hold.. Venar and KKP are up, and Venar sends KKP into the ropes, and follows, CLOTHESLINING KKP OVER THE ROPES AND HE HITS THE SHOPPING CART! Dextro tries to help KKP, but receives a baseball slide to the face for the effort. Rees releases the hold and tries to helps Venar load Krusty Kid Paul into the cart. Venar backs up the aisle way and RUNS WITH KKP IN THE CART... BAAAAMMMM! THE CART SMASHES INTO THE RING! CROWD IS GOING CRAZY! Hell, they're chanting "EE SEE DUB! EE SEE DUB!" This is up there with the best of it! Tommy Deathrow is up, and pulls the stop sign out of the ring. He smashes LDK in the head with it. Venar is pounding on KKP! Tommy is opening up the cut on Rees head. He licks his bloody hand, then takes his shirt off. He rubs his nipples with Rees blood!
BILL HEWSON: This is a sick display. Jacob Venar has Paul near us. GET AWAY FROM HERE!
JACK JONES: OH SHIT, WE BETTER MOVE!
Venar, spares the commentators of being table-less, but the time keeper is not as lucky. KKP is put on the table, still dazed from the crash into the ring. Venar receives some duct tape from a fan. He begins taping KKP to the table. Rees is still being pounded on, and Tommy is oblivious to the other situation. Ian Smith and Dextro are trying to undo KKP. Venar climbs into the ring and gets on the turnbuckle.
JACK JONES: He is too far away, he can't hit him! No way!
BILL HEWSON: LIKE A BIRD HE FLIES...THE SMW! KKP CRASHES THROUGH THE TABLE! GOOD GOD VENAR FLEW DAMNED NEAR HALFWAY ACROSS THE BUILDING!
JACK JONES: Both men are motionless! Venar just risked his career, all for the NAPW Tag titles.
BILL HEWSON: The kid will DO ANYTHING! He is determined to be a champion!
Tommy puts Rees in the ring, Rees 'blood covering the chest of STD! Tommy covers the East Coast Sensation, but only gets a two count. Ian Smith and Dextro are trying to revive Krusty Kid Paul. Venar is moving a bit. Tommy Deathrow gets Rees up, and signals "it's over". Boot to the Midsection and DEATHROW DRIVER... NOPE IT'S A BACK BODY DROP, REES COUNTERS! Venar is crawling toward the ring, with KKP still out. Wait, KKP is stirring, and looks mad as hell. He is trying to figure out what happened. Venar is at the ring, trying to get up. KKP, tries standing, only to go back to one knee, clutching his ribs in the process. Venar spots KKP, and goes toward him, after finally reaching his feet. KKP finds the liquor bottle of STD, and tosses it at Venar's head! IT DOESN'T BREAK, BUT VENAR IS ON THE GROUND IN PLENTY OF PAIN! KKP crawls over and breaks the bottle on the floor. KKP IS CARVING THE BROKEN BOTTLE INTO VENAR'S HEAD!
JACK JONES: That's Jacob's receipt for that table smashing incident.
BILL HEWSON: The glass has cut him badly. KKP picks him up PILE DRIVER ON THE FLOOR! Oh my God! Jacob Venar --- his neck may be broken! SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH!
JACK JONES: A SUPERSTAR PARTY DON'T STOP!
Venar is limp on the ground. Ian Smith is mocking Venar. KKP rolls gingerly into the ring. Rees has Tommy Deathrow locked in the Figure Four Leg-lock. KKP stomps the bloody head with his very heavy boots. Rees covers up, but the boots of KKP are devastating. Rees releases the hold, and tries getting up, only to be kicked again. KKP measures Rees and lets him get up finally. RUNNING DDT BY KKP, NOPE REVERSED! NORTHERN LIGHT SUPLEX! Rees had the move well scouted. Rees gets up, woozy still and places KKP in a Camel Clutch. It doesn't last long, as Tommy Deathrow receives a crutch from Dextro. THE CRUTCH BREAKS OVER THE BACK OF LLOYD REES! Tommy Deathrow is in control again. He has a deranged look on his face. He calls over Dextro, and gets a lighter and cigarette from him. STD lights the cigarette and takes a drag. He then looks over at Rees and smiles sadistically.
JACK JONES: He is gonna cigarette burn Rees!
BILL HEWSON: He is trying too, but Rees has his wrist. Rees boots Tommy in the gut, then flips him over by the wrist. CROSS ARM-BREAKER APPLIED AS THE CIGARETTE FLIES OUT OF THE RING.
Rees lets it go, then applies the CONCEPTION BAY CHIN-LOCK ON THE SUPERSTAR! KKP is up and spots it. BUT WAIT, JACOB VENAR IS UP! He yells for Paul to turn around. SUPER KICK TO KKP'S CHIN! Venar gets all his strength, all his might and applies the TALON CLUTCH! Both Sexy Adorable Drunks are in very painful, match ending submissions! Dextro and Ian Smith in the ring!
JACK JONES: Jacob and Rees release the holds. They must be aware that anything is legal in this match!
BILL HEWSON: That doesn't make it right!
Ian Smith cowers and runs into the crowd. Dextro is going after Venar. Rees grabs up Dextro from behind. He turns him around... WABANA BUSTER! Both men are being cheered, as they bleed badly! They go after S.A.D and PRINCE DARKO HITS THE RING WITH A CHAIR! Rees gets nailed from behind. Venar turns around into a thunderous chair shot. The crowd is booooooinnnnggg like crazy. The Afro Wearing Alpha Male slams down the chair in middle of the ring and ZAMUNDA DRIVER ON VENAR, ON THE CHAIR! Darko exits the ring, and Ian Smith comes over, and the two men hug?
JACK JONES: Damn this is a strange situation!
BILL HEWSON: Is Prince W. Darko the new member of Ian Smith, Inc? He couldn't be, could he?
Tommy and Paul are up! They grab Rees and THEY HIT THE INFAMOUS HANGOVER! THE SICK COMBO SPIKE DDT! They then double cover Jacob Venar, who is out freakin' cold!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
It's over!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winners of the match and STILL NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS... S.A.D.!
BILL HEWSON: If Darko really has joined up with Ian Smith, he now has the most violent and ruthless group of performers in NAPW!
JACK JONES: No... not in NAPW, but in ALL of wrestling. Darko, KKP, and STD? That's a stable fit for violence twenty-four seven.
BILL HEWSON: How the hell will Jacob Venar come back from this hellacious performance. He put Paul through a table courtesy of a long distance SMW! He received a liquor bottle to the head. He got cut badly from the soon to be broken bottle. He then gets pile drove on the floor. He comes back and gets a chair shot and A ZAMUNDA DRIVER! This all leads to Darko, one one one next week?
JACK JONES: He demanded the match for next week. It's all on him.
BILL HEWSON: Rees tried his best tonight, tore S.A.D a part at times with his very excellent submission game, trying to counteract the brawlers. In the end, they had the match nearly won, only for the numbers game to place the advantage toward S.A.D!
We see Darko walking with the tag champs, with Dextro and with his new buddy or possibly new manager, Ian Smith. Venar takes on Darko next week... but in what condition will Venar be?
JACK JONES: And that's what I was doing when I heard John Lennon died.
BILL HEWSON: You know, when John said "all you need is love," he didn't mean THAT kind of love.
JACK JONES: And what, I ask you, is not loving about being paddled while bound and gagged at a rate of 140 an hour?
BILL HEWSON: Well, I --- you know? Just, never mind. Never mind.
FRANK WARBURTON: The next match is set for one fall, and is for the #1 Contendership to the NAPW World Title!
SCIENCE! System of a Down blasts from the PA and out walks/stumbles/herky-jerky style the enigmatic Stein, clad as usual in his torn Delivery Men coveralls. The crowd pops for the unique one as he slowly makes his way to the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, standing five-feet nine inches and weighing one-hundred and eighty pounds... from Parts Unknown, STEIN!
"SURPRISE! YOU'RE DEAD!"
The crowds cheers turn to boos as Faith No More heralds the arrival of the big Jake Phoenix. "The Career Killer." Jake heads to the ring with a nasty look on his face (surprise, surprise) and snarls at the fans catcalling him.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, standing six-feet nine inches and weighing two-hundred and eighty-nine pounds... the #1 contender, JAKE PHOENIX!
BILL HEWSON: First-ever meeting between these two men and a unique match-up if there ever was one! Stein gives up an entire foot and over one-hundred pounds to the Murder City Devil... but as we all know, Stein's slight frame belies surprising strength.
