But right now, BILL HEWSON is standing in the center of the ring with a microphone.
BILL HEWSON: Hi fans, I suppose you're wondering why I'm standing here instead of sitting at my desk. Over the past five years, I've been the man calling all the moments that have defined NAPW. The good ones, the bad ones. We've been through a lot, but...
Hewson pauses, emotional.
BILL HEWSON: Robert Joseph Winchell III couldn't do it, The Crimes couldn't do it, the Faces of Death couldn't do it. Of all the despicable things I've seen, nothing was going to keep me from doing my job, because there have been so many amazing moments and people. But I can't...
Last week we saw this... this character named Zouave, who we know nothing about, take even more power in NAPW and it sickened me right down to my core. It wasn't wrestlers in this ring, it wasn't WRESTLERS beating up other wrestlers... it was security guards beating down NAPW wrestlers, preventing them from saving an NAPW WRESTLER from receiving an even worse beating at the hands of some biker thugs. Not wrestlers.
Hewson sighs deeply.
BILL HEWSON: I can't... I won't be a bystander. I won't 'call this action.' I won't condone it by doing nothing. I've been involved in this business for the better part of forty years and I've never seen anything like what has happened over the past few weeks. I went to "Wahoo" Bobby Winchell, our owner, a man I've known for almost my entire career, and tried to get some answers. He... wouldn't even see me. A friend for three decades and he wouldn't take my calls or look me in the eye. And that's when I realized whatever New Alberta Pro Wrestling is becoming, I want no part of it. I came out here tonight to say thank you, to all of you great NAPW fans. It's been my honor, and my privilege, for these past five years.
Thank you.
The fans are stunned as Hewson puts down the microphone and looks over the crowd with glistening eyes. He shakes his head in apology... the fans suddenly cheer, however, as TERRY BRANDON gets into the ring.
TERRY BRANDON: Bill, I know how you're feeling, hell, I'm the COMMISSIONER of this place and I don't even know what the hell ol' Wahoo is thinking right now, but Bill, you can't leave. NAPW needs you, I need you, the wrestlers NEED you! We need somebody who cares! We can't let Zouave win, his time will come! I've been working on some things, I'm doing my damndest to keep this company on the up and up... Zouave ---
BOOOOOOOOOOOO.
The fans boo as suddenly ZOUAVE appears in his sad-clown make-up at the curtain.
ZOUAVE: Oh TERRYandthePIRATES! Just what are you DOINGin That rIng? HmmmMMMMMmmmm?
TERRY BRANDON: What are you --- never mind, don't answer. I'm out trying to keep this damn promotion alive. I'm doing my JOB and ---
ZOUAVE: MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm no you'RE Not, TER-REE. I mean what are you DOING in that riiiiNG? You... don't wOrk here!
TERRY BRANDON: Okay now you've really lost it, you goddamn---
ZOUAVE: (pulling out a piece of paper) "As of JUUU-OOON Twenty-Seven, Effective IMMediATEly, TERRY BRANdon is no longer employed by NAPW. The new commissioner is... ZOUAVE! Signed BOB-BEE WINCHELLLL." So you SEEEEE Terry, you are... TRESSpassing. And Bill, since you've quit... so ARE Youuuuuu.
And then dull-faced security guards surround the ring as Brandon looks on in shock. Bill puts a hand on Terry's shoulder. "Don't." Brandon's face is going red as he and Hewson leave the ring, security surrounding them and escorting them out as the fans boo and throw garbage. They pass Zouave by the entrance curtain, the clown smiling luridly. Brandon snarls and mutters. Hewson doesn't give Zouave any attention. Security tells them to move. Zouave looks out to the crowd, stars in his eyes.
ZOUAVE: And NOWWWWWWW... AT LAST... YOU WILL SEEEEeeeEEEE! The GREATest show on EARTTTTTTHHHHmmmmmm!
Boos and garbage rain down.
Commercial Break
TRENTON OSWALD: LAAAAAAAAADIEEEEES AND GENNNNTLEMENNNN... THE FOLLOWING CONTEST... IS SET FOR ONE FAAAAAALL...Oswald pauses. The crowd is getting a little restless.
TRENTON OSWALD: AND IT IS... AN EIGHT... MAN... TAAAAAAG MATCH!
Crowd goes wild!
TRENTON OSWALD: NOW REMEMBER, KIDDIES, THE WINNER OF THE FALL FOR THEIR TEAM WILL GET THE MATCH OF THEIR CHOOSING! INTRODUCING FIRST...
12 Stones' "Anthem for the Underdog" kicks in, and Jacob Venar walks through the curtain. He pauses at the entrance way and looks out at the booing masses. He simply responds with a smirk and shake of his head before making his way to the ring.
TRENTON OSWALD: NOW INTRODUCING... TEAM NUMMM-BAH ONE! FIRST... FROM BRRRRITISH COLUMBIA, OH-CANADA, WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND FORRRRTY POUNDS... "THE FALCON"... JACOB... VEEEEENARRRR!
Venar slides in and takes his team's corner as his music dies and is replaced by Tupac's "Troublesome '96", bringing out Justin Case, who taunts the audience on the way down the aisle and lets them all know that he rules this effin' show.
TRENTON OSWALD: HIS PARTNER... FROM EDMONTON, ALBERTA, WEIGHING IN AT TWO-HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIIIIVE POUNDS... "THE MILLLLL-ENNN-I-UMMM GAMMME-UH" JUSTIN... CASE!
Case steps through the ropes and shows the fans how he feels... with his middle fingers extended. Linkin Park's "Faint" cross-fades over it, and Roddy Mac methodically walks down the aisle, paying no attention to the heavy boos and jeers.
TRENTON OSWALD: AAAAANNNND THEIR PAT-NAH! FROM DETROIT, MICHIGAN... WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND FIF-TY-NINE POUNDS... RODDY... MAC!
Roddy Mac enters the ring and begins conferring with his teammates in the corner as...
"Can you feel that?"
OOH-WA-AH-AH-AH!
"Down With The Sickness" kicks in, and Jeffery Roberts graces his way through the curtain, NAPW World Title around his waist. The crowd threatens to riot as they rain their displeasure down on the champ. Roberts, however, basks in the moment as if he were being given the Road Warrior treatment.
TRENTON OSWALD: AND, FINALLY, THEIR FINAL PARTNER! HAILING FROM MIAMI, FLORIDA... WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE POUNDS... HE IS YOUR NEWWWW ALLLLBERTAH PRO WRESTLING WORRRRLD CHAM-PEEN... JEFFERRRRRRRRY... RRRRRROBERTS!
Roberts steps up to the apron and pauses to look over the angry mob surrounding the ring... and gives them a wave. He meets up with his team and removes his title belt as Disturbed fades away.
Not for long! In Flames takes it away, and "Come Clarity" brings out Jay O'Brien... and the cheers! Jay tries to rally the fans as he goes towards the ring.
TRENTON OSWALD: *Yawn* OH, AND THEIR OPPONENTS, I GUESS... FIRST, FROM BRADFORD, ENGLAND, WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS... "THE LAST WORD"... JAY... OHHH'BRIEN!
Jay skids under the bottom rope and quickly leaps to his feet, making sure to keep his distance from the opposing forces. He points to all of them in a threatening manner, causing the other team to chuckle amongst themselves. Taunting begins as Rob Thomas's voice attempts to soothe the mood...
"OR LET'S FO'GET ABOUT IT!"
Well, there isn't any soothing... but plenty of POPPIN'! "Smooth" seeps out of the speakers, bringing out Chris Casino. He seems unaccustomed to the positive reaction, but shrugs and soaks up the moment anyway.
TRENTON OSWALD: HIS PARTNER, FROM LASSS VEGASS NEVADA, WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY POUNDS... CHRISSSS... CASINO!
Casino joins his teammate with the heckling of their opponents. Middle fingers and harsh words are exchanged, but they're stopped with a...
THUMP
Corrosion of Conformity's "Dirty Hands, Empty Pockets (Already Gone)" blares as Steve Parker makes his way down the aisle. The bruising around his eye has gone down, but not completely away, his dome is still marked with lines from where the stitches were, and athletic tape wraps around his midsection. He tries his best not to show any pain, but the slight limp gives him away.
TRENTON OSWALD: AAAND THEIR PARTNER... FROM BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTES, WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND NINTEEEEN POUNDS... THE STAH-SPANGLED SENSATION... STEEEEVE PARKER!
