T A G S T R A V A G A N Z A06/01/2006
Carter Owens & Mark Cage start the match off. Chain wrestling to open up, arm twist, kip up, turn around, Owens with the upper hand. Tie-up, headlock, Cage with a back suplex --- Owens lands on his feet, lariat, Cage ducks underneath, German Suplex coming up, Owens fights it off, standing switch, Cage now fights off a German, spins around, front-face lock...and the SNAP suplex puts Owens down! Cage getting pumped up --- and Dextro slaps him on the shoulder when he gets too close, tagging himself in. Cage irritated, but pint-size femme fatale referee Morgan Smythe tells him the tag was legal. Dextro goes to work with some sweet technical work himself --- Dexplex sends Owens over the top rope! Dextro FLIES and MISSES Owens, crashing hard on the guardrail! Good God! Owens gets back into the ring, rolls back out and puts a gasping Dextro back in. Owens jams Dextro's head between his legs, up and DOWN. Powerbomb! Owens holds on, picks Dextro back up and powerbombs him again! One! Two! Dextro kicks out somehow! Owens hits the ropes, blind tag by Dez Carter on the rebound. Owens nails a bulldog on Dextro and then Smythe tells him to haul out of the ring. Dez Carter applies the Stretch Plumb to Dextro, will he make the man tap out? Mark Cage with the save, preventing the match from ending. Cage and Dez Carter tie up again, palm strike by Carter! Cage slumps to the corner as Dez Carter grabs Dextro... TIGER DRIVER! He makes a cover, but WATCH OUT FOR MARK CAGE! CAGE DROP connects to the back of Carter's head! Mark Cage celebrates, but Carter Owens wants a piece of that action... toe kick! Cage gets flipped up by the bigger man, into position... 11:52! Cage rolls out of the ring in pain as Owens gets back up, turning his attention to Dez Carter. Owens dragging the fallen Dez to a corner so that he can tag in... Dextro! LOW BLOW on Owens! Carter Owens collapses, and before you can say "WTF" Dextro hooks, twists, and METH BUSTS Dez Carter to the canvas for the three count! Dextro rolls out of the ring and cackles madly, screaming about the secret word being "WINNER" and, well, screaming. Carter Owens & Mark Cage in the ring, staring down... and a handshake for fantastic sportsmanship. Dez Carter on the outside with Asuka looks to be in absolute disbelief that he lost yet again.
And making their way to the ring to start things off... The New & Improved D-X? D-X with the guaranteed last shot, making their way out to do some guest commentary, it seems. While Kyle gets comfortable, Bruce Richards stops to jaw with a well-dressed man in the front row: a man named Ravager. Ravager stands up and stares coldly into the face of The Beast. Bill Fleming pulls The Beast away from Ravager; the latter returns to his seat casually. TOO casually. TAGSTRAVAGANZA is set to begin... NOW.
Hm ho ho, it's the manly men vs two hard bodied opponents. It will be Rod Hardway and Dan The Man starting up, and what's this? We've got a POSE-DOWN. Dan flexes his iron-hard, perfectly bronzed pecs in ALL your favorite disgusting body-builder poses, and Rod Hardway counters with his own overdone flexing and posing. Team Man's stylist, Lance, is fanning himself with his pink scarf. He's positively flustered. Test of strength? Why sure! Dan seems to be winning, forcing Rod Hardway to go down... but wait! Rod begins to come back! He turns the hands around! Dan in clear agony now from the fingerlock, prancing around on his tippie-toes. Rod throws a headbutt into Dan's perfect face to gain an advantage, but hot damn. That just made Dan The Man ANGRY. He charges! MANLY LARIAT! *kiss*. Tag in to Thor Heinie... DOUBLE SPINEBUSTER! Thor Heinie makes a cover, one, two, Durty Dutch Flanagan breaks it up. Thor does a couple one-armed push-ups before locking on a Funk spinning toe hold. The crowd nearly riots. BRUCE RICHARDS: Did I miss something, or are we in Japan? The toe hold is released, as Heinie picks his man up. Down, Lance. Irish whip, Rod Hardway ducks the clothesline and comes off the ropes... Mafia Kick to the face of Thor Heinie! That takes the MANLY MAN down, and Rod slaps his thigh. Tag into Dutch Flanagan, who comes off the top rope with a missile dropkick! Cover gets two! Flanagan