TUESDAY. NIGHT. FIGHTS.
09/05/2006
From wikipedia.org: A cold open (also referred to as a teaser) in a television program or movie is the technique of jumping directly into a story at the beginning or opening of the show, before the title sequence or opening credits are shown. Shows which air some form of titles before jumping in to the story and then running a formal opening sequence are also considered cold opens.
Your screen fills with the grinning face of "The Lemondrop Kid", Lloyd Rees. He flashes his teeth and stares off in the distance, as if lost in some fantasy.
OL' SALTY: (Off.) Jus' DREAM of it, me b'ye, it brins all me nerves to me puddock.
ROBERT WINCHELL III: (Off.) After all of the dues that you've paid... to FINALLY get the opportunity you've been waiting for.
LLOYD REES: Lloyd Rees--HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, GARNTEED, B'YE!
The camera pans out to show Rees standing in the middle of Winchell's office, flankes on either side by the Comissioner himself or his manager, Ol' Salty. On is shoulder rests a highly-polished Provincial Championship.
ROBERT WINCHELL: That's right, it's not just a dream anymore, it's a reality! The Lemondrop Kid is a Heavyweight Contender! Why, soon, you'll be basking in the same spotlight as other luminary talents such as... Devastation! Static! Ravager!
LLOYD REES: (Chuckling.) And Rex Caliber too, I guess?
ROBERT WINCHELL: Rex Caliber was trash, and GOOD RIDDANCE. I always knew the man who got rid of him for me would make a fine Heavyweight Champion, and you just proved it for me!
OL' SALTY: Don' be clobbered bout nuttin', dere, Winchell. Once my clien' douses that girly chucklehead D!, you'll be usherin' in a BRAND new hera of exci'men', garnteed, b'ye!
LLOYD REES: Garnteed, b'ye!
ROBERT WINCHELL: Guaranteed, boy!
Awkward silence ensues as Rees and Salty give each other concerned looks. Everyone looks over to the side, however, when they hear the door open . Th camera pans over quickly to catch D!--title belts prominent--hovering in the doorway as if he was about to run in, but changed his mind.
D!: This isn't the bathroom.
He walks into the room, and then starts sniffing Salty.
D!: Hang on, maybe it is.
LLOYD REES: You'd bes' be goin' da reckly, dere, b'ye--the Commissioner's office ain't for beatin' aroun' the pat.
D!: I... okay, I'm going to disagree with you out of principle.
ROBERT WINCHELL: What do you WANT, D!?
D!: GRANDCHILDREN! To sit on my knee! But as we're a good fifty years from that, let's talk about me and Lloyd here.
ROBERT WINCHELL: What's there to talk about? Lloyd Rees is the man who'll be challenging YOU for your NAPW Title next week, when your MANDATORY title defense period is up!
LLOYD REES: Dat's right, your days of ignorin' me are over--you HAVE to face me, me b'ye! One-on-one for EVER'TIN'!
D!: Whaddya mean, "ignoring you"? You've never challenged me until now!
LLOYD REES: I been hittin' you wit' steel chairs for a while now, me b'ye, dem love taps weren' for charity!
D!: The chair shots--THAT was what that was?
LLOYD REES: Damn straight, an' your as slow as cold molasses!
D!: Why didn't you just say "I challenge D! to a match"? What's WRONG with you?
LLOYD REES: Wrong? WRONG? Ain't nuttin' WRONG wit' me, I'm da longest runnin' Provincial Champion dis outfit's ever had! I'm da former TV Champion! And I'm da only man in NAPW history t’win matches via pinfall, submission, top-rope elimination, count-out, knock-out, first blood, ladder, and a casket full of ketchup, da only man in wrestle’n t’make Rex Caliber tap, “Da East Coast Sensation”, “Da Lemondrop Kid”, da one and da only…LLOYD REES!!
D!: The only man to consistently smell like rancid tuna! The only man to sound like a constipated Rick Mercer! The only man who gets regular advice from a drunk!
OL' SALTY: If I'm drinkin', I'm not drunk.
D!: And the only man to dodge a Provincial Title match!
LLOYD REES: What're ye talkin' about, y'arse-forward slieveen?
D!: What are YOU talking about? I have NO idea what you just said!
OL' SALTY: He said shut up your prate, ya squabby--
D!: NO, NO, NO, we will NOT be doing that. The key here isn't to get a translation from the guy who can't be understood from the OTHER guy who can't be understood. Winchell--you've lived with these magnificent apes... can you tell me what they want?
ROBERT WINCHELL: What're you doing, D!, are you stalling for time?
D!: My time isn't the issue. My title's due for defense, yes, but Lloyd's title has to be up for grabs TONIGHT. Why is he exempt?
ROBERT WINCHELL: I appreciate that rules are rules, D!, but in this case we HAVE to make an exception!
D!: But that's not fair to people in the Provincial division--it's not fair to Gunderson, who's going to have to wait forever for Rees to be able to face him!
ROBERT WINCHELL: Are you looking for a EXTENSION, D!?
D!: No, I'm looking for an ANSWER. If I'M accountable, HE'S accountable. So make him defend on Action!
ROBERT WINCHELL: Well, Action! is--
LLOYD REES: BUSY! Action! is booked tighter dan a gulvin, didn't you know.
D!: Then he's got to defend NEXT Tuesday, and fight me on the same night. Rules are rules, Winchell, now let's see if you can play fair.
Silence. The camera zooms in on D!, then to Winchell, then to anxious-looking Rees and Salty.
ROBERT WINCHELL: Let's do this... only ONE of you must defend their title next week, and THAT will be determined by the winning side of yor tag match--D! and Patrick Kidd, versus Lloyd Rees and "Moose" Millar! You're ALREADY having that match, so let's make it ABOUT something! Does that sound FAIR to you, DEEEEEEE?
D!: Yeah, JOEY, it does. Looks like you're gonna have to WIN tonight, Rees!
LLOYD REES: (Stepping up to D!) Ain't no change of plans, dere, me b'ye. Get ready to get your arse scrawbed, stay where your at an I'll come to where your to.
D!: SURE! WHATEVER!
And then all four men stand in silence.
D!: The match is next, isn't it?
ROBERT WINCHELL: Yes.
D!: Righty then.
JACK JONES: EDMONTON! ALBERTA! CANADA! GET YOUR TICKETS RRRREAAAADDYYY!!! Tuesday Night Fights is big, brassy and in your face!
BILL HEWSON: Whether it's live and in person, beamed into your living rooms, or viewed on the web, we're Canada's #1 wrestling promotion, and have WE got a show for you!
JACK JONES: Yeah, but we might not get a chance to TALK about it--because our first match is happening NOW!
"All Hell For a Basement!" To a variety of jeers, the rough-skinned, broad-shouldered Mark Millar steps through the curtain, flashing a dangerous smile through his grizzled, thick BEARD.
FRANK WARBURTON: The following TAG-TEAM contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and it is to determine the TITLE MATCH for next week's TUESDAY NIGHT FIGHTS! Introducing first, now residing in ST. ALBERT, ALBERTA, weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED, SIXTY-SEVEN POUNDS... "THE MOOSE!" MARK! MIIIIILLLLAAAAR!!!
BILL HEWSON: That's Moose. Who are we?
JACK JONES: Jack "Attack" Jones!
BILL HEWSON: Bill Hewson! Folks, this isn't the only tag match tonight--we have a BLOCKBUSTER Main Event and it's for the Tag Team Titles. New & Improved D-X takes on the Royal Foundation!
JACK JONES: NOBODY'S been making more of an impact than the Foundation lately. We've been seeing them all week!
BILL HEWSON: Yeah, and they're REAL class acts. Anyways, it's a straight-forward contest, the Founation wanted things done THEIR way D-X refused! Something tells me the Royal Foundation's gonna be nursing a GRUDGE.
JACK JONES: Speaking of grudges--hang on, I'll tell you...
Moose has climbed into the ring, and now "The Fighting 59" checks if the crowd feels like a jig. They don't, so the next two people are wildly unpopular.
FRANK WARBURTON: And introducing his PARTNER, being accompanied to the ring by OL' SALTY. From BELL ISLAND, NEWFOUNDLAND, weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED, FORTY-SEVEN POUNDS, he is YOUR! PROVINCIAL! CHAMPION! The Leeeeemmmoondrop Kid, LLOYD! REEEEEEES!
