The Ogden Legion Hall rains down heavy boos as Corrosion of Conformity's "Dirty Hands, Empty Pockets (Already Gone) brings out the TWO-TIME AWARD-WINNING Star Spangled Sensation, Steve Parker. He seems to have his usual non-competing effects on him: his blue business suit with red tie, his plaques, but The Smile is nowhere to be seen. In fact, Parker's face is a mask of despair. As the fans hang over the rail to hurl insults at him, Parker just simply shakes his head, looking somber. He deliberately walks up the ring steps and climbs inside the ring, where Steve Parker has managed to get his hands on a microphone. He carefully stacks his awards under one arm as the music dies, causing the heckling to get louder. Parker paces around the ring, his head hung low, sucking in his bottom lip in thought. Finally, he stops in the center of the ring and raises the mic to his face.
STEVE PARKER: I don't mean to state the obvious when I say that I've been having a difficult week. For those who might be new to NAPW on TFN, on our last broadcast, the world witnessed the greatest act of injustice this company has ever seen. I had the World Champion Chad Kurtis beaten. No, not just beaten... at the brink of epic failure. Right as I had the injured Kurtis right where I wanted him, it was all taken away from me. And to make matters worse, and perhaps more confusing, it was at the hands of a group of men who, although a few freedom fries short of a Happy Meal, I thought were men of common sense. When I came to, needless to say I was pretty cheesed off. What happened last week was a pure, unadulterated screwjob.
Parker pauses, and the boos begin to cresendo again. He simply shakes his head and maintains a cool, neutral face.
STEVE PARKER: See, you boo, but this time, there's no debate. This isn't a result of some fast count only a chosen few saw, or whether or not a referee was in the right position to see who's shoulders were up. This time, cameras were able to catch when the Freak Show inserted themselves into our match and cost me the title. There is no other way to slice it. I... WAS... SCREWED!
More boos cascade down, but Steve Parker is undeterred.
STEVE PARKER: So yeah, I had every right to be angry. Once I came to, I couldn't help but stew over it, and I spent the next few days restlessly meditating on it, thinking, cursing. I even dialed my old mentor and friend, Master Chuck Norris, who suggested that I needed to step back and look at the big picture instead of all of the little details. Once I start with the basic questions, it should all be revealed. So as soon as I got off the phone with Master Norris, I realized that it wasn't at Zouave or the Freak Show, because, as strange as they are, they are, in a sense, businessmen. They have to be, in their line of work outside of this ring. Surely, they were acting on someone else's authority. With this in mind, I started to question the source of my anger. Was it Mr. Bobby Winchell? After all, he DID sign off on that Sideshow Battle Royale, but he knows what an asset I am here, as it's American Ambassador. And then, the more I thought, a troublesome idea popped up, and I experienced a new feeling: sadness. Not for me... well, wait, sort of, thanks to, you know, BEING SCREWED, but my sorrow was... for you... the fans.
A confused murmur ripples through the crowd.
STEVE PARKER: You see, I realized there was exactly one man who benefited from the involvement of the Freak Show, a man who you all look to as a symbol of what the NAPW is all about, a man who makes you run to the merch booths to buy his junk, a man who, more importantly, has not only screwed me out of what is rightfully mine... but has screwed you all, as well, and that...
Dramatic pause...
STEVE PARKER: ...Is "The Show" Chad Kurtis.
NOW the audience is furious, and all of their wrath is directed verbally towards the center of the ring. Parker readjusts his grip on his awards, allowing him to bring his free hand up to try and settle the mob.
STEVE PARKER: Now, I know what you're thinking: how is this so? If you really take the time to think about it, the solution is quite simple. Who better for a new face here in this company to attach themselves to than the World Champ? Who better to give these men an audience with this company's owner, and convince him to approve anything they want, than the man this promotion is built around. And in return? Probably the most vicious form of protection one could offer. Let's face it, it's not like you folks are very fond of Zouave and his followers, why would they "randomly" defend a man voted "Most Popular" by the people who hate them? Because Chad Kurtis has given them his support. With that in mind, it's easy to see why "The Show" would try to keep this under wraps. It would cost him those precious dollars he gets from whenever you buy what he's shilling, for he knows the fans would never have his back while he runs with those gentlemen. But the only way he can keep making top dollar is if he keeps that belt around his waist, and seeing how I proved to him that he can't do it on his own, he now has to protect his investment.
Another pause. Now, The Smile starts to tug on the corners of Parker's mouth.
STEVE PARKER: So you see, Chad Kurtis is not the wholesome hero you all thought he was. He has sold you all out so he can cash in on your devotion and respect. Fear not, though, for I have a plan! This one's a two-parter, which I will not only doing for myself, but for the great fans of New Alberta Pro Wrestling. First, I'm going to come into this ring next week and take Sean O'Connor out of this tournament and march my way through and claim this year's Canada Cup. As this year's winner, Chad Kurtis will have no choice but to acknowledge me as the TRUE contender for his title. And once I get him face-to-face, I will make him confess to the world why he has let his fans down.
