PACIFIC FIGHT NIGHT08/01/2006Get the shot. Displaced Edmontonians and Anchorage locals gathered around the NAPW ring, filling an armoury in Anchorage, Alaska. The crowd is chanting "NAPW, NAPW!". Cut to Bill Hewson & Jack Attack Jones at the announce table, ringside. BILL HEWSON: Welcome everyone to NOT just another edition of NAPW Tuesday Night Fights. Tonight, live from Anchorage Alaska, New Alberta Pro comes to with a PACIFIC FIGHT NIGHT! Welcome everyone, I'm Bill Hewson alongside Jack "Attack" Jones, a man who once held the Alaskan Heavyweight Title in the late 1970's. JACK JONES: Bill Hewson, I was the GREATEST Alaskan Heavyweight Champion of all time. These people revere me to this day. Why, since we made port in Alaska off the Champion Ship, I've had to go in cognito just to get around without being mobbed. BILL HEWSON: Two middle-aged ring rats hardly counts as a mob. JACK JONES: It does if you're awesome! BILL HEWSON: This entire show, of course, is the scheme of NAPW owner Joseph Winchell. Many of the fans you see here tonight are from Alberta... You know, I never suspected Joseph Winchell had such deep pockets. He's paid for not only every NAPW superstar to come onboard this cruise, but several hundred fans. And still nobody likes the former "Bad Boy"... JACK JONES: These fans don't know how to show appreciation. They've received a free cruise and a vacation, all thanks to the genorosity of Joseph Winchell & the Charitable Trust. Ingrates, that's what they are, ingrates. Skillet interrupts Jack Jones, as Carter Owens makes his entrance. BILL HEWSON: Whether you like Winchell or not, we are coming to you live from Alaska... and getting set for our first match, a Four Corner Explosion match. First pinfall or submission ends the match, Jones! JACK JONES: Getting ANY pinfalls or submissions would be a start for Carter Owens. This man has a victory over D!, Bill Hewson! And as much as I can't stand that toque-wearing chump, a win over him is a Big Deal. So why the hell can't Carter Owens beat ... you know. Anybody else? FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is the Four Corner Explosion match for a Provincial Title shot! The referee is Henry Andrews. Now, introducing the participants... First! He is CARTER OWENS! Owens hits the ring. SCIENCE! SOAD tears it up, and out drifts Delivery Man #100 aka STEIN. The crowd pops nicely for him. FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing second, hailing from the Delivery Depot... STEINNNN! BILL HEWSON: The Delivery Man wants to get another chance at the Provincial Title, Jack Attack. This is his opportunity to do it and get the D-Men back on the winning track! FRANK WARBURTON: Next, from Denver Colorado, accompanied to the ring by TEX... weighing in at two-hundred pounds, he is NORTH T. GUNNNNNDERSONNNN! Oh me oh my, it's so peppy. Up with people! Up with people! North T. Gunderson, the former Thunder, makes an entrance to a decent pop (a few boos are heard.) At his side is TEX, stunning in her black leather trenchcoat, black jeans, black cowboy hat, and red top displaying her ample cleavage. North, grinning broadly, opens his steel chair at ringside and motions for a scowling Tex to watch the match in comfort. FRANK WARBURTON: And introducing the reigning Pure Honor champion... from Moolieville, Minnesota! He weighs in at two-hundred and thirty-five pounds... DEXTRO! The Pure Honor champion struts out with the Kiniski Cup to a surprising pop mingled with boos. A definite mixed reaction. Dextro doesn't really know how to react to the crowd cheering him so he heads straight to the ring, rolling his neck to stretch last minute. BILL HEWSON: Dextro's theme song is "My Addiction" by Rehab, and for Dextro, wrestling is his addiction! This is a man who has cleaned himself up and to the shock of many, won the prestigious Kiniski Cup from the seemingly unstoppable Patrick Bickle. JACK JONES: And not only that, Bill Hewson, but Dextro is in a three-way tie for the longest winning streak in NAPW history right now. You know who he's tied with? BILL HEWSON: Well, I think I do... JACK JONES: D! and Sick Billy Kryenik, Hewson! Dextro is tied up with two of the greatest NAPW superstars! And only I, JACK JONES, believed in him! BILL HEWSON: Says the man who started up the "Dextro Dead Pool" in the locker room. The Pure title is not on the line tonight, folks, but a Provincial Title shot is. Dextro & Gunderson square off next week at our Night of Champions next week back in Edmonton for the Kiniski Cup. Imagine, Jack Jones, if Dextro or North wins this contest --- they'll be in TWO title matches next week! DING DING DING. Bell rings, Carter Owens & Dextro start off. Lock-up, Owens uses his strength to get behind Dextro in a hammerlock. Dextro elbows the man in the face and hits the ropes, clothesline attempt from Owens, Dextro ducks, leaps, springboards off the ropes with a moonsault! He gets two off of that, Owens tries to catch him with a rear-waist lock, Dextro with a standing switch, front headlock applied... there's the leg lock! Dextro trying to wear Owens out, Stein & North on the apron watching closely. Owens gets an elbow and out, hits the ropes... Stein made a blind tag. Owens has to leave, and Stein gets in the ring. He picks up Dextro with ONE HAND and tosses him across the ring. Stein slowly, almost drifting, walks towards Dextro. Gorilla Press! Incredible strength from the seemingly frail Delivery Man... and he drops Dextro face first. Stein makes a squeeze bottle motion? Why, he wants Dextro --- he wants him SMOTHERED IN KETCHUP! Dextro gets up, dazed, and Stein LOCKS IT ON! Dextro is Smothered IN Ketchup --- wait a minute! Dextro wildly manages to get near the ropes, and North Gunderson tags him in! The referee Henry Andrews tells Stein to release Dextro. Stein hesitates, but that's all the time North needs to slap on a MILLION DOLLAR DREAM! That forces Stein to let go of Dextro as North tries to put Stein to sleep! JACK JONES: Take out that Delivery Dope, Gunderson! BILL HEWSON: North T. Gunderson has been on a winning streak as of late, he'd love to win this match going into his Pure title shot next Tuesday. JACK JONES: It's all about momentum, Bill Hewson. Hey... look in the aisle, it's Stylin' Kyle Roberts! BILL HEWSON: One-half of the four-time tag team champions watching this match closely. It was just last week that Gunderson blasted Kyle with a steel chair, then Emerald Fused him on it! Kyle's lucky to be in wrestling shape tonight... JACK JONES: North wouldn't have had to avenge his honor like that if Roberts had played fair in their Pure Honor match weeks ago. A man must avenge the insult upon his person, just like North did last week. Roberts looks on intently, Bill Fleming at his side. They seem to be discussing something... in the ring, Stein has reached out to grab the ropes. North immediately releases the sleeper hold. Stein lunges forward at North, grabbing the man by the throat... North gasps for air as the referee counts one, two, three, four, Stein lets go. Delivery Man #100 seems to be in a strange place this week, none of his friends at his side. Stein releases North's throat and glares at Henry Andrews, who gulps. Stein turns aroundSUPERKICK. Stein crashes back into a corner, and Dextro slap the man's shoulder to come in. Dextro leaps to the top rope, springboard dropkick misses North, who grabs the man for an irish whip into Stein! Dextro crashes into Stein, and wait, here comes Carter Owens at a run! North ducks behind his clothesline and nails the Blackout to the back of Owen's head, sending him face-first into the canvas. North Gundreson is on fire! He grabs the legal man, Dextro, and sets up for a Shining Wizard... Dextro ducks the knee! North is off balance, Dextro dropkicks the man over the top rope! Here comes Owens, Dextro body drops him onto North! Stein glides over to try it, but Dextro grabs him with the DEXPLEX to the outside! All three opponents are on the outside, and what's Dextro doing? He's going to the top rope! SHOOTING STAR PRESS TO THE OUTSIDE MISSES! SPLAT! JACK JONES: Dextro went for it all, and got nothing! BILL HEWSON: The high-risk didn't pay off for the Pure champion, Jack Jones, and now it's time for somebody to take advantage. Carter Owens just rolled