JACK JONES: Speaking of grudges, it's Patrick Bickle versus Static again tonight... those two do NOT tolerate each other!
BILL HEWSON: Don't forget the SUPERSTAR, Tommy Deathrow! He's making it a Triple-Threat, and under SUPERSTAR RULES, anything goes!
JACK JONES: F*NAPW Champion Devastation faces the debuting King Koji--NON-TITLE, everyone should know...
BILL HEWSON: Yeah, BIG surprise there. And ANOTHER debut as Brad Rush faces North T. Gunderson!
Rees lets Moose and Salty open the ropes for him, and he struts into the ring with a cocky smirk, holding the Provincial Title aloft. The crowd doesn't like what they see--BOY HITS CAR! The crowd turns appreciative again as Patrick Kidd sprints through the curtain, high-fiving the fans as he maintains a stare on Moose in the ring.
FRANK WARBURTON: And now, introducing their OPPONENTS! From PATTERSON, NEW JERSEY, weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED, FORTY-EIGHT POUNDS... the Spirit of OPW, PATRICK! KIDD!!!
BILL HEWSON: The Championship battle won't be the ONLY war wage in this ring right now--what's the story with Moose and Kidd?
JACK JONES: You said it yourself last week, Hewson, Moose wound up shoving his friend's death in his face last week--but I'm gonna guess that was inadvertant. Everybody knows that Moose is a class act these days!
BILL HEWSON: Moose is a drunk and a BULLY these days--and his non-stop picking on Kidd and Carter Owens has GOT to stop!
Kidd stands at ringside, waging a white-hot staring contest with Moose while Rees and Salty dare him to get into the ring.
"RIIIIGHT... BEFORE! YOUR! EYES!"
FRANK WARBURTON: And his PARTNER, from EDMONTON! ALBERTA! CANADA! Weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED, TEN POUNDS, the NAPW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION and TEAM CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS... DEEEEEEEEEE!
D! runs straight to the ring, and Kidd joins him as they pass. Both of the crowd favourites slide directly into the ring as the Rees, Moose and Salty try to wear them down with fists and feet. Kidd and D! don't stay down, though, and start bringing it to the with strikes of their own!
BILL HEWSON: What a mess! Referee Morgan Smythe is trying to enforce some ORDER here... like trying to determine who's the legal man!
D! and Kidd brought their WORKING boots tonight, and force Rees and Moose back into the neutral turnbuckles. Then, Kidd holds his hand out, D! grabs it--and a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE sends Ol' Salty crashing to the outside! Kidd seems to be the one directing traffic here--he says something to D!, and he nods in return. Both men go to their opponents in the corners--and WHIP THEM OUT! COLLISION in the centre of the ring Rees and Moose are made to crash into each other--but d! and Kidd aren't far behind--DROPKICKS! To theri opponent's backs, knocking them down! D! stands Rees up, runs him over to the ropes, and BALES him out, right on top of Salty! He gives Kidd the "thumbs-up" and it's ON! RING THE BELL!
BILL HEWSON: Patrick Kidd starting with Moose here, and he looks like he wants a measure of revenge for last week! Of course, Winchell's stipulation still takes place if either Moose or Kidd score the victory--their partners would STILL be affected next week!
JACK JONES: So it's definately in D!'s best interests to let Kidd do his dirty work, in other words... Kidd going for a Sitting Double Chickenwing on the downed Moose, if he pulls that off, that's a good way of softening the big man up!
But Moose makes his second wind early as he keeps his MASSIVE arms rigid and powers out of the attempt. Back on his feet, a big ol' headbutt stuns Kidd momentarily--Irish Whip of Kidd into the ropes, Kidd bounds, and Moose is looking for the back body drop--eats Swinging Neckbreaker instead! Kidd the big man with a Seated Senton, nonchalant cover--ONE! SHOULDER UP! "Moose" Millar breaks himself out of the pin, furious. Lloyd Rees, by now, has found his corner, and in the opposite one, D! is stomping his Harley Davidson boots drumming up crowd support for Kidd. Moose puls HIMSELF into the ropes and buys himself a break from Kidd's assault. Afr atching his breath, he eets Kidd in the centre of the ring, and levers a kick into Kidd's gut. Kidd doubles over--Moose drops a elbow into Kidd's back, sending him to the canvas. Roaring like a deranged animal, Moose starts laying in with big, BIG boot shots to Kidd's back. Both D! and Rees are anxious for the tag, for different reasons--but Rees is the one brought in by Moose. Smirking at D!, Rees wraps Kidd's shin around his and falls BACK, pulling the knee. Kidd clutches his fists out of pain, bu rees never notices him--he stads back up and does the same thing again.
JACK JONES: Ha! Look at the look on D!'s face... he's watching his future go down the toilet along wth Patrick Kidd!
Rees wants to go to the well a third time, but now Kidd's forcing himself onto his back, twisting his leg out of Rees' hold. Rees reacts, balls up his fist, and goes to Fist Drop Kidd--
BILL HEWSON: MONKEY FLIP! Patrick Kidd just countered Rees with the MONKEY FLIP!
And so, Rees goes hurtling across the ring. Kidd KIPS UP--and holds steady, proving that his knee can hold out for now. Kidd walks over to a dazed Rees, but then stops, smiles, and points at D! The crowd cheers! He points at his partner again, and the crowd cheers LOUDER! So Kidd strides over and tags in D!--CROWD GO BANANA--and D! sprints over to Lloyd Rees! LLOYD REES TAGS IN MOOSE! Moose rushes D!--AND GETS A ROUNDHOUSE PUNCH! Moose flops, D! runs BACK and tags in an appreciative Patrick Kidd--Kidd goes to pick up Moose--LOW BLOWED! But Smythe didn't see it! what's Moose going to do? CLOTHESLINE KIDD OUT OF HIS BOOTS! And now he tags in Lloyd Rees! Rees goes for Kidd--KIDD DROP TOE-HOLDS REES! WERE DID HE FIND THE STRENGTH? Kidd shoots up, lunges at D!--TAG IS MADE! And D! rushes Rees--COUNTERED BY AN ARM-DRAG! D! is thrown into the opposite corner--AND TAGS IN MOOSE! WAIT! THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! Moose rams his fist in D!'s face for his trouble, and sends the One-Letter Superstar staggering back into an awaiting Lemondrop Kid--DDT FROM THE GREEN! D!'s head bounces off of the mat--
JACK JONES: THIS COULD BE IT!
Cover!
ONE!
TWO!
KICK-OUT!
JACK JONES: No! That should have knocked him out!
BILL HEWSON: the NAPW Champion may be flighty at times, but he's not made of glass. But Rees is getting up while D! isn't... and that COULD bring the match to a conclusion soon!
JACK JONES: Like right now--THE CONCEPTION BAY CHINLOCK!
No mere rest hold, Rees slips D! into a Dragon Sleeper and grapevines! It's the centre of the ring, and D!'s got nowhere to go--he's definately ALIVE, however, as he growls and flails his arms in an attempt not to pass out.
BILL HEWSON: If he's gonna grab the ropes, he's going to need to flip both him and Rees around--but he seems stuck! Rees has the Chinlock in TIGHT!
JACK JONES: Ha! He's turnin' purple--if he can make D! tap out here, he'd be the next Heavyweight Champion for sure!
Smythe asks D! if he'd like to submit, an D! keeps barking "No!" at her. The crowd keeps chanting "D! D! D!" in support of their hero--but his eyes start to glaze over, and his fists start to soften--KIDD! KIDD'S JUST KICKED REES' HANDS FREE! AND THE HOLD IS BROKEN!
JACK JONES: DQ! DQ that man!
BILL HEWSON: There's always a little bit of leeway for partner assistance in tag matches, Jones, and that's why Smythe's simply issuing a warning!
JACK JONES: BAH! I've ALWAYS hated tag matches!
Rees is up, looking like he wants to tear Kidd's had off--and Moose runs in on the confusion to help! Rees clutches Kidd while the big man rains down hammer fists on him--and Rees is pulled back! D!'s snuck up on him with a schoolboy!
ONE!
TWO!
KICK-OUT!
Rees bolts out of that pinning predicament lik a human spring. D!, looking only slightly-recovered, finds his feet--while Moose and Kidd go toe-to-toe! Rees goes for a clothesline--D! hits the Matrix Dodge! Rees turns arond and eats a D! boot to the gut!