Parker steps onto the apron and proceeds to burn a hole through the four men across the ring from his team. No Smile tonight, but definitely some "Wild Rover"! The crowd goes nuts for the Dropkick Murphys and Lloyd Rees as he charges down the aisle. He slides in and makes toward the opposite corner, but his teammates hold him back as Jeffery Roberts and Company smirk and chuckle at his expense. Trenton Oswald almost hit the ground running, but he pulls himself together long enough to finish introductions.
TRENTON OSWALD: AND... FINALLY... FROM WABANA, BELL ISLAND, NEWFOUNDLAND... WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-THREE POUNDS... LLLLLLLLLOYD... REEEEEEES!
Trenton steps out of the ring as the teams decide who should start. Lloyd Rees makes it ABUNDANTLY clear he wants to start, to which his partners conceed. Reed then points out Jeffery Roberts and calls him out. Roberts looks to his teammates, shrugs, and steps forward, asking Rees if that's what he really wants. Rees nods, and Roberts... steps back and tells Jacob Venar to start. The ring clears except for the two legal delegates, and referee John Sharplin calls for the bell to kick things off.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Here we go, starting off with Lloyd Rees and Jacob Venar. These two have some history, sorta on again, off again partners. Just couldn't gel together in the past, so this shouldn't be strange for these two.
JACK JONES: As "cool" as it would be to see old rivals go at it, I am a little sad to see Jeffery Roberts not start with Rees. I mean, I'm sure there's a logical explanation...
LIAM SHEPHERD: 'Course there is, ya codger. Gotta keep the champ fresh so he can school these fools.
JACK JONES: Hey, just because I'm eligible for a discount at the buffet, even though I'm banned from there, does NOT make me...
LIAM SHEPHERD: Collar-and-elbow tie-up!
A fair start to this match sees Rees and the Falcon locking up. The two feel each other out, then Venar goes under and behind with a hammer lock. Rees takes a second to collect his thoughts, then counters with one of his own. Venar reaches around and gets a headlock on, but Rees quickly lifts him with a backdrop suplex attempt. Venar wiggles and brings the momentum back his way into a headlock takedown. Sharplin slides in to check Rees' shoulders and starts to count... but Rees lifts and quickly moves the two back to standing. One shove-off later, and Venar is bouncing off of the ropes and charging back. Shoulder block... Venar falls flat! Rees' turn to hit the ropes as Venar stands, and the Falcon ducks under the charging Rees, then leapfrogs over on the other rebound. Venar catches Rees with an arm drag on the last charge, but Rees is back up, giving him an arm drag of his own. Venar dashes in... but gets back dropped! NO! Lands on his feet and rebounds again! Venar goes for a head scissors... but as he goes across Rees' body, Rees catches him with a side slam! Venar bounces up in pain... BIG belly-to-belly suplex! Venar's a little slow to get up this time, and Rees swoops in with a DDT From The Green from behind! Cover!
One...
Two... easy shoulder up!
Rees tries to get ahold of Venar, but the Falcon slips away and rolls to his corner. He tags in Roddy Mac, who mows Rees over with a Yakuza kick before Lloyd notices the tag-out.
LIAM SHEPHERD: WOW! That'll leave a mark!
JACK JONES: There goes Lloyd's modeling career...
Roddy picks up Wabana's own and quickly throws him over his shoulder... Powerslam!
LIAM SHEPHERD: VINTAGE RODDY MAC!
JACK JONES: Michael Cole, is that you? You owe me from that time in Vegas...
LIAM SHEPHERD: Eff you, oldie!
JACK JONES: Oh... it's just you.
Roddy Mac picks up Rees again over his shoulder and walks to the corner. Ramrod! With Rees leaning against the buckles, Mac pushes Lloyd's jaw and forces him to bend backward over the turnbuckle. Mac slams a big forearm across the exposed chest of Lloyd Rees, making the former Lemon Drop Kid gasp for air. Roddy pulls him out of the corner and holds him up in his arms, cross body style.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Could we be seeing Roddy Mac go HOG WILD?
JACK JONES: I dunno... he looks pretty calm to me.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Just have another Metamucil and shut your effin' mouth.
Roddy Mac cocks back, ready to throw, but Lloyd Rees starts raining elbows on the side of his head. Mac drops Rees, who promptly runs him over with a clothesline! Rees rebounds as Mac stands up again... Rees with another lariat! As Rees passes over, he runs into his own corner and tags in Steve Parker. The crowd buzzes like a hive as Parker steps in.
JACK JONES: I think it's safe to say that THIS is what the fans want to see!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Yeah, some cripple throwing gravel at an oncoming freight train.
Parker gets in a "come-on-you-son-of-a-biscuit" stance... but Roddy Mac smirks and steps back, tagging in Justin Case.
BOOOOOO!
LIAM SHEPHERD: See? Roddy Mac knew it would be WAY too easy to squash Parker, so he thought he'd let the Talented One have some fun!
CROWD: MAC'S A PUSSY! *CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP* MAC'S A PUSSY! *CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP* MAC'S A PUSSY! *CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP*
Parker shares some choice words with Mac, but sees that it's no use, and turns to face the smiling, happy Justin Case. Case talks some trash and takes a second to pose for the booing fans, then goes in for a lock-up.
LIAM SHEPHERD: The pace slows back down as these two go for a battle of technical skill. I honestly don't see Parker's angle here. Justin Case is a Dungeon grad, and also out-sizes Parker by a few inches and a couple dozen pounds.
JACK JONES: Two words... "Chuck Norris"... oh and the American can-do spirit.
LIAM SHEPHERD: What did I say earlier, you friggin' twit?
JACK JONES: Hey, just passing the time as I stir. This Metamucil is thick.
Case with the go-behind and waist lock, but Parker grabs a leg from beneath and pulls, forcing Case to his back. Parker with a modified ankle lock attempt, but Case spins out and mule kicks Parker square in his injured ribs, forcing him to recoil back. Case is quickly to his feet and catches the hunched over Parker with the Benchmark! Cover!
One...
Two... EMPHATIC kickout!
Case picks Parker up and holds him in a sleeper, but Parker spins backward and locks a paintbrush on Case, forcing him backward. Sharplin check for a submission, but Case loudly claims NO! Case with a backward roll, then brings Parker to his feet with a standing wristlock. Parker pats his own shoulder... then rolls through! But Case drops down and catches Parker with a cross arm bar! Parker tells Sharplin he's not quitting, but the pain in his voice is obvious.
LIAM SHEPHERD: A technical clinic being put on by Mr. Just 2 Talented!
Parker slowly reaches his feet, still in the lock, and tries to force Case's shoulder to the mat.
One...
Two... Case spins his body and takes Parker back down!
Parker notices his feet are close to the ropes and reaches out... almost... there! Toes touch, and Sharplin calls for the break. Case stands up quickly and starts stomping a mudhole into Parker. He picks Parker up and gets him into a front face lock, dragging him to the corner. Case reaches out and tags in Jeffery Roberts, and the crowd gets HOT. Case switches up and gets into suplex position, holding one leg and exposing a side of the injured ribs to Roberts, who promptly runs and punts them as Case simultaneously hits a Fisherman's Buster.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Parker is in a heap!
JACK JONES: Yeah... and he's not looking too good lying in the fetal position, either.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Eh?
JACK JONES: Well, I was calling Roberts' team a heap, and... never mind.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Way ahead of ya.
Roberts stands over Parker, stalking him. As Parker reaches his feet, Roberts greets him with vicious roundhouse kicks to the midsection. With Parker reeling, Roberts swoops in and hits an Exploder suplex, tossing Parker across the ring. Roberts stands, and the crowd starts a-heckling. Roberts starts heckling back, not noticing that Parker is up... and has tagged in Chris Casino!
JACK JONES: Uh-oh, and now the trouble's starting.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Jeff, behind you!
The fans are on their feet, and Roberts gives them all the finger and turns around...
Right into Casino!
FISTS-A-FLYIN'!
The two go at it hockey-style, slugging it out and pushing each other along the edge of the ring. Finally, Casino gets the upper hand, landing right hands and a dropkick, knocking Roberts back... into Parker on the apron! RIGHT HAND! Roberts stumbles... into Rees! ANOTHER RIGHT HAND! ONE MORE FROM JAY O'BRIEN FOR GOOD MEASURE! Roberts bumbles out into Chris Casino's waiting arms... double-underhook back breaker! Cover!