hits the ropes --- Lance grabs the ankle of Dutch! That's all Thor Heinie needs to damn near decapitate Dutch with the Clothesline from Sweden (with love). Cover gets one, two, Dutch with a kick out. Near fall right there. Tag back into Dan The Man, and Team Man begins to Hot Potato Dutch back and forth. Hm ho ho! Rod Hardway storms into the ring and gets in the middle, HE catches Dutch in his arms... and with Stiff Competition in the middle of the ring, Team MAN each hit the rope! MANWICH time! Rod drops Dutch, but can't duck in time. Rod Hardway like succulent pressed ham in between two loaves of hearty bread named Dan and Thor! KYLE ROBERTS: OH...OH MY GOD...THE HORROR! THE PAIN! Oh NO! I can't watch! Hardway collapses, overwhelmed and squashed... but here's Durty Dutch! Dropkick to Thor Heinie sends Thor spilling out of the ring! Dan with a lariat attempt, Dutch ducks underneath, rolls Dan up, grabs the ropes, and it's enough for ONE TWO THREE! Stiff Competition takes a pinfall, to the intense disappointment of Team MAN. Lance looks near tears OH GOD! Thor Heinie nails Dutch from behind... STOCKHOLM SYNDROME! Dutch is out, and Rod is still recovering from being MANWICHED when the next team makes their entrance...
Stiff Competition are still picking themselves up as they hear "He's Going The Distance" by Cake play over the arena PA. Dream Come True hits the ring! Ainsley goes straight for Dutch, with Jared attacking Rod. Rod and Jared end up on the outside of the ring. John Sharplin can't keep up with the outside action... Rod clotheslines Jared over the railing in front of Ravager! KYLE ROBERTS: Bob better not interfere! BRUCE RICHARDS: He knows better to mess with our show. In the ring Dutch seems to have shrugged off the Syndrome's effects. He's fuelled by ANGER. Dutch hits a dropkick on Miss Lake. He goes after her and applies a leg lock. Rod and Jared are fighting in the crowd! Rod seems to be taking out his anger at being manwiched on Jared Walsh, who felt the ManWich just last week himself! Rod clotheslines Walsh to the concrete and promptly poses to the disgust of the packed Polish Hall. "Now that's a MAN, man!" Walsh is up rather quickly and hits a spinning wheel kick to the back of Rod's head, which sends him back over the railing. Inside the ring Dutch is caught holding the ropes for leverage and Sharplin makes him release the leg lock. Dutch get's into the face of Sharplin and curse words fly. "Bleep you and ya 5 count." Ainsley takes the opportunity to hit a swinging neck breaker. Dutch is down and Lake covers. One...Two... Kick out by Dutch. Ainsley rolls to her corner, Jared Walsh finally in position. She doesn't leave after she tags him... Dream Come True attempting a double team! Rod comes in and goes after Ainsley. He has her up for a gorilla press slam. Wait! She reverses it to a hurricanrana! Jared is working over Dutch... when John Sharplin tries to get Lake out, Dutch hits a low blow on Jared. Rod gets the tag and comes in with a huge boot to the head of Walsh. He covers! ONE! TWO! Shoulder up. Rod looks frustrated. He takes Jared and makes him tag in Ainsley. "Come on!" Miss Lake replies with a dropkick to the left knee. Then one to the right! Rod collapses to his knees... double boot to the head! Rod is down. Ainsley covers for one...TWO... Rod presses her off of him. Dutch is in and nails Jared! Stiff Competition take Lake to the corner. Dutch is on the top rope. Rod lifts Ainsley up... DURTY WAY BOMB! Lake is covered by Rod, this is over! ONE, TWO, THREE--- Jared Walsh makes the last-second save! Jared carries Lake to the DCT corner and tags himself in! Jared Walsh is a house of fire. Clothesline on Rod! Dropkick on Dutch! They both go to the outside! Lake is back in action now, and... stereo suicide dives take out Stiff Competition! Ainsley and Jared get back into the ring as Sharplin begins to count Rod out. ONE...TWO...THREE...FOUR...FIVE...SIX... Rod finally gets into the ring. No sooner is he back in than Dream Come True send him to the corner... They're going for it! BURNING SAINTS! Walsh covers Rod as Ainsley nails an incoming Dutch with a baseball slide... ONE! TWO! THREE! Dream Come True have scored a pinfall in the gauntlet...
