TUESDAY. NIGHT. FIGHTS.06/20/2006
BILL HEWSON: MY GOD! MY GOD HE DID IT! HE ENDED THE REIGN OF THE VICIOUS PHENOM! UNBELIEVABLE! / This capacity crowd in the Polish Hall is full of joy! Full of love for Rex Caliber, THE HEAVYWEIGHT...CHAMPION! FLASH BILL HEWSON: And now... damn it, look at that sick bastard Static! He's grinning like a damn cheshire cat, this coward! Static didn't want to go through the motions like everyone else had to, he couldn't! / THE CRIMES ARE DYING...before our very eyes! FLASH JESS CHAPEL: YES! YES! YES! D! WINS! D! WINS! GONZAGA WINS! D! WINS! HE JUST WON THREE MATCHES IN ONE NIGHT TO WIN THIS THING! D! WINS! GONZAGA WINS! D! WINS! FLASH STATIC: AM I GOOD ENOUGH NOW, REX?! AM I AS DESERVING AS D!, YET? COME ON REX! CRIMES CRIMES CRIMES! FLASH MARVIN DARLING: Here is your winner... and the 2006 Champion of Champions... DDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FLASH REX CALIBER: Static, You didn't blind me... You PISSED ME OFF! You signed your own personal contract to pain and injury... FLASH DEVASTATION: To hold a REAL title, unlike that one Rex needs protection to hold...Coward. I... am... the F*NAPW WORLD Champion. FLASH D!: I'm coming home . . . to NAPW. FLASH REX: Static... You're only a danger to yourself now. YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG MOTHER(BLEEP)ER. FLASH STATIC: Rex, in your pitiful, Ritalin-fueled rush to kick my ass, you forgot that I am WAY more hardcore than you can ever dream of. You just signed your (BLEEP)ing death warrant, sucker. FLASH REX CALIBER: I'm Rex (BLEEP)ing Caliber... The Two time and reigning King of NAPW! The 245 pound (BLEEP) Hammer of Destruction! And I'm your executioner, Static! FLASH D!: And I'm bringing the world with me. Down. And fade into a packed Polish Hall, a thousand strong, ready for NAPW TUESDAY. NIGHT. FIGHTS. And there is NO. TIME. WASTED. FRANK WARBURTON: This next match is a singles match and it is for the NAPW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Standing to my left, the challenger -weighing in at two hundred and thirty five pounds, from Moolieville, Minnesota... this... IS... DEEEXXXXXTRO! Dextro doesn't acknowledge the jeers from the crowd, scratching his arms and staring out at the entrance aisle through strands of greasy hair. He snaps at - literally attempts to bite - Henry Andrews when the junior official tries to give him some of the finer points of the rules and Andrews back away quickly with his hands raised. BILL HEWSON: For those of you wondering why Henry Andrews is in the ring for this NAPW Heavyweight Title match instead of Dick Kiebiech, this was only made a title match at the last moment by the request of Rex Caliber. What a huge opportunity for Dextro - it would be a huge upset, but he has a chance to become the NAPW Heavyweight Champion here tonight! JACK JONES: As much as I would love the see that belt off of Rex Caliber's grubby waist, this guy would probably just pawn it off for drug money! FRANK WARBURTON: And coming to the ring now, weighing in at two hundred and forty-five pounds - he is the current NAPW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... REX! CAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLIBER! "Even More Human Than Human" blasts into the Polish Hall and the fans are on their feet for the NAPW Heavyweight Champion! Rex Caliber comes from the back with the belt raised high over his head to a thunderous ovation that gets this Tuesday Night Fights started right! Rex lowers the belt slowly and looks to his left, then his right, almost disappointed. Rex Caliber throws his hands high once more, the sixteen pounds of gold glinting under the hot lights and the roof comes off the Polish Hall! Draping the belt over his shoulder, Rex Caliber points towards Dextro and makes his way down to the ring. Dextro backs off to the ropes as Rex stares him down then Rex goes to the corner and climbs up to hold the belt aloft once more - Dextro from behind! Dextro with a series of hard forearms to the back brings Rex Caliber down from the turnbuckle. Dextro grabs Rex by his shiny head and slams his face into the turnbuckle. Henry Andrews frantically calls for the bell to start the match and snatches the fallen title belt from the feet of the champion. Dextro rains down a windmill of rights and lefts on the back of a stunned Rex Caliber, driving him to his knees while the crowd lets Dextro know exactly what they think of him. BILL HEWSON: Dextro attacking before the bell! Reprehensible but I have to admit that in this scenario it might have been the smart move! Dextro is still getting his career started here in the NAPW and Rex Caliber is a tried a true veteran, one of the toughest men we have ever seen standing in that ring. The Meth Orphan is going to need to take any advantage he can to walk out of here with the title belt. JACK JONES: Or you could look at it this way: maybe Rex Caliber should have focused less on preening for his "fans" and more on getting the job done right from the start. He deserved to get a smack across the head, that arrogant jerk! Dextro is giving Rex more than that, now stomping on the champion's back. Dextro takes a quick step back then delivers a kick to Rex's spine, driving the toe of his boot right into the small of Caliber's back. Rex comes to his feet, shoulders thrown back in pain. Dextro wastes no time at all hooking both of Rex's extended arms and turns him around... this could be it! Dextro goes for the Meth BustNO! Rex Caliber shoves Dextro off into the ropes and floors him with a shoulder block on the way back. A close call for the champion in the early goings. Dextro begins to get back to his feet and Rex Caliber hits the ropes. Dextro drops back down to the mat and Rex leaps over him. Dextro to his feet as Rex Caliber comes running back and jumps over the champion with a perfect leapfrog. Caliber puts on the breaks and spins around with a clothesline attempt but Dextro ducks under it. Rex turning again only to be caught by a hard closed fist right to the face! Rex Caliber stumbles back and Dextro catches the champion with a dropkick that sends him through the middle ropes and tumbling to the outside. Rex looks dazed as he gets up to his knees. JACK JONES: Hoh-hoh! Looks like the challenger has a bit of quickness in him that Rex wasn't looking for. This one could be a more even match than anyone expected! BILL HEWSON: Dextro certainly impressive here early in the match, but can he keep it up? JACK JONES: I heard your wife asking that same question. Rex shakes his head and rolls back into the ring and Dextro catches him with a low dropkick before he can even get back to his feet. Henry Andrews warns Dextro back as Rex cringes and grabs his back with one hand, using the other to pull himself upright with the ropes. Dextro is bouncing from foot to foot as he watches Rex, waiting for the champion to come off the ropes. Rex does and Dextro charges in with a clothesline attempt. This time it is Rex ducking out of the way and hammering Dextro with a stiff forearm when he turns back around. Dextro backed into the ropes and Rex has an arm. Irish whip into the corner... WHAM! Dextro hits and snaps forward to land on the mat, the impact practically shaking the Polish Hall which comes alive with cheers for the champion. Rex sizes up Dextro as the Meth Orphan tries to regain his footing, waiting for his opportunity. The challenger stumbles back towards the center of the ring and Rex runs in at him... Dextro hits the mat at the last second, forcing Rex to take a long step over him. Dextro back to his feet as Rex hits the ropes and returns, jumps up for another leapfroSTO! Rex Caliber puts on the brakes and catches Dextro in midair with the STO, folding the Meth Orphan right in half! Rex Caliber with the pin; One! TWO! THR-NO! Dextro gets his shoulder up at the last possible second. BILL HEWSON: Dextro staying in the game! JACK JONES: You know, if you "stay in the game" for more than four hours you should contact your local physician. Side-effects of Dextro include- BILL HEWSON: Enough already! Rex grabs a handful of Dextro's hair and makes a face at the feel of it but hauls the challenger up despite that. Rex hooks Dextro in a front facelock and goes for the simple but effective vertical suplex. Dextro hooks his leg around Rex's and blocks the attempt. Rex drives a knee up into Dextro's stomach and tries again, but Dextro blocks it a second time! Rex slams his knee up again and Dextro hooks one arm under Rex's leg - FISHERMAN SUPLEX! Dextro brings Rex Caliber up and over in the fisherman suplex, holding it for the perfect pin; One! TWO! Rex rolls his whole body over, bringing both men to their knees. Rex powers up to his feet, freeing his leg from Dextro's grip and grabbing one of his own. HIGH CRADLE SUPLEX! Rex Caliber brings Dextro crashing down to the mat and floats over into a pin of his own; One! Two! Kickout! Dextro and Rex both come back to their feet and meet in the center of the ring. Dextro! Rex! Forearms! Knees! These two men are a whirlwind! It ain't technical and it ain't pretty, but the barrage from both men is damn sure painful! Rex blocks a high right from Dextro and whirls around with a crushing European uppercut that may have loosened a few teeth! Dextro stumbles back towards the corner and ends up meeting the turnbuckle harder than expected when Rex charges after him and flattens him with a straight-up running splash. BILL HEWSON: That has got to hurt! JACK JONES: Like your four hour ere- BILL HEWSON: I said enough! Dextro staggers drunkenly out of the corner and Rex picks his legs, dropping him to the mat. The crowd roars as Rex Caliber begins tying Dextro's legs up for the Nexus Cloverleaf... Dextro lashes out with one foot, kicking Rex Caliber straight in the groin! Eyes cross and hands drop into laps all throughout the male portion of the audience as Rex takes a slow step backwards and then tips over sideways. Henry Andrews warns Dextro, but the Meth Orphan isn't paying attention as he gets slowly back to his feet. Dextro looks to the corner and grins, glancing back at the fallen and pained champion. The challenger climbs up to the top rope as the crowd boos angrily. Dextro primes himself for the jump and - Rex Caliber lunges for the ropes, draping both arms over the top and giving it a violent shake. For a moment it looks like Dextro might be able to keep his balance but no! Tit for tat or nut for nut as Dextro falls and is crotched across the top turnbuckle! Rex Caliber throws his hands up signaling for the end and the crowd couldn't be happier for it. Rex Caliber hooks Dextro's head and pulls him off the turnbuckle... TOTAL ANNIHILATION! Rex Caliber just CRUSHES Dextro with the muscle buster and makes the pin. One! Two! Three! FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner and STILL NAPW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAM- Frank Warburton is cut off as Rex walks over and snatches the microphone from his hands, grabbing his title belt from a bewildered Henry Andrews, throwing it over his shoulder and pacing the ring as Dextro rolls slowly to the outside. BILL HEWSON: I think the champion has something to say here. REX CALIBER: No need for that, Franky, because I'm not done for the night! You all know that when I was dropping Dextro in the Total Annihilation it wasn't Dextro that I was thinking about! STATIC! The crowd lets their hatred be known in a very vocal manner. REX CALIBER: STATIC! Get your midget ass out to the ring! I don't want to wait til next week! The CHAMPION wants to do this thing right here, right now! Get out here and take your shot, you screwy bitch! Rex continues to pace the ring, his head snapping towards the entrance as "Crimes" by the Blood Brothers hits and the crowd goes absolutely crazy with a huge hate-on for Static. Rex is practically licking his lips as he goes to the ropes, leaning over the top and gesturing with both hands for Static to bring it on. BILL HEWSON: We could be seeing the match of a lifetime right now, Jack Attack! Static facing off against Rex Caliber! The music continues to play but there is no Static to be seen. Rex continues to gesture for Static to bring it on, but there is no response from the back. The music dies down finally leaving just the boos of the crowd. Rex grabs his belt from his shoulders and the cheers come loud and proud as "Even More Human Than Human" blasts and the CHAMPION hits the corners, holding the belt high. Fade to commercial.
