Dark Match Results
*"The Falcon" Jacon Venar preyed upon Jamie Murray with a decisive victory --- picking up the win in just forty-two seconds! Venar struck before the bell, nailing Murray with a running enziguri as the Brit stepped through the ropes. Vicious forearms led to a spear that left Murray prone for Venar to hit his Spread My Wings swanton... but that wasn't enough for The Falcon, as he locked on the Bermuda Triangle to earn a dominant submission victory.*For the second week in a row, Jay O'Brien took on one of NAPW's monsters --- this time one his former partner and the man who attacked him last week, Kenny Krenshov. O'Brien attempted to cut the legs out from Krenshov, but the strength of the colossal crusher looked to be too much... but Kenny's arrogance and taste for destruction proved to be his undoing! With O'Brien wilting under his assault, Kenny pulled up what looked to be a sure three-count. But "The Last Word" caught Kenny with a surprise inside cradle and scored a three-count! A furious Krenshov then did lay out O'Brien with the Total Eclipse... but turned around into Jake Phoenix, who managed to get the 350-pound Krenshov up for a thunderous chokeslam!
A video package recapping the events of the past few weeks playing, highlighting Jeffrey Roberts winning the NAPW World Title; the shocking return of Roddy Mac in that same match; New & Improved D-X in a classic with the O'Connor Boys; and the wild double disqualification brawl that was the previous attempt at a Tag Team Title match between The Freak Show and Sexy Adorable Drunks.
Cut to 'live' footage inside the venue. Once again Calgary, at an unnamed location, the NAPW ring is located inside a large, colorful circus tent. The pre-show entertainment? A lion tamer, followed by the most terrifying thing of alll --- a dozen clowns packed into an old Volkswagon. The NAPW faithful who are in attendance still seem put off by the venue location, though some certainly have enjoyed the circus atmosphere.
They're further put out when an exceptionally fat, sweaty man with a receding hairline and wearing an ill-fitting suit grabs the main ring microphone. A trinkling of boos leaks out; the fans aren't ... uh, 'fans' of dear Frank Warburton's 'replacement.'
TRENTON OSWALD: CALGARRRRY --- COWTOWNNNN --- STAMPEDE CIIIIIITTY! CAN YOU BELIEEEEEVE THAT NAPW HAS COME HERE --- THAT NEW ALBERTA PRO WRESTLING --- IS ONCE AGAIN BRINGING YOU THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARRRRRRRRTH?!
A smattering of cheers, muted by jeers and indifference. Oswald presses on as if the fans are in the palm of his hand.
Cut to the announce table, where three men turn their attention to the camera. A respectable looking gent in his mid-fifties, a slightly sleazy 40-something. In stark contrast, feet up on the announce table to the thinly veiled irritation of the other two, is an unshaven young man in a leather jacket, wearing his sunglasses inside.
LIAM SHEPHERD: What an f'n amazing introduction! Now that's what we're talking about, not like that stuffed shirt Frank Warburton. Gawd he put me to sleep. Now THIS is energetic!
BILL HEWSON: You were going to introduce the show, Shepherd?
LIAM SHEPHERD: So much formula with you! Welcome wrestling fans to the Greatest Show on Earth, that's the NAPW. I'm Liam Shepherd rockin' up on the Fight Network beside these two bozos, Bob Human and Jerk Jones!
JACK JONES: That's Jerk ATTACK Jones --- I mean JACK Attack!
BILL HEWSON: Bill Hewson here, and we are set for another tremendous night of pro wrestling action right from Calgary Alberta, the home of the late, great Stampede Wrestling --- the pinnacle of this sport in our great nation!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Seriously, did you just say that? What are you doing here anyways, I thought you walked out two weeks ago.
BILL HEWSON: I had time to think about my decision --- and a conversation with our COMMISSIONER, Terry Brandon. The Canadian Heritage Title will be on the line tonight, and in our main event, it will be a SUPERFREAK STREET FIGHT between champions THE FREAK SHOW and challengers SEXY ADORABLE DRUNKS --- set your PVRs for that one, right Jack?
JACK JONES: Vegas odds call for BLOOD! The odds aren't so good on guts, but with THOSE two teams you never know!
BILL HEWSON: Let's head to the ring for our first match, between two of the great teams in our red hot tag team division! Take it away... sigh... Trenton Oswald.
TRENTON OSWALD: Annnnnd our first match is scheduled for... ONNNNNE AND ONLY ONE FALL!
The low, sombre guitar tones of the intro to Creed's "GOOD FIGHT" do nothing to fool the audience into expecting anything other than a high-octane affair, as the O'Connor Boys, Sean and Seamus, walk out to an extremely positive reception.
TRENTON OSWALD: Introducing first! Coming all the way from from Boston, Massachussets, the territory known as NEWWWW ENGLANNNNNNNNND... they weigh in at a combined weight of 300 pounds! TWO-TIIIIIIIIIIME NAPW TAG TEEEEEEEEEAAAAM CHAMPEEEEEEEEENS --- SEAN! SEAMUS! SEANnSEAMUS THE O'CONNOR --- BOYYYYYYYYSSSSSSS!
LIAM SHEPHERD: I love these guys!
BILL HEWSON: Wait, did I hear that right? You're a fan of the O'Connor Boys?
LIAM SHEPHERD: Sure! I never get tired of seeing these faux-Irish midgets getting beaten from pillar to post.
JACK JONES: You know what, Liam, I couldn't agree more!
BILL HEWSON: You agree that they're 'faux-Irish'?
LIAM SHEPHERD: Err, were you paying attention just now, Hewson? If you'd give our esteemed announcer just a LITTLE credit, you'd have noticed they're from Boston, Mass.
JACK JONES: Hey! That's not in Ireland!
BILL HEWSON: Good grief... You ever heard the word heritage? Ah, never mind.
Two beats of the drum. That's all the intro you get to the pulsating hard rock of Spineshank's "Synthetic" that heralds the entrance of their opponents:
TRENTON OSWALD: AND THEIR OUTRAGEOUS OPPOSITION! At a total that's right TOTAL combined weight of four-hundred... and EIGHTY AND FIVE pounds... XAVIER STONNNNNE! DORIAN VAAAAAAAAADE! D-D-D-DAMAGE INC!
Big pop for Damage Inc, it seems the fans have split loyalties in this one.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Hey, Hewson... why does Warburton always announce these guys as 485?
BILL HEWSON: Because that's how much they weigh?
LIAM SHEPHERD: But according to my notes, Stone is 220, Vade is 245. And I'm no mathematician, but isn't that 465?
JACK JONES: Perhaps they're including their many tag titles in that weight? Twenty pounds of gold, that's a lot of winnings!
The match is underway with the powerhouse Dorian Vade matching off with Sean O'Connor as Uruburu calls for the opening bell. Sean seems keen to use his speed early, charging Vade, ducking a clothesline, off the ropes, BIG spinning headscissors takeover! Vade slides right to his feet though, and Sean meets him on the ropes with a clothesline --- no, BOOT to the face plants him first! Vade picks Sean up like a two-pound ham, spins round, takes his back, and GERMAN SUPLEX!
One,
Kickout!
BILL HEWSON: Scintillating start here, Sean using his distinct speed advantage Vade, though, showing the power!
LIAM SHEPHERD: All that power, only a one count, you know what, if he took some notes from Shutdown or Krenshov and grew about a foot, he'd be scary!
JACK JONES: Or Jake Phoenix!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Yeah but Jake Phoenix doesn't impress me.
Vade picks Sean up, wraps him in an abdominal stretch just near enough his own corner to take in Stone, and hops over the ropes and springboards into a double axhandle across the ribs of Sean. O'Connor whinces as Vade drops him to his knees, and Stone off the other side, baseball slide takes out both knees, Sean face first into the canvas! Stone picks Sean up, Irish whip, reversed, but Stone holds onto the ropes. Sean charges, BACK BODY DROP ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR!
The fans up the volume levels as Xavier Stone signals for a big move, off the opposite ropes, UP AND OVER, SUICIDE DIVE CONNECTS!!
BILL HEWSON: Beautiful, DANGEROUS move by Xavier Stone!
JACK JONES: Is he trying to kill himself? He damn near broke his own neck!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Maybe both of them could break their necks.
BILL HEWSON: Come on now...
