MONDAY. NIGHT. FIGHTS.05/29/2006
OL' SALTY: Alright everyone! Quite down! Yer about t'here from da best wrestler in da business and he needs everyones undivided attention. He's a man d'hat needs no introduction, but I'm go'n t'give ya one anyways. He hails from Wabana, Bell Island, Newfoundland. He's a two time NAPW Provincial Champion and da man d'hat is go'n to free Newfoundland and her people from da likes of all of ye in da audience t'night...Put yer oppress'n hands t'gether fer da "East Coast Sensation", da "Lemondrop Kid" Lloyd Rees! Ol' Salty passes the microphone to Lloyd. The NAPW fans continue to boo the two Newfies. "LEMONDROP KID" LLOYD REES: Everyone shut up! I've got some important tings t'talk about here and everyone needs t'listen up. Dis involves everyone in da back and everyone upstairs in NAPW upper management. The crowd begins to chant "SHUT-UP-NEWFIE, SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP-NEWFIE, SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP-NEWFIE, SHUT-UP!" The chant causes Lloyd to play on the crowds disapproval even more as he climbs the corner and begins to wave the green, white, and pink. Back to the mic! "LEMONDROP KID" LLOYD REES: Now d'hat I've really got yer attention let me fill ye in t'why I have graced ye Western Canadian pieces of crap with me presence. Just like yer government has been take'n advantage of Newfoundland, her people, and her natural resources for years and years, a similar ting is happen'n here in da NAPW. Just as mainland Canada has oppressed Newfoundland, da NAPW has oppressed it's only Newfoundlander, me! It all started last week when I was signed t'a First Blood Match against d'hat drunk punk, Krusty Kid Paul. Maybe, da NAPW upper management though d'hat Paul could get da job done and get rid of da "Lemondrop Kid", but d'hat all back fired when I busted his head open with a vicious chair shot! But, da oppression of da "East Coast Sensation" doesn't stop d'here... Chants and boos continue to fly from the crowd as Ol' Salty eggs them on. "LEMONDROP KID" LLOYD REES: No! In fact, right here t'night da oppression continues! T'night we have a match d'hat shouldn't be happen'n at all. We have Heavyweight Champion, Devastation and TV Champion Uzi go'n head t'head. What a waste of good tv time. Instead, it should be me take'n on Devastation fer da belt! But, why would da NAPW sign d'hat match when d'hey know d'hat I would walk away with da Heavyweight Title. No, Newfoundland and her people will never prosper... The booing fans are now throwing paper and other trash into the ring. Ol' Salty takes the Republic of Newfoundland flag and starts to wave it over his head to the dismay of the crowd. Lloyd continues to talk. "LEMONDROP KID" LLOYD REES: But da worst! Da worst sign d'hat d'here is a ongo'n conspiracy against me here in da NAPW is da fact d'hat at da first ever NAPW Pay-Per-View I've been signed t'a match d'hat is a complete waste of my time! A Four Corners Survival match against "Bad Boy" Joey Malone, Mr. Slick, and The Crusher... Dis sounds like a list of people d'hat Nenji has wins over not opponents fer a wrestler of my caliber. Joey Malone?! Who da hell is d'hat? Mr. Slick?! Yet another jobber who I never heard of. The Crusher?! Didn't I already put dis guy on da shelf fer two months with a broken ankle? Hell! I shouldn't even give ye ungrateful fans da pleasure of see'n me compete at Epic, but I'm a good sport so, I will prove once again d'hat I am da premiere wrestler in da NAPW t'day when I kick everyone of d'ese jobbers asses... "I guess... THIS IS WHAT WE'VE COME DOWN TO!" And out from the entrance way to a tremendous pop, yes! It's the Monday Night Fights return of THE CRUSHER! Fort Minor's "Believe Me" blasts from the Polish Hall PA as Crusher strides to the ring. Lloyd Rees and Ol' Salty look shocked and angry, Lloyd throwing the microphone down... BILL HEWSON: Lloyd Rees didn't except one of his opponents to be here tonight, and he doesn't look nearly so noble cowering in the corner like that. JACK JONES: It really is a conspiracy, Bill Hewson. Who the heck is Crusher to come out and interrupt the man's interview? Lloyd Rees is a freedom fighter! BILL HEWSON: Oh yeah, he's a real hero. Crusher gets into the ring, the crowd chanting "CRUSHHHH-ER, CRUSHHHH-ER." His music cuts out. BILL HEWSON: We've got a staredown here... SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEARRRR! THE CRUSHER JUST SPEARED LLOYD REES OUT OF HIS BOOTS...and wait a minute... wait a minute! The Crusher isn't moving! JACK JONES: What are you talking about, he's... you're right! He's on top of Rees, and he looks knocked out. Lloyd Rees opens his eyes, blinking. He starts pushing an unconscious Crusher off of him, Ol' Salty pulling the former All-American off of his charge. The crowd is hushed, shocked. Lloyd stands up, pulls off his t-shirt... JACK JONES: It's a steel plate, Hewson, Lloyd had a steel plate strapped around his stomach! Is that brilliant or what? BILL HEWSON: This capacity Polish Hall crowd is stunned! The Crusher with a full-blast Spear, and he smashed right into that steel plate! And Lloyd Rees is sure damned proud of himself for that! And come on now! Rees covering Crusher, Ol' Salty counting to three... oh yeah, that's a real big win! Lloyd Rees stands up tall after 'pinning' The Crusher, Ol' Salty raising his arm to the sky. The crowd begins to boo Lloyd even more, to which he just grins, tapping the steel plate strapped around his mid-section. BILL HEWSON: I would not want to be Lloyd Rees when The Crusher wakes up. I wouldn't want to be Mr. Slick or "Bad Boy" Joey Malone either, because Crusher now has more motivation than ever to win that Four Corner Survival match-up at Epic! Folks, when we come back... it will be a Pure Honor contest featuring the White Collar Assassin RAVAGER... and making his NAPW debut! "Ravishing" Ron Barker! You don't want to miss it!
BILL HEWSON: I can't say I like this Ron Barker much, but he has proven that he has skill and can hold his own in the ring. The question tonight, can he do it against a former champion in Ravager? JACK JONES: Please, Bill, the "Ravishing One" has more charisma in his pinky toe than a tool like Ravager can ever hope to have. The guy is clueless, just look at that cute little number in his corner; you know he has no clue what to do with her. BILL HEWSON: This is about wrestling, Attack Jack, not The Dating Game. JACK JONES: You're just jealous of my keen powers of observation. FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is a Pure Honor rules contest, scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring, from Toronto, Ontario, weighing in at Two Hundred and Eighty Pounds... RRRRRRRRAVISHING ROOOOOOOOOON BARRRRKERRRRRRRRRR! Barker is busy winking at some local hotties at ringside and tests the ropes for elasticity. Just then, "Path" by Apocalyptica hits, and the crowd pops huge for the arrival of the former NAPW Heavyweight Champion and his manager, the lovely Tiffany. Ravager is all business and dressed very similarly to Ron Barker, his pale skin contrasting the black pads, boots, and trunks. Tiffany is sexy yet conservative-smart in her business-friendly suit. FRANK WARBURTON: Approaching the ring, accompanied by Tiffany McIntyre, from Brooklyn, New York, weighing in at Two Hundred and Ten pounds.... THIS ISSSSS RRRRRAVAGERRRRRRRRRRRRR! JACK JONES: Barker has to have at least six inches and seventy pounds on Ravager. Talk about the heavy and tall favorite here. BILL HEWSON: You know what they say, on the mat, everyone's the same size, Jack. JACK JONES: Yeah, but how can you get a man like Ravishing Ron down to the mat when he's busting your head open with a ninja kick? BILL HEWSON: You really need to go back on your meds. Let's talk about what this match means to Ravager. The winner will go on to EPIC to face El Mentiroso - whether the Mexican Sensation is champion or not. For Ravager, this is his one opportunity to be a part of NAPW's first Pay-Per-View! He's been here since day one, and it would be a travesty of justice to be left off the card, in my opinion. JACK JONES: Imagine what it would do for the career of a man like Ron Barker, though! To be in a high-profile match on NAPW's first Pay-Per-View after just weeks in the company... and going through a former Heavyweight Champion to do it! This match is HUGE, Bill Hewson, HUGE! Ravager extends his hand and Barker reluctantly shakes it very briefly. John Sharplin is the man with the plan here, and he has the bell rung. We are underway as Tiffany claps enthusiastically for her charge. Barker directs a look towards her and rubs down his abs in a suggestive fashion. Tiffany pays him no heed as Ravager locks him up from behind with a waistlock. Ravager seems to want to hit the Last Resort dragon suplex, but Barker holds his ground and nails Ravager with a rear elbow. Barker hits the ropes and drops his man with a shoulder charge. Barker hits the opposite ropes and Ravager hits the mat flat. Barker leaps over him and runs into the other side, but Ravager wisely lowers his head without telegraphing it too much. Barker sails up and over, landing on the mat with a crash. Ravager is on a rising Barker and plants him square in the middle with a DDT. Cover by Ravager, but only for two. The savvy vet applies a standing wrist lock and applies pressure to the right arm of Ron Barker, occasionally kicking at it. BILL HEWSON: Wise move to soften that area up, as Ravager tends to favor armbar and crossface submissions. JACK JONES: Ronnie Barker ain't no slouch, man, I know for a fact that he has a repertoire of submissions of his own. Ravager attempts to lock in an early crossface, but Barker uses his left to nail his man in the face and throat before dropping him with a short-arm clothesline. Barker shakes his right arm out before