Dextro into the ring and tagged himself in--- hold the phone, who are they? JACK JONES: Looks like the kind of guys that show up when you can't cover your gambling debts, Hewson! Not that I would know anything about that. Three men have rushed out to the aisle in matching suits, differentiated only by color. One white, one gray, one black. And those three men grab a dazed Stein... BAG OVER HIS HEAD! Handcuffs around the back! They pick up the lightweight, confused Stein and hustle him back up the aisle! The crowd boos that, as in the ring, Carter Owens and North tangle. Dextro has rolled to the outside, clearly injured after splatting body-first into the concrete on the Shooting Star attempt. Owens goes for 11:52, his crucifix powerbomb! He lifts North up high...North flips over the top and drives a foot right into Owens' knee! Owens: "ARGH!" down to one knee, North runs the ropes... SHINING WIZARD! He covers for one, two, Dextro makes the save! Dextro wants the Provincial Title shot --- Dextro going for the Meth Bust, no! Gunderson reverses and grabs the man for a high-angle back suplex! Dextro gasps post-impact, clearly the wind knocked out of his lungs! Owens is back to his feet, watch North! SLICED BREAD #2 CONNECTS! North sprints over the fallen Owens and in one fluid motion runs up the turnbuckles into his Positive Defeat moonsault! Cover gets ONE, TWO, THREE! FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of the match and Provincial Title shot... NORTH T GUNNNNDERSONNNN! Tex steps into the ring, applauding as North smiles ecstatically. Kyle Roberts & Fleming look on darkly, turning to leave. Owens rolls out of the ring. North jumps around like he's already won two titles in one night... Dextro is up. North extends a big hand with a BIG GRIN to Dextro, who... shakes the hand. BILL HEWSON: Great display of sportsmanship from our Pure Honor champion... JACK JONES: No! Dextro, you idiot, that's when you sucker him in! POW! Man, kids these days with their newfangled "pure honor" and mypods BILL HEWSON: That's "iPod", Jones. A big victory here tonight for North T. Gunderson, and as shocking as it sounds --- next week, Gunderson will wrestle for two different titles! Gunderson vs Dextro, Pure Honor... and Gunderson vs "The Lemondrop Kid" Lloyd Rees, Provincial Title on the line! When we come back, Ravager versus Jared Walsh! And the White Collar Assassin has a big announcement planned... don't go anywhere.
BILLY KRYENIK: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. As you all know, what I have here beside me is the most sadistic gamble not funded by the Lottery and Gaming Commision... the WHEEL... OF... DEATH! The crowd has mixed reactions. Some fans love the idea of seeing two combatants battle it out with weapons of human-mass destruction, others take into consideration who is demanding the wheel's presence. BILLY KRYENIK: Now before I bring out a man who will carry on the Wheels legacy for one more night... let me give you a little insight onto what this wheel represents... The fans do nothing but stand in awe at the Hardcore Legend's presence. After all, he has enough guts to stand next to one of the things that may have attributed to his current neck condition. BILLY KRYENIK: You all know that a month or more ago I suffered a broken neck at the hands of Bruce Richards. Mixed reaction from the fans. BILLY KRYENIK: But that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It wasn't just Richards that did it too me... it's a career of breaking my bones and putting my heart, soul and blood into every fight I've had. Dating back to when I first stepped into a ring that was surrounded in barbed wire to the present where I stand, helpless in this (BLEEP)ing halo... This wheel represents a type of chaos that only certain men can endure. Men... like Tommy Deathrow. The crowd boos Men like Patrick Bickle. Mixed reaction. BILLY KRYENIK: Both of those men know how it feels to take such a gamble... But now, it's Ravagers turn! The crowd is overwhelmed with ill will towards the Man for Hire. BILLY KRYENIK: Look, before you boo him out of the building, you have to understand that if you were in his position, you'd do the exact same thing. YouŐd want to bring your opponent to a place that people don't like to talk about. You'd want to make him or her suffer in a way that is locked deep in the back of your mind. There have been countless battles in my career. I have spilt more blood then this entire roster combined... because nothing can beat the sound of your name being declared the winner after you've wrapped your opponent in razor wire and tossed him 10 feet into a flaming table! That, my dear friends, is Honor. THIS (Points to the Wheel of Death) is where Pride lives! This is the REPRESENTATION OF EXTREME JUSTICE! NOW I GIVE YOU... RAVAGERRRR! "Path" hits the speakers. Ravager emerges from the curtains, to a chorus of boos. He walks over to the Wheel of Death, where Kryenik is waiting. RAVAGER: Here it is folks. The Wheel Of Death. 16 possible outcomes. Wait, check that. There is only one possible outcome. Pain. All we're choosing here is the method I'll inflict it. Mister Kryenik, what awaits the NAPW champion next week? BILLY KRYENIK: A bit of old and new. Some Wheel Of Death staples. Some new choices. And a few twists on the classics! No Ropes Barbed-wire Match! Beds of Barbed Wire and Nails! Or maybe you'll relive the classic battle of Greg Valentine and Roddy Piper with a Dog Collar Chain Match? For the kids, we got THE C4 Bomb Match! (huge pop) For those of you who want the NAPW to go to new heights: The Scaffold Match! (some cheers, groans at the pun) The "Whyte Ave Bar Fight" Brawl! RAVAGER: Or as I call it: A normal Friday night. BILLY KRYENIK: The legendary,"Jack Attack Jones" Genital Submission match! To date, only legal in three provinces! JACK JONES: And we haven't put on a show in any of them! BILL HEWSON: Oh my... BILLY KRYENIK: The Log Cabin Light Tubes Match! Flaming Tables! (a "We Want Fire" chant begins) How about Fans Bring the Weapons? (massive pop) The deadly Three Stages of Hell Match. The 10,000 Thumbtacks match. And a new twist on the classic: The TAIPEI Lumberjack Match! (huge pop for that as well) Then there's the Finisher's Only Match, an Electrified Ring Rope Match, and finally: An Iron Man Death Match! Massive fan response. These people are eager for blood! RAVAGER: Now, we're not going to spin it right now. (boos from the fans) I have business in the ring. Plus, I want the title match tonight to be a classic. I want them to put on the show of their lives. And how could they do that if they knew what awaits next week? Hell, chances are that they'd be falling over each other trying to lose the match so they could avoid their fate. And I care about the fans too much to allow that. The fans boo some more. They know when they're being lied too. RAVAGER:: So sit back, and try not to let the anticipation kill you. Ravager drops the mic and dashes to the ring, bypassing the ring introduction. Morgan calls for the bell, right before Jared Walsh is nailed with a hellacious clothesline. That had to rock his socks off. Ravager delivers a solid boot to the head and is going off on Jared. Ravager picks him up for a body slam followed by an elbow drop. Now Ravager is choking him. Morgan gives a five count to break it. Ravager stops at four. He then smiles a bit and begins choking him again. Ainsley Lake is going ballistic as Ravager again stops at the four count. Jared on instincts alone punches Ravager in the head. He leg trips Ravager and begins wailing on him only to be warned of a DQ if he doesn't stop. Bill Kryenik has made his way to the ring. That gets Jared's attention. JACK JONES: Finally the sides are evened up. No more cheating will be taking place by Ainsley Lake. BILL HEWSON: What has she done, beyond cheer? JACK JONES: You need some eye surgery don't you? Ravager is opportunistic to say the least. Ravager hits Jared from behind. Ravager picks up Jared and Jared fights him off. He tries to dropkick to Ravager only to be swatted away. Ravager picks him up again and nails a Northern Lights Suplex. He makes the cover. One... Two... Ravager picks him up off the mat. JACK JONES: He isn't through quite yet. Ravager is sending a message to