BILL HEWSON: Welcome back wrestling fans! We are proud, damn proud of NAPW's homegrown talent, the former NAPW Champion, I can only be talking about one man tonight... and that's D!, who just five days ago became the first ever CHAMPION of CHAMPIONS in the TEAM 2006 Tournament of Champions! He won three matches in one night over some of the most respected talent in professional wrestling today, defeating the phenomenal MR. AMAZING! in the final match! JACK JONES: And what a win it will be for CHOPPER right now, when he takes that Champion of Champions and pins him to the canvas for one, two three! "Keep Talkin'" by Juvenile hits the PA and the crowd start in with their boos before Chopper even appears from behind the curtain. FRANK WARBURTON: Coming to the ring first, weighing in at two-hundred and twenty pounds and hailing from Miami, Florida..."The Ghetto Heisman!" Chopper! Chopper slides into the ring and glares at the rowdy crowd. FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent, weighing in tonight at two-hundred and ten pounds, hailing from right here in Edmonton, Alberta... The 2006 TEAM Champion of Champions... DEEEEEE! "Right Before My Eyes" by The Snitches blasts and the crowd explodes as the former two time Heavyweight Champion emerges from the back. Draped over his shoulder is the newly won "Champion Of Champions" Title. BILL HEWSON: This should be a great match as Chopper goes heads up with a very determined D! JACK JONES: Bah, Chopper is from the hood. He'll kill D!. D! hands his belt to the referee and stares down the always tough Chopper. The ref calls for the bell and the two men start to circle each other cautiously. They go to lock up in the center of the ring but D! shocks Chopper by planting a boot to his gut! D! quickly follows up with a pair of stiff looking right hands to the head that leave Chopper staggering on rubber legs. D! backs Chopper against the ropes and Irish whips him across the ring only to drop him with a clothesline on the rebound! D! drops a leg across the face of Chopper and goes for a cover! Chopper kicks out at two and tries to roll out of the ring but D! cuts him off at the pass. D! stomps on the hands of Chopper and lands another kick, this one to the head of "The Ghetto Heisman!" D! notices the cameraman and yells "You're next, Dev!" as he pulls Chopper to his feet. A quick thumb to the eye momentarily distracts D! as Chopper tries to buy himself some time. BILL HEWSON: D! has dominated this match so far! There's a fire under his ass and Chopper can't seem to put it out! JACK JONES: What the Hell is up with that? Get up Chopper! Chopper shots D! across the ring and into the far turnbuckle! D! hits hard and staggers out of the corner as Chopper goes for his Decleater - spear move! D! sidesteps at the last moment and Chopper eats a turnbuckle! D! races to the far end of the ring and waits for Chopper to pull himself back to his feet in the corner. Stinger splash! Chopper stumbles out of the corner and straight into a NyQuil Driver! D! goes for the cover and the referee makes the three count! BILL HEWSON: What a convincing win for D! I've never seen him this intense! JACK JONES: I think that might have been a fast count. There won't be any of this kind of shoddy officiating in Devastation's match later tonight, I guarantee. D! gets to his feet and looks intently into the camera. Once more he mutters "You're next, Devastation!" as the referee raises his arm in victory. Commercial!
FRANK WARBURTON: The following match is set for one fall. Introducing first, accompanied by Bill Fleming! The team of "THE BEAST" BRUCE RICHARDS! STYLIN' KYLE ROBERTS! THE NEW & IMPROVED DEEEEEE-EXXXXXX! JACK JONES: The three-time champs have take on a team that will never hold the titles. D-X deserves better competition. BILL HEWSON: Dream Come True is above D-X in the rankings, and are off the heels of their first win in the NAPW. D-X will have their hands full. JACK JONES: Yeah, full of crap when they slam these fools. BILL HEWSON: Will you be serious? Cake's classic "He's Going the Distance" begins to play as a very nice pop goes off for Ainsley Lake and Jared Walsh. They slap hands with the fans and see Bruce in the ring doing the throat slash gesture. BLOW IT OFF. FRANK WARBURTON: And their opponents, weighing in at a total combined weight of three-hundred and eighty-two pound... AINSLEY LAKE, JARED WALSH: DRRREAM COME TRUUUUUE! BILL HEWSON: This is Dream Come True's Tuesday Night Fights debut! And they'd love a win here tonight over D-X! JACK JONES: It's technically EVERYONE'S Tuesday Night Fights debut. BILL HEWSON: You know what I mean, big show debut. Referee Morgan Smythe is in charge of the action. She seems to get stuck with D-X an awful lot... Kyle Roberts and Bruce play rock, paper, scissors to determine who will start. Jared is in the ring waiting. Bruce wins, rock over scissors. Jared walks right up to Bruce and they go nose to nose with only a one inch height difference. Bruce wails off a nice slap and Jared stares at the crowd grinning as the crowd boos the disrespect. Jared slaps him back for a loud cheer and Bruce reacts with a right hand that floors Jared. Kyle Roberts decides to get some heat. He hollers over to the corner of Dream Come True : "Bring in the BITCH!" The crowd showers the boos as they heard it. Jared tags in Ainsley, as she demands it. Ainsley comes in with a drop kick to the right knee of a formerly smirking Bruce. She follows it up with a spinning wheel kick that floors Bruce. Bruce gets up and Ainsley attempts a hurranrana but is quickly reversed into a power bomb. Bruce smiles and goes over to tag in the ultra hyped Stylin' Kyle. He nonchalantly covers Lake, who kicks out at two. Roberts... goes for an early Bear-Tamer on Ainsley! She is near the ropes... Kyle cranks on it, Ainsley is few inches away. Kyle motions towards Bruce as Morgan was asking Lake if she can continue. Bruce steps in the ring a bit to distract Morgan as Lake reaches the ropes. BILL HEWSON: These underhanded tactics are uncalled for! JACK JONES: Bruce was just trying to get a better look at such a perfect Bear-Tamer! Smythe turns around to see Ainsley caught up in the ropes. She starts her count. One...Two...Three... Four! And Kyle finally breaks the hold. He gloats and basks in the crowds hateful response. Chants of "AINS-LEY-LAKE" begin to rock the Polish Hall. Kyle sees Ainsley almost crawl to her corner - he grabs her legs and drags her back to the DX side of the ring. Tag Bruce. Bruce just stares unmercifully at Lake. BILL HEWSON: She needs to tag in Walsh... Like NOW! JACK JONES: This is a man's game, and Bruce Richards is a master at it. She isn't going anywhere! Bruce picks up Lake and bodyslams her. She yells out in agony, as her back is taking a painful beating. Bruce covers her. One...Two... Shoulder up. Bruce looks almost pleased with her fighting spirit. He then kicks her right in the back. Jared is going crazy as the crowd now chants "D-X SUCKS!" Bruce lets her almost get to a tag - stops her and clamps on a Camel Clutch, right in front of Jared Walsh. Dick. Meanwhile Kyle is off the apron and in the face of a fan. Morgan Smythe sees the altercation and goes over to yell at Kyle. With the ref gone, Jared Walsh uses the ropes to propel himself and kicks Bruce right in the face with two well placed boots. Jared is out of the ring, Bruce is down, Smythe comes back over just in time to see the tag occur. BILL HEWSON: Hot TAG. Jared Walsh is laying in Bruce with rights and lefts, all Bruce can do is cover up! He's a house on fire--- dammit! The flurry ends as Kyle comes in and stops the momentum, nailing Jared from behind. Morgan gets Kyle out of the ring. Bruce and Jared both gather their selves and get up. Jared hitŐs a quick drop toe and the heads out of the ring. He uses the ropes and hitŐs a slingshot leg drop. He covers one...two. Kick out by the Beast. Jared continues to lay into Bruce with kicks and then another leg drop to the back of Bruce's head. Jared tries to pick The Beast up, and gets him to one knee. Bill Fleming gathers the attention of Morgan Smythe! Bruce hits a low blow to escape Walsh's onslaught, then makes a tag to Kyle! Bill Fleming helpfully points the tag out to Morgan. Kyle comes in quickly - only to get hit with a vicious power slam with full rotation. Jared hooks the leg. One! TWO! Th--- Barely a shoulder up. Jared drags Kyle to his corner. He tags in Ainsley who ascends to the top rope and nails a near perfect moonsault! Cover one! Two! THREENO! FOOT ON THE ROPE. JACK JONES: This match is way more competitive than I imagined it would be! Dream Come True, well, they're uh, you know, bringing the fight! BILL HEWSON: About time you give credit where credit is due. Dream Come True is in firm control of this tag team contest! Ainsley quickly tags in Jared who goes up top and hits a nice diving head butt. Only problem with that is they're BOTH OUT. BILL HEWSON: That was a suicidal move, and now Morgan is counting both of them out. Jared isn't moving at all. One... Kyle is trying to slowly crawling to the corner with Bruce waiting the tag... Two... Three... Jared is trying to make some movement. Four... JACK JONES: Tag! Bruce is in. Bruce goes over to JaredSMALL PACKAGE ONETWO - Bruce barely escapes as Jared was playing possum! Bruce gets up, angry, but is dropkicked into the Dream Come True corner. Irish whip sends Bruce back to the D-X corner the hard way! Kyle pats Bruce on the back while holding his head still. Morgan Smythe calls that a tag. Kyle is arguing