Stone did indeed take a heavy knock on that one, but he's up first to the appreciation of the fans, and he rolls Sean into the ring. Sean keeps rolling though, back to his corner, but Stone cuts him off just in time. Stone picks Sean up, looking for the suplex, but it's blocked. Another try, another block. SMALL PACKAGE!
One,
Two,
KICKOUT!
Sean is up quick, but Stone up quicker, CLOTHESLINE shuts him down. Rattled, Stone drags Sean by the boot to his own corner and makes the tag. Dorian Vade in, looking for the corner, tornado DDT coming up...
LIAM SHEPHERD: Here we go, we're gonna see it! Broken neck number one!
Vade swings out, but something's wrong... Sean hung on to the corner! He's on his own falling backwards through the air, and bam! Straight onto the mat. Sean rolls straight over him past Vade's flailing hands and makes the tag! In comes Seamus! Seamus charges Vade, and leaps through the air! Hurricanrana!
BILL HEWSON: Wonderful move from Seamus, Vade up already!
Seamus charges again, puts the brakes on, and takes out Vade's left knee with some precision martial arts kicks. Vade drops, SPINNING HEAD KICK!
JACK JONES: Brutal kick!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Yeah, that was nice. Vade looks a little fuzzy after that.
Seamus picks Vade up and makes the tag... Sean springs up top, and WHAM! Missile dropkick! Vade sent sprawling, Sean quickly over with the cover...
One,
Two,
KICKOUT!
Sean has Vade up quickly, whips him into his own corner, follows him in with another dropkick, and as Vade staggers out, Sean's off again, into the opposite ropes, and hits a springboard back elbow! Vade down, and Sean with another cover!
One,
Two,
KICKOUT!
BILL HEWSON: Dorian Vade taking some punishment here, but he's absorbing it!
LIAM SHEPHERD: What choice does he have?
Vade looks hurt, as Sean charges him again, AND BAM!! Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Dorian Vade!
BILL HEWSON: Great counter! That was a brutal hit to Sean's lower back!
Vade reaches out for the tag, and Stone gets it! Stone Xavier in, drops an elbow across the clavicle of Sean O'Connor to keep him down, and then nails a standing moonsault! No cover, Stone picks Sean up, shoves him into the corner and puts the boots in, and I mean he's stomping him!
JACK JONES: Look at this aggression from Xavier Stone!
BILL HEWSON: Well everybody wants a shot of the tag team Champions, and these two teams know they could well be running out of chances against the Freak Show!
LIAM SHEPHERD: The Freak Show have beaten these guys more times here in NAPW than I've commentated.
BILL HEWSON: And if they want another shot, they know they're gonna have to up their game, and that's exactly what Damage Inc. are doing right here!
Stone tags Vade back in, and both men synch Sean up... DOUBLE SUPLEX! Vade has him up, and he's looking for the Invader! Inverted powerbomb... NO, HEAD SCISSORS!
BILL HEWSON: Great counter from Sean O'Connor, that would have been all she wrote!
JACK JONES: Vade's won numerous accolades with that move!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Not over here though.
Sean crawls his way to his corner, and he can't hide that he's hurt, and as Vade tries desperately to stop him, he makes it!
BILL HEWSON: There's the tag, Seamus in!
Seamus comes in all guns blazing, knocking down Vade with a flying clothesline, and that draws in Stone! Seamus with a dropkick sending Xavier up and over, and turns to Vade. He's gonna need some help here, so he calls Sean back in, who's still recovering...
JACK JONES: What are they planning?!
BILL HEWSON: And look at this! The O'Connor's exploding on Dorian Vade with a double martial arts assault!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Hey! I'm pretty sure some of those are closed fists!
Seamus and Sean punch, kick and chop Vade until he's lying face first on the mat, and both look round soaking in the adulation of the crowd, adrenaline pumping through their veins!
JACK JONES: The people love these guys!
LIAM SHEPHERD: These people love Vaseline on toast.
BILL HEWSON: The O'Connor Boys are cooking! They are live and in charge!
Sean signals for Seamus to go up top, but as he's doing so Stone grabs his feet and drags him outside. Sean watches on distracted for a second too long... SPINEBUSTER by Vade! Vade still recovering, but he had the strength for that move! Outside, Stone slams Seamus into the ring apron and hops inside and mounts the turnbuckles.
JACK JONES: Here we go!
BILL HEWSON: Xavier Stone calling for the end! Vade has Sean up... looking for the suplex! STONE ON THE TOP...
LIAM SHEPHERD: LOOK AT SEAMUS!
With every ounce of energy in his body, Seamus blocks out the pain of his lower back after hitting the apron and jumps up, grabs Stone's ankle...
BILL HEWSON: What a struggle! Both these teams DESPERATE to win!
Stone tries to kick Seamus away but to no avail! Vade keeps Sean up high, waiting for the impact of his partner's crossbody in the Damageplan finisher, but he's stalling... stalling... TOO LONG! SEAN WITH A DDT COUNTER!!
BILL HEWSON: Sean O'Connor rolls through and DRILLS Vade's head into the mat!
JACK JONES: And Seamus just dislodged Stone!
Stone crotches himself on the top, and falls... falls... OUTSIDE!
LIAM SHEPHERD: WOAH! Brutal landing! Brutal! I love it!
BILL HEWSON: Xavier Stone was teetering on the top, and that had to be eye-watering enough! Then he fell outside!
JACK JONES: And Seamus up top!
Vade is staggering to his feet on dream street... Flying knee to the back sends him flying onto the second rope, primed for...
BILL HEWSON: BUSHMAN'S DRILL!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Right in the face! LOOK OUT!!!
JACK JONES: IRISH INSIGNIA!! OFF THE TOP!
BILL HEWSON: Seamus found the mark!!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!
BILL HEWSON: This one is in the book!
TRENTON OSWALD: YOUR WINNNNNNNERS! SEAN! SEAMUS! THE O'CONNNNOR BOOOOYS!
BILL HEWSON: Tremendous contest between two excellent teams, but the O'Connor Boys pick up the big win here tonight, putting them right back in contention for the Tag Team Championship --- which will be decided later here tonight!
LIAM SHEPHERD: You mean will be retained by the Fabulous F'N Freak Show later tonight, and --- oh no, what's this, not this f'n goody two-shows crap again. This ain't rock n roll.
Stone is back in the ring and helps Vade up to his feet. The members of Damage Inc look disappointed, but they stand across from the victorious Sean & Seamus and offer their hands.
BILL HEWSON: And just like last week between the New & Improved D-X and O'Connor Boys, we have a handshake to cap things off. NAPW may be going to hell in a handbag but some things can't be tainted.
JACK JONES: I'd LOVE an untaintable b---
BILL HEWSON: Easy, Jack HEY! WHAT IN THE --- DAMAGE INC JUST PEARL HARBORED THE O'CONNORS! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
LIAM SHEPHERD: F'N RIGHTS IS GOIN' ON! YEAH!
BILL HEWSON: Dorian Vade and Xavier Stone just attacked the O'Connors from behind, after a handshake --- OH NO! THE INVADER! THE INVADER ON SEAMUS O'CONNOR! And a DDT on Sean!
The fans are booing now as Damage Inc raise their arms in 'victory', but they're not done with the O'Connor Boys just yet. Dorian lifts Seamus up, front face-lock... Stone going to the top rope! Suplex by Dorian, Stone flies --- CROSS BODY!
LIAM SHEPHERD: THE DAMAGEPLAN! THAT'S IT!
JACK JONES: The match is over, dummy!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Shut it old man, I'll say what I want!
BILL HEWSON: ... Oh come on now, enough already!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Double your pleasure, twin twats!
BILL HEWSON: Vade has Sean up now... OH! THE DAMAGEPLAN ON SEAN O'CONNOR NOW! What in the hell has gotten into Damage Inc? Two Damageplans, and they've left the OCB laying!
Sean & Seamus are both out on the canvas. Vade and Stone each stand over top of a brother and raise their arms, grinning, satisfied. They've done their... damage. Cut to commercial.
Commercial Break
Fade in from commercial break. NAPW's little-seen backstage interviewer BOB is standing in front of the NAPW interview banner. Let's just say he doesn't appear 'confident,' fans. More like deer in headlights. Eyes wide as dinner plates. Mouth slightly open.BOB: Um... are we on? This is, uh, this is Interviewer Bob here to... interview ... somebody... here at the interview stage...
