For the second time in as many shows, "Dirty Hands, Empty Pockets (Already Gone)" by Corrosion of Conformity hits to open NAPW on TFN. The Calgary fans shower the curtain with boos as Steve Parker steps through, an arrogant smirk on his face. He makes his way down the aisle, threatening to back hand slap a fan in the front row along the way, and rolls into the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a semi-final match in the 2010 NAPW Canada Cup! Introducing first, from Boston, Massachusetts...weighing in at two hundred and nineteen pounds... "THE STAR SPANGLED SENSATION" Steve PARKER!
BILL HEWSON: Well there he is, arguably the most hated man in NAPW... Welcome wrestling fans to NAPW on The Fight Network, and we are coming to you tonight from Calgary, Alberta! I'm Bill Hewson alongside Jack "Attack" Jones as we get set for our first of two Canada Cup semi-final match-ups tonight!
JACK JONES: Yeah --- hey, who is that in the front row?
The camera zooms in on a fan sitting in the front row. Clad in a Steve Parker themed hat, a giant foam finger, and a t-shirt with the Monopoly man on it reading "Steve Parker is the dominant Parker Brother," it's clear this is no fan...
BILL HEWSON: That's no fan... that's Jeffrey Roberts!
JACK JONES: To be fair...Jeffrey Roberts is a HUGE Steve Parker fan.
BILL HEWSON: Give me a break! Roberts must be out there scouting his two possible opponents in the next round of the tournament --- and here comes the other one now!
"Good Fight" by Creed hits and the crowd erupts as Sean O'Connor steps out from the back and slaps hands with fans as he walks to the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, from Boston Massachusetts...weighing in at one hundred and fifty pounds...SEAN O'CONNOR!
BILL HEWSON: We've been looking forward to this match all week, but this isn't the first time these two have squared off! Back at Thunderclash 3000, Sean O'Connor pulled a victory out of his hat and upset Steve Parker...and Parker is hell bent on avenging that loss tonight!
JACK JONES: Wrestling against Sean O'Connor is like wrestling a squash ball, Hewson! He's bouncing all over the place, and you have to catch him before you can hurt him...I hope Parker's been chasing chickens to prepare for this one!
The bell sounds and they circle each other. In the front row, a little girl is about to take her first lick into a freshly scooped ice cream cone. Jeffrey Roberts snatches it out of her hands just as her eyes widen and she's about to get her first taste of the frozen treat. He quickly smushes it into his mouth, getting it all over his face. Not caring about the sobbing little girl, nor the fact that his face is a mess, he stands up, dropping the ice cream cone and trying to start a "Parker" chant to no avail.
In the ring, Parker and O'Connor lock up...no, O'Connor slides through his legs. Parker spins around...O'Connor with a right hand! And another! And another! Parker staggering back and O'Connor to the ropes...Parker swings at him wildly with a clothesline, but O'Connor ducks and shoots back with a flying forearm! The crowd goes wild as Parker hits the mat! Parker springs back to his feet though and kicks the ropes in frustration. Again they go to lock up...and this time O'Connor side steps him and as Parker turns around, O'Connor surprises him with a drop kick that lands squarely! Steve Parker, clearly frustrated, gets to his feet and charges at him. O'Connor leap frogs over him...Parker furiously spins back to face him... PELE! O'Connor caught him and Parker goes down! O'Connor with a quick cover!
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
O'Connor quickly gets to his feet and shoots off the ropes. Parker gets to his feet and O'Connor flies at him with a high cross body...no! Parker catches him and hotshots him off the top rope! O'Connor flops back to the mat. Parker shakes out the cobwebs and Jeffrey Roberts cheers wildly in the crowd as he sips a slushy, drawing boos.
Parker pulls O'Connor out to the center of the ring by his legs and flips him over onto his stomach. He grabs O'Connor's leg, lifts it high into the air and DRIVES it down hard into the mat! And again! And again! Parker trying to take away the speed of the feisty Irishman, and now he locks ankles and drops back to the pat with an Indian death lock! O'Connor's knee twists in an awkward position. Satisfied, Parker pulls the hobbling O'Connor to his feet and heaves him into the corner. Parker drives a knee into his gut and then European Uppercuts him back upright. Parker lifts him up and crotches him on the top rope, and then climbs up to meet him. He drives several fists into the side of O'Connor's head and lifts him up for a superplex! No! O'Connor holds onto the top rope and fights back! O'Connor throwing fiery right hands into the mid-section of Steve Parker, and Parker falls back, crashing onto the mat below! O'Connor, dazed, pulls himself up and stands on the top rope...and he goes for it, all or nothing! O'Connor with a frog splash! NO! Steve Parker gets his knees up!
JACK JONES: Oof! And Parker catches him right in his pot of gold!
