INTERCONFERENCE SINGLES MATCH
Bruce Richards vs Kumquat Kid
JACK JONES: And that's why you don't feed bananas to trained racing dogs.
BILL HEWSON: Those poor greyhounds.
JACK JONES: Hey, don't blame me. That monkey's credentials looked legitimate.
And as "Look At Me, I'm A Winner" pours forth like liquid gold from the speakers, Ryan Lewis, the Kumquat Kid enters first. In his arm is his wife Jenny, clad in a pink vinyl ballerina dress? Ooooooookay. Jenny is carrying the bag o'kumquats, which she and the Kid toss to the crowd. Where's Dunk? Anyways. Jenny kisses her husband and then takes a spot on the outside.
"Life's Been Good to Me" by Joe Walsh picks up, momentarily confusing the fans --- until Bruce Richards, clean-shaven in his cowboy hat and duster, saunters out. The fans cheer though a few yell "WHERE'S THE BEAST?" as Bruce takes his time to the ring, laid back like the tune. When suddenly --- The Chicken Dance song cuts in? The camera cuts to the sound table, where Dunk is doing the Chicken Dance. Bruce has been kumquat'd! He stands up, getting the fans into it as well. Bruce quirks an eyebrow, making some fans wonder if THE BEAST is going to be uncaged but he gets in the ring to no dilemma. Each man removes ses accroutments to get down to their wrestling gear.
BILL HEWSON: These two men were originally scheduled to be tag team partners tonight in a highly anticipated match against former Tag Champions Blood Harvest, but I think that this match will hold up nicely.
JACK JONES: Yeah, right. There's nothing to hold my interest in this match. No blood, no T'n'A, no creative and unorthodox strategy...
BILL HEWSON: And by that, of course, you mean cheating.
The bell rings from Anthony Uruburu and the match is underway. Bruce offers a handshake... and receives a SLAP across the face from Kumquat Kid! What on earth? Why would Kumquat Kid attempt to rile up Bruce Richards? Bruce throws a clothesline, Kid ducks, another, Kid with a spinning heel kick right to the face of Rcihards. Kid seems almost daring to Bruce as one front row fan yells out "BEAST IS GONNA KILLLLL YOU." Bruce ignores the comment, shrugging it off. What a bizarre match we have here --- two fan favorites, but the fans are confused a little by one... and the other is going out of his way to aggravate his opponent. Lock-up attempt but Kid swoops under and delivers some martial arts kicks to the thighs and gut of Richards. He leaps to the ropes and springboards off with a legdrop to the back of a doubled-over Bruce Richards --- Nope! Bruce counters by catching Kid and planting him into the mat. Pick-up and Bruce sends Kid into the ropes, Kid explodes off and catches Richards with a flying headscissor takedown that sends Bruce tumbling out over the bottom rope. With his opponent outside, Kumquat Kid does some high-steps and gets the crowd on their feet --- senton plancha over the top rope!
Kumquat Kid grabs Bruce and tries to whip him into the guardrail, the heavier Richards plants his weight and reverses, sending Kid into the STEEL ring post. But Kid grabs the ring post and swings around the other side, ending up on the ring apron. He quickly scales to the top rope and prepares to fly, Bruce standing tall on the floor. Somersault dive, but this time Richards calmly sidesteps the high-risk maneuver. Kid splats uncomfortably on the outside as Bruce dusts his shoulder off. Referee Anthony Uruburu has had the count on the entire time, he's up to seven. Richards realizes and bundles Kumquat Kid into the ring, stopping the count at eight. Kid gets to his feet, only to get hooked by Bruce for a gutwrench suplex. Richards with a cover, one, two, Kumquat Kid kicks out. Richards picks his man up, locks on the COBRA CLUTCH. The fans want the bomb, but... Bruce actually seems to be working the submission hold part (drawing a couple boos, but most awws of disappointment). Fan reaction or not, the Kid appears to be fading. Bruce's powerful arms wrapped around his head, putting him to sleep. The arm goes up once, it falls down. The arm goes up twice, it falls down. Uruburu raises the arm, if it drops a third time the match is over... DUNK TOSSES A KUMQUAT INTO THE RING! The Kid's open hand catches it, and the arm STAYS UP! By the power of kumquat!
BILL HEWSON: Unbelievable! You will believe a man can Quat!
Kid finding energy, fights, fights, climbs up the ropes and pushes backwards into a pinfall on Richards. One! Two! Bruce breaks the hold and kicks out. Both men get up, as the Kumquat Kid holds the fruity delight high. He asks Dunk to toss him another one, which he then tosses it at Bruce in a gesture of goodwill. Bruce stares at the kumquat... AND THEN SQUEEZES IT TO PULP IN HIS BARE HAND. Kid jumps up and down screaming "NO ONE DISRESPECTS THE KUMQUAT!" He rages at Bruce with wild rights and lefts, a somewhat amused Bruce trying to cover up. Kid yells at Dunk, who tosses him an International Object --- a plastic wiffle bat? Kumquat wails away on Richards with the wiffle bat. Uruburu is too confused to draw a disqualification, it's not like Bruce is being 'hurt' here... but finally he takes the bat from the Kid, turning to toss it outside. Suddenly Kid's hand with the still-virgin kumquat starts shaking. Kid yells "NO" shaking his head, as the kumquat 'nods' up and down... KUMQUAT TO BRUCE'S KUMQUATS. The crowd boos, but Kumquat yells out with a look of pure innocence on his face "IT WASN'T ME! IT WAS THE KUMQUAT!" Uruburu turns around, seeing Bruce on the canvas with both hands on his junk. He shoots Lewis a questioning look; Ryan blinks at the kumquat in his hand, then tosses it backwards (caught by Dunk) and whistling.