TERRY BRANDON: (off) Cheez and nachos, Bob, you're not going to get fired! But I'm not using that weasel Pantoliano --- you know what, just hold the microphone and I'll do the g-dang talking!
NAPW's commissioner Terry Brandon walks into the scene, shaking his head at Bob before looking into the camera through horn-rimmed glasses. As always, Brandon is dressed for success in a vintage polyester suit. He and Jack Attack must shop at the same stores. Brandon's face is slightly flushed, he's worked up about something for sure.
TERRY BRANDON: New Alberta Pro Wrestling, NAPW, right here in Canada's wrestling heritage of Alberta, fans I hope you've been enjoying NAPW on TFN over the past couple months! Because Pro Wrestling needs to be on television in this great country of ours, the country that has produced so many legends in the sport! NAPW has its share of legends, and it's been my privilege to be commissioner of this proud promotion.
But I'm going to be honest with you right now, fans, because as of late something in NAPW stinks. It starts with a "Z" and ends with an "ah-vay." You look around and see this silly circus tent thing, you see the fixtures that have made NAPW what it is lose their jobs, and all because of one lunatic clown who thinks NAPW needs 'fixing.' He thinks he's bringing the 'Greatest Show on Earth.' For who, that's what I wanna know!
But... for whatever reason, and as long as I've known him I can't figure this one out, as weird as he is, our owner "Wahoo" Bobby Winchell has hired this guy, and he's given this so-called Zouave the power to organize our venues, to sign some talent, to book a few matches. So what I want to do right here, right now in front of everybody out in TV-land is set a few facts STRAIGHT.
Brandon dips his head down, looking out over the tops of his glasses. His cadence becomes more and more rapid as he builds steam with the rant; his gestures more animated.
TERRY BRANDON: The first fact being that whether he likes it or not, Zouave is not NAPW Commissioner. That position still belongs to Yours Truly, and here's the deal! No matter what ridiculous place our events take place in, no matter how many overly hairy females show up, or how many unqualified people he wants to give jobs to, SO LONG AS I --- AM NAPW COMMISSIONER, you will continue to see the very BEST in pro wrestling action! You will see REAL wrestling action, you will see wrestlers and tag teams go at it every single week to climb the mountain, to earn championship gold in NAPW, to prove just who IS the best wrestler in Canada today!
You have my WORD that NAPW will continue to be the place to see THE hottest matches anywhere on television today! And in my day, if you gave your WORD it was better than any legally binding lawyer-spewed contract! This is New Alberta Pro WRESTLING, not some circus side-show! Now next week, right here on this very channel, I've already signed one monster match-up... JAKE PHOENIX is going to take on KENNY KRENSHOV for the first time ever, right here on Fight! That's not all --- next week the 2010 Sole Survivor winner LLOYD REES will attempt to become the first four-time World Champion in NAPW, challenging the current champion JEFFREY ROBERTS!
That sounds pretty good, but I have a little something else to announce tonight. In TWO WEEKS, June 22nd set your VCRS, pardon me, your PVRs here folks, STEVE PARKER gets his chance at revenge against RODDY MAC. But both of these guys, they've had a few matches, they know each other pretty damn well, so it's time they get something special, something that will allow them to really use their anger... and keep either guy from trying to run! Something like a DOG COLLAR CHAIN MATCH! STEVE PARKER, RODDY MAC, attached at the neck by a fifteen-foot steel chain! You heard it here first!
Bob is starting to look like the guy in the old MAXELL ads, the sheer force of Brandon's raving blowing him backwards out of the scene.
TERRY BRANDON: I'm Terry Brandon, COMMISSIONER of NAPW, whether you like me, ya hate me, you know one thing: I am going to give you every reason to plunk down your twenty dollars, every reason to turn to Fight Network, every reason to want to see New Alberta Pro Wrestling because we offer the BEST and deliver! Now THAT is the greatest show on earth in my book! Good job Bob, next time close your mouth!
Whirlwind Terry storms off, leaving a dazed Bob in his wake.
BOB: Erm... back to you guys?
Cut to ringside. JACK JONES: And then the guy across the counter threw the slurpee in my face.
BILL HEWSON: Sounds like it served you right, Jack Attack.
JACK JONES: How was I to know that his mother really DID wear army boots? She was a colonel!
The familiar (some would say TOO familiar) strains of Carlos Santana and his amazing guitar work ease out of the PA system (thankfully cutting Jack Attack off), and the crowd come to their feet as one. Out from behind the curtain steps first Chris Casino, dressed in casual faded blue jeans and a Dirty Money tee shirt. Right on his heels is the dapper don 'Perfection' Evan Cartwright. Cartwright is rockin' a tailor made silk suit and looks like a GQ model who stepped right of the cover. The duo stand for a moment soaking in both the love and respect that they've earned over the years.
They head to ringside, climb inside and survey the fans crammed into the arena. With a hint of a smile, Casino whips out a microphone that he has sticking out of his back pocket.
CHRIS CASINO: Oh yes, we're back bitches.
The crowd pops and both men break character for a moment and laugh.
CHRIS CASINO: First off, I want to thank Mr. Cartwright for coming home to not only NAPW but coming to my aid last week. Of course I TOTALLY had Kenny right where I wanted him when you showed up partner.
Cartwright smiles and gives him the thumbs up.
CHRIS CASINO: Okay yeah so I lost. Whatever. That makes my record against KRENSHOV what? 24-2? Something like that? I dunno. Who cares. What I do care about though is that the GREATEST tag team in this promotions history has come back together to raise some hell. Kick some ass. And tear through NAPW like a BP oil spill!
Cartwright elegantly extracts a microphone from his inside coat pocket and smiles out at the crowd.
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: Thank you Chris. It is good, for NAPW for course, that I'm back. Since I left I see that NAPW has really run off the rails so to speak. Freak Show tag champs? Doink The Clown running things backstage? You wrestling in REBEL?
The crowd 'ohhhhhhhs' at this and Casino simply shrugs his shoulders.
CHRIS CASINO: They needed me man. I'm doing it to help KKP. Charity work.
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: At any rate, you and I are back together. The GREATEST tag team in history. Three time tag champs. Most title defenses of ANY team.
CHRIS CASINO: By far the sexiest team to hold the belts.
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: Well obviously. Quite frankly, NAPW should save us the time and just award us the tag titles tonight!
VOICE OFFSTAGE: Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa WHOA!
At the top of the stage, out come Stylin' Kyle Roberts and Bruce "The Beast" Richards. Kyle, of course, has a mic.
KYLE ROBERTS: Look, guys, I know it SEEMS like it's old timer's week. Chris Casino and Evan Cartwright. Krenshov vs. Phoenix later this month. Us, I guess. (Kyle shrugs) But where do you go about rewriting history?
BRUCE RICHARDS: You guys were good. So good, we couldn't beat you. But three-time tag champions does not make you NAPW elite. Shall I bring out some charts?
KYLE ROBERTS: I don't want that to happen.
CHRIS CASINO: Oh hey look, it's my former secretaries! I think we're all in agreement that your charts will not be needed tonight. Thanks for coming though.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Who's been four-time tag champs? How about Mystic Exposition?
KYLE ROBERTS: And we beat them two weeks ago!
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: To be fair, the Mystic Exposition team is really Wayne Wright and Warren under masks. It was a fluke that you two were able to successfully defeat them earlier.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Oh, that's how it's going to be, huh? Look, Casino, I know that you're used to surrounding yourself with guys who have their lips surgically attached to your pasty white ass and tell you your shit smells like rasperries. But I want to tell you something, on behalf of myself, my tag team partner, and the entire NAPW locker room. You and Cartwright can go back to North Carolina and to...whatever American backwater Evan's been holing himself up in. Because the greatest tag team in NAPW history hasn't JUST come back. We've been here for a few weeks.
CHRIS CASINO: Look first of all....My ass is tan okay? If you don't believe me, feel free to come down here and check it out.
Casino wiggles his butt a little, sending a trill of "oooohs" through the women - and 10% of the men - in the crowd. Casino raises an eyebrow at Bruce, who just rolls his eyes.
CHRIS CASINO: Second of all, no one really cares that you guys are back. You're like David Hasselhoff. You never seem to die. Right here in this ring is the greatest tag team in NAPW history. Evan?
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: Yes?
CHRIS CASINO: What team won tag team of the year two years in a row?
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: I do believe it was us.
KYLE ROBERTS: Two can play this game, bitches! Hey, Bruce, who's the only FIVE-TIME tag champs in this building?