One...
Two... kickout!
Casino brings Roberts up... brain buster suplex! He climbs the turnbuckle... then tags in Jay O'Brien! Casino dives in with the the elbow drop, and Jay takes his place. Casino stands Roberts up... MISSLE DROPKICK! Jay quickly covers Roberts.
ONE...
TWO...
SHOULDER UP!
Jay brings Roberts up while the referee is distracted with ejecting Chris Casino, and Roberts capitalizes with a low blow.
CROWD: BOOOOOO!
LIAM SHEPHERD: The young pup let his guard down, and Jeffery Roberts has made him pay!
JACK JONES: Hey! That's my signature move! I have the copyright around here somewhere...
John Sharplin turns around in the aftermath and questions Roberts, who simply shrugs. Roberts, now in control, drags Jay to his feet and takes him back down with a quick go-behind and release German Suplex. A collective groan from the audience provides a fitting reaction to Jay O'Brien being dropped on his head. Roberts grabs a handful of hair and drags Jay to the corner, much to the ref's protests. Roberts tags in Roddy Mac and holds Jay in a belly-to-back position as Mac charges. BACKDROP SUPLEX/LARIAT COMBO!
LIAM SHEPHERD: NOW'S when things get interesting.
Roddy nudges the barely budging Jay with his boot, then hoists him to his feet, laughing all the while. Mac with the lift... DEATHSPIKE! Roddy Mac starts to cover, but Roberts yells at him and tells him not to pin him yet, but to keep punishing him. Roddy Mac initially stands up and gets in Jeff's face, but takes a second to get the point and nods, a huge smile on his face. Jay starts crawling to his corner, but Mac notices and charges over, knocking Parker and Rees off of the apron. Casino tries to intercept, but the referee holds him back, trying to maintain order. Mac plants a leg drop onto the back of Jay O'Brien's head, then drags him back to the opposite corner by his ankle. His teammates swarm in and proceed to group-stomp the life out of Jay O'Brien.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Welcome back to New Alberta Pro Wrestling, mutha trucka!
JACK JONES: Worst... welcoming committee... ever.
John Sharplin finally holds back the protesting Casino, and everyone returns to the apron before the ref makes it back over. Roddy picks Jay up and tries to tag in Jacob Venar, but Jay ducks between Mac's legs and tries to sprint back to his corner. Roddy is just one step behind him, and grabs Jay's tights, pulling him back into a back brain lariat. Jay collapses, and Roddy smirks, giving his other opponents the finger. The three men try to charge in for the rescue, but the ref cuts them off. Roddy Mac hoists O'Brien up and brings him back to the corner, where Jeffery Roberts has undone a tie-string from the turnbuckle pad. Jay gets deposited back first into the corner, and Roberts chokes him with the string.
JACK JONES: Huh, the irony: a guy NAMED Roberts CHOKING somebody.
LIAM SHEPHERD: This isn't a family show, pal.
Sharplin brings the order back just as Roberts releases the hold. Mac pulls Jay out and tags in the Falcon as he places Jay in the Powerbomb position. Venar ascends the turnbuckles and leaps as Mac hoists... POWERBOMB COMBINED WITH THE LEAP OF FAITH! Venar quickly relinquishes the cover, wagging his finger as if to say that it ain't over. Venar goes back up, waiting for O'Brien to stand... WHISPERS IN THE WIND!
NO!
JAY O'BRIEN SIDESTEPS!
The Falcon crashes to the mat and Jay drops to his knees in exhaustion. The crowd starts to clap and get behind Jay, who starts to stagger back to his corner where his team is waiting. Jay is three-quarters of the way there...
RUNNING ENZIGIRI FROM VENAR!
Jay goes down like a wounded deer, and Venar gives Chris Casino a running dropkick off of the apron. Parker tries to step in, but another dropkick sends him the other way. Rees almost makes it in, but John Sharplin puts a halt on it. Boos cascade down as Jacob pulls Jay back to his corner. Venar holds O'Brien up for his teammates to take turns kicking and punching him. As Sharplin return and everyone evacuates, Roberts demands he be tagged in, and the Falcon grudgingly obliges. Roberts slingshots in and lands a leg drop, following that up with a cover.
ONE...
TWO...
THR-NO! REES WITH THE SAVE!
Roberts' teammates protest the pin attempt as Rees leaves the ring, and Jeffery tells them to shut up.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Jeffery Roberts showing why he's the boss in that ring, and why he's World Champ.
JACK JONES: He ain't the boss of me...
Roberts brings Jay up... and sends him back down with a clothesline to the back of the head. Roberts picks him up again, and clubs Jay from behind once more. Roberts goes for a trifecta... but Jay hit's a rolling mule kick to Roberts' chest, knocking him backward as Jay rolls forward! Roberts grabs the ref as he falls, and Jay beats feet to his corner, tagging in Chris Casino as he falls face first! Roberts is up...
AND HAS TO FACE A HOUSE-A-FII-YAH!
The crowd roars, and Casino is going crazy! RIGHT HAND! RIGHT HAND! ONE MORE...
But John Sharplin stops Casino!
JACK JONES: Wha-... What happened?!
LIAM SHEPHERD: The referee didn't see the tag, therefore, it's not legal! I LOVE THIS SHIZZ!
Casino tries to resist the striped shirt, but is no match for match authority. Roberts returns to O'Brien with stomps a-plenty. He picks up Jay and drags him back to the corner, getting ready to unleash a Running Liger Bomb! Roberts drags this thumb across his throat... lifts...
But no charging...
JAY HAS HIMSELF ANCHORED WITH A HANDFUL OF RODDY MAC'S HAIR!
Roddy screams out in surprise as Justin Case and Jacob Venar try to beat the hold away. Jay relinquishes the hold, and Roberts finally gets a run. However, he's got too much momentum going, and Jay uses this to hit a Hurrancanranna! Both are two their feet, Roberts charges with a lariat, but Jay ducks it, catches Roberts arm, and hits a reverse DDT! The crowd is on their feet and cheering!
JACK JONES: WHAT A COMEBACK!
LIAM SHEPHERD: I wish these fans would shut the eff up. Can't hear myself commentate...
CROWD: *CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP...*
Roberts tries to stand and take a swing, but Jay ducks behind again. Roberts tries to make another quick counter... RIGHT INTO A BRAINBUSTER! The fans are stomping now, making it sound like a thunderstorm is brewing. Both start to crawl to their respective corners.
Inching...
Grasping...
Jeffery Roberts tags Justin Case! Case runs in...
BUT JAY O'BRIEN HAS ALREADY MADE IT TO STEVE PARKER!
PARKER STARTS CLEANING HOUSE!
JACK JONES: American Patriotism is RUNNIN' WILD! In CANADA!
LIAM SHEPHERD: SOMEBODY STOP HIM!
Justin Case swings for the fences... but Parker ducks and goes behind! AMERICAN SUPLEX! Jacob Venar runs in and swings... duck! SUPER-SIZED KICK! Roddy Mac steps in... and gets clobbered with a Gamengiri! Roberts pulls himself together... long enough to take a clothesline over the top rope! Parker is FIRED UP! He turns around... and gets kicked in the gut by Jacob Venar... WING CLIPPER! Jacob is back up... but Lloyd Rees is waiting!
ROVER RINGER!
Venar goes down, but Rees didn't notice Jeffery Roberts on the turnbuckle...
SSG!
Roberts rolls through and stands up... INTO A CHRIS CASINO SUPERKICK!
LIAM SHEPHERD: WE'VE LOST CONTROL, HERE! GET BACK IN THE F***ING GAME, REF!
Roberts doesn't go down, but he's stunned, giving Casino time for...
BANKRUPT... VERSION TWO-POINT-OH!
Casino leaps to his feet and is met with applause... AND RODDY MAC'S HOG WILD.
John Sharplin tries to roll bodies out of the ring as Roddy Mac takes to the opposite corner of the dazed Steve Parker and a slowly-rising Justin Case. Roddy Mac charges...
PARKER PARRIES!
DESTROYER ON JUSTIN CASE!
LIAM SHEPHERD: NO! Roddy, you F**K!
JACK JONES: Ah, classic mix-up...
Roddy Mac looks shocked as he stares down at the "destroyed" Justin Case. He turns around...