Most of the fans are still booing, but a few claps can be heard... most likely out of sarcasm.
STEVE PARKER: Secondly, I know that the Freak Show are not necessarily the malicious killing machines you all make them out to be. Their assault on me was simply motivated by business. Hey, they may be freaks, but money talks. However, I'm sure they've got some answers for me about this whole situation, and I will fight every man on this roster to get them. Strange as it may seem, that opportunity has shown itself, and next week, Zouave, if you're listening, consider this my declaration of participation in the Sideshow Battle Royale. After I send Sean O'Connor packing, I'll climb in that ring and come out on top. I appreciate the offer of a wondrous prize, but the only great reward I seek is information, and you better reward...
The boos start to rise again, and Parker does what he does best... SMILE.
STEVE PARKER: ...Handsomely.
C.O.C. kicks up over the PA again as Parker hands the mic back to Frank Warburton and exits, not before waving to the audience like a politician at a rally as he walks up the aisle, oblivious to their hostility.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
JACK JONES: And that was the last time I ever saw them.BILL HEWSON: Well, what do you expect when you feed your leech collection salt? And furthermore, who has a LEECH COLLECTION?
JACK JONES: Little boys who love science, that's who.
BILL HEWSON: Science doesn't love you back, Jack. Welcome wrestling fans to NAPW on The Fight Network. We are coming to from the Ogden Legion in Calgary Alberta with the best hour of wrestling on TV today! We just heard from Steve Parker, and...
JACK JONES: Oh, let me guess, just how will you spin it this time? How will you twist his words of truth and honesty into debacle?
BILL HEWSON: Actually, Jack, I was going to say that though I'm not a "Steve Parker fan," I completely agree that he was screwed by The Freak Show last week in his World Title match against "The Show" Chad Kurtis. I don't agree with his wild theory that Kurtis is somehow in cahoots with Zouave's Circus, but Parker has a case. However, right now let's get to WRESTLING, we're starting off a newcomer triple-threat!
FRANK WARBURTON: The following is a triple-threat match, scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Hollywood, California, weighing in at two hundred and forty-five pounds..."BEAUTIFUL" BOBBY CRANE!
The lights dim and a single white spotlight hits the entrance way. "Unbelievable" by EMF hits and the crowd boos wildly as "Beautiful" Bobby Crane steps through the curtain. Clad in a deep red robe with silver sparkles glimmering and "Beautiful" handwritten across the back, Bobby Crane is accompanied by a stage hand who walks in front of him holding a large mirror. Crane struts down the aisle, fixing his hair and marveling at himself in the mirror. In the ring, the stagehand holds the mirror up and Crane poses from a few different angles. Then, satisfied, he dismisses the stagehand and pulls a microphone out of his robe.
BOBBY CRANE: OK, so you people obviously don't know who I am. If you did, you'd be standing and cheering like it was 1997 and you were all teenage girls at a Backstreet Boys concert. No matter.
The crowd boos wildly.
BOBBY CRANE: Tonight, I'm giving you people an opportunity. This is a chance for all the...um...[he looks around] "ladies" in the crowd...to take a look at what a man is capable of looking like. I know you've all settled for your overweight, beer belly cowboy hick boyfriends and husbands...if they'll even have you, that is...but take a look at what you're missing out on!
The crowd boos as "Beautiful" Bobby Crane slowly pulls off his robe, beaming proudly at his own body. He carefully folds up his robe and hands it to an official on the outside.
BOBBY CRANE: Tonight, my crusade to pretty this place up begins! And it starts with the two abominations in the back! Ladies and gentlemen... don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm better than you.
Frank Warburton just looks at Crane as if to say, "Are you through yet?", then continues.
FRANK WARBURTON: ...ahem. And from Edmonton, Alberta, weighing in at two hundred and sixty-five pounds..."THE MILLENIUM GAME" JUSTIN CASE!
And as Tupac Shakur floods the air, Justin Case struts down to the ring, clad in his lime green tights and purple wrestling boots. He gets boos, of course, but he doesn't care. He just heads down to the ring, ready to show his stuff.
BILL HEWSON: A graduate of the Stu Hart dungeon, Jack Attack!
JACK JONES: And from what I've heard, a hell of a wrestler. But can he possibly be better than Bobby Crane?
BILL HEWSON: We'll see, but let's not forget about the last man in this contest.
FRANK WARBURTON: And finally, from Toronto, Alberta, weighing in at two hundred and twenty pounds...JOE "THE CRIPPLER" BOYER!
"YOU IN THE JUNGLE, BABY!" And down comes Joe Boyer, simply dressed in black pants and an NAPW t-shirt. The crowd gives him a decent-sized pop, and he is appreciative as he makes his way down. The three men meet in the center of the ring, and referee Danny Chaos calls for the bell! We are ON LIKE DONKEY KONG, JR!
Boyer rushes Crane with a short-arm clothesline, who screams a little bit and takes a step back, and Boyer rushes past him. Crane sighs with relief--BULLDOG! Boyer takes Crane down to the canvas face-first, and then gets up and smiles at Justin Case. Case cracks his neck and plants his feet in the ground, daring Boyer to rush him. The NAPW fans start shouting "DO IT! DO IT!"