...but they get little time to rest as Kabukimono run out before their music starts to play. Bakuto slides into the ring first as Guy N. Cognito gets onto the apron. Ainsley Lake stays in the match but receives a violent clothesline right off the bat. Bakuto picks her up for a piledriver. He goes for the quick cover. One...two... No! Ainsley kicks out. Jared wants the tag as he reaches into the ring. Bakuto walks over, swinging at him. Jared ducks the punches and sends one of his own - ON TARGET! Bakuto stumbles back with Ainsley behind him. She school boys him up for a quick two count before Bakuto kicks out. Bakuto gets right back up. Ainsley jumps for Jared and makes the tag. Jared comes in on fire. He hits a Spinning Wheel Kick with Bakuto rolling into his corner. Cognito is tagged in only to meet scissor kick. Kabukimono roll out of the ring to slow down the match. Jared is calling on all comers as Bakuto comes back in first to distract Jared. Jared kicks him, giving Cognito time to roll in. Cognito kicks Jared square in the jewels, sending him down. Cognito goes down to the canvas and chokes Jared with both hands. Jareds face is turning a different colour as Ainsley runs in to break up the choke. Cognito takes exception and starts to stalk her. She throws a right but it get caught. Cognito turns and picks her up by the right arm and slams her down in front of him. Cognito rolls her out of the ring. Jared gets back up but only for a short stint as Cognito clobbers him with a Gore into the corner. Bakuto gets tagged in and he goes to work on Jared. He props him up onto the top ropes - SUPER BOMB! Bakuto picks Jared back up - THUNDERFIRE BOMB! KYLE ROBERTS: He stole that move from me! Didn't he? I smell lawsuit! Jared is in a world of hurt but kicks out of a pinning attempt at two. Bakuto throws Jared into his own corner and begs him to tag Ainsley. Ainsley takes the tag but comes in cautiously. Bakuto runs at her but Ainsley springs through his legs. She comes back at him, leap frogs up hitting the Hurricanrana! The crowd pops for the athleticism. Bakuto rolls into his own corner but Ms. Lake dropkicks him in the chops for his efforts. Bakuto drops the outside. Cognito tags himself in but Ainsley had him scouted as she drop toe holds him. She gets back up to run off the ropes. Bakuto is back up and he trips her up and yanks her to the outside. Jared gets off the apron and goes over to meet up with Bakuto. Bakuto slams Ainsley into the guard rail and then rolls her into the ring. Cognito pays her no mind and comes outside with his partner and Jared. Jared hits Bakuto. Cognito hits Jared. Cognito picks up Jared, Bakut steps back a few feet - HEART PUNCH! Jared is laid out, holding his chest in intense pain! Cognito rolls into the ring as Ainsley is recovering. Guy grabs her by the hair and tosses her into the corner. He lays the boots to her midsection before propping her up on the top ropes, delivering a Spike DDT! Guy N. goes for the pinfall but the spirit of Ms. Lake is too much as she lifts her shoulders in a close fall. Cognito tags in Bakuto. Bakuto runs in and stomps Ainsley. Cognito stays in the ring. Bakuto does the "Cut Throat" sign as he ascends to the top ropes. Cognito sets and slams Ainsley down with his Full Nelson Back breaker... HARI-KARI! Bakuto goes for the cover, one, two, THREE. Kabukimono takes care of business. KYLE ROBERTS: Now that's hardly sporting! She's just a girl! One fully-formed, fairly attractive girl! BRUCE RICHARDS: And it looks like the Celtic Assassins are coming out! Didn't they get the luck of the draw?
