"Guess who's back?"
The fans rise and roar...
Hit it.
"THEY SAY I'M COCKY!
AND I SAY WHAT?
IT AIN'T BRAGGIN' MOTHER(BLEEP) IF YA BACK IT UP!"
Kid Rock hits the speakers as the NAPW World Champion, 'The Show' Chad Kurtis, makes his way to the ring to a somewhat mixed, but still mostly favorable crowd.
BILL HEWSON: Welcome to the province's capital, Edmonton Alberta... welcome to NAPW on TFN! Bill Hewson alongside Jack "Attack" Jones thanking you for joining us and Jack, we're kicking this show off in a big way... the World Champion making his first appearance in almost a month!
JACK JONES: You mean his first appearance since he screwed Steve Parker out of the world title!
BILL HEWSON: Fans, you can watch all the highlights at NAPW-online.com... "The Show" Chad Kurtis certainly embroiled in controversy over recent weeks. Maybe the champ can clear some of that up right here, right now.
As the champion gets to the ring he pauses for a moment before doing his patented baseball slide into the ring.
"THE SHOW" CHAD KURTIS: Hello Edmonton!
'The Show' pauses to try and read the crowd which despite some doubters still seem to be mostly favorable to the show.
"THE SHOW" CHAD KURTIS: So what has been going on since I was put on the shelf thanks to none other the Steve Parker? That's right the company has been being ran by the love child of Doink the Clown and Pennywise... and he's been using The Freak Show as his muscle. And what is it? I believe I heard that a rumor that maybe I am part of group of sideshow freaks. Is that what I have heard?
Camera follows the champion eyes as he notices a kid in the crowd with his face painted with crown pant holding a sign that reads say it ain't so, Show, say it aint so.
"THE SHOW" CHAD KURTIS: I like that sign and it brings me to one of the reason I am out here tonight and that is... "DEMO-MAN, DEMO-MAN!
CALLIN' DEMO-MAN!"
The crowd pops again! But there's no glad-handing as Roddy Mac walks to the ring with a determined jut to his chin...
BILL HEWSON: Wait just a minute... Rodderick MacCulloch making his way to ringside!
JACK JONES: I don't think he's come for cornbread and grits, Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: Roddy Mac was distracted two weeks ago when, during his Canada Cup semi-final match against Jeffrey Roberts, Chad Kurtis' music played. That distraction cost him the win... let's see what Mac has to say.
RODDY MAC: Lemme just cut to the chase... Show, you can't bullshit a bullshitter! I am calling your bluff! Why didn't you first clear yourself after the first incident. No! You had to keep it under wraps until Parker started to yap last week!
The Show looks taken aback slightly by Roddy's verbal attack, but he fires back.
"THE SHOW" CHAD KURTIS: In case you didn't get the memo I have been out with an injury. Beside I just assumed the members of the Shownation knew the truth and frankly I didn't feel like I owed anything to anyone else.
RODDY MAC: Listen, tell it to someone who cares. Right now I am out here for one reason. You cost me my shot at the Canada Cup. Now it is time for me to take something from you! I want that belt and I want it next week. Next Tuesday night... right here in Edmonton, March 23rd, the very first NAPW on TFN 2-hour Special...Leave your clown posse at home and face me one... on... one.
"THE SHOW" CHAD KURTIS: My clown posse? What do I look like here Violent J or Shaggy 2 Dope? I think not! And as I was trying to explain before you interrupted I ain't no part of the side show festivities. Believe it or not! Now as far as costing you a shot at the Canada Cup you need to man up... and accept the fact that that loss? Was all you.
The crowd is tense as Roddy gets right in Chad's face.
RODDY MAC: You just shine that belt up and bring it to the ring. I will finish this with my fists. Till then I've got my eyes on you.
Chad does not back down from Rod.
"THE SHOW" CHAD KURTIS: Frankly Roddy Mac, I don't like your tone so if you want a shot at my world title you got it, right here next week same Show-time same Show-channel! And don't worry cause the circus ain't coming with me!
"Cocky" picks back up as Roddy Mac and Chad Kurtis stand nose-to-nose in the center of the ring. The crowd isn't sure what to make of all of this, seeing two favorites at odds like this...
JACK JONES: I'm not sure what's going on but did I hear right... did these two just set up a match for next week?
BILL HEWSON: I think you heard right, next week "The Show" Chad Kurtis defends the World Championship against Rodderick MacCulloch! Good grief, nothing has been settled... it may have gotten worse! Who do you believe? NAPW on TFN will return!
Commercial Break
Josh Reynolds backstage in front of the NAPW banner, microphone in hand.JOSH REYNOLDS: Ladies and gentlemen, last week the Canada Cup field was reduced to only four men left vying for one of the greatest honors in NAPW. Joining me right now is one of those men. He will be facing Steve Parker in the semi-finals... of course I'm talking about Jeffrey Roberts.