And The Crippler is NOT the kind of guy who will disappoint the fans. He rushes Case, lets fly with the cross body, but it caught by Case. Case lifts him straight over his head in a HUGE display of power, but Boyer gets free, and reverses into a DDT! Boyer, the underdog, takes down the GIANT Justin Case, and now he sets his sights back to Bobby Crane, who is getting back to his feet, but when he notices Boyer, he quickly rolls out of the ring and starts walking around, holding his side like he's got a stitch. "I'll be right back, I just have to walk this off! You can't risk damaging a body like this!"
Boyer has had enough of Crane's antics, and slides out of the ring to go after him, but Crane keeps holding up his hands begging off--until he nails him with a sucker punch to the gut, and Boyer's down to one knee! Crane rushes back into the ring, helping Justin Case to his feet. He gestures to Boyer, saying "With my help, you can take this guy!" Case looks at Crane with a sneer. "You're right. I can take him."
AND HE PUTS THE SOLE OF HIS SIZE FOURTEEN BOOT IN CRANE'S FACE! Crane flies backwards, tangling himself up in the ropes, and Case shouts, "BUT I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP, NANCY!"
JACK JONES: Nooooo! NOT IN THE FACE!
BILL HEWSON: Calm down, Jack, he's a professional.
JACK JONES: There goes the nose-modeling career!
Boyer's back in the ring, but Case is ready for him. The two men lock up, but Case definitely has the advantage in the size department. Case with the advantage, locking Boyer up tight, no chance of a reversal--FISHERMAN'S SUPLEX! Boyer crashes to the ground, but Case is right back on him, and he locks on the sharpshooter! Case really wrenching back on Boyer, trying to end this early, and Boyer reaches out for the ropes, reaching, reaching, and he catches--BOBBY CRANE?!?! Yes, Boyer reaches Bobby Crane's outstretched leg, and now he's CLIMBING UP CRANE TO MAKE THE ROPE BREAK! Crane looks a little disgusted, hell, so does Boyer, but he climbs up those perfect legs and grabs onto the ropes. Chaos calls for a rope break, and Case lets him go at four. He turns around, hoping to get his hands on Boyer before he gains back any momentum, but Boyer is flying again--BULLDOG NUMBER TWO! Case is down and Boyer heads over to Crane, helping him out of the ropes. Crane dusts himself off, then turns and offers a test of strength to Boyer. Boyer dutifully locks up with the right hand--EYE GOUGE FROM CRANE! Boyer clutches his face, doubling over, and Crane capitalizes with a brainbuster! Boyer down, here's Crane with the cover, one, two--
BOOOM! Justin Case with a boot to the back of the head, breaking up the pin, and now he's locking up with Crane. Here comes a fisherman's suplex from Case...no, reversal, fisherman's suplex from Crane...NO, REVERSAL AGAIN, FISHERMAN'S SUPLEX FROM CASE! Justin Case with his second fisherman's suplex of the night, and now he goes for the cover, one, two--Boyer breaks it up! Boyer breaks up the pin, and fires off a few more boots at Case, who rolls out of the ring.
Boyer turns his attention back to Bobby Crane, who is desperately trying to fix a loose strand of hair. "Hey, let's WRESTLE!" This gets Crane's attention, and he meets Boyer in the middle of the ring. They lock up, Boyer moves to the back, trying for a belly to back suplex, but Crane breaks, reverses, then HURLS Boyer to the ropes--NO! Boyer plants his feet and reverses the whip, and it's Crane rebounding off the ropes! He goes to hit Boyer with a clothesline BOYER WITH A ROLLING BOSTON CRAB! Boyer with lightning speed, and he's got it locked in the center of the ring! Crane is SQUEALING in agony, which is music to the crowd's - and Boyer's - ears. He's holding his hand up, trying not to tap--
BOOOOOOOM!
Justin Case BLASTS Boyer from behind with a GIANT boot, breaking up the submission, and Crane scrambles away. Case lifts Boyer to his feet--JUST 2 TALENTED! Butterfly suplex plus piledriver equals Boyer's eyes rolling around in his head! Case walks towards Boyer--CHEAP SHOT FROM CRANE! Bobby Crane nails Justin Case in the unmentionables from behind, then knocks him through the ropes! Bobby Crane with the cover on Boyer, and a fistful of trunks! Danny Chaos doesn't see it!
One!
Two!
THREEE!!
FRANK WARBURTON: And here is your winner..."BEAUTIFUL" BOBBY CRANE!
BILL HEWSON: Justin Case and Joe Boyer each had that match! Either man could have won!
JACK JONES: But only one man could win! The bestest, prettiest man!
BILL HEWSON: ...you really like Bobby Crane, don't you.
JACK JONES: Uncomfortably so.
BILL HEWSON: Bobby Crane the winner in this triple-debut contest. Right now, let's go backstage to Josh Reynolds, standing by with an NAPW legend...