everybody in NAPW, Bill Hewson. BILL HEWSON: Sending a message? Ravager is just showing off, this is disgusting! End the match already, Walsh is a tag team wrestler! Ravager sees Ainsley and eyeballs Jared. He picks him up, Gorilla Presses him and throws him over the top rope onto AINSLEY! They're both hurt. Ravager hears Morgan counting Jared out. He goes to the outside and positions Jared's body on the floor, where his head against the steel railing. Ravager walks off a bit... Ainsley Lake gets in front of him before he starts his way back. She's putting herself in harm's way to protect her partner... and Ravager laughs. He blocks her punch and swings behind, hooking her in for THE LAST RESORT ON THE FLOOR. BILL HEWSON: THAT WAS JUST SICKENING! I thought we'd seen the last of Ravager assaulting women, but that... she was just out here! Somebody stop this man! JACK JONES: This isn't a tag match, Hewson! Lake shouldn't have been here anyways! Morgan is checking on Lake. Ravager sees Jared and runs at him with THE SILENCER! Jared is dead. Ravager just crushed Jared's skull. EMTs are coming out to check on Lake. Ravager puts Jared in the ring, Morgan Smythe following. Ravager positions Jared Walsh on the top rope and follows up. Jared is helpless to prevent... INSTANT KARMA! And Walsh. Is. Out. Morgan checks on him as Ravager gloats and isn't covering him. She calls for the bell. Ravager looks at her angry. She goes over to Frank. FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of the match via knockout... RAVAGERRRRR! Boooooooooooooo! Ravager looks on, a sinister grin on his face, as EMTs come and get Jared out of the ring. JACK JONES: This isn't UFC... Pin or submission! BILL HEWSON: She has to look out for the well being of the wrestlers. Ravager would have tried to do even more damage and Morgan knows that. I'm in shock at how Ravager dismantled Dream Come True, the #1 contenders to the tag titles. Ever since he joined up with Winchell's band of thugs, Ravager has been on a warpath, this beating was unnecessary! JACK JONES: It's about time, Bill Hewson, Ravager sent that kind of message to the wrestling world. I saw so much potential in Ravager, all these months, all this potential squandered on fair play and honor. He's had wars with D! before, he's had wars with Static, but next week Bill Hewson, next week? D! or Static, next week, they have to step into the ring against the White Collar Assassin, Wheel of Death rules. Hell, I almost think that the loser of tonight's title match is... the winner! BILL HEWSON: You give D! and even that psycho Static too little credit, Jones. Nonetheless... Ravager wins tonight, and next week, will challenge for the NAPW Heavyweight Title! When we come back, Devastation takes on Crash Carver! Stay tuned.
JACK JONES: Like I said, Eskimos are really good people. But a word to the wise: drinking in the Arctic isn't as fun as it sounds. Especially when you have to pee. BILL HEWSON: ...We're back live, and our next match will be a war. The underdog Crash Carver will take on the F*NAPW Champion Devastation --- wait a minute, something's going on in the back! What? Devastation?! Cut backstage, where Josh Reynolds is rushing to the scene. Longshot - THE MANAGER OF CHAMPIONS - stands over Devastation. The powerhouse is slumped against the wall, blood streaming from his forehead. His eyes are glazed, he looks knocked out yet conscious, out on his feet so to speak. JOSH REYNOLDS: Longshot, Devastation --- what happened here? What about your match --- LONGSHOT: Match? Reynolds you little toad, I'm only going to say it once: Does this man look in condition to wrestle? It was THE MAN IN BLACK! He attacked Devastation with a lead pipe, for God's sakes! Winchell --- Winchell! There you are! Look at this bull(BLEEP)! Commissioner Joseph Winchell skids into the scene, eyes bulging at the devastation (heh) in front of him. He stammers. JOSEPH WINCHELL: B-but it's not possible, I fired Kabukimono... I fired them! Unless... wait a minute! I know who the Man In Black is! Why didn't I see it before, of COURSE they want revenge, those... deliverers! Longshot, take care of Devastation! Winchell away! Joseph sprints off, leaving a disgusted Longshot behind. LONGSHOT: I know how to do MY job, what about you, Winchell? Back to ringside. IRON MAIDEN kicks up, here comes Crash Carver! JACK JONES: Somebody give this kid a memo, there's no match happening tonight. BILL HEWSON: Young Crash Carver looks like he has something to say, Jack Jones. Carver takes the mic. The crowd gives the youngster a cheer. CRASH CARVER: Looks like I don't get a chance to wrestle for YOU, my fans, and that is disappointing! You deserve to see the Greatest Wrestler In NAPW Today perform for you! But fans, I've got another issue to address! You see, I'm number two contender to the TV Title... Mr. Slick, I don't care that you're defending against Crusher next week! I want a TV Title shot... TONIGHT! (crowd pops) "Shut up Crash!" JACK JONES: Oh my word, Bill Hewson! It's the TELEVISION CHAMPION, MR. SLICK! Do you think...uh... you could get me his autograph? BILL HEWSON: Grow up, honestly. MR. SLICK: Well it's like this Crash Carver, you're not the number ONE contender, so no title shot for you! You can't touch this! CRASH CARVER: I don't blame you for not wanting to step into the ring with the soon-to-be Greatest TV Champion of All Time, but what are you, chicken? Come on! MR. SLICK: I'm not chicken! I'm the man with the plan! And he's right behind you! Crash goes "huh?" as the crowd erupts, because from under the ring has come Mr. Slick's double! Crash turns around and gets POWED in the face by the double! The real Mr. Slick rushes to the ring wearing his TV Title belt, slipping on his trademark brass knuckles... Crash fights with the double, but gets POWED by the brass knuckle equipped fist of Mr. Slick! BILL HEWSON: It's a two on one, and Crash's partner KIDD isn't on the Champion Ship! Crash is all alone! JACK JONES: Hey, he's getting what he deserves for calling out Mr. Slick. Look out, Bill Hewson! BILL HEWSON: Oh no, the HARD DDT onto the Television Title belt! Mr. Slick and his (beep) have beaten Crash down... what the heck? What is that music? JACK JONES: Superfreak? BILL HEWSON: It sounds a little like... MC Hammer? Oh yes, Bill Hewson, it is indeed MC Hammer. "U Can't Touch This." The fans look confused, but then begin to boo. In the ring, Mr. Slick has begun to dance and karaoke to the song, and everytime he says "Can't touch this"... he POINTS TO HIS TV TITLE BELT. JACK JONES: ...this is the greatest thing I have ever seen. BILL HEWSON: Mr. Slick telling Crash Carver and the rest of NAPW, as long as he's TV Champion, you can't touch that belt! That remains to be seen, he defends it against Crusher next Tuesday night... JACK JONES: It doesn't matter if you're Crusher, Crash Carver, or coocoo for Coco Puffs, nobody touches the TV Title but Mr. Slick! Superfreak! Can't touch this! The crowd is actively booing, but Mr. Slick continues his impromptu KARAOKE... POP! WAIT A MINUTE! BUZZZZ... CRUSHER HAS COME FROM THE CROWD! JACK JONES: TURN ARRRRROUND CHAMP! BILL HEWSON: Crusher is crouched down, he's calling for a SPEAR--- SLICK TURNS--- SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR! He nailed the double! Mr. Slick pulled his double in the way of that THUNDEROUS spear, and he's out of here! Mr. Slick is heading up the aisle, looking back at The Crusher, the crowd going bonkers. Slick says "No way, man!" Crusher grabs the double, hooks the head... JACKHAMMER! Crusher covers, the crowd chants ONE, TWO, THREE!" Crusher hits the ropes and makes the "belt" motion. Mr. Slick is MAD, folks! BILL HEWSON: That could be Mr. Slick in one week! You're looking at your future, champ! JACK JONES: You think Mr. Slick'll go down that easily? Crusher's got another thing comin', Bill Hewson! BILL HEWSON: This has been... a surprising segment here. Instead of Devastation vs Carver, we got the Television Champion and The Crusher! When we return, however... it will be the big handicap match! The New & Improved D-X team up with "The Nexus One" Rex Caliber to take on Sexy Adorable Drunks, Provincial Champion Lloyd Rees, and the wildcard in the whole situation... Patrick Bickle. We'll be right back.