BILL HEWSON: AND ANOTHER ONE! IT'S THE ROCKETTES KICK OF DOOM!
JACK JONES: And all of that annoying singing from the fans!
Patrick Kidd winds up and European Uppercuts Moose for all i's worth--and the big man stumbles backwards into the ropes! While D!'s "leading the dance", Kidd runs off of the opposite ropes, and barels back towards Moose--CACTUS CLOTHESLINE! MOOSE! KIDD! BOTH TUMBLE TO THE OUTSIDE--AND THAT LEAVES D! AND REES IN THE RING! D! whips his rival HARD into a corner turnbuckle... steps back, calls to the crowd--
BILL HEWSON: One order of Stinger Splash, served EXTRA HITTY!
--and CHARGES! STINGR SPL--DUCKED!!! Lloyd Rees Ducked the charge, and D! smashes sternum-first into the turnbuckle! D!'s stunned--SUNSET FLIP! REES TAKS THE COVER!
ONE!
BILL HEWSON: HE'S GOT FEET ON THE ROPES!
TWO!
BILL HEWSON: HE'S PULLING THE JEANS!
THREE!
BILL HEWSON: DAMN IT!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here are YOUR WINNERS... LLOYD REES and MARK! MILLAR!
Rees bails DA RECKLY out of the ring as Salty meets him at ringside to raise his hand. At ringside, Kidd and Moose are still holding their own in a brawl.
BILL HEWSON: What a CHEAP win from The Lemondrop Kid... but it looks like Rees WON'T be defending his Provnicial Title for ANOTHER week, and D! and Rees will go at it intead!
JACK JONES: That's hardly a BAD thing, Hewson! Now look at Rees--he's got his Provincial Title belt!
And uses it to waffle an unsusecting Kidd from behind--stunned, he's helpless as Moose picks up the pieces--ROUGHNECK! Moose slams Patrick Kidd down to the ringside concrete! But now D! baseball slides Rees into Moose--and he's jumping on Rees! He's LIVID, trying to tear him apart with his fists!
JACK JONES: And security should arrive... nnnnnnnnnNOW.
BILL HEWSON: How do you do that?
JACK JONES: Veteran wrestlers have a hird brain when it comes to these things. We're cutting to commercial, folks, hopefully order gets restored by then. But when you come back, will new NAPW talent Brad Rush upset North T. Gunderson? Find out... NEXT.
JACK JONES: ... and there were just so, so many spiders.
BILL HEWSON: Look, I just don't want you to think that's a typical Tim Horton's experience.
JACK JONES: I don't care, I am NEVER going back. Welcome back to Tuesday Night Fights! I don't know about you, but I am loving--LOVING the fact that "The Lemondrop Kid" Lloyd Rees got the one-two-three on our CURRENT Heavyweight Champion, D!
BILL HEWSON: Too bad he only needed the ropes to do it--
JACK JONES: GET A LIFE! That was a little something extra... for the fans! He's a People's Champion!
BILL HEWSON: So it's official . . . D! must defend the NAPW Title against Lloyd Rees NEXT WEEK, and it's Rees with all the momentum! But let's now have good look at one of NAPW's latest talents, Brad Rush!
KERRANG! Stone Sour blasts the ears of the Edmoton faithful... but the first person through the curtain is the lovely Briana Star! She smiles at the crowd, motions towards the curtain, and then whips it back to reveal the wiry-looking Brad Rush!
FRANK WARBURTON: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL. Introducing first, being accompanied by BRIANA STAR, from DETROIT, MICHIGAN... weighing in at ONE-HUNDRED, FIFTY POUNDS, BRAAAAD RUUUUUSH!
JACK JONES: Hello! He's not very big, is he? I actually think his valet's got an inch or two on him!
BILL HEWSON: Brad Rush has done quite impressively by our talent scouts... the man can MOVE, Jones. So what if he's not another Devastation or Krenshov?
JACK JONES: Meh... his finishing move better involve EATING something.
BILL HEWSON: Will you STOP?
Briana Star slinks up to the ring apron and opens the ropes for her client. Rush wastes little time getting into the ring and inspecting the ropes...
"UP! UP WITH PEOPLE!"
The crowd might not know who Brad Rush is, but they DO recognize North T. Gunderson's music, and give a little pop... moreso when he steps through the curtain with the curvaceous Tex on his arm!
JACK JONES: Puppies! Look, Hewson, puppies!
BILL HEWSON: I know--look at that one, it's HUGE!
Try as she might, the old woman trying to offer her newborn dog litter to NAPW wrestlers is unsuccessful one more time--but the wrestlers can't even see her! She should get a better seat next time.
FRANK WARBURTON: Aaaaand his OPPONENT, being accompanied to the ring by TEX, from DENVER, COLORADO... weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED POUNDS, NORTH! T! GUUUUUNDESOOOON!
BILL HEWSON: Last time we saw Gunderson, he lost two straight title matches on the same night! Gunderson needs to get his winning ways back, and pronto! That's what THIS match means to him.
JACK JONES: Last time we saw Gunderson, he was being savagely beaten in the head by a midget! Why don't you bring THAT up?
BILL HEWSON: ... 'cause I don't understand. Gundrson, currently ranked the #1 contender for the Provincial Tile, will NOT be getting a shot this week or next, especially after the results of that last match. In the meantime, he's just going to keep doing what he does best--STAY POSITIVE.
THAT'S THE BELL! Gunderson and Rush circling each other here, sizing each other up, waiting to see who'll make the first move... a massive "TEX!" chant slowly starts filling Polish hall, to her delight.She cocks her hip to the crowd and points to her client. Gunderson is genuinely thrilled, and points back at his friend, encouraging for the crowd to cheer--and that's when Brad Rush STRIKES! A sledge-like KICK to Gunderson's knee while he was distracted, and Gunderson topples against the ropes.
JACK JONES: Ha! I guess I DO like this kid... he's got the STUFF! That's why you NEVER turn your back on your opponent!
The crowd's got their own opinion, and starts booing Rush voraciously. Brad Rush closes up on Gunderson, and starts pummeling him while he's leaning on the ropes. The ref instructs Rush off of him in ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FI--! Rush steps back, hands in the air, giving the crowd a Tom Cruise smile. The audience hates im more, and then he points to his valet at ringside, trying to get them to chant "STAR!" Those who aren't booing louder, do, in fact, chant "STAR... SUCKS!" Rush and Star could NOT be more offended, and while she starts bitching out the audience, Rush sets his sights back on Gunderson. Gunderson tries to recuperate with a clothesline--Rush nimbly ducks that, both men turn around, Rush pastes Gunderson in the kisser with a nice dropkick. Fist drop into Gunderson's chest. This causes Gunderson to roll over on his side, and Rush reacts by scooting over to his ankle, raising it, and then delivring a stiff kick into North's thigh. And then a SECOND. Nether of these impacts seem to sit well with Gunderson.
BILL HEWSON: There's been much ado over "Giant-Killing" in the NAPW this past week... and while I don't like his methods, Rush is doing just THAT. Gunderson, a Cruiserweight, is actually BIGGER than Rush is, so Rush is taking steps to ensure that Gunderson can't rely on his vertical base and hit him with some of his more DAMAGING moves!
Rush chains it into an Elbow Drop to Gunderson's knee, and grips the calf, torquing the leg back... Gunderson refuses to go quietly, however, and starts pelting Rush's head with fists until he breaks the hold. Our referee sternly warns Gunderson against closed fists, and Gunderson apologizes as he picks himself up. Then it's Brad Rush Headscissors out of NOWHERE--no, no, Gunderson's NOT going for the ride! He's caught Rush by the seat, and tosses him up, over his head in an Alley-Oop! Rush lands on his feet like a cat, turns around--SUPERKICK! North T. Gunderson Superkicks Brad Rush like a bullet and then collapses to his knees, favouring his worked knee. The crowd's liking what they see again, North goes for the cover--ONE! TWO! KICK-OUT! Brad Rush isn't going anywhere, but the fans cheer nonetheless.