AND DISCOVERS THAT HE LIKES HIS FOOT... SUPER SIZED!
A Superkick from Parker sends Roddy over the top rope, and Parker falls onto Case for the cover!
ONE...
LIAM SHEPHERD: NO!
TWO...
LIAM SHEPHERD: NO! NO!
THREE!
LIAM SHEPHERD: NOOOOOOO! NO, NO, F**KIN' NO!
Sharplin calls for the bell!
TRENTON OSWALD: HERE ARE YOUR WINNAAAAHS... THE TEAM OF JAY O'BRIEN, CHRIS CASINO, STEVE PARKER, AND LLOYD REEEEES!
Roddy Mac drags Justin Case out, and Roberts and Company regroup in the aisle way. The victors are standing in the ring, soaking in the hard-earned adulation of those in attendance. Casino climbs up on the middle rope, Justin Credible-style, and begins to fake cry at Jeffery Roberts. Rees and O'Brien shake hands, then help Steve Parker to his feet. Casino rejoins them, and, after a second of tense hesitation...
Offers a hand to Parker.
Parker obliges, and the two shake. The four all stand side-by-side, with the referee in the middle, and their hands are raised.
JACK JONES: Well... that went well.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Don't say a word, Jack... DON'T SAY A GEE-DAMNED WORD, YOU FOGEY!
JACK JONES: Does "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" count? Technically, not a word...
LIAM SHEPHERD: Ugh... well, I just can't WAIT to hear what Parker chooses for his match. Let's just go to commercial...
Commercial Break
PETER PANTOLIANO: Peter Pantoliano backstage with the man, by virtue of scoring the pinfall in the eight-man tag just moments ago, will receive any match of his choosing here in NAPW! Steve Parker, what are you going to do with this reward?Covered in sweat, tired, forehead still looking like garbage, Steve Parker nonetheless...
Smiles.
THE smile.
STEVE PARKER: Intern Pete, let's just say that... I've got a Golden Ticket.
Parker winks and flashes The Smile again, then walks off. Peter calls after him.
PETER PANTOLIANO: Parker! What does that... oh...
Foiled again, Peter. Now cut backstage to SELDOM-SEEN-BUT-SEEN-MORE-OFTEN-LATELY-INTERVIEWER-BOB!
BOB: H-hello wrestling fans! Bob here with the guy who's going for the Canadian Heritage Championship in just a few minutes! Danny Chaos, how do you feel going up against one of the longest reigning champions in NAPW h-history?
DANNY CHAOS: How do I feel, Bob? I feel good, man. I feel driven. And I feel a hell of a lot better than JUSTIN CASE must after he just got pinned in that eight-man. Now as for Donovan Astros...
WHAM! Speaking of the devil JUSTIN CASE from behind on Danny Chaos! Case is absolutely ENRAGED --- NO! CASE BATTERING RAM CHAOS HEADFIRST INTO THE WALL! Case talks trash as he backs off the scene, Chaos down and barely conscious on the floor! Bob yelps for help as we cut to commercial.
Commercial Break
Trenton Oswald is in the ring, sweating GIANT bullets, ready to announce the next match.TRENTON OSWALD: LADIES and GENTLEMEN! It's TIME for the NAPW CANADIAN HERITAGE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH!
The crowd buzzes in anticipation of the match.
JACK JONES: ...huh.
LIAM SHEPHERD: What, you're not excited?
JACK JONES: That guy is sweating A LOT.
LIAM SHEPHERD: You JUST noticed.
JACK JONES: I never noticed it before. That sweat is pouring off of his head like Niagra, I'll bet you that guy's ass crack is like the Nile!
LIAM SHEPHERD: How the f'n hell have you kept this job for FIVE YEARS?
Oswald wipes his forehead, which accomplishes nothing. "Set the Stage" by the Warriors hits the speakers and the fans come unglued!
TRENTON OSWALD: INTRODUCING... The CHALLENGER! He hails from Glens Falls, New York, and he WEIGHS two HUNDRED POUNDS! HE. IS! DANNY... CHAOS!
Chaos hits the aisle to a pop, but he looks a little worse for wear, holding his head.
LIAM SHEPHERD: That looks like it hurts. This guy shouldn't even f'n be out here.
JACK JONES: That's the result of the cowardly attack from that no good Justin Case. As you can see, Danny Chaos doesn't even know where he is.
Chaos rolls gently into the ring, holding his tender head. "ALL EYEZ ON ME!"
The mash-up dominates the speakers, and there is a mixed reaction from the audience as Donovan Astros hits the aisle.
TRENTON OSWALD: AND NOW, INTRODUCING THE NAPW CANADIAN HERITAGE CHAMPION! He HAILS from LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, OH YEAH! He WEIGHED IN at TWO HUNDRED FORTY ONE POUNDS! He IS! "THE GREATEST WRESTLER ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH"! DONOVAN. ASTROS!
Astros hits the ring, and just looks at Choas who is trying to regain some sort of composure. Donovan smiles. The referee calls for the bell! Donovan just circles Chaos, who is trying to find a comfortable stance, now no longer holding his head. The two competitors lock up, elbow-and-collar style, in the center. Astros being the stronger forces Chaos into his own corner and starts throwing forearms to Chaos' head. Astros, still targetting the head, snapmares Chaos to the mat and cinches in a rear chinlock. Chaos is flailing with his arms looking for leverage or an opening. Donovan is just smirking behind him as a majority of the fans begin to boo, the rest cheering on Chaos. Chaos, realizing where he is, reaches over with all the momentum he can get, and grabs the bottom rope. The referee forces the break, and Donovan Astros picks Chaos up and irish whips him to the ropes, hitting him on the rebound with a LARIAT.
LIAM SHEPHERD: BOOM, head shot.
JACK JONES: This is intelligent wrestling from Donovan Astros, targetting Chaos' weakened head for assault.
Chaos rolls on the mat, holding his forehead, virtually blind. Donovan laughs and lifts Chaos to his feet. Choas is suddenly aware of Astros and sends a desperation elbow to Astros' ribs! Knife-edge chops to the chest from Chaos! CHOP. CHOP. CHOP. Astros is backing against the ropes. Chaos, looking for momentum, irish whips Astros to the opposite ropes, and hits him on the rebound with a CLOTHESLINE-- ducked by Astros, back on the rebound with a SHOULDER that levels Chaos. Back on the offensive, Astros picks Chaos up by the head and hits a SNAP SUPLEX.
JACK JONES: THAT had to hurt! It's like all the blood rushed to Chaos' feet.
LIAM SHEPHERD: I. Don't. CARE. Geez.
JACK JONES: I'm not always talking to YOU, you know? You can leave if you want.
LIAM SHEPHERD: Good bye.
JACK JONES: SIT your ass down.
In the ring, Astros is going for an early cover.
ONE.
TWO.
Chaos, still fighting, kicks out at two and a half. Astros stands and hits a leg drop onto Chaos, NO Chaos rolled out of the way! Astros holds his buttocks as Chaos slowly gets to a vertical base and starts sending kicks and punches as Astros tries to find his own feet. Astros is sent ass-first into the corner as Choas hits his trademark front-flip drop kick on the downed Astros. Gaining momentum, but still dased, Chaos climbs to his feet and drags Astros to the center of the ring for a cover.
ONE!
Kickout before two from the champion.
JACK JONES: Chaos is looking for some momentum, trying to take this match back from the Champ.
LIAM SHEPHERD: That should be Jacob Venar in there. He got screwed. I bet he'd already have won.
JACK JONES: Whatever, Shepherd.
Chaos lifts Astros to his feet, COUNTER haymaker from Astros sends the challenger reeling! ASTROLABE! Cover!
ONE.
TWO!
KICKOUT by Chaos at the last second!
JACK JONES: Chaos just can't get a roll going, he's always being stopped short by the champion.
LIAM SHEPHERD: That's what I'm saying. Venar would already have won!
JACK JONES: Can it, Moses.
LIAM SHEPHERD: ... Moses?
Donovan Astros lifts Chaos, looking to end it. He drags Chaos to the corner, CONCUSSION CANNON! IT'S OVER!
ONE!
TWO!
THREEEEEE----- NO. WAY! CHAOS kicks out with ONE FREAKIN' MILLISECOND TO SPARE!
JACK JONES: Chaos had better do something quickly or he may not even be able to walk out of here!