JACK JONES: Strength, smength, Jake can lift one-eighty pounds like he's lifting a newborn baby. That is to say, without any gentleness or difficulty whatsoever.
BILL HEWSON: You're truly a sick man, Jack Attack.
Referee Morgan Smythe in charge of this one. She checks both men, then calls for the bell. Immediately Phoenix stomps over to Stein and punches him in the face.
Technical wrestling at it's finest, folks.
Stein, however, does not respond. Jake rears back and slugs him again, Stein's head snapping back but he seems unfazed. Phoenix tries an irish whip into the corner... Stein pumps his arms furiously, in an attempt to run, but he "bumps" into the corner back-first with little impact. Phoenix screws up his face in confusion, charges in --- Stein takes the body splash and absorbs it! Phoenix is stunned for a minute, and then Stein delivers a thrust chop right to Jake's throat! Phoenix coughs as Smythe tells them to bring it out of the corner. Stein, inexorably, advances on the bigger man, reaching up and again chopping the throat. Phoenix stumbles to the ropes, then explodes out with a LARIAT
Stein catches Phoenix with a flap jack! Face-first into the canvas! A cover, one! And...
BILL HEWSON: Only one, Phoenix just powered Stein off of him! Jake Phoenix doesn't know what to do with Stein, and that works in the unique one's favor! Could you imagine Stein as NAPW World Champion, Jack Attack?
JACK JONES: Only in my worst fever-dreams and acid flashbacks.
Phoenix slugs Stein, who just takes it and stands there GOOZLE! GOOZLE! STEIN WITH HIS IRON LIKE VISE AROUND PHOENIX'S NECK! JAKE BROUGHT DOWN TO A KNEE! Morgan Smythe starts her count, this is clearly a choke, one, two, three, four, Stein registers and
No way
NO WAY
CHOKESLAMS JAKE PHOENIX!
The crowd goes CRAZY! And Stein gives them their money's worth, blinking twice and then responding by doing the HOGAN EAR CUP! MUSCLE POSE! Not that he seems to HAVE any muscle, but---
Unfortunately for Stein, his love of the crowd has allowed Jake Phoenix to get up, and Jake Phoenix is angry. He grabs Stein by the throat and lifts him up high, literally THROWING him into the corner! Stein rattles the turnbuckles and Phoenix is all over him, rights and lefts throwing soupbone after soupbone! Rapid shots to the stomach of Stein! SHOT, SHOT, SHOT, SHOT to the face! Stein doesn't seem to be feeling pain, but his swaying form indicates the effect. Jake with an irish whip... but that doesn't work? NO! SHORT-ARM CLOTHESLINE nearly takes Stein's head off! Phoenix knew a whip wouldn't work, COVER, ONE, TWO, KICK-OUT! Phoenix gets up, drops a big elbow on top of Stein! ONE! TWO! KICK-OUT!
BILL HEWSON: And Jake Phoenix... is unloading his arsenal on Stein! Stein needs to make a comeback here, he has to stop this assault!
JACK JONES: How do you stop a friggin' tank when you're a squishy human? Not that Stein is HUMAN, but you know what I'm saying.
Phoenix pulls up Stein once again, and scoops him up onto his shoulder for a powerslam. But first... he rams Stein back first into one corner! Into another! Then POWERSLAM in the center of the ring! Phoenix hooks the leg and tells Smythe to "(BLEEP)in' COUNT!" ONE! TWO!
KICK-OUT!
Phoenix looks at Smythe, saying are you KIDDING? He pulls Stein up by the wild hair, the crowd breaking out in cheers, trying to rally Stein! Phoenix cinches on a headlock, deciding his next move, Stein! Elbow! Elbow two! Elbow three frees a man! Stein... well... uh... sort of walks to the ropes and "rebounds", coming off
CAUGHT
AND NOW IT'S A JAKE PHOENIX CHOKESLAM.
That's it, that's all, it's over ONE, TWO, TH---
JACK JONES: HOLY HELL.
BILL HEWSON: HE KICKED OUT! Stein kicked out! Jake Phoenix can't BELIEVE it! And--- wait a minute! STEIN WITH A SCHOOL-BOY ROLL-UP! ONE! TWO! Th--- PHOENIX OUT AT THE LAST SECOND!
And NOW Phoenix is more angry than he's been all night. And he's been VERY angry. He picks Stein up again, goozle... NO! UP IN THE AIR, HOLDING HIM, ONE FRIGGING ARM... CHOKESLAM! But that's not enough for Jake Phoenix! He makes the THROAT-CUT, then hauls Stein up! The crowd begs for a comeback, a reversal, but Jake picks the light-weight Phoenix up, turns him upside down and TOMBSTONES Stein straight into the damned canvas! He covers, and that's enough at LAST for ONE! TWO! THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is YOUR winner... JAKE PHOENIX!
Phoenix gets up and tells the fans who the (BLEEP)in' man is. But as he looks down on Stein, he sees a man, paled faced and black-eyed...
SIT UP.
Phoenix almost looks unnerved. Almost. He steps out of the top and heads to the back, only once glancing back at the sight of Stein getting to his feet. Jake Phoenix wins, but who can figure out Stein?
BILL HEWSON: WHAT?
JACK JONES: I know, right?
BILL HEWSON: I can't believe you did that. It's a good thing they threw you out.
JACK JONES: Well, you know what they say. Once you go grey, they won't let you stay.
BILL HEWSON: The poor elderly folks... Anyway, hello, NAPW fans! Welcome back. I'm Bill Hewson alongside Jack "Attack" Jones, and next up is the Heritage title match!
JACK JONES: Y'know, Hewson, you never can get enough of these title matches. I just hope that big-mouthed rookie gets what he deserves.
BILL HEWSON: Big-mouthed? Are we talking about the same guy, here?
"Hands Down Ghandi" by the Legion of Doom hits the PA and the hot-shot newcomer Trent Daniels hits the aisle. He's ready for his first title shot with fierce intensity in his eyes.
JACK JONES: Speak of the devil!
BILL HEWSON: Just look at Trent Daniels! Does he look ready to go, or what?
Daniels hits the ring and climbs the turnbuckle, waving to the fans who are giving him a nice ovation. Legion is drowned out by "Connection" by Elastica, and out walks Stone Zellor, followed closely by lady Sparks, clutching that Heritage title close as though it could be snatched away at any time. The fans show a mixed reaction as he climbs into the ring.
JACK JONES: Now HERE is a man who knows what he's doing!
BILL HEWSON: Stone Zellor has let that Heritage belt drive him insane. He's willing to do anything and everything to keep that belt around his waist, and he even forgot about his dignity.
JACK JONES: Dignity?! Bill, Stone Zellor is one of the many men who have finally figured out that you gotta look out for number one in this business, and you just gotta ingore the hell out of those nosy fans!
BILL HEWSON: ... Did I hear you just call me by my first name for the first time?
JACK JONES: ...
There's the bell! Stone hands his belt off to senior referee John Sharplin, as Trent Daniels waits in his corner. He seems tense with energy, he's ready for his shot at the belt. Sharplin calls for the bell... and Daniels charges at Stone at full speed. Rights! Lefts! Feet! Heads! Trent is throwing everything in Stone Zellor's direction! Trent Daniels relents on the vicious assault and goes for a snapmare but Stone wriggles free and drops down, rolling under the ropes to catch some air. He shakes the cobwebs out of his head as Trent waits. Stone consults with Lady Sparx as Sharplin's count reaches THREE.
JACK JONES: You see, Hewson? That's smart wrestling, right there! Things don't go your way the first time, you back off and re-assess the situation!
BILL HEWSON: You mean that's another way to say Running Scared?
JACK JONES: Yeah, you'd call it that, wouldn't you?
Stone finally rolls in to break up the count at EIGHT and Trent doesn't give him room to breathe! Daniels lays into Stone with punches, axe handles, and forearm blows! Trent grabs Stone and looks for a-- THUMB TO THE EYE! Stone sneaks in with a thumb to the eye out of nowhere and sends Trent D0aniels reeling. Stone stands up, laughing and goes to work on the rookie. Forearm chops and punches to the head. Trent down to one knee. Stone measures him up, SCISSOR KICK--missed! Trent rolls out of the way just in time!
Wasting no time, Daniels takes Stone by surprise with a drop toe hold. Daniels goes for the side headlock, but Stone rolls out of the ring to catch his breath. Daniels doesn't feel like waiting. He chases Stone out of the ring and around the apron. Stone rolls into the ring and Daniels follows, only to be kicked in the back of the head by a sneaky Stone.
JACK JONES: That's the way, Stoney!