Gunderson hauls Rush up, it's an Irish Whip into the corner turnbuckle. Gunderson's turnbuckle clothesline gets him spilling out again, and now free to climb that turnbuckle, Gunderson sits, poised, waiting--Rush turns around, FLYING CLOTHESLINE! That impact nearly turns Rush inside out, he left his feet and nearly landed on his head! Rush finally comes to rest somewhere in the centre of the ring, straining to sit up out of reflex. Gunderson backs up to the corner, gives his trademark roar--
GUNDERSON: Yaaaay!
--and TRIPPED UP BY BRIANA STAR! That witch just seized Gunderson's ankle from across the apron--Gunderson thought he'd be running but instead comes down on his injured knee! The crowd's instantly hatin' on Star, who blinks and flashes an incredulous "Who, me?" look--AND TEX TACKLES HER TO THE GROUND! Gunderson's valet has seen enough--and now it's personal! Tex covers Star and starts slapping her silly!
JACK JONES: CATFIGHT! CAAAATFIGHT!
BILL HEWSON: THE LITTLE ONE'S USING CLAWS!
But then security comes and picks up the two stray tabbies that started tussling by the timekeeper's table. Who brought them here? The old lady. Meanwhile, Tex and Star roll around, grunting and trying to choke each other. And in the ring--Rush has gotten himself together and is now hovering above the twisted form of Gunderson--a kick to the ribs makes Gunderson cover up, propping himself up on arms and knees--Rush mounts to the top of the turnbuckle and hops--MUSHROOM STOMP! Gunderson driven back to the mat with sickening violence--Rush pulls him back from the ropes, COVER!
ONE!
TWO!
KICK-OUT!
Rush can't BELIEVE the bad officiating--he knows three when it happens! Giving the official a dirty glare, Rush hauls a woozy Gunderson up again, and picks him up for a savage BRAINBUSTE--HOLD THE PHONE! Gunderson wriggles, slips out behind Rush, lands on his feet--grabs the head! Runs to the corner! It's not a Bulldog, it's... SLICED BREAD #2!
BILL HEWSON: But that's just the set-up... MOONSAULT FROM THE TOP ROPE! It's "POSITIVE DEFEAT", Jones, here's the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here is your WINNER... NORTH! T! GUUUUUUNDERSON!
Gunderson is overjoyed, and rises to his feet to THANK THE CROWD. Tex, her hair completely frazzled but otherwise fine, slides into the ring to raise his arm. Briana Star, staring death at Tex' back, rolls her client out of the ring and gets him walking out and away to the back. Rush' face is hard to decipher, but one thing he is not is HAPPY-looking.
Still, you don't have to feel very bad for Brad Rush.
On his way to the back, an old woman gives him a free puppy.
BILL HEWSON: I don't believe I have a need for calf implants.
JACK JONES: You think you're better than Buff Bagwell?
BILL HEWSON: I don't believe I'm better than anyone else... except him. Anyway, the match coming up next is very personal. The feud between Static and Patrick Bickle is hot. Static with the use of the chair last week has unleashed the beast in Bickle.
JACK JONES: But this feud needed a touch of the Superstar. Tommy Deathrow enters this match and brings his Superstar Rules.
FRANK WARBURTON: The next match is scheduled for one fall, and will be contested under SUPERSTAR RULES!! In the ring at this time, from St. Paul, Minnesota, weighing in at two hundred fifty-four pounds: THE SUPERSTARRRRR!!! TOMMY DEATHROOOOOWW!!!
Tangerine Rinds, Scrapped Valentines, CRIMES CRIMES CRIMES... and out comes The Hardcore Luchadore. He receives a standing boo fest, that only he can get. He walks down the aisle and...
BAM!!!!
BILL HEWSON: Bickle has just nailed Static in the back with a chair. Dick Kiebiech is the referee, and calls for the bell. Bickle has been waiting for this day for a week.
JACK JONES: Tommy Deathrow is getting some popcorn from a not to happy fan, and watches Bickle lay into Static.
Static is down and Bickle is wailing fist after fist. Mr. Maps comes running out. He stays away from the action and heads to ringside area. Tommy finishes his popcorn and needs some action. He heads over to where Bickle and Static are. Bickle gets nailed in the back of the head. Tommy grabs him and suplexes him on the floor. He gloats as Bickle rolls around in pain. Static takes the opportunity and nails Tommy from behind in the balls. Static is favoring his back, and grabs up the chair Bickle had. He goes to nail Bickle and gets a boot in the stomach. He drops the chair, and retreats back. Bickle gets up and Static runs at Bickle, ENZIGURI. Bickle is down and the crowd boos. Static makes his way to the ring. Tommy is up and goes after him. Tommy clotheslines Static from behind. He looks under the ring and finds...
BILL HEWSON: He has a table. He is setting it up on the outside of the ring. This match is going to escalate really fast.
Static gets in the ring and Tommy is after him. Mr. Maps is trying to help Bickle up. Tommy and Static are exchanging fists. Static gets downed by a flush right hand. Static rolls under the ropes in front of the table. He gets up and Tommy hits him, Static hangs on. He takes another punch, and hangs on. Then CRASH!!! THE CROWD EXPLODES.
JACK JONES: OH MY GOD!!
BILL HEWSON: Bickle ran, jumped over the table and in a single swoop, Reverse DDT'd Static through the table. Bickle is hurt, Static is hurt, Tommy is standing tall.
The crowd is buzzing and Tommy is going to try to end it. He puts Bickle in the ring. He covers.
ONE
TWO
THR- Tommy can't believe it. Bickle gets a shoulder up. Tommy gets back out of the ring. He puts Static in.
ONE
TWO
THR- Static gets his shoulder up. Tommy goes back outside the ring. He is looking for a weapon. He finds one... a 10 foot chain.
JACK JONES: What is going through his sexy mind?
BILL HEWSON: Now his mind is sexy? You need help.
Bickle is trying to get up and Static is still down. Tommy gets in the ring and goes after Bickle. Bickle fights him off. Tommy finally gets the advantage with a boot to the stomach, and then DDT's Bickle. He wraps the chain around the neck of Bickle. Tommy then hip tosses Patrick over the top rope.
BILL HEWSON: He can't do this...
JACK JONES: Yes he can. It's HIS. RULES.
Tommy is standing on the second rope, Bickle is getting hung. Dick Kiebiech doesn't know what to do. Static is up and just watching. He goes to the outside and begins his assault on the helpless Bickle. He is laying into him. Static goes looking for something. Tommy wants more leverage and goes to the top rope. Static comes with a chair, and Bickle desperately jerks on the chain and Tommy flies. Static throws the chair at Tommy which nails him right in the head.
BILL HEWSON: That looked like a great tandem move, but it couldn't be more the opposite. Tommy took a chair to the head, thrown at him by Static. Bickle looks half dead and now Static, minutes after eating the table, is the only man up.
JACK JONES: Tommy tried to kill Bickle and Static tried to kill both of them.
Static puts Bickle in the ring. The cover.
ONE
TWO
THR- Bickle kicks out. Static looks pissed. He looks down at Tommy, who is busted open. Static goes out puts Tommy in. He covers.
ONE
TWO
THR- Static is shocked. Tommy kicks out and the match continues.
BILL HEWSON: This is a violent free for all and Static doesn't know what to do.
Static picks up Bickle and FUNCRUSHER! The cover.
ONE
Not even a two count. Tommy knocks Static off. Static nails Tommy and goes for his boot. Static pulls out...
JACK JONES: SCREWY!!
Static has it and Tommy grabs Static's hand. He stops him. He head butts Static. Static drops Screwy. Bickle is still down. Tommy goes to his boot and pulls out a super long drill bit.
BILL HEWSON: We need to get Home Depot and Lowes to buy some ad time.
Tommy grabs Static's head and then licks the mask of Static. He drives the bit into the covered forehead of Static. He is carving a hole in the mask. Blood is soaking through the mask. Bickle is finally up and kicks Tommy in the back. He does it again. The sound echos through the arena. Bickle with a flying head scissors on Tommy that sends Tommy to the outside. Bickle looks at the bleeding Static. He sees Static try to stand and he turns around to: SPEAR!! Bickle is going to get the win. The cover--
ONE
TWO
Krusty Kid Paul with a chair for the save. He came out of nowhere, and ran a sprint like the liquor store was closing in two minutes. He picks up Bickle. But Bickle fights him off. Outside the ring, Tommy is setting up a table. Paul tries to pick up Bickle, but Bickle drop kicks him into the ropes. Bickle picks KKP up for a suplex but drops him on the other side of the ropes. He is setting him up for something then Mr.Maps yells "Move." Bickle listens. Static nails KKP and he goes through the table. The crowd goes crazy. Tommy does too. He cusses because he wanted to put someone through that table. He gets mad and nails Mr. Maps. Dominator on Maps, and that leads too: TNT!! TNT on the out cold Maps. Back in the ring Bickle goes for a Swinging Neckbreaker but Static hangs on to the ropes near him. Bickle lands hard on the mat. Tommy finishes TNT with maps and gets another table. He slides in the ring. Bickle tastes a Tornado DDT from Static. Tommy is setting up the table. Tommy gets the chair that KKP left. He nails Static. Static is placed on the table. Tommy goes up top.