readying to pummel his man. John Sharplin warns him about the closed fist, but Barker ignores him and BAM! The haymaker is enough to cause future swelling of Ravager's right eye. Sharplin is not happy and gives a specified signal to Frank Warburton outside the ring. FRANK WARBURTON: Due to Ron Barker using a closed fist, he has lost his first rope break. Barker isn't happy, but Sharplin is no pushover like Henry Andrews. Barker returns to his foe and peppers him with a variety of palm strikes and chops before whipping him into the ropes and connecting with a wicked powerslam. Barker covers, but only for 2. Tiffany is looking concerned now as Barker gets a running start and flattens a rising Ravager with a running STO. Barker covers again, but Ravager kicks out at 2 once again. Barker applies a side headlock and takes a short breather while applying the pressure to his opponent. He pulls Ravager close to the corner where Tiffany is stationed and begins berating both of them like an arrogant prick. Suddenly, Ravager lifts his man up from behind for a back drop suplex, but Barker rolls with the momentum and lands on his feet. A kick to the gut is followed by The Final Decision DDT! Barker covers, but Ravager is close enough to the ropes that he immediately lays his foot across the bottom rope. Sharplin sees it and gives the signal. FRANK WARBURTON: Ravager has just utilized his first rope break! Barker doesn't seem to care as he pulls his man by the leg to the center of the ring and kicks at the thigh in hopes of causing a Charlie horse. This is quickly followed up by the Argo Stretch, Barker's take on the Texas Cloverleaf. Barker is grinning and bellowing like a madman as Ravager is in a world of pain. Tiffany is clearly upset and tries to get the crowd into it in hopes of willing Ravager to the ropes. After some moments, this seems to have an effect, and Ravager begins slowly pulling himself to the ropes. He is close, and the crowd begins cheering louder, but just then, Barker releases the hold and jumps straight up, landing butt first onto the small of Ravager's back. Barker, with a sadistic grin, pulls Ravager back to the middle and re-applies The Argo Stretch. JACK JONES: Give it up, whitey! BILL HEWSON: Have you been listening to that Reverend Tittylover fellow again? JACK JONES: None of your business who gamble with... I mean... shut up, Bill. I call him whitey because he's pale as all hell. Ravager is to pale what Kyle Roberts is to hairy. Barker has the move cinched in, but even he is a bit tired of being in that position. Ravager feels him let up just a bit and again makes the longest journey to the ropes. Barker can't believe it and tries to hold on in vain, but Ravager makes it finally and grabs the bottom rope desperately. FRANK WARBURTON: Ravager has just utilized his second rope break! Barker gets up and stomps at his man's back with a vengeance. Barker lifts him and Irish whip to the ropes. Barker executes a perfect Tilt-a-Whirl Slam that leaves Tiffany cringing. Barker into the lateral press, and Ravager just manages to kick out at 2 and 1/2. Barker is mad and gets in Sharplin's face to argue about the call. Getting nowhere, Barker turns and grabs Ravager by the head, only to be suckered and pulled into a small package. Ravager gets 2 as Barker reverses the pin and gets Ravager's shoulders on the mat. Ravager wisely kicks out of it and nails Barker with a European Uppercut seemingly out of nowhere. A somewhat dazed Ravager ducks a swing by Barker and connects with a desperation Muscle Buster. Instead of covering, Ravager regains his bearings and formulates a plan in his head. He catches a rising Barker with a swinging neckbreaker and covers, but only for 2. Ravager slams his man's face into the nearest turnbuckle and lays him face first on the bottom turnbuckle afterward. Reeling back, Ravager unleashes with The Silencer, and Barker covers his whole head in painful agony. JACK JONES: You're going to tell me that that was honorable? BILL HEWSON: It may be questionable, but it's perfectly legal. JACK JONES: Reminds me too much of American History X (shudders.) Ravager is on his man like white on rice (pardon the pun) and applies a crossface onto the tender right arm. A wise Ron Barker knows that he's near the ropes and grabs hold immediately with his free left arm, minimizing the agony. FRANK WARBURTON: Rob Barker has just utilized his second rope break! BILL HEWSON: Only one rope break remaining for each man. JACK JONES: That was a crime to steal Barker's first rope break like that. Sharplin is corrupt I tell you! BILL HEWSON: Didn't he beat you for that big office pool back during March Madness? JACK JONES: I'll never forget that! Who would have thought Florida would go all the way? Devastation assured me that UConn would be dominant! BILL HEWSON: That shows how much you can trust him. Ravager lifts a woozy Barker, but the bigger man grabs hold on the smaller Ravager and hustles him to the corner, like a weary heavyweight buying some time. Sharplin can see right through this and gets between them to break it up. Barker takes note that Sharplin's back is turned to him, so he literally reaches over the ref's head and jams a thumb into the eye of Ravager. Sharplin doesn't notice right away as Tiffany screams at him. Barker covers his crime up with a Crossface Chickenwing. Ravager is hurting as the seemingly deranged Barker really cinches in the move and gets a look on his face that reminds us of Bob Backlund. His yelling is loud enough to be heard on TV. RON BARKER: CHICKEN WING! FLY! FLY! BILL HEWSON: This man is clearly demented and sick. He blatantly violated Pure Honor rules there and got away with it. JACK JONES: It's not a violation if the referee doesn't see it. Remember Bill Hewson... win if you can! Lose if you must! But always cheat! Ravager plays possum and appears to give in. Sharplin lifts his arm once, twice, and both times it drops. The third time is the charm as Ravager waves his finger back and forth before dropping down into a jaw jammer that rocks Barker's jaw. Ravager nails him with a Northern Lights Suplex and gets his second wind, with the crowd pumped up behind him. Cover by Ravager only gets 2, and Barker replies with a throat thrust before catching his man in a schoolboy. Ravager kicks out at 2 and arm drags his man down. Ravager goes for a cross arm breaker and channels the spirit of Nobuhiko Takada. Ravager grits his teeth and cinches into the move, causing Barker to bellow. He tries in vain to free himself, but there's only one option left. Barker grabs the rope begrudgingly. FRANK WARBURTON: Ron Barker has utilized his final rope break! Ravager releases the hold immediately and bides his time. Barker pulls himself to his feet and gets kicked in the bread basket. Ravager sets up for it... Instant Karma is gonna get you? No, not this time, as Barker blocks the move and somehow finds the strength to drop his man with Perfection, a spinning variation of the sambo suplex. Both men are down and exhausted as Tiffany slaps the mat. Barker is first to stir and drapes an arm over Ravager's chest. JACK JONES: This has to be it! BILL HEWSON: I give credit to Barker for finding the gumption to hit that big finisher! COVER! IT'S OVER --- NO! So close! Just a shade of daylight between Ravager's shoulders and the canvas! The count is 2 and 3/4, but Ravager just gets the shoulder up in time. Barker can't believe it and slaps the mat furiously in frustration. Barker nails his man with forearm shivers and kicks before lifting him and setting up for another Perfection. He lifts Ravager yet again, but only this time, the former NAPW Champion cradles Barker's head downwards just in time and drops backwards into a modified DDT. Ravager is hurt too, but Barker busy holding his head again, rolling around. Both men are nearly spent as Ravager pulls himself up with the ropes and Barker pulls him back with another Chicken Wing submission. He has Ravager caught tight and falls to the mat while wrapping his legs around his opponent's waist. Ravager is near the ropes and grabs them. FRANK WARBURTON: Ravager has just utilized his final rope break! JACK JONES: It's on like Donkey Kong! BILL HEWSON: Game 7 and the score is tied! Barker lets go and takes a breather, going over his game plan. He is on Ravager shortly thereafter, and shoves him into the ropes, going for a victory roll. Ravager holds on and Barker goes tumbling backwards. He rises only to get kicked in the gut and planted with Last Resort. Ravager covers, but only TWO yet again. Ravager prepares to end it and goes for the Instant Karma again --- Barker blocks it again! He reverses, lifting Ravager high overhead for a suplex. The wily vet slips out of the move and drops to his feet. He quickly wraps Barker up in a crucifix pin, but Barker kicks out just in the nick of time. Ravager with another kick to the gut, and this time, Instant Karma catches up to Ron Barker! And the crowd goes BANANA! BILL HEWSON: What impact! Instant Karma's gonna get you! Gonna knock you off your feet! JACK JONES: What ever happened to recognizing your brothers? Ravager covers and Barker is just too spent at this point! The count is ONE, TWO, and FINALLY THREE! Ravager is very much spent too, and can barely raise his own arm in victory. Tiffany rolls in and celebrates with her client as Barker is being checked on by John Sharplin. FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner... RRRRRRRRRAVAGERRRRRRRRR! Both men are finally on their feet and Ravager immediately mouthes "Good Match" before extending his hand. Barker hesitates before finally accepting to a big pop. He rolls out of the ring, obviously disappointed, and the look on his face is hard to read. If he feels resentment, we're not 100% sure. Ravager and Tiffany hug in the center of the ring as we fade to commercial.