BRUCE RICHARDS: You're looking at part of them. .
CHRIS CASINO: What team did we beat for our first tag title?
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: Why I do believe it was those big mouthed sons of Canadian whores The New & Improved D-X.
CHRIS CASINO: So. It. Was.
KYLE ROBERTS: My mother was a saint!
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: For $15 an hour she'd be anything you wanted her to be!
KYLE ROBERTS: Well, YOUR momma so BLACK--
BRUCE RICHARDS: (cutting his partner off) No, Kyle. Please. No. You can not do yo' momma jokes with this man. Our record stands for itself.
CHRIS CASINO: Children please. Control yourselves
BRUCE RICHARDS: Oh, Chris. If you think I'm going to listen to a word you've got to say, you're going to be disappointed. I held my tongue after Kyle pleaded with me to give you a second chance. But if you think what you say will influence me whatsoever...
CHRIS CASINO: Look, I know you're still upset I turned on you guys. Twice. And even fired you on live TV. But hey, that's life, right? You can go cry in the back and let me and Evan continue to amaze the crowd with our lyrical content.
Cartwright looks at Casino as if he's gone crazy.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Wow. You had better fire whomever's writing your inane rantings, because if that's the best they can do, then you're throwing money away. Not that you're a stranger to that. You've got about as much business acumen as a kid who pisses in his lemonade pitcher to keep it full.
KYLE ROBERTS: Ooooh! BURN!
CHRIS CASINO: Again, for the record, that can't be proven. Second, I'm tired of this pointless bickering. I say, we end this! One match. Winner take all. Bragging rights and all that other crap. We settle this like men!
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: In a cage, er, what?
Cartwright is looking at Casino who is shaking his head 'no'
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: In a.....two of of three falls match?
A hesistation and another shake of the head.
EVAN CARTWRIGHT: Ugh. Fine. We settle this in a one time, last time tag team match!
CHRIS CASINO: Yeah, bitches!
The crowd pops.
BILL HEWSON: Casino and Cartwright against Bruce "The Beast" and Stylin' Kyle? Two legendary teams of the NAPW will be colliding!
BRUCE RICHARDS: If you hotshots think can even hold a CANDLE to the greatness that is The New & Improved D-X, then I tell you what: I don't know how long you plan on sticking around, but we happen to have the next spot for a title shot. If we win, we'll be going on to beat whoever wins the Freak Show/ Sexy Adorable Drunks match later on tonight. But if you two win...
KYLE ROBERTS: We'll leave wrestling FOREVER!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Just shut up, okay?
CHRIS CASINO: "IF we win"? Pfffffffft. Already with the excuses.
KYLE ROBERTS: It's put up or shut up time, boys. You win, we bow to your omnipotent graces and you get to lord it over us every Christmas. We win, you guys can leave NAPW with your tails between your legs and a good old New and Improved D-X ass kicking!
Casino and Cartwright huddle and quickly break.
CHRIS CASINO: You got a deal gentlemen. See you clowns in a week!
Kyle and Bruce look at each other and nod, exiting. Casino slaps Evan on the back, muttering, "We've got them. Kicking their asses all over this ring." The crowd roars their approval as NAPW fades to commercial.
Commercial Break
JACK JONES: And that's when I learned the true meaning of St. Patrick's day. Getting drunk because you chased a snake out of your apartment with at toilet plunger.BILL HEWSON: ...that is surprisingly accurate.
TRENTON OSWALD: Ohhhhh fans it's time for another HUUUUUUGE MATCH-UP! THIS IS FOR THE CANADIAN --- HERITAGE --- TITLE! ONE FALL! LET'S MEET THE CHALLENGER!
Bring on the Tupac! The crowd ignites with heated hatred as The Millenium Game walks out, followed by his shuffling manager...
TRENTON OSWALD: The manager? HUGH --- AREDONE! And his man, the challenger, the two-hundred sixty-fiiiiive pounder... THE GAME IS THE MILLIENIUM! TMGEEEEEE --- JUSTIN CASE!
Case makes the 'belt' motion around his waist as the fans boo him. Case removes his sunglasses and warms up in the ring...
"ALL EYEZ ON ME"
And here comes the champion... the crowd roar lets you know.
TRENTON OSWALD: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Here he comes! Weighing two-hundred... FORTY ONE pounds! From the City of Angels LOS ANGELES SUNNY CALIFORNIA OH YEAH! THE GREATEST WRESTLER ON GOD'S GREEN EARRRRRRTH --- HE'S THE CHAMP! THE HERITAGE CHAMP! DONOVANNNN ASTROS!
Astros looks sideways at Oswald as the fat man mops the pouring sweat from his forehead. Astros circles the ring and gets in ---
Justin Case jumps him before the bell! Referee Anthony Uruburu yells for it, let's get the match started!
DING DING DING
The title belt still around Astros' waist, Uruburu trying to get it removed, Case assaulting Astros. He chops him hard across the chest in the ropes, Irish Whip --- Astros ducks the clothesline with a school-boy roll-up lightning-quick! ONE, TWO, Case kicks out, charges, Astros hits a drop-toe hold GOING FOR THE MARTYR'S CROSS --- Case quickly to the ropes and the hold must be broken. Astros gets to his feet and looks out over the fans, who respond with cheers. Donovan finally removes the strap, handing it to Uruburu, but Astros waits like a predator for Case to get to his feet... GERMAN SUPLEX --- REVERSED!
GAMEBREAKER! Case looking for the arm, can he trap it? Astros fighting, he scrambles and gets a foot on the bottom rope. Uruburu calls for the break, Case does. Astros to his feet SLAP in the face by Justin Case. "YOU THINK I'M GOING TO BE EASY? YOU THINK I'M BOBBY CRANE? HUH?" Astros wipes his lip, looking slightly surprised, but Case winds up for another slap --- Astros swats it away and starts firing right hands!
BILL HEWSON: TMG wants to brawl with the champion, he's got his wish!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Justin Case is TAKING it to Astros here, it's about time! That's how you have to live this life, f'n take what you want!
JACK JONES: I try to do that, but then Benny Hill music starts playing and the bobbys show up and...
Astros has Case on the ropes, short clothesline has Case reeling! Astros off the opposite ropes CLOTHESLINE BOTH MEN SPILL OVER THE TOP! They hit the floor hard, but Astros is up quickly and FIRED UP.
JACK JONES: I think Justin Case woke up the wolf! Astros is fighting for his life here!
LIAM SHEPHERD: It's about time --- Astros nearly put me to sleep last time he was on this f'n show.
WATCH OUT! Hugh Aredone sneaking up, Astros sees him. The laughing man gives Astros a strange smile, CASE FROM BEHIND --- Astros felt him coming and nails him! Astros grabs Case, BAM, face into the ring apron! BAM! Another! BAM! Another! Case stumbling away from Astros, Donovan giving chase! Justin runs, Donovan follows, Case rolls into the ring Astros slides in STOMP. Case getting the better of Astros as he slid in! Case with a front face-lock, controlling the head of Astros and sending knees up into the chest. Case with a T-Bone style suplex! Cover one, two, Astros kicks out. Belly to belly suplex! Another cover one, two, kick-out.
Justin Case tells Uruburu to count 'properly' and picks up his man, looking for a Fisherman's Suplex --- Astros counters! Behind Case with both arms AZTECAN SUPLEX! The champ covers one, two, kick-out by Case!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Why even cover him when you know you won't get three? Justin Case has tons of ammo left in the chamber!
JACK JONES: Well Liam, by forcing your opponent to kick out you're causing him to waste energy ---
LIAM SHEPHERD: Seriously, Jack, you're f'n fail.
BILL HEWSON: The action virtually non-stop in this contest, and Justin Case is more than holding his own against a renewed Donovan Astros! Astros with right hands, he's going to just plain beat up Justin Case!
Astros has Case staggered! Off the ropes --- GRAB. Hugh Aredone subtly grabs the heel of Astros! Uruburu didn't see but the champion hits face-first into the canvas. Case shakes the cobwebs loose and hits a stomp, picking Astros up... NECKBREAKER! Case with a neck vice now! Softening Astros up for the Gamebreaker, perhaps?