BILL HEWSON: This isn't The Superstars territory. He doesn't do much from the top.
Tommy is up top and Bickle gets up and falls into the ropes. Bickle jumps on the second rope, and bounces up to nail a top rope Frankensteiner that sends Tommy onto Static. The table explodes.
JACK JONES: Tommy ends up near the ropes. Bickle covers Tommy.
ONE
TWO
THR- Tommy with a foot on the rope. He looks at Static instead--he knows what has happened in the match earlier, and he takes no chances. He goes up top and FREEFALL!
The cover.
ONE
TWO
THREE!!!
FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of the match... PATRICK BIIICKKLLE!!!
BILL HEWSON: That performance was awesome. Bickle got nearly killed by Tommy hanging him. Took some of Static's best moves and still won. He is evolving into a main event guy.
JACK JONES: The fact remains, that Tommy Deathrow didn't lose this match... He wasn't pinned. But he didn't win it either. He got to use his Drill Bit, which he calls Nine inches of Death. He nearly killed Bickle as you said, and carved up Static bad.
BILL HEWSON: Static got what he deserved. But even with the loss, he still put up a hell of a fight. Love him or like most people, hate him... You just know that he is going to bring the fight, every night.
JACK JONES: Now stay tuned, it's F*NAPW time, right after these messages!
Backstage, the Food Services table is getting a thorough beating from a red-hot Tommy Deathrow.
DEATHROW: I shoulda (BLEEP) won that (BLEEP)! What a load of (BLEEP)!
Krusty Kid Paul, hanging behind him, takes a nail from his pocket and punctures a can of Mountain Dew. He holds the can up and lets the golden soda spray him in the face.
KRUSTY KID PAUL: (BLEEP) that's the stuff, all tight like a (BLEEP)in' little girl...
DEATHROW: MY (BLEEP) rules, MY (BLEEP) match, I am the SUPERSTAR! (BLEEP) that soft, weak Static, double-(BLEEP) that tool Bickle! Now I gotta wait another (BLEEP)in' month to get a match, betcha my left (BLEEP).
Deathrow picks up the coffee maker and spikes it down on the table, punching right through it and spaying coffee everywhere.
DEATHROW: That's (BLEEP)in' it, Krusty, we don't get NO respect around here--from now on, we just (BLEEP) everyone up like Natural Born Killers!
KIDD: (Off.) HEY!
The camera swings over to find a stern-looking Patrick Kidd walking up to them, clutching a cold bag to the back of his head.
KIDD: Look at this! Look at the two of you! Is this because you lost a match?
DEATHROW: Go (BLEEP) yourself, Streak Boy! Stay outta my business!
KIDD: No, you know what? You go around backstage, wreck stuff, make a mess, all because you didn't win a match? That's (BLEEP)in' disgraceful.
KRUSTY KID PAUL: Didn't see YOU pull a win or anything out of your taut, shapely (BLEEP).
KIDD: Yeah, that's right--I DIDN'T win. But I've got enough self-respect to keep my dignity. Goddamn STOP your bitching, maybe clean this mess up, and if not, leave the building.
DEATHROW: The (BLEEP) are you, Kidd?
Kidd steps up to Deathrow.
KIDD: NAPW's my home now, and you don't get to trash my home. Got it?
DEATHROW: My (BLEEP)in' house, my (BLEEP)in' rules. Hit the (BLEEP)in' bricks!
KIDD: You want a PROBLEM, Tommy?
Tommy responds by pimp-slapping Kidd across the face HARD. Stunned, Kidd quickly somes to his senses, but doesn't take any further action against STD.
DEATHROW: That's right ya little whore it's SUPERSTAR'S world. Don't ever (BLEEP)n' forget it.
Deathrow smiles crookedly at him and walks away. KKP takes his place, chucks his empty can at Kidd's feet, shoots him the bird, and then scampers off after Deathrow. The camera then zooms in slowly on Kidd's face, s he rubs the spot where Tommy slapped him, and furrows his brow.
Meanwhile, back at ringside...
JACK JONES: The doctor didn't know what it was, but it was the last time I ate from that particular hot dog vendor.
BILL HEWSON: Didn't the fact they were located in an ally tip you off? Nevermind, don't answer that. Up next is a battle of that is full of Japanese flare and should be an excellent match.
JACK JONES: King Koji makes his debut and Devastation tries to get back on the right track. King Koji brings in his Strong Style, and Devastation brings his power game, with a bit of Japanese background himself.
Harvey Garcia Buffer walks out and gets in the ring. Specs follows.
BILL HEWSON: I really hate those guys.
King Koji walks out next to some upbeat Japanese music. The crowd is buzzing, everyone is just watching him. Mr. Hawkins is with him. Koji is wearing a sleeveless ring robe and gets in the ring with a mean expression on his face.
HARVEY GARCIA BUFFER: The next contest will be the match of the night. The show stealer, and the bar raiser of professional wrestling. Introducing the debuting Japanese Superstar, from Fujikama, Japan. He stands in at an impressive Six foot Six inches and weighs in at Two hundred Fifty-Five pounds, KING... KOJJJJJIIIII!!!!
THE ROOF, THE ROOF, THE ROOF IS ON FIRE. WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN LET THE MOTHER(BLEEP)ER BURN.
Longshot leads in the self-proclaimed F*NAPW Heavyweight Champion of the freaking Galaxy, minus Pluto. Devastation walks into a loud ovation of the disgusted kind. Not a man, woman or child likes this man, and he couldn't give a damn. He enters the ring and goes to the opposing corner.
HARVEY GARCIA BUFFER: His opponent is the most loved man in F*NAPW today, and the current undisputed, record holding, F*NAPW Heavyweight Champion of the WOOORRRRLLDD!!!! He weighs in at a slim and trim Three hundred Seven pounds, and is fighting out of the Wrestling Capital of the World: Boston, Massachusetts. He is standing the ever so awe inspiring Six foot Eight inches tall. He is the Hybrid Icon! He is the Vicious Phenom! He is the Alpha AND THE OMEGA! - this IS DEEEEVVVVVAAASTAAAAATIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOON!
BILL HEWSON: I really hate them guys. I can't overstate that. What is wrong with Frank?
JACK JONES: Simply put he isn't the caliber of one Mr. Buffer.
Specs calls for the bell. Devastation and Koji go nose to mouth, as there is a two inch height difference. The over fifty pound weight difference is also something that both men are aware of. Devastation starts the match with a very hard open palm slap that totally disrespects King.
DEVASTATION: Welcome to my World, BITCH!
King smiles and slaps the taste out of Devastations mouth. It's on ladies and gentleman. Koji throws Devastation into the ropes and on the rebound, Devastation eats a Roaring Elbow. Devastation goes down. Koji tries to hit Devastation with a Mafia Style boot to Devastation's face. Koji gets caught and is tripped. Devastation quickly gets on top of Koji and locks on a reverse chin lock.
JACK JONES: He is leaning his weight onto Koji. Koji will expend a good bit of energy trying to get this hold broke.
BILL HEWSON: A simple hold that doesn't look impressive. But with a man the size of Devastation, getting him off of you, will be a tough task.
Mr. Hawkins is yelling instructions. So is Longshot. Specs is looking for any sign of quit in Koji. He finds none. Koji tries to get up. The crowd isn't giving him much encouragement, but Devastation is getting a nice "Dev Sucks" chant. Koji gets to his feet and elbows Devastation off of him. Koji into the ropes and goes for a clothesline, that is quickly blocked and results in a STO from Devastation.
BILL HEWSON: He learned something from Rex Caliber is seems. Rex has done that to him many times.