BILL HEWSON: Would you stop? O'Connor showing tremendous heart against the bigger and stronger Steve Parker, but Parker was one step ahead of him on that one! Parker gets to his feet and pulls O'Connor back up. O'Connor on spaghetti legs and Parker lifts him up...musclebuster! O'Connor sits up and promptly flops back down to his side upon impact, and Parker with a cover! He hooks the leg!
ONE!
TWO!
THR...NO!
BILL HEWSON: O'Connor gets his shoulder up!
JACK JONES: Ahh!
Parker complains about a slow count, but to no avail. In the front row, Jeffrey Roberts throws a tantrum, smashing his slushy into the floor and screaming at the referee. Parker pulls O'Connor back to his feet and whips him to the ropes...O'Connor catches him with his head down! The crowd roars as O'Connor leaps into the air and claps down onto Parker's back with a double foot stomp as he comes down! Parker drops like a ton of bricks and O'Connor races to the top rope! Parker groggily getting to his feet and O'Connor leaps...MISSILE DROP KICK! Parker flips back upon impact and folds up like an accordion in the opposite corner!
BILL HEWSON: Death from above! And Sean O'Connor can do some damage here!
O'Connor blocks out the pain and pulls Parker to his feet. Parker barely able to stand and O'Connor catches him with a spinning roundhouse heel kick! Parker hits the mat and O'Connor once more leaps up to the top rope! The crowd on its feet and the cameras flash as O'Connor jumps off...360 SPLASH! And he connects! He grabs his abdomen in pain but fights to make the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
NO!
BILL HEWSON: Parker got his foot on the bottom rope! The match continues!
JACK JONES: My heart! My heart!
BILL HEWSON: Sean O'Connor can't believe it and neither can Jeffrey Roberts!
Jeffrey Roberts' jaw hits the floor, but as the camera aims at him he pastes a vacant expression of joy on his face. Back in the ring, O'Connor pulls Parker to his feet and whips him to the ropes. Parker on the rebound...O'Connor with a drop toe hold and Parker drapes across the second rope! O'Connor looking to the crowd and they go wild as he bounces off the ropes and spins at Parker...BUSHMILLS DRILL!
NO! Steve Parker reverses it and turns it into the FREEDOM FRYER! He has it hooked!
JACK JONES: YES! YES! It's all over but the cryin' now!
BILL HEWSON: Steve Parker has the Freedom Fryer cinched in perfectly!
O'Connor fights desperately for an escape, reaching for the ropes but to no avail. The crowd cheering wildly and trying to will O'Connor out of it, but O'Connor fading...fading...Parker ripping and tearing at him, gnashing his teeth and screaming at him to tap but O'Connor refuses! O'Connor slowly beginning to close his eyes...and then suddenly bursts back to life! He rolls Parker over for a cover!
JACK JONES: NO! NOT AGAIN! AHH!
BILL HEWSON: This is how he beat Steve Parker in their last meeting!
No! Parker rolls right through it and keeps the hold locked on, and now he has him squarely in the center of the ring. Parker pulling back with every ounce of strength he can muster! O'Connor fighting! But he has no escape, and has no choice but to tap!
BILL HEWSON: Steve Parker has done it! Parker advances to the finals of the Canada Cup to take on Jeffrey Roberts!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner, STEVE PARKER!
And with that Jeffrey Roberts bursts from his seat and WILDLY applauds Parker's victory! Whistling, hooting, hollering, hugging the person next to him in joy, making those in his vicinity distinctly uncomfortable. Parker has his hand raised, all smiles. He collects his 2009 Award plaques and exits the ring as we head to commercial.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
NAPW returns from break with Josh Reynolds standing beside NAPW Commissioner Terry Brandon.JOSH REYNOLDS: Welcome back fans, up next is the SIDESHOW BATTLE ROYALE orchestrated by the mysterious Zouave. Commissioner Brandon, how did this match get signed?
TERRY BRANDON: Damned if I know son, this clown comes outta nowhere and tries to take over NAPW with his 'greatest show on earth' bullcrap on a stick but last week, I don't know why, but last week he presented me with a contract signed by NAPW owner Bobby Winchell and I'll be dipped if it wasn't his signature on official NAPW legal documentation. I checked it, I tested it, I called up Wahoo asking what the deal was and I didn't get any real answer except that he did sign the damned contract, so this Zouave hoser gets to play his little game for tonight. Zouave, I'll be watching you closely, because this is New Alberta Pro Wrestling not clown college!
Brandon storms off, leaving Josh in a daze from the outburst.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Back to you at ringside, Bill.
BILL HEWSON: Thanks Josh, and now ... well, take a look at what's been set up during the break.
JACK JONES: I like it! Zouave has style!
Off to one side of the aisle, Zouave sits in a bizarre looking 'throne', the bearded lady and a fire-eater on either side. THE FREAK SHOW with the tag team title belts are already in the ring, waiting for the opponents. Zouave has a microphone in his hand and lilts into it...
ZOUAVE: Helooooooooo! What a shee-oh we have for you tonight, oh my darlings! Now it is time for my own special creation, oh my, the SIDESHOW BATTLE ROYALE! The winner will get a HY-UGE PRIZE! Come on out, you wrestler men you!