that. Bruce exits the ring, looking at Kyle, looking pissed. Jared rushes over and nails Kyle with a lariat as he enters. Jared hits a PERFECT Fisherman's Suplex! ONE! TWO! THREE---Crowd pops as if it's the end, but somehow Roberts gets out at 2.9! BILL HEWSON: He kicked out, somehow. And now Ainsley Lake wants in! Jared goes over and tags in Lake. She hits a standing moonsault on Kyle. She covers - ROBERTS FLIPS HER OVER! ONE! TWO! KICK OUT by Lake. Kyle, however, is slow to get up! Lake goes to the top rope... and here's Jared! Jared looking to set up Kyle for the powerbomb, Dream Come True going for Suspension of Disbelief! But wait just a damned minute, Bill Fleming just distracted the referee again! Kyle Roberts - LOW BLOW on Jared Walsh! Walsh goes down hard and rolls out to the apron. Roberts points to his head: "SMARTER THAN YOU!" Of course, right then, he turns around into HIGHER SIDE OF LOW by Ainsley Lake! SHE COVERS! NO REF! BRUCE RICHARDS IS IN THE RING! GOOD GOD, HE HAS HER ON HIS SHOULDERS... F5! F5! EFF... FIVE! Kyle gets an arm over Ainsley, Fleming lets go of the referee, no, not like this! ONE! TWO! THREE! D-X wins it! FRANK WARBURTON: WINNERS OF THE MATCH: THE NEW & IMPROVED DEEEEEE-EXXXXXX! BILL HEWSON: My God! My God! What a brutal --- BRUTAL F5 maneuever! I've never seen The Beast use that move, and tonight, it won the match for his team! Dream Come True had this match WON if Bill Fleming hadn't distracted the referee! JACK JONES: If the referee doesn't see it, it's not illegal. That's why D-X is the best, baby! The crowd boos very loudly as D-X exits, The Beast looking quite pleased with his destructive handiwork. Lake gets up with help from Jared. The Polish Hall gives them a standing ovation for putting on such a great match, despite being robbed at the end. BILL HEWSON: A tough, tough loss for Dream Come True tonight, but I think they showed NAPW's tag teams just what they can do in this ring. When we come back... Crash Carver will take on the hated, reviled... Static. Don't go away!
JACK JONES: Give credit where it's due, Hewson. Bruce Richards putting Ainsley Lake down with that brutal F5. Looks like The Beast has expanded his arsenal. Emerald Fusion, F5, who can beat D-X now? BILL HEWSON: The list is growing. Now we come to our next match. Just one week ago, the rookie Crash Carver - nephew of the legendary Diamond Del Carver - scored his first NAPW win over SUPERSTAR Tommy Deathrow. Regrettably, D-X was instrumental in young Crash scoring the win, but it's in the record books as a W. Justify that one, Jack Jones. JACK JONES: Why? If I'm D-X, the last man in NAPW I want to be on the bad side of is the SUPERSTAR. Crash Carver is a lucky punk. Don't be expecting some kind of 'streak', not after Static kills him dead here tonight. IRON MAIDEN! The Prisoner brings it up and Crash Carver bounces out of the entrance curtain, manager Daniel Dafore a few steps behind him with laptop computer in one hand. The crowd gives the kid a nice pop, and Crash soaks it all in, a huge grin on his face. He slides into (and almost OUT OF) the ring in his exuberance as Dafoe ... well, appears to be Blackberrying somebody. So busy, so busy busy. FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! Introducing first accompanied by his manager Daniel Dafoe... he weighs in at one-hundred and seventy-seven pounds and stands five-feet, eight inches tall! From Jackson Mississippi... he is CRASH! CARRRRRRVER! BILL HEWSON: This young kid last week in a Superstar rules match against perhaps the most violent hardcore man in NAPW, but tonight... well, tonight he's in the ring against the most sadistic, evil man in NAPW. We're talking about a guy who literally attempted to gouge Rex Caliber's eyes out with a screwdriver! That's the kind of man Static is! JACK JONES: And just think, Bill Hewson. If that's what Static would do to one of his best friends, what's he going to do to this punk tonight? Carver might, well, get to know that last name much more intimately... "We're scrapped valentines. We're tangerine rinds. We're crimes, crimes, crimes, crimes, crimes." CRIMES CRIMES CRIMES CRIMES blood brothers for the second time tonight, and this time the masked man - the hardcore luchadre - is on his way out. Static's wearing his usual half-face mask, exposed eyes glinting in the light, greasy hair appearing to have been unwashed. He's shirtless, showing his slight but toned frame and the countless scars that cover it. He's wearing baggy pants, a t-shirt hanging down the front. The crowd unleashes a relentless torrent of boos. Static takes his time coming to the ring, probably smirking under his mask at the crowd's reaction. FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent! From Windsor Ontario, he weighs in at one-hundred and seventy-five pounds and stands five-feet six! He is the Hardcore Luchadore, the One-Man Crimes Spree, the devil in the blue mask... SSSSSSTATIIIIIC! Static slides into the ring, bouncing on the bottom rope once or twice. The ref calls for a clean match and sounds the bell. DING DING DING. Static leans back casually, almost leering at Crash Carver. The rookie seems unfazed, and here's the tie-up. Static wins, wrenching in a hammerlock. Carver reverses, putting Static into an arm wring, but here's Static up, down and over! He arm drags Carver after using his lucha skills to acrobatically change momentum. Crash Carver gets to his feet, and Static...applauds? BILL HEWSON: ...maybe we were wrong, Jack Jones. So far, Static's wrestling a fair match against Crash Carver. JACK JONES: Why waste your hatred on some no-name kid, Hewson? Static's saving his hatred for the real enemy, and that's the NAPW Champion Rex Caliber! Back into a tie-up, this time Carver wins, but Static drop toe-holds his man and then drives a quick elbow between Carver's shoulder blades. Static then... he's going for the RINGS OF REX apparently! Carver scrambles for the ropes quickly, before Static can get the move applied on. Crowd boos Static as Carver gets back up. Clean break. Crash comes in, Static gets the knee into his mid-section. Static hits the ropes - swinging neckbreaker! Doesn't go for a cover, instead takes a minute to look out over the crowd. BOOOO. Static grabs what he can of Carver's close-cropped hair and pulls him up. Irish whip this time, leg lariat takes the rookie down. Carver pops up and Static wastes no time running at him with a flying head-scissors! Carver spills down, ending up underneath the ropes. And that's a bad place to be as STATIC springboards and drops the leg right across back of Carver's head, said head hanging out of the ring! JACK JONES: If you're looking for a match breaker move, that's it right there. Good night Irene! BILL HEWSON: A brutal move by this "one man crimes spree", but perfectly legal. Static's certainly ahead on points if this match was being scored! Static front face-locks a slumping Crash Carver whilst standing on the outside. He drags Crash out a bit, what's this? He's going to DDT him on the floor, but Crash suddenly comes alive and starts firing away with desperate rights and lefts! Connects with a solid right hand that finally sends Static off, although Crash slides forward and tumbles out of the ring. Avoided a potentially nasty DDT, however... and now he's on his meet and trying to rock Static! Right hand and Static wants no part of this, trying to just walk away from Carver. Carver doesn't let up, another big right hand. Followed up by a spinning back kick to Static's chest that sends the hardcore luchadore into the guardrail, stunned. Carver on the ring apron~ nobody home! Good God! Carver went for the big money and ended up with nothing, landing awkwardly on the guardrail. He's hanging upside down now with one leg through through the railing, and Static takes the opportunity to deliver a low dropkick right into Carver's face. The young rookie slumps down, and now Static pulls him up, chopping him and rolling him back into the ring. Static's going to the top rope, Moment Of Clarity? Carver's getting up, Static instead hits his missile dropkick for one, two, kick out! Almost a three-count for Static after Crash took a beating on the outside. Static tries to cover again, one, two, kick out. AGAIN with the cover, Static putting his feet on the ropes! ONE! TWO! Referee John Sharplin sees it and breaks the pin, telling Static to watch it! Static looks at Sharpline with a curious glint in his evil eyes. "I'll give you something to reprimand me for, mother(bleep)er!" Carver's slowly back to his feet, Static stares him right down... and lets a low blow FLY, punt style. Not even trying to disguise it! Sharplin is now REALLY in Static's face as Crash Carver collapses in agony to the canvas. "COME ON DQ ME, HUH, DQ ME REF!" Sharplin warns Static, furious, but Static shrugs him off and takes off that t-shirt from around his waist. He pulls it taut and wraps it around Carver's throat, choking the man! ONE, two, three, four, five and Static lets go. "I've got a five count, ref!" Carver coughing, Daniel Dafoe yelling for Sharplin to gain control of this match, but Static... is distorting everything. And again, Static wraps the t-shirt around Crash Carver's throat, and this time he hits a neckbreaker with it. Carver goes down... STATIC OFF THE ROPES! ASAI MOONSAULT! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! BILL HEWSON: Somehow, Crash Carver found the will to kick out! So much for a clean match, Static's trying to push Sharplin as far as he can without getting DQed and a loss! JACK JONES: Yeah, and Carver kicking out? I don't think Static's happy about that. BILL HEWSON: Not happy? He looks like he could murder! Static's eyes glint again, and this time the mania is there. ALL OVER CRASH CARVER Static Static punching him, BITING him across his forehead, a whirling dervish! Whip Carver gets NAILED Static then down and just rightrightrightright handing the man closed fists good god static static again has Crash Carver up into the corner and it's a Tornado DDT for one, two, CRASH CARVER kicks out! Static barely gives it consideration and says that it's OVER! FUNCRUSHER FUNCRUSHER NO CRASH CARVER, CRASH CARVER slides behind Static, he runs the ropes SPRINGBOARD! Corkscrew moonsault takes Static down and now Crash Carver begins to gain some momentum! Side kick, straight leg jump style catches Static square in the mush! Cover but Static kicks out at two without much problem. Crash Carver with an irish whip to Static, Static reverses, Carver flies! handspring! Rebound, BACK ELBOW to Static's mouth! That takes him down, and now Crash Carver goes to the top rope! He's calling for the 450 splash, but Static, Static hits the ropes and causes Crash to lose his balance and get crotched on the top rope. Static... runs up... enziguri to the man on the top rope! Carver slumps forward and down, and Static roughly yanks him down, splat, Static on the top rope. We know this, we've seen this, MOMENT! OF! CLARITY! and it connects, it's over, it's one, it's two, it's three It's Crash Carver's foot on the ropes at the last possible second. JACK JONES: What are you, stupid? Stay down, kid! You don't want to make this psychopath angry! BILL HEWSON: And Static can't believe that he didn't win this match. He heard the three-count, but Sharplin noticed at the last second that somehow - someway! Crash Carver got his foot on the bottom rope to break the pinfall! JACK JONES: Didn't you hear me? He should've stayed down! Static's going to (bleep)ing kill him! BILL HEWSON: Watch your mouth! Static is screaming at Sharplin and his 'inadequacy'. Static grabs Carver and tears at his eyes with his fingers, prompting Sharplin to count one, two, three, four, five Static stop but Static, Static smiles beneath his mask, Static, reaches into his tights, and pulls out a shining silver and black tool, implement, WEAPON. BILL HEWSON: Oh (BLEEP)! JACK JONES: This is bad, Bill Hewson! Real bad! Static holds Screwy up high, thrusting upward, and screaming "SUCK MY VOODOOOOOO!" Crash Carver trying to get up using the ropes, dazed, done, out of it, unaware that Static is going to gouge his eyes out of his sockets JOHN SHARPLIN physically grabs Static's descending arm with both of his hands and fights, wrenches the screwdriver out of Static's hands because this match is not no DQ and by god you can't take a man's eyes! Static turns, furious, he's going to kill Sharplin, but wait just a second WAIT JUST A SECOND CRASH CARVER WITH A TIGHT INSIDE CRADLE ON STATIC AND IT'S A COUNT IT'S ONE IT'S TWO BILL HEWSON: THREE! THREE! CRASH CARVER HAS WON THE MATCH BY GOD! JACK JONES: I don't believe it! FRANK WARBURTON: HERE IS YOUR WINNER...CRAAAAAASH CAAAAAARVER! BILL HEWSON: My God, it's two wins in a row, this kid, this young rookie, he's just pinned the man who will challenge for the Heavyweight Title next week NO NO NO! JACK JONES: Sharplin! BILL HEWSON: Static just low blowed John Sharplin --- FUNCRUSHER on the referee! That son of a bitch, that terrible bastard, he just assaulted a referee! Sharplin was just doing his job! And now... oh no, oh no, this is bad, this is very bad. Static spits on the downed referee and then turns his attention to Crash Carver! And he's got that screwdriver, twirling it in his fingers. He pulls Carver up and leans him against the ropes, poking the screwdriver against Crash's temple - DANIEL DAFOE IS IN THE RING! Dafoe in the ring to save his charge hitting Static, but Static slices him! Static wildly swinging the screwdriver and catching Dafoe across the forehead, DDT to Dafoe! STOMP STOMP STOMP on the man's head! The crowd is filling with garbage as Static raises his arms high, soaking it in, and now he's going to take Crash Carver's eyes, we know this because he just screamed "I'm going to take your (BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP) eyes, you (BLEEP BLEEP)!" Static is going to kill him dead BILL HEWSON: HERE COMES REX CALIBER! THE CHAMP IS HERE! JACK JONES: I never thought I'd say this but thank God for Rex Caliber! Caliber hits the ring and !unloads! on Static! Static fires back! The Champ gets the better of him! Caliber rushes Static for an STO but Static BAILS over the top rope! Caliber , going after him, no, the champ is staying in the ring, protecting the men Static has assaulted! "NEXT WEEK, STATIC! NEXT WEEK YOU FRUIT LOOP SON OF A BITCH!" Static backs up the aisle, wild eyes, screaming at Rex Caliber "I MADE YOU! AND I CAN UNMAKE YOU!" BILL HEWSON: What can the CHAMP do for you? He can kick your ass, Static! What a miserable human being! JACK JONES: I agree completely, Bill Hewson, Static is... Static needs to be locked up and kept far, far away from civilized human beings. BILL HEWSON: It is going to be an ugly match next week when these Crimes explode and settle this issue in the ring, no holds barred. But here tonight, a night when newcomers to NAPW are taking on veterans across the card, Crash Carver has the biggest win of his young career, and he did it without anybody's HELP. JACK JONES: He doesn't look much like a winner, though. Daniel Dafoe looks in worse shape than Crash, actually, blood streaming from his forehead. Caliber claps Carver on the back, Carver checking on Dafoe and apologizing for Daniel getting cut. Caliber helps a shaky Sharplin up to his feet, and then raises Crash's arm up high before exiting the ring. Annnnd...commercial!
JACK JONES: Well to come in here, and take a pinfall on a man wrestling for the Heavyweight Championship next week, that's a big deal. I'd say it hurts Static's momentum, but I don't know if Static cares about momentum. He just wants to maim people, and next week he gets that chance. BILL HEWSON: No Holds Barred next week against Rex Caliber, Heavyweight Title on the line. But right now... wait a minute, what's going on here? Frank Warburton is in the ring, ready to announce the next match, when a man in a finer suit than Warburton's steps into the ring. He chats with Warburton for a moment, before Warburton - with a mild look of surprise on his face - steps out of the ring and passes the house microphone over to this new man. NEW MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is HARVEY! GARCIAAAAAA...BUFFERRRRRRR! BILL HEWSON: That's fantastic. JACK JONES: Quiet, Hewson! Garcia-Buffer is a GOD among MEN in the ring announcing business! HARVEY GARCIA-BUFFER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is now time for the F*NAPW TUESDAY NIGHT DEVASTATION MAIN EVENT. Introducing first, the referee for this contest, the only man capable of refereeing F*NAPW contests, I give you...Aloysius Daniel Durrington! And a small, elderly man with coke-bottle glasses meekly steps into the ring. The crowd is confused, but Garcia-Buffer goes on. HARVEY GARCIA-BUFFER: And now! For the thousand in attendance, and the MILLIONS watching at home...Llllllllllet's get ready to RRRRRRRRUMMMMBLLLLLLLLLLLLE! BILL HEWSON: ...and of course, we're live. JACK JONES: I've got goose bumps! Feel! BILL HEWSON: Roll your sleeve back down! "Driver's High" kicks in, and with Asuka Katsuragi by his side (and looking quite chipper), out walks Dez Carter to a mild pop. HARVEY GARCIA-BUFFER: The contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a NON-TITLE match. Introducing first, his NAPW record is a stunning one win, four losses. He is accompanied to the ring by his mentor's granddaughter, the lovely Asuka Katsuragi. He stands six feet, two inches tall and weighed in this morning at two-hundred and forty four pounds. He is the Overdriver, the martial arts master... THIS! IS! DEZ! CARTERRRRRRR! BILL HEWSON: Well, interesting introducing by this "F*NAPW" ring announcer. But it was just four days ago that Dez Carter picked up his first win in NAPW, a Pure Honor victory over the returning Thunder - er, North T. Gunderson. JACK JONES: It's a big step here from North Gunderson to the F*NAPW Champion. BILL HEWSON: Certainly Dez Carter the huge underdog in this contest, and with good reason. Devastation is one of the most physically dominating men in NAPW and our sport today. Dez Carter's going to have to reach down, way down, and bring the very best he has against this man... And then, a familiar laid-back sarcastic tune picks up. The crowd partly sings along but quickly turns to boos as Bloodhound Gang means only one man can be entering. And with the F*NAPW title belt around his waist (an ornate, elaborate thing). He seems oblivious to the chorus of boos he receives, walking with an unhurried pace to the ring. Dez Carter looks anxious inside the ring. HARVEY GARCIA-BUFFER: And HIS OPPONENT! From South Boston, Massachussets, he is the most dominanting physical specimen in NAPW history and the greatest NAPW Heavyweight Champion of all time, as declared by Pro Wrestling Illustrated in their special "Devastation" issue, on sale in two weeks at newstands everywhere! This morning, he weighed in at three-hundred and five pounds of pure, lean muscle with less than one percent body fat, and stands a towering, imposing six feet, eight inches. He is the master of the Burning Hammer, the 2006 Sole Survivor victor. The Alpha and Omega! The Hybrid Icon! The VICIOUS PHENOM! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the ring YOUR F*NAPW Champion... I give you... THE MAN! THE MYTH! THE LEGEND! DEVAAAAAAASTATTIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! JACK JONES: Finally, a ring announcer who can herald Devastation to the ring in a proper fashion. BILL HEWSON: With hyperbole and embellishment, apparently. Hm. Conspicious by his absence is Longshot... but nonetheless, Devastation is here. Devastation gets in the ring, holding his belt high above his head. Dez Carter and Asuka confer in their corner. Durrington, aka Specs, checks Devastation for foreign objects. Not that he can see more than two feet in front of his face, but hey. He calls for the bell, DING DING DING. This contest is on! Dez Carter feints with martial arts kicks, testing Devastation's reach. Devastation slaps them away arrogantly. Dez, insulted, feints and then catches Devastation with a swift kick to the back of the thigh. He's going right for the legs of the big man...and what the? Devastation now complaining to the referee that Carter low blowed him? And Specs, apparently, believes Devastation, apologizing for missing it. He reprimands a disbelieving Dez Carter and DEVASTATION over the head of Specs with a closed left fist! Carter staggers back into the ropes, and this is what Devastation does best: Eliminate the opposition. He lowers the boom on Carter, the southpaw driving meaty forearms into Carter's shoulders and back. Carter nearly tumbles out of the ropes, and Specs politely asks Devastation for a clean break. Devastation smiles, then grabs Carter by the ears and yanks him up and over, Carter crashing in the center of the ring. Asuka is furious on the outside, bouncing up and down while yelling at the referee. Specs leans out of the ropes: "Young lady, please control your temper, I will call this match right down the middle. Why, I've refereed over a thousand matches on five continents, including your homeland. I recall this excellent contest in Tokyo, young lady, before your time of course, where..." BILL HEWSON: What is he doing, telling her his life story? Devastation is choking Dez Carter down behind this so-called "referee's" back! JACK JONES: Hey, "Specs" has refereed for a long, long time. Asuka could learn a lot from a man as well-travelled as him. BILL HEWSON: How long's he been refereeing? Since the first Olympics? Good Lord! Devastation has Carter from behind with a clear choke. Finally, Specs turns around and Devastation lifts Carter up, into a sick backbreaker over his knee! Cover is made, Specs makes a ginger count, one, two, Carter kicks out. Devastation non-plussed, picks Carter up... Rapid-Fire! One short arm sends Carter down in a heap, only to be pulled back up by Devastation. Two short-arms, same result. Third short-arm... Carter ducks that one! Dez Carter with a sudden burst of energy, palm strike to Devastation's nose! Kick, kick, kicking all over the sides of Devastation, Carter sending Devastation backwards, staggering, but Devastation won't fall down. Carter with another kick, Devastation does not go down! He hits the ropes, off... And Devastation CATCHES Carter in mid-air, shifts his positioning, and kills Dez Carter with a shoulderbreaker... and it only gets two-and-a-half, non-chalant cover from Devastation. JACK JONES: Tell me that wasn't a fair count, Hewson. Specs is calling this straight down the middle. BILL HEWSON: I can't argue that. I don't understand this whole deal, this half-blind referee and special ring announcer, and I sure as hell don't understand why NAPW executives are allowing Devastation to even have his own way. This is the man who petulantly criticized the officiating, the brass, and probably the brightness of the lights above the ring for his title loss at Epic, and yet they're giving him this? JACK JONES: It's simple, Bill Hewson. Devastation equals RATINGS. And NAPW needs a boost with Caliber on top. BILL HEWSON: I bet. And there's a big powerslam by Devastation, Dez Carter kicking out again. Hand it to this man, he isn't about to roll over and play dead for the "F*NAPW Champion", snort. Devastation with a flicker of frustration on his face now, but it's wiped away quickly. Devastation hauls Dez Carter up, it's time for the Burning Hammer! BILL HEWSON: Dez Carter also a practitioner of this maneuver, although he calls it The Overdrive. Devastation hits this and it's all over... wait a minute! Dez Carter wriggles out at the top! LUNGBLOWER! JACK JONES: Hey, he can't do that! That's...gotta be illegal somehow! Dez Carter using the insanely awesome looking LUNGBLOWER, the backcracker maneuever popularized in Ring Of Honor and later used by Carlito Caribbean Cool! That could turn the tide, he got all of Devastation's back with it. Specs begins a ten count and --- "RIIIIIIGHT...BEFORE...MY...EYES!" JACK JONES: What in the world is HE doing out here? The crowd goes CRAZY as D!, the Champion of Champions belt around HIS waist, comes out to ringside. His music cuts out quickly and then D! begins to slap the ring apron beside a suspicious looking Asuka. He gives her a big smile and then begins to get the crowd chanting... "GO CARTER GO! GO CARTER GO! GO CARTER GO!" Specs is up to five, but Devastation takes his feet to break the count. He grabs a hold of Dez Carter and violently tosses him to the turnbuckle, head of steamNO! Dez Carter lashes out with a flash kick to Devastation's face, snapping the big man's head backwards! Devastation turns around, holding his face, and Dez Carter vaults to the second turnbuckle. Devastation turns around... HI-YA! Dez Carter with a STIFF yakuza kick again to Devastation's face. STILL Devastation doesn't go down! D! is slapping the mat on the outside, he and Asuka cheering on Dez Carter for all they're worth! Dez Carter behind Devastation now, trying to lock his fingers around Devastation's neck for a Dragon Suplex! BILL HEWSON: Can he do it, can he hit this --- Low blow by Devastation! And where's the ref on that one? JACK JONES: Poor Specs, I don't believe he was able to see that one. He was really trying hard though, I tell you. BILL HEWSON: Devastation has faced NAPW's most dangerous user of the Dragon Suplex, Ravager, he obviously was going to do whatever it took to avoid being dumped on his head in that fashion... Specs asks Devastation what happened, Devastation lets him know it was a simple back head-butt. Specs looks satisfied with that answer, and Devastation picks up Dez Carter... and finally he spies D!, who's giving him a cocky smirk. Dev points to D!, telling him to watch closely DEZ CARTER FIRES OFF! Carter with martial arts strikes to the ribs of Devastation! To his abdomen! Dez Carter firing at Devastation, he's not giving up! Carter with a high kick! Palm thrust! He has Devastation staggered! He hits the ropes, wham! Devastation doesn't go down! Dez Carter hits the ropes again... HUGE spinning heel kick! Devastation goes down like a timber! Dez Carter hooks the leg, ONE, TWO, Devastation powers out! And he KILLS DEZ DEAD WITH A LARIAT. D! BOOOOOS him, and then begins to get the crowd going once again, this time with a "BIG-CRY-BABY!" chant, clearly directed to Devastation. The Vicious Phenom smirks at D!, shaking his head, then picks up Dez Carter. He again points to D!, then hooks Dez in a front face-lock. "Watch and learn, kid." HIGH suplex going on, Devastation...making Dez Carter THINK about it. Dev walks back! Forward! Good god, what strength! He walks towards D!, preening... wait a minute! D! reaches out and grabs Devastation around the left ankle! He pulls Dev off-balance --- Dev falls backwards --- Carter shifts his weight in mid-air --- lands on Devastation --- Specs can't see it, but D! is holding on to Devastation's leg still, yanking down below the ring apron! WAIT A MINUTE! ONE! TWO! THREE?! HARVEY GARCIA-BUFFER: Uh...here is your winner... Dez Carter?! JACK JONES: Foul! Foul! Give him a yellow card! D! cheated! D! cheated! BILL HEWSON: D! promised Devastation that he would not know peace until he faces him in the ring... and tonight, D! just cost Devastation a match! Dez Carter has defeated the former NAPW Heavyweight Champion! However you slice it, he has a win over Devastation! JACK JONES: Specs, why couldn't you see that! It was as plain as day! BILL HEWSON: You said it yourself, he can't see two feet in front of his face! Devastation is sitting up, blinking, and furious. D!, meanwhile, is laughing. So hard. Apparently, this is the funniest thing he's seen all year. Dez Carter and Asuka PLATONICALLY HUG on the outside, celebrating their win up the ramp! SUDDENLY! It's Carter Owens and Ravager coming out of the entrance way in "REVOLUTION" t-shirts! And they're...GOING AFTER D! D! looks at Dev, and then yells "WOOOP WOOOP WOOOP!" before darting into the crowd! JACK JONES: A little too late, Revolution! Geez! Where were they! BILL HEWSON: Ravager and Carter Owens, two men facing off this week on Action! in a Pure Honor contest, two men in the Revolution, but they were too late to prevent somebody uninvolved in the match from interfering! But I never thought it would be D! doing that intefering! JACK JONES: Devastation. Is going to be furious. BILL HEWSON: Going to be? I'm pretty sure he is! Will he accept D!'s challenge now? Or will he again decline? And if he does, what will D! do NEXT to the Vicious Phenom! Man! Crash Carver and now Dez Carter making tremendous impacts here tonight, on TUESDAY! NIGHT! FIGHTS! Don't go away!