LIAM SHEPHERD: HE WOULD DESERVE IT.
Astros lifts Chaos up for a butterfly suplex, Chaos shifts his weight! REVERSE INTO EDGE OF CHAOS! Astros is flailing, trying to escape from the hold that could cost him his title! He's reaching for the ropes! HE'S SO CLOSE... GOT 'EM!
Wasting no time, Chaos lifts Astros to his feet, and CHAOS FINDS SOME NEW FIRE! RAPID PUNCHES AND KICKS sends Donovan Astros reeling. Into the corner, a SECOND FRONT-FLIP DROP KICK with AUTHORITY sends Astros BOUNCING off the turnbuckle and rolling to center ring. Chaos hits the turnbuckle, 450 SPLASH! COVER!
ONE!
TWO!
THREEEEEEEEEE---------
NO!
DONOVAN ASTROS KICKS OUT AT THE LAST POSSIBLE INSTANT! The crowd is going batshit for Chaos' new fire! "CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!" Chaos does the cut-throat motion, signalling that the end is near! He's setting up Donovan for the FYIE... COUNTERED! DONOVAN EDGE-O-MATIC! Chaos' head bounces off the mat, DEAD. Donovan doesn't go for the pin, instead he lifts Chaos and sets up for the SLINGSHOT EFFECT!
Waits. Donovan appears to be thinking. Then a SICK smile... curls his lips.
JACK JONES: What is he thinking...?
Donovan Astros shifts his position... AND SETS UP FOR THE CK FINALE!
JACK JONES: That's Chad Kurtis' finisher! The fans are not liking that.
LIAM SHEPHERD: I am.
JACK JONES: Shut up, Shepherd.
Donovan Astros has Chaos... he's going to send a message to "THE SHOW!"
...
NO! CHAOS SWEEPS THE LEGS! JACKKNIFE PIN! JUST LIKE LAST WEEK!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!!
TRENTON OSWALD: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! YOUR WINNER, and the NEW! NAPW CANADIAN HERITAGE CHAMPEEN! DANNY! CHAOS!
Danny Chaos is down, holding his head, he can't believe it! Donovan Astros is freaking out, HE can't believe it!
JACK JONES: Unbelievable! Donovan Astros' arrogance just cost him the Canadian Heritage Championship!
LIAM SHEPHERD: YOU DUMBASS!
JACK JONES: It'll be a title reign for the record books, but what matters right now is that... it's over! We gotta new champion!
The ref hands Chaos the Heritage title, who, while lying on his back, holds the title up for the world to see...
Commercial Break
JACK JONES: And THEN there was the time I tried to abscond with the world's first albino platypus...LIAM SHEPHERD: Do you ever f'n shut up? Your stories are f'n balls man!
JACK JONES: Hewson liked my stories... *sniff*
LIAM SHEPHERD: And he's gone! I'm the f'n future and the future is lookin' good. Now let's do this main event shizz! There's never been a friggin' match like this one, TABLES LADDERS AND CHAIRS for the Tag titles man!
JACK JONES: Except you know, the great ladder matches NAPW has seen in the past, like the first-ever NAPW Triangle Ladder Match back in 2006 between THE CRIMES... THE DUDES... and of course THE NEW & IMPROVED D-X!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Your piehole? Shut it. Hey it's the BESTRINGANNOUNCEREVER!
The crowd rolls their eyes as Trenton Oswald, dripping sweat like it's Crisco, is back at center ring. The camera shot pans up to show the Tag Title belts hanging down from the ceiling of the Polish Hall on a long cable. Around the ring are set up multiple LADDERS, CHAIRS and TABLES.
TRENTON OSWALD: ALRIIIIIIIIIIGHT! THIS IS THE TABLES LADDERS AND CHAAAAIRS MATCH FOR THE TAG TEAM CHAMPEEEEENSHIP! LET'S BRING EM ON OUT!
The metal sounds of SPINESHANK pick up and the crowd boos heavily.
TRENTON OSWALD: First at a total combined weight of four-hundred and eighty-five pounds... XAVIER STONNNNNNE! DORIANNNNN VAAAAADE! DAMAGE INNNNNNNC!
Creed! The crowd pops!
TRENTON OSWALD: Oh yeahhhh team number two they only weight three-hundred pounds together but they are two-time tag champs SEAN & SEAMUS THE O'CONNOR BOYZZZZZZ!
"AS LOW AS YOU GO!"
CHEER CHEER CHEER
TRENTON OSWALD: Weighing in together at four-hundred ninety-three poundssssssssss! The only team here tonight that was part of the original NAPW LADDER MATCH, FIVE-TIME CHAMPIONS BRUCE "THE BEAST" RICHARDS! STYLIN' KYLE ROBERTS! THE NEW&IMPROVED DEEEEEEE-ECKSSSSSSSSS!
"OOH HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH!"
Mixture of boos and cheers but mostly cheers as the SAD come dancing out of the chute! Tommy dances with LOVE! KKP with HATE! HATEY HATE HATE!
TRENTON OSWALD: AND THE CURRENT CHAMPIONS, THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, DEFENDING THEIR BELTS HERE! Four hundred and ninety-FOUR pounds! SUPERSTAR & SHOWSTOPPA DEATHROW AND KKP, THE SEXY ADORABLE DRUNKS!
LIAM SHEPHERD: F'n epic.
JACK JONES: SO MUCH SWEAT. WHY?
LIAM SHEPHERD: This is what makes the Greatest Show on Earth! These four teams are gonna f'n tear it up! Bring the carnage!
JACK JONES: I hate you. And not with love like I hated Hewson!
All four teams are in a corner, looking up at the tag team title belts. Referees John Sharplin, Anthony Uruburu and Morgan Smythe are all at ringside, Sharplin in overall charge...
DING DING DING
HERE WE GO! The champions grab their crotches and start swinging wildly at everybody and anybody! It's a huge brawl as everybody pairs off and brawls! The big man Dorian Vade shoves Sean O'Connor down and then knocks down Stylin' Kyle! Seamus charges, Vade sends him out and over the top! Xavier Stone whipped by Deathrow, reversed, Deathrow goes into Vade! Tommy on the floor! The Beast clotheslined over by KKP, Stone dropkicks Paul over! Double clothesline takes Stylin' Kyle out by Damage Inc, and now Vade GORILLA PRESSES SEAN OVER HIS HEAD!
And tosses him to the floor onto EVERYBODY!
JACK JONES: Paging Air Ireland... assuming Ireland even HAS an airline! Do they? I'm not sure. You've got an iPhone, look it up Liam!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Shut the eff up if you're not saying anythin' useful! Talk about how Damage Inc are taking it over right in the start man! Vade making himself a table LOOK OUT! BODYSAULT OFFA THE MAN BY STONE! YEAH!
Vade is the only one in the ring after helping launch his partner up and out. He looks up, then slides out the other side of the ring and grabs one of several ladders surrounding the ring, putting it in the ring. Vade opens the ladder up, positions it, and starts to climb... Krusty Kid Paul from behind! Paul pulls Vade off the first couple rungs there and starts throwing fists. Vade fires back, but KKP ducks and doubles Vade over with a breadbasket shot. Paulie takes Vade by the arms and... puts the ladder between them? Paul has Vade by the wrists, plants his own foot on a rung and then starts yanking Vade forward! Pulling Vade into the metal ladder repeatedly! Vade slumps down and Paulie starts climbing
SPRINGBOARD O'CONNOR! Who is that --- that was Seamus! Seamus with a springboard dropkick to the side of the ladder, tipping it over! Paul lands on his feet though even as Vade is tangled up with the fallen ladder. Seamus with a backfist, Paul ducks, K-CUTTER, Seamus shoves Paul off WHANK! Sean O'Connor HUCKS A CHAIR right in the face of KKP! Seamus puts Paul down with a neckbreaker! Now the O'Connor Boys go for the ladder, but Stylin' Kyle Roberts and The Beast have something to say about that! The two fan-favorite teams going at it! Xavier Stone rolls into the ring, helping out his partner Vade. Meanwhile on the outside, Tommy Deathrow is doing some reorganizing? Two tables side by side, now Tommy puts a table on top of those two! He likes his handiwork, now he's digging under the ring?