JACK JONES: Rex who?
Devastation goes for the pin.
ONE
TWO
Kick out right at two. Koji receives a big elbow drop from Devastation. Devastation is up and goes for another, but it misses. Devastation is holding his elbow. Koji gets on top of Devastation who quickly turns to his stomach. Koji doesn't mind and is cross facing the hell out of Devastation. He gets about four good shots in, with around three semi blocked ones to boot. Devastation gets in the ropes. Koji hits him again and Specs tells him to get off of him. Specs counts One, Two, Koji is off. He lets Devastation get up. He charges in but gets backdropped over the top rope, to the outside. Koji hits hard. Mr. Hawkins is checking on him. Specs begins his count.
ONE- Devastation is trying to get his breath.
TWO- Koji is still down.
THREE- He is stirring slightly.
FOUR- Devastation goes and sits on the top turnbuckle.
FIVE- He looks at his wrist, pretending there's a watch there.
SIX- Koji is on his feet.
SEVEN- He gets in the ring. Devastation hops down. Koji is on one knee, holding his back. Devastation comes over but is quickly caught into a Fujiwara armbar. Devastation uses is very keen ring presence to find the ropes. Koji breaks the hold at the count of four. Koji is targeting him. He tries to lock on the Koji Clutch. Devastation grabs the legs of Koji and rams him backward into the corner. Koji drops down. Devastation begins to choke Koji in the corner. Specs begins a very slow five count. Devastation breaks at four which in real time was like fifteen. Devastation picks up Koji and hits Rapid Fire, his three consecutive short arm clotheslines. But he used his hurt arm and is favoring it even more now. Koji is breathing heavy. Devastation tries to pick up Koji, but gets three powerful chops to his stomach. Koji sends Devastation to the corner. Koji kicks the thighs of Devastation, over and over.
BILL HEWSON: Koji must have just got his second wind, he is just coming off with kick after kick.
Devastation can't stop them. He then receives a big back chop, then another, then a third. The chest of Devastation is getting red. Another. Devastation is trying to cover up and then receives and open palm to the head. Devastation tries to cover that up and gets another chest chop. Devastation sinks down and exits the ring. Koji pops his neck, sort of like Benoit does, and does the hand gesture for "Bring it". Koji allows Devastation to get back in the ring. Koji and Devastation lock up. Devastation goes for a DDT but it's blocked and somehow Koji gets the big man over for a horrific Northern light suplex. Koji covers.
ONE
TWO
Devastation is up at two and a half. The count was a little slow. Koji tries to apply the Cross arm breaker to Devastation but Devastation locks his hands together. Koji gives up and gets on his feet. Devastation gets up and BURNING LARIAT HITS!!!
BILL HEWSON: He covers, but Longshot has Specs" attention. Mr Hawkins comes over and him and Longshot get into it. They are verbally abusing one another.
Koji goes for another huge lariat but Devastation ducks. Koji turns around to meet a boot to the face. He staggers and Devastation has Koji up for the Burning Hammer. But half way up Devastation's arm gives. Koji rolls off. Devastation, meet boot to the stomach. Then meet his pal POWERBOMB--all three-hundred pounds of Devastation! He sits out with it. The cover.
ONE..
TWO...
TWO AND HALF... DAMN, SPECS IS SLOW!!
THREE!!!!
Frank Warburton steals the mic from Buffer.
FRANK WARBURTON: The winner of the match... KINNNNNNGGGG KOOOJJJJIIII!!!!!
BILL HEWSON: Right on Frank... Congrats go out to Koji for winning his first big match. I can't believe the strength of this man, powerbombing the Three hundred pounder.
JACK JONES: King Koji came in here, and cleanly defeated the most dominant F*NAPW Champ ever.
JACK JONES: I'm not LISTENING, la la la! I can't HEAR you! DUM dum dum DUM!
BILL HEWSON: Memories... welcome back to Tuesday Night Fights, moments away from our big Tag Team title main event! If you are just joining us, earlier tonight in a tag team contest we saw "The Lemondrop Kid" Lloyd Rees pin the NAPW Heavyweight Champion D! in the middle of the ring. It wasn't clean by any means... but it swings the momentum towards the #1 contender going into their title match next week. It will be D!, defending the NAPW Heavyweight Championship against the Provincial Champion, "The Lemondrop Kid" Lloyd Rees. It will be the first singles meeting between these two decorated NAPW mainstays.
JACK JONES: And it's about time too, Bill Hewson. D!'s been ducking Lemondrop Kid for months, ever since Sole Survivor when Rees made sure D! lost the Sole Survivor match. D! always looked past him, always ducked him even when there was the potential for a match-up. Now D!'s run out of excuses, and that means that for D!, he's run out of time as the NAPW Heavyweight Champion.
BILL HEWSON: That's our main event next week ladies and gentlemen, but TONIGHT: it is the prestigious NAPW TAG TEAM gold that is on the line! The New & Improved D-X, the record-setting four-time champions and unexpected fan favorites, will momentarily defend their belts against these young upstarts in the Royal Foundation. Prince Darko & Thomas Young have won three straight coming into this match. What's your analysis, partner?
JACK JONES: You hit the nail on the head right there. The Royal Foundation have won three straight matches to get this tag team title shot. On the opposite side, sure D-X are the champions, but you know what? They spent the early part of the summer getting beat by The Delivery Men and Sexy Adorable Drunks. The champions are making a cardinal mistake - they're underestimating their opposition. The Royal Foundation are relatively inexperienced, but they have two x-factors in their advantage. The first is that we've seen several inexperienced wrestlers make huge impacts in their first championship opportunity. D! won the NAPW Title in his second professional match ever... and ironically, it's D!'s opponent next week "The Lemondrop Kid" who came into NAPW and won the Provincial Title in his first match. Combine that with Stylin' Kyle Roberts' susceptibility to flash pins and you have all the makings of an upset.
BILL HEWSON: And what about Jeff James, the younger brother of Thomas Young?
JACK JONES: I was just getting to Jeff James, Hewson. Jeff James is young, he's hungry and he's out to make a name for himself. Last week it was James who was the difference-maker when the Foundation defeated Dream Come True. After his big loss to Kenny Krenshov on Action!, you KNOW he would like to have the biggest impact in the match tonight.
BILL HEWSON: Astute observation. Frank Warburton is in the ring, ladies and gentlemen! Don't touch that dial!
FRANK WARBURTON: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the NAPW Tuesday Night Fights MAIN EVENT. The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! Introducing first...
"Royal Foundation" by AKForty cranks up. The crowd responds with a chorus of boos as the challengers walk out. First comes Thomas Young, the bodyguard, leading the way to the ring with a business-like expression on his face. Behind him, his tag partner... the crown prince of Zamunda, Prince Darko, arrogant and insulting to the fans. The manager Mr. B follows in last, making sure to get in the camera lens and talk up his team.
FRANK WARBURTON: Introducing first, being accompanied to the ring by Mr. B... they weigh in at a total combined weight of four-hundred and fifty five pounds... the challengers! Prince Darko and Thomas Young, THE ROYAL FOUNDAAAAAAAATIONNNNNN!
BILL HEWSON: This capacity crowd not fans of The Royal Foundation. What is Prince Darko's deal, anyways? He can't possibly be actual, for-real royalty!
JACK JONES: How dare you insult the Prince, Hewson!
BILL HEWSON: Come on, it's a put-on, Jones! What kind of prince would be a lunatic drunk 80% of the time?
JACK JONES: Bill, Bill, Bill.
BILL HEWSON: Yes, yes, yes?
JACK JONES: You clearly know NOTHING about royalty. Now bow to the Prince! It's an honor, Prince!
Darko preens in the middle of the ring, imperiously demanding the crowd respond. They do, but with boos. Mr. B tries to cover Darko's ears, frantically telling the crowd to be quiet. Young keeps an eye out for any trouble...
And then it happens! Not Foo Fighters, but David Bowie... "Heroes."
"We can be heroes... just for one day!
FRANK WARBURTON: And THEIR OPPONENTS! Being led to the ring by Bill Fleming at a total combined weight of five-hundred and twenty-seven pounds... they are Bruce "The Beast" Richards! Stylin' Kyle Roberts! The four-time and reigning NAPW TAG TEAM CHAMPEEEEENS... the NEW & IMPROVED DEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEXXXXXX!