JACK JONES: That same disgusting tarp is covering the 16 choices again. I bet that's what a wet rabbit smells like! BILL HEWSON:: Either way, we know what the wheel is here for, and now we just need to know where it lands. The two men that will be entering the ring tonight to watch it spin are two of the most limitless men in the NAPW today, I'm worried where this wheel might take them. JACK JONES: This crowd is in shock, Bill. How could those Oilers possibly win with crowds this boring! "United Ninety-Three" by Ed Gein hits loud on the speakers and the crowd erupts as Edmonton welcomes their underdog hero, "Sick" Billy Kryenik, to the ring. Kryenik looks ready for his upcoming battle tonight, but gives a loving smile and rub to his contraption when he gets to the ring. His tag team title belt gleams around his waist, looking at odds with his rough appearance. BILL HEWSON: I think they've got it in them, Jack. BILLY KRYENIK: Welcome back to Round Two of... Pause. BILLY KRYENIK: THE WHEEL! OF DEATH! Billy Kryenik whips off the tarp and the NAPW crowd lets out a cheer for the second coming of the Wheel of Death. "Sick" Billy Kryenik smiles large and gives another faithful rub to his wheel. JACK JONES: I still hate every one of "Sick" Billy's options. BILLY KRYENIK: First of all I'd like to thank Patrick Bickle for having the balls to challenge me to spin my own wheel. Unfortunatly this little plan of yours is only going to do one thing for you; GET YOU KILLED! You want a second match? You want to come into my world? So be it. No more waiting... here are the 16 options. At this time, Billy Kryenik pulls a pair of reading glasses that look tattered enough to have been found in a dumpster on his way to MNF. And from another crevice in his attire he pulls out a small post-it note, and he begins to read in a very sarcastic, business-like tone. BILLY KRYENIK: We have...the Barbed-wire Death Match, The Beds of Barbed Wire and Nails, A Barbed Wire Bra and Panties Match. The crowd again erupts at the sounds of that match. Billy seems content with the reaction. BILLY KRYENIK: THE C4 Bomb Match, Light Tubes and Baseball Bats... TAIPEI Death Match. The crowd reacts to the first match of the Wheel of Death. Chants of "ONE MORE TIME! ONE MORE TIME!" begin from the back rows of the audience. BILLY KRYENIK: Knives Only, Falls Count Anywhere, and the revised "Jack Attack Jones" Genital Submission match. A spurt of laughter bursts in the crowd at the title of this revised event on the wheel. JACK JONES: That isn't funny. Genital submissions are a serious medical issue. BILLY KRYENIK: Texas Death Match, Flaming Tables, Fans Bring the Weapons. A hockey stick flies into the ring with the mention of fan weaponry, which sparks a deafening "OILERS! OILERS!" chant. Kryenik picks up the stick and begins to point at the slot of the wheel with each new match he reads out. BILLY KRYENIK: Thumbtacks and Beds of Barbed Wire, Loser Leaves the NAPW, a Stairway to Hell Ladder Match, and finally, the Desert Death Match. With that, we close out our 16 selections of the night. Before he can be called out, DJ Shadow hits the air and Patrick Bickle stands a short walk away from the ring. The crowd doesn't seem to know exactly how to react. Immediately Bickle and Kryenik lock eyes and the mood becomes deathly serious. Neither competitor is moving. BILL HEWSON: As I've said, these two are both unpredictable and without a limit that we've seen thus far. JACK JONES: Well, I hope this Patrick Bickle character ends the legacy of the Wheel. That Kryenik shouldn't be allowed near a ring. BILL HEWSON: And Bickle is so much more child friendly, Jack? JACK JONES: He IS competing for the Pure Honor championship tonight, Bill Hewson. And what a representative of Pure Honor he would be! Bickle has begun slowly moving towards the ring without his eyes ever leaving the gaze of Kryenik. Into the ring he goes, with the lock still on, until they are fact to face. They stand with the crowd in a deathly silence, staring at each other. Neither competitor is sharing a word, or even moving. Suddenly one fan breaks the silence screaming "SPIN! SPIN! SPIN!" and is soon joined by all of the audience in that same chant. The stare continues for what seems like forever, and finally Billy Kryenik lifts up... and spins the wheel. BILL HEWSON: Here it goes. We are just a few spins of the wheel away from seeing the next sickening display that the aptly titled "Sick" Billy Kryenik's Wheel of Death will give us. JACK JONES: How did this man get off the streets and into a ring anyway? Who allowed this? The wheel spins and spins, slows, slows, click...click....and it has come to a stop. BILLY KRYENIK: Tick... Tick... Tick. Which one will it be... Patrick Bickle! You've just won ... a STAIRWAY... TO HELL! The crowd explodes for the stipulation. Patrick Bickle has slowly formed a sadistic smile, to match the one on Billy Kryenik's face. Immediately, Patrick Bickle steps into Billy Kryenik, putting them nose to nose. Bickles eyes are huge with intensity as he inhales and exhales his chest like a H Bomb. Billy's eyes are much of the same. He's got that sickness in his eyes, that vile hatred. BILL HEWSON: Bickle is stepping up to Billy and both men look like they're going to explode on one another, right here in the MNF ring! JACK JONES: I say let them kill each other. We'll miss Bickle, but the fans will forget Kryenik within a few hours. BILL HEWSON: You know that's not true. Billy Kryenik is one of the most diverse and yes, bi-polar people in the company. These fans adore his will and determination. The staredown continues, neither man taking their eyes away from the other, neither man saying a word. Suddenly! Bickle shoves his palm in his face and rubs Billy out. Billy turns back to eyeball the grinning Bickle. Kryenik raises an arm! He's going to hit him! But... with great effort, brings it back down. Kryenik drags his thumb across his throat and says right to Bickle's face: "You're a fucking dead man!" And with that, Billy Kryenik exits the ring, his music kicking in. BILL HEWSON: My God, the intensity between these two men. A Stairway To Hell match at Epic... unbelievable. JACK JONES: And what happens if Bickle wins the Kiniski Cup from El Mentiroso tonight? Or what about if Kryenik gets his career ended by STYLIN' KYLE ROBERTS in the main event tonight? BILL HEWSON: The implications are, well, epic. And... cut to commercial.
BILL HEWSON: What the... nobody uses that music... Oh dear God. JACK JONES: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the SUPERSTAR and the SHOWSTOPPA! The crowd, momentarily confused, begins to boo like cats in heat as Sir Thomas Deathrow and Squire Krusty Kid Paul make their entrance. Tommy is wearing his usual attire of black exercise pants and a t-shirt, but with a major difference, having tied his t-shirt through. He's got a garbage can over his shoulder FULLA PLUNDA. AND HE BARES PASTY WHITE MID-RIFF. Truly, this is a MAN for the TIMES. Krusty Kid Paul, for his part, has apparently raided Stevie Richards' closet, wearing a pair of too-short cut-off jeans and a half-tee-shirt top! And by God, if they're not strutting to the music and doing a little turn on the ramp. JACK JONES: And look at the ladies faint and drool. My God, if the SUPERSTAR was to pass his gaze over them they'd explode! Look at that man! BILL HEWSON: Yes, it's...an awful lot like a train wreck. FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! Introducing first at a total combined weight of FOUR-HUNDRED and NINETY-FOUR pounds... the team of TOMMY DEATHROW and KRUSTY KID PAUL! SEXY...ADORABLE...DRUNNNNNKS! Deathrow lobs the garbage can in the ring, where it tumbles and spills out a number of weapons: kendo sticks, cookie sheets, the usual hardcore implements. KKP hits the ropes and makes the 'belt' motion around his waist as Deathrow suddenly backs Frank Warburton into the corner. BILL HEWSON: And what the hell is this? Deathrow's intimidating Warburton? What did Frank ever do to anybody? Other than bilk them out of a cool grand in texas hold'em. JACK JONES: He was counting cards! I know it! There's no way he could've had an aces over kings full house! I already HAD five aces! Deathrow abruptly grabs the microphone out of Frank's hand and tells him to hit the road. THOMAS DEATHROW: What kind of (BLEEP)y entrance was that? That's not how you introduce a SUPERSTAR... the next match-up is SUPERSTAR RULES, and if you don't like then you can eat me, and it's for one fall. Introducing first, the SEXIEST tag team in NAPW today, yesterday and forever... wearing blue and white you all can kiss the ass of the SHOWSTOPPA... KRUSTY KID PAUL! He's a (BLEEP)in' drunk, and his even drunker tag team partner... Mr. Sexy, Superstud, THE SUPERSTAR... SIR THOMAS DEATHROW! "I'm a sonofabitch to the core! And with that, The Delivery Men storm from the entrance way (sans Tex), yelling to the crowd and looking READY TO GO! Deathrow sneers and holds the mic up again. THOMAS DEATHROW: And our victims who're gonna have a (BLEEP)in' hangover in about five minutes... thing one and thing two, the stupid-ass Delivery Mans --- * WHAM! Delivery Man #1 careens right into Deathrow and he's laying in RIGHTHANDSRIGHTHANDSRIGHTHANDS! Delivery Man #2 comes off the ropes and nails a Thesz press! Raining fists o'fury all over KKP! Deathrow stumbles into the corner, #1 follows in and clotheslines him against the turnbuckle. Irish whip sends Deathrow into the far corner. The SUPERSTAR stumbles out holding his back and takes a BICYCLE KICK directly in the face, knocking him down on a stop sign. #1 yells to #2... #2 irish whips Paul into a big #1 lariat! #2 