BILL HEWSON: ... "Stoney"?
JACK JONES: What?
Daniels is getting impatient. He turns and grabs Stone's foot before he could get in another vicious kick and knocks Stone over right onto his ass. Trent jumps up and tries to lock in some kind of leg maneuver we'll never know the name of because Stone wriggles out and rolls to the outside. Trent isn't gonna fall for this trick any more. He gets a running start--CORKSCREW PLANCHA to the outside! NAILED! Stone didn't see him coming! Both men are out on the floor as Sharplin's count reaches FIVE. At SEVEN, Daniels is up and he rolls Stone back into the ring. The fans are going crazy! Daniels rolls Stone over onto his stomach and locks on a headlock... no a camel clutch... no a... will you make up your mind, Daniels?
JACK JONES: Will you make up your mind, Daniels?!
BILL HEWSON: ... Do I hear an echo?
Daniels can't seem to decide what move to put into the champion, his inexperience showing... but Stone's starting to come around, he'd better think of something. Stone tries to get up, and Trent decides to roll him over into a seated position with a snapmare headlock takedown and then delivers a sick dropkick to the spine. Stone arches his back in pain and groans as the crowd goes "OOOH" from the impact. Stone is temporarily subdued, and Trent takes advantage with a standing surfboard submission move. Trent is having trouble keeping his balance, so drops to one knee and locks the surfboard in tighter, driving his knee between Stone's shoulder blades. Stone yells in pain The crowd is chanting Daniels name. "LET'S - GO - DAN - IELS" CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. Daniels feeds off the crowd and drives his knee into Stone's back harder. Stone's had enough. Stone tries to get to his feet, fighting Daniels' strength with his own. Daniels has the weight and strength advantage and manages to keep the hold locked in. Zellor grunts in defeat, but tries again to break the hold. This time he does get to his feet, and he turns Daniels around into a kick to the gut. Zellor grabs the back of Trent's head and drives his knee into his face. Daniels reels in pain, holding his face. Stone laughs at the rookie and drives his fist into Trent's head. Trent drops to one knee.
The cocky champion looks to the crowd and lets them know who the man is. BOO.
SHOWBOATING ALMOST COSTS HIM! DANIELS WITH A ROLL-UP! ONE! TWO! TH---Stone gets out in the nick of time! Both men back up, Stone is ANGRY --- PIMP SLAP! Trent's head's a spinnin'! Daniels heads for the ropes to pull himself up as Stone stalks his prey. Trent reaches the ropes and pulls himself up, Stone grabs Daniels, out of instinct Daniels elbow goes up fast impacting with Stone's chin! Stone's stunned! Daniels sees his shot. He hits the ropes. On the rebound with a SICK forearm clothesline sending Stone to the floor. Without missing a beat, Daniels hits a standing moonsault on the prone Heritage champ! Daniels goes to the top! He's calling to the crowd! Stone Zellor with a low blow! Daniels almost falls off the top rope, but Zellor holds him up.
JACK JONES: That's what you get, Daniels!
BILL HEWSON: That's where rookie's always lose momentum.
JACK JONES: Yeah, with stupid moves like thinking he can actually beat Stone Zellor!
BILL HEWSON: I was gonna say loss of focus on his opponent.
Stone climbs the turnbuckle, setting up for a superplex. Daniels is fighting it! Shots to the head! Forearms! Punches! Kick to the gut! Daniels calling for it! SYSTEM CRASH! Stone fighting --- NO! SYSTEMS CRASH CONNECTS! STONE IS DOWN! Daniels just needs to throw his arm over...
And Lady Sparks pulls Stone out of the ring! What the hell?!
BILL HEWSON: Trent Daniels has this match won! John Sharplin is making his ten count as Stone gets his bearings on the floor, but... oh wait just a damned minute! Stone Zellor has had enough of Trent Daniels! He and Lady Sparks are walking out!
The crowd is getting angry. In the ring, John Sharplin is up to SEVEN as Stone and Lady Sparks are done. Trent Daniels is up, worn out, but wondering if he ought to go after Stone... EIGHT! NINE! It's too late, TEN! Sharplin calls for the bell and the crowd buzzes in confusion.
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match by count-out...
TRENT DANIELS!
The crowd POPS as Sharplin raises Trent's arm in victory! Unfortunately, Frank is not done.
FRANK WARBURTON: However, as the Heritage Championship belt can not change hands on a count-out, STILL Heritage champion... STONE ZELLOR!
BILL HEWSON: This crowd doesn't like that finish at all and I don't blame them one bit! Stone Zellor is STILL Heritage champion, but he hasn't even won a single title defense. Something has to be done!
JACK JONES: Yeah, somebody has to beat him in the ring. The challenger has to beat the champion, the champion doesn't have to beat the challenger. And Trent Daniels didn't beat the champion!
Daniels is 2-0 in NAPW, but he's got to be disappointed in how he won. Meanwhile Stone Zellor and Lady Sparks pose at the curtain before disappearing through it. The fans chant "BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT." But Stone doesn't care. He's still got the H-izzle title 'round his waist.
Jones and Hewson stop bantering because the lights go out in the Ogden Legion Hall. The crowd's down to a murmur too. Near silence, cut by...
Four cellos???
PATH????????
The crowd comes unglued hearing the entrance music of the 'White Collar Assassin', but that quickly turns to anger as a spotlight drops on the entranceway, and it isn't Ravager coming out, but the Murder City Devils, Jake Phoenix and the NAPW World Champion Donovan Astros, instead. The Devils are getting booed mercilessly as they make their way to the ring, Astros smirking and smiling, Phoenix scowling at the vocal fans along the rail. Astros climbs up the ringsteps and the turnbuckles, posing atop the ring with the NAPW World title, Phoenix snatching the microphone away from Frank Warburton and tossing it up to Astros before climbing into the ring himself. Astros hops off the turnbuckle and slings the title belt over his shoulder as the lights come back up full.
ASTROS: You know, Calgary, it's really damned funny what goes on in the mind of Terry Brandon and Wahoo Winchell. They didn't take too kindly to the end of Black Thursday III... the end of Ravager... the end of Bruce Richards's title reign... the end of your heroes and the beginning of the year of the Devils. They've decided to punish us... and their idea of punishment is to sign a match, next week in Edmonton, with a team called 'The New and Improved D-X'.
A massive pop from the crowd at the mention of the former 5-time tag champs.
ASTROS: Now, I don't know about you, Jake, but this doesn't really seem like punishment at all.
PHOENIX: Let's see here - we've already beaten the (BLEEP) outta Richards. We already made Kyle Roberts look like a (BLEEP)in' moron. We already made the Kurtises our personal bitches, we sent Ravager straight to nowhere where he (BLEEP)in' belongs... and now after all this, they're tossing Beast and Roberts at us again? What the (BLEEP) are they thinkin'?
ASTROS: They're not thinkin', that's the problem. You want us to face Roberts and Richards? We sure the Hell ain't scared of no big, bad Beast... and Kyle? If you think you're "smarter than me"... try watching the DVD of Black Thursday one more time and ask Bruce Richards which one of us was the smartest man walking out of Edmonton?
Astros slaps the title belt again.
ASTROS: The sudden fifteen pound weight loss should remind him.
PHOENIX: Let's make something clear--SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP!
Loud boos as the crowd begins heckling the Devils even louder. PHOENIX: Let's make something clear - this is the (BLEEP)in' Year of the Devils! D-X, Roberts, Beast, you ain't gonna stand in our way! NAPW is (BLEEP)in' OURS NOW! We've got the World title, we're gonna have the tag titles, the Heritage title, and (BLEEP), Roberts, when we're all finished with you, Beast is goin' right to Hell with Ravager, and YOUR (BLEEP)in' REBEL title's comin' to *ME!*
ASTROS: NAPW, from this day forward, this is the Devils' Playground, an-
"No one's gonna take me alive!
The time has come to make things right!"
The crowd explodes at the sound of Bruce "The Beast" Richards' entrance music. He stands at the curtain, no longer the NAPW World Champion but still standing as tall as ever. His destruction of Gregory Zade earlier tonight is fresh in everybody's minds. Astros & Phoenix look amused and disgusted, as Bruce gets a microphone and addresses the crowd.
BRUCE RICHARDS: You know, I thought I might have found you two out here. It started smelling a whole lot nicer backstage.
PHOENIX: (BLEEP) you, Richards! You ain't the champ any more--
BRUCE RICHARDS: Shut the hell up, Phoenix. If I wanted to hear bull(BLEEP) and nonsense, I'd try and talk about math with Krusty Kid Paul. For now, you either keep your trap shut, or else you come out here and put your money where your mouth is.