BILL HEWSON: You disgust me. Welcome back to not Tuesday Night Fights, but the PACIFIC FIGHT NIGHT! We are live from Alaska and this has been a show of surprises. Up next is our big semi-main event. Last week, D-X became four-time tag team champions by defeating The Delivery Men, but first, both teams had to fight off interference from Joseph Winchell's cronies... Charitable Trust and Violence International members. Guest referee Rex Caliber got into the fray so that the match could end clean... so Winchell has booked this match as punishment! It is a handicap match-up, pitting D-X & Rex Caliber against quite the team, Jack Jones. JACK JONES: What a team it is, Hewson! SUPERSTAR Thomas Deathrow, Krusty Kid Paul, "THE LEMONDROP KID" Lloyd Rees --- he's the provincial champion you know --- BILL HEWSON: I'm aware. JACK JONES: And for additional violence, the former Pure Honor Champion, Patrick Bickle. D-Rex doesn't stand a chance. BILL HEWSON: The current climate in NAPW makes for strange bedfellows... we've seen Rex Caliber team with Bruce Richards once before, months ago in the Mix & Match tag match against Immortal and Cameron Scott. But tonight, it's Richards, Roberts & Rex against four of the most dangerous men in NAPW. Let's go to Frank Warburton. Does he ever wear something besides that tux, Jones? JACK JONES: The Shadow knows! BILL HEWSON: Sigh. FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is the HANDICAP WAR The match is one-fall to a finish, and will be conducted under SUPERSTAR RULES! Any man can be pinned at any time, no tags are required! Now, introducing the first team...
"I'm too sexy for my cat! FRANK WARBURTON: Coming to the ring at a total combined weight of two-hundred and ninety-four pounds, the team of SUPERSTAR Thomas Deathrow... Krusty Kid Paul... SEXY, ADORABLE DRUNNNNKS! BILL HEWSON: And oh God, they ... didn't put on any wrestling gear. JACK JONES: You're just jealous of what the Superstar's smuggling! BILL HEWSON: Folks, if you have small children, or really, wish to retain your sanity, please, come back for the main event, because Deathrow & KKP appear to be wrestling in boots and...well, speedos. The crowd is gagging as the Drunks head to the ring in footwear and speedos. Deathrow has a big gold chain on for good measure, his gut hanging over the speedo. NIPPLE RUB for some lady-types at ringside. The crowd boos like crazy as the Drunks get in the ring and hit the top rope, their god-awful small speedos ensuring we all know which Drunk is circumcised and which isn't (KKP). BILL HEWSON: ...well. That really is uh...something. JACK JONES: I envy your free-spirted pantsless ways, SAD! Jumanji! BILL HEWSON: ... for the love of GOD, put your PANTS BACK ON! JACK JONES: Free and easy, Hewson! FRANK WARBURTON: (miraculously composed)... and their partner... from Bell Island, Newfoundland, he weighs in at two-hundred and forty-seven pounds! I give you the reigning Provincial Champion... "THE LEMONDROP KID" LLLLLLOYD REEEEEES! "Fightin' 59" by Harry Hibbs kicks in, and out stride Lloyd Rees & his manager Ol' Salty. Lloyd is wearing a "FREE NFLD" t-shirt, wearing the Provincial Title over one shoulder. He looks over the crowd and snarls. BILL HEWSON: And this man, the three-time Provincial Champion, has been on a tear lately. Ever since regaining the Provincial Championship Lloyd Rees has been a different man, a violent, angry man. JACK JONES: There is no one man in the NAPW who was as underappreciated by the former administration then "The Lemondrop Kid", Hewson. Can you blame him for getting a mean streak? He's going to keep that Provincial Title come hell or highwater! Lloyd gets in the ring. If he's shocked and appalled by the booted pantsless wonders, he doesn't show it. Obviously Lloyd Rees knows that his teammates are two of the toughest, most violent men in NAPW, ring attired or lack thereof notwithstanding. The music changes. DJ Shadow. Numbers song. And here comes... FRANK WARBURTON: And the final member of the team, from New York City! He weighs in at one-hundred and seventy-five pounds... I give you PATRIIIIICK BIIIICKLE! JACK JONES: And if you think Violence International was deadly before, what about this man on their side? There is nobody, save maybe Static, who is as vicious and hardcore as Patrick Bickle. There is DEFINITELY nobody who is as willing to put their body on the line as Patrick Bickle, Bill Hewson. BILL HEWSON: Bickle is a monster in the ring, don't let his sleight frame fool you. He will put his body on the line... as Pure Honor Champion, he was part of some of the most hardcore matches this promotion has ever seen, without using a single weapon! What will he do in this no disqualification environment? JACK JONES: You remember Epic, Hewson. Bickle beat Billy Kryenik in a Wheel of Death mandated STAIRWAY TO HELL match. He had to be cut free of the barbed wire even though he won! There is no length Patrick Bickle will not go to win wrestling matches! BILL HEWSON: But WHY is he teaming with Charitable Trust and Violence International members? To get in good with Joseph Winchell? It doesn't seem like Bickle's way. JACK JONES: Joseph Winchell knows that you want a man like Patrick Bickle as your ally, not your enemy. You