then drops down. #1 grabs his legs and hoists him around... dropping him right down on Thomas Deathrow! Cover gets ONE! TWO! Deathrow kicks out. BILL HEWSON: And let's keep in mind that one week from today, Delivery Man #1 and #2 will be involved in a triple-threat match with Krusty Kid Paul... and it's a Provincial or Tag title on the line. We've seen the Delivery Men at odds in the past two months, but tonight they seem to be on the same page! JACK JONES: It's the red-head, Hewson. Red-heads are trouble! Believe me...I married one! BILL HEWSON: The Delivery Men are firing this crowd up, and the SUPERSTAR rules are about to backfire on "Sir" Deathrow, because The Delivery Man have picked up weapons! Indeed they have, Bill Hewson! Delivery Man #1 just bent a cookie sheet over the head of Deathrow... he grabs that stop sign next! CLANG! Krusty Kid Paul gets caught and goes down hard. Delivery Man #2 meanwhile has gone to the top of the rope! SOMERSAULT LEG DROP over the throat of Krusty Kid Paul! Cover gets TWO, KKP kicking out. #2 rolls off of him and roots around in the scattered plunder, coming up with... a t-shirt? #2 unfolds the shirt wide, showing it off to the crowd. It reads "EDMONTON SKETCH CONSPIRACY" Four fans in the front row pop excessively loud as #2 uses the t-shirt to choke KKP out. KKP trying to fight out... gets a mule kick on #2, breaking himself free. KKP rubs this throat and then begins to stomp away on #2. Meanwhile! Delivery Man #1 wedges a steel chair in between the second and top turnbuckles? He grabs Deathrow and... irish whip! Deathrow reverses INTO a short-arm clothesline. BILL HEWSON: Good God, he almost took #1's head off with that. JACK JONES: This is Superstar rules, Bill Hewson. You never underestimate Tommy Deathrow, especially in his own damn match. Deathrow grabs his crotch and then... palms #1's face! Vile! It's an iron claw on the face of #1 with added ball sweat, and #1 is dropped to the canvas, feet kicking as he struggles against the sadistic move. Krusty Kid Paul, meanwhile, catches #2 coming off the ropes with a sick spinebuster, delivering the move right on top of the garbage can! It crunches and flattens, there's a cover ONE! TWO! #2 kicks out. Kid Paul grabs #2 by the ears, he's biting the man on the forehead. Sexy and Adorable Drunks, everybody! A pick-up and irish whip send #2 into the corner...KKP stops to pull a small flask out of his back pocket. He takes a big swig of whatever's in there --- probably sweet, sweet Robitussin --- then walks over to Deathrow, who still has that Sweaty Ball Claw on #1, pours some of the liquid into the Superstar's mouth. Finally, KKP is ready to CHARGE! And to the surprise of absolutely nobody, #2 sidesteps out of the way. He grabs KKP by the back of the head and starts bouncing the man's face off of the turnbuckle one, two, three, four, up to ten times! Kid Paul stumbles out and #2... irish whips him into the turnbuckle with the chair! KKP staggers out in agony and drops to his knees. #2 runs at Deathrow... huracanrana breaks up the Claw! Deathrow goes skidding halfway out of the ring, his legs hanging over the side of the ring. #2 helps #1 up... HIGH-FIVE! Delivery Men back in action! BILL HEWSON: The momentum may have turned for the Delivery Men! They've never pinned Tommy Deathrow, not in matches against the SAD or against the old Doomriders, but TONIGHT. TONIGHT may be the night! JACK JONES: I hate to say it, but you may be right! The Delivery Men look like the BEST DELIVERY TEAM in the business here tonight...for the first time in a very long time! The Delivery Men each wrap an arm around KKP's head... and drive it into the canvas with a double bull-dog. KKP pops up, punch-drunk, and that lets #1 wrap a half-nelson around him... Full-Nelson slam connects. And that's it! Here it comes! Delivery Man #2 on top, Delivery Man #1 jamming KKP's head between his legs. Up for the powerbomb! #2 flies! THE DELIVERY DROP CONNECTS! COVER ONE! TWO! THREE---- TOMMY DEATHROW! BILL HEWSON: I thought they had it! My God, Tommy Deathrow saving this match for his team at the last possible second! And Deathrow broke it up with that kendo stick, the Singapore cane right to the back of #1 and then #2. The Delivery Men both writhe in pain as Deathrow extends his arms out to the side, his face a mask of disgust. That's not sexy, Tommy. Deathrow grabs Delivery Man #2 roughly and hits a spectacularly sick looking Dominator on the man. #2 looks out, but before Deathrow can cover, #1 is back up! Deathrow punches, blocked, #1 hits! I BLOCK YOUR PUNCH YOU DON'T BLOCK MINE! And Delivery Man #1 opens up on Thomas Deathrow! Deathrow goes down and gets back up, #1 knocks him down again! DELIVERY MAN #1 is a HOUSE OF FIRE! He has Tommy Deathrow on the ropes! TOE KICK! The Big Delivery coming up, but Krusty Kid Paul lays a forearm into the back of Delivery Man #1. BUT HERE COMES DELIVERY MAN #2 WITH THE STEEL CHAIR! HE SWINGS CRACK BILL HEWSON: Oh my God, steal chair to the back of the head of Delivery Man #1! Krusty Kid Paul moved out of the way in the nick of time! I can't believe it! #2 inadvertantly clobbered his own partner, and oh my, #1 doesn't look good. JACK JONES: Delivery Man #1 is looking around... and all he sees is Delivery Man #2 with the steel chair! Delivery Man #2 has the chair in his hands still, mouth open-jawed in momentary shock as #1, holding the back of his head, looks at him angrily. #2 tries to frikkin' explain, but Delivery Man #1... Delivery Man #1 rolls out of the ring and begins to walk up the aisle, holding his head! He turns around as #2 yells at him to get back in the frikkin' ring, it was a frikkin' accident, we got these friks beat! #1 looks back down the aisle, then turns around in disgust. #2 gets one foot through the ropes to go after him before the SAD are all over him. KKP & Deathrow are all over #2 like hyenas! #2 tries to fight off...he's sent to the ropes! DOUBLE-SPINEBUSTER, NO! Deathrow takes a second to spew obscenities in the direction of #1, who is at the top of the ramp. He turns around to see KKP hook the inverted Clover-Leaf on #2. KKP hoists his man up, Deathrow hooks the front facelock... THE HANGOVER! The crowd as one scream "OHHHHHHH!" Deathrow covers, KKP standing over him, ONE! TWO! THREE! FRANK WARBURTON: Here are your winners by pinfall... SEXY, ADORABLE DRUNKS! JACK JONES: And I don't care who you are, nobody's getting up from THAT Hangover! BILL HEWSON: I can't believe this! Delivery Man #1...it was an accident! He just walked out on his partner, they were inches away from finally defeating Tommy Deathrow! JACK JONES: Was it REALLY an accident, Bill Hewson? That's what I ask you! Delivery Man #2 is jealous of #1's success, jealous of Tex, jealous of #1 being... #1! So I ask you, was it really an accident? BILL HEWSON: I can't see how #2 would WANT to open himself up to a two-on-one from the S.A.D.... Now wait just a damned minute! Why does Bill Hewson say this? Because SAD aren't finished with Delivery Man #2. KKP starts wearing #2 out with the remnants of that garbage can as Deathrow points down at #1. #1 brushes his hands in disgust and walks through the curtain. The SAD continue to beat on #2, certainly softening him up for the triple-threat on Monday... wait a minute. That's to #1's advantage as well. The crowd is booing, but suddenly, they cheer, as a blue delivery jumpsuited man bursts through the curtains (as much as this Delivery Man can burst). BILL HEWSON: Thank God, #1 finally showed some heart --- no, my mistake! That's not #1... that's #100! It's STEIN, the man who will be taking on Thomas Deathrow at EPIC! STEIN, running as fast as he can, climbs into the ring. The SAD are all over him, however. WAIT A MINUTE! Stein suddenly grabs a chokehold on each man! With unbelievable strength he CHOKESLAMS KKP and Deathrow down to the canvas, the crowd going TOMATO. Stein leaves SAD lying and goes over to #2, beginning to help him up. Look out behind you! Deathrow from behind with the remnants of that Kendo stick! And Stein...Stein barely reacts. Stein turns and stands up to his full height, black hair sticking out wildly. Deathrow looks surprised, but he blasts Stein again. Stein takes a step backwards, but doesn't go down, nor does he seem to register the turn. In fact, the expression on his face is one of polite interest. Seriously. Deathrow grabs the stop sign...CLANG! Stein goes down! And finally Deathrow can celebrate... BILL HEWSON: Tommy Deathrow is a sick, sadistic man and needs to be stopped... holy cow! He just sat up! And Tommy Deathrow can't BELIEVE it! Deathrow's eyes bug out of his head as Stein is back on his feet, cocking his head at Deathrow. Then suddenly his expression changes ever so slightly and he's all over Tommy Deathrow, locking on... the devastating...deadly... SMOTHERED WITH KETCHUP cobra clutch! Stein whirls Deathrow around like a rag doll until KKP nails Stein from behind, enough for Stein to release the hold. Deathrow slides out of the ring in a hurry, KKP a step behind, and Deathrow looks at the ring with jaw slack and white eyes as KKP tries to calm him down. BILL HEWSON: Jack Attack... I think Thomas Deathrow is SCARED of Stein! Stein wouldn't stay down, wouldn't even register pain! How can Thomas Deathrow beat a man who doesn't feel pain, who doesn't stay down? JACK JONES: Stein can be beaten, it just...only happens ... BILL HEWSON: He's been pinned once in the NAPW, Jack Jones, ONCE. Thomas Deathrow may have bitten off more than he can chew at Epic! We'll be right back! And with Deathrow freaking out at the top of the entrance way, Delivery Man #2 raises Stein's hand high and points, FRIKKIN' RIGHTS.