Jeffrey Roberts enters the scene, wearing a t-shirt that has a picture of the characters on the box of the classic Parker Brothers game, Life - with all their faces looking sad. A caption reads "One of the Parker Brothers stole my BABY!", much like Elaine's classic "A Dingo Ate Your Baby!!" line from Seinfeld, originally from the movie "A Cry In The Dark" This is a choose your own origin for pop culture reference piece. Roberts seems a little bit amused by it all.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Jeffrey Roberts, last week you were able to move on in the tournament by outsmarting Rodderick MacCulloch to some extend, as you introduced a spike to the match, proceeded to bloody MacCulloch, then get bloodied and be in just the right position as the referee turned around to disqualify your opponent. This week however, you will be facing one of the fastest rising stars in NAPW in Steve Parker for a right to be in the Canada Cup Finals. How will your strategy change?
JEFFREY ROBERTS: First of all - outsmarting Rodderick MacCulloch is no easy task, so I'd like a little bit more credit for that. The man is a MENSA member, a graduate of Yale and captain of his debate team at St. Thomas Parochial School in Boston. So please, don't gloss over that little tidbit.
JOSH REYNOLDS: (confused) I don't think he did any of that.
JEFFREY ROBERTS: No? (Roberts shrugs) Oh well. In any case, MacCulloch got what he had coming to him. He's a little bit too bi-polar for my taste, and if you can't keep an even keel in this business instead of one day being ready to lead us all to glory and the next questioning your own manhood, maybe you should run off to Kumquat land with Ryan Lewis. As for Steve Parker, I've been a little mixed up about the guy all week long.
JOSH REYNOLDS: How so?
JEFFREY ROBERTS: I started off a big fan. He was playing mind games with Chad Kurtis, acting a little bit like a lunatic, both things that ingratiated him to me. But I started hearing some disturbing rumors - and as evidence by my shirt here, I've chosen to speak up for those who can't speak up for themselves. Josh, I will right these wrongs and stand up for justice and freedom - two things Steve Parker CLAIMS to stand for. But obviously, he's a fraud.
Roberts walks off.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Jeffrey Roberts, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, the finals for the Canada Cup will conclude NEXT WEEK!! And will be a matchup between either Lloyd Rees or Donovan Astros... and either Steve Parker... or this man, Jeffrey Roberts. Back to you, Bill and Jack.
BILL HEWSON: Thanks Josh... Jeffrey Roberts might be certifiable...
JACK JONES: Prejudice is an ugly thing, Bill.
BILL HEWSON: Will you be serious?
"And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more!
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more!"
The crowd pops huge for the Dropkick Murphys and the man who steps through the curtain... and he's not alone! Lloyd Rees is wearing a new t-shirt that shows 11 tally marks on the front... with "AND COUNTING" on the back.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is set for one fall at a 15 minute time limit and is for the NAPW CANADIAN HERITAGE CHAMPIONSHIP! Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by BAYMAN JAKEY, he weighs in tonight at two-hundred and forty-three pounds. From Wabana Bell Island Newfoundland, he is "DA TECHNICAL TERROR" LLOYD REES!
BILL HEWSON: What an ovation for the most-decorated wrestler in NAPW history! It's been a tough few months for Lloyd Rees, but he's proven once again that you can't keep a good Newfie down. Rees is on fire as of late, and could very well walk out of here tonight with NAPW gold around his waist once again.
JACK JONES: That's IF Rees can focus on this match. He's probably thinking about Zouave and the beating he received last week after the Sideshow Battle Royale!
BILL HEWSON: We haven't seen Bayman Jakey in a long time, himself a former NAPW TV Champion... and he's out here tonight to watch Lloyd's back in case any of the clowns in the back want to try anything.
"ALL EYES ON ME!"
Another eruption as the champ comes out wearing his own new t-shirt that reads --- what else? --- "ALL EYES ON ME." The Heritage Champion makes his way to the ring with a confidence bordering on cockiness, gold title belt around his waist.
FRANK WARBURTON: Weighing in tonight at two-hundred and forty-three pounds... from Los Angeles California, he is the CANADIAN HERITAGE CHAMPION... DONOVAN ASTROS!
BILL HEWSON: Speaking of looking 'past' this match, Donovan Astros has to put the Canada Cup finals out of his head and focus here tonight. Drop some science on us, Jack Attack.
JACK JONES: You are looking at two of the best technical wrestlers NAPW has ever seen, two decorated, crafty veterans, two men still in their prime. They're evenly matched, similiar physical specimens, it doesn't get much closer than this! This one may come down to the first mistake being the one that costs somebody the match.