JACK JONES: Finally! Some action! This Kumquat Kid might not be such a bad egg after all.
Back to action, The Kid with a thrust kick to the gut sends Bruce to the corner. He scoops Richards up... TREE OF WOE? Ryan gets some distance, then yells "VIVA LA KUMQUAT!" Running dropkick to the LOWER GUT! Bruce collapses, untangling from the 'tree', and the Kid goes up top. He's signalling for the FIVE ALIVE FROGSPLASH! He flies ---
Knees up! The Kid hits hard and rolls out of the ring, holding his stomach and coughing. Dunk goes to check on him... Bruce starts getting to his feet. He looks out to see Dunk helping Kid up to his feet... Bruce looks over the crowd. They get to their feet as Bruce smirks "Why not?" Charges up... NO HANDS FAT GUY OUTTA CONTROL PLANCHA! BEAST CLOBBERS DUNK AND KUMQUAT KID! Outside the ring again! The crowd stats chanting "BEAST, BEAST, BEAST" as Bruce 'shhhs' them and says "BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE." A quieter "BRUCE" chant goes out as Uruburu starts counting both men out again. The ten minute time limit is announced --- five minutes left in the contest. Richards picks Kid up, to stick him back in the ring, but the Kid squirms and gets out, still a bit dazed. Bruce charges at him --- drop toe-hold! Bruce hits the floor, and then Kumquat Kid ... stands on his back and does the Sugar Hill Gang's "APACHE" dance? The count is at seven, Dunk yelling to get Kid's attention. He grabs the back of Bruce's belt and bundles him into the ring, stopping the count. Up to the top goes Kid! 450 SPLASH! ONE! TWO! Bruce kicks out! Kid waits for him to get up, looking for the PEZ DISPENSER... He tries to flapjack Bruce, but Richards instead plants his weight and hammers Kid down. The opportunity for Bruce to once again hit the Cobra Clutch is there... and this time the fans get the BOMB! Lewis is planted in the center of the ring! And Bruce Richards points to the top rope! He climbs up, the Kid prone. "WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT BRUCE NOT DOING A MOONSAULT?"
BILL HEWSON: Get ready...get ready...
JACK JONES: This is the part of the job I hate.
And like he has hundreds of times before, Bruce Richards hits a DIVING MOONSAULT! Richards hooks the leg! ONE! TWO! TH---kick-out! Richards starts getting to his feet, Lewis comes in with a kick --- only to get hoisted up! On the shoulders for a CHART ATTACK! Desperate Kumquat Kid reaches out to grab the top rope with both hands. Bruce tries to just force him off, but both men tumble to the outside. It doesn't take long for them to get up and start throwing blows, Bruce rocking right hands, Kid throwing kicks. Irish whip into the guardrail! Kid leaps up top to the guardrail and leaps off with a spinning heel kick, Bruce ducks. Kid charges Bruce with a huracanrana and both men crash over the guard rail into the front row! Uruburu's count is up to six as both men are down. Bruce dumps over the guardrail, he's reaching up to get back into the ring... Kid leaps off the guardrail, onto Bruce's back, stomping Richards down, and dives over the bottom rope --- Bruce reaches up... TEN!
WINNER BY COUNT-OUT: KUMQUAT KID
Richards makes a fist, but breathes deep and forces it to unfold. He gets back into the ring and, like a man, offers Kumquat Kid his hand. This time the Kid accepts it wholeheartedly, saying "I wasn't sure if you took me seriously." Richards raises Kid's hand in victory and exits the ring, disappointed. Great match between two fan favorites. However, the big win --- and the two points --- go to Kumquat Kid, leaving Bruce back of the pack in the 2010 Canada Cup.
CALIBER CONFERENCE
Lloyd Rees vs Kenny Krenshov
JACK JONES: And that's when I realized that I was the only one there wearing a sarong.
BILL HEWSON: What the hell did you think "casual Friday" meant?
JACK JONES: That's what I wear when I want to be casual! The boys need to breathe, Hewson!
Kenny Krenshov enters first, surprisingly sans Chris Casino, with the 'True Honor' Championship. He is putting the belt on the line in hopes of having it recognized as an NAPW championship. Kenny waits in the ring for his opponent Lloyd Rees --- CHRIS CASINO FROM BEHIND! In the aisle! Casino blasts Rees from behind! What's this --- OH NO! BANKRUPT INTO THE CONCRETE! Kenny retreats out of the ring, and hops the guardrail. He yells at a fan and takes his seat? Steals some popcorn too. Fans give him hell, but Kenny replies with a smirk and says 'There's no HONOR in a two on one! No no, I will wrestle him one-on-one when the match officially starts!'
JACK JONES: What a class act. That's what I've always said about Kenny Krenshov, Bill: that man is all class.
BILL HEWSON: He's all something, all right...
Rees looks to be seriously dazed, lights are on but nobody's home as Chris Casino rolls him into the ring. The two old enemies squaring off once again, but not the way anybody expected! Referee Morgan Smythe tells Casino to take off, but Casino just laughs. Rees continues to fight to his feet but he is in bad shape after being drive face-first into the concrete. Casino grabs Rees from behind... you're kidding. Casino with his own version of the DDT FROM THE GREEN! And now he's slapping on the CONCEPTION BAY CHINLOCK. Of all the insulting...