The Mexican National Anthem begins, and that means one man! Preceded by the always lovely Senora Seurte, it is - to a roaring ovation - the Mexican Sensation! El Mentiroso! He comes to the ring at a job, high-fiving fans and enjoying the great atmosphere. He steps in the ring... DJ Shadow is up. With his 'customized' Kiniski Cup, a halo of barbed wire around it, comes the Pure Honor Champion. The insane. The reckless. Patrick Bickle. Mr. Maps comes trailing five steps behind him. BILL HEWSON: And all respect to Bickle, who won the Kiniski Cup fair and square, but I can't appreciate the way he's defaced the Kinsiki Cup. We have a Pure Honor Champion who basically spits on the concept itself. JACK JONES: But he still won that trophy in Pure Honor style, Bill Hewson. Like him or hate him, and most people hate him, Patrick Bickle is the legitimate Kiniski Cup holder. And the only way to change that is for somebody to beat him in that ring! BILL HEWSON: El Mentiroso certainly looking to do that tonight, it's going to be one helluva match. Let's go to Frank Warburton for the introductions. FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is the PURE HONOR CHAMPIONSHIP match, to be contested under Pure Honor division rules! Introducing the challenger, to my left. Wearing red, green and white, he weighs in at two-hundred and twenty pounds and stands six-feet, two inches tall. Accompanied by Senora Seurte, ladies and gentlemen, I give you... ELLLLL MENTIRRRRROSO! Mentiroso acknowledges the fan's applause with a wave of his hands. Bickle looks on, impassive, blankly from the opposite corner. FRANK WARBURTON: And now, wearing black. He weighs in at one-hundred and seventy-five pounds and stands at five feet, eleven inches tall. Accompanied by his personal physician Mr. Maps, he is the Pure Honor Champion... Ladies and gentlemen, this is PATRICK! BICKLLLLLLLE! DING DING DING. Mentiroso, cagey, offers his hand to Bickle, his posture anticipating more than one outcome... and Bickle, unsmiling, simply reciprocates with a handshake. JACK JONES: Don't dismiss what you just saw there, folks... Patrick Bickle is as unpredictable as the weather in that ring, and I think El Mentiroso just got his forecast! And that's the bell. Bickle rushes with a quick dropkick attempt, swatted off by Mentiroso. Bickle hits the ground flat, ripe for an Elbow Drop from Mentiroso, connects, but Bickle still has the presence of mind to slap on a headlock moments after Mentiroso lands. Mentiroso rolls into it, shifting his torso onto Bickle's shoulders, referee counts a ONE! Bickle gets his shoulder up by releasing the head. Mentiroso quick to his feet, Bickle rises to all fours--Mentiroso moving like a blur, BASEMENT Dropkick to Bickle's knee, knocking the support out from under him. From there it's a Stump Puller--HIGH Stump Puller--to ring that self-same knee slamming to the mats. BILL HEWSON: Is it my imagination, or is this a bit of payback for the last time these two men faced? JACK JONES: Bickle worked Menty's knee the last time they tangled, really limited his flashy high-risk offense. Looks like Menty's returning the favour! El Mentiroso continues to press the advantage, pulling Bickle up long enough for a Scoop Slam, follow-through is a Knee Drop to Bickle's own knee. Bickle snarls from the impact, and Mentiroso continues the assault by twisting Bickle around and stepping ONTO the knee--then rabbing the ankle and rolling back. Not the fabled "Haas of Pain" maneuver, as there's no crossed leg, but effective for El Mentiroso, who's pulling with all of his strength. Bickle's eyes blaze, being caught at a disadvantage so early in the match, and shoots his arm out, findng himself a good foot from the bottom rope. Gripping the mat, he's able to gain a few meager inches, even though it's added pressure on his knee--and with his fingers barely reaching, mere fingertips away, Mentiroso pulling back on the knee as hard as he can, Bickle makes one DESPERATE LUNGE FOR THE ROPES--and then just balls up his fist and pops Mentiroso in the face. FRANK WARBURTON: Due to a closed fist, Patrick Bickle has been issued a warning! And Bickle? Proceeds to closed fist Mentiroso right in the face, again. The referee immediately gets on him, yelling at Warburton his call. FRANK WARBURTON: Due to a closed fist...Patrick Bickle has been penalized his first rope break! HEWSON and JONES: Now THAT'S the Bickle I know! JACK JONES: Jinx! You owe me beer! El Mentiroso slides out of the hold, looking cold-cocked. Bickle hauls himself to standing, his knee behaving dubiously. He's only bought himself a few moments--forearm smash to Mentiroso's mask buys him some time--Bickle off the ropes, Mentiroso's rising--RUNNING KNEE SMASH-- BILL HEWSON: --WRONG KNEE! Bickle, what's going on in your head? Mentiroso reels from the impact--and Bickle's on the ground, favouring his knee and groaning like an animal. The NAPW crowd has a taste for blood today--a "Holy Shit!" chant has just started, not bad for a Running Knee Smash. Both men are fighting their way up again, but it's Mentiroso, despite taking a couple of stiff shots, that recovers faster. Running ENZIGURI sends Bickle back down, Mentiroso to the ropes, SPRINGBOARD--WHAT SPEED--ASAI MOONSAULT! It's a COVER, hook of the leg, ONE! TWO! SHOULDER UP! Bickle shot his arm up right at the two, and Mentiroso's annoyed but not beaten. Pulling Bickle to standing, an Irish Whip to the ropes sees Bickle rebound into a Kitchen Sink and is sent careening like a grungy Hot Wheels. Bickle lands petty darn close to the ropes, so El Mentiroso goes deep into the playbook and pulls out the Cross Arm Choke--otherwise known as the Straight-jacket. Mentiroso grabs Bickle's wrists, pulls them across his throat, and pulls back. BILL HEWSON: That move's tailor-made for Bickle--it's a legal choke, and with BOTH arms held, Bickle can't reach for the ropes or use a closed fist! His face going bright red, Bickle nonetheless shimmies to the ropes, Mentiroso pulling back on his arms like a horses' reins--Bickle, straining, pushes his head forward--his arms aren't going to be free--Senora Suerte POUNDS the apron--Mentiroso TUGS--Bickle surges forward and BITES THE BOTTOM ROPE. FRANK WARBURTON: Patrick Bickle has used his SECOND! ROPE BREAK! BILL HEWSON: ... JACK JONES: Well, you saw it here first. The ref's set to caution Mentiroso off of his opponent, but the luchador knows when to relent. Dismounting Bickle, he goes to step away--but Bickle wastes no time and HOOKS HIM, pulls him BACK, SCHOOLBOY PIN! Mentiroso's arms flail in surprise--ONE--his arm's hooked the bottom rope! FRANK WARBURTON: El Mentiroso has used his FIRST! ROPE BREAK! BILL HEWSON: But that's not FAIR! El Mentiroso was rolled up right by the ropes--that's not FAIR! JACK JONES: What are you saying, partner? There's NO CHEATING in a Pure Honour Match--it's IMPOSSIBLE to cheat! Bickle slides out to ringside, still regaining his breath from the Straight-Jacket. Mentiroso's eyes lock onto him through the ropes--looks like someone's got THE RAGE. Mentroso running to the far ropes, rebounds, and VAULTS onto the top rope-- SENORA SUERTE: CESE! DIOS MIO! --Bickle's SCOUTED HIM, MENTIROSO LEAPS--BICKLE MOVES--MENTIROSO ADJUSTS, MID-AIR!!! CROSS-BODY!! INTO THE GUARD-RAIL!! BOTH MEN!!! A "Holy Shit!" chant echoing through the arena, both men are DOWN! The ref's starting the count on this one-- ONE! There's no movement from either competitor here- TWO! THREE! Unbidden, Mr. Maps has knelt down by Bickle, and is checking him for vital signs. FOUR! FIVE! Senora Suerte follows suit, grips Mentiroso with a terrified look in her eye. SIX! Bickle, glassy-eyed, sits up, knocking Maps back with his arm. SEVEN! He makes a play for his feet, but his knee decides to buckle, sending him crashing against the apron. EIGHT! Bickle latches on to the bottom rope, and HAULS himself on the apron-- NINE! --rolls into the ring, only part-way-- -- and rolls back OUT, breaking the count! Bickle hobbles after the slowly-rising Mentiroso, and smashes a head-butt into his face. ONE! Mentiroso recoils, but then comes back swnging--European Uppercut smashes his bicep against Bickle's jaw. TWO! Mentiroso bolts PAST him and into the ring. THREE! Mentiroso paces the length of the ring like a tiger, eyeing Bickle. Bickle nods-- FOUR! --and rolls into the ring. Mentiroso pounces on him, Mahistrol Cradle right by the ropes--ONE! TWO! THRTWOOOOO!!! Bickle kicks out, not taking the bait of his third rope break. Another forearm smash to Mentiroso's face to slow him down, Irish Whip to send him off of the ropes--SPEAR! Bickle drops Mentiroso, and with a dazed, demonic smile, he hauls the luchador up to his feet. Head under the shoulder, tights grabbed--Bickle raises him for a Vertical Supl--NO, HE'S HOLDING HIM, IT'S A STALLING VERTICAL SUPLEX-- BILL HEWSON: But his knee is JIGGLING! Why is he sustaining it when he can BARELY STAND--is he even THINKING!? JACK JONES: Yes. And Bickle collapses, Mentiroso being dropped, out-of-control, head-first, onto the mat. BILL HEWSON: OH! MY! GOD! The crowd's chanting ther lungs out--it doesn't seem to matter what, they haven't even made up their minds themselves. At ringside, Mr. Maps looks SHOCKED--and the Senora is ASHEN. JACK JONES: He was counting on his knee to buckle like that. That's sick, I can't even imagine what goes on in Bickle's head. That was BRUTALITY, Hewson. BILL HEWSON: Neither man is moving, the referee is doing a ten-count to see if either man can even continue--oh no, BICKLE'S moving. All gritted teeth, Patrick Bickle drags himself by the arms to El Mentiroso's torso--and pulling his arm up, Bickle drapes his worked leg around it and Mentiroso's neck, grabs his ankle to lock it, and SQUEEZES. JACK JONES: That's a Leg Triangle Choke--and Bickle's using that KNEE again to do the hon-- BILL HEWSON: WHAT IS HE DOING? WHAT POINT IS HE TRYING TO PROVE!? JACK JONES: ... honestly, as