BILL HEWSON: Referee Danny Chaos, who made a great showing last week in the Battle Royale, is in charge of this one... and here we go! Heritage title on the line!
Rees and Astros, collar-and-elbow tie up, jockeying for position. Neither man seemingly able to gain an advantage but the lock-up is STIFF. They go around the ring and then break abruptly, each man refocusing. Another lock-up, Astros with the wrist-lock REVERSED REVERSED AGAIN hammerlock, Astros holds Rees, Rees reaches down and rolls forward, what in the STEPPING THROUGH FOR THE LANCE COVE LEGLOCK Astros quickly reverses into a ROLL-UP ONE TWO Rees rolls over and has Astros ONE TWO Rees looking for the armbar Astros reverses MARTYR'S CROSS Rees doesn't give him the other arm counters around CONCEPTION BAY CHINLOCK Astros quickly toes the bottom rope! Chaos calls for the break and the two separate, the crowd cheering the awesome display of reversals!
BILL HEWSON: This one may go the limit, fans... we have to take a commercial break! NAPW on TFN will be right back!
Commercial Break
NAPW fades back in with the champion delivering his patented Butterfly Suplex to the challenger! Astros right on top of the Rees with a big elbow drop and cover which gets two, Chaos' count right on the money. Bayman Jakey pounds the apron on the outside, trying to encourage Rees.BILL HEWSON: Welcome back fans. During the break, we saw Lloyd Rees go high-risk and it didn't pay off...
DURING THE BREAK split-screen replay!
Astros sent to the outside. Eats a baseball slide. Rees slings himself over the top rope for a bodypress only for Astros to bail out of the way, Rees hitting hard concrete to the oohs of the crowd. Back to the match.
BILL HEWSON: And the champion took advantage. Big suplex by Astros there, another cover gets two.
JACK JONES: That's so smart of the champion, Hewson, going for the cover after every impact. Rees doesn't get even a second to recover himself, and he's using up that energy to kick-out.
BILL HEWSON: But the difference between a two-count and a three-count can be an eternity, Jack Attack. Astros whips Rees into the corner, good grief what a clothesline!
Astros hits the second turnbuckle and drives the elbow across Rees' head. Cover, two count. Astros brings Rees arms behind him and shoves the knee between his shoulder blades in a surfboard stretch.
JACK JONES: All damage to the shoulders and upper torso of Rees, and what does that lead to?
BILL HEWSON: The Martyr's Cross, absolutely. Neither of these men have made a career out of tapping out, but Rees has to mount some offense!
Rees kicks the mat with his heel, trying to dig deep for a rallying point. The crowd is split, but they start clapping and trying to encourage Rees. Lloyd's mouth is wide open as he yells loud newfese, Jakey pounding the canvas in rhythm! Rees starts to get to his feet, Astros trying to keep the hold... Rees to his feet! Turns one way, Astros has him, SPINS THE OTHER WAY! REES BEHIND ASTROS BACK SUPLEX! Drops Astros right on his neck! A roaring Rees makes a fist, hits the ropes and delivers a swinging neckbreaker right to a rising Astros! He hooks his man to the feet and delivers... BRAINBUSTER! Rees reaches back and hooks the leg one, two, the champion kicks out!
Now Rees takes control, and he quickly snap suplexes Astros down hard. The champion takes his feet and Rees blisters his chest with a knife-edge chop. WHOOOOO. Another one has the champ stunned and Rees sends him to the ropes CLOTHESLINE! Rees damn near taking Astros' head off, and now he calls for it. DDT FROM THE GREEN --- Astros spins around and toe-kicks Rees! ASTROLABE Rees keeps his feet and doesn't go down NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX! ONE! TWO! ASTROS KICKS OUT! Both men up, they each hit the ropes and ---
DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! REES AND ASTROS GO DOWN!
BILL HEWSON: Tremendous impact, good grief, both men are down on the mat! Referee making the count, they have until ten to take their feet!
JACK JONES: You know, Astros could just stay down... he can't lose the title on a count-out!
BILL HEWSON: The champion's advantage, Jack Attack, but while Astros of several years ago may have taken the easy way out, the self-proclaimed "Face of NAPW on TFN" is bent on proving that he is the top dog in NAPW today! Astros wants to WIN this match!