WAIT A MINUTE! Here comes... RODDERICK MACCULLOCH? Roddy Mac hits the ring and rips Casino off of Rees! Roddy tosses Casino over the top rope and gives chase, Casino stumbling up the aisle! However, now Krenshov steps over the top rope. The referee is checking on Rees when Kenny pulls her up and says "Well, let's start the match! Pure Honor rules, three rope breaks, all of that." Smythe asks if Kenny is daft, but Rees is getting up again. Smythe checks with Rees if he wants to start, come on ref, don't ASK him. He may be concussed, and wrestlers have more guts than brains at times. But Rees nods his head... the bell sounds to start the match.
JACK JONES: Finally, now that that scalawag MacCulloch is out of the ring, we can start the match. Prepare yourself for some high-quality wrestling, Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: Ugh. Somebody pass me the Pepto-Bismol; I think I'm gonna be sick.
WHAM. Kenny with a big boot knocks Rees right down. He covers lazily. ONE. TWO. Rees gets the shoulder up! Kenny looks almost pissed off that Rees kicked out of that. Rees somehow pulls himself to a standing position, swaying. He takes a wild punch-drunk swing, Kenny ducks and then clamps on a front facelock. Oh no. Rees struggles, but in this condition he's no match for Kenny's power... TOTAL ECLIPSE. No miracles this time, one, two, three.
CASINO: Your winner, and STILL, NAPW's Unofficial True Honor Champion.... Keeeeennny KRENSHOV!
The boos pour from the crowd like rain from the sky. And it's down-pouring. Chris hands the microphone off to Kenny, who basks in the hate like a holy man would from a gospel him before speaking. Smythe calls for another referee to help her assist Rees to the back.
KRENSHOV: The key words in that phrase were 'still' and 'unofficial'. You see, I've defended the True Honor Championship four times, once in a disqualification against Rees (Kenny looks at Chris and smiles)... but a win is a win. So here I am, busting my hump, putting a title on the line that NAPW doesn't even recognize. I've defended my title more times in succession than the NAPW World Championship has been since Krusty Kid Paul dropped the belt to the disappearing act that is "Sick" Billy Kryenik, who lost to me only minutes later for my World title reign. You see I have defeated the Kumquat Kid, a proverbial nobody, sure. And I've defeated Rees, the most decorated man in NAPW, not once but twice. In fact, this washed up beardless sack of lime will, as long as I have a say, never get a shot at my title again. Not to mention the fact that I defeated the man who put Honor on the map in NAPW, my manager, Chris Casino.
The fans don't like that. They still remember the screw-job finger poke finish between Kenny and Chris.
KRENSHOV: Shut your mouths! In case you didn't know, I'll let you in on a little secret, your opinions mean jack shit to me. You people don't matter, on the other hand, I matter. I'm the one who wins matches, I'm the one who defends my championship, I'm the one who can beat EVERYONE'S ass in NAPW.
Just when you don't think the fans can be any less discrete about their dislike for Kenny Krenshov, they up and surprise you with even louder, "BOOS". Eventually a, "YOU SUCK!" chant breaks through. Kenny waits for the crowd to fizzle a tiny bit before he continues.
KRENSHOV: Now I've covered the one key word, 'still'. For all of you slow redneck Canucks out there, the other word is 'unofficial'. The fact that my title still hasn't been recognized is a (BLEEP) tragedy. You see, it's Terry Brandon... this little sack of pudge and Dorritos won't return my emails or calls, he dodges me back in the locker room, and he backpedals at every chance he gets whenever the True Honor title is brought up in conversation. So what am I supposed to do? The old Kenny would put Terry Brandon in a coma, hell, the old Kenny did... but I'm still on probation. I have to be a good boy for whoever knows how long, and until then I have to keep lobbying for the little bit of recognition I deserve. The only thing I'm asking is for this title to be recognized.
Kenny hoists the title into the air, looking at the huge centered gold plate.
KRENSHOV: Hell, let's make 'recognition' the third word. I want to be recognized, but I've worked my ass off to get NAPW recognition. And thanks to the efforts of a few others, but mostly myself, NAPW has garnered up enough recognition to get a TV deal. I'm sure it's lucrative for the higher ups, if I'm lucky my pockets will get a little fatter... but what I want Terry Brandon and all the monkeys making money off my success is that I put asses in the seats, my feats have helped put NAPW on the map. Perhaps it's time to pay up, and in case you're slow or are late to the conversation, you can pay me back by making my True Honor Championship an official title of NAPW. I'll see all of you on TV next week, bitches.
The near seven-footer drops the microphone on the ground and steps over the top rope to exit. Chris Casino is right behind him telling the fans to go eff themselves that are reaching into the walkway while Kenny continues a stoic march to the back.
INTERCONFERENCE TAG MATCH
NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
O'Connor Boys © vs The Freak Show
JACK JONES: And I spent eight hours in a dentist's chair, high out of my mind on laughing gas.
BILL HEWSON: Wow, Jack, that must have been a hell of a fight.
JACK JONES: Fight? What fight? I had twelve cavities.
BILL HEWSON: What?
JACK JONES: I ate sixteen boxes of Snickers in two weeks. I won a contest!
"Seamless" hits up as from the back, carrying very bloodied Boondock Saints dolls, comes The Freak and Shut Down. As they hand out the gifts, Freak leans down to dig something from under the ring. "Good Fight" hits up, but the Freak and Shut Down are rushing back towards the curtain as Sean and Seamus step from the back. Freak sprays Seamus with a can of red spray paint as Shut Down colors Sean yellow with another can of paint. The fans in the arena are appalled at their actions, but wonder why no one has done it before.
BILL HEWSON: I'm actually impressed. That's some smart thinking.
JACK JONES: I know, and I suggested it to them!
BILL HEWSON: I take that back.