know how to keep Bickle happy? BILL HEWSON: How's that? JACK JONES: Give him bodies to mow down, and that's just what Winchell is doing. D-X & Rex Caliber are in the way, and that's all Bickle needs. Bickle, Rees, Deathrow & Paul wait in the ring, the latter two trash-talking fans. Bickle stares vacantly into space as Rees punches his palm in anticipation... "MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN! SICKER THAN SICK!" And the crowd goes willllllld. FRANK WARBURTON: And THEIR OPPONENTS! Being accompanied to the ring by Bill Fleming, at a total combined weight of SEVEN-HUNDRED and seventy-two pounds... STYLIN' KYLE ROBERTS! BRUCE "THE BEAST" RICHARDS! "THE NEXUS ONE" REX CALIBER! For one night only, THE NEW & IMPROVED DEEEEE-REXXXXX! BILL HEWSON: AND THIS CROWD JUST BLEW THE ROOF OFF THE PLACE! JACK JONES: WHAT? BILL HEWSON: I SAID --- this fight isn't waiting for the bell! HERE WE GO, JONES, keep your hat on! JACK JONES: WHAT? And with that, John Sharplin rings the bell because let's face it: This isn't going to be a NORMAL match. SEXY! ADORABLE! DRUNKS rush the aisle, Lloyd Rees heading the way! They careen into the trio of Rex/Richards/Roberts. Brawl for ALL, baby! The action is too fast and furious to call, it's just a wild brawl...something Thomas Deathrow & KKP excel at. Krusty Kid Paul is getting the better of Stylin' Kyle. The Beast & Thomas Deathrow are going toe-to-toe, the big roughneck taking on the Superstar! Lloyd Rees isn't faring as well against Rex Caliber, however --- The Nexus One is definitely the stronger brawler of the two EYE GOUGE. Rees gouges Rex in the eyes, hooks the man for a front-suplex! Blocked, Caliber suplexes LLOYD on the aisle! Rees begs off, Caliber doesn't let up, LOW BLOW by Rees! Caliber's knees lock together (as do those of every man in the audience from sympathy pain). And Rees finishes it off with a big DDT on Caliber, bouncing the man's head on the aisle! Krusty Kid Paul has Kyle against the guard rail, Lloyd joins in on the boot-stomping fun. Double irish whip sends Kyle into the corner of the ring... Deathrow charges Bruce! Body drop sends Deathrow into the crowd, and The Beast follows suit. He's got a steel chair --- WHAM! Wraps it around Deathrow's head! Thomas goes down only to his knees, and The Beast readies another brutal chair shot, but it's krusty lemon time! KKP & Lloyd Rees each chop-block The Beast's knees, knocking him flat on his back. The head of Richards' bounces off the concrete, but he doesn't have time to recover --- KKP holds the chair in place over Bruce's chest as Lloyd gets some distance... running senton splash on the chair! Lloyd reeling in pain himself, but Bruce just got the wind knocked out of him but good. And now here's Thomas Deathrow... what's this? Tommy grabs Bruce's legs, wishbone... STOMP to the balls. Nothing fancy about that, it's just Deathrow killing you dead. Krusty Kid Paul giggles madly, and then tells Deathrow that he's got an idea. BILL HEWSON: Bruce Richards is being assaulted here, now what's Krusty Kid Paul got in mind? When a guy like that has an idea... JACK JONES: You run, Hewson. Have you ever tried running in the buck? It's very liberating. BILL HEWSON: Krusty Kid Paul and Thomas Deathrow have hauled The Beast up, what are they planning to do here... they dump Bruce back to the aisle! KKP and Deathrow have chairs, they're closing in! CON-CHAIR-TO to The Beast --- he ducks! SAD smash chairs, REX CALIBER! The Nexus One STORMS into the scene to take down the SAD! What a double clothesline! Caliber grabs KKP --- belly to belly's him towards the ring! Deathrow gets the same treatment! Rex Caliber remembers that Deathrow scored a pinfall win on him several weeks ago, the bad blood between these two isn't new. LLOYD REES FROM BEHIND! Conception Bay Chinlock locked onto Rex Caliber, that can't end the match, it's not in the ring... THE BEAST. Richards with the COBRA CLUTCH onto Lloyd Rees! Rees tries to hold onto Rex, but Rex throws a back headbutt to get free, and The Beast cobra clutch BOMBS Rees down to the aisle! BILL HEWSON: And through this all, Patrick Bickle has simply watched the match from the ring. He hasn't thrown a punch yet, much less executed a suplex. JACK JONES: Right there, that's what makes his team the winners. It's been three on three and already D-Rex has taken the punishment. You add Patrick Bickle in... and there's no hope, no hope at all! The Beast & Rex Caliber are up, poor Kyle Roberts is being assaulted by some drunks, who happen to be sexy and adorable. Richards & Rex come into the scene and blast Tommy & Paul, brawling. Roberts gets up, looking offended. "HEY! I am NOT cannon fodder!" Deathrow manages to knock Rex down, he leers at the crowd, noting a familiar face in the front row. It's AMY! Deathrow sticks his tongue out at her, then turns around to do more damage STYLES KICK! The Roberts superkick knocks Deathrow's teeth near down his throat! Kyle winks at Amy, who blushes and rolls her eyes simaltaneously... Here's Lloyd Rees! Lloyd Rees attacks Rex again, all six men on the outside are paired off and brawling. And you know, if you were in the ring, and prone to high-flying near-suicidal maneuvers in those kinds of situations, well.