JACK JONES: I agree completely. BILL HEWSON: You do? JACK JONES: Are you kidding me? D! fighting Static? That is what I call win-win, at least one of those jokers is getting their ass kicked tonight! BILL HEWSON: You're unbelievable. This is going to be a match for the ages! For the first time ever; Static versus D! FRANK WARBURTON: This next contest is a singles match scheduled for one fall! Coming to the ring first, weighing in at one hundred and seventy five pounds, he is the Hardcore LUCHADORRRRRRRRRE - THIS! IS! STATIC! "Bada Bing" by Dangerdoom explodes on the PA and Static comes out from the back to a huge ovation, the Polish Hall thundering for the Hardcore Luchadore. He leaps into the ring, but forgoes his usual pre-match celebrations, turning to watch the entrance intently. FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, coming out of Edmonton, Alberta. ONE LETTER! SAID REAL LOUD! DEEEEEEEEEEEEE! "RIIIIIIGHT BEFORE MY EYES!" Another huge ovation as D! comes out from the back. Unlike Static, he takes his time getting down to the ring, gladly slapping hands with the fans on the way down. He slides into the ring and comes face to face with Static, the expression on his face instantly dropping to serious. The two men square off in the center of the ring as John Sharplin goes over the down-and-dirty of the rules of the ring for them. He tries to send them back to their corners, but neither man is budging, locked into a stare down for the ages. Sharplin shrugs and calls for the bell, but it doesn't look like the action is going to get started until one of them actually blinks. Practically nose to nose, D! and Static, the crowd is hyped as they glare deep into each other's eyes. BILL HEWSON: The tension in that ring is palpable! JACK JONES: YOU are! Static is the first to look away, and D! smirks at the little victory... that is until Static's hand comes around and cracks him across the face with an open-handed slap. D!'s head snaps around and he touches his lips in surprise, looking back at Static and CRACK! Another disrespectful slap to the face of the former Heavyweight Champion. D!'s eyes blaze and he shoves Static in the chest with both hands. Static comes right back, swinging for the fences but still with that open hand, blasting it across D!'s cheek hard enough to stagger the man back at the sudden flare of pain. Static is on D! like white on rice, now closing the fist and beating him towards the corner with it. Static lays into D! with rights and lefts, chopping him across the chest to finally back him into the turnbuckle. Static is on fire, swinging away at a staggered D! But he isn't the premier striker in the NAPW for nothing, and D! gets his arms up, blocking the barrage of blows and giving himself a moment to clear his head. Static swings a big roundhouse punch, uncharacteristic of him, just trying to knock D! into next week and D! ducks out of the way, spinning Static around into the corner! D! with a palm strike the bounces Static right back out of the corner, following up with a swift Muay Thai kick to the stomach. Static doubles over and D! lines him up, looking for the Barrage right away! D! comes in at Static with deadly purpose and Static drops to the mat, rolling to the outside out of harm's way. Sharplin backs D! away from the ropes and Static immediately leaps back up to the apron. D! shoves Sharplin out of his way and advances on the Hardcore Luchadore, making a grab for his head, but Static ducks under and comes between the middle and the top rope with a shoulder block that doubles D! over. Static spins on the apron, lashing out one foot and sweeping D! cleanly down to the mat. Static grabs the top rope and flies back into the ring, landing on D! with a twisting senton that has the crowd on their feet! BILL HEWSON: This match came out of the gate like a rocket and shows no signs of slowing down! JACK JONES: At least until one of these guys gets a concussion, and won't that be sweet? BILL HEWSON: Couldn't you just comment on the match, give us a few move names, that kind of - wait! JACK JONES: You wait! I'm just getting warmed up! BILL HEWSON: Not you! Who is that coming down to the ring? Oh no, not them. Indeed, them. Heat and Chopper, dressed in their street clothes, are walking down the aisle towards the ring to a chorus of jeers from the crowd in the Polish Hall. Chopper is carrying a plastic cup of beer, which he raises to his lips as the two arrive at ringside. The DD of this interference car, Heat just watches the match with his arms folded over his chest. Static drops D! with a dropkick, then spots Heat and Chopper on the outside, leaning on the top rope in the corner and pointing at the pair, shouting some not-too-kind words. All D! sees is opportunity, with his opponent's back turned. Static continues shouting at Heat and Chopper right up until the moment D! collides with his back, crushing him against the corner with a huge Stinger Splash! Static spins around and fist? Meet chin. D! knocks Static silly with a huge roundhouse punch. D! seems to spot Heat and Chopper for the first time, but doesn't waste his breath on them, instead dropping into a lateral press for the pin; One! Two! Static gets his shoulder up. D! grabs Static by the hand as both men rise and whips him towards the ropes. Static puts the brakes on and reverses it, sending D! careening towards the side of the ring. D! comes back and Static hits the mat, forcing D! to jump over him. D! hits the other side of the ring and comes flying back, Static leapfrogs over him SPINEBUSTER! D! put on the brakes and grabbed Static out of midair with a huge spinebuster! D! with the cover; One! Two! Thr-kickout! BILL HEWSON: It isn't often that D! has the size advantage in a match that you need to pull off a move like that, but he carries about forty pounds and four inches over the Hardcore Luchadore! D! stands up, breathing heavily but clearly in control of the match right now. D! grabs Static by the mask and drags him up off the mat, snatching his wrist once more and this time succeeding in sending him into the ropes. Static manages to hook his arms over the top and stops himself before flying back at D! That doesn't sit well with D! and he comes after Static, running in at the Hardcore Luchadore. D! with the clothesline Static with the LOW BRIDGE! D! flies over Static with a little assistance and crashes to the outside right in front of Heat and Chopper. The two men don't get any closer, but Chopper seems to be encouraging D! to get back to his feet, crouching down so D! can better hear him. Static has another idea even as D! does begin to stumble up to his feet. Static hits the ropes and flies over the top with a suicide plancha, landing right on the rising D! The two men roll backwards and Heat and Chopper have to jump out of the way, Chopper tripping over an outstretched limb. Chopper catches himself before he falls, but his beer splashes out backwards, soaking the front of his shirt and his bling. Chopper runs a hand down the front of his shirt, sending droplets of alcohol to the floor, then looks up at Heat. The two men nod and then both attack! Heat and Chopper begin laying the boots to Static and D! Static and D! are under attack from Heat and Chopper and - wait - it looks like... Heat and Chopper have rolled Static off of D! and Heat drops down to hold Static's arms. Chopper begins raining down heavy blows on Static's exposed midsection and face. BILL HEWSON: Heat and Chopper are beating the hell out of Static, but leaving D! completely alone? What the hell does this mean? JACK JONES: What do you think it means, moron? It means that D! finally picked the winning team! Sharplin sees this going on and is about to call for the bell when D! gets back to his feet. It takes him a second to see what is going on before he leaps into the fray. Chopper squirms away from D!'s attempt to grab him, shoving him back but then going right back to working over Static. D! tries Heat next, and Heat gives him the same treatment, but with a little more force. Heat glares at D! telling him to back off before grabbing Static's arms again. D! grabs Heat by the shoulder and Heat wheels around and BELTS D! IN THE FACE! Chopper looks surprised, but slams his fist down into Static's face again. Heat shoves D! into the ring post back first, then cracks him with an elbow. Heat grabs D! by the head and slams him into the steps. Sharplin has called for the bell, calling this match a no contest and with good reason! BILL HEWSON: The referee just called a no-contest, and I can't blame him, but... Those two hooligans just cost us a classic match up! JACK JONES: What are you talking about, Hewson? This right now is better than any match D! and Static could put on! I could watch this for- oh no, not him. Again, it is him! In this case the him being RAVAGER! Ravager runs out of the back wielding a steel chair! Chopper sees him first and just manages to dive out of the way of a chair shot! Chopper grabs Heat and pulls him out of the way of another, Ravager crashing the chair into the ring post just where Heat's head had been. Chopper and Heat make a hasty retreat before the fury of Ravager, escaping through an unfriendly crowd, getting more beer than just the one cup thrown on them in the process. Ravager drops the chair and helps D! to his feet, then walks over and does the same for Static. Immediately Static is in D!'s face, with Ravager trying to separate the two. Static is bitching D! out, and it doesn't take long for D! to start firing back. Ravager is trying to be the peacemaker, of all people, but doesn't seem to be having much luck. Finally Static just throws up his hands and turns, stalking away. D! glares at Ravager as if this is somehow his fault, then retreats to the back as well. Ravager looks over the crowd and makes his own exit, to a huge ovation. BILL HEWSON: How on earth are Static and D! going to co-exist at Epic? JACK JONES: I'll tell you one thing, Bill Hewson: If D! and Static want to beat Heat & Chopper they'd better try to co-exist. Of course, I'll be betting on them continuing their sissy spat into Epic and losing at the BIG ONE. How about that, eh? D! Static! LOSING at NAPW's first Pay-Per-View! BILL HEWSON: You may be a jerk, Jack Jones, but right now you are speaking truth. D! and Static have to settle their issues if they want to score the win next Monday! Cut to commercial with Ravager standing at the top of the entrance way.