JOSH REYNOLDS: Thanks Bill. Here with me right now is a man that needs no introduction. A man that has gone by many names here in the NAPW from "Lemondrop Kid" to "The Messiah". He's the most decorated man in NAPW history, Ladies and Gentlemen; Lloyd Rees...
LLOYD REES: Thanks Josh...
JOSH REYNOLDS: Lloyd, 2010 hasn't really started off on the right foot for a man of your stature; multiple loses at the hands of KRENSHOV and Chris Casino leading to you failing to qualify for the 2010 Canada Cup. With that said you did get an impressive victory over Bruce Richards two weeks ago...
Rees pulls the microphone from Josh.
LLOYD REES: T'little t'late Josh. Sure I got da win over Bruce two weeks ago but, it didn't really help my case in get'n a shot at da 2010 Canada Cup. Dame! Dis is da fifth year in a row d'hat d'hat cup has managed t'slip out of me grasp. Ya know something Josh?
Rees holds the microphone up to Josh like he is the one doing the interview.
JOSH REYNOLDS: What's that Lloyd?
LLOYD REES: I think it's what's been keep'n me go'n all d'ese years Josh. Hell, I've been TV Champ, Heritage Champ, Tag Champ, World Champ, I've won Tagstravaganza twice, been da Sole Survivor, been voted number one in da world by ENN, I'm in da god dame Ring of Prestige but...
JOSH REYNOLDS: But...
LLOYD REES: I've never won da dame Canada Cup...
Rees hangs his head in shame. Josh grabs Lloyd's hand and lifts the mic to his mouth.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Well, you know it is going to be a whole year before the opportunity comes around again right?
LLOYD REES: I know...
JOSH REYNOLDS: So, what does Lloyd Rees plan to do between now and then?
Rees springs his head back up and a smile comes across his face.
LLOYD REES: SIDESHOW BATTLE ROYAL!!
JOSH REYNOLDS: ...
LLOYD REES: I'm go'n t'win Zouave's Battle Royal!
JOSH REYNOLDS: You do realize that this is an open invitation Battle Royal right? Anyone could come take part.
LLOYD REES: I don't care if Zouave, Da Freak, Shutdown, da bearded lady, da strong man, da acrobats, da ring master, da lion tamer and his dame lion show up with f**k'n carnies galore, Lloyd Rees is go'n out next week t'prove his in-ring dominance and t'put all da so called freaks out d'ere through a wrasslin' clinic!
Rees slaps the microphone back in Josh's chest and walks off camera.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
The camera opens on NAPW crack reporter, Josh Reynolds, in a cramped room presumably backstage. There is a lot of weird noise resonating from outside the door, and Reynolds looks both angry and nervous at the same time.JOSH REYNOLDS: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here backstage in a storage closet because frankly, it's the only place of of peace I could find. For those of you who have been tuning in these last few weeks have, you're probably familiar with this very mysterious man that's been interjecting himself into NAPW, his name is apparently Zouave. Just last week he produced a piece of paper signed by the owner of NAPW, Bobby Winchell, stating that he was basically allowed free-roam at NAPW events, and that he's able to book a 'SideShow Battle Royale' at our March 9th event. Phew, that was a mouthfull. Well, now this guy has set up camp backstage, and has basically taken over the entire backstage area with his entourage, which now includes NAPW Tag Team Champions The Freak Show. Everyone wants to know who he is, what connections he has with the owner of NAPW, and just exactly what his intentions are. Follow me, and hopefully we'll get some answers.
Josh hesitantly opens the door, and slowly steps out into what appears to be a circus. The lights are low everywhere except for a single spotlight beaming down on a thrown where Zouave sits. By his side is the bearded lady, and the other side are the Tag Team Champions, The Freak Show. The room is littered with clowns, a man on stilts, jugglers, showgirls, and various other freaks. Reynolds slowly pushes his way through the crowd, and past the non-existent catering table, and finally to Zouave.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Excuse me!
Zouave and his surrounding crew turns to the interviewer.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Zouave, I'd like to ask you some questions.
ZOUAVE: Then ask.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Well, first I'd like to ask what this is all about. I mean, this is the backstage area, you have it all jammed up with these... people. It has to be free for the production staff and the wrestlers, nobody can really get through.
ZOUAVE: I didn't hear a question, did you?
Shut Down shakes his head 'no'. Reynolds sighs before continuing.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Just what makes you think you're allowed to do this?
ZOUAVE: Oh, now there's a question. And the answer is simple, you see I have a piece of paper signed by the owner of NAPW, Bobby Winchell, stating that I can basically do whatever I want. Now, if you have any more questions I suggest you take the bass out of your voice or I'll have my motley crew take it out for you.
Reynolds swallows hard.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Well.. h-how do you know Bobby Winchell?
ZOUAVE: We go way-way back. (smiles)
JOSH REYNOLDS: But how is it that you have so much access to him and Terry Brandon, the commissioner of NAPW, has no idea what's going on?
ZOUAVE: Heh, let me ask you a question... have you ever SEEN Bobby Winchell?