Danny Chaos counts ONE... TWO...THREE... both men sucking wind, trying to get their breath back. FOUR... FIVE... SIX... Astros and Rees each trying to take their feet... SEVEN... EIGHT... and they're up! Chaos waves off the count! The combatants come back to center ring and REES WITH A KNIFE-EDGE CHOP THAT ALMOST KNOCKS THE CHAMP DOWN! Astros turns around however and delivers a VICIOUS FOREARM TO THE SIDE OF THE HEAD THAT RATTLES REES! Rees stumbles back, but CHOP! FOREARM! CHOP! FOREARM! CHOP! FOREARM! AND EACH MAN ENDS UP IN THE ROPES, ACROSS THE RING FROM ONE ANOTHER! The crowd is buzzing as each man somehow finds yet another gear ASTROS EXPLODES AND CATCHES REES WITH A BOOT THAT SENDS HIM TUMBLING THROUGH THE ROPES! Rees on the apron, gets up, Astros yanks him through
CONCUSSION CANNON!
ONE! TWO! THKICK-OUT!
Astros almost can't believe it, but doesn't waste time arguing with Danny Chaos. He picks Rees up, going for the SLINGSHOT EFFECT! Rees blocks leg-to-leg! Astros tries again, blocked again, Rees taking shots to the gut of Astros. He gets the man off, but Rees fires another forearm shot --- Rees ducks it CODEBREAKER! WHERE DID HE BUST THAT OUT FROM
ONE! TWO! THKICK-OUT!
REES SLAPS ON THE LANCE COVE LEGLOCK! Astros tries to resist, but Rees turns it over! LOCKED ON! Astros reaches out and yells in pain!
BILL HEWSON: Rees has the champion in danger of submitting right here, we could very sell see a new Heritage Champion!
JACK JONES: Listen to the humanoids, they don't even know WHAT they want!
Half the crowd is chanting "TAP TAP TAP!" the other half chanting "PLEASE DON'T TAP, PLEASE DON'T TAP!" Rees wrenches on the hold, his hands locked tightly around Astros' pretzeled legs! Biting his knuckles, Astros tries to reach out, tries to crawl, but Rees has the ring positioning in his favor. Astros has so far to go... he looks to tap out...
HOLDS THE HAND UP HIGH...
NO. Astros won't go out just yet! He pushes up on the canvas, trying to alter the load. Rees has to stand up some, Astros pushes up again... and tucks himself through in one sudden movement INSIDE CRADLE ONE TWO THKICK-OUT! The crowd goes crazy! Astros grimacing from the pain in his back, Rees comes in for the kill. He pulls Astros up for a German Suplex blocked Astros counters and rolls through, can't hold the pinfall, both men up TOEKICK TO REES ASTROLABE DDT!
Astros throws an arm across Rees, ONE, TWO, TH
SHOULDER UP! Bayman Jakey claps for his good b'ye!
BILL HEWSON: One helluva match we are witnessing here tonight between two of the best! Lloyd Rees won't stay down.
JACK JONES: Rees can become a five-time Heritage Champion winning here tonight. Of course, Astros can continue to be undefeated in 2010 if he wins... heading into the Canada Cup finals!
BILL HEWSON: So much on the line, what's it going to take?
Astros takes a moment to figure out his next move. The crowd? THEY HAVEN'T SAT DOWN. Donovan pulls Rees to his feet --- suddenly gets rocked by a European Uppercut! Rees turns around and holds the neck, looking for the ROVER RINGER! Runs up the turnbuckle, but Astros reaches out and holds onto the top rope. Rees lands on his feet, Astros spins, kickwham... Rees sets Astros up for the MINER DRIVER! Connects! An exhausted Rees covers!
ONE! TWO!
FOOT ON THE ROPE!
JACK JONES: Donovan Astros ALWAYS knows where he is in the ring!
BILL HEWSON: A couple feet out and that could have been all. What's Rees going to try now?
Rees picks Astros up and lights him up with a couple chops in the corner, then picks the champion up and perches him on the turnbuckle! Rees goes up, he's going for the WABANA BUSTER! Astros fights, shots to the ribs. He stands up on the top turnbuckle, what's HE going for? Maybe a DDT from the top, but now Rees fights back! Rees stands on the very top as the well, the crowd gasping...
TOP-ROPE SUPERPLEX! BOTH MEN HIT THE CANVAS HARD!
BILL HEWSON: GOOD GRAVY! From twelve feet up crashing down to the canvas! Referee Danny Chaos makes the count again, how do these men keep going?
JACK JONES: Because that's what champions are made of!
Bayman Jakey yells from the outside "C'MON B'YE, YA GODDIM ME TROUT!" He claps, trying to rally Rees as both challenger and champion lay gasping for air. Rees reaches out for the ropes, struggling valiantly to pull himself up as the crowd chants for both men. Jakey is so intent on watching the match and encouraging Rees
That he fails to notice JUSTIN CASE run down the aisle.
BILL HEWSON: What's he doing here --- OH MY GOD JUSTIN CASE JUST NAILED BAYMAN JAKEY! WHAT IN THE HELL?