Case wrenching the champion by the head, Astros' face a mask of pain. The champ shakes his fist and gets to his feet as the fans rally behind him. Elbows to the midsection! Astros hooks Case for a suplex, Case blocks, forearms to the back! Astros doubled-over, hand to the small of his back, and Case hooks him up... BACK SUPLEX! Scary angle, almost dropping Astros on his neck --- and Case continues to hold his man! A second Back Suplex! Astros slumping, but Case continues to hold on, and delivers a THIRD Back Suplex in a row. Floats over into a cover ONE TWO KICK-OUT. Case raises three fingers but Uruburu assures his man that it was only two.
Case up, scoop and a slam puts Astros in perfect position for... a top rope move? Case climbs to the top! BILL HEWSON: We've seen him use the Shooting Star Press --- no small feat from man who stands six-five and two-sixty five!
LIAM SHEPHERD: If he hits this, it's all over! That's the move right there!
CASE FLIES
PERFECT ROTATION
ASTROS ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY! Case pops up, holding his mid-section in agonizing pain ASTROS! ASTROLABE DDT! NAILS IT! ONE TWO
SHOULDER UP!
LIAM SHEPHERD: F'n rights!
BILL HEWSON: Barely got the shoulder up did the challenger! But now Astros is looking to build some momentum!
Astros waits for Case to get to his feet... going for the Butterfly Suplex! Case struggles and stands up, backdropping Astros to the canvas! The champ rolls back up to his feet however and grabs Case. Whip into the corner. CHOP from the champ! Another one! Irish whip, Case reverses, Astros reverses sends Case BACK into the same corner --- Uruburu almost got caught there, he thought they were going the other way! Astros charges ---
CASE PULLS THE REFEREE IN THE WAY!
Astros JUST STOPS SHORT!
CASE FROM BEHIND! ASTROS SMACKS INTO URUBURU --- WHO GOES INTO THE TURNBUCKLE! LOW BLOW BY CASE! THE CHAMP GROANS IN PAIN, CASE HOOKS HIM ---
THE BENCHMARK!
Cover is made, Case covers, Uruburu is groggy! He tries to count though! ONE!
TWO!
KICK OUT!
LIAM SHEPHERD: This ref is bullshit, man, that was a slow count. Maybe some of the referees in this joint need to join Frank and Reynolds in the unemployment line!
BILL HEWSON: It was, admittedly, a slow count --- but Justin Case brought that on himself when he purposely pushed Astros into Uruburu! That's how he got away with his low blow...
JACK JONES: You can't say it wasn't smart strategy, it almost won him the match.
BILL HEWSON: I won't argue with that, but Case --- Case needs to keep his temper in check OH COME ON! CASE JUST DECKED THE REFEREE! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HURT HIM!
Uruburu is out like it's his Friday night, and now Case wants to bring this home. Hugh Aredone tosses Case his cane! Astros, holding his neck, gets slowly to his feet...
SMMMAAAASSSSH!
The cane explodes into splinters and Astros collapses in a heap! He hooks his man ---
JUST 2 TALENTED!
That's STILL not enough for Case though, he goes up ---
AND CONNECTS WITH THE SHOOTING STAR PRESS!
JACK JONES: But there's no referee! Ah, memories.
BILL HEWSON: Case and Aredone both yelling for a new ref to come from the back, this is becoming a travesty! Case doing everything he can to keep Astros down, no matter how dirty! Wait --- here comes a referee! It's Danny Chaos!
Chaos slides in, Case covers Astros! ONE!
BILL HEWSON: NOT LIKE THIS.
TWO.
A beat.
Astros may have kicked out, he may not have. We'll never know...
Because Danny Chaos refused to count the three. He smirks at Case and KICKS HIM IN THE HEAD! The crowd going crazy!
LIAM SHEPHERD: (BLEEP) (BLEEP)!
BILL HEWSON: For MONTHS Justin Case has taunted, assaulted and tormented Danny Chaos ---
JACK JONES: Mom always told me payback's a bitch!
Chaos grabs Chaos... FISHERMAN'S SUPLEX --- INTO A MICHINOKU DRIVER! THE CHAOS THEORY! Chaos tears the referee shirt off his chest and tosses it into the crowd, leaving the ring to a thunderous ovation. Pint-sized referee Morgan Smythe comes through the curtain! She casts one skewed glance at the departing Chaos before rushing to the ring. Both men are down... she starts the ten count!
ONE! TWO! THREE!
Neither man stirring!
FOUR! FIVE! SIX!
They're trying to get up!
SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE!
ASTROS AND CASE ARE ON THEIR FEET!
BILL HEWSON: Almost a double count-out! Both men are up, but it's Justin Case on the attack --- ASTROS RIGHT HAND! THE CHAMPION IS COMING ALIVE!
JACK JONES: My champion came to life last night! It was grrrrrreat!
LIAM SHEPHERD: You talk about your tiny cock on air and don't get fired how? This place NEEDS Zouave more than I thought.
BILL HEWSON: There is a match going on. ASTROS ON FIRE!
Case being overwhelmed by an AGGRESSIVE Heritage Champion! Astros whips his man hard into the turnbuckle, Case stumbles out, bulldog from Astros puts the man right into the mat. Donovan turns around --- and it's time for a spin around the sun! Calling for the Slingshot Effect, the fans buzz as they feel it! The dazed Case gets to his feet... Astros hooks him!
SLINGSHOT EFFECT ---
No! Case counters, lands on his feet, sweeps Astros' legs! GOING FOR THE SHARPSHOOTER BOO BOO BOO! He tries to turn Astros around --- ASTROS ROLLS HIM UP TIGHTLY! ONE! TWO! Case gets out! Astros goes for the MARTYR'S CROSS ---
And spies Hugh Aredone on the ring apron, trying to get in! Referee Smith orders him out, then has to physically restrain the man from entering. Case rolls a distracted Astros up ONE, TWO, kick-out by the champ! Hugh still on the apron, Morgan yelling at him to get back to the floor! Astros is up, he's measuring Aredone... Hugh Aredone yelling right at Astros, trying to keep the man's attention! Astros advances!
CASE FROM BEHIND!
ASTROS SIDESTEPS AND BEALES CASE INTO AREDONE! The manager flies off the apron to the floor! Case tries to climb back in CAUGHT. The champ pulls him in, the feet on the ropes!
CONCUSSION CANNON!
Case gets his feet in, blocks it! Kickwham! Sets Astros up for JUST 2 TALENTED ---
ESCAPED!
ASTROS HOISTS CASE UP, BOUNCES HIM OFF THE TOP ROPE, CRASHING HIM INTO THE CANVAS! SLINGSHOT EFFECT CONNECTS! The champ hooks the leg ONE, TWO, THREE!
TRENTON OSWALD: IT'S A PINFALL VICTORRRRRRRRRY... FOR THE REIGNING HERITAGE CHAMPION DONOVANNNNNN ASTROOOOOOOOOS!
BILL HEWSON: The champ retains, but what a hellacious match! Justin Case with a hell of an effort, he was determined to win this thing by hook or by crook but it was not to be. Donovan Astros with another huge title defense!
LIAM SHEPHERD: How come you can't it like it is, Biffy? The match was f'n over five minutes ago if the referees in this place were half-way competent.
BILL HEWSON: I think you were watching a different match than I was, Shepherd.
JACK JONES: And his name is BILL. Like the dollar!
BILL HEWSON: ...thanks?
LIAM SHEPHERD: Whatever.
BILL HEWSON: When we come back, we will hear from the challenger to the World Title! Don't go away!
Commercial Break
We cut backstage where Peter Pantoliano stands in front of the camera with a microphone in hand.PETER PANTOLIANO: With me right now is the 2010 Sole Survivor, the number one contender to the NAPW World Title and the man that got pinned by a retuning Roddy Mac; Lloyd Rees.
The camera backs off slightly. Rees stands next to Peter, looking down, not impressed with Peter's remark.
PETER PANTOLIANO: So Lloyd, how did it feel to get pinned by Mac?
LLOYD REES: Yer kid'n me right?!
PETER PANTOLIANO: Well, you did get pinned by him right?
LLOYD REES: Did ya ask me t'come out here t'badger me about get'n pinned last week or did ya maybe want t'ask me about da ass kick'n I'm go'n t'hand yer little buddy, Jeffery Roberts, on me way t'me fourth NAPW World Title reign?
PETER PANTOLIANO: Well...
LLOYD REES: Well nothing Pete!
PETER PANTOLIANO: That's Peter...