JOSH REYNOLDS: Well... no.
ZOUAVE: Do you know if Terry Brandon has ever seen Bobby Winchell?
JOSH REYNOLDS: He's the commissioner, he must have.
ZOUAVE: That's not what I asked, I asked if you know if Terry has ever seen Bobby Winchell?
JOSH REYNOLDS: I don't know for sure.
ZOUAVE: And do you know of ANYONE who has EVER seen 'Wahoo' Bobby Winchell?
Josh pauses, thinking for a second.
JOSH REYNOLDS: No, I don't know of anyone that has seen him, but what does that matter?
ZOUAVE: Think about it. No one in NAPW knows what Mister Winchell looks like... hell, he could be ANYONE in this room. Isn't that quite... upsetting? I mean think about it, you could be looking at him.right.now.
The NAPW interviewer just stands there, confused.
ZOUAVE: Truth is, Mister Winchell is one hell of a guy. He's letting me put on my SideShow Battle Royale next week, with a hy-uge MYSTERY prize! Dontcha want to know what it is stick boy?
Josh seems suddenly out of his element, and very apprehensive to answer. Eventually he gets it out.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Yes?
ZOUAVE: Well it's a MYSTERY. A damn good mystery, and sorry Nancy Drew, no clues for you. Any more questions stick boy?
Reynolds looks down. He's angry, insulted, and flustered. He looks back up and shakes his head 'no', and walks away. Zouave cracks a smile, and then bursts into maniacal laughter.
ZOUAVE: HahaHaHaHAhaHAHAHAH.
Fade, transition to ringside.
"AND I AM FINALLY FREE"
The crowd erupts into boos as Kenny Krenshov and Chris Casino step through the curtain.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following semi-final match in the 2010 Canada Cup is set for one fall at a twenty minute time limit! Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by his business manager NAPW Ring of Prestige member CHRIS CASINO, he weighs in at three-hundred and twenty-one pounds and hails from Middletown New Jersey. He is the self-proclaimed "True Honor" Champion, KENNY KRENSHOV!
Krenshov shoots Frank a glare at the 'self-proclaimed' bit. The music changes to Creed, and STUNNINGLY the crowd cheers!
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent! Weighing one-hundred and fifty pounds, fighting out of Boston Massachusetts, he is SEAMUS O'CONNOR!
BILL HEWSON: It has been a long, hard road for each remaining competitor to make it here, to the playoff tournament. And perhaps one of the surprise stories of this 2010 Canada Cup has been the performance of the O'Connor Boys, Seamus & Sean, both of whom are still going.
JACK JONES: Yeah, but they can't depend on each other in the playoffs! They've wrestled barely a handful of singles matches in wrestling, ever, and now Seamus here... has to square off against a man twice his size!
BILL HEWSON: Both O'Connors pint-size, but never underestimate their heart. I have to agree though, Jack, that Seamus O'Connor is going to have to worry about just SURVIVING in there with Kenny Krenshov --- much less advancing in the tournament!
Referee Anthony Uruburu in charge at the bell. DING DING DING. Kenny Krenshov looks at Casino and the pair exchange a guffaw as Seamus looks fierce, but child-like next to the colossal one. Kenny gets down on his knees and offers a lock-up to Seamus --- HEADBUTT!
Seamus O'Connor not appreciating the mockery and cracks his skull hard into Kenny's. Kenny staggered, dropkick from Seamus! That doesn't take the big man down, Seamus with a thigh kick. Another! Another! WHACK WHACK. Kenny limping away, not down, as the crowd cheers Seamus on. He hits the ropes and delivers a low dropkick to the thigh that almost knocks Krenshov over... Seamus off the ropes again but Krenshov swings with a lariat, misses, CROSSBODY BY SEAMUS ---
Caught.
Krenshov smirks and sends Seamus across the ring with a huge Fallaway Slam! Seamus bounces to a corner and tries to pull his rattled self up. Krenshov stalks in and opens his man up, WHAM. WHAM. WHAM. Repeated overhead forearms to the chest of Seamus!
BILL HEWSON: And the sickening sound of Krenshov's forearm across Seamus' chest!
JACK JONES: ONE of Kenny's forearms is as big as Seamus' torso!
Seamus gasps for breath, his chest red CHOP. A HUGE chop by Krenshov almost sends Seamus over the top rope! Irish whip SEAMUS SNAPS TO THE CANVAS. So much force! Kenny drops a big elbow, one, two, kick-out. Krenshov picks him up. CHOP on the ropes. Irish whip, big boot, Seamus ducks and hits the ropes SPRINGBOARD --- BIG ASS PALM STRIKE obliterates the flying Bostonite. Seamus crumples on the edge of the mat. Krenshov brushes his shoulder cockily.
BILL HEWSON: Seamus in a world of trouble here against Kenny Krenshov --- we have to take a break! Don't go away!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
JACK JONES: And it turned out the ruby skull belonged to none other than Bea Arthur! She was so happy to have it back. For some reason she never returns my phone calls, though.BILL HEWSON: ... welcome back to NAPW on The Fight Network, wrestling fans, and during the break Krenshov has continued his... his ASSAULT on Seamus O'Connor!