BILL HEWSON: Zouave gives me the creeps.
Circus music starts up and out stream a legion of NAPW wrestlers. The Moose! Wayne Wright! The Calgary Connection of The Fixer & The Hatchet! Hey, it's... DJ WIGGER! Chris Kamikaze leads the Worker's Guild of Alberta out, followed by his allies Esteban, Gary, Modo WHOA! and "Bad Boy" Joey Malone. Bringing up the rear (literally) is Big Mitch, who is eating an ENTIRE HAM and holding an ENTIRE ROAST CHICKEN in the other. OM NOM NOM.
BILL HEWSON: Um... is it just me, or is Big Mitch... bigger?
JACK JONES: I see he's on the "Why use a knife and fork" diet!
Even Mitch's friends appear disgusted by his new obesity. Mitch licks his fingers as he rolls into the ring like The Blob. The fans suddenly cheer as out comes Danny Chaos, followed by Lloyd Rees. Boos for Bobby Crane, Justin Case, and... BOO to Steve Parker making his 2nd appearance. Cheers for Bruce Richards!
BILL HEWSON: I count... nineteen men in the ring, this is going to be a doozy of a Battle Royale. I just don't get what makes it "sideshow."
JACK JONES: It's the HY-UGE prize!
BILL HEWSON: Stop that.
Everybody is in the ring, and Zouave speaks again.
ZOUAVE: Ohhhhhh what a spectacle in the ring for me! Here are the rules, peep-elll --- throw everybody else over the top rope to get the HY-UGE prize! But if you don't entertain MEEEEE then something may happen! Ring the bellllll!
DING DING DING
Immediately chaos erupts in the ring, as everybody in the ring except The Freak Show... go for Big Mitch! Mitch squeals and even 15 men can barely get him over, lifting until his fat ass gets far enough over that gravity takes over and Mitch tumbles to the floor below! He's out! Mitch looks like he's going to cry, but then realizes he still has chicken left so starts knawing on the bone.
BOOM! The Freak spinkicks Modo WHOA! and knocks the masked man out of the ring! Shut Down picks up Esteban and presses him over the top rope on top of him! Joey Malone starts fighting the tag champs all alone... no, Gary is with him! Chris Kamikaze climbs to the top rope to try to help ---
WHOOPS! CK's inner-ear imbalance acts up and he loses his footing, slipping to the floor below! Meanwhile The Freak Show handily toss Joey and Gary out next to their WGA brethren.
ZOUAVE: Oh beeee-UUUUU-tiful! They weren't entertaining at all! Freak Show get a reward for doing that, none of you can eliminate them for TWO MINUTES! Impress me and you can get rewarded tooooooo! Start the clock youuuuu!
JACK JONES: Wow! The Freak Show have eliminated the entire WGA in less than a minute!
BILL HEWSON: Impressive performance from the Tag Team Champions but what is Zouave on, changing the rules as the match goes on! We have to take a commercial break... when we return --- wait a minute, what's that music?
A heavy techno/industrial beat plays, the fans don't know what to think of it. It's not familiar as anybody's entrance theme... suddenly!
"DEMO-MAN, DEMO-MAN!
CALLING DEMO-MAN!
RUNNING IN MY HEAD YEAH!"
BILL HEWSON: THE DEMOLITION MAN --- RODDY MAC!
Rob Zombie blasts and the crowd goes crazy as RODDERICK MACCULLOCH runs down the aisle from the curtain! He rolls into the ring --- THE CALGARY CRASH ON STEVE PARKER! Watch out Justin Case CALGARY CRASH! DJ Wigger leaps off the top rope at Demo --- he gets caught! LAWN DART TO THE FLOOR! Wigger's out! The Calgary Connection try to double-team, they whip Roddy to the ropes... he duckes their clothesline and comes back with a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE SENDING THEM BOTH OUT! Wayne Wright attacks --- Roddy simply tosses him out! The Moose gets a shot in! He lifts Roddy up for the Roughneck... Roddy slips out behind and dumps The Moose out and over the top rope! The crowd chants "RODDY MAC, RODDY MAC" as NAPW fades to commercial!
BILL HEWSON: RODDY MAC IS STILL IN NAPW! YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
NAPW returns from break, the battle royale raging on. Suddenly, a voice booms over the PA system."Come on, Bruce! You can do it! Or, I'm sure you could if you just, I don't know, applied yourself. Unleash the beast! You call that a punch? A soft furry kitten from a toilet paper commercial could do more damage."
Kyle Roberts walks out, to a very mixed reaction. Some people boo, some cheer, but Kyle walks up to ringside, nattering away.
STYLIN' KYLE: Watch out for Parker! That dude is MEAN! I mean, not as mean as you were, but your bite is sort of toothless now. Is Parker the Beast? Because it sure isn't you these days."