Case stomping away on Bayman Jakey after blasting him from behind. WHAM. Jakey rammed into the steel ring steps, dislodging them. Case... Justin Case grabs half of the steps and raises it on his shoulder.
Rees suddenly realizes what's going on. Case makes sure he has Rees' attention and ---
RAMS THE STAIR PIECE INTO JAKEY'S FACE.
Chaos is telling Case to get the hell out of here as Rees steps halfway through the ropes. Case slams the stairs down with a loud crash, grinning, walking backwards. Rees is spitting furious as Bayman Jakey bleeds on the concrete!
Almost forgotten in the calamity is the Heritage Champion, who has regained his feet. He has a good idea of what's going on, but he also realizes...
Lloyd Rees turns around!
TOO LATE!
Astros with a boot to the gut, slings Rees' arm over his shoulder and delivers the SLINGSHOT EFFECT!
ONE! TWO! THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner... and STILL Heritage Champion, DONOVAN ASTROS!
Rees rolls out of the ring, dazed but kneeling beside Jakey, who has been busted wide open. Danny Chaos raises the champ's arm and gives him the belt, but then bolts to the outside standing between the Newfies and a cocky Justin Case. Chaos gives the newcomer the stinkeye as Astros shoulders his belt in the ring, shrugging.
BILL HEWSON: Dammit! That's not the way this match should have ended!
JACK JONES: You can't blame Donovan Astros, he just took advantage of the opportunity.
BILL HEWSON: Justin Case... with a brutal, heinous assault on Lloyd Rees' good friend Bayman Jakey, all for what? Because Rees eliminated Case from the battle royale last week? We'll try to get this mess in the ring sorted out. Standing by is our own Josh Reynolds. Josh?
Backstage, in front of an NAPW backdrop, Josh Reynolds is standing by with the highly touted "Beautiful" Bobby Crane, who wears a deep red robe with silver sparkles, and sunglasses. His long, flowing blonde hair is perfectly combed, not one hair out of place. He looks at himself in a handheld mirror as Josh Reynolds attempts to interview him.
JOSH REYNOLDS: Thanks, Bill. I'm here with "Beautiful" Bobby Crane who last week was just inches away from winning the sideshow battle royal. Mr. Crane, how disappointed were you with the end result of that match?
Bobby Crane freezes, and slowly lowers his mirror, his eyes peeking out above it at Josh Reynolds. Finally, he lowers it all the way and grabs the mic out of Reynolds' hand.
BOBBY CRANE: Disappointed? Disappointed?! What match were you watching, Reynolds? Clearly, I tossed Lloyd Rees over the top rope. Everyone knows both his disgusting, toe jam infested feet touched the floor. But I digress, even though I was the clear winner, I will let Lloyd Rees have his moment. Bobby Crane is a charitable man, and I can see the Coughdrop Kid doesn't have much going for him in life, so take what you can get, Lloyd. But why don't we talk about that big goof, Bruce Richards? Did you see me toss his stupid hick ass over the top rope? I eliminated Alberta's favorite son, I eliminated this Ring of Prestige member that NAPW thinks so highly of. And it wasn't even hard! If I can dispose of Brucie that easily, imagine what I'll do to...
VOICE: THERE you are. I've been looking ALL over for you.
Bruce Richards arrives on the scene and steps up to Bobby Crane. He looks...shall we say, more perturbed than he has in the past. Crane immediately shuts up.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Those were some strong words, Crane. Now, normally words just roll off my back. But after last week, you taking me out like that. When I was distracted by that--well, when I was distracted. That made me feel...something I haven't felt in a while now. And I know that lately I've been on the wrong end of a lot of fights. But I'm looking to break that trend. And who better to snap a losing streak with than the latest rising star in the NAPW? The man who eliminated me from that gong show of a match? The man who apparently needs a harsh lesson about what it means to wrestle here?
BOBBY CRANE: I have no reason to face you, Richards...none! I'm done with you!
Bruce smiles, but his eyes don't change. They're still burning. He takes one step closer to Bobby Crane and lowers his voice a little.
BRUCE RICHARDS: What's the matter, Bobby? Afraid of messing up that pretty face of yours? Or maybe...you're scared of something else?
BOBBY CRANE: NO! NO! SHUT UP! You want your match?
Bobby Crane hesitates, and against his better judgment...
BOBBY CRANE: YOU GOT IT!
Bruce Richards cocks his fist, feigning an attack. Crane drops backwards onto the floor to avoid the punch. Richards drops his hand limply and just laughs at him as Crane scurries away down the corridor.
Commercial Break
JACK JONES: ...And I lost all my money.BILL HEWSON: You bet on the Detroit Lions to win the Superbowl, Jack! How could you be so stupid?