A thunderous one-armed powerslam from Krenshov puts Seamus down. He makes a lazy cover, one, two, Seamus continues to fight with his shoulder up! The crowd cheers, trying to rally him. "SEAMUS, SEAMUS." Kenny manhandles his man to the bottom rope, and then puts all his weight on the man's back --- with Seamus' throat across the rope! Uruburu makes his five count, Kenny breaks at four. Uruburu telling Kenny to stay off the ropes... but while his back is turned to Seamus, Chris Casino chokes Seamus on the bottom rope! And a right hand for good measure!
BILL HEWSON: Oh come on! Like the odds aren't already against Seamus already, Casino needs to stay out of this.
JACK JONES: Chris Casino has a manager's license, and he has every right to be at ringside. Unlike Seamus' no-good brother!
BILL HEWSON: Seamus and Sean both want to make it to the finals on their OWN skills, but perhaps Seamus rethinking the decision to ask his brother to stay backstage...
Krenshov hoists Seamus up and literally throws him into the turnbuckle. He takes the other corner, twirls a finger and smirks, and CHARGES --- Seamus slips through the ropes! Kenny hits the turnbuckle hard --- Seamus' feet catch him in the head! O'Connor using the ropes to his advantage. Kenny reaches, Seamus ducks out of arm's length, then leaps to the top rope and ... ONTO KENNY'S SHOULDERS. Good God! Seamus tucks and rolls off and hits the ropes, Kenny turns around INTO A SPRINGBOARD BACKFIST! The colossus staggers, Seamus trying to find some momentum. Multiple thigh kicks score, can't take Krenshov down! Seamus off the ropes, Kenny with a palm strike, Seamus between Kenny's legs! Kenny spins around HURRICANRANA! ...
Kenny simply holds his ground.
BILL HEWSON: My goodness, look at the sheer POWER of Kenny Krenshov! POWERBOMB --- WAIT --- MULE KICK IN MID-AIR! MY GOD! Krenshov in the ropes Seamus O'Connor with a charge --- KENNY LIFTS HIM UP! RIGHT TO THE FLOOR!
JACK JONES: See ya, Seamus boyo!
Seamus hits the concrete HARD. The referee warns an advancing Chris Casino, who merely adjusts his tie. Seamus is in pain, but Krenshov isn't DONE with the hurting. He comes out and picks Seamus up, slamming him against the guardrail. Irish whip into the opposing! Seamus wracked for breath as the referee's count is up to four. Kenny with a CHARGE --- Seamus dives out of the way KENNY CHEST FIRST INTO THE GUARDRAIL! AND HE KNOCKS IT OVER! Holy crap, the momentum! Krenshov clutching his chest, moaning in guttural pain.
BILL HEWSON: I think --- Krenshov may have broken a rib there! He had all his weight behind that attack, he broke the guardrail! Wait a minute --- Seamus O'Connor just rolled into the ring, Casino trying to get Krenshov up! The referee's at eight!
JACK JONES: Get up Kenny, it was just a steel barrier!
BILL HEWSON: Nine... TEN! Kenny's been counted out!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner by count-out... SEAMUS O'CONNOR!
BILL HEWSON: Seamus O'Connor has advanced to the next round, can you believe it? And Kenny Krenshov is not a happy man!
JACK JONES: Seamus SURVIVED to the next round, and he better the heck outta Dodge!
Seamus raises his arms in the ring, as outside Kenny is up... and he picks up the detached guardrail, and throws it against the ringpost in his fury! CLANG! Seamus ducks out and decides to leave through the fans as Casino tries in vain to calm his charge down.
BILL HEWSON: Krenshov needs to watch his temper, but folks, Seamus O'Connor moves onto the Caliber Conference finals, where he awaits the winner of Donovan Astros vs Kumquat Kid! Right now, however, we go backstage to Josh Reynolds. Josh?
JOSH REYNOLDS: Thanks Bill... and with me right now is NAPW Triple Crown winner Bruce Richards. Now Bruce, you didn't make the cut for the Canada Cup playoffs. How do you feel?
Bruce turns and snarls.
BRUCE RICHARDS: How do I feel? I FEEL LIKE TAKING SOMEONE'S (BLEEP) HEAD OFF!
Josh looks a little surprised as Bruce starts breathing heavily, face reddening. Just as it looks like he is going to start wearing Josh as a hat, though, Bruce quickly composes himself. And smiles.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Not quite, actually. I know a lot of people out there are just BEGGING for me to snap. But I'm not going to. Because yes, Josh, I'm upset about missing out on the Canada Cup. But you can't expect to make a change as big as I have and expect it to be all smooth sailing. There are going to be a few mistakes.
JOSH REYNOLDS: It's been more than just "a few" mistakes, though, Bruce. You haven't won a singles match since...well, since I can remember.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Yes. Well, thanks for bringing that up for me, Josh.