The crowd cheers at the idea of Bruce and Phoenix getting into a ringside brawl, and Phoenix takes a step towards the ropes, but Astros holds him back.
BRUCE RICHARDS: I figured as much. Now, this match we have coming up. D-X versus The Murder City Devils. It's going to be big, everyone with a brain knows that. (Scratches his beard.) Phoenix, maybe I should repeat myself. (Speaks slowly.) This. Is. Going. To. Be. A. Big. Match.
The crowd laughs, and now it's Astros turn to get on the mic.
ASTROS: Richards, the only thing that's going to be big about this match is the walk of shame that you and Roberts are going to have to make out of the ring after we embarrass you. AGAIN.
BRUCE RICHARDS: You're sure of that?
ASTROS: Positive.
BRUCE RICHARDS: How about we make it a little more interesting, then? Put a little something on the outcome of the match? Pick your poison, Astros.
Phoenix and Astros look at each other questioningly, then nod and Astros addresses Bruce.
ASTROS: All right. Here's the deal, mister FORMER champ. When Phoenix and I destroy you next Tuesday night in Edmonton and retire D-X AGAIN, I don't want you coming back again and again like some bad Korean food. So when The Devils win, you don't get a shot at this belt for as long as I'm the champ. Which means you don't get a shot at this belt until, what, 2010 maybe?
Bruce considers his proposal for a minute, the crowd pleading for him not to take the deal, but then he nods his head.
BRUCE RICHARDS: That sounds reasonable, Astros. I'm all right with that. But when Kyle and I win? I get a rematch. And not just any rematch. You and me, Astros. Whatever kind of a match I want. If I want a cage to keep your crony Phoenix out of the ring, I get it. If I want a dog collar match to keep you within arms length, I get it. If I come up with something else? I get it. And I have a VERY active imagination, Astros. So what do you say?
ASTROS: What do I say... what do I say... what I say is this, Beasty... you wanna pick the stips if you win? Not a problem, big man, cause you see, there's not a hope in Hell of you beating the Murder City Devils. Hell, looking at the numbers tonight, you might not make it out of here tonight on your own two feet!
Phoenix smiles and cracks his knuckles, walking over to hold the ropes open for Richards.
ASTROS: You see, the two of us are here, ready to go. Where's your partner, Bruce? Where's Kyle Roberts? Where's the other half of the so-called 'greatest tag team in NAPW history'? And where is he gonna be next week at One Night Only? Beast, I wouldn't worry about any title match... if I were you... I'd worry about making it out of January in one piece.
"Cult Of Personality" blasts over the PA as Astros chucks the microphone back in the direction of Frank Warburton. Phoenix and Astros leave the ring and head towards the entranceway, but Bruce Richards isn't giving any ground!
BILL HEWSON: We've got ourselves a tense situation here, fans! Big news going into One Night Only!
JACK JONES: Richards needs to get out of the Devils' way! He's interrupting their business!
Referees get in between the Devils and Richards as Phoenix and Astros pass the Beast on their way to the back. Richards doesn't take his eyes off the champ until he goes through the curtain. Richards raises his hands to the crowd's approval.
BILL HEWSON: Next week in Edmonton, Devils vs. D-X, if the Devils win, Richards gets no shot at a rematch for the NAPW World title! If D-X wins, Richards calls his shot!
JACK JONES: But who knows if Kyle Roberts is even going to show up! It's really looking like the year of the Devils, Bill!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is scheduled for one fall!
Warren Zevon's "Disorder In The House" starts up as Teddy Davis appears at the top of the aisle, with a rather nice pop from the crowd too. But after what they saw earlier tonight, this man might be a hero in twenty minutes time.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first! He weighs in at two-hundred-twelve pounds and hails from Chatsworth, Ontario... TEDDY DAVIS!
And Davis makes his way down the aisle, slapping hands with a few fans along the way, before his music begins to die down.
"I want everybody in this room to know, YOU CAN'T WHOOP ME!"
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, being accompanied by Ian Smith, weighing in at two-hundred-twenty-seven pounds. PRINCE W. DARKO!
And with the AKForty theme booming throughout the arena - accompanied by the sound of the crowd booing - Prince W. Darko and Ian Smith begin to make their way down the aisle. Needless to say, the crowd hate them. But they're soaking it up as they stroll towards the ring.
BILL HEWSON: Prince Darko has signed a deal with the devil here tonight, and who would have thought he could sink any lower?
JACK JONES: Come on, Hewson. Prince Darko, Ian Smith, Sexy Adorable Drunks - it's a match made in heaven! Ian Smith, Inc is the wave of the future!
The bell sounds and this match is underway. Darko shouts "can't whoop me" before slapping his opponent - but Davis strikes right back and gets a cheer from the crowd! More rights from Teddy Davis has his opponent reeling back against the ropes before he goes for an Irish whip. Reversed. Darko sends his opponent across the ring; lariat by Davis! The Zamunda Prince gets back to his feet - snap suplex takes him back down. He tries again, but Davis hits him with a snapmare and a dropkick to the back of the head - and Darko rolls to the outside.
BILL HEWSON: It looks like Prince Darko may have bitten off more than he could chew this week.
JACK JONES: I'd hate to meet the man who's too much for Prince Darko.
The fans jeer as Ian Smith consoles his client on the outside, but Darko's heading back to the ring as Morgan Smythe gets up to a four count. Davis is waiting in the ring for him, signaling for a collar and elbow tie-up, which Darko happily obliges to - and pokes Davis in the eye. Smythe admonishes the former Heritage champion, who insists his hand slipped; moments before connecting with a knee to the midsection. Davis is pushed back into the corner as Darko begins to unload a series of knees to the gut. One after the other until it appears there's no more air to knock out of Teddy Davis - at which point his eyes are raked. Morgan Smythe, again, admonishes Prince Darko for his dirty tactics, but he doesn't care. He lifts Davis back to his feet before body slamming him back to the canvas. Followed by a leg drop, and a cocky cover for the one count. Davis is dragged back to his feet again as Prince Darko applies a side headlock.
"Can't whoop me!"
But it appears that Davis might be able to as he lifts Darko up, and drops him with an atomic drop. A lariat by Davis takes his opponent down, but Darko springs back up. Davis goes for the Irish whip, but it's countered as Prince Darko goes for a lariat - DUCKED - BACKDROP SUPLEX! That one dropped Prince Darko on the back of his head, but he's groggily getting back to his feet, but he's caught by a boot to the gut. Teddy Davis goes against the ropes - KNEE LIFT! Right to the side of the head - but Prince Darko is still standing. Piledriver by Teddy Davis, and he's hooked the leg!
ONE!
TWO!
THNOOOOO!
Darko gets a shoulder up at the last second, and the fans can't believe it. Well, a few can...
BILL HEWSON: Teddy Davis with an impressive flurry that almost put his opponent away there.
JACK JONES: Teddy Davis can't whoop Prince Darko. Nobody can!
BILL HEWSON: There's a few people out there who'd disagree with you there, namely most tag teams in NAPW in the last two years.
JACK JONES: That's the past, and that was Thomas Young's fault. Prince Darko can't be whooped! NEVER!
Back to the match, and Teddy Davis is lifting Prince Darko back to his feet. He connects with a boot to the gut before running against the ropes -- WAIT -- Ian Smith grabs Teddy Davis' foot, but Morgan Smythe hasn't seen it! Davis stumbles, but he hasn't fallen - in fact he's reaching through the ropes to grab Ian Smith! And the crowd explode in cheers!
BILL HEWSON: It looks like Ian Smith is going to get his just desserts!
Ian Smith is being held by the collar as Teddy Davis threatens to sock him. The crowd cheer him on, urging him to whack that smug bastard - but Darko's up! He charges - and Davis moves out of the way!
JACK JONES: NOOOO!
BILL HEWSON: Prince Darko just knocked Ian Smith clean off the apron, and the Prince is shocked!
So shocked he's caught from behind by a schoolboy roll up!
ONE!
TWO!
THREENOOOO!
BILL HEWSON: Prince Darko managed to kick out!
Both competitors get back to vertical bases, but it's Davis who strikes first. He connects with a boot to the gut as he goes for an Irish whip, sending Darko running against the ropes. Back body drop? NO! LAID OUT NUMBER TWO! And Darko nailed that one. Teddy Davis is down and clutching at the back of his head as his opponent stands over him...
"CAN'T WHOOP ME!"