Bruce looks frustrated, and turns his attention to Kyle for a second, before Steve Parker throws a punch. Bruce sags into the ropes.
STYLIN' KYLE: Man, I haven't seen someone go down that fast since the last video I saw Tiff-
The crowd erupts in "Oooohs," as Bruce's eyes flash, and he turns his attention to Kyle. Bobby Crane takes advantage of the moment, and tosses him over the top rope. Kyle scrambles over the barricade to some sort of safety.
STYLIN' KYLE: Aaah, nooo. Bruce, why would you do that? How are you going to be able to please the retarded brother of Ringmaster Iago now?
Bruce stands up and glares at Kyle, who's already retreating through the audience.
STYLIN' KYLE: Chalk up one more loss for Bruce "The Bland" Richards, I guess!
Bruce curses under his breath and if looks could kill, fifty daggers would erupt out of Kyle's front. He sighs and storms up the ramp as the referees herd him towards the curtain.
JACK JONES: You don't have anybody to blame but yourself, Richards! Kyle Roberts is just telling it like it is!
BILL HEWSON: Kyle Roberts doesn't know when to quit... but Richards is the one who took his attention off the match, and that allowed Bobby Crane to capitalize and take Bruce out!
A move that seems to have drawn the ire of Danny Chaos, who delivers a big front flip dropkick to Crane, knocking him over the top rope!
JACK JONES: Oh no!
BILL HEWSON: Danny Chaos just eliminated Crane... wait, no! Only one of Crane's feet touched the floor, he's still in this. And... he just rolled BACK out under the bottom rope? Wait just a damn minute, Bobby Crane just crawled underneath the ring! He wasn't eliminated, he went out under the ropes! Come on...
JACK JONES: Brilliant strategy! Not only is Bobby Crane beautiful, he's smart too! And I think he's watched old Jack Attack tapes if he knows that move!
BILL HEWSON: When are you asking him out, Jack?
JACK JONES: Do you REALLY think he'd go out with me --- I mean, Hewson, I just respect a talented NAPW newcomer! It's about time we had some talent in this match!
BILL HEWSON: Danny Chaos tangling with Justin Case, they had a war of words this week. Lloyd Rees trying to stave off elimination by The Freak & Shut Down, while Roddy Mac and Steve Parker are trying to get the better of each other, renewing that rivalry! Some of you fans only know Danny Chaos as an NAPW -referee-, but he is a trained wrestler. Unfortunately injury problems put him out of competition, he sees this as a chance to prove he can still go!
JACK JONES: I'm surprised he hasn't dislocated something already.
Chaos trying to get Case over, Case goes to the eyes to cut it off. The Freak Show dump Rees over the top, but Rees lands on the apron and rolls back in. Zouave appears to be bored on his throne.
ZOUAVE: You're all sooooo bor-ING. Freak Show, would you be sooooo kind as to remove the most boring in this match?
BILL HEWSON: What is with this --- wait a minute, The Freak Show are going for Roddy and Parker!
JACK JONES: Of course they are! Chad Kurtis HATES both of those guys!
BILL HEWSON: The World Champion is NOT working with Zouave, how can you believe anything that spews out of this clown's mouth?
JACK JONES: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zouave and The Freak Show keep going after Parker and Roddy, the two guys the champ can't stand?
BILL HEWSON: Well, I ---
Lloyd Rees and Danny Chaos try to put Justin Case over the top rope as Shut Down and The Freak pound on Roddy and Parker. Shut Down picks the big Roddy up like he was a child and tries to put him out, but Roddy grabs the top rope in both hands and fights it off! The Freak nails Parker with a series of kicks and punches, stunning the man in his second match tonight. Freak with a spin kick --- Parker ducks! Sweeps the leg of The Freak, and then ... SUPER-SIZED KICK TO SHUT DOWN! Shut Down staggers, dropping Roddy, but stays on his feet... Roddy Mac headbutts him! Parker & Roddy hit the ropes and DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE THE BIG MAN OUT OF THE RING!
BILL HEWSON: I can't believe this, Steve Parker & Roddy Mac working TOGETHER?!
JACK JONES: CATS LIVING WITH DOGS! And --- WHOA!
The Freak charges both guys, who duck and double body-drop The Freak over the top rope where he's caught by Shut Down! Shut Down puts The Freak back on the apron, but Parker hits another Super-Sized kick that sends Freak flying back to the floor! Roddy and Parker actually nod in respect for that, but Parker goes for a cheap shot. Roddy Mac was wise and blocks, they fire away, trying to push the other over the top rope!
The Freak Show leap up to the ring apron and each pull down the top rope, and Roddy and Parker tumble over!
ZOUAVE: Ooooooh, look at that, so SORRR-EEEE. It's the FANTASTIC FOUR now, who will win the HY-UGE prize?
BILL HEWSON: Four...? I only count three --- Lloyd Rees, Justin Case and surprisingly, Danny Chaos!