BILL HEWSON: Listen to the ovation! Did you ever expect to hear the fans cheering for D-X like this?
JACK JONES: Never in a million years. God, I hate life.
And the crowd is giving a huge ovation! D-X stand on either side of the rampway. Bruce is clad in his duster and cowboy hat as tradition, looking out over the crowd with an intense expression. Stylin' Kyle Roberts is on the other side, wearing the D-X "BETTER THAN YOU" t-shirt and his gold/green tights, clearly enjoying the ovation. Each man has NAPW Tag Title GOLD around their waists. Bill Fleming leads them to the ring, keeping his eyes on his opposite number... Mr. B. D-X ascend the stairs into the ring, and each hit a corner.
BILL HEWSON: And talk about irony, The Royal Foundation just attacked D-X from behind before the bell! We've seen D-X stoop to new lows to keep their belts, but the Royal Foundation might just be able to... out dirty them!
JACK JONES: By the end of the night, Hewson, I assure you that D-X will have new understanding of what it means to be "Down and Dirty!"
Young on Beast, Darko on Kyle. Bruce doesn't even have his trenchcoat off, and Young is working that to his advantage, pulling it half-way up Bruce's shoulders to trap him before hooking him with a butterfly... suplex! Great move by Young there, especially on the 270 pound Beast. Meanwhile Stylin' Kyle Roberts and Prince Darko are exchanging blows. Darko winds up and SLAPS Kyle. "Bow down to royalty...man!" Kyle's eyes near bug out of his head, and he responds by slapping Darko back hard! Darko recoils in shock and pain... he charges Kyle, who side-steps and gets a drop toe-hold. Young from behind with the Royal Clutch, however! He's got it locked in! Could D-X lose this quickly? Heck no. Kyle's trick knee acts up and he catches Young between the legs. Darko's grin fades from his face as Roberts hoists him up for the Moose Jaw Driver! Darko's squirming, he falls behind Kyle and ---
LOW BLOW!
BILL HEWSON: We're not expecting a technical classic here, folks...
JACK JONES: But it'll be entertaining! Like America's Funniest Home Videos!
BILL HEWSON: Referee Dick Kiebiech trying to restore order in this match, but he's making the wise move. It'd be a shame to see a DQ so early in this match... you have to let these men fight it out!
JACK JONES: I'm not surprised D-X is trying to get DQed early on. They know that I know that they know that they're leaving tonight the four-time former champions!
Darko waggles his hips? And hooks the groinally challenged Kyle with both arms for the ZAMUNDA DRIVER. Which would probably hit, except that Kyle drops low and yes, hits... a LOW BLOW. The males in the crowd are reeling in sympathy pain times three. Darko doesn't let go of Kyle's arms, although he squeezes his eyes shut against the pain and blows his cheeks out. And of course, he fails to notice The Beast rebound off the ropes. Huge lariat from The Beast on Prince Darko folds him inside out! And finally, Kiebiech gets TWO men in the ring at a time. It's Stylin' Kyle and Prince Darko he calls the legal men, as The Beast & Thomas Young retreat to their respective corners. And what a scene in the ring, as both Darko & Roberts try to shake off the pain in their respective groins. Both men are up gingerly. Darko hits the ropes and runs in --- caught into an inverted atomic drop! Crowd "oooowwwwws" in pain as Darko weakly mutters something about "The crown jewels" before collapsing forward. He manages to tag Young in on the way down, and now the bodyguard hits the ring. Step in through the ropes, Young choosing not to bumrush Roberts. And it's ... a collar and elbow tie-up!
JACK JONES: Amazing, a wrestling match has broken out in the middle of this Three Stooges tribute!
Young wins the lock-up, Roberts counters into a wrist-lock of his own. Young looking for an exit, rolls forward Judo-style, shifting his weight to send Roberts on his back. Young ... snap kick to the small of Stylin' Kyle's back! Ooooh. Roberts up, side headlock from Young. Roberts elbows once, twice, thrice to the mid-section and runs the ropes. Young looking for the Big Boot, Richards ducks that and runs the hopes, this time catching Darko in the forehead with a Chris Jericho-esque flying forearm. Kyle "YEAHS!", then looks to his partner. Tag made to The Beast while Young picks himself up. The Beast comes in, and the crowd buzz escalates in volume. Young refuses to be fazed. Lock up --- The Beast just powers Young down to the canvas. Young gets up and rushes at The Beast, caught with a spinning powerslam!
BILL HEWSON: Thomas Young not having too much luck with the powerhouse of D-X, this Bruce Richards... a man with the best-selling shirt in NAPW history. Can you believe the fans would get behind a man because of his infatuation with charts and statistics?
JACK JONES: It's appalling, Hewson! In my day, we took geeks like Bruce Richards and stuffed 'em in lockers... when we weren't stickin' their heads in toilets.
BILL HEWSON: You know, I'd pay money to see you try that with The Beast. Thomas Young rethinking the situation... he tags in Prince Darko! Call me crazy, Jones, but I don't know if Darko wants to be in the ring at the same time as The Beast.
Darko gives Young a whatfor. Young rolls his eyes and steps out to the ring-apron. Hesitantly, Prince Darko gets in the ring. The crowd begins to chant... "BRUCE IS GONNA KILL YOU!" Richards cracks his neck, politely allowing Darko to make the first move. Darko comes in and grabs a side-headlock. He wrenches it in, yelling to the crowd "Who's gonna kill who, huh?" Without warning The Beast shifts momentum and puts Darko down with a high-impact back suplex! Darko spings up, holding his back in pain, a comical expression on his face. He gets back up and swings wildly at The Beast. Almost casually, The Beast blocks the punch and fires off with a big right hand of his own. Darko stumbles down into a neutral corner, holding a hand up to beg off. Referee Dick Kiebiech gets between Bruce & Darko --- Darko is in the ropes, after all.
Impasse, it seems. Prince Darko takes his feet, stalling. He raises one hand. The Beast looks at his partner and manager with a look of disbelief. "Are you kidding?" But the crown prince of Zamunda indeed wants a test of strength! Bruce shrugs and locks one big hand with Darko's. SQUEEZE. Darko begins the "oh GOD my hand HURTS" dance, but somehow gets the second hand up. Is he nuts? Bruce grabs the other hand... and Darko is clearly LOSING this one! Bruce is pouring the pressure on, crushing Darko's hands in his, forcing the man down YOUNG from behind. Thomas Young rushed into the ring and blindsided Richards from behind. Kiebiech sends him back to the Foundation corner, but he gave Prince Darko the opening he needed. Prince Darko hits the ropes and catches the staggering Richards with a running DDT!
BILL HEWSON: Darko just planted one-half of the tag champs into the ring! He's got a cover, only a two count. The Royal Foundation can't match The Beast in strength, but they are ever the opportunists... and now there's a tag to Thomas Young. Double-team on The Beast!
JACK JONES: This isn't a singles match, Bill Hewson, it's a tag TEAM title match! The winners will be the best TEAM!
The Royal Foundation on opposite sides of The Beast --- good God! They call that Royal Reverse, and it could end the match right here. Inverted STO ---> superkick to the back of the head. Young makes a COVER... Bruce kicks out at two and a half. Stylin' Kyle wants a tag into this match. Young hammering on The Beast, but that just enrages Bruce! He fires back with authority, hits the ropes --- tripped up by Mr. B. The referee didn't see it, but he's calling out Mr. B. Mr. B. argues with the referee, infuriated at the INSINUATION that he would cheat. Meanwhile, The Royal Foundation have Bruce... double DDT! An infuriated Stylin' Kyle rushes into the ring, nailing each member of the Royal Foundation with punches. Dick Kiebiech's attention is back on the match, and he sends Kyle back to the corner. Kyle protests the double-team, but while he argues with Kiebiech, the Foundation CONTINUE to illegally double-team The Beast behind the referee's back! Drop toe-hold puts Bruce's throat across the bottom rope, and Mr. B makes sure to wring his neck over it. Kiebiech turns around and all is good --- he sees Prince Darko (was there a tag? Doubtful.) charging! Darko lands on top of The Beast's shoulders and back at high velocity! Bruce is still over the bottom rope, trying to catch his wind. Tag is actually made this time as Young comes back into the ring. Young pulls Bruce up by the back of the tights... he hauls The Beast up with a great show of strength, draping The Beast over the top rope by his armpits and upper torso. Young holding The Beast horizontal in mid-air by the legs, here comes Thomas Young at speed... MAN. Young leapfrogs his own partner, driving his knee into the back of The Beast! Bruce hits the canvas, Thomas Young going for a cover. One, TWO, ThKICKOUT.