far as I understand Bickle, Hewson, well... Mentiroso made a point of working that knee earlier--I think that IS Bickle's point. That he doesn't CARE. El Mentiroso has been kicking himself, slowly, to the ropes but is fading fast. The Senora, livid, gets the crowd in an "EL MENTIROSO!" chant, going strong and loud through Polish Hall--Mentiroso inches closer and closer to the ropes--and his legs flatten out, exhausted-- JACK JONES: --call it, ref. And the referee goes to do just THAT, standing to make the signal to the timekeeper--and before he can throw the hand signal, El Mentiroso kicks his leg onto the bottom rope--and the referee SEES IT. FRANK WARBURTON: El Mentiroso has used his SECOND! ROPE BREAK! JACK JONES: El Mentiroso is THE LUCKIEST HUMAN ON EARTH. BILL HEWSON: I NEVER doubted him. Home stretch, partner! With the rope break, Bickle seems reluctant to break the hold--whether it's intentional, or he isn't thinking straight, we cannot know--but a few secondsnto the rferee's count, he gets the picture and unwraps his leg. El Mentiroso greedly gasps for air, and Bickle immediately goes to favour his knee. It's a ten-count for both men lying on their backs--ONE! TWO! BILL HEWSON: Come on. THREE! FOUR! JACK JONES: Come on! FIVE! SIX! SENORA SUERTE: ANDALE, MENTIROSO! ANDALE! SEVEN! EIGHT! "LUCHA LIBRE! LUCHA LIBRE!" NINE... SHOULDER UP! EL MENTIROSO'S SHOULDER IS UP! And now he's propping himself up, he's got the ropes, pulling himself to--STANDING! THE CROWD'S GOING BALLISTIC! But Bickle's seized onto Mentiroso's tights--he's pulling himself up on Mentiroso, and Mentiroso's... WAITING? HE'S HOOKED THE HEAD! A JUMP! A SWING! TORNADO!! DDT!!! Bickle's laid out on the canvas--El Mentiroso looks down at his foe--AND ROARS. Senora Suerte is HYSTERICAL, screaming for a pin cover, but the noise level is DEAFENING--and EL MENTIROSO HOPS UP TO THE TOP ROPE, HERE IT COMES--EL MENTIRA GRANDE! SOMERSAULT GUILLOTINE LEG-DROP--WAIT A MINUTE! BILL HEWSON: Bickle respositioned-- El Mentiroso bounces off, twitching violently. BILL HEWSON: --he took the Leg Drop, but in the abdomen, not the neck-- Patrick Bickle slumps over to his prone opponent. BILL HEWSON: --AND HE CAUGHT HIM WITH A LIFTED BOOT! Bickle flings his arm onto Mentiroso's chest-- JACK JONES: And guess which LEG he used. Go on. GUESS. --and it's a cover. ONE! TWO! THREE! FRANK WARBURTON: Here is YOUR winner--and STIIIIILL Pure Honour CHAMPION... PATRIIIIIICK... BICKLLLLLLLLLLLE! BILL HEWSON: Senora Suerte and Mr. Maps have both stormed the ring--and here come EMTs, thank GOD! What kind of a man is PATRICK BICKLE? How can anyone have so much DISREGARD for his OPPONENTS and HIMSELF? JACK JONES: I'm starting to believe Bickle doesn't have some part of his brain that the rest of us humans have, that's for damn sure. He just went to Hell for this match, and he took El Mentiroso WITH him. BILL HEWSON: Mentiroso may be unconscious, and Bickle... my GOD, Bickle keeps trying to stand. What has this man DONE to the Pure Honour Division? Is ANYBODY going to be able to beat him for the Kiniski Cup? JACK JONES: We might have to wait for him to DIE, Hewson... but the good news is, that might be within the month at the rate he's going. We HAVE to take a commercial break here, folks,but when you'll come back, it's a very special match. For one night only, the DOOMRIDERS reunite as the MEDIUM-SIZED DISASTERS...taking on Evan Cartwright and Krusty Kid Paul! BILL HEWSON: The action continues on TUESDAY NIGHT FIGHTS! So help us ALL...
BILL HEWSON: Welcome back to New Alberta Pro Wrestling's Tuesday Night Fights, and what a show we have seen so far. But now, the main event, a bizarre match. It is ostensibly a tribute match to the late John "Earthquake" Tenta, who recently lost his battle to cancer. The DOOMRIDERS - Kryenik & Deathrow - are teaming up for one night only to pay tribute to the man. But what's happened is bizarre. Their opponents... are their opposites. Evan Cartwright, who holds the tag team titles WITH Kryenik as the Bi-Polar Express! And Krusty Kid Paul, the showstoppa, one half of Sexy Adorable Drunks with Thomas Deathrow. This is going to be an interesting situation. Let's go the ring. FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is the One Night Only Tribute Match to the late-great John Tenta, and is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first... "Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred" hits the airwaves and the crowd eats it up. Sir William H. Kryenik, Esquire and Sir Thomas Deathrow III emerge in all of their fat suited glory. Kryenik is the spitting image of Earthquake with his bald spot and facial hair while Deathrow makes a bad Typhoon, but a really good Tugboat. The mullet is almost as awesome as The Moose's legendary beard. The ex-partners start their girthy stuff around the ring before Billy rolls inside and jumps up and down, causing Frank Warburton to slightly bounce on the canvas. JACK JONES: I never did like Warburton. I hate his jerky leather face and fake tan. BILL HEWSON: Hush up, now. FRANK WARBURTON: Currently in the ring, at a combined weight of a metric ton, Billy "Earthquake" Kryenik and Tommy "Typhoon" Deathrow, they are tonight the MEDIUM-SIZZZZZZZZZZZED DISASTERSSSSSSSSSSS! Right Said Fred is shortly afterward replaced by "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT A RUSH!!!!" Yes, folks, it's L.O.D.'s old theme from the mid-nineties. Evan "The Animal" and Krusty "Hawk" are appropriately attired in pads with spikes and matching tights. Their face paint is courtesy of Janine back in makeup. BILL HEWSON: Will you look at this! JACK JONES: I won't even insult it by making a "Drunk Hawk" joke! This is great, Hewson! FRANK WARBURTON: Approaching the ring, at a combined weight of Four-Hundred and Sixty Two Pounds: Evan "Animal" Cartwright and Krusty Kid "Hawk", for tonight they are the Legion offffffffff KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! BILL HEWSON: Nice of Evan and KKP to do some research and pick an appropriate rival team of the Natural Disasters. JACK JONES: Eh, I think it sucks. I think lots of things suck when I lose at the track. Does KKP have a flask on him tonight? BILL HEWSON: We don't need your debaucherous self nipping at the cooking sherry tonight. The viewers have complained about that. KKP and Evan slide stylishly into the ring and stare down their respective partners before standing atop the turnbuckles and raising their arms to a nice pop. They remove the pads and toss them outside the ring before climbing down. Billy and Tommy waste no time, slipping out of their fat suits so that they can do business the right way. Play time is over. JACK JONES: They just shed two-hundred and fifty pounds each! BILL HEWSON: Are you sure you're not already drunk? Billy charges KKP as he climbs down and Tommy takes Evan outside the ring with a Cactus Clothesline, tumbling after the tag team champion himself from the momentum. The other tag team champion, Bill K. is laying into KKP's head with some stinging jabs and that wicked-sick right hook. KKP does his best to cover up before belching into Billy's face and causing him to back up in a hurry. KKP grabs his arm and pulls him forward, driving a knee into Billy's gut. KKP grabs the arm and whips him forward, but Kryenik switches on him and catches KKP with a nasty powerslam. JACK JONES: I never did like that rummy bastard anyway. Krusty smelling sucker. BILL HEWSON: Can we cut off his mic? Outside the ring, Sir Thomas is really laying into Evan with blows to the ribs and kicks to the kidneys. Tommy lifts Evan over his shoulder and Fireman's Carry Drops him back first on the metal guardrail. Evan groans painfully before Tommy shuts him up with an elbow to the sternum. Evan crumbles into a heap as Tommy laughs and spits on him, savoring a bit of sweet revenge. Inside, Billy has KKP's arm twisted in the wringer. The Krusty One tries to roll through with the force of the hold, but Billy is savvy enough to keep the hold up and secured. He drops a few elbows across KKP's bicep before tagging in Tommy, who just only then jumped onto the apron in his corner. Evan is still down outside trying to get up, oblivious to referee John Sharplin, who is watching The Riders intently. Tommy and Billy whip KKP into the ropes before planting him with a double spinebuster with impact. They each hit opposite sides, off the ropes, and falling forward with a dual fist drop to the face of KKP. Billy gets out before Sharplin can pull him away and Tommy makes the cover. Only two as KKP kicks out. Evan has now pulled himself to the apron, favoring his ribs. The Superstar playfully slaps KKP in the head and is met with a wild swing. KKP manages to turn Deathrow around and gets ready to drop him with a belly-to-back suplex. Tommy flips through the move like a demented acrobat and floors KKP in the back of the head with a lariat. Tommy lays in some kicks to his SAD partner and roomie before lifting him up and planting him face first with a wicked Dominator. Tommy asks Billy is he should do a tea bag, but Billy implores him to make a pin instead. Tommy does, but a cocky one, and KKP easily gets the shoulder up. Tommy again feigns the tea bag but instead applies the Camel Clutch to KKP. JACK JONES: It's been all Medium-Sized Disasters this match. Why did Evan and Krusty Puke Paul even bother to show up? Tommy Deathrow hit that Dominator to send a message of just how dominant his team is. BILL HEWSON: Eating paint chips isn't good for you either, Jack Attack. KKP's face is a mask of pain and angst as Sir Tom really cinches into the clutch, pretending that he's Iron Sheik for a bit. Evan shouts out some encouragement and sticks out his hand, just out of reach. A surge forward is all he needs to... NO! Tommy releases the hold and drops all of his weight down on KKP's back. Tommy drags KKP to his corner and tags in Billy, who immediately