Case delivers a belly-to-belly suplex to Rees that sends him across the ring. Chaos however connects with a big right kick to the temple. Case is against the ropes, Chaos charges... Case ducks! But Chaos lands ON THE MIDDLE ROPE, SPRINGBOARD CASE WITH A BELLY TO BELLY out of nowhere! Great counter! Case tries to put Chaos out, Chaos fights his way out of, but Justin Case goes low. BOOOO. Chaos staggered and Case clotheslines him out over the top!
Case mugs for the angry crowd, cocky --- and Lloyd Rees clotheslines HIM out as soon as he turns around to face him! Rees looks around and doesn't see anybody else, so raises his arms in celebration! Zouave scowls.
ZOUAVE: Youuuuuu? You didn't win! There is one MOOOORE man! Or did you for-get!
BILL HEWSON: WHat is he... WAIT A MINUTE! BOBBY CRANE WAS UNDER THE RING, I TOTALLY FORGOT!
JACK JONES: YES!
Bobby Crane comes out the other side of the ring from Rees, checking his hair in a handheld mirror. He rolls into the ring and TIPS REES OUT! Bobby Crane wins ---
WAIT! Rees skins the cat back in, Crane is too busy celebrating! Rees is back in, Crane doesn't know... DDT FROM THE GREEN! Rees picks up a limp Crane and tosses him over the top rope! The fans go nuts!
BILL HEWSON: Lloyd Rees wins this thing! What a performance, the best we've seen out of the veteran in months! Don't go away, we'll be right back.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Back from commercial, Rees is still in the ring with his music playing. Zouave pouts, but then starts speaking to the winner of the Sideshow Battle Royale.ZOUAVE: YOU weren't sup-POSED to win. You're OLD NY-EWZ. Oh... are you all ready for the HY-UGE PRIZE? Well, I have a briefcase full of MON-EEE...
Zouave holds up a briefcase and opens it, showing stacks of money!
ZOUAVE: Isn't it nice? I have it. Now, as for the HY-UGE PRIZE... FREAK SHOW, would you give him the priiiiize
WHAM.
The Freak Show attack Rees from behind! The beatdown commences!
BILL HEWSON: Wait just a damn minute, Rees won this thing fair and square! Come off it! Zouave is just ... like this is some sick game all for HIS amusement!
The Freak Show pick Rees up for their finisher, and suddenly the crowd pops! THE O'CONNOR BOYS CHARGE OUT WITH STEEL CHAIRS! They get in the ring and clang each Freak Show member on the back. CON-CHAIR-TO to the arms of the big Shut Down and the Freak Show get out of the ring. The OCB are furious as The Freak Show gather on the floor near a furious looking Zouave. The Freak grabs the mic and brings it to his mouth.
THE FREAK: Let's hear it for Zouave! Man that clown knows how to put on a show doesn't he?
The fans did enjoy the Battle Royale, but they boo the tag champs. Shut Down takes the mic up to his mouth.
SHUT DOWN: But we're not here to talk about that, we'll talk about you two celtic creeps in the ring. Did you fans know... that the O'Connor Boys have cashed in on their rematch clause.
THE FREAK: Well, that's all fine and good but one question remains. What kind of match shall it be? We've had a standard match, and we've put them through tables. So where can we go to elevate it from there.
SHUT DOWN: Then we remembered something Sean, or was it you, Seamus, said.
THE FREAK: You OCB said that we didn't fight fair. You said we beat you in what was essentially a handicap match. Well, what did you expect? We are carnies after all, and who has ever heard of carnies playing fair?
SHUT DOWN: Goes against everything we believe in really. But anyway, back to the question at hand. What match? Well since you didn't like that we used the lack of rules to our advantage by handcuffing the odd man out, we have the perfect solution.
THE FREAK: Because in this match, one person from each team starts off handcuffed... Because we will defend our titles in the CARNIVAL OF CARNAGE! Best two out of three falls... First man to score a fall frees his partner, guaranteeing that it WILL be a handicap match at some point.
SHUT DOWN: Oh, and it IS no disqualification, no count-out. Have fun!
At this both men drop their mics and walk to the back. Zouave looks super-pleased. In the ring, the O'Connors help Rees up and raise his arms in victory as Dropkick Murphys kick back up...
We transition backstage, where RODDY MAC is standing with a towel around his neck cornered by Josh Reynolds.
JOSH REYNOLDS: I am standing here with Rodderick MacCulloch. I am glad to see you decided to stay with the NAPW. I would like to congratulate you on a great showing in the Battle Royale.
RODDERICK MACCULLOCH: Well...
No sooner than Mac can formulate a sentence, Parker saunters over to Rod and Josh, the Smile plastered in it's usual spot.
STEVE PARKER: Well... well... well. Was the big, bad real world too scaaawy for Woddy Mac? I was going to warn you that the thing we call "math" was a scary--
Rod looks to be irritated with Parker and cuts him off by getting in his face, looming over him. Parker's eyes narrow, but the Smile doesn't wane
RODDERICK MACCULLOCH: Listen, if you have something to say to me, (BLEEP)in' say it already. Otherwise I suggest you leave before I take your awards and shove 'em where the sun don't shine.