Freak tosses Seamus into the ring as Shut Down plows through Sean with massive forearms on the outside of the squared circle. Freak mounts Seamus with a Lou Thesz press, pounding away at him with hard left and right palm strikes, showing his MMA background. Freak steps up to his feet, whipping Seamus into the ropes, backbody sends him down to the canvas. Freak hits the ropes, springboard shin drop right to Seamus' throat. Shut Down has Sean up high in a gorilla press, he lets go and Sean's throat goes right across the railing as The Freak Show are totally dominating the NAPW Tag Team Champions here. Referee Morgan Smyth orders Shut Down to his corner, amazing he obeys but not before delivering a few big boot stomps on the beaten Sean. Shut Down steps up onto the apron, reaching over for the tag from The Freak.
Freak tags in Shut Down, who easily steps over the top rope, boot stomp to Seamus before lifting him high up over his head in a gorilla press slam, throat across the top rope. The crowd is beginning to grow very worried for Seamus and Sean at the hands of the Monster of the Midway. Seamus is gagging at the feet of Shut Down, but is struggling up to his feet, or trying to at least. Shut Down with a boot to Seamus' temple rolls him out of the ring, Shut Down begins talking to Morgan Smythe as The Freak climbs to the top turnbuckle, Shut Down blocking Morgan's view. Sean is up to his feet, a huge red line across his throat from the impact of it and the railing, but he sees The Freak. Sean rushes around to his brother, but Freak dives with a split legged moonsault before he can get there.
Sean pulls The Freak up, right hand from Sean, right from Freak, who is laughing. Sean with another and he is standing toe to toe with The Freak, who backs up from the tenacity of Sean. Shut Down reaches over the top rope, pulling Sean into the air by his hair, chokeslam onto the canvas from the biggest man in either Rebel Pro or NAPW. Shut Down rolls Sean under the bottom rope and onto the ring's apron as Freak rolls Seamus into the ring. Shut Down with a big leg drop as he hooks the leg to make the cover, but Sean dives from the top rope with a leg drop that stops the count before it starts. Freak rushes in, but Morgan Smythe already has Sean out of the ring, him and Shut Down beat the hell out of Seamus in the corner. Seamus is red from the punishment and from the paint as well. Shut Down cradles Seamus in his arms as The Freak dives from the top turnbuckle with a leg drop across his throat, rolling out of the ring before referee Smythe can turn around.
BILL HEWSON: And some more dirty tactics from The Freak Show.
JACK JONES: You call dirty tactics, I say smart decision-making.
BILL HEWSON: Oh, let's just call the whole thing off.
Shut Down reaches over to make the tag, Freak hops over into the ring after it is made. OCB are being dominated here in this match, no doubt about it and the fans are worried for their health. Shut Down and Freak are laughing at their dominance of the NAPW Tag Team Champions. Freak whips Seamus into the ropes, reversal and The Freak is surprised. Seamus springs to the middle rope, Shut Down swings but misses Seamus, Seamus nails Freak with a springboard Mui Tai kick to the temple. The Freak goes down, Seamus tags in his brother Sean. Seamus runs up the turnbuckle, nailing Shut Down with a kick as he steps over the top rope. The big man is tangled up in the ropes, ala Andre the Giant. Sean hits the Bush Mills Drill on The Freak as Seamus dives with the Irish Insignia from the top rope. Morgan Smythe gets Seamus out of the ring easily enough as Sean makes the cover and she makes the count! ONE! TWO! THREE!
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: THE O'CONNOR BOYS
The crowd can't believe it, Seamus and Sean can't believe it, Shut Down can't believe it. The Freak gets over onto his side, pounding the mat in frustration as Shut Down manages to untangle himself from the ropes. Seamus and Sean lean over, getting their NAPW Tag Team Championship belts from Frank Warburton. Another three points go to Sean & Seamus, givin them a big lead in the tournament --- Shut Down spins Seamus around lifting him high into the air with a double choke before tossing him across the ring. Freak spins Sean around, right fist to the face as the crowd begins to boo loudly. Shut Down comes in with two steel chairs, placing one in Freak's hands. Sean fights back, but is no match for the steel chair that Shut Down connects with. Sean goes down on his knees, but the double chair shot sends him on his side.
The crowd is chanting for someone to come help Seamus and Sean, but no one is coming to their aid. Freak slides in a table from under the ring, Shut Down smiles. The Freak Show place the table on the seats of the two chairs, the crowd begins to boo even heavier than before. Shut Down lifts Seamus, Shake Machine onto the canvas as he picks him up and places him onto the table. Shut Down lifts Sean up, Shake Machine onto the canvas as well, he places Sean on top of Seamus on the table. The Freak laughs as he climbs to the top turnbuckle, giving a salute to Shut Down. The crowd is chanting four or five different names, but it doesn't matter because no one is coming to their aid. The Freak dives with Sigh Unseen, driving them both through the table. The wreck in the middle of the ring is bloody, carnage, and is... pathetic as neither Seamus nor Sean are moving. The Freak and Shut Down lift the NAPW Tag Team belts high into the air before placing them on the faces of The O'Connor Boys. The Freak Show leave the ring to massive amounts of booing and hatred, leaving a wave of destruction in their wake.
KRYENIK CONFERENCE
TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS
Rodderick MacCulloch vs Steve Parker
BILL HEWSON: And that was probably the only time I ever saw my father cry.
JACK JONES: ...
BILL HEWSON: What?
JACK JONES: You call that an anectode? You disgust me, Hewson.
"Dirty Hands, Empty Pockets" hits the speakers, and Steve Parker comes to the ring, cradling his two 2009 Award plaques in exquisite cloth, wearing one of the biggest 'smiles' ever.