Prince Darko isn't done though. He drags Davis back up, placing his opponent's head between his legs - piledriver of his own! And now he's heading out onto the apron. Prince Darko points out towards the crowd and, once again, chants out "can't whoop me" before -- JUST PERFECTION -- MISSES! Davis rolls out of the way, and Darko hit nothin' but canvas!
Both men struggle to do so, but they do get to their feet as Davis connects with a boot to the midsection. He hooks Darko's legs - FISHERMAN SUPLEX! But the crowd are booing as Ian Smith is up on the apron, causing quite a scene! Morgan Smythe is distracted as is Teddy Davis -- LOW BLOW! Prince Darko in desperation just nailed Teddy Davis with a low blow from behind, and a ZAMUNDA DRIVER! Darko rolls his opponent over to make the cover as Smith drops down form the apron...
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner, PRINCE W. DARKO!
JACK JONES: Teddy Davis couldn't whoop him, Hewson. I told you so!
BILL HEWSON: And Davis was so close to hitting The Perfect Series, but Ian Smith distracted the referee at the crucial moment.. and Prince Darko took full advantage! I don't remember this being a handicap match!
Ian Smith climbs into the ring as both he and his client stand over the fallen Teddy Davis. They're pointing down at him, laughing, until Prince Darko grabs Davis by the head.
BILL HEWSON: He's not - he can't be. Not another Zamunda Driver!
*POP*
Jacob Venar is running down the aisle! Bloodied. Bandaged. PISSED OFF! And he's charging towards the ring. Ian Smith bails from the ring, but Prince Darko wants to fight! Venar slides in and immediately ducks Darko's attempted lariat. SUPERKICK -- NO! Ian Smith pulls his man from the ring as the pair of them make their way back up the aisle.
Meanwhile, in the ring, and Jacob Venar is helping Teddy Davis back to his feet and receiving a massive ovation for the trouble. Prince Darko has gotten the better of one of the two men he pissed off back at Black Thursday. After everything that's happened tonight... what will happen when Darko and Venar finally hook up next week?
"THE CONNECTION IS MADE!"
The crowd gets hot and angry as Stone Zellor walks out once again, Heritage title cinched tightly around his waist, Lady Sparks at his side. The dastardly duo take their time coming to the ring, but Stone seems to have a point. Stone Zellor grabs a microphone from Frank Warburton at ringside. He slides into the ring, whereupon he holds the ropes open for his valet, Lady Sparks - and the crowd just keeps booing! The music dies down...
STONE ZELLOR: Shut yo' mouths!
And they do so, eventually. When their voices are hoarse.
STONE ZELLOR: Peeps, what you just saw tonight was a wrestlin' masterclass. A lesson in what it takes to be the NAP-dub Heritage champion. An' you saw saw me break Trent Daniels - just like I said I would!
BILL HEWSON: Break Trent Daniels? Stone only retained the title because he walked out on the match! This crowd knows it!
JACK JONES: And the gold is around who's waist? Stone's! And that's all that matters!
The crowd dies down again, and Stone keeps talking. What a jerk.
STONE ZELLOR: An' as much as it pains you peeps, this belt is stayin' 'round my waist for a long time to come. I kept this belt against Stein. Dez Carter couldn't take it from me. Trent Daniels? Broken! Who's next - Jacob Venar? That punk ain't got what it takes to beat me. He couldn't get the job done against the Drunks, he ain't got a chance against me. I'd make him tap in the middle of the ring, just like I would wit' Teddy Davis. The man who lost here against Prince Darko - an' peeps be sayin' his name in the same sentence as mine ... So let me set the record straight, y'know. If Teddy Davis steps in this ring wit' - I'll break him. I'll make him tap out. I will beat him! Dez Carter wants to try again - then I'm gonna knock his teeth down his throat. If he don't know no better than to step in the ring wit' me again, then he deserves everythin' he gets! For I am the Heritag--
BILL HEWSON: HERE COMES DEZ CARTER!
The crowd POPS as Dez Carter rushes to the ring! He slides into the ring and grabs the microphone from a scowling Stone Zellor. The crowd is chanting "DEZ, DEZ, DEZ!"
DEZ CARTER: Stone Zellor, the Heritage Champion. Last month at Black Thursday III you hit me in the back of the head with that title belt you love so much, and you walked out of 2007 still the Heritage Champion. Now I think I just heard you say... "If Dez Carter wants to try again." Well Stone Zellor, there is no IF. You want to knock my teeth down your throat? Stone, just ask Andrew Rossi WHO knocks WHO'S teeth out here in NAPW!
STONE ZELLOR: Who you think you are, comin' out and interruptin' my time?
Dez stands right up to Stone Zellor, eye to eye, nose to nose. He brings the mic up, and says deadly serious.
DEZ CARTER: I'm the next Heritage Champion.
OH SHIT. Stone's nostrils flare in rage. The fans are begging for Dez to knock Stone's block off ---
LADY SPARKS WITH A LOW BLOW. NO! Stone starts stomping on the downed Dez, what a cheap shot by Lady Sparks! She's screaming at Carter, telling him that he's no champion! Stone holds Dez up, Lady Sparks SLAPS HIM across the face! And now Stone is looking for SCAR...
AND THE CROWD ASPLODE
ASUKA KATSURAGI HITS THE RING! SHE JUMPS ON STONE'S BACK!
BILL HEWSON: This is getting out of hand! Stone just dumped Asuka off of him, oh no! Don't do it Stone ---
JACK JONES: He wouldn't hit a lady! But Asuka's no LADY!
BILL HEWSON: PIMP SLAP --- NO! ASUKA DUCKS! LUNGBLOWER ON STONE ZELLOR! OH MY GOSH --- LADY SPARKS TACKLES ASUKA! These two ladies are going at it!
Asuka rolls over Lady Sparks and starts PUNCHING her on the mat! There's no sissy-slap fighting here! Lady Sparks rolls Asuka over herself and starts choking her, Asuka rolls it over again! The crowd FREAKING OUT! Dez Carter is back up, he begins to pull Asuka off of Lady Sparks, trying to separate the two wild women.
And that's when Stone Zellor takes the opportunity, and blasts Dez across the back of the head with the Heritage title.
Again.
Stone hauls Lady Sparks out of the ring, holding her around the waist as she wants a piece of Asuka badly. Dez is down, and oh my, blood pouring out of his head! Asuka is beside him, holding her man. Here comes security and the EMT, this is a bad situation.
Stone and Lady Sparks head up the aisle, drowing in heat. In the ring, Dez sits up, wincing as he gingerly fingers the gap in the back of his skull. He waves off the EMT and slides outside the ring, walking with an arm over Asuka to the back. What a turn of events this is!
Before Frank Warburton gets the chance to say anything, "Cocky" by Kid Rock begins to blaze through the speakers. The fans and everyone else are surprised. This is Dan Ryan vs. KRENSHOV. Chad Kurtis had nothing to do with this match, why is he here? He makes his way past the confused crowed, past the ring and to the commentary table.
CHAD KURTIS: How y'all doin'? I'll be doing commentary with y'all on this match. That a problem?
JACK JONES: No, welcome back!
BILL HEWSON: "The Show" Chad Kurtis joining us for commentary in our semi-main event, back from his leave of absence! How was the time off, Chad?
CHAD KURTIS: Too long. It's time to get back to the action and make 2008 the Year of the Show!
FRANK WARBURTON: This match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Middletown, New Jersey. Wheighing at three hundred fifty pounds, standing at a chilling six feet nine inches...
"AND I AM FINALLY FREE!"
"Attack" begins to blare through the speakers, shaking the arena of five hundred plus.
FRANK WARBUTON: KREEEEEENSHOV!
Krenshov bursts through the aprons with nothing but business on his mind and pain on his eyes. He's ready to take Dan Ryan apart, and will not make any excuses. He makes his way past the gazing fans and towards the ring. His cracks his neck before getting inside the ring.
JACK JONES: This man is serious. I'd hate to be in the ring with him.
CHAD KURTIS: I could take him.
BILL HEWSON: REALLY?
JACK JONES: Don't ever doubt "The Show", Bill.
FRANK WARBUTON: Next to the ring, a native of Houston Texas! Weighing in at three hundred thirty five pounds and standing at an exact height of six feet, seven inches.
"Zero" from Smashing Pumpkins starts to pump through the arena, putting the crowd on notice for who's about to come through the curtains.
FRANK WARBUTON: "THE EGO BUSTER" DAAAAAAAAAN RYAAAAAAAAAAN!
Dan Ryan doesn't waste any time, he cracks his fists and his neck and makes his way right into the ring. Past the fans, past it all, just straight into the fight. The crowd wants to see tow giants scrap, and it's what they will recieve.