The Celts walk down to the ring, slowly, calmly, staring down Cognito and Bakuto. Bakuto slides out of the ring, ready to start the fight before the bell rings! Stiff kick to the side of Bobby O'Brady. That's gotta hurt! Al Thoes, however, manages to slide the smaller Bakuto back into the ring, and gets in himself. The ref can finally call for the bell! Al Thoes against...Cognito? Bakuto? No, looks like the former gym teacher's going to start. Thoes calls for the test of strength! KYLE ROBERTS: Geez, these men are the same size! How did I never notice that about Guy N. Cognito before? Both men are struggling for the upper hand here! It's all Thoes can do to resist against Cognito winning the test! Thoes gets his hands over Cognito, and he's getting Cognito to knuckle under the pressure! Cognito's bending back! GAH! Headbutt by Cognito, and that breaks the test of the strength. The fans are not impressed, and they're booing Cognito, who waves all their catcalls away. Thoes is on the mat, and Cognito dives on him! Body splash! Ouch! And Cognito starts to strangle Thoes, getting a four count from the ref before relenting. Bobby O'Brady, in the corner, is shouting at the ref to start doing his damn job! Cognito mounts Thoes, and is about to lay in with punches, but Thoes' hand grabs the throat of the former gym teacher. The crowd pops as Thoes gets up, still holding Cognito by the throat. Thoes throws Guy to the ropes, and follows it up with a POWER CLOTHESLINE! Guy is down, but Al picks him up, and calls out "Again?" The crowd cheers, and Al throws Cognito to the ropes once more. Bakuto slaps Cognito on the back for the blind tag, but Al catches Cognito in a powerslam! Al is really feeling it here tonight, as he looks over his massive opponent. CHOPBLOCK! Thoes goes down, clutching his leg. And Bakuto, trying to keep the advantage, throws on a leg lock, as Guy Cognito rolls out of the ring to recuperate. Bobby O'Brady's shouting at his partner to pull through! Thoes is grimacing, clawing to the rope, but Bakuto's got that leg wrenched so it's bent over the thigh of Al. Bakuto's clenching his teeth, as Thoes is crawling towards the ropes. BRUCE RICHARDS: Bakuto's definitely doing damage to that leg of Thoes, but there's only so much leverage that a 200-pound man has over The Scottish Bulldozer. KYLE ROBERTS: No, you're thinking of someone else. Thoes is "The Scottish Wrecking Machine." Thoes is almost to the ropes, he's got a few inches to go, but Bakuto lets go of the leg and flips over Thoes for a headlock. He's stopped Al from touching the ropes, but the bigger man gets to his knees, with Bakuto shaking his head in panic. Al Thoes gets up, if only for a second, and drops on his back, just flattening the Yakuza. Bakuto releases the headlock as the wind is knocked out of him. Thoes crawling to his corner as O'Brady is calling to his partner for the tag! Cognito climbs under his rope, attempting to stop the tag. The ref rushes to get him back in his corner. Thoes with the tag to his partner! The crowd erupts as Bobby O'Brady runs in and drops an elbow on Bakuto. What's this? The ref is pushing O'Brady back to his corner! He didn't see the tag, and O'Brady's protesting! KYLE ROBERTS: But! O'Brady's the legal man! Nah, you know what? I'm not caring. Thoes can take care of himself. Bakuto gets up and walks over to where Thoes is resting, right beside his corner, and drags the big man out for more punishment! Bakuto picks Thoes up so the Celtic Assassin is standing once again. And Bakuto connects with the enzuigiri to the back of Thoes' head! Thoes falls, and Bakuto with the quick pin. One! Two! No, Thoes FORCEFULLY pushing Bakuto off of him. In the corner, Cognito is shocked. Thoes is on his hands and knees, now, and pulls himself up using the ropes. Bakuto runs at him, but Thoes, thinking quickly, drops and pulls down the top rope with him. Bakuto's up and over! He falls to the outside of the ring, and Thoes gets to his corner. Finally! Tag! O'Brady's in, now, and he jumps to the outside, picking up Bakuto by the scruff of the neck and shoves him inside the ring. He stomps on the Yakuza, and then flips him over. A headlock from the front, as O'Brady just starts dishing out the knees to Bakuto's face. That's gotta hurt! Bakuto's out of it after all those knees, and O'Brady flips the smaller man over and covers for the pin. Only a two count. O'Brady, angry