JACK JONES: Look how much the crowd loves Steve Parker, Hewson! He's got two best of '09 plaques there!
BILL HEWSON: One of those was for favourite heel.
JACK JONES: Yes. FAVOURITE heel!
The crowd goes crazy when Roddy Mac makes his entrance, wearing a kilt over his gear. Referee John Sharplin in charge of this one.
The bell sounds and Steve Parker proceeds to englighten Roddy and the fans on the benefits of the American health care system, which would be better for Roddy after this match is over. Suddenly a cheap shot! Parker whips Roddy off the ropes and bends over for a back body drop... Roddy counters with a sunset flip! ONE! TWO! THREE! Roddy Mac surprises Parker with a quick first fall and goes up 1-0.
JACK JONES: That's impossible! No-one's that fast.
BILL HEWSON: Looks like he's proving you wrong, Jack.
Sharplin calls for a thirty second time-out, as a flabbergasted Parker tries to get his bearings. Roddy cups his hear to the chants of "RODDY MAC, RODDY MAC." The bell sounds to signal round two and Parker comes out swinging 'n' snarlin'. Roddy blocks his punch and fires back. Blocked, right hand from Roddy! Parker swings again, spun around and takes an Atomic Drop! He turns around --- inverted atomic drop! Roddy off the ropes and nearly takes Parker's head off with a clothesline that gets a two count. Roddy Mac in firm control, already up one fall to two, scoops Parker up. Parker shakes his head no as Roddy holds him on his shoulder, then slams him down to the canvas hard. Elbow drop. Another cover, no dice. Roddy is clearly super-pissed after how Parker cheaply beat him last week!
Parker tries to get away, only to get another shot to the face. He ends up in the corner and Rodderick climbs up punching away. The crowd counts along one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight --- Parker walks out and tries his own inverted atomic drop. Roddy plants his feet, no damage done, EYE POKE TO PARKER gets a huge pop. Shades of Rowdy Roddy right there. Parker comes in and eats a headbutt that knocks him through the ropes. Roddy reaches over to grab a handful of hair, Parker snaps the top rope right into Roddy's eyes. Roddy stumbles, blinded, as Parker goes to the top rope. FLYING CROSS BODY --- CAUGHT! POWERSLAM! Rattles the ring! ONE! TWO! Kick-out by Parker!
JACK JONES: He's like a Timex, takes a licking and keeps on ticking. You know, that reminds me of my ex-wi--
BILL HEWSON: Finish that sentence and I will stuff Parker's awards down your throat.
The beating continues, but Parker able to reverse an irish whip and send Roddy into the ropes. Rebound and Parker catches Roddy with a belly-to-belly suplex out of nowhere. Parker runs at a rising Roddy... only to have his momentum turned around into a thunderous sidewalk slam! Roddy hits a corner, telling Parker to GET UP! The fans know what's next! CALGARY CRASH --- PARKER COUNTERS INTO THE FREEDOM FRYER! OUT OF NOWHERE! He has Roddy in the center of the ring! Roddy Mac reaches out for the bottom rope... but then just as suddenly taps out on the canvas. Parker wins the second fall. Why did Roddy Mac tap out so quickly? He's a fighter, usually... but with another fall to go, submitting quickly prevents any serious damage from being done.
JACK JONES: Did you see that! The POWER of the Freedom Fryer!
BILL HEWSON: Looks like MacCulloch was trying to conserve some energy, there.
JACK JONES: "Conserve energy," just like a filthy Canadian socialist.
BILL HEWSON: Jack, YOU'RE Canadian.
JACK JONES: Only by birth, Hewson.
Referee mandates a thirty-second break period as Parker is all smiles again, gloating about his brilliant counter. Roddy rotates his shoulder in his corner, just a slight smirk on his face. Five seconds left SUPER-SIZED KICK! Before the rest period was over - DEMO DUCKS! OFF THE ROPES! THE CALGARY CRASH TO AN OFF-BALANCE STEVE PARKER! ONE! TWO! THREE!
WINNER: RODDERICK MACCULLOCH
Roddy Mac wins and picks up two huge points! The crowd cheers as he celebrates. Steve Parker rolls out of the ring and drags himself up the aisle to jeers of nearby fans...
CALIBER CONFERENCE
CANADIAN HERITAGE CHAMPIONSHIP
Taboo © vs Donovan Astros
BILL HEWSON: I still can't get over the excitement about our new television deal with TFN, Terry Brandon really out did himself this time.
JACK JONES: Reminds me of my glory days. Did I tell you about the last time I was in a televised match?
BILL HEWSON: I didn't realize television was invented when you were still wrestling.
JACK JONES: Very funny, but seriously let's just say the match ended with me mooning the crowd.
BILL HEWSON: Classy, really classy but then again what have I come to expect from you.
'Cochise' by Audioslave hits the sound system as the challenge makes his way to the ring sporting the new 'NAPW on TFN' t-shirt. The fans are letting Astros know what they think about him, a definite mixed reaction as his struts his way down to the ring acting like he thinks he is the reason that NAPW got the deal with TFN. Astros climbs in the ring and plays to the crowd for a brief moment. He points to his shirt before his time is cut short by the sounds of Drowning Pool's 'Love and War'... the crowd comes alive.
The crowd is showing their love for the defending champion as he makes his way to the ring also wearing a 'NAPW on TFN' t-shirt. Taboo seems to be all business as he makes his way to ring. As Taboo climbs into the ring he tosses his shirt to the crowd. Astros not to be out done then throws his shirt to the crowd. The crowd tosses it back. Astros toss it back to the crowd. It is tossed back again to Astros again. Astros and the crowd goes back and forth, irritating Astros. Astros toss to the crowd once again just to have it thrown back but this time Taboo catches the shirt. Puts it on (it's a bit too small), takes it off, then throws it to the cheering crowd to catch. Astros scowls.