Dan and Krenshov tie up in the center ring, testing each other's strength--they're both evenly matched, they realize this isn't going anywhere, they break the hold. Krenshov takes the first swing at Dan, causing him to rub his cheek, a small smile grows wearily across Dan's face. Krenshov looks at him "THIS ISN'T A JOKE." Another punch, this time with enough fire to melt that smile away, forcing Dan to stumble back a little. Dan nods his head, "OKAY!" He rushes at Krenshov with a devastating right, stronger than both of Krenshov's punches put together. Krenshov, just like Dan from before, rubs his cheek, but there's no smiling here, just scowls, snorts, and flaring nostrils. He returns with a huge boot to the stomach, the boot causes Dan to jump up for a bit. Krenshov then sends Dan into the ring post, then begins to club him fiercely with elbows to the face. Although these elbows are slow, they pack a mean punch--no, a mean elbow. Dan gets hit one time in the nose, blood begins to pour out of his nostrils and flow through to his top lip and into his mouth. Dan now tastes his own blood. The ref intervene, telling Krenshov to back away from Dan, and it's at that point Krenshov notices what he's done, backs up and begins to chuckle. "First blood, Ryan."
JACK ATTACK: Look at him, that blood is just gushing from his nose.
CHAD KURTIS: See that right there, that's something that would never happen to "The Show." I would never allow myself to get pinned into a corner and get beat silly like an animal, never.
BILL HEWSON: I don't see you in the ring with a monster like Krenshov.
CHAD KURTIS: He doesn't want to be in the ring with man like "The Show."
Dan spits his blood into Krenshov's face, and takes a boot to Krenshov's knee, then shoves him shoulder first into the ring post. Dan pulls Krenshov out and begins to beat his head into the turnbuckle pads. ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE. SIX. SEVEN. EIGHT. NINE....WAIT....WAIT FOR IT....TEN! Dan turns him around and sends him into the other corner and rushes right after him delivering a thunderous clothesline. Dan pulls him out of the corner and brings him to the ropes, where he starts to choke Krenshov. The ref walks over, ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. Dan's a smart man; he pulls away from Krenshov breaking the count.
JACK JONES: That ref's a prime, grade A jerk. It's 'cause of him we don't have good matches.
BILL HEWSON: Choking a man till he's unconscious?
JACK JONES: If that's what it takes to put on an absolute great match, then so be it.
Dan Ryan returns to Krenshov --- and gets his top taken off by a running Forearm Smash. Dan has fallen to the ground, the crowd goes wild to see a giant get taken off his feet. Krenshov brings Dan to his feet and Irish Whips him into a corner. Dan gets no time to breathe, he gets crushed by Krenshov in the corner. Krenshov tosses Dan into another corner and crushes him. Krenshov continue this cycle twice more. On his last turn he holds onto Dan and brings him center ring, DDT. Thud. Again, Dan is brought to floor by Krenshov. Krenshov gets to his feet and looks at the crowd! "TIME TO FINISH THIS!" The crowd pops!
JACK JONES: This crowd doesn't know talent when they see it, how could they cheer for KRENSHOV over Dan Ryan?
He sends Dan into the ropes and goes for a Clothesline, Dan is able to evade and crush Krenshov's jaw with a Superkick. Krenshov's head bobbles and Dan Ryan charges KRENSHOV WITH A LARIAT! THEN KENNY FALLS! BOTH MEN ARE DOWN!
The referee has no choice but to make his count.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
BILL HEWSON: Both men have been taking a tremendous toll on one another, I don't know if they'll get up!
FIVE
Behemoths are stirring! Dan Ryan seems to have the advatnage...
SIX
SEVEN
EIGHT
RYAN IS UP
NINE
SO IS KENNY!
Ryan whips Krenshov into the ropes, reversed, Krenshov with a huge big boot knocks Dan Ryan down! Krenshov screams at him, "GET UP! GET UP!" Dan Ryan gets up to get down by a ruthless clothesline. Ryan gets right back up, and gets sent right back to the mat with another clothesline. KRENSHOV IS GETTING PUMPED. He screams again at him, "GET THE (BLEEP) UP! GET UP NOW!" Dan Ryan is up, he's lost his cool! He charges Krenshov, lariat, ducked! Krenshov turns around... and gets tossed across the ring by a Release Belly To Belly Suplex. The ring shakes and roars, almost louder than the excited crowd. Dan Ryan sinks backwards, breathing heavily.
CHAD KURTIS: That damn ring almost broke.
BILL HEWSON: Krenshov was on fire, but Dan Ryan able to turn it around! And these two men are shaking the ring!
Dan brings Krenshov to his feet and begins to toss rights as he ushers him to the ropes, before sending him to the otherside of the ring. Krenshov returns, and gets sent into the mat hard by a mean Powerslam. The ring once again shakes, but this time with more authority. The crowd is going wild, jumping around, they can't believe what they just witnessed. Krenshov can't even believe it, twice he's been lifted, twice. Dan lays on top of him for the cover.
ONE
TWO
KICK OUT!
JACK JONES: Such a close call.
CHAD KURTIS: This match is intense, almost a Show quality match.
Dan brings Krenshov to his feet, Krenshov shoves Dan away from him and then clotheslines him out of the ring.
BILL HEWSON: I think they're brining the action a little closer to us, a little too close.
CHAD KURTIS: C'mon, be a man Bill.
JACK JONES: He's right, Hewson.
Krenshov brings Dan to his feet, and places him on his shoulders, he's heading towards the ring post at full speed. Dan slides out with no time to spare and crushes Krenshov's face into the pole. Krenshov's bleeding now!
BILL HEWSON: Right into the ringpost, head-first! Krenshov has been busted open... this match is taking it's toll!
Krenshov pats his forehead, he looks into his hand and mouths, "Blood?" "BLOOD?!" He rushes over to Dan Ryan and goes a for Big Boot, it connects...
...but not with Dan Ryan.
JACK JONES: HOLY HELL!
BILL HEWSON: "THE SHOW" just got his knock blocked off by Krenshov's big boot! Good lord! The Show is down and out!
Krenshov looks over at Chad Kurtis, surprised, but is brought back into the match as he's kicked in the knee by Dan Ryan. Dan sends Kresnshov into the apron, back first. He then brings him over to the ring steps, he begins to grind Krenshov on the steel, causing more harm to that wound. Dan Ryan rolls a woozy KRENSHOV into the ring. Dan Ryan comes into the ring slow, he feels good, he's in control. Krenshov is trying to get to his feet as Dan Ryan is ready for him... Kenny shoves him away! Ryan with a right! Kenny sags, then returns fire! Neither man is blocking, they are punching each other right in the face! This has become a war of attrition on YEAR OF THE ATTRITIONING.
BUT KRENSHOV MAY WIN THIS! He gets two shots in a row! Dan Ryan gets one, but Krenshov gets one! Two! A third shot staggers Dan Ryan to the ropes! And now KRENSHOV is roaring ---
WHAM.
THE SHOW CHAD KURTIS WITH A STEEL CHAIR TO THE BACK OF KRENSHOV! The referee calls for the bell!
FRANK WARBURTON: Your winner by disqualification, KRENSHOV!
BILL HEWSON: "The Show" just ended this match! But... KRENSHOV just turns around! He barely even felt it!
JACK JONES: He'll feel THIS!
BILL HEWSON: ANOTHER CHAIR SHOT! This one has Krenshov woozy! The blood is gushing out of that wound from earlier NO A THIRD SHOT! THE SHOW FINALLY PUTS KRENSHOV DOWN! I don't believe what we are witnessing!
JACK JONES: Krenshov should have thought twice before he attacked Chad Kurtis, UNPROVOKED five minutes ago!
BILL HEWSON: That was an accident! Chad Kurtis wasn't a target, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but that's no excuse for what he just did!
The Show stands over Krenshov, talking smack to him. He isn't thrilled. He stands up, looks right in the face of Dan Ryan. "I took care of him, you do what you want." Dan Ryan looks down at Krenshov, then up at the show.
BOOT.
Ryan hoists The Show up... UP HIGH!
HUMILITY BOMMMMMMB!
Dan Ryan has laid out "The Show" Chad Kurtis! Chad laid out Krenshov! Dan Ryan stands tall and exits the ring with a disgusted look on his face as "Zero" plays.
JACK JONES: What the heck? KRENSHOV was right there!
BILL HEWSON: Dan Ryan didn't ask for Chad Kurtis to get in and cost him the match by DQ! Dan Ryan and Krenshov wanted to beat each other and instead, nothing is settled. What carnage we have just seen between The Show, Krenshov, Dan Ryan! Nothing was settled, Jack Attack!