BILL HEWSON: I think to the shock of this pro-DX crowd, The Royal Foundation is out-teaming D-X! The champs controlled the opening moments of the match, but since that test of strength it's been all Foundation.
JACK JONES: The Beast has been in there alone too long, Hewson, while the challengers keep tagging in and out. It's only a matter of time!
BILL HEWSON: You're right about one thing, The Beast has been in there way too long, and the Royal Founation isn't giving any opportunities to tag out. The tag team champions are in trouble!
Young picks The Beast up --- BGS! Bodyguard special! The Beast is laid out on the mat, and here's another tag. Prince Darko slaps on a choke, referee makes the five-count before Darko will break. A warning from the referee, but Darko looks at him and bellows "I have DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY... jackass!" Crowd getting on Darko's case. He looks back and forth, face contorting with rage. Boots to The Beast as Darko takes out his anger at the crowd's response. He has Bruce up, and double-underhooks the arms. Zamunda Driver try #2... he can't get him though. Bruce is fighting it, not to mention has a 60 pound weight advantage on the Prince! Bruce back body drops Darko over! He falls to one knee, but there's Kyle reaching out for the tag. Bruce takes the steps towards his corner, only to be cut off by Prince Darko! Darko flies in and punches Kyle off the apron! Tag to Thomas Young. Darko... gets a Full Nelson on The Beast? As much as he can get on the big shoulders of The Beast, watch Thomas Young... he comes off with the Big Boot! The Beast is about to be ROYALLY DONE NO! The Beast BREAKS the full-nelson! The big boot catches Prince Darko in the face! Young looks shocked! Mr. B grabs his head in horror on the outside! FROM BEHIND... Richards! Cobra Clutch on Young... BOMB! The Beast just DROVE Thomas Young into the canvas with authority!
JACK JONES: Oh come on, from behind!
BILL HEWSON: Because the Royal Founation fights so honorably. Don't you remember, Jones? Never Trust The Beast!
JACK JONES: I learned that the hard way, I think I'm still paying him off for that poker game. There's no WAY he had four aces. I had three up MY sleeve!
BILL HEWSON: Stylin' Kyle Roberts is on the ring apron, he wants in this match so bad! The Royal Foundation regrouping... THE TAG IS MADE! The fresh man for D-X is in the ring, and he's a HOUSEAFAR!
HOUSEAFAR? Stylin' Kyle? Well... heck yes! Roberts blasts Darko! Young! He scoop slams Young down... then catches a running Prince Darko with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Thomas Young fires a right hand, Kyle blocks with a thumb to the eye. POP. He hauls Young onto his shoulders, MOOSE JAW DRIVER! MJD connects, kids, and that means... Roberts hits the ropes! LIONSAULT! ONE! TWO! TH--- Darko makes the save! Darko going CRAZY on Stylin' Kyle, irish whip now --- reversed! Darko hits the corner. Stylin' Kyle revs up, charge... KIEBIECH! Darko pulls the referee in the way and Kyle's superkick NAILS him! Holy crap, Kiebiech's contact lenses probably flew out on that one! On the outside, Bill Fleming suddenly runs up the aisle? Roberts turns around... INTO the Royal Effect by Darko! Prince Darko celebrates his blasting of Kyle, turns around... BRUCE RICHARDS is back. And it's time... for a CHART ATTACK! The Beast hauls Darko onto his shoulders ---
BILL HEWSON: And wait a minute! FROM THE CROWD --- that's JEFF JAMES! Young's brother! And he just cracked The Beast in the stomach with the end of that baseball bat!
JACK JONES: I appreciate any man who shares my initials, especially one with the decency to beat the crap out of a D-X member!
BILL HEWSON: The Beast just dropped Darko off his shoulders, and Jeff James... jumping superkick! The Beast sent to the outside JEFF JAMES with a springboard moonsault! Good God! Wait a minute, Prince Darko has Stylin' Kyle Roberts! ROYALTY! Thomas Young crawls over to cover, not like this!
Kiebiech crawls over to make the pinfall... ONE! TWO! THREE---- NO! Kyle gets the FOOT ON THE ROPES, like he has so many times in the past! Prince Darko FREAKS OUT. He calls for Mr. B... Mr. B gives him one of the tag title belts! Kiebiech is still dazed, trying to get up, he doesn't see this!
BILL HEWSON: Darko's going to use that title belt as a weapon on Stylin' Kyle! And... wait a minute! That's KENNY KRENSHOV, Jones! Krenshov just hit the ring! Darko doesn't realize it, but Roberts sure as hell does!
JACK JONES: What? No, I LIKE Krenshov! What's he doing with D-X?
BILL HEWSON: He wants a piece of The Royal Foundation before Friday, Jones! And he just neutralized the interference of Jeff James... and the title belt!
Roberts grins and points over Darko's shoulder. Darko shifts his eyes right, gulping, then turns around slowly... Krenshov comes off the ropes with a HUGE running Big Boot to the mush of Darko! Jeff James is on the top rope! HE FLIES... CAUGHT by Krenshov! Krenshov holding James for a fallaway slam --- Thomas Young with a BIG BOOT to the face of Krenshov... that sends both Krenshov AND James over the top rope! Young with the STO on a rising Roberts! ONE! TWO! TH--- THE BEAST! MOOOOOOOONSAULT! 270 pound Moonsault! And Thomas Young gets squashed! The Beast drapes Kyle over top of Young... ONE, TWO, THREE! D-X wins!
FRANK WARBURTON: Here are your winners, and STILL tag team champions... DEEEE-EXXXXXX!
BILL HEWSON: D-X retain tonight and --- wait just a damn minute! Prince Darko just attacked The Beast! The match is over, son!
JACK JONES: I don't think he cares, Hewson. You don't anger royalty, you know. They're liable to cut your head off and other nasty things.
Prince Darko attacking The Beast from behind! Kenny Krenshov, however, is getting back into the ring --- Darko sends The Beast INTO Krenshov! Krenshov flies back out onto the concrete. He sits up, his face suddenly a mask of RAGE. Spinebuster on The Beast --- no, he blocks, CHART ATTACK --- NO. KRENSHOV NAILS THE BEAST! Bill Fleming, who brought Krenshov out when the ref was bumped, screams at him! Krenshov has lost his temper! The Beast fires back, these two big bulls fighting it out, but Krenshov... The strength of this man ... JEFF JAMES! TITLE BELT to the face of Krenshov! James turns around into a STYLES KICK! Stylin' Kyle knocks the man down, then turns around... Darko blasts him! Roberts & Darko firing at each other! Kenny Krenshov & The Beast! Here comes Thomas Young to the aid of ... THE BEAST? Thomas Young trying to get a piece of Krenshov! Kiebiech is calling for the bell again and again... Krenshov & Young end up on the outside! Darko's trying to get away from Roberts on the floor, but Kyle follows! Jeff James has rolled out there after the Styles Kick, The Beast dazed in one corner of the ring...
BILL HEWSON: It's a PIER SIX BRAWL, and Dick Kiebiech has lost all control! D-X is fighting the Foundation! The Foundation is fighting Krenshov! KRENSHOV is fighting D-X! What the hell ---
JACK JONES: LOOK OUT BELOW!
BILL HEWSON: THE BEAST OVER THE TOP ROPE INTO THE WHOLE CROWD OF THEM! 270 POUND NO-HANDS PLANCHA! WE'RE OUT OF TIME --- ON ACTION, KENNY KRENSHOV vs THE ROYAL FOUNDATION! JEFF JAMES HAS A SHOT AT THE TV TITLE! D-X ARE STILL THE CHAMPIONS --- WE'RE OUT OF TIME! GOOD NIGHT!
The copyright comes up with six men in a wild brawl on the outside... KRENSHOV! Just pressed Jeff James INTO THE THIRD ROW! And like that TNF is off the air!
JACK JONES: You can get that and anything else done there, and it's only around two hundred dollars Canadian.
DEATHROW: (BLEEP) this (BLEEP)!
BILL HEWSON: ...and then she kissed me. It was the happiest day of my life.