JACK JONES: Did I MENTION the payout if they won? GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!
BILL HEWSON: Somehow I always got the idea you were GOOD at gambling. But then again...
JACK JONES: I am TOO good at gambling --- hey, what's Malone doing out here?
"Bad Boy" Joey Malone is making his way to the ring, sans music, looking dishevelled and nervous.
BILL HEWSON: Say, I don't know, but Joey looks like he hasn't slept in days!
Joey asks for a microphone, almost frantic.
"BAD BOY" JOEY MALONE: I-I... Y-you gotta help me! Somebody has to h-help me! I-I...
BILL HEWSON: Calm down, Joey, what's the matter?
Joey looks down at Bill and takes a couple deep breaths.
"BAD BOY" JOEY MALONE: I found something out, something that's horrifying! I... I know something that he doesn't want anybody to know! I --- HE needs help!
JACK JONES: Spit it out already, kid!
"BAD BOY" JOEY MALONE: You see...
A slow but loud carousel melody issues forth from the PA. From the curtain, to a chorus of boos, come two jugglers... the bearded lady... and then.
NAPW Tag Team Champions THE FREAK SHOW.
Just behind them come two circus strongman carrying what looks like... a giant toybox? And seated on top of the toybox is the mysterious ZOUAVE. Joey looks panic-stricken as the curious crew surround ringside. The Freak Show enter the ring, the massive Shut Down towering over the jittery Malone. Zouave steps gracefully from the toy box to the canvas and into the ring. He removes the microphone from Joey.
ZOUAVE: Joey, Joey, Joeeeeeeeeey.
Boooooooo. The crowd are NOT fans of this man.
ZOUAVE: Joooooooooooo... eeeeeeeeeeeeee. Now you wouldn't want to spoil the fun, now would you? It's not TY-IME yet for THAT particular surprise, my friend. Now Joey, why are you shaking? Are you a-scared?
Joey clenches his teeth, trying to stand his ground. Zouave tilts his head and gets only inches from Joey's face.
ZOUAVE: Are you a-scared of little old me? Joeyjoeyjoey, you don't need to be scared of me. I only want to give these fans (booooo) the GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH! Now, you wouldn't want to deprive the faaaaans of their entertainment? No no no, of course you wouldn't. But Joey, you make me sad.
Zouave puts his hands on his hips and feigns a tear in his eye, a sad clown frown on his painted face.
ZOUAVE: Is there anything worse than a sad, sad clown? Shut Down? Freak? Oh, are the Tag Team Champions intimidating you? But... I thought you were the BAD BOY, Joey. Are you a BAD BOY, Joey?
Joey suddenly gets fired up and grabs the microphone back.
"BAD BOY" JOEY MALONE: Y-YES! I'm the "BAD BOY" JOEY MALONE, and you're just... some sick freak! An' I know --- I know ---
Shut Down moves directly behind Joey, casting a shadow on the smaller WGA leader. Joey trails off. Zouave regains the microphone.
His smile vanishes. His voice like steel.
ZOUAVE: You are a BAD BOY, Joey Malone. And bad boys... must be punished. GENTLEMEN... put him in... THE BOX.
Shut Down's powerful hands clutch around Joey's shoulders like a vise. He picks Joey up, and the strong men raise the lid of the giant toy box. Joey suddenly starts yelling! "NO! NO! NOT IN THE BOX! YOU CAN'T!" The Freak sticks a sock in Joey's mouth and Shut Down drops Joey in. The lid is closed, and Zouave steps back out and balances acrobatically. The strong men raise the box up again as Joey's muffled screams aren't entirely drowned out.
ZOUAVE: Well, that was FUN. Now, let me introduce to you the NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS of the whole hy-UGE world... THE FREAK SHOW! The show is allllll yours, my delicious friends! Au revoir, mes amis!
Zouave hands the mic to The Freak, and the entourage leaves ringside, Joey Malone trapped inside the box. The crowd is entirely uncomfortable. Freak Show stay in the ring as Zouave & co disappear through the curtain. The Freak pulls out a sock puppet with yellow hair drawn on it.
THE FREAK: HEY SHUT DOWN I'M SEAMUS! OR AM I SEAN? OH IT DOESN'T MATTER EITHER WAY I'M A (BLEEP) AND I DON'T WANT TO SET FOOT IN THE C-C-CARNIVAL OF CARNAGE! WHAT DO YOU THINK, SHUT DOWN?
Shut Down stares, then RIPS the sock puppet off of The Freak's hand. He tosses it into the crowd with utter disdain.
SHUT DOWN: I think... I don't want to wait another second to squash the O'Connor Boys like the bugs that they are. SEAN... SEAMUS. Bring those Celtic (BLEEP) of yours down here.