JACK JONES: Well, one thing was settled. The ring CAN survive the impact of Dan Ryan vs Krenshov.
BILL HEWSON: This story is far from over, folks...
BILL HEWSON: It's time for our main event, but we have just been informed that Dez Carter has been taken to the local hospital. He is not hurt badly, but the wound Stone Zellor opened up in the back of his required several staples to close.
JACK JONES: Feh, back in my day...
BILL HEWSON: Back in your day, you called in sick if you broke a nail. But the match will now be a triple-threat!
FRANK WARBURTON: It is now time for the NAPW Year of the ATTRITIONING main event, and it is a non-title TRIPLE-THREAT! Introducing first...
METAL! Metallica boots up, the crowd momentarily confused... but they're not confused when the big Matt Kurtis comes through the curtain towing Mandy along by the hand.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by Mandy... standing six-feet eleven inches and weighing three-hundred fifteen pounds... from Wickliffe Kentucky, "BLUEGRASS BADASS" MATTHEW KURTIS!
BILL HEWSON: Fresh off of his suspension, this is a big opportunity for Matthew Kurtis to get right back into the thick of things in NAPW.
Matt hits the ring, and then... THE IMMORTALS. Remember Mortal Kombat? Yeah. Totally. GONG. And then the crowd goes crazy as MYSTIC NINJA comes through the curtain, blue spotlight shining down!
FRANK WARBURTON: Next! Standing five-eight, weighing two-hundred pounds... from a Sushi Restaurant in Chinatown, Vancouver BC... He is MYSTIC NINJA!
JACK JONES: Hold the phone! Sushi is japanese, not chinese!
BILL HEWSON: Well, Mystic Ninja is just bringing all cultures together. The real question here tonight is how well Mystic Ninja fares in singles competition. His partner, The Expositioner, was brutally injured at Black Thursday III at the hands of the current tag team champions.
JACK JONES: The Expositioner with a throat injury. Irony!
BILL HEWSON: NAPW fans have only known Mystic Ninja as a tag team specialist... Ninja, apart from his size, has to be the underdog in this contest.
Ninja flips over the top rope into the ring, then hits the turnbuckle to a pop. Matt Kurtis paces on the other side of the ring, he's itching for action. But first.
"Do not attempt to adjust the picture."
Guitar riff #1.
"We will control the horizontal."
Guitar riff #2.
"We will control the vertical."
"Cult of Personality" kicks in and out walk the MURDER CITY DEVILS, Donovan Astros in the lead, Jake Phoenix bringing up the rear.
FRANK WARBURTON: Being accompanied to the ring by Jake Phoenix, weighing in at two-hundred and twenty-seven pounds and standing six-foot three! From Los Angeles, California, he is the reigning NAPW World Champion... DONOVAN ASTROS!
BILL HEWSON: What a twist earlier tonight for next week's ONE NIGHT ONLY contest of The New & Improved D-X vs the Murder City Devils. If this man Donovan Astros and his partner win the match, The Beast can not get an NAPW title shot as long as Astros is the champ! If D-X wins, however, The Beast gets to choose the stipulation for his rematch.
JACK JONES: "If" D-X wins. Where was Stylin' Kyle Roberts tonight to back up the Beast? Back in Carolina! I don't think One Night Only is going to be difficult for the Devils.
BILL HEWSON: Be that as it may, and this may not be a title match, but Donovan Astros needs to focus on the matter at hand and not look past either Matthew Kurtis or Mystic Ninja to next week. This match is first-fall wins it, and here we go!
Phoenix stays outside as Astros raises the title belt high to a chorus of boos. He loves it. Finally he hands it off to the referee Dick Kiebiech, passed off to the timekeeper. Ninja clearly the smallest man in the ring, giving up half a foot to the world champion and over a foot to Kurtis. DING DING DING.
All three men circling. Donovan Astros, the World's Champion, doing what he does best: flapping his gums.
BILL HEWSON: Let's remember that none of these men are friends. Matthew Kurtis and Mystic Ninja were part of the Bluegrass Mafia/Mystic Exposition wars last summer. Donovan Astros has made it clear that he is not a fan of either Kurtis brother, and he doesn't think Ninja even deserves to be in the ring with a man of his "caliber."
JACK JONES: And he's right! Mystic Ninja, that goofball? That goon? That over-grown fratboy with a ninja mask? He doesn't belong in a main event! He doesn't belong in the same ring as Joey Malone, much less the World Champion!
BILL HEWSON: Why the hate, Jack Attack?
JACK JONES: He hurts my brain!
Mystic Ninja looks for a handshake from his opponents. Kurtis doesn't budge. Donovan Astros takes it...? Nope. Astros does his best Ric Flair imitation, drawing boos from the crowd. He turns around --- and Mystic Ninja armdrags Astros down! Astros pops up, runs at Ninja, armdragged down! Astros up, a third ARMDRAG! Ninja bows to Astros as the crowd cheers. Astros talks trash to Mystic Ninja, but in his blindless he forgot about one thing.
And Matt Kurtis pops him with a BIG right hand, sending Astros reeling into the corner! Kurtis lays in a big knee lift, then sends Astros for the ride. Rebound off the ropes, BACK BODY DROP! Astros almost hit the ceiling! He pops up, Mystic Ninja with a FLYING HEAD SCISSORS! Astros spun to the canvas and he rolls out to the floor, where Jake Phoenix comes snorts. Astros: "What are you laughing at?" In the ring, Mystic Ninja wants to FLY TO THE OUTSIDE --- WHAM. Matthew Kurtis catches the flying Ninja with a hell of a lariat! Ninja goes down in a heap, Matthew Kurtis going for the first fall, one, two, Ninja kicks out. Matthew Kurtis says "IT'S OVER!" He's going for the BLUEGRASS BOMB right away into this thing, flips up Mystic Ninja, COUNTERED! Mystic Ninja with a super-fast sunset flip counter, blink and you'll miss it, one, two, Kurtis gets out! The big man getting up, but Ninja is already off the ropes and clips Matt with a basement dropkick right to the head! Ninja up top --- ASTROS! Donovan shoves Ninja off right to the floor! BOOO. Astros smirks, then gets into the ring and delivers a Triple H style facebuster to Matt Kurtis. Astros with a lazy cover, ONE --- and that's all as Matt Kurtis powers out! Ninja is slowly picking himself up outside, he took a hard bump to the floor.
BILL HEWSON: It's going to take a lot more than that to put the "Bluegrass Badass" away, Astros!
JACK JONES: The champ knows that, Hewson, that's why he's the champ. He's champion of my heart forever if he can cripple Mystic Ninja!
BILL HEWSON: ...
In the ring, Astros begins to do what he does best: pick a target and exploit it. And in the case of the big Matthew Kurtis? That would be the knee-brace over Matt's left knee. Astros stomps the knee several times as Matt grunts in pain. Leg lock applied, nothing that should cause a submission but Astros doing the damage to Matt's knee. They're all the same size on the canvas. Astros lets up on that, then drags Matt over to the ropes, draping the leg over the bottom. Up and DOWN on the knee! "ARGH." Matt felt that one! Astros looks pretty pleased with himself, but Mystic Ninja is on the apron! Ninja getting back into this ---
Dammit! Donovan Astros kicks Ninja in the face as he tries to get through the ropes! Ninja swaying, holding the top rope on the ring apron... Astros slingshots the top rope and Ninja flies backwards, GOD! BACKFIRST INTO THE GUARDRAIL!
JACK JONES: AND IIIIIIIIiiiiIIIII WIIIIIIILLL ALWAYS LOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUU!
BILL HEWSON: Mystic Ninja might be out of this match, as Donovan Astros proving why he is the world champion, using his brains to divide and conquer.
JACK JONES: And now that he's done ending the career of Mystic Ninja, he's going to cripple Matthew Kurtis!
BILL HEWSON: Oh come on... wait a minute! Astros rolls to the outside, what's he doing... FIGURE FOUR AROUND THE RING POST!
Astros falls back and wrenches it on! Matt Kurtis in a world of pain here as Astros cinches back. Dick Kiebiech wants him to break it, but he can't - in this kind of match - DQ Astros for it. But he won't accept the submission, if there was one. Matt Kurtis isn't about to give up but the pain in his knee is almost unbearable! Astros wrenches back viciously, then finally lets go of the hold. He stands up, grabbing Matt Kurtis by the legs, WHIPS the left knee across the ring post!