BILL HEWSON: I don't believe the crowd wanted anything to do with Astros' shirt and they let him know it.
JACK JONES: Stupid fans! That shirt would probably go for twice what it is worth on eBay just because it was worn by 'The greatest wrestler on God's green earth'. I wish he would have thrown it over here.
BILL HEWSON: I bet you do.
Referee Danny Chaos calls for the bell as the two men meet in the middle of the ring; you can feel the tension between these two men as they tie up. Taboo uses his strength to gain a early advantage, backing Astros into the crowd before deliver a suplex. The champion seems on top of his game early but Astros fights back, keeping it clean so far as this one goes back and forth. Astros seems to have a gameplan as he is focused in on the back and knees of the champion, but Taboo is able to hold his own and a little more during the onslaught of moves by Astros. He counters with a big headbutt, then another, then another before delivering a 'Taboo-press'. Astros doesn't give the champ much time to take advantage of the move as he takes out Taboo's legs with a sweep before getting back on his feet and locking in a modified sharpshooter. Taboo is too close to the ropes and Chaos calls for a break as Astros holds on to it to the end.
BILL HEWSON: What a match up so for, a classic in the making! Astros brought a gameplan, but appears a bit out of his element thus far.
JACK JONES: How can Astros be out of his element? He is 'The greatest wrestler on God's green earth!'
BILL HEWSON: Yes, yes we know that. All I am saying is that he is going a bit outside of his game and some of his moves so far aren't as crisp as we are use to seeing from him.
JACK JONES: Astros is just going outside of what we are used to seeing to prove...
BILL HEWSON: That he is 'The greatest wrestler on God's green earth.' We know.
JACK JONES: I was going to say to prove that Taboo's body is ready to break down any minute, but I'll take your answer.
The back and forth action continues in the ring. The physical nature of the match is seeming to take its toll on both men but at least for the moment the champion is on a roll, delivering a series of various suplexes to the delight of the crowd. The champion tries to take advantage of the momentum delivering a big 'Boulder Bomb' before going for the cover. Chaos slides into position for the count, ONE, TWO ---
Kick out by Astros who rolls out of the ring to regain perspective, but climbs back in before Chaos can even begin the count. The challenger is starting to look a little frustrated and the champ is starting to look a bit tired as the two men lock back up; this time the advantage going to Astros as he continues to keep the match clean, backing Taboo into the corner with a series of chops before taking him to the mat with a DDT! Astros then takes time to let the crowd know that he hasn't used any cheap shots in the match thus far before going for the cover but Taboo powers out with authority before Chaos can even get to two. There is still plenty of life in the old dog yet as he get back to his feet with a series of big right hands as he is warned by Chaos about closed fists. Astros returns the right hands but brawling with the boulder is not a place that Astros wants to be; as he soon finds out when Taboo catches him with a 'Bearhug Exploder' followed by another 'Boulder Bomb' and quick cover! ONE, TWO, TH---
You can really see the frustration on the face of both men now. Taboo thought he had Astros there but was unable to put him away and Astros seems to be getting more then he bargained for. Taboo and Astros get back to business once again, going back and forth. The physical nature of the match has really seemed to take its toll on the body of Taboo as he is forced to rely on brawling tactics and clotheslines; but for the time being anyway that seems to be enough as Astros is trying to stand toe-to-toe with the champ.
BILL HEWSON: I don't understand what Astros is doing here trying to out brawl Taboo. After all it's a battle that he can't win.
JACK JONES: I don't know so much about that he seems to be standing toe-to-toe with him right now. Besides I don't recall Astros asking for your opinion.
Taboo takes Astros to the mat with a 'clothesline from Boulder' and attempts a dead weight German suplex but his back fails him as he can't lift Astros up. The challenger senses this might be the opening he has been waiting for. An sinister smile comes across his face as he delivers an European uppercut followed by a 'back cracker' that forces Taboo to the mat in pain. The challenger maintains his advantage as he continues to work on the back and the knees of the champion. Taboo manages to get to the corner attempting to climb back to his feet, but Astros won't have any of that as he delivers a kick to the head of the champion before applying a ring post figure four! Chaos threatens Astros with disqualification if he doesn't break the illegal hold, one, two, three, four. Astros breaks, but grabs Taboo's legs to try it again --- WHAM. Taboo pulls Astros in hard, and the challenger clonks on the ringpost.
Chaos begins his ten count while Astros tries to regain his bearings. In the ring Taboo is sweating profusely, face a waxy mask of pain. Astros breaks the count at seven. Astros sizes Taboo up and catches him with a forearm to the weakened back of the champion. Taboo's body seems to be failing him here in the match up. Astros evil little grin returns as he wages war on the back of the champion. Taboo shows that he isn't done yet as he catches Astros with a clothesline that knocks the grin off the face of the challenger and reveals his frustration. Taboo charges in with another clothesline but Astros isn't going to have anymore of it as he counters with a leg sweep before catching Taboo off guard in the middle of the ring with the 'Martyr's Cross'. Chaos comes to see if Taboo wants to tap but the champ shakes his head no.
BILL HEWSON: Right in the center of the ring! Taboo so much guts, but this could be career-threatening!
Inside the ring Taboo contines to fight, trying to reach the ropes... but it seems that maybe he has reached the point where he chooses to live to fight another day as he finally taps and Chaos calls for the bell.