LLOYD REES: Whatever...Ok, so ya want t'talk about Roddy Mac get'n da pin on me right in da center of da ring last week? Well ya got it Pete!
PETER PANTOLIANO: Peter...
LLOYD REES: Roddy got lucky last week and ya know why luck was on Mac's side Pete?
PETER PANTOLIANO: Peter...Why?
LLOYD REES: Cause I was busy with Zoave's little puppet, Roberts, locked in da Lance Cove Leglock make'n him cry fer his mudder.
PETER PANTOLIANO: Sounds like an excuse t'me Lloyd.
LLOYD REES: How long ya been around here Pete?
PETER PANTOLIANO: Peter...Long enough...
LLOYD REES: D'hat's right! Long enough t'know d'hat Lloyd Rees don't need t'make any god dame excuses! I ain't cry's d'hat Roddy pinned me last week but, I can guarantee ya d'hat it will be a different story come June 15th when I take da NAPW Title off of Robert's grimy little hands and he has t'go back t'da ring leader and explain why da "Thrall" is no longer in possession of it.
PETER PANTOLIANO: I don't know...
LLOYD REES: What you don't know would fill two long liners with enough fish t'call it a year and get yer top stamps!
PETER PANTOLIANO: And what is that supposed to mean Lloyd?
LLOYD REES: Catch up on yer Newfinese Pete.
Lloyd grabs the microphone from Peter.
LLOYD REES: Roberts, I don't know what you are yer buddies Zouave, Da Freak Show, Oswald and dis douche bag here have planned fer da NAPW but, I'm go'n t'throw a major monkey wrench into yer plans when we collide next week! See, I didn't put blood, sweat and tears into da NAPW fer da past four years t'have a bunch of carnies come in here and think d'hat can just takeover!
LLOYD REES: See, people like me, Parker, Roberts, Richards and god forgive me, Casino, are what da NAPW is all about. Not some bitch in bad clown makeup and a psycho who fluked into win'n da NAPW Title!
LLOYD REES: Last week I had ya locked in da Lance Cove Leglock and ya knew it was over! Luckily fer you, Roddy seen fit t'save ya. Next week though, it will just be me and you, no one t'save ya at all.
Lloyd slaps the microphone into the chest of Pantoliano.
LLOYD REES: Here ya go Pete!
PETER PANTOLIANO: It's Peter dame it!
Lloyd shrugs and walks off camera.
Cut to a different area of backstage, where DANNY CHAOS is leaving the makeshift 'locker room' heading for an exit flap of the circus tent, duffel bag over his shoulder. An out-of-breath Bob tries to catch up to him.
BOB: Danny! Danny --- huff --- Chaos! Wait --- ah --- phew --- Why did you --- why did you do what --- GASP --- do ---
DANNY CHAOS: Why did I drop Justin Case right on his head earlier tonight, Bob? Justin Case has spent the past three months insulting me at every turn, humiliating me, trying to make my life a JOKE. After he 'beat me' last week, and I use the term loosely since it took breaking every rule in the book to do, I'd had enough. Case wanted to screw somebody else tonight, well he got screwed ---
TERRY BRANDON: (off) HEY!
A stern-faced Commissioner Brandon walks into the scene. Chaos stands his ground as Pete holds the microphone steady, hand shaking.
TERRY BRANDON: Danny, you know I appreciate everything you're feeling but that referee shirt STANDS for something, and as long as I'm commissioner of this promotion it's going to continue to stand for integrity! You went out there to count the fall, personal bias aside, and instead you attack a wrestler in the match! Now ---
DANNY CHAOS: What about the integrity of the championship, Terry? Because otherwise we might be sitting here talking about your new Heritage Champion JUSTIN CASE... thanks to a broken cane and a jackass named Hugh Aredone!
TERRY BRANDON: Now Danny, I don't disagree with you there, but nonetheless I have to take action, I can't have a maverick referee in this company! Effective immediately, you are finished as an NAPW official!
Danny Chaos' face flickers.
TERRY BRANDON: But seeing as you seem to be once again in top physical condition... and since you want to get your hands on Justin Case again so badly... Danny, we've done these one-night wrestling contracts a couple times for you now. We're not doing another one...
...how does a brand new FULL-TIME NAPW contract as a PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER sound?
A grin spreads across the face of Danny Chaos.
DANNY CHAOS: It's about time, Terry. As for Justin Case... tell him one thing for me?
TERRY BRANDON: What's that son?
DANNY CHAOS: (pause) F.Y.I.E.
Leaving that final statement hanging in the air, Danny Chaos exits, a confused Brandon and Bob in his wake.
TERRY BRANDON: "F.Y.I.E."? What in the bloody blue blazes does that mean?
Fade.
Commercial Break
Backstage is NAPW's former intrepid intern and newly minted ace interviewer Peter Pantoliano. Next to him, wearing a full dress suit with his hair slicked back and in a ponytail is the NAPW World Champion, Jeffrey Roberts. To top things off, Roberts has a pair of glasses on and a rather shiny wristwatch, which he makes sure to jiggle on his wrist in full view of the camera.PETER PANTOLIANO: I'm proud to be standing back here with the recently crowned NAPW World Champion Jeffrey Roberts. Earlier tonight we heard from the first challenger to his title, NAPW legend Lloyd Rees. Mr. Roberts, what are your thoughts on this challenge?
JEFFREY ROBERTS: (adjusting his glasses) THUSLY my thoughts on this challenge I shall utter henceforth... (dramatic pause) Lloyd Rees is an indisputable and verifiable legend in this company, a former multiple time holder of my belt, a two time Sole Survivor winner, a member of the Ring of Prestige and as I understand it, a certified grand master Dungeons & Dragons player. These are all very impressive feats, but I am up to the challenge.
PETER PANTOLIANO: Which of these accomplishments would you say is most impressive?
JEFFREY ROBERTS: If I were to pick only one?
Peter nods. Roberts looks off into the distance for moment, then back upon Peter sternly.
JEFFREY ROBERTS: I would have to say his grand master Dungeons & Dragons status is most impressive.
PETER PANTOLIANO: That's a surprising answer.
JEFFREY ROBERTS: Surprising? You find it... surprising? Tell me Peter, have YOU ever fought off a giant blob of black pudding and lived to tell the tale? For some reason I doubt it. I've seen you ingest large amounts of tapioca, but everyone knows tapioca is for amateurs.
Peter places his hand on Roberts' shoulder.
PETER PANTOLIANO: Now I assume, as part of the Thrall you'll be well prepared for the actual match itself.
JEFFREY ROBERTS: Your assumption will be proven correct, Peter. For just as I am stunningly dressed before you today, with great care placed in every detail of my appearance, so also will there be great care taken in the way I dissect every last speck of Lloyd Rees' body, mind and spirit until there is nothing left of his career but a shiny bronzed plaque on the Hall of Ring of Fame of Prestige wall. And furthermore, due to his previous failed attempt at feigning insanity, I will take him on a trip through my idea of reality and leave him with a lesson in manners that he will not... soon forget.
Peter pulls his hand away.
JEFFREY ROBERTS: Now if you'll excuse me.
Roberts takes a handkerchief out of his breast pocket and gently dabs at the spot where Peter's hand was - skin oils, you know - then turns and walks away.
Peter Pantoliano looks on, and slowly smiles...
Cut to ringside.
JACK JONES: Understandably, the bishop was shocked, and--
LIAM SHEPHERD: Man, eff this. You're BORING, your stories are BORING.
BILL HEWSON: I am starting to like you.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Shut up, old man!
BILL HEWSON: And that is the end of THAT.
"Heaven Is A Place On Earth" hits up and the crowd are loving them some SAD here tonight, especially since they have the chance to regain the NAPW Tag Team Championships from The Freak Show.
TRENTON OSWALD: Oh yeah, and making their way to the ring in front of you, they are the lowly challengers. They weigh in at four hundred and niiiiiinety-foooour pounds, they are "SUUUUUUPERSTAR" TOMMY DEEEATHROW and KRUUUUUUUUUSTYYYYY KID PAULEY... They are SEXY, they are Adorable... and they are DRUNKS!