JACK JONES: He's SUICIDAL, Hewson! He's RECKLESS! And he just made the biggest impact in the match! BILL HEWSON: We need another look at that --- here we go! All sex wrestlers out on the floor, and watch Patrick Bickle! He gives it one glance, and then it's 0 to 60 in five seconds! OVER the top rope, no grace to it at all, he wipes out the entire lot of them and himself in the process! JACK JONES: "Six" wrestlers. BILL HEWSON: Beg pardon? JACK JONES: You said "Sex" wrestlers. Listen, if you're having problems in your married life, I have the perfect solution... BILL HEWSON: I'm sure I don't ever want to hear it. Back to the match, Patrick Bickle is getting up! "HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT" is being chanted, duh. It's awesome. Patrick Bickle is on his knees, the only one even remotely vertical, staring up to the ceiling with a deadly expression. Is he smiling? He might be. Bickle grabs Bruce Richards by the hair and pulls him up, rolling him into the ring. JACK JONES: And they're finally in the ring! BILL HEWSON: Patrick Bickle with bad intentions on his mind here, Jack Attack! The Beast is in the line of fire, like you said! JACK JONES: Because I'm feeling generous, I'll allow you to agree with me. Bickle's going up top, buh-bye Beast! Patrick Bickle is ON THE TOP ROPE. He's feeling froggy! FROG SPLASH connects on The Beast! Bickle with the RVD sell, because by GOD it hurts the way he does it... he covers! Sharplin counts ONE! TWO! The Beast POWERS out, literally throwing Bickle off of him and across the ring. The power of The Beast, but he's still hurt from Bickle's attack. Meanwhile on the outside, Rex & Roberts are being overwhelmed by the numbers game. Bickle drives his knee into The Beast's face as on the outside, Sexy Adorable Drunks have Rex Caliber... sending him flying into the ring post! Lloyd Rees thumbs Kyle in the eye, then rolls him in the ring. What's this? Lloyd Rees leaps to the top rope, SPRINGBOARD! Fresh Water Flip! He makes a cover on Kyle, ONE, TWO, Roberts kicks out. Rees then pulls Kyle up, calling for it! DDT FROM THE GREEN--- Roberts spins around! Atomic Drop to Rees! Rees prances about in pain, and then Kyle hoists him up on his shoulders for... MOOSE JAW DRIVER! Connects! WATCH OUT KYLE! He can't cover, PATRICK BICKLE with a huracanrana attempt... Roberts sits down! He's got it --- hooking it --- THE BEAR-TAMER ON PATRICK BICKLE! BILL HEWSON: Patrick Bickle has only submitted once in his life, once in his career, and that was in the Pure Honor division when he had zero rope breaks left! But how long can he hold on in the Bear-Tamer? JACK JONES: Long enough, I hope! Somebody get in the ring already! Reach the ropes Bickle! BILL HEWSON: The Beast has Lloyd Rees... wait a minute! He's pressing him above his head ONTO THE SAD! The Beast used Lloyd as a weapon to take out the SAD! There's nobody to save Patrick Bickle... The Beast cuts off the ropes! D-X is going to win this match... Ol' Salty! JACK JONES: NEVER. Forget about the manager, Bill Hewson! BILL HEWSON: Ol' Salty just... sprayed pure alcohol into Roberts' face from that flask he always carries! Oh my God, Kyle's eyes could be in danger here, I mean, what if it was Newfie Screech? JACK JONES: Shit'll kill racoons, Hewson. Kyle drops down, and The Beast looks on with fire... wait aminute! BILL FLEMING just shoved The Beast out of the way? FLEMING TAKES DOWN OL' SALTY! FLEMING! SALTY! THE MANAGERS ARE THROWING PUNCHES AT EACH OTHER! The Beast looks on, a bemused expression on his face... and then Salty low blows Fleming! Those newfies and their low-blows. Salty stands over Fleming, pleased as punch "b'ye"... THE BEAST FROM BEHIND! He hoists Ol' Salty up! CHART ATTACK KILLS HIM DEAD! The crowd EXPLODES with a chant of "CHART CHART CHART CHART!" The Beast looks over the crowd. And ROARS. BILL HEWSON: THE BEAST has been UNLEASHED in Alaska! On the outside, SAD & Lloyd are brawling with Roberts & Rex once again. The Beast grabs Patrick Bickle, has him on his shoulders... CHART ATTACK TO THE OUTSIDE! Bickle spins like a RAG DOLL on top of the crowd! He flattens Krusty Kid Paul... but Rex, Roberts, Lloyd and Deathrow are still up! The Beast gets a look, gets a light bulb over his head... he hits the ropes! HE GOES OVER THE ROPES! NO HANDS BEAST OUTTA CONTROL PLANCHA OVER THE TOP ROPE HITS EVERYBODY DEAD! BILL HEWSON: My GOD! AGAIN! Again somebody has wiped out the whole crew from the top rope! The Beast, at two-hundred and seventy pounds, just wiped out the entire crew! What a match this is Jack Jones! What an unbelievable, chaotic brawl! JACK JONES: I'm not! Somebody's got to stop The Beast! BILL HEWSON: I thought you were D-X's biggest fans, Jones, what gives? JACK JONES: I was their fan, until they threw their lot in with this Rex Caliber loser! I've never been more disappointed in my entire life... I can't abide by their decision to rebel against Winchell's authority! Especially since they were friends with Joseph in his "Bad Boy" days. BILL HEWSON: D-X has always done their own thing, and they didn't want a freaking army to win the titles for the fourth time. Sure, they cheat, but they do it on their own terms... Bruce just rolled Thomas Deathrow into the ring! It's time to finish this, Jack Jones! CHART ATTACK 3: CHARTS STRIKE BACK! Bruce hoists Deathrow up on his shoulders... here it comes... NO! Deathrow spins out with a DDT on The Beast! JACK JONES: That's one sequel we're not going to see, Hewson. Let's see how The Beast stands up... to a little TNT! Deathrow rolls Bruce over face down and gets on top of his head... and begins THRUSTING down, bashing Bruce's head into the canvas while demeaning him. Alex Shelley calls it the Skull(BLEEP), and Thomas Deathrow? Calls it TOTAL NONSTOP TOMMY, TNT! The crowd BOOOOOOOS hugely. Deathrow kneels over Bruce's limp head, licking his lips. What's this? Deathrow gets up... standing headscissors (with thrusting!)... AND HE HITS IT. JACK JONES: Stick a fork in him, he's done. BILL HEWSON: The Deathrow Driver! The cover ONE, TWO, THR--- REX CALIBER MAKES THE SAVE! The Beast is a tough man, but NOBODY gets up from the Deathrow Driver! Rex Caliber just saved this match for his team. Rex Caliber is suddenly, absolutely, ON FIRE in the ring! But here comes Krusty Kid Paul slinking in as well, nailing Rex from behind. KKP tells Deathrow to set up, they're going to SPIKE piledrive Rex Caliber! KKP to the second turnbuckle --- Rex Caliber comes to life! Double-leg take down, he hoists Deathrow in position for the CATAPULT! INTO KKP'S CROTCHITAL AREA! Deathrow stumbles backwards --- Release German Suplex sends him flying! KKP is dazed on the top rope, Caliber goes up, TOTAL ANNIHILATION! Caliber covers ONE, TWO, TH--- The Lemondrop Kid makes the save! Lemondrop hauls Rex up, show of strength... Gorilla Press! EAST END DROP! Rex is down, but before Lloyd can make a pin... Cue Stylin' Kyle Roberts clipping Lloyd's knee! Roberts hauls Lemondrop up, in position... EMERALD FUSION! Roberts covers, this is over, ONE, TWO, TH--- BILL HEWSON: FREEFALL! FREEFALL! BICKLE! BICKLE! JACK JONES: There an echo in here? BILL HEWSON: If nobody gets up from the Deathrow Driver, nobody gets up from the Emerald Fusion either! But it was Patrick Bickle sacrificing his own body, FREEFALLING onto Roberts --- JACK JONES: But Bickle hurt himself, Hewson! He's holding onto that shoulder, he put everything he possibly could have into that Freefall! BILL HEWSON: All seven men are down! The MANAGERS are down! What in the world is going to happen next? John Sharplin begins to make a count, cos let's face it, somebody has to be standing in this match to win it. Gritting his teeth, gutting it out, is Patrick Bickle. He pulls himself up to his feet, grimacing with every inch. He rotates the right shoulder, trying to get some feeling back into it. Mr. Maps comes down to ringside at this