at the damage Kabukimono's dished out on his partner, throws Bakuto over his shoulders and starts pulling. The Torture Rack is just squeezing the life out of Bakuto. But a KICK TO O'BRADY'S FACE! Cognito, out of nowhere! O'Brady goes down as Cognito starts laying the big boots to the Irish Adonis. And now Bakuto with a leg drop onto the head of Bobby. And Thoes is in, and he's looking for someone to squash! He irish whips Cognito to the turnbuckle, and one mammoth splash by Al Thoes! Thoes throws the former gym teacher out of the ring. Bakuto's behind O'Brady, and the Yakuza locks in a chicken wing armbar! KYLE ROBERTS: In Japan, that's referred to as a Kimura, after the Japanese legend Masahiko Kimura, who use it to defeat Helio Gracie back in the fifties. BRUCE RICHARDS: Whatever it's called, it's wearing Bobby down! O'Brady is fading out here, due to that armlock by the Strong Style student. He's down to one knee! With every bit of power that O'Brady can muster, he flips Bakuto over him! A head vice on the Yakuza is making him cry out in pain! It's like Bobby's squeezing a coconut! Thoes comes over to where Bobby is, and they confer. They each put an arm around Bakuto's head and a double DDT! Right to the mat! Bakuto's out! O'Brady pins, as Thoes grins! One! Two! Thre-NO! Guy Cognito pulls O'Brady off Bakuto! What's this? A double lift chokehold on Thoes? That's strength right there! And a bomb to the mat! The ref is in Cognito's face, trying to get him back in his corner! Cognito does so after jawing with the ref. O'Brady's livid, but he decided to take it out on the legal man! He picks up Baku-ROLL UP BY BAKUTO! One! Two! Three-NOOOOO! O'Brady kicks out! Wow! The fans are cheering for the Celtic Assassins! They're relieved that O'Brady wasn't pinned in a crafty maneuver by Bakuto. Bakuto gets to his corner, and tags in Cognito! Cognito goes full bore for O'Brady, and Bobby with a hip toss! The crowd cheers! Bobby picks up Cognito, and irish whips him into the Celtic corner! A clothesline into the corner, and as Cognito drops to the mat, Bobby tags in Al Thoes! Thoes, wasting no time, motions for the Haggis Buster! KYLE ROBERTS: Oh my god! How's he lifting Guy N. Cognito upside down like that? VERTEBREAKER! Haggis Buster connects! Thoes covers Cognito in the centre of the ring... One! Two! Bakuto rushes at Thoes, but O'Brady's there to cut him off! Three! The Celtic Assassins move on... but Kyle Roberts and Bruce Richards, the last men in this gauntlet, drop their headsets, stalk around the ring until they're behind the Assassins celebrating, and jump them from behind!
The three-time tag champs are all over the weary Celtic Assassins. And when we say all over, we mean ALL OVER. The Beast in particular seems to have a chip on his shoulder and a point to prove, man-handling even the comparably-sized Celtic Assassins. Powerslam one! Powerslam TWO, O'Brady on top of Thoes! The freshly-bald shaven Roberts snaps his fingers and crisply bounces off the ropes with the LIONSAULT! Richards covers Thoes, kick-out by the Scotsman. Richards stays in as Roberts & O'Brady hit their corners, sending a vicious boot right into the face of Thoes... off the ropes, Beast Senton squashes Thoes! Here comes Kyle Roberts into the ring. "COME ON, BABY!" ARROGANT COVER~! gets TWO. Roberts pulls Thoes up and hooks him up for a front-suplex. Float-over, Roberts going for the BEAR-TAMER! He's got both legs, can he turn his man over? Thoes with great leg strength flips Kyle over and makes the tag to O'Brady! The Irish Adonis is a house of fire, daddy! Body slam on Roberts! Richards rushes, gets a bodyslam for his troubles. O'Brady hooks Roberts before he can get up and starts LAYING. IN. Knees to the top of Robert's head. Watch out for The Beast! Goozle to O'Brady... The Beast with an almighty CHOKESLAM! Roberts makes a cover, one, two, O'Brady with the shoulder up. But the momentum has been cut off, and now D-X looks to cut the ring in two. O'Brady shot to D-X's corner, Roberts suddenly begins to argue with the referee... which allows D-X manager Bill Fleming to choke O'Brady on the bottom rope. That brings Al Thoes into the ring, and now the referee John Sharplin is tied up forcing Thoes back to his corner. The Beast? You better believe he hauls O'Brady to the outside, pick-up, CRUNCH against the ring post goes O'Brady! Rolled back in, Roberts with a cover