BILL HEWSON: Don't let their appearances... or antics... fool you, fans. If you've never experienced the S.A.D., you are looking at former NAPW Tag Team Champions! Tommy Deathrow, a three-time tag champion. Krusty Kid Paul, formerly a dominating WORLD Champion! They are tough, they are sick, but there is no doubt that the SAD are the most extreme team NAPW has ever seen!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Now hold on just a minute, what about the Tag Team champions? The Freak Show have proven that they are the most hard f'n core team in this dogpile --- ever! You call these two homeless goofs so 'tough,' but where have they been for the past years? Tommy Deathrow's gone missing so many times they won't even PUT his face on the milk carton anymore! And Krusty Kid Paul, he's just a guy who got on a hot streak and fluked out a few wins. No way he's an f'n former world champ!
JACK JONES: It's just crazy enough to be true!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Not interested, Joke Attack.
Tommy and KKP dance their way sexily down to the ring before getting inside, waiting on Freak Show.
"Seamless" and the booing starts immediately, the hatred, the loathing, the trash throwing.
TRENTON OSWALD: The best Tag Team Champions in the World, the only true Tag Team Champions in the world, the only Tag Team that really matters are their opponents, they are your and my NAPW Tag Team Champions, they are at a combined weight of five hundred and thirty pounds, they are THE FREEEEAAAAAAAK and SHUUUUUUT DOOOOOWN.... THE FREEEEAAAAAK SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
BILL HEWSON: Like them or hate them, they are the tag team champions, and have been for a long time now... The Freak and Shut Down, despite their uncouth alliance with Zouave, are two unorthodox and extremely tough competitors. They aren't tag team champions by fluke!
LIAM SHEPHERD: You shouldn't talk about what you don't know, Hewson. This isn't some conspiracy alliance, Zouave is just a genius trying to make this little regional f'n promotion into The Greatest Show on Earth! He gives FREEDOM in exchange for understanding ---
JACK JONES: You sound like my Television when I leave it on all night and fall asleep in front of it because I drank waaaaay too much strawberry wine all by myself last Friday night and then ---
LIAM SHEPHERD: Senile at 48, pathetic. Do you ever THINK before you f'n talk ya geezer?
BILL HEWSON: He doesn't, but this match is set to begin!
The Freak Show get into the ring, posing with their tag title belts held high. Deathrow plays to the fans in his unique fashion... but KKP has no time for fun and games. His eyes are those of a stone cold killer... just waiting for the signal.
DING DING
The bell sounds, and these men are ready to get this contest underway. Freak with a dropkick to KKP's knee sends him down. Shut Down is trading blows with Tommy, the smaller man taking him to the limit and somewhat suprising him.
JACK JONES: The smaller Deathrow holding his own against the HUGE Shut Down!
LIAM SHEPHERD: For now, but Tommy can't stand up for long. He's called SHUT DOWN for a reason.
BILL HEWSON: If anyone can trade punches with Shut Down, it is Tommy Deathrow.
Down with a big right that staggers Tommy against the ropes. Big boot sends Deathrow over the top to the outside. Shut Down lumbers towards the rising KKP as Freak flies over the top with a steel chair held to his chest. Cross body onto Deathrow, Irish whip into the corner from Shut Down. KKP stumbles out of the corner, Big Man Press Slam! INVERTED DDT COUNTER! KKP holds at his back, but manages to cover quickly. Freak leaps from the top, steel chair assisted double foot stomp onto KKP's back prevents the pin by John Sharplin. Tommy digs around under the ring, pulling out a big garbage can FULLA PLUNDAH. He tosses it out, scrounging for a weapon...
Deathrow rolls into the ring wielding... a dinner fork? Freak looks at the carnage, literally at his feet.
BILL HEWSON: Deathrow back into this contest.
LIAM SHEPHERD: What is he going to do with that fork?
JACK JONES: There's your answer, Shepherd!
Freak screams out in surprise and pain as Tommy jams the fork into his forehead. Tommy stands behind Freak, repeatedly stabbing the fork into Freak's forehead. Now he's digging it in! A kick gets Freak away, blood streaming from his face. Freak turns around, and Deathrow clothesline sends him down! KKP up, he nods at Deathrow, Freak bouncing back up. SAD clothesline sends Freak over, Shut Down getting back up. KKP and Tommy blow a kiss to the crowd, wiggle their hips, SAD clothesline sends Shut Down over the other top rope to the opposite side of the ring. Dathrow nods. KKP nods. Paul dives over towards Shut Down, Deathrow grabs his balls before leaping over the top towards the Freak!
DOUBLE ASS SMASH!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Seriously? Did the cracks of their asses, just sit on the Freak Show's faces?
BILL HEWSON: I do believe so.
JACK JONES: I bet they now know what SAD had for lunch.
BILL HEWSON: And so far the challengers are dictacting the pace, as it were. Sexy Adorable Drunks putting the hurt on The Freak Show, putting their bodies on the line with those twin planchas!
Shut Down rolls over gagging as KKP waves a hand near the crack of his ass, on the other side of the ring, Tommy is doing the same. SAD look at each other, waving and smiling happily, drunkenly, and throw a double thumbs up.
LIAM SHEPHERD: There we go!
Double low blow from The Freak and Shut Down and both members of SAD hold at their crotches for a different reason than being damn sexy. Shut Down lifts KKP up, he tosses him into the crowd like a lawn dart. On the other side of the ring, Freak with a hurricanrana sends Deathrow into the front two rows of fans here at ringside. Freak pummels Deathrow with a chair to the back, kicking hiim for good measure in his ass before jabbing the chair down on the lower portion of his back. Freak reaches around, finds the FORK from earlier. With gleam in his eyes, he jabs the fork down once, twice, three times to Tommy's forehead. Little rivers of blood, more like trickles, trace their way down from the wounds. Here comes KKP being launched like a lawn dart again, this time on the side of the crowd where Freak is looking for a big time kick to Tommy's face.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Look at the utter domination by The Freak Show on the fan favorite Sexy Adorable Dumps.
BILL HEWSON: That's Drunks.
JACK JONES: I tend to agree with LIAM on this one.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Shut up Jack.
JACK JONES: But I --- hey!
KKP slams onto the concrete, wincing as his back makes hard contact with the even harder floor. He sits up from the impact and as Shut Down walks closer, KKP uppercuts him right in the crotch. Shut Down laughs as he pulls a cup from his trousers... KKP smiles back. Another punch and Shut Down stops laughing. KKP shoves up to his feet as Freak dives in with a spear, Paul side steps. Freak slams into Shut Down, but manages to soften the blow somewhat. Paul picks Freak up, Irish whip into a door sends them busting through and into a hallway crowded with people. Shut Down limps over to Deathrow, who shoves up, buttered popcorn held in his hand.
LIAM SHEPHERD: What does he think he can accomplish with f'n popcorn?
Deathrow tosses the popcorn into Shut Down's direction, but it is a faint as he delivers a jab into his side. Deathrow doesn't wait as he delivers another shot, a third. A leg sweep sends Shut Down down on his back. A blonde reaches into her pocketbook, pulling out a pair of handcuffs. Deathrow looks at the cuffs, the woman, and back at the cuffs as he raises his eyebrows; the woman blushes. Deathrow cuffs Shut Down to the railing at ringside before delivering a boot right to his face. Deathrow walks after Freak and Paul, intending on doing some damage.
LIAM SHEPHERD: How... illegal!
BILL HEWSON: But it is ok for Freak and Shut Down to do it?
JACK JONES: Depends on the situation. I mean, if we're talking in the bedroom, well ---
LIAM SHEPHERD: You're full of it, Jones. The Freak Show are awesome and are going to take out your precious SAD!
Freak sends a right into Paul's gut, but KKP shrugs it off in favor of a fire extinguisher hanging on the wall. He turns around, spray to the face and Freak goes down. Paul walks over spraying him with liberal amounts of the contents before tossing the weapon aside. Paul picks Freak up, whip into the wall, Freak counters with one of his own. Paul slams into another door and we are in the locker room area. Freak wipes at his face before stumbling through the area and finding a utlity room. Opening the door, he finds a broom... and what looks like a bottle of rubbing alcohol. Freak smiles to himself before shutting the door, both weapons held in his grasp. Handle to the back of KKP has him writhing in pain, but he manages to trip Freak down on his ass. KKP up quickly, boot to Freak's ribs before he picks up the handle, bringing it down repeatedly on Freak's body whelping him up with precision and glee. KKP turns to find the jug of rubbing alcohol.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Well maybe, I gotta say, the SAD are f'n hardcore. And I can respect that.
JACK JONES: Me too!
LIAM SHEPHERD: I don't respect you.
BILL HEWSON: This isn't looking good for the Freak!