BILL HEWSON. Wow. What a disgusting story. Thank Goodness, it's time for our next match! DJ Shadow plays over the speakers, as a rather intense Patrick Bickle makes his way to the ring. FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is the PURE HONOR TITLE match, and is set for one fall! Introducing first, from NEW YORK CITY... Paaaatrick BICKLLLLLLE! BILL HEWSON: Quite a career trajectory for this man. Tonight, he goes for the Kiniski Cup, symbol of the Pure Honor Division. And next Monday, he faces "Sick Billy" Kryenik in a Wheel of Death match. FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, accompanied by Senora Suerte! From Mexico City! THE PURE HONOR CHAMPION... EL MENTIRRRRRROSSSSSOOO! The Mexican national anthem plays, brining El Mentiroso to the ring. The crowd pops huge for the Mexican Superstar and his lovely manager, Senora Suerte. Mentiroso leaves the Kiniski Cup with the timekeeper and gets in the ring... Bickle goes right for him! BILL HEWSON: What's Bickle doing? If he attacks before the bell, he'll be automatically disqualified! But Bickle doesn't attack. He gets right in Mentiroso's face then sticks out his hand, yelling "shake it!" A wary Mentiroso shakes hands with his opponent. Referee John Sharplin (a bit confused by Bickle's behavior) calls for the bell. Mentiroso and Bickle circle each other. They go to lock up, but Bickle ducks, goes behind, and punches Mentiroso in the back of the head. Sharplin gives Bickle a warning. Bickle grins and punches Mentiroso again. FRANK WARBURTON: Patrick Bickle has used his first rope break. BILL HEWSON: I don't understand the strategy being employed here. JACK JONES: I don't think Bickle knows what strategy he's employing either. Bickle smirks as he and Mentiroso lock up. Bickle actually backs up into the ropes, forcing a break. FRANK WARBURTON: Patrick Bickle has used his second rope break! Sharplin asks Bickle what he's doing. Bickle just shrugs, and slaps the taste out of Mentiroso's mouth. Mentiroso keeps his cool. He goes for a clothesline. Bickle ducks, and dropkicks Mentiroso in the back of the head. Bickle leaps on his fallen opponent, and delivers a series of stiff forearm shots to the head. All nice and legal. Mentiroso grabs a hold of Bickle's leg, pulls him to the mat, and then goes to work on Bickle's ankle. Bickle quickly grabs the ropes. FRANK WARBURTON: Patrick Bickle has used his final rope break! BILL HEWSON: He didn't even try to break the hold! He just grabbed the ropes right away. And now he is at a severe disadvantage! JACK JONES: Is he really? Mentiroso takes advantage of the situation. He drops and elbow on Bickle, then runs to the opposite ropes, and comes back with a drop kick to Bickle's spine. Bickle on the ropes, but that won't help him now. Mentiroso lays in some chops, which gets the fans yelling "Whoo!" Then Bickle starts to fight his way out of the corner. Chop! "Whoo!" Chop! "Whoo!" CHOP The fans wince. Mentiroso groans loudly. You can almost see the hand print on Mentiroso's chest. Bickle grabs the mask of Mentiroso, clenches his fist, and prepares to punch. Sharplin is right there to warn Bickle, but Bickle instead delivers a European Uppercut. He quickly applies a head scissors, taking Mentiroso to the mat. He squeezes down on the current Kiniski Cup holder who is trying valiantly to break the hold. After some twisting around, Mentiroso manages to break free of the head scissors, and gets a drop kick to Bickle's face. Mentiroso tries to keep the advantage. He hits the ropes, and comes back with a diving European Uppercut. Bickle is knocked out of the ring. He gets to his feet, only to be met with a tope from Mentiroso. Sharplin starts the count. Mentiroso drags Bickle to his feet, and attempts to throw him back in the ring. Bickle drops to one knee. He does a single leg take down on Mentiroso, then drops his elbow across the knee. JACK JONES: That's it! If Mentiroso can't walk, then he can't do high risk either. Bickle smirks at the crowd as he goes to get.. a chair? Sharplin is there right away to warn Bickle, telling the man that he won't hesitate to call a disqualification. Bickle laughs, says "Just Kidding" and tosses the chair away. Then he spears a rising Mentiroso out of his boots! BILL HEWSON: What a spear! Mentiroso looks like he's out! Bickle rolls Mentiroso back into the ring. He climbs up to the top rope. He could be looking for the Freefall! But Mentiroso is by no means done! Top Rope hurricanrana! Both men are down! Sharplin delivers a ten count, but both men are to their feet by eight. Bickle charges, misses, and gets nailed with the Jugadore! Bickle looks to be out, as Mentiroso goes for the pin! One... Two... Thr... NO! Bickle kicks out! Mentiroso is shocked! He pulls Bickle to his feet, but Bickle gets a small package! One... Two... Mentiroso kicks out! But Bickle starts to lay in some kicks! Mentiroso kicks back! Mentiroso isn't so much playing Bickle's game, as he is trying to survive. The fans cheer as they trade stiff kicks with each other. then chops. Then forearm shots. Neither man will go down! BILL HEWSON: Both men giving everything they've got! Both men are staggering, the onslaught they've unleashed on each other taking it's toll. Mentiroso goes for an Enziguri, but Bickle ducks. Mentiroso hits the mat! He quickly gets to his feet, only to be met by a swinging neckbreaker. Mentiroso goes down hard, and Bickle uses the momentum as best he can! He scales the rope... FREEFALL! Both men look injured, but Bickle goes for the pin! One! Two! Three! FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner, and NEWWWWW PURE HONOR CHAMPION.... PATRICK! BICKLLLLLLLE! BILL HEWSON: This man represents the Kiniski Cup? This man represents Pure Honor? JACK JONES: He played by the rules, even if you're not happy with it. And the Pure Honor Division just got more interesting. Bickle offers a half-assed handshake to El Mentiroso, who is still recovering from the Freefall. The crowd boos, but Bickle grabs the Kiniski Cup from Sharplin and raises it above his head, ignoring his own pain. Mr. Maps makes his way to ringside with medical gloves, ready as always to see to his charge's well being. Senora Seurte escorts a disappointed El Mentiroso out of the ring as Bickle hits the corner, holding the Cup over his head. BILL HEWSON: I don't like the expression that man's face. How can the Pure Honor champion wrestle in a STAIRWAY TO HELL match-up next Monday night? I just don't get it! JACK JONES: This is Patrick Bickle's honor, Bill Hewson. The era of nicey-nice El Mentiroso is over... welcome to the Bickle era! BILL HEWSON: He is the new champion... speaking of champions! When we come back, the upstart Television Champion UZI will take on DEVASTATION! The Old Testament Terror versus the Vicious Phenom, and it's NEXT.
BILL HEWSON: You disgust me. "REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH!" Depeche Mode kicks in, and that can only mean one man... AUSTIN ARIES. Wait. No. In New Alberta Pro, that can only mean ONE MAN... UZI. The Old Testament Terror makes his way out to the ring preceded by Buggsy, looking throw-back as always in a zoot suit circa 1921 Chicago. The Television Title is strapped around his not unsubstantial mid-section, Uzi being in fantastic condition. The crowd lets them know what they think of him FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is a special non-title CHAMPION versus CHAMPION contest! Introducing first accompanied by Buggsy Goldstein, he stands six-one and weighs in at two-hundred and EIGHTY-five pounds! From Jerusalem... he is the Television Champion... UZZZZZZI! BILL HEWSON: And these fans quick to let Uzi know what they think of him, but you have to give Uzi his due. He's the most visible Television Champion since Don Travelli --- a man who will challenge for a record FOURTH TV Title reign at Epic --- and he's been throwing out challenges left, right and center. Just last week he took D! to the limit, and this week... JACK JONES: Oh, I'm sure you'd love to see it, and you know what? Uzi could do it, if he was in the ring with any other man in NAPW. But we're talking DEVASTATION here, the Vicious Phenom, the Hybrid Icon! On the other hand, imagine what a win over Devastation would mean for the TV Champion. BILL HEWSON: There's no better way to make your mark then to be in the ring with the Heavyweight Champion... pinning him would be unbelievable. And since he's no doubt sick of the Uzi ass-kissing, the music changes to herald the arrival of NAPW's Heavyweight Champion.