point, yelling at Patrick to come out of the ring. Bickle ignores his trainer, as he always does, and crouches in the corner. He waits for the first man to stir, and that man is Rex Caliber. Bickle, ready to pounce, explodes out of the corner with a SPEAR --- sidestepped by Caliber! Bickle crashes directly into a rising Thomas Deathrow, both men careening wildly out of the ring! CRASH, hard on the floor. In the ring, Rex Caliber looks at a rising Stylin' Kyle Roberts. Caliber grabs KKP and scoop slams him down for Roberts, LIONSAULT --- KKP gets the knees up! The wind is knocked out of Stylin' Kyle, and Rex rushes for the STO, but KKP catches him instead with a SPINEBUSTER! Lloyd Rees is up, dazed, and he's barking orders to KKP. JACK JONES: Does Paul even know newfese? BILL HEWSON: He speaks drunk, that's for sure, but it looks like Lloyd & Paul have the same idea. Paul wants KKP to keep Kyle occupied while he takes out Rex himself! Paul scoops Kyle up. Tree of Woe time, and that means CrackRockSteady. Paul gets the cross-arm breaker and hangs off the apron, ripping Kyle's arm half out of the socket. Kyle yells in pain, but Sharplin has his attention divided. The Lemondrop Kid is putting Rex on the top, going for the Wabana Buster. The super brainbuster will end this match like it has so many others... but wait a minute! THE BEAST IS somehow back up to his feet! The Beast baseball slides into KKP, knocking him into the railing! He comes behind Lloyd and hoists him up on his shoulders! The Beast has The Provincial Champion on his shoulders, and Rex Caliber... FLIES OFF! DOOMSDAY DEVICE! Lloyd does a 450 the wrong way, landing SPLAT in the ring on his chest and face! The Beast goes up top? DIVING MOONSAULT TO THE OUTSIDE ON DEATHROW & BICKLE! The Beast caught ALL of Bickle, some of Deathrow! In the ring! Rex Caliber has Lloyd Rees up, powerbomb? NO! STYLES CLASH! He calls that the PLANETARY COLLISION! Rex gets the pin, ONE, TWO, THREE! FRANK WARBURTON: Here are YOUR winners... D-X and REX CALIBERRRRR! BILL HEWSON: This trio did it, D-Rex has won the match, Caliber just pinned the Provincial Champion! And --- dammit, Deathrow! JACK JONES: I think Deathrow low blowed The Beast on the outside! BILL HEWSON: Deathrow couldn't make the save in time after Patrick Bickle inadvertantly speared him, but now he's going to punish Rex & D-X! He's calling KKP back into the ring! KKP --- Bottle Opener on Rex Caliber! Caliber's down, and... oh no, not this! The Drunks have Kyle, he's beaten up! NO! NO! THE HANGOVER! That sick Spike DDT! Kyle is out! JACK JONES: Just think, Bill Hewson --- if SAD hit Roberts with that move next week, we'll have new tag team champions! BILL HEWSON: D-X and Rex won the match, but... the Sexy Adorable Drunks, Violence International get the last word in... Kid Paul grabs the title belts and hands one to Deathrow. The SAD hit the corners, each holding one of D-X's tag team title belts high in the air, their speedo-clad sexiness evident to the world, the carnage in the ring all due to them. Cut to commercial.
BILL HEWSON: But can it buy back self-respect? JACK JONES: Did you not hear what $20 can get you? BILL HEWSON: Thank God, we're back! And it's MAIN EVENT TIME! NAPW title on the line, in a rematch from Get The Hell Off Our Lawn! "We're tangerine rinds! We're scrapped valentines! We're crimes, crimes, crimes, crimes, crimes!" Blood Brother kicks in as the Hardcore Luchadore walks through the curtains. Static looks out over the crowd. He hears the boos... and he doesnŐt care. He walks with a purpose to the ring. FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen it is time for the Pacific Fight Night MAIN EVENT! The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the NAPW Heavyweight title! Currently making his way to the ring, hailing from Windsor, Ontario. Weighing in at one-hundred and seventy-seven pounds, he is the Hardcore Luchadore... THIS! IS! STAAAAAATIC! Massive negative response from the fans. Static goes to a neutral corner. He sits on the turnbuckle...waiting. And then the Snitches play. "RIGHT... BEFORE... MY... EYES!" The fans explode. D! bursts through the curtains, with both the NAPW title and the TEAM CoC Title around his waist. FRANK WARBURTON: And his opponent! Weighing in at two-hundred and ten pounds, hailing from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada! He is the TEAM Champion of Champions, and he is the NAPW heavyweight champion. THIS! IS! DEEEEEE!! BILL HEWSON: No love lost here, folks. Neither man wants to leave here without the title. JACK JONES: But does either man want to face the whim of the Wheel of Death? BILL HEWSON: Also, neither man is known to back down from a fight. There's the bell! The two men meet at the center of the ring. A brief staredown between the two men. They lock up, and D! uses his sleight size advantage to push Static to the ropes. Clean break from D! Static seems to appreciate this... no, he just slapped the taste out of D!'s mouth. D! gets angry at this. Static backs into the ropes as referee Dick Kiebiech holds D! back. Kiebiech warns D! to settle down as Static smirks beneath his mask. D! goes for another lockup, but Static ducks it, goes behind and hits a dropkick! D! goes to the floor. Static follows up with a dive through the ropes, and both men are down! The fans pop at the early action, and Kiebiech begins the count. BILL HEWSON: Static not playing any games, here. He knows how valuable that title is, and he'll pull out all the stops to get it! Both men slowly get to their feet. Static throws a punch. D! responds. They go back and forth, but D! starts to get the upper hand, nailing rights and lefts. Static slides into the ring, followed by D! Static attempts to drop an elbow as D! enters, but D! manages to avoid it. Static gets to his feet and is met with a kick. Then another. And another... And then that singing starts. The ROCKETTES Kick of Doom is in full swing, as the fans sing along. JACK JONES: Every beat of that insipid song reminds me why I hate D! so much. BILL HEWSON: Impartiality! Come on! You know you want to sing along! JACK JONES: Each note is like an ice pick driven into my eardrums. Make the music stop! One last kick, and Static is down! D! goes for a cover, but only gets a one count. Static slides out of the ring, frustrated at the way things are going. D! plays to the crowd, (also allowing him to catch his breath). Static rolls back into the ring just as Kiebiech reaches eight on his count. The two men lock up again. And again D!'s size makes the difference, as D! slaps on an arm wringer. D! twists Static's arm. Static yells in pain, and reaches for the ropes, but D! pulls Static back to the center of the ring. Static fights to reach the other ropes, but D! pulls Static back again. Static is swearing loudly now, as he tries for a third time. And again D! pulls Static... NO! Static uses the momentum, and with his free arm slaps a front headlock on D!... Static hits the turnbuckles and nails a Tornado DDT! And just like that the champ is down and hurt! JACK JONES: One move! That's all it takes to change the tide of a match! The champ doesn't look so cocky now! Static smells blood. He drops an elbow, then hits the ropes and comes back with a leg drop. Static runs back to the ropes and hits a back splash! Static not letting up, runs off the ropes and nails a running Senton bomb! COVER One... Two... D! gets a shoulder up! Static goes for one more move, and hits the lionsault! D! is in serious trouble here! Static goes for another cover! One... Two... Again D! kicks out! Static is wondering what it'll take to put D! away! He goes to the top turnbuckle. D! slowly drags himself to his feet... But is knocked on his ass by a missile dropkick! The force of the move knocks D! out of the ring! BILL HEWSON: Static just DROVE D! out of the ring with that vicious dropkick. But you can't win the