KKP tosses The Freak out into the hallway. Freak is bloody on his body from the different weapon shots, his face a red mess. Paul grabs an empty beer bottle from a garbage can
CRASHSHATTER
The bottle explodes into a thousand tiny shards over Freak's head. And then...
KKP opens the bottle of rubbing alcohol and laughs as he pours the contents of the jug, the entire content of the jug, on Freak's freshly opened wounds. Freak screams out as the rubbing alcohol disinfects his various wounds --- in painful fashion.
Back in the arena, a dumpster is being pushed by Tommy Deathrow down the aisle and towards the ring. Climbing up to peer in, Deathrow pulls out a kendo stick and the crowd goes wild, absolutely wild... Original ECW wild as Deathrow looks over at Shut Down who is struggling to free himself. Deathrow lights him up a cigarette, takes a swig of beer before walking over to Shut Down.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
Deathrow looks at his handywork, then unlocks the cuffs with the key the woman gave him, Shut Down gets back up to his full height. Deathrow looks up at his massive frame and shoots him a bird. Shut Down roars, Deathrow with a kendo stick shot and a dodge, laughing the entire while; while smoking the cigarette as well. Shut Down gives a bit of chase, but Deathrow was wanting just that. Shut Down tosses a chair, Deathrow stumbles allowing Shut Down to catch up to him. He takes the still burning cigarette, he puts it out on Tommy's forehead before lifting him up to a big man press slam... into the nearby dumpster!
LIAM SHEPHERD: That won't feel good in the morning.
BILL HEWSON:For someone who is supposed to be revolutionary, you sure are boring.
JACK JONES: Hush Bill...
LIAM SHEPHERD: Smartest thing you've said all match Jonesy.
Shut Down lifts Deathrow up, powerslam onto the concrete before he looks in the dumpster for himself; he pulls out the very basic, but pain enducing... cheese grater. He drags it down Deathrow's back, bringing forth blood, and grunts of pain from Tommy. Shut Down sets up two chairs onto the announcers' table before lifting Tommy up onto his shoulders in a powerbomb position, he rushes forward... running powerbomb onto the chairs and through the table!
JACK JONES: Wazzzzzzzz.
LIAM SHEPHERD: (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)
Here comes The Freak and KKP battling through the crowd, both men sending fists of fury towards each other and a very strong scent of rubbing alchool hangs in the air around the two men. Freak is smiling through a mouth of blood stained teeth as KKP is now sporting a very sexy crimson mask. Shut Down reaches past the wreckage of the table, grasping KKP by the nape of the neck and bringing him over the railing. KKP tries to fight back, but Shut Down slams him onto the closed top of the dumpster. Freak jumps over the railing and begins to pull out tables from under the ring, the crowd loving tables. The crowd may hate Freak Show, but they love them some wood. Freak sets up the table, placing a few trash can lids on top of the table before climbing up top to pull KKP up and deliver a very devastating blow.
LIAM SHEPHERD: This match is over now! Get 'em boys!
BILL HEWSON: Glad to see that you and Jack have something in common. Such as, the complete lack of journalistic integrity.
JACK JONES: You think so?
LIAM SHEPHERD: Absolutely not. Hey, I'm here to spice things up --- you're the boring biased guys, I'm going to f'n like who the hell I wanna like! And I LOVE The Freak Show, your tag team f'n champs!
Freak motions for Shut Down to quickly move the table set up into the ring, so that he may make the pin after the devastation caused; Shut Down gladly obliges. Freak lifts Paul up... KKP COUNTERS! Back drop onto the lid of the dumpster, he spins around quickly, boot to the midsection of Freak... POWERBOMB!
JACK JONES: HOLY HELL!
BILL HEWSON: Freak just powerbombed through that debris!
The crowd begins a "Holy Shit!" chant as Freak lays amid the wreckage and Shut Down looks shocked. KKP falls to the lid, gasping for breath and Shut Down turns around. He lifts Tommy up Shake Machine!
NO! SWEATY BALL CLAW!
Shut Down shoves Tommy off, gagging and trying to rid his mouth of the taste. KKP drops down, throwing up the lid to the dumpster, he and Tommy manage to get Shut Down into there and... padlock it shut!
LIAM SHEPHERD: HEY COME ON WHAT THE EFF IS THIS?
JACK JONES: It's called NO RULES, chunky!
BILL HEWSON: Shut Down is in the dumpster, he can't get out! Krusty Kid Paul into the ring quickly, he locks on a cloverleaf on the only remaining member of The Freak Show, in The Freak!
LIAM SHEPHERD: NO!
Tommy hooks the head.
SPIKED!
JACK JONES: The Hangover!
The Freak planted right into the canvas. John Sharplin slides into position! ONE, TWO, THREE!
TRENTON OSWALD: ... But... oh no...
BILL HEWSON: Announce the WINNERS, you fat disgusting slob!
JACK JONES: WOW.
BILL HEWSON: What?
JACK JONES: You were just... MEAN!
TRENTON OSWALD: HERE ARE YOURRRRRR WINNERRSSSSSSS --- AND THE NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS --- SEXY ADORABLE DRUNNNNNKS!
LIAM SHEPHERD: And totally out of line Hewson, that's f'n bullshit and you know it, I don't know why Zouave hasn't fired your dinosaur ass yet but ---
BILL HEWSON: ZOUAVE isn't the commissioner of NAPW, ZOUAVE isn't the -owner- of NAPW, and I'm going to call it like -I- see it from here on in, Shepherd --- and maybe you can learn how to do your job! The one you're apparently so good at!
LIAM SHEPHERD: YOU WANT TO F'N START SOMETHING OLD MAN? YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING?
Shepherd is standing out of his chair, leaning towards Bill Hewson, who doesn't back down, but doesn't stand up either. Jack Attack tries to stay between them.
BILL HEWSON: Sit down Shepherd, you're embarrassing yourself. The NEW Tag Team Champions, for the second time ---
Liam grabs Hewson by the collar ---
AND JACK JONES SHOVES SHEPHERD BACK AGAINST THE GUARDRAIL! Shepherd swings JONES DUCKS AND KNOCKS LIAM DOWN WITH A VINTAGE JACK ATTACK RIGHT HAND! Jones pulls off his tacky polyester jacket and stands in front of Bill Hewson, staring down at a stunned Liam Shepherd. Jones is off-headset but can be heard saying, through a smile, calmly and yet chillingly: "Actually Shepherd, you don't get to lay your hands on Bill Hewson. You get to sit there, and call the matches. Are we clear?" Shepherd wipes his lip, stands up, but thinks better of pushing Jones, walking to the back with a trembling lip. The crowd chants "JACK ATTACK, JACK ATTACK, JACK ATTACK" --- but Jones then grabs the microphone from a gaping Trenton Oswald.
JACK JONES: You wanna chant somebody's name? Chant the names of THE MOST HARDCORE TEAM NAPW HAS EVER SEEN --- MORE EXTREME THAN ANY OF THOSE REBEL PRO JOKERS --- KRUSTY KID PAUL! TOMMY DEATHROW! YOUR NEW NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, SEXY ADORABLE DRUNKS!
"Heaven is a Place on Earth" picks back up as the crowd begins to chant "S! A! D! S! A! D!" Deathrow and KKP each receive a tag title belt from John Sharplin. Paul holds it high, dangling it as he glares across the crowd --- completely hostile even to the fans chanting his name. Tommy Deathrow looks to be legitimately joyful at once again holding tag team gold with one of his best friends, hitting the fans around ringside, group hugging as many as he can at once.
The Freak is slowly getting up in the ring ---
K-CUTTER! Paulie yells to Tommy, who unlocks the dumpster. The lid flies open violently as Shut Down attempts to escape. But KKP and STD lift The Freak up high and toss him down onto the big man Shut Down, both men falling into the dumpster. Quickly SAD shut the lid and slap the padlock on... Tommy blows kisses to the crowd, and then the Sexy Sensations begin pushing the dumpster towards... and out of... a circus tent exit!
BILL HEWSON: I don't know where Tommy and Paul are taking The Freak Show, but it's about time somebody took out the trash here in NAPW! For Jack "Attack" Jones, this is Bill Hewson saying good night --- and thank you, Jack.
The fans are going wild, The Freak Show have been beaten, SAD are champions, and Jack Jones nailed Liam Shepherd. There is something to cheer about in Calgary tonight.
Lights down.