that gets one, two, O'Brady gets the shoulder up. Stylin' Kyle Roberts makes the tag to The Beast, who steps over on the apron. Roberts hooks his man up and hits the Brainbuster, followed up by a a slingshot leg-drop by The Beast! ONE! TWO! And AL THOES with a save for his team after that perfect double-team by D-X. Thoes heads back to his corner, as Bobby begins to crawl for the tag --- The Beast rushes... and nails THOES, sending him out to the floor. O'Brady has nobody to tag, and The Beast hooks him with a pump-handle... SUPLEX. O'Brady goes flying back across the ring. The Beast levels him with a running knee before tagging Kyle back in. Double irish whip... New & Improved Double Leg-Drag! Bobby O'Brady is in a world of trouble, this segment of the Tagstravaganza has been allll D-X. Roberts hoists O'Brady onto his shoulders, grins... MOOSE JAW DRIVER. That's all! ONE! TWO! THREE! ...NO! Bobby O'Brady somehow, someway got his foot on the ropes to break up a sure three-count. Kyle Roberts can't believe it, eyes wide. He's arguing the count with the referee, Sharplin won't back down, the man's foot was on the ropes. Roberts snarls at Sharplin and turns back to the Celt. He picks O'Brady up, and O'Brady catches him with a sudden inside cradle! ONE! TWO! Th--- Roberts kicks out. The crowd thought that might have been it. Roberts immediately drives his elbow right into O'Brady's face and tags in The Beast. The Beast seems insulted by that inside cradle attempt, and he's going to make O'Brady pay for it... TORTURE RACK (OF DOOM). O'Brady is being stretched across The Beast's massive shoulders, and this has gotta be all! O'Brady can't have much left, and thank God for him that Al Thoes makes a sudden save, coming out of NOWHERE to boot The Beast in the gut! The Beast wobbles and falls, O'Brady landing on top of him... one! Two! The Beast kicks out, and both men are down. Al Thoes is begging for the tag... The Beast stumbles over to his corner and tags in Stylin' Kyle. Roberts comes in and grabs O'Brady by the ankle... O'Brady kicks him away, makes a last gasp grap, and ... HOT. TAG. THOES. POWER CLOTHESLINE! POWER SLAM! POWER SUPLEX! POWER CLOTHESLINE AGAIN! Al Thoes has been cut loose from all tethers and is taking it to The New & Improved D-X like you wouldn't believe! O'Brady has rolled to the outside, completely worn out from Kabukimono and then D-X. Al Thoes against the world, folks, and Al Thoes... is winning. And like he did to Guy Cognito, Thoes sets Kyle Roberts up for the HAGGIS BUSTER in a great show of strength --- The Beast with the CLAW. The Beast has the CLAW on Al Thoes, forcing him to drop Kyle Roberts. This could be the end of Al Thoes. Wait, no. That kick to the goolies could be the end of Bruce Richards' ability to have children. Thoes with a power clothesline sends The Beast toppling to the outside, where he bounces hard off the concrete. Thoes turns around --- Roberts boots him --- EMERALD FUSION. EMERALD FUSION. Say it again, it just makes it sound worse. Al Thoes is down, Al Thoes is out, and a dazed, deranged Kyle Roberts... isn't going for the cover? Kyle Roberts with mania in his eyes, screaming to the crowd "Is this your HERO? Do you know what I do to HEROES? I FINISH THEM!" Roberts drags the half-dead Al Thoes to his feet, looking him in the eyes. Good God no, he's going to do it again! Roberts hoists Thoes into position, turning in a circle to display to the audience just WHO is in control. He gets a perfect view of Bobby O'Brady barreling head-first into his stomach with a spear. More like a running head-butt and wait a minute, Al Thoes slips off of the Fusion, and has enough ring presence to roll Kyle Roberts up for ONE! TWO! ... THREEEEEEEE! The Celtic Assassins win the Tagstravaganza and become the number one contenders! The Beast slides into the ring just too late to stop the pinfall! Kyle Roberts sits up, eyes wide in shock, as the Celtic Assassins roll out of the ring, O'Brady supporting his partner (still feeling the effects of the Emerald Fusion), but the crowd is going OATMEAL for the Celtic Assassins, who have just scored the biggest victory of their career! Ravager applauds from the front row, clearly pleased by the outcome, as D-X remain in the ring in utter shock. Once again, the Celtic Assassins win TAGSTRAVAGANZA... pinning The New & Improved D-X!
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