IN the ring Seamus & Sean O'Connor are having the piss taken out of them by DX. Kyle and Beast have an OCB in either corner --- irish whip collision! No way, Sean & Seamus link arms and reverse momentum! Stylin' Kyle gets huracanrana'd down as The Beast takes a flip dropkick! Sean comes in with another, Seamus with one more! Seamus down on hands and knees, Sean leaps off the table into Beast in the corner with a celtic AIR SABU ---
CAUGHT! The Beast has Sean in his arms, he casually slings the man onto his shoulders! Seamus up, Beast big boots him down! Fans are calling for the
CHART ATTAAAAAACK!
Whammo! Sean is down! The Beast and Stylin' Kyle look at each other and high-five, then look for the ladder to climb ---
RAM A WHAMA DING DONG!
Damage Inc holding either end of the ladder and CAREEN into DX! Kyle goes down! Beast goes down! Seamus is up CRANK! Ladder lariat! Damage Inc prop the ladder on the top rope down to the ring, what's this? They've got The Beast!
DOUBLE SUPLEX ONTO THE LADDER! The Beast spasms in pain as flesh meets metal for the first of many times!
JACK JONES: We've seen a lot of ladders, we've seen chairs, we haven't seen any tables yet!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Damage Inc grabbin' Stylin' Kyle, they're gonna take him out too!
Another double suplex on that propped ladder? Maybe, except for TOMMY DEATHROW in the ring with... a plastic cooler? THONK!
HARD plastic!
TONK! In the hands of Tommy Deathrow, a cooler is a WMD --- Weapon of MAD Destruction! KKP, Sean and Beast are both outside, but Seamus O'Connor is on his feet THUNK! Stylin' Kyle was spared the ladder suplex but NOT THE COOLER! WHONK! The fans chant "STD STD"! Tommy surveys the destruction and approves. He grabs a steel chair and opens it, sitting down to enjoy a cold, refreshing...
ORANGE CRUSH!
The shaken up delicious orange beverages explode from their cans and Tommy CHUGS IT DOWN as the fans go nuts! Tommy grabs two more Orange Crushes and SMASHES THEM TOGETHER CHUG CHUG CHUG!
JACK JONES: I mean there's liking REM a lot, and liking REM a LOT!
LIAM SHEPHERD: What kind of DRUNK drinks Orange Crush!
JACK JONES: He's drunk in spirit! Just like me! Or is that drunk WITH spirits?
LIAM SHEPHERD: You even make Crown Royale uncool, f'n hell.
Now Tommy looks ready for business, grabbing the ladder and setting it up. KKP rolls back in the ring, stomping on Seamus as he does. The SAD have the ladder up and begin climbing either side! They're over halfway, it could be sexy championship time already!
But Kyle Roberts is looking to change that equation, setting up a ladder BESIDE the one SAD are on! He climbs as fast as he can while Tommy and Paul are almost at the top. Xavier Stone gets on the other side of Kyle's ladder and does the same! Tommy reaching out for the tag belts, fingertips brushing them, shot from Kyle! Stylin' Kyle has Tommy doubled over WAIT A MINUTE!
MOOSE JAW DRIVER OFF THE LADDER! TOMMY AND KYLE ARE DEAD!
On the other side, KKP trying to get the belts down! Stone with a punch! KKP backfist, Stone almost takes a fall...
ENZIGURI TO KKP! On the ladder! Paulie sags, the lights dimming in his eyes... Stone hooks the head OH MY GOD SPINNING DDT FROM THE LADDER! STONE AND PAULIE ARE DEAD!
AND THE BEAST IS GOING TO CLEAN UP! The Beast climbing up the ladder! The crowd is on their feet --- THEY HAVEN'T SAT DOWN!
LIAM SHEPHERD: The Beast is f'n climbing! And he's all alone!
JACK JONES: SIX-TIME TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS oya forgot about the O'Connor Boys!
LIAM SHEPHERD: F'n tool Sean & Seamus the twins goin' up!
Sean & Seamus climb the second ladder as Beast is trying to get the belts down, but the OCB aren't about to let that happen! Sean across from Beast, Seamus beside! HEADBUTTS! They grab Beast's face and smash it into the top of the ladder! Beast still hanging on...
SEAN WITH AN MDK SUNSET FLIP ON BEAST!!!
LIAM SHEPHERD: MOTHER @%$*!^!
JACK JONES: HOLY HELL!
Here we go HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT! The crowd can't believe what they've seen as Sean and Bruce are down in a pile!
JACK JONES: SEAMUS IS ON TOP, SEAMUS IS ALL ALONE!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Fumblin' with the strap, he's just gotta get those damn belts!
The crowd's cheering suddenly turns to HORROR, however...
As DORIAN VADE rises from the dead! Vade is on the opposite side of the ladder from Seamus, and he LIFTS IT UP! TIPPING IT OVER! SEAMUS HOLDS ON BUT FLIES OFF OVER THE TOP ROPE RIGHT TO THE CONCRETE BELOW! NOTHING TO BREAK HIS FALL!
JACK JONES: Oh hell! Seamus O'Connor might be out of this one!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Right on the concrete, that's awesome!
JACK JONES: You can't LOVE seeing guys get hurt! This is about tag team gold, this is about sacrifice!
LIAM SHEPHERD: And that little Boston !%*! going SPLAT on the concrete from fifteen feet up! What an f'n match!
Dorian Vade angril shoves the one ladder away. The other is still standing, but Vade doesn't climb it. Instead he moves it to the side of the ring?
JACK JONES: The titles are up THERE, dummy!
But Vade seems to have something in mind... something twisted. Vade grabs the second ladder, closes it up, and... wedges it in a corner! Vade pulls Stone up and points outside. Damage Inc head outside and grab a table, sliding it into the ring! What the heck are they doing? Stone brings in a couple chairs as well! They set the table up in another corner! They have Stylin' Kyle Roberts, IRISH WHIP INTO THE WEDGED LADDER! Tommy Deathrow WHIPPED INTO THE TABLE!
CRASH!
Chair shot to the back of Krusty Kid Paul, one for Bruce as well, but Damage Inc now have their sights set on... an O'Connor Boy. Sean O'Connor. They pick him up and... what the hell are they DOING? The first ladder put back center ring! They're slipping Sean THROUGH the rungs of the set-up ladder! The arm pits are caught, the knees are bent down, Sean is trapped in the ladder! He tries to get out, it's too awkward.
And Damage Inc still have chairs.
WHAM! Against the steel ladder, the tremors rattling Sean! Another to the ladder! Another! OH TO THE LEGS! OH ON THE ARMS! TO THE LADDER! The fans boo as Vade & Stone are toying with Sean O'Connor! Sean sags, worn out, trapped in his ladder prison as both members of Damage Inc add insult to injury by CLIMBING THE LADDER HE'S IN. Vade viciously stomps Sean's head on his way up. Stone is almost to the top! Vade closing in! Damage Inc could win this thing!
But Sean O'Connor, all 150 pounds of him, is not giving in! He's trying to get free, squirming, but he can't make it... so he starts moving his weight frantically from side to side! At the top Stone reaches out, but almost loses his balance and grabs back on the ladder! The tag title belts are within reach but neither member of Damage Inc can quite get their balance...
SEAMUS SPRINGBOARDS IN AND DROPKICKS THE LADDER! IT FALLS SIDEWAYS AND DAMAGE INC ---
STONE CROTCH FIRST ON THE TOP ROPE! VADE HITS THE CANVAS HARD!
And Sean is still trapped, but Seamus --- himself bruised up --- starts extricating his brother from the wreckage. That ladder is toast. Tommy is picking himself up in the wreckage, as Kyle is holding his back from the ladder shot. The Beast and KKP are getting up. Damage Inc are down.
JACK JONES: It's like a human car wreck!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Only even better, no cops telling you to move along!
Sean O'Connor lies on the edge of the apron, pretty shaken, as Seamus grabs a steel chair and wields it. He swings wildly at the nearest bodies, looking slightly crazed! Almost takes off The Beast's head --- KKP FROM BEHIND! BOTTLE OPENER ON SEAN O'CONNOR! Paul gets up --- THE BEAST FROM BEHIND! COBRA CLUTCH...
BOMB!
Paul is down, TOMMY DEATHROW! Big kick to the gut of the Beast, POWERBOMB! POWERBOMB ION THE BEAST! HOLY! Deathrow turns around ---
KYLE ROBERTS WITH A STYLESKICK! Stylin' Kyle is STANDING! He's the ONLY ONE! Kyle looks out at the fans, looks at the bodies around the ring...