JOSH REYNOLDS: And now, on top of your depressing record of late, comes another distraction. Kyle Roberts, your former friend and tag team partner, coming back to haunt you. How do you respond to that?
BRUCE RICHARDS: I don't. If Kyle wants to come back here and try and stir up an ego-stroke from the NAPW fans, that's his prerogative. My focus is, as it always has been, on the next step forward. And for me, that's the Sideshow Battle Royale. You see ---
Suddenly, a short man in a red uniform approaches.
DELIVERY BOY: 'Scuse me. I'm looking for a Mr. Richards?
BRUCE RICHARDS: That's me.
DELIVERY BOY: Telegram for you from a Mr. Kyle Roberts.
Before Reynolds or Bruce can react, the man then starts to sing.
DELIVERY BOY:
I'm sorry to see you, you're such a disgrace
Standing alone with the egg on your face
You're trying to handle this problem with grace
You think you're improving: this isn't the case
Your recent performance is awful at best
You're losing the battle, you're failing the test
But so what if you're the worst of the rest?
At least your new roommate has beautiful breasts!
You're boring the people from South, West, and East.
Your good reputation is nearly deceased,
So stop all the suckage; come back to the feast:
Get rid of "The Bore" and come back as "THE BEAST!"
The man tips his hat at Bruce and then quickly runs away. Josh looks at Bruce, who is taking deep breaths.
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm not going to kill him. I'm NOT going to kill him.
Bruce walks away...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
JACK JONES: And that's how I caught Carmen Sandiego.BILL HEWSON: How on earth did she manage to steal the Imperial Palace of Japan?
JACK JONES: She's good, Hewson, very good... but no match for a gumshoe like me.
BILL HEWSON: Sure, Jack, sure. Our main event tonight, wrestling fans, is ---
JACK JONES: THE WARRANT!
BILL HEWSON: ... is the second of two Canada Cup playoff matches, from the ---
JACK JONES: THE LOOT!
BILL HEWSON: KRYENIK CONFERENCE. STOP THAT.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is a Kryenik Conference semi-final match in the 2010 Canada Cup Tournament, and it is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at two-hundred fifty-nine pounds and now hailing from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, he is RODDERICK MACCULLOCH!
"Drunken Lullabies" by Flogging Molly hits the PA system as Roddy Mac comes out, and the fans get on their feet.
BILL HEWSON: The fans are ecstatic to see Roddy Mac, and I can't help but to wonder how physical this match is going to be with all the history involved.
JACK JONES: History? They've only DDT'd each other into vomit-filled toilets, if that's history then I need to document my weekends.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, weighing in at two-hundred thirty-five pounds and hailing from Miami, Florida, he is JEFFREY ROBERTS!
"Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed lights up and the fan's mood shifts 180 degrees. Roberts stares down Roddy Mac from the entrance way and slowly makes his way to the ring. When both men are in the ring the referee promptly calls for the bell.
BILL HEWSON: There's the bell and the match is underway. Both men waste no time and go right into a collar-elbow tie up.
Rodderick with the size advantage pulls Jeffrey into a side headlock and wrenches hard, but Roberts slips out and holds the arm into a chicken wing. Mac swings his free arm back but catches nothing but air as Roberts pours some hot sauce on the chicken wing. Roddy Mac uses his weight and runs Roberts back-first into the turnbuckle, and delivers a mean back elbow for good measure. The artist formerly known as Demolition Man pulls Roberts out of the corner and picks him up for a quick inverted atomic drop! Roberts doubles over and Roddy Mac sends him to the ground with a HUGE headbutt.
Jeffrey Roberts rolls out of the ring grabbing the side of his head and his groin at the same time. He shakes it off and jumps up on the apron instructing the referee to keep Mac back so he can enter, and then uses that split second of a distraction to launch himself into the ring with a diving clothesline!
BILL HEWSON: You give Roberts an inch and he'll take a mile, everytime!
JACK JONES: That what our manhoods look like when compared side-by-side. You're the inch, and I'm the mile!
BILL HEWSON: That's quite enough Jack. But Roberts is back on his feet and ouch! He just kicked Roddy in the face!
He pulls Mac to his feet and runs him shoulder first into the turnbuckle post! Roberts shoots himself off the middle rope and lands both of his knees in Mac's back. The big man contorts himself out of the corner and onto the mat. Roberts dips outside to the apron and SLINGSHOT LEGDROP. The man from Miami is quick to cover, but only a one count, and he reminds the zebra that the count should have been at least two.
Roddy gets ripped up from the mat and put right back down with a snap suplex, and Roberts drives a knee into Mac's face with a follow up pin with a crossface. One, and two is all he gets.
BILL HEWSON: Roberts is looking to make short work of Rodderick MacCulloch with a chance to advance in the biggest Canada Cup tournament to date.
Roberts pulls Roddy Mac to his feet and whips him into the ropes, but Mac stays himself on the ropes by hooking both his arms. Jeffrey charges, Roddy Mac pulls the ropes down, and Roberts spills onto the floor! It doesn't take long for Roberts to get up, but he gets a face full of BASEBALL SLIDE!