JACK JONES: Ah, that reminds me of the St. Patrick's Day in the States when I met the girl with the red hair and the carpet to match.
BILL HEWSON: What the...
Flogging Molly kicks up, but Seamus and Sean waste no time running to the ringside.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following match is a Carnival of Carnage and is for the NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! First, at a combined weight of three hundred pounds, Sean and Seamus the O'CONNOR BOYS! And their opponents, they are the NAPW Tag Team Champions THE FREAK and SHUT DOWN... THE FREAK SHOW! Referee John Sharplin is waiting for the O'Connor Boys outside, and asks who is being cuffed to start the contest. On the other side, referee Anthony Uruburu has handcuffed The Freak to the outside ringpost. Sean pushes Seamus out of the way, going into the ring and going straight for Shut Down! Sharplin cuffs Seamus and the match is on! Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Left, throw in an up and down along with a B, A start and we have an old fashioned Contra Knocker.
BILL HEWSON: Sean O'Connor must use his speed on the massive Shut Down! Fans, the Carnival of Carnage match is a two of three falls affair. The first man to score a fall here also unlocks his partner, first team to two falls takes it all! And it's no DQ, no count-out!
Sean is all over Shut Down like white on rice. Shut Down is rocked. Sean takes advantage of the situation and runs towards the ropes. Sean is picking up some speed and flies through the air with a cross body block. Shut Down catches Sean in mid air. He flashes a quick smile and falls flat on the mat.
...ONE ...TWO ...THREE.
The ref calls for Seamus to be released.
BILL HEWSON: Did you see that? I believe he threw the first fall.
JACK JONES: They are masterminds. They have a plan. Just like the time...
BILL HEWSON: Save it! We are getting word something is happening backstage. Oh my god! That is Bruce Richards and Bobby Crane going at it.
Cut backstage --- BOBBY CRANE is savagely assaulting Bruce Richards! Richards is looking up from the cold concrete floor when SMASH! Crane smashes his hand-held mirror over Bruce's face. Shards of glass are all over the floor and in Richards hair. Richards is starting to bleed. Bruce goes to hit Richards again but Security makes the save. Crane is yelling violent epithets as Bruce bleeds on the locker room floor.
BILL HEWSON: My God! Bruce Richards has just been assaulted by Bobby Crane. Wait a minute, I am being told we have to take a commercial break... the tag title match continues when we return... somebody get some help for Bruce Richards back there!
Commercial Break
BILL HEWSON: We are back from break as the tag title match continues. I can't even believe the cowardly actions of Bobby Crane, jumping Bruce Richards from behind backstage! This show has been --- What is going on around here?JACK JONES: It's called MAYHEM and EXCITEMENT! Try getting a little in your life instead of playing scrabble with your mother.
BILL HEWSON: During the commercial break, it's been a handicap match... but in reverse! Shut Down, he who outweights the combined O'Connors, has been a wrecking machine! He may not need The Freak to even come in this one! Take a look at this!
DURING THE BREAK SPLIT-SCREEN:
SHUT DOWN GORILLA PRESSES SEAMUS O'CONNOR LIKE A LAWN DART INTO THE THIRD ROW.
BILL HEWSON: Just unbelievable power from Shut Down, and Sean O'Connor may not have much left in the tank going it alone!
Sean is still in the ring. He is looking a little fatigued... Shut Down has countered everything Sean is throwing at him. Sean goes for a standing dropkick but Shut Down just brushes him away. Sean is slow to get up. Shut Down whips Sean to the corner. HUGE CORNER SPLASH. Sean is putty. Seamus is clawing his way back to the ring, still on the floor! Shut Down easily hoists Sean up to his shoulders...
SHAKE MACHINE!
The ring shakes alright! Shut Down puts one foot on Sean's chest. Seamus desperately tries to make the ring, but it's ONE, TWO, THREE.
BILL HEWSON: Shut Down scores the fall, evening it up... and here comes The Freak!
The Freak is unleashed and he is not happy. The fresh man is just leveling Sean and Seamus with rights and lefts. Shut Down rolls out of the ring to catch his wind. The Freak now sets up Sean for a Roundhouse Buzzsaw Kick. THUD! Seamus is up and he is holding a pair of brass knuckles from his trunks. CLUNK! Shut Down with a steel chair to the back of Seamus. THUD! Shut Down didn't pay attention to Sean who was running directly at him. Sean nails Shut Down with a kick that knocks the chair into the cranium of Shut Down. Sean is now getting the crowd fired up. He climbs to the top rope and THREE60 Degree Splash onto the steel chair laying on top of Shut Down. The Freak is stirring and slowly gets up with Seamus. The two are exchanging blow after blow. Sean enters the fray. Irish Whip across the ring. The Freak comes off the rope into a hurricanrana by Seamus. Both Sean and Seamus have the crowd fired up. Sean and Seamus go outside to see what other weapons they can use. Shut Down and The Freak roll outside and grab weapons too.