STEVE PARKER: Oh, save it, Demo. You're easier to take seriously when you don't speak. Besides, I think you and I have just a wee bit more in common than you think.
Parker pauses. Roddy looks ready to drill Parker all the way to China, but one sigh later, and he eases off ever so slightly.
RODDERICK MACCULLOCH: Go on...
STEVE PARKER: Just follow along. I'll speak nice and slow so you don't get lost. Two weeks ago, I was in a title match with Chad Kurtis, and the Freak Show screwed me. Last week, you have Jeffery Roberts on his last legs, and guess who's music plays? "They say I'm Cocky...". Yeah, I can see the gears turning in your vacant mind. Awfully fishy, huh? Almost seems like... "The Show" has another type of "Show" in his back pocket. Get it? In case you didn't, I meant--
Roddy Mac cuts Parker off.
RODDERICK MACCULLOCH: I get it, you (BLEEP)in' douchwaffle!
An awkward, tense silence lingers. Neither man is backing down, and Josh's eyes dart back and forth, trying to gauge the two.
JOSH REYNOLDS: You really aren't buying into this are you?
Rodderick MacCulloch slowly... nods?
RODDERICK MACCULLOCH: Parker, I can't (BLEEP)in' stand to say this. But, you make some sense. Ya know. After my incident with Chad I would at least expect him to man up and accept my apology. Then he interrupts my match causing me to lose? What is in it for him? Then it seems like The Freak Show are going out of their damn way to take BOTH of us out --- the two of us being the guys Chad's screwed over the last month! Something tells me he doesn't want to face you or me in that ring. And he is either in it with the clown for protection, or the clown is looking to schmooze his way to a title shot. Either (BLEEP)in' way I don't like it.
STEVE PARKER: scoff Wow... looks like you've got more working up there than science had previously estimated. Just watch your back. The way things are now, you never know what's going to happen around this asylum anymore.
Parker goes to leave, but Rod grabs him by the arm.
RODDERICK MACCULLOCH: Saw what you said about me. Don't think I forgot. I have something for you.
Rod reaches down and pulls out a tiny dildo.
RODDERICK MACCULLOCH: Parkers Perfect Pecker. I saw this at the local triple x shop. I am just wondering. Was that mold done to scale?
Parker holds it for a second, horror growing on his face with each passing second once he realizes what it is.
STEVE PARKER: Eww... Ewwwww... EWWWWWW!
Parker shrieks most un-manly-like, tossing the dildo into the air... then catching it... then launching it, almost juggling, until he tosses it at Josh, hitting him in the eye. Josh goes down in a heap, Parker runs off with his hands trying to shake off the germs, and Rodderick MacCulloch... giving a big Smile of his own.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
"Look At Me, I'm A Winner" springs to life in the speakers and half of the crowd jump to their feet, those for Donovan sit in their seats stoicly. Ryan Lewis rushes out from the back with his hands outstretched.FRANK WARBURTON: From Dade City, Florida, he stands at six feet even and weighs in at two hundred pounds even, he is your Kumquat Kid... RYAN LEWIS!
Ryan slides into the ring under the bottom rope before kipping up to his feet to await Donovan.
"All Eyez On Me" hits up in the speakers as from the back, Heritage strap over his shoulder, is Donovan Astros to a mixed reaction. His fans love him, most fans do, but he is facing Ryan Lewis and Ryan's fans love him tonight while they hate Donovan.
FRANK WARBURTON: Making his way to the ring from Los Angeles, California, he stands at six feet three inches and weighs in at two hundred and forty-one pounds... your Heritage Champion... DONOVAN ASTROS!
Donovan steps up the ringsteps and through the ropes, his eyes glued to Ryan's all the way.
DING DING
Ryan and Donovan circle each other in the center of the ring, they go in for a collar and elbow lockup. Donovan with a wristlock into a hammerlock, but Ryan quickly reverses into a wristlock of his own. Kumquat with a quick kick to Donovan's ribs before releasing the wristlock in favor of a single arm DDT down to the canvas. Ryan leaps up to his feet, jumping over Donovan as he hits the ropes to spring back with a moonsault onto Donovan where he covers for a quick pin attempt.
JACK JONES: No way Donovan is going down that early.
BILL HEWSON: Donovan kicks out after one and a half, Ryan pulling him back up.
Ryan with an Irish whip sends Donovan into the ropes, Ryan lowers his head as he drops down to one knee. Donovan rebounds Ryan shoots up to his feet and Donovan is on his shoulders. Ryan spins around but Donovan manages to counter with a spinning inverted implant DDT that takes the Kid out momentarily. Donovan wipes his face before pulling the Kid up to a vertical base.
BILL HEWSON: Donovan with the Astrolabe out of nowhere!