title by count out! JACK JONES: It's all about incapacitation. D! is down, and all Static has to do is pick up the pieces and the title is his once again! You can see a sick smile on Static's kisser, even with his mask. Static rolls out of the ring, where a downed D! is trying to recover. The challenger refuses to let up, laying hard kicks to the back and neck of the champion. Static drags D! to his feet. He looks like he's going to roll him into the ring... no, Static just tossed the champ back first into the ring steps. Now Static is ready to roll D! back in. Static with the cover... One... Two! ... Three! ... NO! D! has his foot on the ropes! Static slams his fists on the mat, as it doesn't get any closer than that! JACK JONES: Damn it! Someone call Winchell, that ref is corrupt! Where's Specs when you need him? BILL HEWSON: You're right, it was a three count. BUT YOU CAN'T PIN THE MAN WHEN HIS FOOT IS ON THE ROPES! JACK JONES: (quietly muttering) Technicality... Static drags D! to center ring. He rolls D! onto his stomach, then applies a surfboard, working D!'s injured back. D! yells in pain as Static pulls on his arms, keeping the unbearable pressure steady. Kiebiech is right there to check for an "I Quit" from the NAPW champ, but D! repeatedly shakes his head "NO!". Static keeps the hold on for almost a minute, before getting annoyed. He lets D!'s arms go --- then nails a dropkick to the back of D!Ős head! The crowd starts to get anxious. Static is getting his confidence back. He picks D! up... is he going for a slam? No! FUNCRUSHER! NO! D! rolls Static up! One! Two! Static kicks out! You can see the shock even with the mask! Static nails a rising D! with a clothesline, then slaps on a body scissors with a rear naked choke for good measure. Kiebiech yells at Static to break the choke, but D! adjusts his body just enough to get Static in a pinning position! One! Two! Again Static kicks out. He's furious now! He goes for a camel clutch, but D! uses the last of his energy to power out. He lifts Static up, and backs him hard into the corner. D! is hurting... But not so badly that he canŐt see the position Static is in! D! races to the other turnbuckle, and gets a head of steam! STINGER SPLASH! Static is flattened as the fans roar! Cover! One! Two! Static kicks out! And now D! gets to look on in shock! BILL HEWSON: D! countered all of Static's moves, but didn't have enough to get the three count! Both men are getting tired. Static lands a questionable shot to D!'s lower regions. Static insists it was meant for the leg... regardless, D! is down. JACK JONES: I think Static was trying to pop D!'s kneecap back in position! BILL HEWSON: Cheat! Just say he was trying to cheat! Just like he is now! REF! BEHIND YOU! Kiebiech goes to check on the champion, and StaticÉ he's pulled THE screwdriver out of his boot! He's going to bloody D! like he did Rex Caliber... NO! D! ducks as Static lunges, then kicks the weapon out of Static's hand! And he kicks again. Dear Lord, another RocketteŐs kick of doom? Sorry, should I say D!OOM? Apparently not. Static catches D!'s leg, and goes for a Russian leg sweep... WAIT! D! blocks, both men fall to the ground, grappling with each other... D! grabs Static's leg... AND APPLIES PLEASANT CYCLING! Static is in a massive amount of pain! D! sits back, getting all the pressure he can on the leg! The fans are on their feet! They can almost smell the submission victory! Kiebiech asks Static if he wants to tap. Static is emphatically saying NO! Using all his strength, Static makes it to the ropes. BILL HEWSON: Great resiliency from the challenger! This just shows what the NAPW title means to these men. JACK JONES: Okay, now you're just using lines from "Wrestling Announcing For Beginners." BILL HEWSON: What? It fit the moment. JACK JONES: Just... watch the match. I feel sickened even talking to you right now. D! breaks the hold, but the damage is done. And D! crouches. And waits. Static is pulling himself up with the ropes. He gets to his feet. And turns around to get THE BEAT O BARRAGE! D! with a flurry of strikes as he drives Static back, ending with one HUGE heel kick! Static is crumpled on the mat! D! goes for the elementary pinfall. ONE! TWO! THREE! BILL HEWSON: ...STATIC'S FOOT IS ON THE BOTTOM ROPE! THIS MATCH IS NOT OVER! JACK JONES: Now you know how it feels, champ! D! is beside himself as he tries to figure out why the match isn't over. Kiebiech calmy explains about the foot on the ropes... Wait a minute, Joseph Winchell is running down to ringside! With another screwdriver! BILL HEWSON: The commissioner wants to make sure Static leaves Anchorage as champion! This match can't end this way! Someone... JACK JONES: Does it always get dark this early in Alaska? BILL HEWSON: Not in summertime, and we're indoors! The lights have gone out. Flashbulbs pop. The crowd murmurs in anticipation. Then the lights come back on. And the Man in Black is standing behind Winchell. The crowd pops huge. Winchell still doesn't know who's behind him. JACK JONES: Mr. Winchell! Look behind you! D! is pointing. Winchell turns to see what D! is pointing at. JACK JONES: Wait a second. Mr. Winchell! DONŐT look behind you! All Winchell sees is a fist before he hits the ground. And all he hears is a raucous crowd which loved seeing Winchell get popped! D! seemed to enjoy it himself... but he doesn't enjoy Static chop blocking his knee. Static uses the distraction to get a cheap shot in, but it worked. And now... FUNCRUSHER connects! D! is down, and Static will not take any chances. He goes to the turnbuckle. He slowly climbs the ropes, as his knee is still feeling the effects of Pleasant Cycling. He gets to the top rope. He gets his balance. And... just for the fans... yells "SUCK MY VOODOO." MOMENT! OF! CLARITY! BILL HEWSON: D! JUST KIPPED UP! WAIT A MINUTE! HE'S ON THE TOP WITH STATIC! JACK JONES: Disqualify him, Kiebiech! BILL HEWSON: We've got a fistfight on the top turnbuckle... wait a minute! D! wrapping his arms around Static's head... NYQUIL DRIVER! FROM THE TOP ROPE! Good GOD almighty, what impact that was --- the champion covers! ONE! JACK JONES: Come on, Static! BILL HEWSON: TWO! THREEEEEE! D! retains! FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your winner, and STILL NAPW Heavyweight Champion. DEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! JACK JONES: What a travesty! BILL HEWSON: And what a win for the champion... D! retains the Heavyweight title! But what awaits him next week? The fans go nuts. D! triumphantly perches on the corner turnbuckle to display HIS title to the fans... Then "Path" hits. Ravager emerges from the curtains. Kryenik follows, steps behind. RAVAGER: A great win, D!! And now you find out if that effort was really worth it. Now we find out what waits for us next week. William? Kryenik grins and spins the Wheel of Death. Round and Round it goes. The tension in the arena is excruciating. The Wheel starts to slow down. It's coming to the final spot... Click No Ropes Barbed Wire Click Flaming Tables Click "Jack Attack Jones" Genital Submission! Paaaaaaaaaause... Click FANS BRING THE WEAPONS. BILL HEWSON: Fans bring the weapons, next week! I don't know if that's exactly what Ravager was hoping for, Jack Attack! Ravager looks a bit annoyed. D! suddenly flashes a smirk, asking for a microphone. He has to shout to be heard over the roar of the fans! D!: Hey peanut, I think there's a problem with the stipulation. You don't have any fans. Bring it on! HUGE POP D! The challenger, Ravager. The champion, D!. Locking eyes. Static sits on the outside, huddled in a corner, a strange expression on his face. BILL HEWSON: Ravager vs D!, Heavyweight Title on the line, FANS BRING THE WEAPONS! It's going to be crazy when we return to Edmonton! For Jack Attack Jones, this is Bill Hewson saying GOOD NIGHT! Lights down.
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