He taps the side of his head.
SMARTER THAN YOU!
Stylin' Kyle grabs the 2nd, untrashed ladder and sets it up in the middle of the ring... and then it's BASEBALL SLIDES! Baseball slide to KKP! OUTTA THE RING! To Tommy! OUTTA THE RING! Vade eats on and knocked to the floor! Same with the O'Connor Boys! Kyle has cleared the ring, and helps up The Beast. New & Improved D-X are ALONE in the ring! And now... THEY CLIMB!
LIAM SHEPHERD: @&%! There isn't anyone to stop them! This sucks!
JACK JONES: History will be made here tonight! New & Improved D-X ONCE AGAIN Tag Team Champions... uh oh! Here comes trouble! GRADE "A" TROUBLE!
LIAM SHEPHERD: What the eff are these two losers doing?
JACK JONES: I'm thinking PAYBACK! From like FIVE YEARS AGO!
The crowd BOOS as THE MOOSE MARK MILLAR and WAYNE WRITE --- GRADE "A" ALBERTA ATTITUDE --- charge down the aisle and get into the ring! They get in and start pushing the ladder over, but Stylin' Kyle and The Beast are wise to it! They each leap off and land on the canvas... The Moose and Wayne Wright jump them! Wayne tries to clothesline The Beast, but Bruce ducks and it's time for ANOTHER COBRA CLUTCH... BOMB! The Moose hoists Stylin' Kyle up on his shoulders, ROUGHNECK --- Kyle elbows! Fights his way out and gets behind The Moose!
EMERALD FUSION!
And Stylin' Kyle Roberts stares at his hands.
The Beast's brows furrow.
Roberts looks up, eyes wide. And then suddenly he unfolds a steel chair in center ring! He grabs Wayne Wright...
EMERALD FUSION INTO THE OPEN CHAIR.
The Beast picks up The Moose...
THE CLAW.
JAMMED DOWN MOOSE'S GULLET.
The Moose fights but fades, fades, eyes closing in unconscious as a twisted Beast plunges his fingers beneath Millar's tongue...
LIAM SHEPHERD: Holy #&*! I didn't know these goofs could be so... DEADLY.
JACK JONES: That's the OLD-SCHOOL Beast we all know and love! And as for Kyle, have we just seen the return of the MAN WITH THE BLOOD ON HIS HANDS?
Stylin' Kyle and Beast stare at each other, each man looking frightening...
And then they break out in grins! The apprehensive crowd cheers as Stylin' Kyle and The Beast high-five, then pose for the fans.
Meanwhile on the OUTSIDE of the ring, Tommy Deathrow and Dorian Vade are brawling! Vade puts Tommy on top of a table and gets on top himself. INVADER on the table? Tommy is fighting! Tommy Deathrow and Dorian Vade brawling on top of a table!
THE BEAST OUTTA CONTROL PLANCHA ON TOP OF BOTH GUYS THROUGH THE TAAAAAAAAAABLEEEEEEE!
JACK JONES: HOLY HELL!
Meanwhile Kyle tries to set up the ladder only to realize it's trashed as well. He rolls out of the ring looking for some more. He tosses one in, but as HE does, Sean O'Connor is putting one in as well... and so is Krusty Kid Paul! The Beast, Vade and Deathrow are all totally down after that insane over the top rope move by The Beast, laying in the wreckage of the table. Xavier Stone and Seamus O'Connor are both down on the outside, trying to recover.
In the ring it's a THREE-WAY RACE as KKP, SKR and SOC all put their ladders up and start climbing! They get to the top, all three reaching out for the belts. PUNCHES! Punches are happening! Will any one man get the advantage? Suddenly Stylin' Kyle and Sean focus on KKP, who is in the middle ladder! They sock him repeatedly, and Paul falls to the canvas! Now it's Stylin' Kyle and Sean fighting on top, they both transfer to the middle ladder for better leverage! They're brawling, reaching...
When little DEXTRO hits the ring and pushes over the ladder! Stylin' Kyle crashes on the top rope OWIE while Sean flies TO THE OUTSIDE THROUGH A TABLE! CRAAAASH! Oh my Goodness!
Dextro, the lovable meth orphan, is so excited to have helped out his good friend Krusty Kid Paul, helping Paulie up. Paul smiles at Dextro...
K-CUTTER!
BOOOOO!
LIAM SHEPHERD: I gotta say KKP isn't such a bad dude. He's f'n evil and I get off on that.
JACK JONES: NOW I'M IMAGINING IT I HATE YOU.
Krusty Kid Paul has a chance here... but WAIT! Seamus O'Connor is on the ring apron! HOTSHOT to KKP! Paul staggers as Seamus leaps back up to the ring apron! HURACANRANA! Both men on the concrete, in pain, but Seamus fights through it and gets to his feet! He puts Krusty Kid Paul on a table outside and...
Xavier Stone attacks! Seamus ducks the chair shot and DROPKICKS IT INTO STONE'S FACE! Seamus puts Stone on the table beside KKP! And now he grabs...
A LADDER!
LIAM SHEPHERD: He's not putting it in the ring, that's f'n stupid, what's he doing?
JACK JONES: Sometimes... the adrenaline gets the better of you!
Seamus is CLIMBING THE LADDER on the outside of the ring! He gets to the top, the crowd is standing --- THEY HAVEN'T SAT DOWN! KKP and Stone are dazed! Seamus on top of the ladder, he makes the sign of the cross ---
IRISH!
INSIGNIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
KASPLODE!
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! Referees check on all three! Seamus may have eliminated KKP, Stone AND himself from this match!
Beast, Deathrow, Vade still down on the other side! Kyle is on the outside, holding his goolies after that rope fall! And Sean O'Connor is alone in his OWN asploded table! There is nobody climbing for the belts right now...
JACK JONES: I've never seen a DRAW in a ladder match but we might be seeing one right here!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Bull%@$! This match'll go on even if we have to send these f'n wimps to the hospital! THE FANS WANT F'N CARNAGE!
JACK JONES: You've NEVER been in the ring, and you're making me SICK. These aren't toys to wind-up, these are MEN! They do this for glory and competition, not to titillate sadists like you and your ZOUAVE creep!
LIAM SHEPHERD: You mean your BOSS Zouave, and that's what these fans want! They want bloody destruction! Listen to them!
JACK JONES: NAPW fans don't want to see anybody ENDED --- NOW WHAT?
The referees are checking on all of the match participants. Stylin' Kyle looks the best out of the lot but he's moaning about 'Little Kyle.' The fans are buzzing as the wrestlers try to recover, but they've all taken a beating and a half.
Suddenly two men jump out of the crowd, two men we recognize as...
"TECHNICAL GRAVY" JIMMY JONES!
"Rebellious," "Rivalrous," "Ridiculous" Stevie Canevie!
The SAVIORS OF SEMI-PROFESSIONAL BACKYARD WRESTLING!
The SSPBW hit the ring and grab a ladder... what are they DOING? The Saviors climb the ladder as everybody is down, making it to the top! They... WHAT THE HELL?
THE SAVIORS PULL DOWN THE TAG TEAM TITLE BELTS!
LIAM SHEPHERD: New f'n champions!
JACK JONES: What are you, high?
Gravy and Canevie hold the tag belts high as John Sharplin gets in the ring. They each grab a hand of Sharplin and have him 'raise' their hands in 'victory.' Sharplin jerks away. He's telling them to get the hell out, they're ruining the match! The fans are booing loudly as Sharplin yanks the title belts away from the Saviors and tells them to hit the bricks. "We pulled the belts down, we're the champions!" "Yeah!" "YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THE MATCH!" The Saviors continue to argue with Sharplin and pull the belts back out of his hands!
"Seriously?"
Still wincing, Stylin' Kyle is in the ring behind the Saviors! The crowd cheers... Sharplin looks right at Kyle, over the Savior's shoulders. Gravy and Canevie turn around...
DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE by Stylin' Kyle! They get back up, another double clothesline! Kyle rolls outside of the ring and slides in a table! He lays Gravy Jones on it and hoists Stevie Canevie onto his shoulders...
MOOSE JAW DRIVER THROUGH THE TABLE! THE SAVIORS ARE KERSPLODED!
Kyle falls back against the ropes, shaking his head and muttering. Sharplin grabs the title belts and calls for the other referees to come in the ring. He and Uruburu hold a ladder steady as swift Morgan Smythe scales the ladder to re-attach the belts to their strap! Kyle goes back to the floor, getting his breath...