BILL HEWSON: Oh my, I think Roberts is busted open! We have to go to commercial, stay with us because we'll be back with more Roddy Mac versus Jeffrey Roberts!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
The cameras come back zoomed in on a very bloody Jeffrey Roberts getting blasted in the face with punch after punch in the corner until the referee forcibly pulls Roddy Mac off of his opponent.BILL HEWSON: We're back, and things have taken a turn for the violent folks. Right before the break Roberts was shown getting busted open by that baseball slide, and while we were away Jeffrey R--
JACK JONES: HE SPIT A BIG BLOODY LOOGEY IN MAC'S FACE!
BILL HEWSON: Yes... that's what happened Jack Attack, thank you for your wonderful colorful commentary. But once that happened Roddy Mac went into a rage of punches that just got broken up inside the ring.
Roberts stumbles out from the corner and Mac scoops him up for a powerslam! He hooks the leg-
ONE...
TWO...
and no! Roberts is loopy but not out. Mac pulls his opponent up and headbutts Roberts once again, and before he can fall down Mac grabs him again and headbutts him yet again. Roberts stumbles into the corner and Mac slinks into the other corner, his eyes fixated on Jeffrey Roberts.
BILL HEWSON: The fans are all on their feet, they know what's coming!
"THEY SAY I'M COCKY!" Chad Kurtis' music suddenly blares over the PA system, and Roddy Mac hesitates, looking towards the entranceway. The fans are confused with Rodderick as the NAPW World Champion has yet to materialize. Mac finally decides to shrug it off and turns to charge his opponent--CALGARY CRASH...
ON THE REFEREE!
BILL HEWSON: What the hell!? Roddy Mac was distracted by Chad Kurtis' theme song for a brief second, and when he turned to give Roberts his devastating finishing maneuver that snake pulled the referee in the way! The referee is OUT!
JACK JONES: Demo Man looks like he just ran over his puppy!
He can't get over the fact that he just gave a NAPW official one of the most devastating moves today, one which would have ended this match! Roberts begins digging into his boot while Mac is trying to revive the ref, and he produces a RAIL SPIKE!
BILL HEWSON: Oh no, this is going to go south real fast.
Roberts sneaks up on Mac, and grabs him in a one-armed sleeper. With his other hand he tries to drive the rail spike into Roddy Mac's head, but Mac caught his arm! There's a brief struggle, but Mac flips Roberts over with a snapmare, and now he has the spike! He raises it in the air, showing it off to the fans. Mac screams, "Want to see him bleed s'more!?"
JACK JONES: What's "s'more"?
BILL HEWSON: A delicious graham cracker, chocolate, and marshmallow sandwich. But wait, Roberts has produced ANOTHER spike, and he's back on his feet!
Roddy Mac turns, both men lock eyes, both men wielding rail spikes. And they do the only reasonable thing to do in this situation--they both begin drilling each other in the forehead with the rail spike! In no time at all blood is flying everywhere as spike, after spike, after spike, and finally Mac falls to the ground. Roberts tries to keep his composure but he falls to his hands and knees.
But Roberts sees the one thing Rodderick doesn't see--the referee begins to stir. Jeffery Roberts grins through his mask of blood, and throws his rail spike to the outside of the ring. Both bloody men get back to their feet, and Mac DRIVES a huge shot with the rail spike to Roberts head, sending him right to the mat.
DING DING DING
Mac looks confused at first, and then he audibly is heard saying, "Oh shit." He drops the spike and shakes his head.
BILL HEWSON: That son of a bitch Roberts, he just tricked his way into the finals of the Kryenik Conference of the Canada Cup!
JACK JONES: Oh, don't hate Hewson, both men were cheating, Demo Man was just too stupid and got caught!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of this match by disqualification, JEFFREY ROBERTS!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Rodderick yells at the referee about how Jeffrey Roberts brought the spikes into the ring, but the match has already been decided. He shakes his head in disgust and leaves the ring. As he heads up the entrance way, he stops, and sees Roberts getting to his feet. Mac smears the blood on his face and charges into the ring, keeps charging when he's in and hits THE CALGARY CRASH THROUGH THE ROPES AND BOTH MEN SPILL ONTO THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING! A holy shit chant breaks out immediately!
BILL HEWSON: Oh.my.god!
JACK JONES: I think Roberts is dead!
Mac slowly gets to his feet. He looks down at Roberts with disgust, and spits on him, then promptly turns and exits. Rodderick stops halfway up the entranceway to soak in the massive amount of cheers from the crowd. He raises his hand in recognition, but his face tells a story that he isn't very happy with the way things ended. The camera zooms in on a bloody Jeffrey Roberts, who is just beginning to stir on the concrete floor. A smile appears on his lips, a cough, and then a sadistic giggle.
BILL HEWSON: Not the result Roddy Mac wanted... the big question is, WHY did Chad Kurtis' play in the middle of the match? Folks, Jeffrey Roberts has advanced in the tournament... for Jack Jones, this is Bill Hewson saying ---
JACK JONES: DO IT ROCKAPELLA!
Lights down.