climbs to the top. Tommy bodyslams KKP in the middle of the ring and Billy estimates the distance from over his shoulder. BILL HEWSON: You've got to be kidding me! JACK JONES: He's pretty lethal with that moonsault. Knocked the Celts back for a loop last week. Billy unleashes with the moonsault and, naturally, KKP lifts his knees up so that he can give a noxious toot. Billy lands belly first onto Pablo's bony knees and is hurting. KKP stands, stumbles, and avoids a swipe from Billy. The hot tag to Evan Cartwright and the crowd pops big time. Animal stares down Earthquake and size one another up with a slow-turning walk. Both men are favoring their ribs and biding their time without appearing to stall the match. BILL HEWSON: These two know one another so well by now, and this is the first time they've met against one another in a sanctioned match. JACK JONES: Quit the lallygagging and fight! Billy and Evan go into a collar and elbow tie-up. Billy behind with the waist lock, lifting his man. Evan blocks with his foot and nails his partner with a vicious back elbow followed by a deep Japanese arm drag. Billy is on his feet right away and Evan catches him with another arm drag. Billy to his feet and Evan telegraphs another arm drag. Billy blocks him this time and sweeps his leg behind Evan's while falling forward into an STO variation. Evan hits hard and Billy covers. Only two. Billy unleashes on his man with seemingly reckless abandon, his soup bone slamming into Evan's forearms as he tries to cover up and protect his head. Sharplin makes a four count and pulls Billy off his partner. The Doomrider protests when suddenly, something catches his eye near the entrance curtain. Delivery Men #1 and #2 are watching from afar, all smiles. BILL HEWSON: I hope these two really aren't up to no good. JACK JONES: You're almost as big a frick as they are. Billy points to them and shouts a warning when Evan pulls him back from behind and drops him with a wicked Inverted DDT. Evan covers, but Billy out at two. Evan's turn to unleash on his man by going back to his amateur boxing roots. Sharplin gives him four seconds before calling it off, and Evan obliges with a Roaring Elbow that knocks Billy for a loop, into his corner. Tommy slaps him on the chest for the tag and is eager to get at Evan again. The Animal obliges dropping Tommy with a toehold, hitting the ropes, and planting him face first with a stunted bulldog. Tommy holds his face in pain as Evan lifts him up and drops him back with a snap suplex followed by an elbow. Evan covers, but Tommy powers out at two. Tag to KKP, who is hot to get some revenge on Tommy after that breather. Evan and KKP whip The Superstar into the ropes and send him sailing out of the ring with a double team backdrop! Billy flies into the ring and they take him down with a double clothesline. Evan lifts his partner and drops his berries down hard on his knee for the inverted atomic drop. KKP flies off the 2nd rope and dropkicks Billy right in the kisser. BILL HEWSON: Nice double team work by a team quickly thrown together. JACK JONES: Yeah, KKP has had a positive effect on that bum, Cartwright. Deathrow is on his feet outside and Evan unleashes with a plancha suicida, taking his man down once again, but sacrificing his body. JACK JONES: Does that idiot think he's a luchadore? BILL HEWSON: What impact! They both just crashed in front of our table here! JACK JONES: I hope they don't bleed on my shoes! I just got them. Out of a dumpster. Tonight. Behind the Polish Hall. What a deal! Back inside, KKP attempts the Bottle Opener, but Billy blocks it as Evan did earlier to him. He kicks off the ropes for momentum and drops KKP with a bulldog. Billy is up fast and drills his man with Hot Salvation. This could be it, cover... NO! KKP kicks out at two and a half. Outside, Evan is to his feet first and gets back to his corner to await a tag. Billy sets KKP up for the Electric Chair Drop, but the Hawk lays in some hard strikes to the head and falls forward and down into a rolling pinning combo. Billy kicks out at two and KKP floors him with the big boot before tagging in Evan. Billy plays a bit of possum, selling the boot to the face by touching his lip. Evan falls for it and Billy whips him into the corner. Evan turns just in time for the Superkick to his own grille. The Kiss of Babylon. Billy into the cover, but Evan kicks out. Billy lifts his man and tries to tag Tommy in for the double team, but Evan holds fast and drops Billy with a belly-to-belly suplex of the desperation variety. Evan tags in KKP, and he climbs to the top while Evan sets Billy up on his shoulders. Doomsday Device! They nail the classic L.O.D. finisher and KKP into the cover. Tommy Deathrow in to break up the count at two! KKP tags Evan back in and the tag champ sets his co-champ up for The Cartwheel. Billy has this one scouted to a tee and even in his dazed state is able to stop from going over and pulls Evan forward into a facebuster. Billy tags in Tommy, who immediately goes to KKP in his corner and gives him a Dropkick Murphy that sends the Hawk sailing and crashing into the guardrail. Tommy gets up, turns, and slams into Evan in the corner with an avalanche. Billy runs in and does the same, smashing into Evan with the fury of a shark and the ferocity of a quake. Evan is dazed and Tommy goes to the top while Billy sets his partner up on his shoulders. BILL HEWSON: You've got to be kidding me! JACK JONES: Could it be? Thrones and Dominions, yes indeed. The Doomriders old finisher comes into play and Evan Cartwright is the unfortunate victim. Tommy covers as Billy baseball slide kicks the incoming KKP. ONE! TWO! THREE! FRANK WARBURTON: Here are YOUR winners...the MEDIUM SIZED DISASTERS! BILL HEWSON: And fittingly, The Medium-Sized Disasters prevail. But Kryenik took out his own partner to make the pin...! Tommy and Billy celebrate by putting on their fat suits and hopping around the ring to make it shake. Evan is still out, selling the move, while KKP slaps the apron in frustration. Tommy goes out and talks to his partner, assuring him that this isn't the end. Tommy reaches under the ring and produces a brown paper bag that Sir Pablo takes without hesitation. Billy is busy trying to get his partner to his feet as Tommy and KKP slowly make their way to the back. The Delivery Men move forward, all smiles, and watch as Bill helps Evan to his feet. Evan is woozy but alive, and manages to shove his partner away in disgust. Billy tries to talk to him, but Evan is having none of it. The Delivery Men catch both mens attention and motion that the belts are going around their waists. Billy flips them off and asks if they want to squeeze his man-boobs. Evan grabs a mic from Frank Warburton before the announcer can speak. EVAN CARTWRIGHT: So you two think this is it? Because me and Billy fought and he beat the crap out of me? I guess you guys are right. Perhaps we should just hand over the tag titles, no? Evan grabs his and Billy's title belts and looks ready to hand them over to the Delivery Men, who look perplexed by this as they stand just outside the ring. Billy gives Evan a look as if to say "What the hell?" when all of a sudden... KKP and Tommy Deathrow run up from behind and blast The Delivery Men in the back with steel chairs. Deathrow slams his chair down onto the concrete floor and drops #1 with a Deathrow Driver on the chair! KKP does the same and drops #2 with The Bottle Opener right on the chair. Kryenik is all evil smiles as he understands now, slapping hands with Evan and going outside to get his. The crowd boos emphatically as Billy lifts a prone #2 and whips him into the post, followed by a Kiss of Babylon. #2 looks to be out cold as all three men beat down on #1. Evan hops out of the ring, mic in hand. BILL HEWSON: This is just sick! Somebody stop this. I bet it was planned all along! JACK JONES: It's The Delivery Men's fault that they decided to come out. Now they're paying for it! EVAN CARTWRIGHT: You thought it'd be a cakewalk, D-Men? You thought the Bi-Polar Express was on the rocks? We give each other harder love taps than we did in the ring. We can still beat the crap out of one another and then unite to take out some trash. Evan pauses, the crowd not liking this at all. Boos start up, although the crowd is still stunned... EVAN CARTWRIGHT: For too long now, my esteemed comrades: Sir William, Sir Thomas, and Sir Paul have been labeled things like "Garbage Wrestler," "Misanthropic Misfit," and "Dumpster Royale Specialist". Well I see something different... I see three men loyal, sick, disturbed, and depraved enough to take on anyone in NAPW and make them their personal BITCH! They are tired and I am tired of hearing the same old crap about they can't wrestle in the traditional sense. Well now, with one of the greatest mat wrestlers in the game, that being myself, on their side... that will no longer be an issue. Evan lifts a bloodied #1 up and gets right in his face. EVAN CARTWRIGHT: See you boys next week... be sure to bring that lovely little red-headed girlfriend of yours. I've been dying to meet her. Evan slams the mic into #1's head and we hear the static fizzle. All four lay the boots to him a bit more before satisfied. BPE and SAD all raise their arms in victory as the crowd doesn't seem to like this one bit. BILL HEWSON: A sick display by two great tag teams who have sunk to a new low! I used to have such respect for the Bi-Polar Express too. JACK JONES: They're starting to grow on me, now. Sexy Adorable Drunks must have made an impression with them. BILL HEWSON: Either way, the Delivery Men will be looking for revenge and sparks will fly next week on Tuesday Night Fights! What a horrible end to a great show... for Jack Jones, this is Bill Hewson saying GOOD NIGHT! The fab four hit the corners, the Delivery Men are down, the crowd booing. Lights down.
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