WINNER AND NEW CANADIAN HERITAGE CHAMPION: DONOVAN ASTROS
Astros holds his belt up high in the air as he makes his way back to the locker room telling the fans that he told them that he would win. He told them that he was the greatest and now there is no doubt. The crowd response is mixed, Astros still has his fans, but many others are booing. The response turns to almost entirely cheers as Taboo makes his way back to his feet and begins to limp back to the locker room. The crowd appreciates him... but that doesn't change the fact that Taboo is no longer Heritage Champion.
KRYENIK CONFERENCE
NAPW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
"The Show" Chad Kurtis © vs Jeffrey Roberts
Disturbed brings out The Plague, I'm sorry, Kyle Roberts, I'm sorry, JEFFREY ROBERTS to a chorus of boos. He takes his time walking down the aisle, an insipidly sinister smile on his lips. He hasn't made a single fan so far in his tenure, but neither does he care. The crowd has reason to come unglued, however, when Kid Rock hits up. It ain't braggin', cause he backs it up! "THE SHOW" CHAD KURTIS makes his entrance to a thunderous ovation. He hits the ring and tosses his hoodie into the crowds, revealing the gleaming golden NAPW World Championship.
BILL HEWSON: One of the most popular wrestlers in NAPW history, Chad Kurtis would love to being the "NAPW on TFN" era as the reigning World Champion! But he'll have to overcome a stiff challenge in the unpredictable, sociopathic Jeffrey Roberts.
JACK JONES: Why do you have to label anybody who views the world differently from you? WHY ALL THE LABELS, HEWSON? THEY'RE PEOPLE TOO!
BILL HEWSON: I'm not sure Jeffrey Roberts qualifies as a 'person.'
JACK JONES: HATE CRIMES.
The match is ready to, except one problem. There's no referee. As a wave of confusion sweeps over the crowd, Flogging Molly kicks up --- and here comes RODDERICK MACCULLOCH. And he's wearing a referee shirt! Frank Warburton announces him as the Special Guest Referee, much to the displeasure of Jeffrey Roberts.
JACK JONES: How is THIS fair? Wahoo Winchell must have a screw loose, sending this clown out here! He hates Jeffrey Roberts!
BILL HEWSON: He has good reason. I don't know how this came about, but all bets are off now in this world title match.
JACK JONES: HE'S RUINING THE SPREAD!
BILL HEWSON: How does that WORK in pro wrestling gambling, exactly?
JACK JONES: Gambling? I'm talking about spreading your mother's ---
BILL HEWSON: WILL YOU BE SERIOUS?
JACK JONES: --- homemade raspberry jam on this delicious bagel I have in front of me. Roddy Mac's entrance ruined my appetite!
Roddy gives a big wink at Jeffrey Roberts, then tells them both to 'keep it clean.' The bell rings and we're off, Roberts however is fixated on Roddy Mac. He's NOT happy to see big Mac out here --- Kurtis with a schoolboy! ONE! TWO! Kick-out, backslide! ONE! TWO! An inside cradle! ONE! TWO! Roberts out again, the World Champion Kurtis almost putting it away early. Roberts takes a power to the outside, frustrated. Roddy Mac puts the count on him, taking great pleasure in announcing each number. Also, he appears to be counting "one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand." Roberts rolls in to break the count, right back out. The crowd is all over him, telling to get in and fight like a man. Roberts suddenly hauls nose-to-nose with a fan, don't do it Roberts...
Roberts grins and gives the fan a thumbs up? Sure. He turns around --- Kurtis slings himself over the top rope splatting him to the ground! Chad gets up and yells out to the crowd, then hooks up Roberts for a snap suplex right on the cold concrete. Roddy Mac telling Kurtis to bring it in the ring, putting the same count on that he did for Roberts solo. Kurtis rolls in to break the count, then back out where he picks up Roberts and bundles the man into the ring. Kurtis follows in with an Eddy Guerrero-esque slingshot quebrada. Roberts sits up, only to take a basement dropkick to the mush. STANDING SHOOTING STAR! One, two, Roberts kicks out. Kurtis picks the man up; rake to the eyes from Roberts. Roddy Mac warns him, Roberts responds by apologizing profusely? Stiff kick to the gut and Roddy delivers a vertical suplex to the champion. Float over into a cover, one, two, Kurtis out with plenty of time.
The momentum appears to have shifted now as Roberts puts a choke on Kurtis. Roddy Mac right there to count one, two, three, four... Roberts breaks. Referee Roddy Mac tells him to stay off the throat, and Roddy snarls. Handful of hair, Kurtis starts firing back. Off the ropes WHAM. Roberts grabs the hair and snaps Kurtis right down to the canvas. Stiff kick to the back. Kurtis getting up, Roberts hooks both arms and delivers a beautiful butterfly suplex. Leg drop gets two. Roberts beales Kurtis out of the ring... and, smiling, encourages Roddy Mac to make the count. A suspicious Roddy puts the ten-count on Kurtis. The World Champion is getting up using the ring apron... baseball slide from Roberts knocks him back against the guardrail! Roddy warns Roberts, but Jeffrey snorts and rolls out to do more damage as the count restarts.
BILL HEWSON: I can't tell if Jeffrey Roberts is happy or upset with Roddy Mac's officiating... but you can't fault it, Roddy's called it straight down the middle.
JACK JONES: The middle of NOWHERE.
BILL HEWSON: I beg your pardon?
JACK JONES: ...it sounded clever in my head.