"The roof, Bloodhoung Gang, and accompanied by the valiant, courageous and on crutches Longshot (The Manager Of Champions) ... is none other than the monster himself, the massive DEVASTATION --- Heavyweight Title around his waist. In black trunks and simple ring-wear, with that sixteen pounds of gold around his waist, Devastation looks every bit the champion. He's wearing an arrogant smirk, but otherwise looks all business. The champion hits the ring and poses in the center to a huge round of boos. FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent! From Boston Massachussetts, accompanied by the Manager of Champions Longshot! Standing six-foot eight, he weighed in this morning at three-hundred and five pounds... The Vicious Phenom, the Hybrid Icon, the Alpha and Omega, the NAPW HEAVYWEIGHHHHHHT CHAMPEEEEEEN... DEVVVVVAAAASTATION! JACK JONES: A great wrestler once said to BE the man, you have to BEAT the man! And right there in the ring, in 2006... THE man! BILL HEWSON: Uzi doesn't look intimidated but you gotta believe that the TV Champion has not come into this match thinking it'll be a cakewalk. Uzi isn't a stupid man, he knows what the champion is capable of. JACK JONES: You're absolutely right, Hewson, I can admit that. But remember that Devastation is no slouch in the ring. He's six-eight, three-hundred pounds of speed! Power! Agility! And above all, intelligence! Not to mention a lot of luck with the Luckiest Man Alive in his corner... that brave soul, that courageous warrior Longshot! BILL HEWSON: Yeah, poor Longshot. How long's he been on those crutches now? JACK JONES: I bet you make fun of handicapped people at the Special Olympics, you horrible man. BILL HEWSON: These men set to square off, Dick Kiebiech the referee checking them over... "MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN!" JACK JONES: What the hell is HE doing here? The crowd comes UNGLUED as "THE NEXUS ONE" REX CALIBER makes an entrance in street clothes. Devastation snarls up towards the entrance way as Caliber comes down, looking slick in black slacks and a blue shirt. He makes the belt motion to Devastation and then turns three-quarters down the ramp, walking to the announce table. He grabs a headset and sits down beside a visibly uncomfortable Jack Jones. BILL HEWSON: Rex Caliber, welcome! JACK JONES: Yeah, uh, welcome. REX CALIBER: Slack Jack, Bill Gruesome, what's up? I'm just here to get a closer look at that bastard Devastation before I take my belt back next week. JACK JONES: It's Jack Attack! REX CALIBER: Whatever you say, Cracker Jack. The two men in the ring focus on one another. There's the bell! Uzi and Devastation start off with a stare down. Uzi throws a flurry of chops. Devastation blocks the 4th, elbowing Uzi in the face. Uzi back pedals, Devastation chases. Devastation kicks Uzi into the stomach following it up with an Irish Whip into the corner. Devastation runs in and splashes Uzi. Uzi falls to the ground as Devastation drops a knee onto his chest. Bugsy starts yelling at Devastation and Dev takes exception. Bugsy jumps up onto the ring apron, Devastation grabs him givign Uzi enough time to get back to his feet. Uzi runs at him and jumps at Devastation - BACK CRACKER! Uzi gets back to his feet. He drops an elbow down on Devastation. Devastation rolls out of the way, Uzi hits the mat. Devastation gets back up and clobbers Uzi with a clothesline. He keeps his momentum going, bouncing off the ropes. He comes back with a splash but Uzi moves and he hits the mat. Both men get back their feet, Uzi swings, but misses. Devastation kicks and then Gourdbusters the brains out of Uzi. Devastation capitalizes right away by kicking Uzi in the ribs. Uzi jumps away from the second kick and rolls into the corner. Devastation stomps in but gets a shoulder in the stomach for his troubles. BILL HEWSON: So far it's pretty even for these two behemoths! JACK JONES: Uzi is giving up about 7 or 8 inches in height but he has that raw power behind him. REX CALIBER: These two are equally matched, no doubt about it. I won't take anything away from Devastation, but next week I'll put him down for the ten count. If there's anything left of him when Uzi's done with him. Uzi picks up Devastation, throwing him into the ropes. Devastation comes back Uzi swings with a clothesline but Devastation ducks it. Dev bounces off the ropes again, BIG BOOT! Uzi drops like a bag of hammers. Bugsy is making more noise on the outside. Longshot starts yelling at him. Devastation picks up Uzi, Sidewalk slam! Devastation goes for the cover...1...2.. no! Uzi kicks out. JACK JONES: The Heavyweight Champ almost had him there. BILL HEWSON: Like him or not, Devastation is very destructive. He gets those big hands on you and he'll throw you around like a rag doll. Devastation grabs Uzi by the head, bringing him to his feet. Devastation throws a right and Uzi stumbles backwards. Devastation runs full tilt and clotheslines Uzi over the top ropes and onto the arena floor. Bugsy runs over to check on his man. Longshot and Devastation exchange a few words and Dev just waits for Uzi to get back into the ring. Uzi rolls in. Dev charges, Uzi kicks him, JUMPING SPIKE DDT! Uzi puts his arm over...1...2.. no! Devastation kicks out after two. Uzi gets back to his feet and pulls Dev back to stable footing. Uzi lifts up Devastation, BRAIN BUSTER! Uzi stays on offence and runs off the ropes but Longshot trips him up and Uzi falls face first. Bugsy argues with the referee as he points over to the cheating manager. Uzi leans over the ropes and points at Longshot. Devastation gets back up, back dropping Uzi. Devastation rolls back up and pulls Uzi back to his feet, PowerBomb! he goes for the cover again 1...2... NO! Uzi kicks out again. BILL HEWSON: What a huge powerbomb that was! Uzi will be feeling that for a few days! JACK JONES: Hey Caliber, tell us what it feels like to get beaten down by the Champ, you know all about it, eh? REX CALIBER: Devastation's a big son of a bitch, no doubt about it, but there's only so far power's going to take you. Devastation isn't getting frustrated; he calmly picks up Uzi into another power bomb position. He runs with him and PowerBombs him again but this time into the corner! Uzi's head bounces off the top turnbuckle. Devastation takes a run and bounces off the ropes. Bugsy puts out his arm this time and he trips up the Heavyweight Champion. The ref has almost seen enough. Longshot walks over and he and Bugsy get up close and personal. Devastation is yelling at Bugsy. Uzi comes out of the corner and kicsk Devastation in the back. Bugsy shoves Longshot, jumps up and Hangmans Devastation on the top rope. Longshot, resilient as he is, comes back with slap to the face. Bugsy grabs his jaw. The ref has ejected the managers! BILL HEWSON: They're out of here! The referee is frustrated with the tactics of the managers and has just tossed them both out of the match! JACK JONES: Longshot was just defending himself! Come on ref! BILL HEWSON: They both tripped up the opposing wrestlers, Bugsy hung Devastation, Longshot "Ric Flair" chopped Bugsy... everyones guilty, JACK! Bugsy makes his way up the entrance way with Longshot following suit. They are both irate as neither man wants to leave their wrestler. The Ref points to the back. Uzi just dropped Devastation with a flurry of punches and kicks all over his body. Uzi props Dev to sit up, applying the Number of the Beast sleeper hold. He locks his legs around Devastation. He's telling him to tap out but Devastaton is fighting the hold. He's using his athleticism and using his hip to nudge himself closer to the ropes. Uzi's hold get tighter. The pain in Devastations moans is undeniable. He grabs the ropes! Uzi breaks the hold, walks back, baseball slide to the head. Devastation rolls out of the ring to give himself some time to recover. Uzi wants him back in the ring. Dev fakes the roll in. Uzi jumps and Dev grabs his legs, pulling him to the outside. The fans stand on their feet. Devastion shoves Uzi into the steel barricade. He slaps the chest of Uzi as it turns beat red. Dev Irish whips Uzi and he hits the steel ring post with his shoulder! Uzi drops to the ground as Dev comes at him again with a kick the head. BILL HEWSON: Uzi hits the ring post and then gets a sickening kick to the head for his troubles. JACK JONES: You have to keep on your opponent. Devastation is doing just that. That's why he's the champion. REX CALIBER: I thought he was the champion cos eight guys jumped me...nah, couldn't be. Dev picks up Uzi onto his shoulders. He goes to run into the post with Uzi's head but he wiggles off, shoving Devastation into the post. Uzi bulldogs Devastation into the ground. The ref has been counting them out the whole time, he is at 8. Uzi rolls into the ring quickly to break up the count. Back outside, Devastation is getting up - rubbing his head. Uzi goes outside onto the apron. he jumps down with a double Axe handle hitting it square. Uzi rolls Dev into the ring, following him in after. Uzi taunts Devastation to get to his feet. Dev does sp, Uzi kicks and Chicken Wing suplex's the heeby geeby's out of the Heavyweight Champion. Uzi goes for another pin attempt...one...two...only two! BILL HEWSON: Devastation kicks out again! JACK JONES: I'm still in shock that this match has been so back and forth. The Television champion is really sending a message to the main event guys here tonight! Uzi slams his fist onto the mat in frustration. He gets back to his feet as does Devastation. Uzi Irish whips, Dev comes back Uzi ducks for a back body drop. Devastation stops and puts him up into the Crucifix Powerbomb position... he slams him dow... NO! Uzi wiggles out of his position, grabbing hold of DevŐs arm.. REVERSE ARM BAR! Uzi holds on the arm, Devastation suddenly in a world of danger... he quickly extends a long leg and reaches the ropes, and both men are down. BILL HEWSON: MY GOD WHAT A MOVE! Uzi wiggled out, grabbing Devastations arm giving him a wicked reverse arm bar! REX CALIBER: I got no problem with that, it just softens Devastation up for my RINGS OF REX, BLAMMO! JACK JONES: Imagine if Uzi wins this... REX CALIBER: I'll be happy to give a real title match to Uzi if he beats Devastation after I win my belt back. I'll make him tap out like a bitch, but I'll defend my title. The ref starts the count; 1...2...3...4 Uzi starts to move first... 5... 6...Devastation throws an arm up and wakes himself up... 7... Uzi gets to one knee...8... Devastation follows... 9.... Uzi is up onto his feet to stop the count. Devastation follows up... kick to the stomach... Uzi grabs the same arm again and Japanese arm drags Devastation down into a CROSS-ARM BREAKER! Devastation actually yells in pain! JACK JONES: Uzi has that arm locked in! REX CALIBER: That's called a Jujigitame, Cap'n. But I bet you knew that. JACK JONES: ...of course I knew that! Why you gotta play me like that, Rex? What I ever done to you? REX CALIBER: Could be all the times you've insulted me on the air, Jack Attack. But I'll let it go cos you know, I don't blame idiots, I blame their parents. Speaking of which, how's your momma? JACK JONES: You stay away from my momma!