Morgan climbs back down. Sharplin and Uruburu leave the ring and confer with Oswald.
TRENTON OSWALD: THIS MATCH WILL CONTINUE!
DING DING DING!
Stylin' Kyle Roberts is the first one in the ring! He goes to the ladder under the belts, but Sean O'Connor has climbed in as well! Sean and Kyle climb up opposite sides of the ladder, they start punching at the top! Both men fall off, they can't keep their balance well right now. But DAMAGE INC are getting in the ring! Sean tries to climb again even as Dorian Vade levels Kyle with a spinebuster! Stone pulls Sean off the ladder and hits an enziguri. Sean stumbles into Vade, who hooks him even as Vade climbs up... a ladder set up in a corner! SUPLEX!
STONE OFF THE LADDER WITH A CROSS BODY!
HUGE DAMAGEPLAN!
Stone is hurting, but Vade pulls him up! Damage Inc roar as they hit their finisher on Sean O'Connor, but they're both spun around!
K-CUTTER ON VADE!
DEATHROW DRIVER ON STONE!
The SAD take out both members of Damage Inc! They bump butts...
And turn around into huge shots from Stylin' Kyle Roberts and The Beast! Bruce hoists Tommy on his shoulders!
CHART ATTAAAAACK OVER THE TOP ROPE! Tommy hits the floor! In the ring, KKP tries a K-Cutter on Kyle, shoved away INTO A BEAST LARIAT! KKP is down... and DX are in control! They look around, they spy the two ladders in opposite corners! "BUT THAT'S CRAZY!" "SOMETIMES CRAZY WORKS!"
AND DX CLIMB THE LADDERS!
KKP is getting up, he looks up... KYLE IS ON THE TOP OF A LADDER!
HE FLIES OFF AND DELIVERS A POLAR-IZER TO KKP! OH MY GOD! BOTH MEN ARE DOWN! Kyle jerks and convulses and rolls outside even as Beast has climbed up the ladder, back to the ring... he looks up as the crowd screams!
DIVING MOONSAULT OFF THE TOP OF THE LADDER ONTO KRUSTY KID PAUL!
JACK JONES: THAT WAS THE BIGGEST DOWN & DIRTY ... OF ALL TIME! OH MY GOD!
LIAM SHEPHERD: That was f'n STUPID! DX are just as hurt as KKP, maybe more! They can't win the match now!
JACK JONES: But it was AWESOME!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Nobody's gonna win this #&%! match, we're gonna be here all night. And I've got parties to go to!
JACK JONES: STUPID parties!
It is true, everybody is down... except SEAMUS O'CONNOR! Seamus gets in the ring and puts the ladder back up in the middle of the ring! He climbs up, scaling the rungs as fast as he can after the beating he's taken! He gets to the top, he's clutching...
And Dorian Vade shoves the ladder away!
SEAMUS GRABS ONTO THE BELT HOLDER! He's dangling above the ring, legs kicking! Vade grabs the ladder and starts trying to bat Seamus with it! Seamus tries to hang on, pull the belts loose... he's swinging to and fro now! And wait a minute, Seamus swings close enough to ANOTHER ladder and GRABS IT WITH HIS FEET! Seamus lets go of the belt holder, he's on top of a ladder! Vade tries to hit him ---
DROPKICK TO THE LADDER BY SEAN! Stone is up, Sean nails a roundhouse kick... and then sets him up! SEAMUS ON TOP OF A LADDER! SEAN HOLDING XAVIER STONE IN POSITION!
SEAMUS FLIES WITH A LEGDROP TO STONE!
WHATTA IRISH CAR BOMB!
Dorian Vade is back up, and the O'Connor Boys each grab a chair!
WHACK!
WHACK!
Vade is still standing, so the OCB tee up together...
CON-CHAIR-TO! Vade crashes down! Damage Inc roll out of the ring, they're kaboozled! The crowd chants OCB, OCB, OCB! They look up at the tag title belts...
WHAM! Sexy Adorable Drunks nail the OCB! Deathrow grabs Seamus... DOMINATOR! Sean spinebustered by KKP, and then Paul hooks the legs in a cloverleaf! Tommy grabs the head!
"GOODBYE!"
THE HANGOVER DDT! Sean is toasted, but the SAD aren't done! They roll out of the ring and EACH bring in a table! Seamus is slowly getting up...
What on earth? KKP and Tommy each grab their own table and SWING THEM AS HARD AS THEY CAN RIGHT INTO SEAMUS O!
JACK JONES: I've never seen a CON-TABLE-TO! Holy hell!
LIAM SHEPHERD: F'n rights!
The Sexy Adorable Drunks rub their titties, and now it's their turn to LOOK UP AT THE BELTS AND GET DESTROYED.
Because NEW & IMPROVED D-X ARE BACK IN THE RING --- AND THEY BOTH HAVE LADDERS!
Kyle rams the top of a ladder like a battering ram into KKP while Beast shoulders his and WHAMS Tommy right in the face with the top of his! Tommy rolls out even as KKP somehow is still on his feet. The Beast and Stylin' Kyle each re-adjust their ladders... What in the hell are they thinking?
JACK JONES: LADDERS DON'T SWING THAT WAY!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Um, I guess that's a... CON-LADDER-TO?!
JACK JONES: CON-LADDER-TO! Alsoyousuck.
The crowd is chanting "WHAT THE HELL, WHAT THE HELL" and going CRAZY.
You might even say they're going... KUMQUAT.
And now the New & Improved D-X put the only remaining unbroken ladder in the center of the ring and THEY CLIMB!
They're almost at the top when Seamus springboards back in and takes Kyle out with a dropkick! The ladder wobbles but The Beast stays on! His fingers are ON THE GOLD...
But Seamus' dropkick knocks Kyle into the ropes, and he can't control his momentum and CRASHES BACK INTO THE LADDER! THE BEAST SAILS OVER THE TOP ROPE THROUGH A TABLE TO THE FLOOR! KERRRRASSSSSH! Kyle looks horrified, but then Seamus hits him with a drop toe-hold and Kyle ends up draped on the middle rope! Seamus helps up a brutalized Sean... SEAMUS HOLDS A CHAIR IN FRONT OF KYLE'S FACE ON THE OUTSIDE! SEAN OFF THE ROPES!
BUSHMILLS DRILL! CHAIR TO KYLE'S FACE! Kyle kicks and holds his BEAUTIFUL FACE and rolls out of the ring! On the outside, Damage Inc are getting on the ring apron somehow they're still in this... SEAN DIVES ONTO BOTH OF THEM! They all hit the concrete and roll around in pain!
So Seamus O'Connor puts a ladder in the middle of the ring and CLIMBS for all he's worth... but the Sexy Adorable Drunks are back on their feet! Krusty Kid Paul climbs up beneath Seamus and grabs his legs, Seamus reaching out futilely as the title belts are close but he can't grab them! KKP holds the man's legs while Tommy climbs to the top and...
UNHOOKS THE BELTS! SAD HAVE DONE IT!
TRENTON OSWALD: UM... WOW... YOUR WINNERS... AND OH MY GOD STILL CHAMPIONS! THE SEXIEST, ADORABLEST DRUNKS OF ALL TIME! DEATHROW AND KRUSTY!
LIAM SHEPHERD: F'n rights, Oswald.
JACK JONES: All four teams deserved to win!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Yeah well they CAN'T, toolbox. Remember fans it was ZOUAVE who brought you the GREATEST F'N LADDER MATCH IN NAPW EVER! That's why this is NOW the Greatest Show On Earth!
JACK JONES: Forget ZOUAVE, it's all about these EIGHT MEN who put their bodies on the line for championship gold, in the name of entertaining these fans, all for the search of glory and wrestling immortality! Show some RESPECT!
LIAM SHEPHERD: Yeah, for the man who made it happen! See you later losers!
On the outside, the pain of embattled bodies is second only to the disheartening pain of knowing, for New & Improved D-X, for Damage Inc, for the O'Connor Boys, that they are walking out of Edmonton without the gold.
Tommy sits on top of the ladder, title belt in his lap, just exhausted. Paulie has perched on top of a turnbuckle. Both men are beaten, battered, bruised, a little bloody. But they are STILL NAPW Tag Team Champions.
Lights down.