JACK JONES: Nothing is held back when the Canada Cup is on the line.
Donovan lifts Ryan up onto his shoulders for a powerslam and turns to the larger part of the ring. Donovan with a running start before dropping down to one knee to slam Ryan's shoulder onto his knee with a running shoulderbreaker. Ryan grunts out in pain as his right hand goes immediately to his left shoulder, but Donovan stands up, a hungry shark look in his eyes. The crowd is chanting for Donovan, no wait the crowd is chanting for The Kumquat Kid... the crowd is behind both men!Donovan drops a knee on the left shoulder of Ryan before standing up to nail another knee drop which causes Ryan to grunt out in extreme pain. Donovan pulls Ryan back up to his feet, Irish whip into the ropes. Ryan springs back with a crossbody that catches Donovan off guard sending him down to the canvas. Ryan's fans cheer wildly as it looks like he is back in this match. Ryan kips up to his feet, bouncing off the ropes delivering a baseball slide to Donovan that rolls the Heritage Champion out of the ring and to the outside. Ryan hops back up to a vertical base in the ring, beginning to get his fans to be louder than those fans who are for Donovan.
"Kum-quat!" "As-tros!" "Kum-quat!" "As-tros!" "Kum-quat!" "As-tros!" "Kum-quat!" "As-tros!"
JACK JONES: These idiotic fans can't even choose a wrestler to support.
BILL HEWSON: It is because of the talent both men have and a very loyal following behind them both as well.
On the outside Astros is getting up to his feet, his arm on the ring apron. Donovan shoves off the apron, stumbling away from the ring for a moment, Ryan comes flying over the top rope to twist his body in mid air squashing Donovan on the floor with a senton plancha to the outside. Ryan gets up, but he is holding at his shoulder that must have made contact with the floor, but he waves out to the crowd giving a brave smile. Referee John Sharplin, knowing the importance of this match begins the mandatory ten count still. Ryan pulls Donovan up to his feet, spinning heel kick sends Donovan back down to one knee with his hands on the floor to keep him somewhat upright. Ryan delivers a knee into Donovan's face as the count reaches four and Ryan rolls Donovan into the ring onto his back. Ryan leaps to the apron, judging the distance to Donovan inside the ring. Ryan nods before dead leaping to the top rope, spreading his feet wide and leaping forward while flipping backwards to land on the canvas with a splash. Donovan manages to roll out of the way just in time to avoid the move from Ryan, Lewis is holding at his midsection as he struggles up to his feet against the ropes. Astros comes over, knee into the ribs sends Ryan out of the ropes to the apron where he is continuing to hold his midsection but appears to be hunched over his shoulder as well. Donovan leans over the top rope, but Ryan with a shoulder block into Donovan's midsection costs both men as Ryan without thinking used his injured shoulder. Donovan holds at his stomach, but manages to bring Ryan through the ropes in a front facelock. Donovan locks in as his fans cheer wildly for.
JACK JONES: Concussion Cannon!
BILL HEWSON: Donovan nails the Concussion Cannon early on, but will it enough?
Donovan makes the cover as Referee John Sharplin slides into position for the count.
One...
Two...
Th..
Ryan manages to get a foot on the ropes, Ryan's still in the match. Donovan's fans groan but Ryan's fans roar their approval! Donovan looks a bit upset, but knows from experience some are harder to put away than others. Donovan pulls him back up to his vertical base, delivering a few forearm shots that rock the Kumquation on his fruity foundation. Donovan Irish whips Ryan intot he opposite corner, following quickly with a Vader type splash in the corner. Ryan falls out of the corner right into Donovan's straight jacket suplex that sends Ryan slamming down on his left shoulder. The Kumquations in the crowd groan as Ryan does, but the Donovanites roar their approval with the move.
JACK JONES: Straight Jacket, Ryan landing right on his shoulder.
BILL HEWSON: That is never good, Ryan seems to be in a world of hurt now. Astros so good at picking apart the body.
Donovan pulls Ryan back up to his feet, setting The Kid up for the Slingshot Effect. Donovan smiles as he lifts Ryan up, but Ryan flips out of Donovan's finisher to deliver a lungblower on the Heritage Champion! The Donovanites groan, but it is time for the Kumquations to roar their approval.
"Kum-quat!" "As-tros!" "Kum-quat!" "As-tros!" "Kum-quat!" "As-tros!" "Kum-quat!" "As-tros!"
Ryan is breathing heavily with his arm drapped over the bottom, now middle rope, but he can't manage enough to make the cover on Astros. Ryan is up, wobbles a bit on his feet as he walks over to the turnbuckle. Ryan drags Donovan over towards the corner before pointing skyward and the Kumquations roar again. Ryan steps through the ropes and climbs to the top turnbuckle, he flips with his four hundred and fifty degrees splash and it connects! Ryan hooks the leg, making the pin as referee John Sharplin slides into position.
One...
Two...