With the crowd booing, Astros determines to do it again... BUT! THIS TIME! Matt Kurtis suddenly pulls his legs back, bringing Astros HEAD-FIRST into the steel ring post! Astros stumbles googly eyed as in the ring, Matthew Kurtis uses the ropes to pull himself up. The crowd is actually rooting for him, and why not? They hate Donovan Astros more than anybody else ---
Wait a minute! Mystic Ninja is back on the apron! Matthew Kurtis looks at Astros, but the fan reaction clues him in. He turns around, NINJA SPRINGBOARDS OFF THE TOP! Headscissors, no, around and around he goes! MYSTIC CYCLONE TAKES KURTIS DOWN! And now the Ninja goes up to the top rope, he's going for it!
SHURIKEN PRESS!
HITS KNEES!
Matt Kurtis gets up, gritting his teeth against the pain in his leg as Ninja holds his back in just as intense pain! Ninja turns around, and runs RIGHT INTO THE BEARHUG! No! Kurtis crushing the already injured back of Mystic Ninja! Ninja's eyes reveal his pain, as do his yells! The crowd's hopes are being crushed before their eyes. They boo Matt Kurtis now, because dammit, the bully is crushing such a smaller man.
BILL HEWSON: I don't know much more of this Mystic Ninja can take! The crash against the guardrail, hitting Matt Kurtis' knees on the sentonand now the bearhug! How much more punishment can he endure?
JACK JONES: By the looks of things, about three hand raises!
Referee Dick Kiebiech has no choice but to check on Mystic Ninja, who is fading. He raises the arm. Once... it drops. The crowd tries to rally! Stomping, cheering, whistling. Ninja's arm is raised again...
It drops. The crowd deflates. It's over. Kiebiech raises Ninja's arm, it's just a formality, it falllllllllllsNOOOOO!
NINJALIVE!
Mystic Ninja trying to get out, he can't break free the inter-locked fingers of Matthew Kurtis... but he CAN use bell claps to the side of Matt's head! Once! Again! A THIRD... NINJAFREE! Wait a minute! Donovan Astros is getting up on the ring apron! NINJA WITH A KABUKI KICK! Astros knocked down! Matt Kurtis storms in, Ninja ducks a lariat and starts chopping away! Chop! Chop! CHOP CHOP CHOP! Kurtis is on the ropes, Ninja gets some speed and charges, Kurtis back drops Ninja over... no! Ninja grabs the top rope, and then double-stomps Matt on the back! Astros is up, Ninja LEAPS off of Matt Kurtis' back and
NINJATTACK!!
TAKES ASTROS DOWN!
THE CROWD GOES DRAGONFRUIT!
BILL HEWSON: Mystic Ninja has just taken down both men, can he put this away? And --- wait just a damned minute, Jake Phoenix just attacked Ninja from behind! Oh come on, Phoenix rolling Ninja into the ring! Come off of it!
JACK JONES: Jake Phoenix deserves a medal!
Ninja rolled into the ring. Matthew Kurtis is on his feet. He doesn't like Jake Phoenix, but he'll take Mystic Ninja gift-wrapped to him. Matthew Kurtis with a SPINEBUSTER! Ninja is down and out, Kurtis covers, ONE, TWO...
ASTROS! In the nick of time breaks up the pinfall! And now Astros stomping on Kurtis' head, getting a shot into Mystic Ninja as well! He has Matthew Kurtis doubled-over, ASTROLABE! Not much of a lift to that one, but still Matt Kurtis' head spiked into the canvas. Astros however isn't going for the cover! He kicks Ninja out of the ring, then locks on...
THE FIGURE FOUR IN THE CENTER OF THE RING!
Matthew Kurtis is in a lot of pain! How much can he take!
He's reaching for the ropes, but Astros has the ring positioning perfect, Matt is a good foot or two away... and ASTROS is right up against the other ropes.
So close, in fact, that as the referee goes in close to check on Matt, Astros can reach out and grab Phoenix's hands! The leverage is all Astros --- NINJA! Mystic Ninja FLIES OVER THE TOP ROPE AND SPLASHES JAKE PHOENIX! TAKES HIM OUT! In the ring, Astros still has the hold, but Matthew Kurtis sits up and gets a hand around Astros throat! POW! POW! A couple big right hands knock Donovan Astros silly! Matthew Kurtis sticks Astros' head between his thighs, picks the World Champion up... HAS HIM! UP! UP HIGHER!
BLUEGRASS BOOOOOOOMB!
Matthew Kurtis covers, ONE, TWO, NINJA WITH THE SAVE! SPRINGBOARD CORKSCREW SENTON STYLE! Donovan Astros is slumped in a corner as Mystic Ninja takes it to Matthew Kurtis with a series of chops. Big dropkick finally knocks Matthew down. Wait a minute!
Matthew Kurtis is down in one corner!
Donovan Astros is down in another corner!
Mystic Ninja is STANDING!
He leaps up to the top rope, balancing incredibly... and has to decide. Mystic Ninja WALKS THE ROPE, then flies into a dropkick catching Matthew Kurtis right in the face! Astros is still down on the other side, but Ninja leaps up to the top turnbuckle. Wait a minute! What's he doing? MYSTIC NINJA, he's going to try to leap across the entire ring ---
WHAM.
Jake Phoenix knocks his feet out from underneath him! Mystic Ninja crashes hard to the floor, knocking his face on the edge of the ring on the way. Oh damn. In the ring, Donovan Astros is picking up the pieces. He's trying for ASTROCIDE on Matthew Kurtis - the big man stands up however, and then starts punching Astros. To the ropes, Astros is dazed and prone. The Bluegrass Badass revs up for a running BGM kick, ASTROS LOW BRIDGE. Matthew Kurtis crotches himself on the top rope, and then Astros dropkicks Matt to the outside the hard way.
Matt lands awkwardly, three hundred plus pounds hitting the concrete... but before he can try to regain his wits, Jake Phoenix hauls him up and tries to stick him back in the ring. Kurtis takes exception! Matt shoves Jake Phoenix away. IT'S ON! Jake tries to punch Matt, Matt gives him one right back! Phoenix stumbles back up the aisle, Matt Kurtis limps after him! These two big bruisers are going at it!
BILL HEWSON: I think we need security, Matthew Kurtis and Jake Phoenix are brawling all the way to the back! Watch out in the locker room! But we still have a match on, Jack Jones!
JACK JONES: We do? Because the way I see it, Donovan Astros has a beaten Mystic Ninja at his MERCY. And Donovan Astros has NO MERCY.
Astros, smirking, has indeed bundled Ninja back into the ring. That shot to the ring may have rung Ninja's bell, his eyes are glassy. Astros picks the man up, ignoring the boos of the crowd, and straightjackets Ninja's arms. Aztecan Suplex delivered, dumping Ninja on his damned head! That was sick! Astros makes the cover, counting to the sky as Kiebiech hits ONE, TWO, THREEEENOOOO! NINJA KICKS OUT! HE KICKS OUT! HE KICKS OUT! Donovan Astros holds up three fingers to Kiebiech, but is told NO. TWO! Astros snarls and turns around, savagely kicking a crawling Mystic Ninja in the side of the head. Astros signals that it's over, hooking Ninja's arms from behind. He turns him around...
ASTROCIDE.
WAIT! Ninja somehow stands up, flipping Astros backwards! Astros flips all the way through and lands on his feet, however! He nails Ninja in the gut, hooking the arms for his Butterfly Suplex --- DOUBLE LEG TAKEDOWN! NINJA FLIPS OVER ASTROS, JACKNIFE PIN, ONE
TWO
THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner... MYSTIC NINJA!
The.
Crowd.
EXPLODES.
BILL HEWSON: Yes! Yes! I don't believe it! Mystic Ninja defied the odds --- MYSTIC NINJA HAS PINNED THE NAPW WORLD CHAMPION!
JACK JONES: THERE IS NO GOD.
BILL HEWSON: THERE IS A GOD! BECAUSE MIRACLES DO HAPPEN! MYSTIC NINJA WINS! MYSTIC NINJA WINS!
Donovan Astros is sitting on the canvas, slack-jawed, in utter shock. Mystic Ninja slides out of the ring and dives into the front row, embracing the fans in a tremendous display of emotion and AWESOME. Ninja leans back into the crowd of people slapping his hand, cheering, clapping!
Donovan Astros is the world champion, and 2008 is supposed to be the Year of the Devils... but on the first show of 2008, MYSTIC NINJA IS ON TOP OF THE WORLD!
This one's for you, Expositioner! And that is YEAR OF THE ATTRITIONING!