JACK JONES: WAIT... They all have KENDO STICKS?
All four slowly enter the ring. STAR WARS! Shut Down and Sean start fighting as The Freak and Seamus wield their sticks. What's this? The Freak Show abandon their sticks. Sean and Seamus shrug and just wind up. CRRRRRACK! The Freak Show ducked at the same time letting Sean and Seamus hit each other. The Freak and Shut Down go for the cover.
...ONE...TWO...TWO ANNA HALF...
Sean and Seamus double kickout! The Freak and Shut Down are none too pleased. The Freak and Shut Down decide to take out one at a time, booting Seamus out of the ring. They bring Sean up. Shut down runs across the ring. He starts picking up steam. Running Big Boot to the face. The Freak quickly sets Sean up in a triangle hold. Shut Down just stares down at Sean and laughs. Shut Down turns around and grabs the barbed wire baseball bat. Shut Down starts grinding on Sean. The blood starts to pool on the pores then a stream starts to gush down his face. The crowd gasps.
SEAMUS WITH A CHAIR! He blasts The Freak, knocking him to the outside and freeing his blood(y) brother! SHOT TO SHUT DOWN... Shut Down is still up! WHAM! Still up! Seamus rolls out of the ring and picks up another chair from ringside. Seamus throws the first chair in as he rolls under the bottom rope. A crimson Sean picks up the other chair. Shut Down slowly gets up. Sean with a swing. BLOCKED! Kick to the gut. Seamus on the follow up. WHIFF! Shut Down goes to grab the chair from Seamus. JAB! Sean jabs the chair into Shut Down's ribs. Shut Down doubles over in pain. CLINK, CLINK, CLINK, Seamus and Sean clash the chairs together.
CON-CHAIR-TO!
And finally, Shut Down falls... chest first onto the bottom rope, in perfect position for the
BUSHMILLS DRILL!!!! The fans are going nuts. Shut Down prone on the canvas! The other O'Connor on the top rope!
IRISH INSIGNIA!
Seamus with the cover.
...ONE
...TWO
...THREE
THE FREAK WITH THE RING BELL TO SEAMUS!
JACK JONES: WHAT THE HELL, USE A BELL!
BILL HEWSON: The O'Connor Boys ACTUALLY TOOK SHUT DOWN OFF HIS FEET, but The Freak just saved the match AND the titles!
Shut Down is, well, down, but suddenly Sean O'Connor starts an unrelenting attack upon The Freak. Palm thrust, thigh kick, chop to the throat. Seamus is now up and rocks the freak with a flurry of kicks. Sean grabs The Freak and puts him in a bearhug.
BILL HEWSON: No! They can't be going for the Irish Car Bomb!
JACK JONES: I've had it up to HERE with all these Catholic/Protestant brawls on my lawn! I mean in Ireland! And --- who the heck are THESE guys?
As soon as the words leave Jack's mouth two guys jump over the rail. One has a headband with "GRAVY" written on it and the other is wearing a wife-beater with "BYW" written on it. They hit the ring wielding a florescent light bulb and an 80's style boom box. Sean gets whacked in the back with the light bulb causing him to bleed like a stuffed pig! He drops the Freak on the mat as he falls down. Seamus runs into a face full of boom box. "Gravy" hits a sloppy but dangerous looking DDT on Sean knocking him out cold. "BYW" hits a bulldog onto a chair! He throws the ring bell onto Seamus just for good measure. Here comes the security guards. The fat bouncing security crew can't rush out fast enough! These two guys get out and escape through the crowd.
BILL HEWSON: Who the hell were THOSE guys?
JACK JONES: I don't know, but our security team reallllly needs to cut back on the TimBits. These guys are LONG GONE!
The Freak doesn't know what just happened but he looks over at Sean who is out. The Freak with the cover?
...ONE
...TWO
BILL HEWSON: Not like this!
...THREE
FRANK WARBURTON: Here are your winners, and STILL NAPW Tag Team Champions... THE FREAK SHOW!
Fans start to litter the ring with all sorts of trash. The Freak grabs a cup and puts it on as a party hat as Shut Down excitedly grabs the belts. The Freaks raise the belts up as the O'Connors are still lying motionless in the ring. Boooooos rain down.
BILL HEWSON: The Freak Show retain the NAPW tag team titles... with help from... I have no idea! We're outta time, next week it's our 2-hour special on Fight --- what in the hell is going ON around here?
Lights down.