Thre--
Donovan gets a shoulder up! Somehow Donovan gets a shoulder up!
JACK JONES: I can't believe it!
BILL HEWSON: Neither can Lewis, but he has to refocus on the task at hand.
Ryan pulls Donovan back up, a bit shell shocked, but continuing with the offense. Ryan with an Irish whip, Donovan with a reversal. Ryan slams into the ropes, comes back with a speed only he can manage. Donovan slams into him with a shoulderblock that takes Ryan down onto his back, this gives the Donovanites something to cheer about. Using the momentum to his advantage, Donovan picks Ryan up, setting him up for the Butterfly suplex. Donovan lifts him up, carrying him on over his head instead of the side release. Ryan is slammed into the canvas, noticeably clutching at his left shoulder after impact. Donovan rolls up to his feet, limping slightly on his left leg. Donovan pulls Ryan back up, Irish whip into the ropes.
BILL HEWSON: Donovan choosing to inflict more damage here, no doubt setting up for the Martyr's Cross --- the very move he beat the Kumquat Kid with last week!
Ryan leaps over Donovan's back body attempt landing on the top rope. Ryan springs back as Donovan turns around and takes the Heritage Champion down with a flying headscissors takedown. Ryan kips up quickly, using the Kumquations' cheers to fuel his adrenaline. Ryan locks Donovan in a Tree of Woe position before rushing across the ring to the opposite corner. Ryan points out to the Kumquations...
"Viva La Kumquat!"
The crowd yells along with Ryan as he charges with the move.
BILL HEWSON: Dropkiiiiick DONOVAN SITS UP! OH that does not go good for Lewis!
Ryan crotches himself on the ringpost and everyone, including Donovanites, groan as Ryan clutches at himself. Donovan drops down out of the Tree of Woe position and to the outside where he looks up at Ryan there crotched. Donovan lifts one leg, locking in the ringpost figure four leglock on Ryan. Referee John Sharplin immediately begins the five count as this move is illegal.
One...
Ryan is screaming in pain as his fans yell their disapproval towards Astros.
Two...
Donovanites yell their approval as Ryan grunts still in pain.
Three...
Four...
Donovan breaks the hold, but the major damage has already been done. Donovan slides back into the ring, pulling the now limping Ryan Lewis back to his feet. Ryan fires a fist into Donovan's midsection before twisting to send Donovan down with a swinging neckbreaker. The Kumquations jump to their feet, urging their hero on, Ryan obliges but is only able to slowly up to his feet. Ryan climbs the corner again, signaling for the Five Alive Frogsplash. Ryan dives, but Donovan manages to roll out of the way!
BILL HEWSON: Just like last week, but wait! Kumquat Kid saw it coming! He's up!
The Kid manages to roll on through the move to get back up to his feet to meet the charging Donovan Astros with the PEZ DISPENSER! Donovan is out and The Kid falls on him for the cover.
One...
Two...
Thre--
Foot on the ropes, Donovan's foot is on the bottom rope and the referee sees it!
JACK JONES: Geeze! That was close.
BILL HEWSON: Closer than anyone actually realizes --- Kumquat Kid had the match won, but Astros knew where he was in the ring!
Before Donovan can regain any momentum, Ryan lifts him up, setting him up for The Pez Dispenser once again. Ryan lifts Donovan up, but Astros counters with a DDT to the canvas. Astros forces himself up, nailing Ryan with the Slingshot Effect in the center of the ring. Donovan makes the cover.
One...
Two...
Thr--
Ryan with a shoulder up! His fans cheer wildly --- WAIT! Donovan turns the man over immediately from the kick-out... and locks the Martyr's Cross in on that injured left shoulder!
BILL HEWSON: Lewis kicks out --- MARTYR'S CROSS!
JACK JONES: Lewis is screaming like a little girl and I love it.
BILL HEWSON: He is not! Astros wrenching the injured shoulder, can Lewis make the ropes?
Ryan inches for the ropes, but Donovan is nearly ripping his injured shoulder out of socket as he leans back. Ryan yells out in pain before hurriedly tapping on the canvas.
DING! DING! DING!
FRANK WARBURTON: Winner of the match and moving on to the Caliber Conference Finals to face Seamus O'Connor... your Heritage Champion.... Donovan Astros!
Donovan stands tall in the center of the ring, the Heritage Championship held high in the air as John Sharplin checks on The Kumquat Kid, who is clutching at his shoulder.
BILL HEWSON: For the second straight week, Donovan Astros has tapped out the Kumquat Kid. The 2010 Canada Cup is set --- in two weeks, it will be Donovan Astros meeting Seamus O'Connor to determine the Caliber Conference winner! Jeffrey Roberts and Steve Parker will square off to determine the Kryenik Conference winner! And then... those two winners will square off to determint the 2010 CANADA CUP CHAMPION! For Jack Jones, this is Bill Hewson saying GOODNIGHT!
Fade out on Astros holding the Heritage Title above his head.