Uzi keeps the hold locked in as the ref is asking Devastation if he gives up. Devastation's brow is covered in sweat. His face is beat red as he tries to power out of the move. Uzi keeps it locked in tight. Devastation finds the ropes with his feet and the hold is broken up. Devastation grabs the arm immediately. Uzi takes a quick breath before getting back to his feet and jumping at Devastation with a disgusting jumping knee to the face. Dev's eyes roll back in his head. Uzi goes for the cover... ONE! TWO! TH--- NO! The champ kicks out again. BILL HEWSON: And again the Heavyweight Champion kicks out! Uzi is hot. He has the champion right where he wants him. He calls for Devastation to get to his feet. Uzi kicks Dev in the stomach and picks him up... RED SEA DRIVER... WIGGLE... NO! Devastation shifted his weight, falling backwards. Now he has Uzi in the tombstone position,but he doesn't go through with it... he flips up Uzi... BILL HEWSON: Oh my God, what strength! JACK JONES: That's the champion, Bill Hewson... Watch closely, Caliber! Uzi is draped over Devastations shoulders! Devastation... NAILS IT. BURNING HAMMER! The heavyweight champ covers ONE...TWO...THREE! FRANK WARBUTON: HERE IS YOUR WINNER.... THE NAPW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION; DEVVVVVAAAASSTATTTIIONN! Devastation lets Kiebiech raise his arm, then yanks the Heavyweight Title belt away from him. He wipes sweat from his brow and raises the belt high as Uzi rolls out of the ring. The TV Title is laid on his shoulder by the timekeeper, and Uzi drunk-stumbles his way around ringside. "I almost had him! Right here on TELEVISION!" Suddenly, Devastation points down the aisle to Rex Caliber. Caliber stands up... Caliber motions the belt around his waist as Devastation smirks, slapping the title belt. The two jawjack back and forth... REX CALIBER: One more week, Devastation! One week, and the title is mine! You better believe it! CRIMES CRIMES CRIMES rulin' the world! BILL HEWSON: We've got one more commercial break to take, but what a classic match that was. Stay tuned!
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is a TRIPLE-THREAT match, and is set for one fall! Introducing first accompanied by Bill Fleming... from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, he is one-half of the New & Improved D-X! This... is STYLIN'! KYLE! ROBERTS! BILL HEWSON: And you can see Kyle Roberts, notably lacking his trademark locks. Kyle Roberts has declared that he will not grow his hair back until D-X are once again the tag team champions. JACK JONES: Won't be long now, Hewson, all D-X needs to do is win the TAGSTRAVAGANZA special this Thursday and then it's easy pickings. BILL HEWSON: I don't know about that, Jones, after D-X lost their title shot last week against the Express, even with the help of the man coming out now... The music changes to "Smooth" by Santana & Rob Thomas. Chris Casino, resplendent in a sparkling sequined robe with THE FUTURE emblazoned on the back and his long blonde hair tied back, enters with his chin held high. He throws his trademark smirk towards the crowd as he saunters to the ring, clearly in no hurry, basking in the boos. Roberts waits, hunched in one corner, cracking his knuckles. FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing second... from Las Vegas Nevada! He is THE FUTURE... CHRIS! CASINNNNNOOOOO! JACK JONES: Forget Kryenik, this is the money match! Chris Casino, back to his senses, against the Man With The Blood On His Hands, Kyle Roberts. BILL HEWSON: It was just over one month ago that Kyle Roberts seemingly retired Chris Casino, but here he is. There's a lot of bad blood between these two men, from way back in January, and tonight it's set to explode. JACK JONES: Well let's break it down, Hewson. Casino hates Roberts. Roberts hates Casino. They both hate Kryenik, and Kryenik hates both of them. It doesn't get any more heated than that. Casino gets in the ring, demanding that the referee takes his robe off of him. The crowd boos at the preening Chris Casino... the lights return to normal, and Roberts gets right in Casino's face. Roberts, all intensity. Casino, the height of arrogance. The two jaw... and here comes Sick Billy Kryenik as his music fires up for the second time tonight! The crowd? Unglued! FRANK WARBURTON: And finally! From WINDSOR ONTARIO... one-half of the NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPEEEEENS... he is SICK! BILLY! KRYENNNNNIK! Kryenik slides into the ring, discarding his tag title belt on the ring apron. He gets in and before the bell can even ring starts laying in shots to Chris Casino and Kyle Roberts! He takes it to them both! The crowd goes crazy! Kryenik... RIGHT HOOK drops Casino! RIGHT HOOK drops Kyle Roberts! Unbelievable support for Bill Kryenik, and now he grabs both men... DOUBLE NOGGIN-KNOCKER! BILL HEWSON: Billy Kryenik wasting no time, taking the early advantage! And I don't know if Casino or Roberts were prepared for this level of ferocity from Kryenik! He's fighting for his tag team partner, injured at the hands of Casino! Fighting to send the Pure Honor Champion Patrick Bickle a message! Fighting for his very survival, in the ring with two evil, evil men! JACK JONES: He can't treat this as a handicap match though, he's got to let Casino & Roberts fight each other, then pick up the scraps! Kryenik now seems to have focused on Chris Casino as Roberts rolls to the outside. Kryenik sends Casino to the ropes... KISS OF BABYLON! The Superkick nails Casino in the butt of the jaw and takes him down. Kryenik makes a cover, one, two, CRACK. BILL HEWSON: MY GOD! MY GOD! STYLIN' KYLE JUST NAILED BILL KRYENIK WITH THE RING BELL! JACK JONES: The referee isn't sure what to do...it's a triple-threat match! BILL HEWSON: What the hell is this? Kyle Roberts not waiting two minutes before screwing this up, and oh no, now Chris Casino is up! Roberts gonna take his head off too! Casino turns. Roberts grins and raises the bell up! Casino puts his hand up to block... Roberts stops. Casino smirks. And the two men... EMBRACE. BILL HEWSON: What. The. HELL. JACK JONES: Holy Hell... it can't be! BILL HEWSON: Kyle Roberts and Chris Casino are embracing in the middle of the ring, I don't understand this! Roberts nearly ended Casino's career! Roberts just handed that ring bell to Casino? NO! NO! HE JUST BLASTED KRYENIK IN THE FACE! JACK JONES: ... I THINK IT'S TRUE! OH MY GOD! Kryenik collapses backwards, blood streaming from his forehead. Roberts and Casino shake hands, grins on both men's faces now. "LOW" hits once again, and suddenly from the back, it's THE BEAST. Bruce Richards stalks to the ring with a sick expression on his face. He gets in... AND EMBRACES CHRIS CASINO! RICHARDS! ROBERTS! CASINO! Kryenik is down, the referee has called the bell, he's throwing this match out and by God, what else can he do? BILL HEWSON: I... I'm stunned. JACK JONES: I'm ELATED. And I think The Beast has something to say to Kryenik! The Beast hauls up Kryenik by a handful of bloody hair, literally screaming spit into his face. Kryenik tries to fight back, but The Beast punches him straight in the face. The Beast hauls Kryenik up, and he's directing traffic in the ring. "Who's first?" Casino volunteers, putting his hand up in the air with a sarcastic smirk. He hooks Kryenik... BANKRUPT. BILL HEWSON: This...this was a set-up! It was a set-up all along! Chris Casino... is once again... in league with The New & Improved D-X! JACK JONES: You could call them Degeneration NEXT, Bill Hewson, because it's the second time around, and NOBODY saw it coming! Nobody! BILL HEWSON: Oh my God, oh my God... EMERALD FUSION ON KRYENIK! He couldn't! I don't believe it! WAIT A MINUTE! HERE'S EVAN CARTWRIGHT! EVAN CARTWRIGHT IS RUSHING THE RING! JACK JONES: He's not supposed to be NEAR a ring tonight, he's still recovering from being Bankrupted through a chair last week! CARTWRIGHT hits the ring and immediately begins to throw right hands, chops, strikes on every standing man! But the numbers are too much for him! He throws down on Kyle and The Beast, turns around... CASINO SUPERKICK. THE FUTUREKICK. Cartwright goes down, but the fight is still in him! He gets up... POLAR-IZER FROM ROBERTS. And The Beast...THE BEAST IS ON TOP! Wait just a damned minute! MOONSAULT! MOONSAULT! TWO-HUNDRED AND SEVENTY POUND PICTURE-PERFECT MOONSAULT! D-X connects with DOWN 'N' DIRTY! And then, they line themselves up. Fleming gets in the ring, applauding the scene. The Beast --- Chris Casino --- Stylin' Kyle. All three men raise their arms high in victory as the fans shower them with cups, garbage, bottles... BILL HEWSON: EVAN CARTWRIGHT AND BILLY KRYENIK HAVE BEEN LEFT LAYING...by the NEXT GENERATION OF THE RAT PACK! DEGENERATION NEXT! MY GOD! WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AT EPIC? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING TO HAPPEN AT EPIC? Degeneration NeXt stand tall. One week from tonight, live on Pay-Per-View... Chris Casino vs Evan Cartwright! Billy Kryenik vs Patrick Bickle! Thomas Deathrow vs Stein! Devastation vs Rex Caliber! IT WILL BE... EPIC. Lights down.
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