Roberts whips Kurtis hard into the guardrail, then gives "The Show" a receipt from earlier --- suplexing him on the outside. Oh! Roberts doesn't go back, instead drapes Chad across the guardrail on his gut. That's gotta hurt. Roberts tips Chad back and forth like a lever before dumping him back on the floor. The count is up to six, Roberts rolls Chad back in the ring. He knows he can't win the World Title on a count-out. SLINGSHOT LEGDROP by Jeffrey Roberts connects! ONE! TWO! TH---kickout! Roberts yells at Roddy Mac to count faster, and Roddy tells him to shut up. Momentary tension, but Roberts remembers the job at hand. He pulls the kid up and whips him into the ropes. RUNNING CLOTHESLINE FROM BEHIND! Right in the corner. Roberts backs out and lets Chad fall down. He gets on his hands and knees, admiring his handiwork. He... lovingly... brushes the hair out of Chad's eyes? Oooooookay. Roberts pats Chad on the cheek, then STOMPS him hard right in the face.
And with that Jeffrey Roberts picks his man up and scoop slams him perpendicular to the corner. He climbs up top. 450 SPLASH --- KNEES UP. Roberts rolls off in agony as Chad KIPS UP! Roberts up, Kurtis with a leg lariat! Up again, Kurtis with a dropkick! Up one more time FRANKENSTEINER! Sends Roberts skidding across the ring. He somehow stumbles to his feet and takes a wild swing, only to be caught and planted with a Reverse STO! Chad quickly out to the ring apron. He twirls a finger in the air, telling the crowd it's PRIME TIME. PRIME TIME SPLASH connects! Champion retains one, two, three, no. Roberts gets the shoulder up in the nick of time.
JACK JONES: AND he's fighting the biased officiating!
BILL HEWSON: Get real, Jones, Roddy Mac has called this match straight down the middle.
Chad flashes three fingers at Roddy Mac, who shakes his head and holds up only two. The Champion doesn't let it get to him, however, pointing to the corner. Jump, jump, JUMP --- BEST! MOONSAULT! EVER! NO! Roberts shoves Roddy Mac with his foot into the ropes right as Chad hits the top turnbuckle and CHAD KURTIS TUMBLES RIGHT TO THE OUTSIDE! Oh my gosh. Roddy Mac yells at Roberts, but Roberts looks dazed and doesn't know what's going on. Roddy doesn't buy it, but turns his attention to Chad Kurtis, who is in a bad way after that spill. The count is on, and Roberts isn't doing anything to stop it. Why would he want a count-out win?
... maybe that's why. With Roddy focused on Chad, Roberts rolls out the other side finds himself a steel chair. No, he finds himself two. He tosses one in, almost bouncing it off Roddy's head. Kurtis rolls in even as Roddy sees the chair. He grabs it and tosses it outside, Roberts slides in and tees off with the other one! No dice, Roddy Mac grabs the chair away! And then, Roberts starts the trash talk --- HOCK. ROBERTS SPITS RIGHT IN RODDERICK'S FACE. And that's all he can stand! RODDY SWINGS THE CHAIR! ROBERTS DUCKS! CHAD KURTIS EATS IT RIGHT IN THE FACE! The entire arena screams in horror! Roddy's face goes white as he realizes what he's done, but Roberts is the cat who swallowed the canary. He swoops down and covers Kurtis, screaming COUNT to Roddy. ONE. TWO. THREE.
NO NO NO!
CHAD KURTIS SOMEHOW KICKS OUT!
Jeffrey Roberts snaps, SCREAMING at Roddy Mac that it was a slow count, that there's a 'conspiracy,' even as Roddy screams back. The veins in their foreheads look set to explode, ROBERTS SLAPS RODDY! Roddy already got involved, but he holds back his right hand. Roberts smirks, now screaming that Roddy is a coward, a woman, a SCHOOL-BOY BY CHAD KURTIS! MAC WITH A FIERY ONE, TWO, THREE!
WINNER AND STILL WORLD CHAMPION: "THE SHOW" CHAD KURTIS
Chad Kurtis is bloody as Roddy Mac grabs the world title belt and hands it to him, raising an arm --- ROBERTS FROM BEHIND! Jeffrey Roberts is incensed! Kurtis rolls to the ring apron, that chair shot opened him up wide. Roberts beating on Rodderick MacCulloch, but Roddy Mac starts coming back on Roberts! A big right hand knocks him down! Another one! Roberts tries to poke the eyes, Roddy just swats the hand away and hits a BIG powerbomb! Now Roddy Mac hits the corner, yelling for Roberts to GET UP. CALGARY CRASH ---
SUPER-SIZED KICK!
Steve Parker lays out Roddy Mac! Roberts collapses to the side as Parker gives a sick smile to the fans, then holds up one of his 2009 Award plaques! Roddy is pulling himself up, Parker ready to tee off on him! Roddy turns around ---
SUPERKICK FROM THE SHOW! Parker stumbles backwards, Chad Kurtis dropkicks him over the top rope! Roddy Mac clotheslines Jeffrey Roberts to the floor! Roberts and Parker end up in the aisleway as in the ring, Roddy Mac tries to check on Chad. The champion shoves Roddy Mac away! Chad points to the still-in-the-ring steel chair, angrily as the blood pours down his face. Roddy Mac tries to apologize, but the competitive Chad is not happy that Roddy almost cost him the world title. On the outside, Parker and Roberts take in the scene. Jeffrey Roberts gives a sick little grin, cocking his head at a weird angle; Steve Parker can only do one thing. And that is 'SMILE.'
CREDITS:
Kent wrote the Heritage Title match
Bean wrote the tag title match
Devin put commentary in all matches but the Heritage
Rought wrote the Kenny promo
Ro wrote four matches and edited